Friday, October 31, 2003

Happy Halloween!

Halloween fun at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

Oh no, Deb is off her meds!

We already know men are big babies.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

The call that broke the camel�s...well, you know.

Was doing a shift of overtime tonight. I love doing overtime. You can come in whenever you feel like it, take breaks whenever you want and the calls don�t get to you so much because you know that at any point you can just sign out and go home.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�Ya, how do I find Windows on my computer?� Huh?

�I�m not sure what you mean, mamme?�

�Windows�...where is it?�

�Is your computer on?�


�Then your looking at it.�

�Where? I just bought this new computer and I was told that windows came on it, how do I find it? I know it must be in here somewhere, but I don�t know where to look. I paid good money to have windows put on my machine, I think I have been ripped off.�

This is a joke. Is this a joke? This has to be a joke, right?

�Um, oh kay, can you click on your start button?�

�Yes, ok, now what?�

�Well mamme, the simple fact that you can click on your start button tells me that you are looking at windows. Windows is your operating system. It is everything you see. It runs everything else on your computer. I don�t know how else to explain it. The screen, the buttons, the menus...all of it. Its all windows.�

You can almost feel the blood rush to this idiots face. She was all full of righteous indignation because she �paid good money� and now she is realizing that she has just proved to at least one other person on this planet that she is a complete and utter moron.

That call broke me, I signed out and went home. I just knew it could only go down hill from there.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Same shit, different time of day.

I started my new shift at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� today. Sort of hard to get used to waking up at a decent hour of the day and getting home in time to watch the tube.

The shift went well. It was busy all day but it seemed that the people who call through the day are a bit more......lets just say? Stable? That's not to say I didn't get any nutbars, but they were more often sane than insane. I did think that the shift seemed to go by quicker. I even had a trainee sitting with me. (heaven help her) She listened to a few calls including this one:
Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah...

"Ya, I need help reinstalling my Product A."

"Certainly, do you have the installation disc?"


"Ah, how do you intend to reainstall sir?"

"Jesus Christ, that's what I called you for. Stop wasting my time and just get it done!"


Boy is he going to be pissed when after an hour or so he realizes that I did not do what he told me to. You know, teleport myself into his room and install the software for him.

After that call I said to the trainee, who clearly looked stricken, "You take the next one, chances are you won't get two whacko's in a row." Talk about deer in the headlights. I told her I would talk and she could work the tools, and I promised her I would talk slow. Luckily I got a decent guy who didn't get pissed off when I did this.

Sometimes we talk slow during the last call of the night so we can drag it out till closing. You know, if it is 5 minutes to closing, we don't want to finish in 4 minutes and have to take another call at one minute to. They always turn out to be some nut case that won't shut up and deal with the fact that we are closing and I can't put them through to technical support. So for the last call we try and drag it out and some people get very irritated at that. I had one guy try and tell me that I was trying to stall him till the cops got there. This is what I deal with every day.

I love my job. It is never boring.

Sunday, October 26, 2003


I am a CSI junkie. I just have one question.

What is up with the fucking flashlights? Wouldn't it be easier to just turn on the fucking lights?

Monday, October 20, 2003

Men think of the stupidest things to do.

Who else thinks David Blaine is just a whakko with a gimmic?
David Blaine - Above The Below

UPDATE:This guy is a street magician, and I have to say that when he is doing that he is very impressive. I am not sure what these stunts have to do with his talent as a magician. The last one he did was a box made of ice....or was it burried alive? not sure. But as a magician he is one of those guys that freak you out how good he is. One that comes to mind is he takes a string or thread from a persons clothing....swallows it and has it actually come out of this stomache.....I mean he lifts up his own shirt and pulls the string from his skin. FREAKS THE PERSON RIGHT OUT! OH OH and he pulls the head off a live chicken? Right there on the street, no prep, no studio no stage. Freaky! If you ever see on your tv guide, "David Blaine - Street Magic" watch it, it is unbelievalbe. He should stick to the magic.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

More money than brains.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�Ya, my online banking is not working.�

�Ok, what version of the product are you using?�


�Well, Mamme, 2000 is now considered an obsolete program. That is probably why you are experiencing problems. As your bank updates, the further behind you stay the more problems you are going to have.�

�Can�t you help me?�

�Well, not with the obsolete programs, we have no one here trained on them. The banking program is upgraded every year so they go obsolete pretty quick. If you were to upgrade to 2004, which is the newest version, it should solve your problem. Now, if it doesn�t you can call us back and we do provide free support for the new version.�

�Oh, that�s how its gonna be is it? A scheme to make us buy new software.�

�No Mamme, you can use the 2000 version forever if you like, as long as your bank doesn�t upgrade then you don�t have to.�

�But this thing is only 3 years old.�

�We put out a new version of that every year.�

�So I have to buy this thing again?�

�No Mamme, you don�t have to do anything, but if you want to do online banking you may have to. You can call your bank and see if they can support the 2000. The banks require encryption updates in order to make online banking more secure. Encryption that existed in 2000 may not be adequate for today�s banking needs. And since we cannot predict the future here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, we come out with a new version of the banking software every year. That is why the price is so affordable.� (its $20, but she wouldn�t let me get that out of my face before she lost her mind.)

She is screaming now, �Or I could just buy Quicken, cuz you guys suck. You can just go f#$%...�


That time she hung up on me. Before I could tell her that Quicken was $80 as opposed to our $20. A perfect example of more money than brains.

Saturday, October 18, 2003


(Bev gets all the real whackos.)

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Bev, blah blah blah�

�Ya, my thingy doesn�t work.�

�Your thingy Mamme? What thingy would that be?�

�You know�.the thingy. I am trying to buy something online and the thingy won�t work.�

�Is it asking you for your credit card?�

�Yes and when I put my card in the thingy, it keeps asking me to enter my credit card.�

�I still don't understand what thingy you are talking about.�

�The ATM thingy in the front of my computer. I put my credit card in there but it still keeps asking me for the information.�


Don�t blame her for hooking that one.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Survival of the fittest.

I am not a cook. That said, there are two exceptions. Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Now when I say I am not a cook. I don�t mean that I can�t cook, I mean I do not cook. If you see me at the grocery store ringing up my purchases, you would swear I was a frat boy with just a hot plate and a microwave in my dorm room. It is all pre-packaged and microwavable. It all makes perfect sense considering the fact that I don�t do dishes.

But hey, its Thanksgiving and the �boy� was looking a little peckish so I decided at noon on Saturday (my day off) that I would have turkey dinner. Its not the best idea on a holiday weekend to go and search for a turkey but as luck (or unluck) would have it, I found not only a turkey but an unfrozen one.

I spend the rest of the afternoon making stuffing, cutting potatoes, peeling carrots, the whole nine yards. The turkey is almost done at 5 and I proceed to turn on the veggies.

This is the point where my stove, who as you remember is only asked to perform twice a year, decides to lose its mind.

�WTF? We didn�t discuss this. You want to turn the oven on? Ok, and what? ALL the burners? At once? I am gonna have to think about this.� �Ya know what? NO!�

I just get the veggies to a rolling boil when the fuses for the burners blow. POP! POP! POP!

The sane thing to do at that moment would be to go out and find some fuses to replace it. It was after supper on a holiday weekend, I would have to search the various convenience stores for fuses. That would have taken effort and I am all about taking the low road. Now, since I really didn�t have any company coming, I decided to go another way. I just cooked the veggies one at a time on the one remaining burner. (Martha Stewart, I ain�t.)

Needless to say it was midnight before my turkey dinner was ready for consumption. But it was damn good. If I do say so myself. Now I have until Dec 24 to get new fuses for the stove. Maybe Santa will put some in my stocking.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

The dangers of in-breeding.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�I jes got a cumputa and evray thin is warkin fahn but I can�t see m�self� (my feeble attempt at a Bostonian accent.

�Excuse me?� (translation: WTF?)

�I can�t see m�self, all the cullas are wrawng.�

I don't have the patience for this. Is he talking about his reflection in the monitor? (don�t laugh, it has happened before)

�I am not sure what you mean sir, is the screen blank, is that what you mean?�

�Naw, evray thin else is fahn, but I can�t see m�self, the cullas are wrawng.�

Jesus H. Christ �Sir, do you have a webcam?�

�Ya, and the cullas a wrawng.�

After explaining to him that we don't make web cams, that we are a software company, I give him the number for the maker of the web cam and send him on his way.

I wonder if his mom and dad were brother and sister?

Monday, October 13, 2003

What do you want for nothing?

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�I am trying to install this upgrade and I am getting an error message�

�What is the error message you are getting?�

�Product A cannot find a qualifying product on drive C�

�And do you have a previous version installed?�

�No, I threw it away, but this should work.�

�No sir, what you purchased is an upgrade. It is looking for a previous version to upgrade.�

�But this should have the whole version on it.�

�No sir, it is an upgrade.�
I get him to read the disc, it clearly states that this software will search your system for a qualifying product.

�So, I have to go out and spend another $400 and get a full version?�

�Well sir, if you purchased the upgrade it was only $240, that�s why it wasn�t $400 it is not the full version, it is only an upgrade. If you like you can get your money back for the upgrade and purchase the full version.�

�Like Bill doesn�t have enough money he needs to force us to buy a full version of this?�
Oh ya, he�s like the mafia that way.

�Actually sir, Bill is giving people who previously purchased a full version of the software a break by selling them an upgrade at a reduced price.�

�That doesn�t make sense. All the software should be full versions. Upgrades should have the full version of the software.�
This guy is stomping all over my last nerve. I am so not in the mood for this.

�That doesn�t make sense sir. If you threw away your car and then turned around and bought new tires for that car, would you expect to still be able to drive the car?�

�That doesn�t make sense.�
Is he seriously listening to what he is saying?

�Well those are your options sir.�

�Well those options suck, I should be able to install this software. But it doesn�t surprise me that you people would force me to buy something else. �

THAT IS IT! �No one is forcing you to do anything sir, it is totally your decision to buy the software or not.�
I am sure Bill will not go hungry if you don�t.

He starts to curse and hangs up the phone.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a nice day now.�

Thursday, October 9, 2003

Peace at long last.

They are finally friends.

And another thing...

In case anyone cares, I finally got that earlier shift. Starting October 26 I will be on 12 - 8pm. Sweet! And I have the same days off. I know what you are thinking........and no, I didn't have to give head or anything.

I spent my day guessed it.................

I know, I promised I would solve the whole "world hunger" thing...but I will have to get to that some other day.

One more thing...

Ever wonder where to find all those funny commercials? Wonder no longer.
Funny Video Clips

Monday, October 6, 2003

Everyone Knows It's Windy.

Here are some Hurricane Pictures taken in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Saturday, October 4, 2003

Know who your mugger is.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�..blah blah blah.�

�Ya, Every time I try and save a file in my Word Perfect it wont save the images�.�
she is frantically talking a mile a minute.

As soon as she said Word Perfect I zoned out, I am now just waiting for her to shut the fuck up and let me get a word in edgewise.

�...I see the images when I am saving but when I bring it back the images are gone and�.�

�Excuse me Mamme? Did you say Word Perfect?�

she is off on another tangent she is not listening to me as I try to interrupt her.

I am going to have to raise my voice, �MAMME! I am sorry, but we cannot help you with Word Perfect.�

�What do you mean you won�t help me?�
That got her attention. �Oh, I suppose you want to squeeze some money out of me? That's what it is all about with you people, turn us upside down and shake more money out of us.�

�No Mamme, I can�t help you with Word Perfect because it is not our software. Are you sure you don�t mean Word or WordPad?�

�I know what the hell I am doing here, I am not an idiot! I have been working with Word Perfect for years. This is not something I did, it is a problem with your software!�
I bit my tongue on the idiot line. Was waiting for her to say �..hey I am not computer literate�..� They usually get it backwards.

�Actually Mamme, it may well be a problem with the software, but it isn�t our software. Word Perfect is made by Corel, this is Undisclosed Computer Software Company� you would have to contact Corel for support with Word Perfect.�

�Your telling me that Bill is taking all our money and he won�t even support the software?�
She is freaking out! I am going to have to dumb it down a bit so she will get the picture.

�Mamme, Bill, didn�t take your money on this one, Derek Burney
did. You will have to call him and ask him how it works. We don�t train our techs to fix other peoples software.�

Silence. I think it is sinking in that she has called the wrong place. She feels like an idiot�.I can feel it. I like the feeling. Any second she is going to hang up.

So I wait, in silence.


Next crayon.

Friday, October 3, 2003

50 Questions.

Radmila creates another monster. If you read it you have to post on your site the answers.

1. Your name spelled backwards: Llebpmac Ave
2. Where were your parents born? Father/Mother : Canada
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? kazaa lite
4. What's your favorite restaurant? Wendy's, big fan of the drive-thru
5. Last time you swam in a pool? 1989, the last time this body was in a bathing suit.
6. Have you ever been in a school play? no, I was cool in school ;-)
7. How many kids do you want? I have one, and that's sometimes too many.
8. Type of music you dislike most? rap, hands down. I figure it is for people who can't sing, much like break dancing was for people who couldn't dance.
9. Are you registered to vote? YES
10. Do you have cable? no, satalite tv and yes, I pay for it.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? what's a moped?
12. Ever prank call anybody? of course
13. Ever get a parking ticket? Yes, many.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Why would anyone jump out of a perfectly good plane?
15. Furthest place you ever traveled? Ontario......I am chicken shit
16. Do you have a garden? My thumb is completely black.
17. What's your favorite comic strip? Delbert
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Only the first verse.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower. never the same time of day, whenever the mood takes me.
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? The Sixth Sense, I never caught on that Bruce was really dead.
21. Favorite pizza topping? combination (mushrooms, pepperoni and green pepper)
22. Chips or popcorn? Chips
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? Caramel
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Ok, I am either really old or too young.
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? HA HA HA
26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange, would fresh squeeze it if it didn't take so much effort
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? My cousin Sonny at the Ranchhouse
28. Favorite type chocolate bar? Skor
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? Couple of years ago
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? See #16
31. Have you ever won a trophy? No
32. Are you a good cook? Do tv dinners count?
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes, but I don't do it.
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Never get the chance, my sister usually falls for it first.
35. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Nope, not cut out for food services.
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Cotton Candy....I kid you not
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? If I was a millionaire I could buy me a lover ;-)
40. Do you believe in love at first sight? No, but lust at first sight? That's a concept I can get behind.
41. Ever call a 1-900 number? Way too cheap for that.
42. Can ex's be friends? Is that possible? The longer they were non ex's the less likely it is.
43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My best friend Kimmy.
44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? Nope, bauld as a bat.
45. What message is on your answering machine? Spill your gutts!
46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? The guy who does, "Cheeseburger, Cheesburger, Cheeseburger, Pepsi, no coke."
47. What was the name of your first pet? Rory
48. What is in your pockets? lint
49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? blog
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? tampons

Thursday, October 2, 2003

What's in your wallet?

Because Radmila asked what was in my bag.

Contents: Bottle of Pepsi, cell phone, tampon, kleenex, keys, bottle of Buckleys, foamies for my headset at work, pay stub, notebook, pens, watch, brush, hand cream, bottle of Excedrine, compact screwdriver set, vairous bills and ( of course) carmel apple suckers, makup bag, the contents of which is ...duh makeup, visene, assorted pharmacuticals, jack knife, compact sewing kit, bandaids, purel, more hand cream and a mirror. Hey! Where is my wallet?

The only thing missing is the digital camera.....but of course I am using it at the time.

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Will wonders never cease?

I threatened the boy within an inch of his life today. I told him, �Get this house cleaned before I get home. OR ELSE!� Now, I wasn�t sure what the �or else� would be, and I left it to his imagination. This has never worked before and I expected as much this time. That is why when I walked through the door tonight and saw this

I was floored.

Ok, so it wasn�t perfect.

But it was enough for me to be very impressed. Coming from a woman who avoids housework like the plague you understand that it doesn�t take much to impress me.

I love this kid.