Saturday, March 31, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 03-31-07
How people found this site. On a Saturday this week, to make room for
'So, where are ya from?' a new feature for the first of every month.

sisterinlaw (UK)
freelance cynic puppies (London)
help me pay for treatment for my cat (Gloucester, England)
bank's reply (Amsterdam)
brotherinlaw and sisterinlaw porn (India)
marisa tomai (New Jersey)
double knot spy (Boston)
little milhouse (Alberta)
the keiths creepy thing from india (New Jersey)
nova scotia film tv (Virginia)
ted reinstein (New Mexico) Love him or hate him, you still search for him.

Aren't you supposed to be working/studying?

University Of Mississippi (From? Well, duh)
National Australia Bank Limited (Melbourne)
National City Corporation (Cleveland, Ohio) A lot of bored bankers out there.
State Of Montana Department Of Administration (Billings)
Publicis & Hal Riney (Escondido, California)
Red Hat Inc (North Carolina)
Board Of Pensions (Minneapolis, Minnesota)
Salomon Inc (Brooklyn)
Delta Air Lines (Atlanta)
University Of Virginia (Bridgeport, Connecticut) Swear to God, that's what it says.

Can You See Your House From Here?
New twist and a game for the You Are Here post.

HINT: Wonder if you pick up your coffee at the Morning Dew? Or hang out at the Burke Street Pub or Gatsby's?

Click on the picture to get a closer look. And remember, if you think this is you, give us a shout.

It's Alive!

This might freak some people out, but this is really how it is.

I remember when The Boy was in utero. Having hours of fun, putting objects on my belly and having him kick them off. Even a rotary phone, and those things are heavy.

Mind you, sometimes it felt like a scene from Alien, but most of the time it was cool.

Friday, March 30, 2007


I know I have to eat better. With more thought to nutrition as opposed to taste. Cuz, let's face it, the two are mutually exclusive.

I don't eat, and when I do it's take-out (since I don't cook) or microwave stuff, since I hate doing dishes and they come with their own. Did I mention I am a domestic goddess?

I don't exercise, I walk to the car. That is it. I avoid the mall like the plague, as it too involves walking. I sit on my ass all day at my computer and all night at work to the point where my ass has actually started to take the shape of my chair. Its a nice looking chair but makes a lousy looking ass.

Seems like anything that is good for you gives me hives.

The Boy tried to blame me for us running out of milk.

I can not believe he is blaming me. "How am I supposed to know we need milk if you leave the empty carton in the fridge?"

"Uh, when you go for a drink, you see that it is empty."
His logic astounds me.

"I don't drink milk."

"What? You should, its good for you."

"It's cow juice. The only way I can drink that shit is if I soak some frosted flakes in it first."

Unfortunately, my nutritional habits have contributed to my FCS. This became apparent one night at work when I was suddenly and violently gripped with what felt like a charlie horse in my ribs.

I contort myself in the most unflattering pose you can imagine, trying desperately to ease the pain that I can feel building rapidly. Bunnie looks at me horrified. "What's wrong?"

It looks like I am scarring her, I try and look less traumatized, "Nothing, I am fine. It's just the FCS acting up."

You could tell she was trying to figure out what that meant. After all she has had pretty much every ailment worth having (including gout...I kid you not) and she would know of all the major diseases and she clearly never heard of FCS. With a worried look (thinking this was some rare new malady), "What is FCS?"

"Fat Chick Syndrome."

Blank stare.

"You see, my organs are viewing all this available real estate on the outside of my skeletal structure and they are attempting to relocate."

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Measure twice, cut once.

My friend Bunnie and I are both uneasy when it comes to going to the dentist. I was prescribed Adavan because I think my dentist was afraid I might bite him or something. This is nothing compared to Bunnie. I won't get into the particulars but yesterday, during her appointment, they had to take her blood pressure three times.

I was not even aware that they knew how to take blood pressure. Probably something they picked up after taking her on as a patient.

Anyway, Bunnie pretty much works herself up all week anticipating this appointment. After the appointment she is frozen up the ying-yang and 'starved to death' (her words) so she heads over to the Dairy Queen. She has a coupon for an Ultimate Burger. Buy one, get one free. Remember, she is frozen on one side of her face. But she believes she can get 'er done.

She pulls up in front of the DQ. Our DQ is bascially all windows in the front. The place is full and every seat has a view. So, Bunnie is sitting out front, parked with her front bumper up against the glass, coupon in hand.

She is about to get out of the car and get her Ultimate Burger when she stops. She has a problem. She is frozen, her lips are frozen, her jaw is frozen. This may cause a problem.

What to do? She wants the Ultimate Burger, but she is not sure she can manage to get her mouth open enough to accomplish the actual eating of said burger. And you don't want to waste money on a burger you can't manage to get into your pie hole, right? Just like you wouldn't buy a sofa that you couldn't fit through your front door.

But Bunnie has a solution. She looks up at the picture of the Ultimate Burger plastered on the window in front of her, fashions her hands in the form that they would take if she indeed had the burger in them and raises it to her mouth.

Now for the truly attractive part of the process. She opens her mouth as if to bite into that imaginary burger. This is when she she realizes that even taking into account the inevitable squishage of the burger, it just won't be possible to get the ultimate today. No matter how hard she tries (and she tries) her mouth will just not open that wide on its own.

With the experiment over, she gets out of the car and goes in and orders a single burger to take home. It was on the drive home that she realizes why everyone in the restaurant was smiling at her.

Crazy people make everyone smile.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Why the Good Lord needs to thin the herd.

The Best ISP Name Award goes to...

Happy Many out of Belgium. They are a diverse company that offers internet, phone service, heating oil and gas.

I don't get the connection, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Hi, My Name is Evel, and I am a professional student.

"Hi Evel!"

Back in training again. One night under my belt. It was pretty boring as far as training goes. When you consider this product has been around since 2001 you can imagine there are some things that even I already know. It was tough keeping my eyes open.

As predicted, the class is full of the tier 2 and 3 techs from the old project. This being the only tech project left it was inevitable. Problem with that? Most of them think they know everything. And one actually does, we will call her....May.

May is the definition of Geek. She is very smart. No, I mean really smart. Unfortunately that means she assumes you are a blithering idiot.

I drag my feet getting to class. Big mistake. The only seat free is next to her. I don't blame anyone, next to her we are all blithering idiots. This can get on a person's nerves pretty quickly. But hey, if your gonna sit someone next to her, it might as well be me. Since I am probably the only one who will not just sit there and suffer in silence.

Didn't take her long to start 'helping' me. I sit down and start looking for the course material. She actually takes over the keyboard since I am apparently not moving fast enough following her instruction. I let her go, because I am already behind.

This gets old really quickly. Finally, as she is showing me the wondrous feature that is 'up one level'.

Have you seen this thing? What will they think of next?

This is where I snap. (you were thinking it would take longer?)

I give her my best 'do I look like an idiot' face, "I know its hard to believe, but I have actually worked on a computer before."

She calmed the fuck down with the 'tech support' after that. You know, once you get past the whole annoying 'brainiac' thing, she is actually interesting to talk to.

And she has chocolate.

And it's all about the chocolate.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Not a rhetorical question.

What exactly are you thinking?

Girls who post semi-nude pics of themselves on MySpaces. Or a strip-tease on YouTube.

Ya, you might think it is cute now, but have you ever thought of running for office? What do you mean, no way? How can you know that at 15? Well, I guess you have pretty much screwed yourself anyway. Suffice to say that at this point you would be laughed off any ballot except for the Marijuana party. You can kiss the republican nomination good bye.

What about having children? Ever think of how you would feel if you stumbled across a picture of your mother on Plentyofish, spread eagle on your living room couch? (Suppose you could tell Junior that it was the Super Bowl and that's a V for victory. Ya, he'll buy that.)

Unless you are planning to go into the oldest profession, never have children or become the oldest stripper on the planet, you need to think this shit through.

And guys, you are not off the hook. Shocking your parents by having a swastika tattooed to your forehead might seem like the thing to do right now, but unless you are planning a career as a carny, you need to wake the fuck up!

Technology and pop culture today makes it too easy to fuck up your life at a much younger age than ever before.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 03-25-07
How people found this site.

sister-in-law fucking (Naperville, Illinois and Belgium) Seriously, Dudes, if you met my brother-in-law you would realize that you are absolutely not going to find that shit here.
herndon verginia(Texas)
and another thing (U.s. Patent And Trademark Office, Brooklyn)
shadow pupets (Istanbul, Turkey)
kill drive (Littleton, CO) That's just a little disturbing.
oldsmobile (Washington) Jesus! Someone from the Home Planet found me this way. God hates me. Although I think this might be some sort of bot disguising itself. If I click on the link reference, I get an error. I did a search for oldsmobile on my site and got no hits. There are no posts that contain that text.
american idol update (Mustang, Oklahoma)
bank's reply(Netherlands)
make money (Quebec) Guess the anchor text thing works both ways.
origami (New Jersey)
afghan victim (California)
attitude adjustment (Japan)


U.s. Patent And Trademark Office (Brooklyn) Hope I am not being investigated.
University Of San Francisco (ya, you guessed it)
The Washington Post (Fairfax, Virginia?) I think statcounter has lost its mind.
Amherst College (Shrewsbury, New Jersey)

And another thing...

New twist and a game for the You Are Here post.

I just discovered the visitor map in StatCounter. I am assuming this pinpoints the ISP server that routed you here and not your actual house. (at least I hope it isn't your actual house, if it is let me know and I will take it down.)

Click on the picture for a closer look.

Anyway, the game is...Can You See Your House From Here? If this is your ISP location, Email me.

Even if it is not you, but you know where it is? Give us a shout. No prizes right now, only because it is almost 5am and I am running out of coffee and brain cells.

But if you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Holy Shit! Where are they all coming from?

I am not really sure what happened here. Unfortunately I have done a bunch of things at once, so I will have to try and pinpoint what gave me the jump in stats. Here are my stats for the past week.

However, last night I spent a lot of hours putting 'tags' on a lot of my posts. I think this may have been the deciding factor.

I don't know, but the freakish jump in traffic is making me nervous. Does that make sense?

Missed my Blog Anniversary again. Was March 10th.

Thank God my Blog is not a chick, or I would be sleeping on the couch.(just in case it is, I better pick up some dandelions or something)

So, for those of you new to the place, as of March 10th the Blog is 5 years old. Seems like yesterday. (wow, that was cheesy)

Go take a look at how it all began if you like.

And Happy Anniversary, Blog.

And another thing...

I just realized that my last post was my 1,000th.

Didn't know I had it in me.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Another reason The Boy will need therapy.

I was reminded of a story.

I have to tell you another story first, like a setup. Otherwise this one won't make sense.

When The Boy was about 3 I was trying one day to get his attention. Calling his name over and over and he was completely ignoring me. Finally he turns to me with the snootiest look on his face, like some kind of royal prince and said, "You will address me as Chuck." I kid you not.

For about a month, he would answer to no other name and referred to himself in the third person. "Chuck would like a cookie." Or, "Chuck will be watching TV in his room." Always using that same snooty tone. He would also not wear certain clothes, saying they were not his, they were The Boy's. That sort of thing. He was three.

Eventually he got bored and dropped it.

Fast forward.

When the boy was 6 or so he was being a real demon. Spouting shit like he didn't have to be a good boy. I was not the boss of him, and I couldn't make him do anything. If I touched him he would call the police. (Even then he watched too much Oprah)

Anyway I was about at the end of my rope. When I finally grabbed a hold of him by the front of his shirt, pulled him close so we were face to face and said in my best Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry voice, "You used to have an older brother. His name was Chuck!"

The look on his face was priceless. I could see that he vaguely remembered a mention of someone named Chuck, he just couldn't remember where.

He was an angel....for about a week.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

By George! I think he's got it!

John Chow of John Chow dot Com has a clever thing going on. He has initiated a Review My Blog for a free linkback promotion.

His goal is to have his site ranked first on Google for a specific set of search words, specifically “make money online”. He is offering to link to your blog if you review his blog. Making sure that the anchor term "make money online" is in the text.

I think it is a neat idea. After four days he is on page 1 of for the term “make money online”.

So I guess it was a success. What will he think of next? I can't wait to see.
Sometimes my boundless talent scares me.


When I first started in tech support I had a tech buddy. Someone to sit with who would tell me when I was fucking up. We will call him Origami Guy. Mainly because he is constantly doing origami, carries around a ton of paper and instruction books. (For the longest time I actually referred to him as Origami Guy because I could never remember his name.) He makes some crazy shit, and they are getting smaller and more intricate as time goes on.

Anyway, as luck would have it, I developed a nervous habit of ripping paper into tiny pieces while I work through tech support with callers. On a good night it is a small pile, when things get really hairy, I can have a pile a couple of inches high.

This would make me Origami Guy's arch nemesis. Like Superman's Lex Luther. He has even started to hand me paper from his satchel so I don't absent mindedly grab a critter that he has spent the last hour on and rip it to shreds.

Tonight he decided to teach me how to make a critter of my own. When he showed me one he made, small enough to sit on a dime, I just looked at him and raised my hands, "Dude, you expect me to make that, with these man-hands?" I have my father's hands. Very large for a girl. My ring finger is size 11. "I don't have delicate fingers like you, Princess."

This is what I ended up making. Although mine is much better than this one and it hops way farther. I was hoping to bring him over to the dark side, but this is good too.

I spent the rest of the night showing it to everyone and making sure they acted impressed. I am a bully after all.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Meme from Radmila.

So, pick up the book you are reading now. Turn to page 123 and post the fifth paragraph on your blog, or in my comments if you don't have a blog.

Here is mine.

The book is Judge and Jury by James Patterson and Andrew Gross.

Page 123, paragraph 5:
She started back toward having a life with the simplest things. Doing her proofreading, seeing a flick. It was like relearning the steps of life all over again. Telling herself it was okay. To live was okay.

I won't tag either. It stinks too much of chain letter to me. If you want to, do so.(and link your post in the comments) If not, that's fine too.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I have a new toy!

This is my new cell phone. I use Telus Pay & Talk. No contracts. I had let my minutes run out and would have to purchase a $50 card to resume using it at the lowest per minute rate.

I walked into Zellers (forget the Telus store, they have nothing, I kid you not) and saw this little baby on sale for $47.99. I look at the packaging and it says, "$50 airtime credit included."

Huh? I can purchase a fifty dollar card for my old phone or pay less for a brand new phone with the same airtime on it.

It was a no brainer, even for me.

I already downloaded my ringtone.

They call me MOOS
Title will make no sense to anyone outside the company or under 30.

Looks like I have been spared the humiliation of failing at connecting people to the internet on a daily basis. I found out today that I will be working on the one remaining tech project in the center. This means 3 weeks of training starting next Monday.
BIG GIANT HEAD: "Evel, this means you will have been trained for every project in this joint except Broad Band."

ME: "Betcha I could take that call too. I am working on making myself indispensable. You will never get rid of me."

MANAGER: "Congratulations on beating out quite a few other people for the position, there is still quite a list that didn't make it."

ME: "Don't be too impressed. I just know where all the bodies are buried."

I really didn't think I was going to be selected for the project. The Big Giant Head was suspicious of me. After all, I did just happen to have my resume ready the same day they announced we would be working for the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™. I do have my sources, and I was totally prepared for it. I gave my resume to my manager, about an hour before the meetings started. I did not figure he would be so prompt in doing my bidding that he would immediately walk it down to the Big Giant Heads office.
BIG GIANT HEAD:He looks at me sideways."Are you trying to tell me you just happen to carry around an updated resume in your pocket?"

ME: Angelic look on my face. "I swear to you, it is absolutely coincidental."

BIG GIANT HEAD: "Bullshit." He was not convinced.

He probably thinks I bugged his office.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Get with the f'ing program!

Remember the term 'Sunday Driver'? You know, the guy going 10 miles an hour so he can take in the sights, I guess?

Well, ever since Sunday shopping came around, you can forget that shit! I learned that lesson as I was trying desperately to get myself a coffee today.

Gone are the leisurely drives on a Sunday afternoon. If you really need a cafine fix, you are taking your life in your hands. Mix the elderly sunday driver with the manic shopper and you have a recipe for disaster. Half going 10 miles an hour and the other half weaving in and out of them.

"Blinkers? We don't need no stinkin' blinkers!"

Add to that, the idiot (man) who thinks he needs to be traffic cop for everyone else. You know the one. Four way stop. Everyone (except this crayon) knows how to deal with a four way stop. Look to your right, if there is someone there you wait. Once the guy on your right has gone, its your turn. Simple.

Enter Mr. Traffic-cop-wannabe. He is waving people through the intersection and we are trying desperately to ignore him and with that, hopefully, force him to get with the program. But no! Mr. Crayon-traffic-cop must let someone go ahead of him, thus fucking up the whole process. He thinks he is being Mr. Courteous, when all he is doing is inspiring vehicular homicide.

It was all I could do not to get out of my car, march over to him and slap him across the face with a dead fish. Fortunately for him I was presently out of dead fish, so I just put my head down on the steering wheel and prayed for him to be zapped off the face of the planet. Or some sort of freak animal encounter. Nothing fancy, but I was hoping for some gore.

Remember, I still had no coffee. He really doesn't realize who he is dealing with.

YOU ARE HERE - 03-18-07
How people found this site.

cat flu (Tullahoma, Tennessee)
allstate behavior interview (Allstate Insurance Company - Chicago)
evel (Milwaukee)
and another thing (UK)
sisterinlaw fucking brotherinlaw (India) Dude, do you really need to be that specific with your porn search?
vancouver mermaid (Coquitlam, BC) Someone looking for you, Michelle.
kevin megeney webpage (St. John, New Brunswick)
cpl. kevin megeney (NS)
sneezing bunnie (Ontario)
american excelsior company (Oregon)
sodrel truck lines (Kansas)
wish for a friend (Philippines)
what is another way to call a dentist (Florida)
my cat has sneezing episodes (Ohio)
getting over cat flu (UK)


Allstate Insurance Company (Chicago)
Geico (Washington, DC) Insurance companies fighting over me?
University Of West Florida (Birmingham, Alabama) That is weird, but that is what it says.
University Of Cincinnati (Ohio)

And another thing...

There are a couple places, aside from my reciprocating links, I get regular hits from. So I figured I should give them a shout out as well. Might help some people who are trying to generate traffic for their own site.
The Bestest Blog of All-Time

But I guess the best way to get noticed is good 'ole 'word of mouth'. Write some decent content, read other's decent content and lastly? Participate. Lurking will get you nowhere. You think that if you have no witty comment to leave on a blog that a blog author does not want to hear from you? Wrong. Make your presence known. I spend days on end just hopping from comment to comment, following links from commenters. You would not believe the interesting places you end up.

Related to this I have been working on a project. Over the last couple of months, I have been keeping track of my readers. (No, Dude, I have not bugged your house, relax.) I started compiling a list of the origins of people that stop by for a read. Stat counter is great for that because there are so many people that do not comment, a person gets discouraged, but at least you can tell someone was there, even if they don't leave a comment.

So anyway, I figured this is a good excuse for me to educate myself on some of these countries. I realized pretty quickly that I am not even clear where some of these places are on the map. Couldn't place some of them on the right hemisphere even. Had to give up and list them alphabetically.

I have a pretty good list now, with some pretty interesting sounding names, so I will be choosing one every week and will showcase the country of one of my visitors. Maybe yours.

As you can imagine I have gotten a lot of hits from Canada and the US, I will be narrowing those down to States and Provinces. At least I can locate those on a map.

Stay tuned.

Friday, March 16, 2007

The clock is ticking.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Oh thank God I got through to someone who speaks English." Ya, don't get used to it. "I have been working on this issue for 4 days, with 6 different technicians and I am sorry, I couldn't understand a word the last guy said."

"Ok, what seems to be the issue?"

"Oh, well the last guy had me doing this in the device manager, and that was the same thing the second guy was trying and I couldn't get him to understand that..."

As he was talking I was opening up all the other notes from the other techs. Holy crap. Usually I can look at what the previous tech put in the notes and figure out where he was going with it, but I had no clue. Finally I closed the notes.

"Dave, how about this? I am not going to read any of the notes, you just tell me what is happening. Let's start fresh."

"Ok." He pauses, deep breath."All I am trying to do is watch a video. My audio CD's work but this one will not play."

"Ok, is it a video you downloaded?"

"No I bought the CD."

"Ok, you have it there with you?"
I am upbeat, from experience I think I already know this will be a simple call.


"Just read what it says on the face of the CD."

"Yoga For Golfers....Blah Blah Blah....DVD....."
That is all I needed to hear.

"Ok, let's pop that bad boy in the drive."

"Ok. Here we go."

"Ok, Wait!"


"Your about to hit the little button on the drive?"


"Ok, Tell me what it has written on the face of that drive."

"Uh, Creative. Uh, looks like Dolby. Some numbers and CDROM."

"Is that the only drive you have?"


"Cool, I will be closing this case then as not resolved. Since it turns out this is a hardware issue."

"What? How can you tell?"

"Well you are trying to play a DVD in a CD drive."

"Holy Shit! Are you kidding me?"

"Nope, its like trying to play a 8 track in a VCR, just not going to work."

Closed the case in 13 minutes. But I doubt he was very happy about his experience over the last few days.

Sorry for your loss, but you had better get used to it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Shake, shake, shake...

Big shake up at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™.

After 5 years our center will no longer be the primary site for tech support for the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™. This support will now be supplied by a center from...'across the pond'.

We are told it has nothing to do with the quality of service we provide. Since we started, our center has been the highest rated in customer satisfaction. We are going out at the top of our game. (that's comforting) It is just that, well, we will not work for beads. I know, we can be soooo unreasonable. So you can all just get used to talking to my buddy Ez Baz Bah when you blow up your computer.

You all complain about Bill, but once he retires the place goes to hell.

We will retain the customer service contract as well as service technical support for one of their other products. However, as of the end of this month, I will no longer be a technical support engineer for the main product.

Now what? Go back to customer service? Technical Routing? I could, I suppose. I may even be able to switch to the one product we have left. Might be interesting. What, you ask, are they going to do with us all?

Enter the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™. Yes, since we have all these people with nothing to do, we can bring in a new client.

Great, the one pain-in-the-ass part of my job that I hate (trying to get people connected to the internet) is the only thing I will be doing from now on.

Although, I am stoked to have the opportunity to say, "I'm sorry this is a software issue, you will have to call the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™.

I have heard it enough from the other side, it will be sweet.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Thank you, and fuck off.

This is a notification to let you know that your blog, And another thing..., has been rejected for the following reason(s):

Thank you for your blog submission!

Unfortunately, your blog violates our terms of service under the following:

Posts may not include or support:
* Excessive profanity

Great blog otherwise. Sorry :(

Thank you!

What exactly is excessive? They do not elaborate.

I never thought I used profanity excessively. Although they are right in one aspect. I totally support the use of excessive profanity. I buy the ribbons and subscribe to the Canadian Society for the Continued use of Excessive Profanity supporters newsletter.

I can only assume that my use of the word 'fuck' three times (oops, make that four) in the past 8 days is all it took. People just don't like that word. But sometimes it is the only adjective that does it for me.

Oh, he was very nice about it as he told me I was a potty mouth and no advertiser would want to be associated with such a excessive user of profanity. Don't you just love the high moral ground the advertising world is still trying to make us believe they stand on? I mean, really? Are you kidding me? I watch TV. Who do you think you are fooling?

So, I guess I won't get paid for posting. Not with them anyway, not until "you clean up your act, young lady!"

Ya, bite me.

Monday, March 12, 2007


I was checking out Radmila's Sunday Click Around and found this little gem, very cute. I know I shouldn't have clicked it. After all Rad did cause me to spend all of last Sunday watching Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts on YouTube.

This of course sent me on a quest to find this video from way back. This one makes me laugh out loud.

Once I found that, I had to add this favorite.

Harmless fun you say? Not by a long shot. I could be doing ground-breaking research, finding a solution for world hunger or putting my skills to work curing cancer. But what am I doing?

Searching for the original Dancing Baby video from Ally McBeal. That's what.

Thanks Rad. I'm telling your Mom you're a bad influence.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 03-11-07

How people found this site.

american girl in uk (Aldershot, England) That's one way to cruise for chicks, I guess.
wayne gretzky's mom (Arizona)
block ip address blogger (U.s. Department Of Labor/pension And) What is that about?
kevin megeney (NS)
chris richardson american idol (Chicago)
i am saying i am sorry (California)
cpl megeney (NS)
song playing during juan mann one love video (Minnesota) BTW the song is "All The Same" by Sick Puppies and it always makes me cry


Yandang Duxiu Internet Bar (China)
U.s. Department Of Labor/pension And (Washington, DC) Hope it wasn't official.
Halifax & Bank Of Scotland (UK)
Conway Corporation (Carson, California) (Israel)
Mckesson (California)
Loyola University Chicago
Allstate Insurance Company (Illinois)
Scansafe Ltd.(UK)
University Of St. Thomas (Minnesota)
Albuquerque Public Schools (New Mexico)

Take it to the streets.

Whatever happened to the crazy sandwich board guy? You know the one with "THE END IS NYE!" printed on the front and "EAT AT JOE'S" on the back. Marching up and down the street, trying to save us all. I miss him. No one listened to him cuz no one knew what the fuck 'NYE' was but he was keeping it real, doing his part. Its sad really that people are just too lazy these days to be crazy in person. Now they have the internet.

So after a bazillion years of time keeping. The Brains of this planet think the times have to be adjusted. So what, right? They do it every year, twice even. Oh no, you say, this year they will attempt it... (DUN DUN DUN) early. BY THREE WHOLE WEEKS! OOOOOOOOO! This is where the sandwich guy comes in.
[insert whinny voice here] My computer will be confused. It will blow up. I will lose all my important data. (you know, launch codes and shit)I will be completely shut down, my computer will have lost its mind and all my porn ground-breaking research along with it. This is a catastrophe of epic proportions. (Ever hear of a cd burner? Use it.)

The only people who are safe, are people in Arizona and Hawaii. The rest of the planet will implode. DUN DUN DUN!

You would not believe how many people have called the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ with these 'concerns'. We had to have actual meetings about this shit, emails were sent out, websites erected. For the love of God!

I am writing this post, of course, from the future. I am staring at my time and it says 5:45PM, Tuesday, 04/22/2025. Yes, you crayon, I changed the time and date on my computer and guess what? It still works. It's the fucking time! (And don't think I don't know more than one geek out there will go and check to see if April 22, 2025 is indeed a Tuesday, fill your boots.)

Dude, your computer knows when you plug something into it, what makes you think adjusting its clock is going to stump it? People, I know you were disappointed with the whole Y2K thing. You were hoping for Armageddon, but your just grasping right now.

Hey, if your really looking for crazy to latch onto, try the Rapture. That shit is hilarious, and no pesky time limit to absolutely prove you wrong. You could ride that shit til, well, the Rapture.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

And sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar.

I don't know if anybody remembers my failed attempts at trying to secure a management position at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ on the customer service side of the building. I never thought it would be so tough. I had management experience, I had been self employed for 7 years.

I was killing trees left and right. I would submit a resume, they would reject it for some idiotic reason (like I said I managed employees but didn't say that I came into direct contact with actual humans) I guess you can't assume anything, not even the possible intelligence of upper management.

So, I would revise that resume and get an interview. Then they would give me an equally retarded reason why the pizza guy got the job instead of me. Don't even get me started on the behavioral interview process.

I finally just gave up and opted to go into tech support instead. Then they come up with this new plan to fuck with me. They are starting a program to train people ahead of time for management positions so they will have a pool of trained managers when they need them. Instead of scrambling to fill a position when someone gets fed up and jumps ship.

Anyway I come into work last night and the Big Giant Head is sitting at a table with all the information in little packets, passing them out to people and suggesting they "Check out the great new opportunity!" Beside these packets is a large jar containing lollipops.

He passes me a packet, and a lollipop. I look at him, "Are ya kiddin' me?"

"What? Aren't you interested, Evel?" He has a baffled look on his face.

I look at the paper, "Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Huh?" He has no idea what he has done.

"You just passed me a sucker." We stare at each other.

And then the light bulb goes off. "For heaven's sake Evel, sometimes a sucker is just a sucker!"Is it? Is it really?

Doesn't anyone put any thought into anything anymore?

Friday, March 9, 2007

What exactly is the thought process?

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"I don't have a case number." Somehow he got through without one. Some lazy-ass customer service agent.

"Ok, while I create one why don't you tell me what seems to be the issue."

"I already told this to the last person, Jeez."

"I apologize for that..."

"FINE, I paid for Nor.ton and it keeps popping up saying it can't verify my subscription."

"Have you thought at all about calling Nor.ton?"

"I don't have their number."

What the hell are you thinking? My car has broken down, I don't have the tow trucks number so I think I will call the dentist.

Makes about as much sense, Crayon!

In his defense, customer service did send him through for tech support. Not sure what the hell they were thinking either.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

American Idol Update.

Boys Night
The whole thing pretty much sucked out loud. What really sucks is that they have to cut women when the guys are so clearly not in the same league. With the possible exception of Chris Sligh, they all took a dive, and they could send them all home for all I care.

However, if you really want to make me happy send that kid, Sanjaya Malakar, and the squeaky one, Chris Richardson, packing. They are both pretty painful to watch.

Girls Night
Lakisha Jones = Goose Bumps
Melinda Doolittle = Ditto

Haley Scarnato and Antonella Barba need to go. Those two are so bad, they hurt my feelings.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Canada's latest Afghan victim.

Cpl. Kevin Megeney, killed Tuesday in a friendly-fire shooting at the NATO base in Kandahar.

It's always so hard when it is one so young. 25 years old. He is from my hometown.

Say a prayer for him and his family. Add a prayer of thanks that your boy is home safe in bed.

Monday, March 5, 2007

Desperate Times.

Trying to get a handle on people I work with accessing my blog from work. I tell them to only access it from home, that the Big Giant Heads can see everything they do at work. But no matter what you tell them, some idiots will still do it. (And if you email me all insulted that I called you an idiot, then you just proved it to me.)

A while ago I was shocked to see (in my stats) the name of the Home Planet as an ISP. At that point I started to remind people from work not to visit the blog from work. Somehow the Big Giant heads were accessing the site. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I don't mention them by name or discuss company secrets. And unless you sat beside me, you probably don't know the company I work for. Although you may think that you do.

It wasn't that the Home Planet was watching that was disturbing. It was the way they arrived at the site. They didn't just go directly, or stumble on it. They did a search for the word nnothrthng, specifically. That means someone who was not that familiar with the blog, but new enough info, gave it to them. I have a couple of suspects.

Petty people who would like nothing better than to get me in some sort of trouble. Most likely the little dick head that was cheating on his wife. "Dude, she flat out asked me if you were taking a piece at work and I told her the truth."

Anyway, that was months ago and it appears his little plan did not work. But since then I have been trying to be proactive and it has been fine but someone is still accessing the site from work.

So, I will be blocking IP addresses from my neck of the woods. And those from the Home Planet of the Big Giant Heads.

So, if you are a Canadian, you may get cut off. If your a Yank from the Home Planet state you may also get cut off. No worries if you are from any other country, you should be fine. But if you are worried, just email me your IP and I will unblock it.

If you try and access the site from home and get an error page, just email me your IP address and I will unblock your IP.

These restrictions will take effect at the end of the week and will be lifted as soon as I can narrow down the series of IP addresses that are associated with my work place.

Sorry if this is a pain in the ass, but I don't know any other way to do this. If you do, drop me a line.

And another thing...

For those of you who don't know your IP address just head over to IP CHICKEN and read it off the screen.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 03-04-07

how do i stop him screaming at me (France)
and another thing (UK)
if a man hits a woman once will he do it again (UK) Ya, and it is his fault. If he gets the chance to hit her twice, its all on her.
dear asshole (San Antonio) (Tucson)
she's not the kind of girl you hear about (Brazil)
stop me if you think you've heard this one before (UK)
clint eastwood know italian oscars translate(Algonac, Michigan) He doesn't actually know Italian. He was just reading the translation off the tele-prompter.
dog fuck (Australia) Dude, please.
who's your friend (Alabama)


Sears Direct Response(Illinois)
United Technologies Research Center(Connecticut)
Canadian Department Of Education (Halifax, NS)
University Of Athens (Greece) not Georgia
Indiana University (Bloomington)
Intown Suites (Illinois)
University Of Texas At San Antonio (Duh.)
City Of Tucson(Arizona)
University Of Turku (Finland)
University Of California (Emeryville)
American Excelsior Company (Arlington, Texas)
Fujitsu Ltd. (Japan)
Weber State University (Ogden, Utah)
Univar Corp (Kirkland, Washington)

Cheaper by the dozen.

Angelina Jolie should just
buy an orphanage

and be done with it.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Licensed to Kill Drive.

Took the boy for his learners permit the other day. Just the initial written test. With this permit he can learn to drive.

He passes. The written test. And then thinks I will let him drive home.

"Boy, all you are qualified to do at this point is draw us a map home."

I will see how he does in an empty parking before putting my life in his hands on the open road.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Careful what you wish for.

My friend Bunnie was wondering why she never makes the blog. To tell you the truth, I could have a whole other blog with nothing but Bunnie. The material from her day to day could fill three blogs. She is what you would call a huge personality. Everything it huge with her, dramatic. Her work, her health, stress level, kid trouble even going for coffee is a drama. (I will have to remember to describe that whole experience.)

I don't know how else to describe it but its huge, grand, dramatic. The kind of stories you have to tell in an Italian accent with a lot of hand and arm movement. Just BIG. I don't know if I can do it justice in print. You really need to hear it with the voices. She actually whines, not the annoying kind of whine but the one that makes you go, 'awwww that is so pitiful'. And then laugh your ass off. It is a good thing that she doesn't take herself as seriously as she seems to. She does understand that she sounds pitiful and can laugh about it. Well hopefully she can.

But we will leave Bunnie out of this (mostly). Tonight it is all about her daughter. She calls her The Lump.

Anyway. Last night The Lump was sick and had to be taken to the emergency room. In our neck of the woods it is called The Out Door or Out Patients.

Right off the hop, you knew she was sick. Judging from the way she was dressed leaving the house. She is 16, she does not take a dump unless she has makeup on. And around here, you just don't go to the out door unless you are near death. It is just not the place to be. It's not like the TV show, you could be there for days. Unless you are bleeding from the jugular, and even then they will ask you to try not to make a mess on the floor.

At one point a woman walked by us carrying a toothbrush. She entered one of the rooms, (I peeked) she looked like she had moved in. She had probably been there so long they foreclosed on her house. I looked at Bunnie and nodded. "Lifer."

The Lump had been throwing up since early that morning and I was having a little trouble with it myself. She hadn't eaten all day, so there was nothing to throw up. I wish I could describe the sound. The best I can come up with is the Lion from Wizard of Oz. Not so much a roar as a gurgle. Yuck! I hate hearing anyone lose their lunch. I am the most unsympathetic person you will ever meet in that situation. Hell, I used to have to get my mother to come over if the Boy threw up. I see vomit, and I vomit. Suddenly its the restaurant scene from Monty Python's Meaning of Life. "Part VI: The Autumn Years"

Unlike the TV show no one is ever rushing. EVER. Nurses, doctors, orderlies, all moving at a snails pace. Like the floors were just mopped and they were scared they might slip and break a nail or something. I think their policy is, if we leave them alone long enough one of two things will happen. One, they will get better or Two, they will die. Either way we won't have to do a fucking thing.

At one point they had taken the Lump off the IV and over to x-rays, and left her there. Finally I said, Fuck it and wheeled her back myself. Mind you she did not enjoy the ride, it was my first time driving one of those big-ass beds, so I did knock her around a bit. But we got there in practically one piece. And no one noticed.

Bunnie and I went for a smoke. Surely by the time we came back, her IV would be back in? After all, didn't they make a big deal about changing it. Made is seem like a miraculous concoction of potassium and sugar. Like a banana split, only gross. Surely they would rush to have her back on this wondrous drip?

NOT. We were starting to get the feeling that we would have to treat this like a buffet, cuz the service sucked.

We return from our smoke and the IV is standing at the end of the hallway. Did I mention that all this was happening in the hallway? No room for the Lump. She had to be sick as a dog in the hallway. The poor thing was hacking up a lung every 10 minutes. How do I know it was every 10 minutes? Well at one point the nurse says, "Ya, we were around the corner timing it." Oh, so you were at least doing something productive. Can I get in on the pool?

So, I walk up to the IV and loud enough for one of the three nurses standing around having tea to hear. I start handling it and say, "I could probably hook this shit up myself. How hard could it be?" I get nothing from the nurses. Maybe they thought I would actually attempt it, thus saving them from having to do anything. That's when Bunnie snapped. She walks up to one of the nurses and says, disgusted, "Uh, the doctor wanted that hooked back up." That got the bitch moving.

An hour later she is feeling a bit better. When the IV goes back in the Lump begins to whine that it is hurting her. This is when I start to mess with her a little. After all she is feeling better, and I am getting bored. I start inspecting the IV, reading the instructions and inspecting the tubing for bubbles.

"Hmm, is there supposed to be so many bubbles?" Her eyes fly open. "Relax. I was told there had to be 6 inches of air before it would ever kill ya. I wonder if they meant 6 inches total or...?"

Then I drop the tubing and she squeaks. "Owww, don't move the tube, it hurts." That is when I recall Bunnie telling me about how the Lump had pulled a horror show the other day and was verbally abusive with her Grandmother.

I pick up the tubing again. "That's for being mean to your Grandma."

She looks at me and says, "She deserved it." I drop the tubing. "OUCH! Oh my God, Mom, where did you find this psycho?" I pick up the tubing again. Florence Nightingale I am not.

Finally the doctor shows up, I think it was hour 5. He is old, and looks like he was rode hard and put up wet. The best he can do is say it was 'flu like'. If she gets better, she gets better. If not, he lets the sentence trail off. We waited 5 hours for those pearls of wisdom.


"Oh my God, Lump. Look at that boy, he is gorgeous!"

The cleaner walks buy, she has a quizzical look on her face. She begins talking to herself. "What is that smell?" If you don't know, I don't know who does.

When asked what the diagnosis could be, the nurse replied, like we had asked her the meaning of life. "Who knows, who really knows?" Well, Bitch, since you are the medical professional we were sorta hoping it was you!

Hour 3 a nurse walks by the retching Lump. "She doesn't look that great." Is that your professional opinion, asshole? If that is how you feel, maybe you should do something? Apparently not, she didn't even stop for a closer look.

Upon hearing the ambulance sirens approach the nurse says, "Listen to that. The bastards." Ya, they might ask you to actually do something tonight.

Ok, Bunnie, your next.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

A horse, a chicken & a Harley

Just had to share this one with you.
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!