Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The perfect man.

"All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." -Maxine

It takes time, but he can be found.

Trust me.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dude! They found HeyZues!

Just when you thought Hollywood couldn't get any more ridiculous. James Cameron,(and some other idiot Canadian director)claim they have found the bones of Jesus Christ.

Ya right. "Oh, it says Jesus right on the box." Well then you did it, Dude. After all, there couldn't have been more than one person named Jesus on the planet.

"But the other boxes are marked Mary, Joseph, Matthew and Judah-son of Jesus." Oh I believe you, Dude. If I were betrayed by a guy I would totally name my kid after him. Ok, so it was Judas, but I would think that would be close enough for anyone.

I kid you not. These two crayons plunked down a limestone box at a press conference and said, "This is totally Jesus!" Really? It doesn't look a thing like him.

Um, Dude? Didn't he, like, rise from the dead? This could totally be a guy named Jesus, but if it were 'the' Jesus, there wouldn't be any bones. Right?

And they were found in one of 10 ancient ossuaries. Dude, Jesus' father was a carpenter, they couldn't afford fancy tombs. Rich people think everyone can afford that shit.

Oh, but they are going to examine the DNA. Exactly who are they going to compare it with? Honestly. James, you need to get a real job.

Oh, and fuck off!

YOU ARE HERE - 02-25-07

Big turn out this week for keyword searches: a little late but I was side tracked this week.

-the freelance cynic (England)
-16 years ago today (Brooklyn, New York)
-superman emblem bling (Hastings, Minnesota)
-another name for zues (Tulsa, Oklahoma)
-sodrel truck lines (Atlanta, Georgia)
-he need to go back to british (Plano, Texas)
-introvert (Fairfax, Virginia)
-celine dion and oscar night (Toronto, Ontario)Probably a concerned citizen wanting to know where to have the pizza delivered.
-i am old but not dead(Los Angeles, California)
-oscar observations(Jersey City, New Jersey)
-old italian guy oscars (Middletown, Rhode Island)
-radmila (Budapest, Hungary) Hmmm, wonder if he is looking for anyone specific?
-old but not dead(Cheyenne, Wyoming)People are really looking hard for me.
-evel(Plano, Texas)
-slide rule(Ames, Iowa)
-oscars human shadow pupets(Montreal, Quebec)
-american idol(Herndon, Verginia)


-The Chase Manhattan Bank N.a (Brooklyn, New York)
-College Of Wooster (Ohio, Wooster, United States)
-Emory University (Georgia, Atlanta, United States)
-The Equitable Life Assurance Society Of The United States (New Jersey, Jersey City, United States)
-Hanes Companies Inc(North Carolina, Winston Salem, United States) My buddy, 9 returning visits.
-Whirlpool Corporation(Michigan, St. Joseph, United States) 25 returning visits! Dude, I love your dishwashers.
-Intown Suites(Illinois, Elk Grove Village, United States)
-Chedoke-mcmaster Hospitals (Ontario, Hamilton, Canada) 34 returning visits! I think after 33, you have to say 'Hey'.
-Tara Home (Texas, Plano, United States)

Monday, February 26, 2007

And the bank's reply?

Got a reply to my inquiry about my OD charges. As expected, it was a bit confusing.
Dear Ms. Evel:

We have received your message regarding an Overdraft Interest Fee of $0.01 debited from your account and also the processing time of your withdrawals/purchases versus your deposits. My name is Mary and I am pleased to provide you with the following information.

Firstly, Overdraft interest is applied on the second business day following the 15th of each month and covers the period from the 16th of the previous month up to and including the 15th of the current month. The $0.01 Overdraft interest charged to your account is for when the account was in overdraft on February 5, 2007 for -$5.44 due to your monthly fee of $6. Please confirm with your previous month statement.

Secondly, please be advise Online Banking indicates the effective date of a transaction rather than the actual date the transaction was made.

Transactions made outside regular business hours are not processed until the next business day.

For example: if you make a withdrawal from a bank machine on Saturday, the effective date will be Monday or the next business day. The same is true of a transaction made after 6 p.m.

No matter what date a transaction displays in Online Banking, your deposit account balance will always be up to the minute.

I trust this information will help to address your inquiry.

Thank you for using BANK-messaging Service. Please do not hesitate to contact us again through this message centre or by phone at 1-800-555-5555, if we may be of further assistance.


Ms. Bank Lady
So it was completely my fault. Although the only time I go into OD is when they apply the $6 monthly fee. (I have checked, it's pretty much every month.)

I know some of you Canucks are cringing, six bucks is a lot for service fees on an account with typically 3 deposits and 5-10 uses of a bank card every month.

I know I should switch banks, but every time I think of it I cringe. I don't know if it is like this where you live, but when you open a checking account here, you have to go through a credit check. That's right. You have to pass a credit check for the bank to hold your money for you. Then you have to have your direct deposits changed and wait for your new card. Yadda Yadda Yadda.

And I guess I would just rather pay 6 dollars and one cent every month so I don't have to go through all that.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Oscar Night WTF's.

I came into it late, I had no idea it was on. Hasn't it always been in March before?

The program has been going down hill for a while. Used to be everyone would await it with anticipation, but over the last several years the nominations have become ridiculous. Although this years was not as forgettable as last year. But don't we all just love watching the filthy rich pat each other on the back?

Anyway, these are a few observations:
- American Idol loser, Jennifer Hudson, beats Cate Blanchett out of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar? Can you say Chad? Who counts these votes?
- The German film was accepted by a man clearly not German.
- Al Gore accepts an Oscar.
- Someone needs to make Celine Dion eat something.
- They pick Clint Eastwood to translate for some old Italian dude. Not necessary. It's Italian. Anything they say sounds beautiful. Can you tell I am a sucker for an Italian accent? They could be telling me to eat shit, and it sounds so pretty I would totally consider it.
- Shadow puppets?
- Dream Girls loses Oscar for Best Song. Even though they had 3 of the 5 nominations.
- Dame Judi Dench and Meryl Streep up against Penélope Cruz? Isn't she only famous for screwing Tom Cruise?
- More shadow pupets?
- Then, of course, the obligatory "I didn't know he/she was dead." or "Holy shit, I thought he/she was already dead."
- Peter O'Toole nominated again? This makes 8 nominations. No wins. Although he received an Honorary Award in 2002. But I think that was because they never expected him to live this long. They have to double check every year to see if they have to add him to the 'dead guy' reel.
- A first Oscar for Scorsese? Is that possible? I need to google that.
All in all, another pretty forgettable experience. Maybe next year.

Cat Flu.

My cat has the flu. I was not aware that cats could get the flu, but Sammy is sneezing and snotting all over everything. He looked at me the other day, his nose running, eye snot all gross and pitiful like. I just looked down at him and said, "Walk it off."

If it wasn't for the fact that vets cost more than real doctors, he might have a better time of it. But I already put a couple of their kids through college.

A couple of years ago my cat, Luci, got hit by a car. On Christmas day, cha ching! She walked in the house on three legs, one was hanging by a thread. Whadda ya do?

So, off to the vet we go. Like an episode of ER, she is bundled and rushed out back. They will examine her and observe her. Once she is out of shock they will evaluate her again and weigh their options. From the number of multiple syllable words this woman was tossing out, I could only imagine what this little episode was going to cost me.

I give the 'nurse' a blank stare. "Just keep in mind, its a cat." She looked at me like I had threatened to gutt her grandmother.

Three days later I get a call.
This is our conversation, please, no hate mail.
"Looks like we are going to have to amputate the leg."

"She couldn't get out of the way of a car on four good legs, and you want to cut one off? Jesus, how much is that going to cost me?"

"The cat will have have to stay an additional day for recovery after surgery. With post-op charges, it will be about two hundred and sixty dollars."
She said this like it was totally reasonable.

I choked. I couldn't believe she said 'cat' and 265 bucks in the same sentence. I was still pissed that I had to pay 17 bucks for the cat when I got her. "How much to put her down?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, did I stutter? How much to put her down."

"Forty dollars."


Don't look at me like that! If she had said anything up to a hundred dollars, I may have considered it. But this is a cat we are talking about and I am sorry, my son eats first. Fluffy might be cute, and you might love Fluffy. But Fluffy is not getting a liver transplant.

Fast forward to yesterday. The Boy says to me, "You should take Sammy to the vet, his eyes are running."

"Me and Sam had a little talk today. I told him it was totally up to him if he wanted to go to the vet. He decided against it."

"What are you talking about, Lunatic."

"I told him it costs 40 bucks to have him put down, if he thought his treatment would be less than that, then by all means I would rush him over ASAP."


"What? I think he made a wise choice."

I do feel bad for the cat, but I think vets should feel worse, for charging retarded fees for treatment. They get you in there and gouge the shit out of you and make you feel like a sub-human if you don't sign your gerbil up for chemotherapy.

He has got a cold. Period. If it turns out it is worse than that? Well, its in God's hands.

I tell you what, someone is going to pay for the fact that I am blowing a cats nose like it was a toddler. At least a toddler doesn't have claws.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Advice for American Idol Contestants.

I watched the first show (after the auditions), which was the 12 guys and it was pretty much a painful experience. Most of them were just pitiful. I was extremely irritated until the last guy.

Last night, I watched the 12 girls perform. It is so going to be a lady winning this year, the guys are pitiful in comparison. I just have a couple of words of advice, from the perspective of the audience.

Artists to avoid: Celine, Whitney and Mariah. It is rare that you can actually pull it off. It is just too much to live up to. Although one contestant actually did.

And, I am sorry, but unless you're a black chick (sorry if that is not PC) with pipes you can hear from the rafters, do not, under any circumstances, do Aretha. You just look ridiculous.

Friday, February 23, 2007

The rich get richer.

Let me just start off by saying I do not have an overdraft on my bank account. That being said, every single month, I get OD charges on my statement.

It's usually something like a cent or two, so I pretty much ignore it but its there every month. Then I started wondering how. Below is my bank statement for the last week or so.

Again, I don't have an overdraft so I can't actually withdraw or pay bills until the money is in the bank. And believe me, before those deposits go in, the balance is almost absolute zero.

Notice the two deposits, one is my paycheck and one is the pecker check.

This is the real time-line. February 20th, the pecker check goes in, I pick up a few things at the grocery store ($18.62), on the way home I withdraw $80.00. Later that day I withdraw $140 to pay the landlord. Leaving me a balance of $3.40.

Then two days later my paycheck goes in and I start paying bills. I know from experience, if I had tried to make a purchase of even $3.41, let alone $3.42 before that paycheck went in, my card would have been rejected. Remember I have no overdraft on this account.

Notice how the bank records these transactions, putting a couple of the withdrawals 'before' the deposit, which puts me into overdraft. Then promptly charges me OD fees.

It's just a penny here and there, but that is just in my case. If this bank does this to every single customer, you begin to understand how they make billions of dollars a year.

It looks like fraud to me and I have sent them an email asking them to explain themselves.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Your crazy, man!

Check out the Rick Mercer Report for this week.

Radmila will be especially interested in the Special Report video.

This guy is freakin' hilarious. When David Suzuki complained that he could freeze his nuts off, I almost pissed my pants.

Check out the archive videos too, you won't be disappointed.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The whole world is going crazy!

Power window kills 2-year-old - Who the hell leaves a two year old and a six year old in a running car. Long enough for the 6 year old to free the two year old and 'fall asleep'? Give me strength.

Nurse who groped woman in coma sentenced
The woman "has had long-lasting effects" from the assault, Fowler said.

Oh for Christ's sake, she was in a coma, he copped a feel. It was 3 seconds she wasn't even aware of. I think that last sentence has more to do with her inevitable law suit.

Woman gets 15 years for starving son
- how come we don't have public hangings anymore? Ah, the good old days. (Oh, and I am referring to the social workers in the story.)

4-legged duckling born in Britain - But the water is completely safe.

And this from a guy who is actually from Nova Scotia.
'Human' MacKay explains geography gaffe - Dude, your making us all look bad. As if your choice in bunk mates wasn't humiliating enough.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I get no respect.

This is what I bought the Boy for his birthday. It was what he really wanted. For those of you not in the know, this is a Dunlop CryBaby pedal. Also known as a Wha Wha pedal, as that is the sound it makes. It cost me the better part of 200 bucks. And he got it early, cuz he just had to have it.

Thanks Mom. That's it.

The Boy's Father, on the other hand, dragged his feet for a week after the Boy's birthday cuz, you know, the date snuck up on him. Not like he was fucking there or anything. Someone should have reminded him of his first-born's date of birth. I call and leave a message for him, maybe he has no idea what to buy him. I let him know that the Boy's monitor died, a new one would come in pretty handy.

THE BOY: "Mom, he just hasn't gotten paid yet. Give him a break." Bare in mind that TBF makes 4 times as much money as me.

Maybe he is planning something big? The Boy turns 16 after all. And TBF has 3 cars. See where my mind was going with that? I don't know, I must have had an aneurysm or something. TBF does not have a thoughtful bone in his body. The boy informs me that his father is looking at getting him a new monitor and a cell phone on his plan. (The boy already has a cell, but whatever, its his money.)

Anyway, a week late he picks up the Boy he says he is going to the city to shop. He apparently finally got paid. Later the boy comes home holding a mega-pack of socks. Ya, that is not a typo.

I give him the 'what the fuck' face. "Is that it?"


"Well thank God."

He reaches into his pocket and triumphantly holds up....a hundred bucks.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You couldn't find anything when you were shopping?"

"I didn't go. I was babysitting my brother."

I don't remember much of the conversation from there. You see, I lost my mind at that point since the Boy continued to defend him. Something he would never do for me.

The Boy, his Boy, his first born turns 16 and he gets a lousy 100 bucks and 6 pairs of socks from a man driving a 70,000 dollar truck (one of three vehicles he owns) with GPS and satellite radio. The man owns a steel fabrication shop, he builds bridges for fuck sakes. And he has the nerve to make his son babysit while he goes off and DOES NOT shop for him.

I know what you are thinking and I can't believe I slept with him either.

Monday, February 19, 2007

There is a special place in hell for thankless children.

-from 2002, repost for carnival.

My son calls me yesterday. Wants to know if I can get paid early? Someone at the skate park is selling his board for $30 and he wants it.

"You have a board."

"Mom! My board is crap, this one is worth $100 and he"s selling it cheap."

"I'll see what I can do"

Well I know how much he loves skateboarding and I get all mushy inside. I go ask the boss if I can get paid early, no easy task since I spent the better part of that morning in a screaming match with him. (it was a draw)

Now I leave work, check in hand, and head to my friends house to see if she can cash it for me since the banks are closed. Half way there I realize that I am nearly out of gas, running on fumes. If she can"t cash the check I am walking home.

Twenty minutes later I am on my way back to town, bank card in hand. I get the cash and call my son on his cell phone.

"Never mind Mom, the kid sold it to someone else. Later" Click.

GOOD GRIEF! Your welcome.

I am still sore from baseball last weekend, hobbling around, dragging my old bones home at last, its 6:15pm. I walk in the door, and I want to cry. I am by no stretch of the imagination an even mediocre housekeeper, but my son lost his mind today, and quite possibly his life when he gets home.

Before me lay clothes, papers and miscellaneous sporting equipment strewn in a path from the front door through the kitchen and living room all the way back to my bedroom. I can"t believe that that kid had the nerve to ask me for money.

One hour later my son comes rushing in, "Mom, can we put that $30 in the bank so we can save for a new board?" When he says "we" he means me. "Fine" I tell him, I"ll give you the $30, you clean the house."

That"s when he really lost his mind. He starts to rant and rave and go on. His head starts to spin and he starts spewing pea soup. (ok that isn"t exactly accurate, but pretty close)

"I have to do everything around here, I can"t clean the whole house, God, I am only 11."

My turn to lose my mind, "What all, exactly, do you do around here?"

He looks at me, "I take the garbage out to the basement and then to the curb." He is serious. He thinks he has won the argument.

"Ok, when you took the garbage to the curb last time, how many bags were there?"

He is not sure where I am going with this but he raises his eyes to the ceiling, thinking, counting on his fingers, "6 whole bags!" he says. He seriously believes that this is a huge number.

"Lets break this down. The garbage truck comes every two weeks, so in 14 days you have taken out 6 bags. So if you only took one bag out on any given day, you would have 8 days where you did nothing. Hmmm. If it takes you, say, 30 seconds to take the bag out of the house, and another 30 to take each bag from the basement to the curb. That"s a minute a bag. $30 for 6 bags, $5 per bag per minute?"

"Sounds right." He doesn"t really want to do the math, so he concedes.

"At $5 per minute, you want me to pay you $300 per hour. How do I get THAT job?!!!"

He is speechless now, and I am cleaning the house myself. I finally get to the end of the papers and I turn around, I can"t believe it, he has actually dropped his coat in the middle of the living room floor.

At that moment I understood how people, who were not wise to begin with, could kill their own children.

Calmly I look at him, "Just how long do you imagine I will consent to live this life? Where I go to work each day to a job I hate, so I can feed and clothe you and buy you skateboards when the whim takes you, getting nothing but shit on in return? Hmmm?"

I leave him to ponder this as I lock myself in the bathroom, just in case the urge to kill him truly takes hold of me.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Someone should alert Halmark.

This is a greeting card gold mine.
I wish I could give you that sunset.
I wish I could give you that rainbow.
I wish I could give you that wedding you always wanted.
Here's a Hershey bar.
Have some patience, please.
I'm only one fucking person.

Just realized I missed Valentine's Day.

How'd that work out for you?

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Stop me if you've heard this one.

(Thought I blogged about this before, but I did a search and I guess I never did.)

When the boy was about 6 or 7 he was a holy terror. He would push me to the brink. I totally understood why some people who weren't wired right to begin with, could kill their children.

Anyway. This one particular day, I remember he was like some sort of Chinese water torture, he would not stop no matter what I said, or how loud I screamed. I snapped.

I slammed out of the house and kicked in the door to the basement. I was routing around in there and was being pretty loud, the boy came out to investigate. Finally I emerged with a shovel. He looked worried. He demanded to know what I was doing. I ignored him and proceeded to survey the lawn. By that time I was calm. I had a purpose.

I walked back and forth with the shovel, testing the ground. Finally I found just the right spot. From his vantage point on the deck he had a perfect view of the spot I chose.

That's when I started to dig. He kept taunting me, "Hey crazy lady, what are you doing?"

After about 30 minutes I had a pretty good hole dug, about 4 feet long and 2 feet wide. (although not very deep, but you get the idea) Every so often, I would look up to where he was watching me as if I were measuring him.

He would not stop screaming at me, even then. Going on and on about whatever it was that he had been mad at me for to begin with.

Finally I was finished. I stuck the shovel in the ground, looked at the hole like I was satisfied and headed for the house.

I was heading for the house when he screamed, "What the hell is the hole for." (Yes, he was 6 and he said Hell. I am not kidding about the holy terror thing.)

As I passed him on the deck, I didn't even skip a beat. I just smiled at him and said, very calmly, "It's for you."

Not surprisingly, he was as good as gold the rest of that day. And I kept that hole for a long time. With this shovel stuck in the ground, and when he got really obnoxious, I would go outside and dig it a little deeper.

Friday, February 16, 2007

I am sorry, Sir. We cannot continue this conversation until you are wearing the tinfoil hat.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I just installed your product and someone hacked into my computer and added stuff to the disk."

"You mean the disk your product is on?"

"Ya, there are things on here that I don't recognize."

"On the actual CD?"

I make sure he has an actual retail copy of the software. He does.

"Sir, I can guarantee that no one has burned anything to that CD. It is impossible for anyone to do so. It is not a writable CD."

He ignores me. "Ya. I will read them to you, you can tell me if they are supposed to be there." There are over 6 thousand files on the CD with about 40 million lines of code. He thinks I should recognize every one of them.

I tried again. "Sir, there is absolutely no way that anyone can possibly burn anything to that CD. With or without your permission. It is just not possible."

"I know it sounds crazy."
You think? "Just let me read some of them to you." And he babbles on and on giving me names of files. "There are files on here that are definitely not from your company." And proceeds to name them.

"Dude, (I am losing patience)those are drivers. We put a lot of drivers on there from other companies."

"How can you be so sure."

"Ever plug something into your computer and the product says 'hey, you plugged something in, would you like me to install it for you?' It can do that because the drivers are on the CD."
Again, he ignores logic and continues on with his case.

"I bought this CD in August and some of these files say they were modified in February." He thinks he is on to something.

"2007? or 2006?"

"Ya, ok, its 2006. But I can see that the disk has been altered. It is all swirlly."
His word. "It looks like it has been burned, you know what I mean? But here's the thing." Big dramatic pause. "Its on the top not the bottom. You know, where the logo is."

Ya, they would have more luck burning that onto his forehead. It was on the tip of my tongue to say so but he probably would have run to the mirror to check.

The call goes on for an hour and a half. He is saying stuff like, this time when he installed it, it looks different from the last time. Colors are different, slightly faded. In the task manager some of the processes are in all caps now, before they were lower case. Who the fuck pays attention to that sort of shit? He is looking through permissions and for some reason someone called 'OWNER' has full control of all his files.

FUCK ME! This dude is as crazy as a bag of hammers.

There is no convincing this crayon. I gave him the number to get a replacement disk.

He'll be back.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Getting sea sick.

With 80 km/h winds, the house is rocking.

It is jiggling my monitor. I am getting sea sick.

And the lights are starting to flicker.

URGH! Might have to go to bed early.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Who's your friend?

I picked up the boy from his friends house the other week.It was 10:30pm and he had been there all day.

He got in the car and I almost choked. I could taste the cloud of body spray that surrounded him.

I start hacking and spitting, very dramatically. Opened the window and tried to hang out. He is looking at me very sheepishly.

"Dude, don't ever do this to me again."


I roll my eyes. "Do I have moron tattooed to my forehead?"


"You know that shit makes me sick...and I can still smell the pot."

I don't know why he thinks he can or has to hide it from me. We have had the discussion. I know he smokes pot. We talked at length about pot vs pills. I drilled it though his head that I will not tolerate pills of any kind. We talked about the fact that you just don't know what people are putting into the pills these days.

Back in my day, we knew exactly what was in everything. One of my friends brothers was in pharmacy school when we were in high school. He would make the shit for us. We never had to worry about what they were cutting it with. (I swear our actual conversation was more profound, but I am paraphrasing for time here)

Anyway, cut to today. I go to pick the boy up at the bus stop and he is not there. Not a big deal, sometimes he decides to go to a fiends after school, and he can't really call me. He usually messages me at work to tell me where he is.

Tonight I had no word. Great. I work myself into a migraine and leave work early. I walk in and the place is dark.

I open his door and he is lying in bed. He is awake, no tv, no computer. He is just lying there. I start to talk to him and he sounds like I woke him. I turn on the light. His eyes are completely bloodshot. I ask him how he got home, he says he walked.

"Why would you walk, your father lives in Who-ville. Why didn't you call him?" It's 15 below zero outside.

He says, "I had a dollar."

"What? Who the hell cares if you had a dollar."

"He does."
With that he points to something behind me. I start looking around, maybe he thinks his friend is here with him. There is nothing. It was like talking to someone who was still asleep.

Then he looks at me as if it is the first time he has seen me tonight and says, "What?"

Great, can't wait to find out, what the hell he was on.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 02-11-07

(Hits from search engines.)
baz and daves body building (England, London, United Kingdom)
how cold does it need to be to close school? (Ohio, Columbus, United States)
take name in vain (England, Southampton, United Kingdom)
double knot spy? (British Columbia, Vancouver, Canada)
he need to go back to british and be judge for british people (Texas, Plano, United States)
what are the origins of th saying by the skin of your teeth (England, London, United Kingdom)
i think therefore I am single (Alberta, Calgary, Canada)


Washington School Information Processing Cooperative (Washington, Seattle, United States)
Sodrel Truck Lines (Indiana, Clarksville, United States)
Defense Megacenter Huntsville (Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, United States)
Valley Stream Central High School (Connecticut, Stratford, United States)
Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (Massachusetts, Cambridge, United States)
University Medical Center (Texas, Plano, United States)

And I thought this was interesting:

California, Grass Valley, United States
No referring link

Monday, February 12, 2007

I am old, but I am not dead.

A post on Rad's site reminded me of a story.

Picture it, Sicily...

All us old hens are sitting around, shooting the shit. A door opens up and a bunch of people stream out. One of the prettiest boys I have ever seen catches my eye.

He is very young. No really. I mean, he is obviously old enough to work here, but he is very young. I feel lecherous, just looking at him but I can't let him walk by without comment.

"Ah, if I were only 10 years younger." The girls look at me, waiting. "Well, I would still be a pedophile. Only, you know, 10 years younger." Look of shock.

"So I would be out of jail by now. With the ability to say I totally tapped that."

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I promise, I will stop. Eventually.

The Boy is a little OCD over the guitar playing. He will play a song night and day until he thinks he has it right. Then after I have suffered through all that, he refuses to play for anyone who comes into the house. They probably think he can't play a note.

Thankfully, he has learned to record himself. Which means you don't have to just take my word for it anymore, you can hear him play.

I am so lame that when I heard this, I thought it was the James Bond theme.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I choose to believe its because he loves his mom.

The Boy knows I love the intro to this certain song. The first time I heard it, it stopped me in my tracks. You know the kind of song I am talking about. It is haunting. I don't even know if there are any lyrics, but the intro grabs me.

I don't really care for the rest of the song, just the intro, so he recorded himself playing it. Probably so I would stop asking him to play it every time someone came into the house,

"Play the one that makes me sad." (I never knew, or cared to know the name of it.)

So, here he is playing the song for me. If you know the song (without peeking) then you are both old and a metal head.

And since I realized only recently that blogger will host my pictures, I will be saving all my ISP provided space for his music.

Yes, there will be more. I am 'that' mother.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Don't blame her.

Her family insisted that she could sing, they put her in the choir in church. They convinced her to go on American idol. And she believed them. Her Mama would not lie to her.

They are evil people, they are fucking with her.

Her first clue should have been the sign they insisted on bringing.


But in her defense, this is the gene pool she came from. You can't expect her to be an Olympic class swimmer.

HER MAMA: "He need to go back...where he from, French?"

RYAN: "He's British."

HER MAMA: "He need to go back to British and be judge for British people."

What is the real story?

Ok, it was a tragedy, but it begs the question.

What is an 85 year old woman doing driving in the first place?

I mean, come on.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007


Is it more irritating to call a company and get a recording that they are closed, or wait on hold for 10 minutes to get a real person on the phone to tell you they are closed?

Bombay Saddles.

It doesn't take much to crack me up at 3am.

Spielberg, I ain't.

Monday, February 5, 2007

More time than brains.

These are my Pepsi nails.
As you can see, I am a big fan.

My garbage man knows the extent
of my love for Pepsi.

And so do my thighs.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 02-04-07

What you searched for and where you're from.

-coimbra (Zuid-holland, The Hague, Netherlands)
-Does saying Oh My God when talking is it using his name in vain (From Search -Arizona, Tucson, United States) I made the first page for that one.
-Barnyard Otis (Australian Capital Territory, Canberra, Australia)
-hanes (Virginia, Herndon)
-close school temperature -10 degrees(Bolingbrook, Illinois)
-salem nh school district (Rockland, Mass.)
-double knot spy?(British Columbia, Vancouver, Canada)
-hairline scratch (Turkey)


-Gerdau Ameristeel (Florida, Tampa, United States)
-Harrison Gypsum Company (Oklahoma, Norman, United States)
-Government Of The Province Of Ontario (Ontario, Toronto, Canada)
-Weber State University (Utah, Ogden, United States)
-Chedoke-mcmaster Hospitals (Ontario, Hamilton, Canada) Hi, Jack's sister!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Finally, I've been on hold for you people for over an hour." It is on the tip of my tongue to say 'that's a lie' because I was sitting available for 5 minutes before the phone rang. And I love it when they say 'you people'.

I let it go. "I am sorry for that, how can I help you?"

"I don't know why you people make things so fuckin' difficult for people to use your software."
Again with the 'you people', do they realize how rude they are being?

I bite my tongue."What seems to be the problem." Translation: Can we get on with it?

"I am entering my product key and it says it is invalid. I paid good money for this and you give me an invalid key?"

I ask him what he is installing, he replies Product A. I ask him to read what it has written above the key he is using and it says Product B.

"That won't work, you need the key for Product A."

"Why won't this one work."

"It's a key, it opens the software. It's like trying to start your car with your cat."

"Well I don't have any other key."

"Let's take a look at the CD for Product A."

"There is no key on it."

"I know, just read everything it says on the face of the CD."

"What are you looking for?"

"Everything, top to bottom, left to right."
He gives a big sigh, like I am wasting his time.

"For re installation of software pre-installed on your PC, the manufacturer has removed the Certificate of Authenticity containing the product key from this package and has placed it on your PC..." he continues to read like he has no comprehension of what he has just read.

I interrupt him, "Ok?"

"Ok, what?"

"You want to read that again?"
He starts complaining, like he thinks I wasn't paying attention. He grudgingly reads it again slower, you know, so I can understand. And apparently this works for him, sort of.

"So they took the key off."

"And placed it where?"

His brain just caught up. However, his manners did not improve. "You could have made the directions easier to follow, would have saved me an hour on hold." How much more simpler does it need to be?

This guy is the reason there needs to be directions on shampoo.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

16 years ago today.

The Boy turns 16 today. These pictures always make me sad. He was the cutest thing.

Especially the bottom left corner photo. That was when he was at his sweetest. That is when he would dance with me to our song, and tell me that I looked beautiful and that I was the best mother. ~~SIGH!~~

My sister said something interesting. She said that I would be sorry when he was gone. Not that he was gone, but that I would get absolutely no credit or thanks for any of it.


This is my little prodigy playing, on both tracks.(well as much of it as my ISP would allow, stupid quota!)

I realize I will be lucky to get an honorable mention. Me and the guy who supplied the glue.(long story, but The Boy will get it)

Happy Birthday, Buddy.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Theft vs Frostbite.

If you were to drive around our town you would find at least a dozen cars, parked in front of various establishments with the engines running and no one inside them.

On really cold days like today (-17°C, -25°C with the wind chill - holy shit!), it would be tough to find one establishment that didn't have a car out front with the engine running.

This is yet another reason why I am glad I live in a small(er) town.

People will weigh the threat of grand theft auto against the possibility of getting back into a cold car and a warm butt wins.

Every single time.

Here is the weird part. Check with those same people in the summertime? And their cars are locked up tighter than Alcatraz. Absolutely no logic behind it. Although you really don't hear a lot about cars being stolen in the winter, I guess it's a seasonal thing.

After all, if you are stealing a car (I would assume) it means you don't have one. And when its this cold, there ain't many walkers 'oot and aboot'.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Ez Baz Bah!

You would not believe how many times a night I hear, "Thank God I didn't get India. I can't understand a word they say."

And when faced with the possibility that they may have to call back in, they always ask if there is a way they can get Canada instead of India.

Here's the thing, kids. Just because the guy on the phone 'sounds' like he is in India? That does not mean he is actually 'in' India. (people use 'in India' as a blanket term to describe anyone with a certain accent) If I went around and counted, I could probably find more than 50 people from India, Bangladesh, Pakistan or various other places right here in this building.

Take for instance this little guy sitting next to me one night. I really felt for him, although that did not stop me from laughing my ass off at his predicament. (I am so going staight to hell)

His conversation went something like this.

"Oo key, when you say da scren come up bress ez baz bah and you well say..." You can tell the customer missed that and asks him to repeat it. He does, several times, trying different inflections. "Ez baz bah, ez baz bah, ez baz bah" He repeats this at least 10 times.

Now, I have sat next to this guy for a week and even I cannot figure out what the hell he is saying.

I guess he figured that maybe the customer could not hear him, he raises the volume. "EZ BAZ BAH! EZ BAZ BAH! EZ BAZ BAAAAAHHHHH!" He is screaming.

That is when it hits me and I lose it. Dude, it isn't that they can't hear you, its that they have no idea what you are saying. I am trying not to laugh, I turn my back to him and my whole body is shaking. The Lord looks at me trying to get me to tell him what I am trying so hard not to laugh at.

Someone should tell that boy that 'space' is just one syllable and that 'bar' has an R in it.