Monday, June 30, 2008

What kind of friend are you?

Bunnie and I were having a conversation about just that today. I was listening to this song

and I believe that that is the kind of friend I am. Not a push over, don't get me wrong, if you were to ask me for something stupid I would tell you to pound sand. But if you are ever in trouble, call and I will be there. Someone you can count on.

What I believe is that if you are not that kind of friend, then you are just an acquaintance. However, if an acquaintance asked, I would be there too. I don't seem to discriminate.

I guess when you are that kind of person, you don't have to really try to make friends, people gravitate to that, as well they should. I'm not sure if it is just our generation, but Bunnie's daughter (The Lump) does not have those kinds of friends. As proven by the ones who left her to wander drunk in the snow. Back in my day, we never left anyone behind, not even the ones we didn't particularly care for.

When asked why I was given such a great opportunity (new job), I had to say I didn't really know. I don't know what it is, but people like me. Not always with good cause, in my opinion, but they do. Maybe I give off that 'kind of friend you want' vibe, even when I am informing them that they are being idiots.

I don't know. You will have to ask them.

So, what kind of friend are you?

Sunday, June 29, 2008

You've got a lot of nerve!

My sister was here the other day and began to cry. Going on about how bad her life is, and how depressed she is. I sit back and listen. I am not heartless, but as she is going on I am deep in my own head. Assessing her life from the outside.

She has problems, sure. But she is a good looking woman, takes care of herself. She has a decent job. She owns her own home and SUV. She has a couple different guys interested in taking her out, she never had an issue with that. And to top it all off, she has a significant amount of money saved for her retirement.

I realize after a moment that she has stopped talking, "Are you fucking kidding me? That's all you got?"

She looks at me, stunned. "Between the two of us, it is me that should be depressed, not you."

Now to get her to look at what my life looks like from the outside, "What? I am fat, ugly, live pay-check to pay-check, no savings and I live with two cats. If anyone should be depressed it is me. It could be worse, you could be living my life."

However, she may be aware that this is the life I want. I am very happy with where I live and who I live (or don't live) with. Ok, I could do without the cats but I could get rid of them if I truly wanted to. Might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am content. And if I wasn't? I would not be sitting around crying in my beer. I would just change it, and have done just that in the past.

As Frank says, 'Broken hearts are for assholes'. (Zappa, not Sinatra)

This is the gospel according to Evel.

~ Don't like your life? Change it. ~

Don't look at me like that! It is that simple. Once you decide to get off your lazy, depressed, self-pitying ass.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

"De minimis non curat lex"

- the law does not concern itself with trifles.

I beg to differ.

Take this ridiculous news story that is making the rounds. Like something out of a sitcom.

A 12 year-old Quebec girl sues father over grounding.

And they wonder why kids are the way they are today. It is because today's tree-hugging, politically correct society is teaching kids that there are no consequences for their actions.

And now they want to make it illegal for parents to discipline their children. These people that are supposedly in place to protect children, I wonder.
Foundation for Children, Youth and the Law (FCYL), that worked so doggedly to make it illegal for loving parents to spank their children is the very same group that successfully worked to make it legal for a stranger to sodomize a 14-year-old!

Do they even read their own memos?

I don't even know what this idiot is trying to say.
The comments posted by a great many readers in reference to the anti-spanking bill suggest that physical punishment has been the personal experience of many adults during their own childhood. The common sentiment is that it can't be so bad if they turned out OK.

We did turn out ok. And I bet you that anyone who tells you they were spanked as a child, can also tell you that they can count on one hand how many times they got spanked, and have fingers left over.

That is because spanking taught us that there were consequences to bad behavior.

For a supposedly educated group of people, they don't seem to be able to recognize the difference between discipline and abuse. I didn't go to college, but I can tell you I know the difference.

Is there such a shortage of work in the legal profession that they have to take on a 12 year old kid having a snit fit?

The lawyer, Lucie Fortin, defended her decision to take this case by claiming the camping trip — a common year-end activity across the country for students in their final year of elementary school — was a rite of passage. “This was something that would never happen again in the child’s life. And for me that was really important … This was not a question of going to the movies or not, or going online or not — because obviously, I wouldn’t have intervened in that.

Obviously, cuz that would be stupid. Are you kidding me? I don't know about you but I can smell a cheap publicity stunt a mile away. It's a freaking camping trip, not a moon landing.

And just how does a 12 year old get a lawyer? Why her brain-dead mother takes her to one, that's how. Congratulations, Mom, you have all the future makings of a crack whore right there. Never mind that she is posting lewd pictures of herself on the internet, let her express herself however she feels fit. Take a bow.

I hope for that child's sake her father does get custody of her, cuz I can tell you her mother is not doing her any favors.

If she even makes it to high school without an STD, she can look forward to ending up like one of these idiots.

Teen ‘pregnancy pact’ has US town reeling in shame.

This one almost makes me laugh. Cuz I can see the future, and those kids are getting the best punishment ever. "Well you got pregnant when you were 14, Mom, I don't see the big deal."

That is karma, Baby!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Bill's Last Day.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Thought I would share some of my favorite MS/Bill Gates videos.

Bill goes to college.

Bill and Steve, goofin' around.

Matrix spoof.

The Davinci Code

And my personal favorite...

Microsoft used to be a pretty goofy place to work, wonder if that will survive the departure of Bill.

Ask and ye shall receive.

As if on queue, the answer to my boredom has revealed itself.

I have taken on a second job. One that I can work on my off hours, or whenever I have the time. It's interesting work too. I am sure the woman who does it now (after umpteen years) doesn't think so anymore but it is new to me and, therefore, interesting.

It will involve learning new computer programs, (which I love, I am such a geek) putting together a print publication and a little advertising thrown in there for good measure. I think I should be good for the summer, until she realizes that I am not as smart as she thinks I am. (SHHHH! I won't tell her if you don't)

I don't know if it is just the contentment I feel from finding an interesting outlet or from the peace of living alone, but I purchased this for my son for grading. I think he will be surprised. After all, he thinks all I am giving him is a Pink Floyd poster I nabbed off eBay.

And, of coures, I have to add a little something to remember me by.

I know, why am I not buying myself some new toy? Well I am still under the impression that I am already getting a free toy, so why not spread the joy.

Besides, what would I do with a laptop? I already have four computers in the house and there remains the small fact that I don't actually go anywhere.

I will get more enjoyment buying accessories for the toys I have. I wonder if The Boy will add me to his Facebook now?


The Boy could not stop thanking me. At first he was slack-jawed, "I can't believe you bought me a laptop!" Then he would jump up every minute or so to hug and kiss me, tell me just how much I rock and that he loves me so much!

See, and you thought you couldn't buy your kid's affection. Oh ye of little faith.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Last call.

Maybe I have been around too long. You know that chick that sticks around too long at the bar? (You should always leave before the ugly lights come on.)

I am just so bored with the internet. There just doesn't seem to be anything new. Game sites bore me, chat sites bore me, everything bores me. Facebook is boring the hell out of me. The only time I really get any enjoyment is the Sunday Click Around at Rad's.

I have a few blogs that I hit every day (like Rad's) but once that is done, then what? I am contemplating changing the blog template, only because I have nothing to do and that usually takes a few days to perfect.

Although I am amusing myself with trying to figure out what I am missing in Vista tweaks, but that can only go so far.

I guess that it may be good for my home improvement efforts, more time for that.

Help me out here. What keeps you interested in the internet? Where do you go, what do you do? Links most appreciative.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

While we are on the subject of cool...

Ok, so that was a couple posts ago, but I am still on the subject.

I just upgraded to FireFox 3.0, and I have to say, "Way cool!" I like the 'most visited' button it added to the bookmark toolbar, very handy.

It also makes it easier to subscribe to feeds and bookmark the page just by clicking the corresponding icon at the end of the location bar.

Ever close a tab you didn't mean to close? You can reopen it in one click. Just view Recently Closed Tabs in the History menu.

I could go on and on.

Mind you, some of my addons won't work with it, yet. But the cool thing is I didn't have to uninstall them, and it 'says' it will automatically enable them when they are compatible.

Well you know the first thing you do with a new browser version is have a look at the addons available. This one is the coolest so far.

PicLens "Transform your browser into a full-screen, 3D experience for online photos and videos."

While I haven't figured out how to get the video to work like it does in the demo on the site, I still think it is cool.

I know, your saying, "Vista already has it in media center."

Not the same, this is not the pics on your computer, its the web. Just watch the video.

Did I mention, its cool?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


The only problem with joining WW with a buddy, is coordinating your schedules.

Looks like the start date is going to have to be July 3rd.

Not for lack of trying.

To an outside observer it would seem that my brothers son (my godson) is actively trying to kill himself. It also seems that if it weren't for bad luck this kid would have no luck at all. His father describes him as, well, an accident waiting to happen.

Most people can look back and recount one traumatic, possibly life-threatening experience from their youth, this kid is on number three.

He is attending college in the capital city, about two hours from home. One night he is making his way home. He is attacked and ends up beaten within an inch of his life. I am sure they said baseball bats were involved.

I believe the very next year, he is out in BC at a party. There is an altercation and somehow he ends up being sliced open by a guy with a machete. I know, you're saying, 'who has a machete in the city'? This kid managed to find the one person who did, and proceeded to piss him off.

Fast forward to the present, he is out partying and falls out of ... wait for it ... a tree and breaks his back. I kid you not, seventh vertebrae. By some miracle he can still move his limbs. (no he is not 12, he is 23)

These are just the incidents that we know of. The ones requiring hospitalization. I am sure there are more that only his friends know about. I would put money on it.

Common denominator? Alcohol. Not a substance that our family tree has a particularly good relationship with. My father was an alcoholic and I would say two of my brothers, if they are not careful, are primed to follow in his footsteps.

They say when you have alcoholism in your family you have to be careful, that it is hereditary. This boy has been very lucky so far, but I worry that his luck will run out.

I am hoping, for his parents sake, that this experience will snap him out of it. That he will realize that maybe, just maybe, he can't handle his liquor. Maybe its time to knock off the booze before he succeeds in actually killing himself.

I spoke to his mother a couple days after all this, he was home. Turns out just a hair line fracture. He will be fine but he has to take it very easy. (ya, I can see that happening)

"He is in pain but on meds, he just has to take it easy for a while."

"Ok, well, tell him I said...
(and I pause, feel better? get well soon? what do you say?) tell him I said...KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!"

F you!

I fuckin' love this.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Times they are a changing.

First up, Weight Watchers.

I am starting to look the same coming as going, if you catch my drift. Put another way? I can safely park in the expectant mothers space at the mall without fear of reprisal. I have probably gained 20 pounds since I started working from home.

My back hurts, my sides hurt, my feet hurt. Everything hurts now. Don't even get me started on the FCS. I figure I am carrying around at least an extra person in weight and my joints are not impressed.

Ever hear the expression, "Inside every fat chick there is a skinny one trying to get out"? I know she is in there...because I ate her.

So that's it.....I am joining. Nurse Darling and I took one look at each other tonight and said, "Fuck it, let's do it."

Don't get me wrong, I know that diets do not work. But Weight Watchers does. And I has absolutely nothing to do with counting points or the meal plans. Everyone who is not a complete idiot knows what not to eat.

The key to WW is the woman. You know who I am talking about, the lifer that puts you on the scale every week and gives you that sympathetic look, "Awe sweety, you gained a pound."

She is your will power. She will be that voice in the back of your head that keeps you from eating that candy bar. It is the dread of hearing those 6 words that will prevent you from polishing off that pizza.

And of course the competition when you join with a friend, bonus. I am going to post my weight and progress on the bottom of my blog. (what about you ND?)

Ok, Nurse is on!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Small shiny objects.

In case you are wondering about the funky little pics I have been spattering around lately, I have been investigating my Vista.

You would be surprised at all the stuff they don't tell you about. This being one of them. (and I think the coolest)

It's called the Snipping tool and it is way cool. (can you tell I bore easily?)

Let me know if it starts to get on your nerves. Like I give a shit. (Did I use my outside voice?)

Anyway, so far I have tinkered, I think, a little too much. I actually had to reinstall Vista after a couple of these, but I was due for that anyway. If you want to try a few, be my guest. You will find them here.

Ya, sure you are.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"I can't get connected."

"How many lights on the modem?"

Impatiently, "They are all on and on the router too."

"Ok, can you pull the power from the router?"
It's usually the router.

"I have done all that, I'm an IT guy."

"Ok, what kind of error do you get?"

"Local area connection, network cable unplugged."

Guess what? The network cable was unplugged.

Another idiot who lied on his resume.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I want my toy! Now!

I am starting to get excited. Like I am really going to get this thing.

I called the RBC yesterday just to make damn sure there was no loophole they were going to spring on me at the last minute.

Wouldn't you know, I got a newbie, Dave, who looked at my account and said, "Wait a minute. You already had payroll deposit? I think you need to apply for a credit card then to qualify."

WTF? "Really? Because the last person I talked to didn't mention that. And I don't want a credit card."

"Well you don't have to keep it."

"Ok, do I have to apply for a credit card or do I actually have to qualify? Cuz I can tell you, it ain't happening."

"I can transfer you to the credit department..."

"You know what? Don't. I can't imagine why the last person would tell me I qualified, she was looking at the same account that you are. Why don't you go find out for sure. I will just let you know, that after all this, if I don't get one of these free pc's I will be switching banks."

So, off he goes to talk to a supervisor or whatever he has to do. And I was not kidding, I will switch banks if they put me through all this shit, only to deny me the toy on a technicality. You don't get my hopes up without some serious ramifications. [insert Cartman voice ]

He comes back in about 5 minutes, "Evel? You are in like Flynn!" He is more excited than I am. "My mistake, I am so sorry."

"No worries, Dave, as long as I get my toy."

"Don't you worry, you are getting the toy!"

After that, I spent a few hours transferring money into my paypal account and surfing eBay for 'accessories' for my toy.

Which will all probably arrive before it does. SIGH!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Eyes rolling.

I was waiting outside for Bunnie to pick me up to go for groceries.

TBF did a drive-by in the Porsche. Gave me a salute.

He is just that cool.

No, he is not dead yet.

Which is really surprising since the man is 71 years old.

I found this in our daily newspaper.

I just might go.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Blogging Idol

From the people over at Daily Blog Tips.

I am thinking this might be interesting. I am starting to get bored, as I am sure my readers are, (both of them) with my blog. Maybe with The Boy gone, I have lost all fodder for the blog.

Also, working at home, I don't get to interact with as many crayons as usual. I need to get out more.

I might keep my eye on this competition. Hell, I might even sign up.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Another ride in the pork truck.

The Boys Father just purchased his midlife crisis car. A Porsche Cayman S.

More than ten years ago TBF bought his first Porsche from my sisters husband. It was a 911, not all that impressive. But I have to say this new one is pretty.

Back then The Boy was still talking like he was from Jersey. You know how all small kids have that Jersey accent?

Well he was all excited cuz his dad was taking him for a ride in the 'pork truck'.

Gosh he was cute when he was small.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Oldest living groupies.

While we are on the subject of my mother, I have to say it wasn't all an eye rolling experience. Sometimes my mother was a hoot.

My cousin Johnny has always played in a band for as long as I can remember. And his mother, my aunt, was so proud of him. This one year he happened to be playing a venue close to where we lived so she asked my mother to attend with her.

Of course, that meant that I would be the one transporting my mother. As always, it was a given. But this time I was looking forward to it, I hadn't heard him play in years.

So, we agree to go and my aunt tells us that Johnny has left our name at the door so we can get right in. Sweet.

You have to note that my mother was in her 70's at the time and my aunt was even older (although my aunt was always what the old chicks call 'spry')

So, we are heading for the door, two old chicks and me, going to a rock concert. Mind you, this sort of music did draw an older crowd but even so, we did receive some stares.

I start to giggle to myself. My aunt goes ahead, she is already searching for a seat when my mother walks right over to the ticket table and announces ...

"I'm with the band."

The look on their faces was worth the price of admission.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

No one would ever suspect that she didn't belong.

Years ago my brother was working at a home for ... how to put this delicately? What am I saying, this is me, you aren't really expecting delicate are you?

As kids we called it the loony bin. Not criminally insane people, just insane. I am sure there is some politically correct word for it, but these people are probably too nuts to be offended.

Anyway, my brother is working there and every year they have a garden party. A little get together with family and residents. Open to the public so, you know, they can see that these people are harmless and thus they don't need to be afraid that there is a huge building full of them within walking distance and they can put the torches back in storage.

So, this one year he invites my mother to attend and she informs me that I am taking her. What the hell was my brother thinking? He has met her, hasn't he?

As we are making our way to the festivities, I warn her, "If you say anything to anyone, I will leave you here."

"What are you talking about, its a party, I will have to speak to people."

"You know what I mean."

No sooner was it out of my mouth when she spots her first victim and in an inappropriately loud voice she stops and points, "Oh Look! They have midgets!" Like she's just arrived at the circus or something.

I close my eyes praying for the ground to swallow me. "Mom, he works here. And I am pretty sure they don't like to be called midgets."

"So, what do you call them?"

"How about, 'the guy who works here'. Why do you have to call them anything?"

I find her a chair and get her a plate of food. Maybe stuffing her pie-hole will get us through this day alive.

As we sit enjoying the food and the entertainment, a man walks over to us. He is clearly a resident. He is an older man, with long white hair wearing only pajama bottoms and slippers.

Under my breath, "What now?"

He walks up to my mother and lays his plate at her feet. He then proceeds to get on all fours and eat it like a dog. Complete with wagging of non-existent tail.

My mother turns to me, she inhales as if to say something.

I stop her, "One fucking word and I swear to god, I will find you a room in this place."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

First casualty of the Great Ant Invasion of 2008.

I am trying to clean up my desk on my day off. I move my keyboard and there it is, going in six different directions seemingly at once. Not sure where it wants to run but it knows it must.

The biggest, fattest ant so far. This one is so big, it really creeps me out.

My skin begins to crawl and I begin to smash at it with my hand, (as girls do) and jump back, hoping I got it. I didn't. Smash again, it runs towards me. Remember, I am a fat chick, nothing about this battle is graceful. I am sure the tenants downstairs think an elephant is trampling a tourist up in here.

I jump back and crash into my laptop, launching it off the desk and into the bookcase.

This cannot be good. But I can't worry about it, I must not take my eyes off the ant lest he escape and I would not be able to sleep knowing it was still alive, crawling somewhere. I pick up the notepad and S-W-A-C-K!

Dead ant.

Then I remember the laptop.

Dead laptop.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What is pissing me off right now?

Let's see:

- Ants in my bedroom/office. I took me a day to figure out where they were coming from. Old windows, cracks in the molding. FUCK ME, I hate crawly things.

- Environmentalists. Just fuck off.

- Commercials that use cartoon animation to illustrate how their product works. "Oh, the pill causes those red arrows to turn blue, so it must relieve headaches too." What? Who falls for that shit?

- Wildlife. I don't give a shit how cute raccoons are, I need them to fuck off or I need them dead. Either way, I am ok with it.

- Not-so-wild life. This means the cats that reside in my home. They contribute nothing to society and they wake me at 4am to let them out. FUCK OFF! If I figure out how to off the raccoon, you will be right behind it.

- Gas prices. There is no reason for us to be subject to gas prices set by foreign countries. If we didn't have so many tree huggers, we would be able to produce our own oil or other fuel alternatives. If Brazil can do it, why can't we?

I will tell you why, cuz those nuts are hell bent on saving the Spitting Shit Fly of Nunavut, so we can't drill in the north.(just one example)"OOOO we have to preserve the beauty of the wilderness." Why? I ask you. I don't see them spending their vacations there, giving those people an alternative source of income. They are so much more interesting to see in documentaries, the shacks, the igloos, eating whatever they can chase down. (Not seal though, we have been over this) "Oh I don't ever intend to set foot there, (insert snotty British accent) but I don't want you to ruin it, on the off chance I might want to some day." Yes, Paul. Whatever you say, Paul. (kneel and kiss the $400 alligator shoes)

- Paul McCartney. For so many reasons, including the above. I could go on about him for hours.

- Oprah. I blame her for everything.

- Mac commercials. Vista is not buggy. Hardware vendors have just been draggin' their asses on driver updates. I have been using Vista for a year without incident. "Oh but you have to perform expensive upgrades to your PC in order to run it." Are you serious? Upgrading a PC is cheap. You know how you upgrade a Mac? Throw it out the window and buy a new one. Don't get me started.

- Drivers.

That'll do for now.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Too good to be true? I'll let you know.

A friend alerted me to this offer. The Royal Bank of Canada, giving away computers.

Are you kidding? I have to get me some of that. But what is the catch?

Back in the day you would get a new toaster for opening up an account, but a computer?

Appears so.

So I call. Ten minutes later, I have switched my account (2 bucks more than I am paying now with overdraft protection I never had before) and I am on my way to getting a new computer.

One little hiccup in the mix. I was on bankbook so I have to switch to paper statements, wait till I actually get a paper statement and switch to electronic statements.

So, a couple of hoops to jump through, but a small price.

I will let you know if I, or my friend, ever actually get one of these cute little things.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

If they can hear a smile in your voice, how does my eyes rolling into the back of my head sound?

Forget it, I don't care.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ my name is blah blah blah..."

After trying to explain to the customer that if she turns off the modem, router and computer every night, she has to power up in a certain order or it won't work, I just have to put it out there, "You know you don't have to shut down the modem and router, the computer is plenty."

"Well, I am just trying to do my part for global warming."

Ya, instead she has two modems, two routers, 8 computers (one for every room in a house she lives alone in) and a dozen other peripherals. But hey, she turns them off at night.

Way to go, Ed Begley.

I wonder how much she is really doing to reduce her carbon footprint. I felt like asking her, but if she is like most people, that is probably it.

The only thing she is really doing to save the planet is the thing that contributes most to my irritation level on any given day.

"...home computers account for only a tiny fraction of your total household energy use...your computer likely isn't the biggest energy-waster in your home."

Mr. Electricity says it can cost up to $1.19 or as little as a penny per day to run your computer, depending on your usage and whether you put it in sleep/turn off when your not using it or whether you leave it on all the time.

If you promise to stop calling me to remind you of the order you must power this shit up, I will send you a buck-twenty every single, fucking day of your stupid computers miserable, fuckin' life.

You can come pick it up in your gas guzzling SUV. I know you have one, you ain't got to lie!