Saturday, December 27, 2003

Heavy sigh!

Well Christmas is over and all I can say is.....

Thank Fuck!

I am so glad that all of that shit is finally over. I think maybe I never quite got into the mood this year. It may have been the fact that we had no snow for Christmas. Christmas Eve it was about 15 degrees here. (That's around 55 for the Yanks in the crowd) We sat outside and ate chili, coats were optional.

I think for a person to truly get in the mood there must at least be some snow on the ground. Otherwise it is just depressing. I guess when you are not used to having snow it is different. But to me, Christmas will always be white.

Thursday, December 25, 2003


Santa was good to at least one of us. Does he look pleased?

Actually we both made out like bandits. It was a good one.

Now I just threw the bird (as an afterthought) into the oven so in a couple of hours we might even eat.

Last night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� we had a ball. We filled one of the cubes with cookies and candies. I brought my discman and a set of tiny speakers and we had music. And our "fireman" Chris, brought (what else?) chili. We had a great time.

At midnight we broke open the crackers.

It still amazes me that there is a whole generation out there that has no idea what they are. We sat around wearing silly hats and playing with the cheezy prizes.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

There she blows!

In case anyone is interested in how the whole tree thing turned out, here are some pics (without the commentary, it's 5am here.)

Monday, December 22, 2003

And the jack came back ther very next day.

Came into work last night and the place was a buzz. Jack had been back, making the rounds through customer service.

Someone managed to get his phone number out of him and brought up his "case". And what a case it is. He has a rap sheet as long as your arm. He's been calling on and off for a year. He was graced at one point and his issue resolved. Now he figures since we did it before we should do it again.

You are so wrong, Jack.

Jack has made it on the watch list. We love the watch list. We can have fun with people on the watch list. We don't have to be nice to them, we just transfer him to security where they inform him that if he does not cease and desist that legal action will be taken against him.

Congradulations, Jack. And you have a Merry Christmas.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Holiday fun at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

Now that I am in the Pro section of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� I no longer deal with the redneck morons of the general public but inevitably a few stragglers get through. I believe these people get through purely for my amusement, and for that I send out a big thank you.

The Pro section of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� is open 24x7, but consumer is closed at 7pm our time on the weekends. However, some people ignore this and call the Pro line. Last night �Jack� got through at around 9:30pm. There are only 6 of us on duty at this time of day and as luck would have it, it was 3 girls and 3 guys.

Mellissa gets �Jack�, Jack says, �I was looking for a man.� CLICK

Okey dokey.

Jeff takes his last call, its Jack. Jack has Product 98. (obsolete but you can still pay to get support till the first of the year, at that point you are shit out of luck) Jack did not enjoy hearing this. He further did not enjoy the fact that in the event he was willing to part with $35 that no one would help him, cuz the consumer tech support is closed. Much screaming from Jack and several patient �Keep this professional.� sir�s from Jeff later and even Jeff had had enough and hooked him.

Now there is jovial discussion about �Jack�, Mellissa says �When he said he wanted a man, I wanted to say I�m sorry sir this is Undisclosed Customer Service Center� we don�t provide that sort of service.� Good one.

We have had people like �Jack� before, and they inevitably call back, over and over. Full of righteous indignation demanding satisfaction. We all joke about who gets him next. I suggest the �men� log off the phone so he is forced to get one of the girls. Too late, Marc gets �Jack�.

Marc tries to explain, that there is no way we can transfer him even if we wanted to, the techs for that product have gone home. Jack is taking some sort of a seizure at this point and Marc is forced to hook him.

Craig is next, he at least gets his name out before Jack begins his tirade. Jack must have complained about the woman he got first and that he was glad at least Craig was a man. Craig informs him that he had a 50-50 chance of getting a woman since there was an equal amount of men and women on duty. But no matter, there was nothing anyone could do for him because he had called the Pro line Then he must have said that he would pay for professional support. To which Criag informed him the fee was $245, I think Jack swallowed his tongue because the line went dead.

I am giddy at this point because I am next in line. I love this shit. The phone rings, �Hello Jack� I am ready for him. I was waiting for him to comment on the fact that I was a woman because I was going to use Mellisa�s line. But all Jack wanted to do was complain about the men. �The let me waste my breath for 10 minutes telling them my problem, then they interrupt me to tell me they can�t help me.� Jack wouldn�t let them (or me) get a word in edgewise. And I tried repeatedly to interrupt him (cuz I know he loves it) but all he got was more irritated. So I decide to just talk over him. This puts Jack into an even better mood. I can barely keep from laughing in his ear.

In my best sing-song, children's tv show voice I say,�Well, Jack. Unfortunately, as you know, I am going to have to tell you that I can�t help you either. You were given your support options, there is nothing I can do. �

�You are very rude, Evel. I hope you burn in hell.�

�Well, thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, Jack and I will see you there.�

Do you believe he hung up on me?

Friday, December 19, 2003

For the love of God, people!

Use your freakin' head. You DID NOT inherit an oil company. Nigerian diplomats do not need you to filter money out of the country. If you fail to send that stupid chain letter you will NOT self destruct. DOES NOT send out viruses. The check is NOT in the mail, and YES you CAN get pregnant if you "do it" standing up.

You know that old addage? If it sounds too good to be true, then it is? There is a good reason that one has been around so long.


But then again, another one has been around just as long. There is a sucker born every minute. And aparently those suckers are born in litters.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Now THAT is a tree!

As per usual I have gone completely overboard with the Christmas tree. I would post a picture, but my camera is on loan. I will have to paint a mental picture for you. In my living room I have 10ft ceilings. There is also an alcove about two feet deep and 5ft across. Much like a bay window, only angular. This is where I put my Christmas tree. Usually it takes up about two thirds of the space.

The boy and I decided to get our tree after the hockey game tonight, in which he (of course) got a goal. [Insert motherly pride here](this is also accompanied by a smug look, an unfortunate side effect) We pass by one lot that is closed. WTF? Ten minutes past 7 and they pack it in? So now we have to truck to the other side of town. I say 'truck' but that doesn't paint the right picture. A sane person would have taken a truck, but not I.

We arrive at the site and as we step out, all you can smell is fir tree, (mmmm Christmas) I immediately spy this glorious tree. As I get closer, however, the tree gets bigger. Undaunted, I stand in front of it and I am in love. "How big is this one?" (Please don't be too big.)

"That one is 10 feet." The boy raises an eyebrow and starts to look elsewhere. I am still standing in front of the tree. It was the most beautifully shaped, full, symmetrical, wondrous tree. It was also 50 bucks. That price received a snort from the boy.

"But it's only once a year." I tell him. But in his mind, that is 50 bucks I won't be spending on him. He shakes his head.

"It's not gonna fit."

"I can make it fit." Now he has ruined it for me. "Ok, lets look at some other ones." But as we browse through the Charlie Brown section they all come up wanting. All of them are downright puny next to "THE' tree.

The little devil on my shoulder says, "You want that tree, and aren't you the boss? If you want it, take it, we will cram it into that space if we have to." Then from the left shoulder, "For Christ's sake, that trunk is NOT going to fit in your stand. And why would you need to hack that tree up to make it fit, why not just get a tree that does fit?"

Damn! The voice of reason. I hate that bitch. So, I start looking at tree trunks. Not the trees, just the trunks. I figure, why get my heart set on a tree if the snotty bitch on the left is just going to bitch and moan that it's just not possible.

Then I see it, the perfect size trunk. The boy has seen it too. "Stand that one up, how tall is it?"

"9 feet, but I can cut some off the bottom." Ok, I have 10ft ceilings, cut some off the bottom, allow for the stand. Perfect!

Now you think the bitch on my shoulder would settle for that, but noooooo! The man is dragging it over to the bailer. "Your never going to fit that in the car you know." Shut up bitch! The guy can barely get it through the bailer, says he may not be able to bail it at all.

"If you can't bail it, I can't take it." I say. He tries harder, and with much grunting and groaning and some help from his buddy, it is bailed into a somewhat manageable package.

Then he turns to me, "Where do you want it?" I turn to look over at my car. Did he groan? He did.

I am NOT giving up on this tree, "It will fit."

"No it wont", says the bitch.

"Yes, it will."

After more grunting and groaning and miles of bailers twine the tree is (sort of) in the trunk. I pay him and as he comes back with my change he is also (to my embarassment) carrying an orange flag to tie on the end that is sticking about 6 feet out from behind the car. He looks me square in the eye, "Do not go on the highway."

I get into the car, "See, I told you it would fit." The boy just rolls his eyes.

As we near our destination the bitch is back. "Nice work Einstein, who the hell is going to drag that monstrosity into the house?" FUCK! That would be me. "And did we forget about the cats? They are going to have a great time climbing that redwood."

Fade to 11:45pm. I have just sat down to write this. It has taken me the better part of 5 hours to wrestle the tree from the trunk, up the stairs, through three doorways, around two corner (not easy) until finally the tree is standing. Still in its binding it just kisses the ceiling. A little off the top and Santa will have that tree up his butt and it will be perfect.

As I get to the half way point of cutting away the binding, I hear Chevy Chase's voice in my head. "I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree!" And the fuckin' thing let go! I nearly fell off the chair I was standing on. I was so busy worrying about how tall it was, I never even considered that it would be this wide. It completely fills the space. But Holy Shit! It is beautiful.

Then the cats stroll by. Another half hour to secure it with bailers twine in three places. That sucker is NOT going anywhere. Hell, I could climb it. Of course, now I am too whipped to decorate it. It is just going to have to stay in its natural wonder for a couple days.

I can live with that.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003


Not sure what happened to the blog. I honestly did nothing but all of a sudden I have these teeny tiny fonts. Hmmm.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Its a dirty job...but someone has to do it.

Well, having a little trouble with the email since switching back to high speed internet. So, since Aliant has a new thing called Net Assistant. I thought I would give it a hook.

Its supposed to be like a chat.

Aliant Internet Member Services 08:50:26 Dec 16 2003
Your service request has been recieved and will be queued shortly.

Aliant Internet Member Services 08:50:34 Dec 16 2003
Your request has been received by the Aliant Internet Member Services, and has been put in the ConsumerEnglish queue until a Technical Support Agent is available. our hours of Operation are from 8am to 10pm, 7 days a week. If you are looking for support after hours please call the helpdesk at###-###_#### or visit our website.

Ok, so I have a bit of time, lets see....aparently just sit and wait. Then after a bit, I get this message.

Aliant Internet Member Services 09:43:45 Dec 16 2003
Your trouble report has been assigned to Technical Support Agent Peter S.

Great! Now we are getting somewhere. This is too cool.

Aliant Internet Member Services 09:43:46 Dec 16 2003
The Technical Support Agent has requested to close this incident.

WTF? Exactly a second after he was "assigned" the report, he asked to have it closed. So basically this Net Assistant is really just an assistant to the techs, to keep us from calling them by phone. Nice work. If you can get it.

Monday, December 15, 2003

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Thought I would cheer the place up a bit. Seeing as how I can't seem to find the time to decorate my house. I started (again) tonight to do it, but so far I have one pitiful string of lights up.

I thought I would get more done, but when you are a junkie, it is tough to get yourself moving.

Oh, didn't I mention my new addiction?

Hmmm...lets just say, if anyone asks you if you want to try The Sims? Run, don't walk, as fast as you can in the other direction. It is completely addictive. I have been up till 5am most nights since I got the fuckin' thing. And I keep forgetting to teach my guy how to cook and he ends up burning his kitchen down, with him in it. Then the wife comes home from work to find a pile of ash in the kitchen and that is the end of her, she is inconsolable, she won't eat, she won't go to work, stuff starts getting reposessed. It is an ugly scene.

Just say no to the Sims. No good can come of it.

On a lighter note, I am finished with the overtime and feeling great. Can't wait to see the paycheck, maybe will even let me keep some of it.

We'll see.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

HELLO? Is this thing on?

Spending my days working my fingers to the bone. Ok, so it's not manual labour but it is cutting into my blogging and sleeping time. I am trying to get as much overtime in as humanly possible before Christmas. Thankfully, tonight is the last night of OT for the next paycheck so I can relax.

Pro has been great. I absolutely love it. It's sort of like sitting around socializing with your friends and every now and then you take a call. You would think the time goes by slow, but it doesn't because everyone is in the same boat.

The only down side is that the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� has forbid us from surfing the net or using instant messaging. This is because a few morons have abused the privilage by downloading games and installing Kazaa on the server, thus causing viruses to invade. Assholes! So the rest of us that were using adults, have to suffer.

Another thing that is sticking in my craw is PA's. These are Performance Assessments. You get one every 6 months and they more or less determine your raise. One thing that I am told effects it is volunteering for extra duties. Walking the floor to help out newbies, station checks and mentoring. There is one problem. You can volunteer, but the same handfull of people seem to get these jobs. WTF?

You bring it up to your team manager, "How do I get those cushy jobs?"

"Oh, just ask me."

"HELLO! What the hell do you think I am doing?" DUH!

For the past three days, it has been the same 3 people walking the floors. One of them I have never met, so I don't have an opinion on (hey, it happens), The second one has been off sick for a few weeks, and I don't think she has taken a call since she has been back. Nice girl, but while we are all working our asses off, doing OT what reward do we get? Dick all, that's what. The third is a man that on the few occasions that I have called and got him on the mentor line has given me the wrong information. So, basically its the blind leading the blind. But hey, he looks good and that's the main thing I guess.

The thing is, they (management) don't realize that they are causing a lot of grumbling on the floor. And when employees aren't happy? Customers don't get good service. They want us to go that extra mile, but with not so much as a nod from them.

So, I am done being suttle. (no really, I can be, don't laugh) I think I will take someone aside and see what I can accomplish on the QT.

Hey, it worked during training didn't it?

Sunday, December 7, 2003

Rumours of my death have been greatly exagerated.

Long time no post.

Stop screaming....I am still alive. Just got the internet disconnected. They have this annoying habit of wanting payment. Rotten bastards!

Oh well we should be back up and running on Monday.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

The Last of the Mohicans

Just walked by the gerbil cage and threw in some food, like I do every night. I started to walk away.....wait a minute?

They didn't move. Bad sign. SHIT! I take off the top and sure enough.....both are dead.

Gumby & Pokey

I guess it was true, that they only live 3 years or so. (these ones lived for 4) The 'boy' may be a little upset. At one point in our gerbil ownership we were up to 23 gerbils (the breeding was very hard to control) and Gumby and Pokey were the last of the lot. Even with the short life span, (or because of it) I recommend them highly as a pet.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

His biggest fan.

When my son sits down to play his guitar, Oscar always wants to curl up beside him to listen. He is his biggest fan.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

It's a good thing.

If good things come in three's then I should go get myself a lottery ticket.

Not only did I pass my training, but my son found out tonight that he is Captain of his hockey team.

He had a shit eatin' grin on his face the whole way home.

Then again, he has reason to be proud. We didn't even know if he could play this year.

He broke his foot just before the beginning of the season so it was iffy whether he would be able to play at all. Then there weren't enough kids for a team at our rink, so the kids that did sign up had to be split and play for other towns. By the time we knew he could play it was a chore to find him a team to play on. Then there was the other snaffoo, his asshole father wouldn't pay for it.

I know, I know, I can't believe I slept with him either.

My little brother (the hockey freak) thought that that was just wrong, so he paid his registration fee and my other brother bought him new skates. Now my son is Captain of the Thorburn Golden Hawks - Pee Wee B team.

Do I sound proud?

Say "Hello" to Ms ProCSR.

Well Evel passed her training. Everyone in the class did, except for one.

Remember the stick figure that said, "Ya Evel."? That's the one.

Karma, Man, its all about the Karma.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Short Attention Span Theatre 2003

Don't think I have lost my mind because of the look of the is currently under construction.

You know me....short attention span.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Time well wasted.

I am calm today. Second night of training went a little better than the first.

I mentioned to someone in the smoking area that I was nervous about the class and why. He told his sister (who is a team manager) who told the Manager of Operations. The teacher comes into class and says,

�If you have any concerns, please don�t go to TM or MO, just ask me. If I don�t know the answer I will ask someone.� Excuse me�.but that was my concern. Then a little blonde stick figure child in the corner says, "Ya Evel!" You know the one? Young, rail thin. The bitch that eats like a pig and "can never seem to gain any weight." I sent her a look that would curl your toes.

Next thing ya know, the MO is in the classroom asking if we have any questions. I let him go for a bit answering questions about vacation time and scheduling, then I asked if it would be possible for him to send some people in that have actually worked the job to answer questions. He said, �That�s a great idea.�

Ya think?

So now I am just reading the book and trying to work the tools with the hopes that I can have someone answer all my questions in the end. Sort of like a correspondence course. I have talked to some people on the floor and they said just read the book get comfortable with the look of the tool and what everything does and they will teach me how to work it in a day. Hey, works for me.

So I decide to see if I can create a contract without looking at the book, just going along with the tool seeing if there was some sort of common sense I could apply to the whole thing. Well I got so far and was stuck at one point. Should I ask her?

What the hey.

She says, �Where in the book are you stuck?� I tell her I am not using the book, she says �I don�t know, I have to follow the book.� Okey Dokey!

Towards the end of class we finally start to understand how to work the tool and she says, �Now that you can do that I can tell you that there is a new tool that you will be really using that makes all of that simple.� WTF?

Second day wasted. Lord help me.

And another thing...

The song of the day today will be Pink Floyd -- Wish You Were Here. My son is currently learning the guitar solo.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Those who can't?.....teach.

Well, that was a painful experience. With an entire day of training under my belt, I can safely say I am more confused than before I went in.

Firt of all, the trainer we have has never actually worked in pro. This we discovered after half the shift was over. I clued in after the 4th time she left the room to ask a question.

Basically she was reading the textbook. When I asked her, "So, what does that mean?"

She looked up and said, "Well, I don't know." Doesn't really inspire confidence. I could have read the textbook myself. I need input. Towards the end of the evening I asked another question,

"So, how much of that do we need to remember in order to do our jobs?"

"Well, you don't really need to know any of that, the customers will never ask you, and your tools will tell you anything you need to say or do."

Okey Dokey......what exactly am I doing here then?

She is a really nice person, but I think if you are going to teach the class, you should have at least done the job before. Practical experience would have been an asset. I am really worried now whether I will be able to do this job. I guess I will just have to bug the other ProCSR's for instruction when I hit the floor.

I hope at least the tools are not too different from what I am used to. Otherwise I am screwed.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Give it to Mikey, he hates everything.

Ok, you have no doubt been annoyed with the music on this page. I thought it was cool.....the first half dozen times I opened the page, after that, I too was annoyed, and there wasn�t much control over the music selection. I was at the mercy of the music site I was linked to and the taste of the webmaster. So I decide that instead of getting rid of it all together I would give you (and me, most importantly me) the choice on whether to hear the music or not.

Every few days (or when I think of it) I will change the music. Over on the left you will see Play background music.

Now this music will be from my own personal collection which is not for everyone. I like ALL music, so you could one day listen to Frank Zappa and the next be listening to Andrea Bocelli. My taste in music is in direct connection to the actual talent of the individual or group performing it. It's called appreciation. Even though you many not enjoy can appreciate the talent of the performer. Look at it (or hear it rather) objectively. Consider the absolute control a person with operatic training has over their voice. The right tenor singing in Italian can make your toes curl.

When I change the music I will put a link to the performers page, if you like what you hear you can get more info.

For my first selection Ladies and Gentlemen, (that was my Lawrence Welk impression) it will be Stary Stary Night, Josh Groban.

That�s me trying to cram a little culture down your throat. Give it a chance.

Well I am off to take a shower, it is my first day of training for ProCSR, wish me luck.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Told ya so!

A lot has happened in a short time. My mother is now in the hospital, they are going to get her lithium levels straight whether she likes it or not. She should be in there for the next two weeks.

Again I get to say �I told you so.� You would think I would get used to it, but after a while, it gets really old. Why can�t people just get it through their thick skulls that I am always right? I am not exaggerating��.I say it ALL the time.
I am thinking of incorporating the �I told ya so� dance from Will & Grace. Hey, it might be obnoxious but I would be entertained, and isn�t that the main thing? Well isn't it?

I haven�t had the chance to go and see her yet, I have been working a lot of overtime. I tried to go today before work but just before I pulled into the �pay� parking I realized I didn�t have my wallet. I could have gone in but I didn't� have the ransom money to get myself out of the parking lot afterwards. Oh well. My mother has 6 children, she will just have to make do with the other 5.

And another thing...

I was asked to go ProCSR today, and even though I have been asked before, today I said yes. This is a good news/bad news sort of thing.

The good news is, I will be only dealing with professionals. Businesses with professional support contracts with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. People who actually know what right click the mouse means. They already know that they have to pay and how much. They are educated people who do not think that Martians are controling them or that that thing that pops out of the front of the computer is a cup holder.

The bad new is, I will be only dealing with professionals. Businesses with professional support contracts with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. People who actually know what right click the mouse means. They already know that they have to pay and how much. They are educated people who do not think that Martians are controling them or that that thing that pops out of the front of the computer is a cup holder.

This could get boring. For me and for you. There is however a silver lining. I am told I can still do my overtime shifts in Personal customer service. So we can still get our nut bar fix.

Anyway, I start training on Monday. That means an entire week off the phones.(another tic on the plus side.) We�ll see how it goes.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

God Bless America.

Ok, loyal reader. It�s been a bit since I have updated this thing, but I suppose I am not as bad as some people (Laurie).

The vacation went well, uneventful. I was pretty much holed up in the house the whole time. And no, I did not take the opportunity to clean my house. I did have a couple false starts where I actually started to do it, but I snapped out of it.

So, I am all set to go back to work on Monday. Problem was, I was scheduled to go back on Sunday. Lucky for me I ,for some bazaar reason known only to my subconscious, asked someone that was working on Saturday to check my schedule.

I have to tell you that when I took that first call on Sunday, I was noticeably chipper. Even when someone (with stolen software) told me that I was a worthless piece of shit and that I should be thanking him for fighting for my freedom (he was overseas somewhere). To which I replied cheerfully that I was in Canada. He just about lost his mind. �Well, that explains it then doesn�t it.�

Does it? I didn�t ask him to clarify that, I just told him that if he wanted to purchase some legitimate software that I would be more than happy to help him. He was ranting at this time, and I was thinking how secure I would feel as an American citizen to know that this guy was over there (wherever the hell that is) representing the country. Now that is not to say that I believe that �that guy� represents the whole of the American public, but he does represent the vast majority that I come in contact with at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

I don�t know who coined the phrase, Ugly Americans but I am pretty sure they worked in customer service.

And another thing...

For those junkies out there that need your fix, here is a beaute that I got on Monday.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah�

This woman is freaking out, talking a mile a minute, ranting and raving. About how we sent her this computer and she installed the software and nothing was working. She wouldn�t let me get a word in edgewise. Finally I picked out of her fit the words Product 95. --Whoa�..obviously obsolete product alert.--

�Hold on, Mamme? Did you say Product95?�

�Yes, I installed it and nothing is working only a blank screen! I just got this computer today and it was fine till I installed the software.� It is always fun when they say this, not sure what fine was without software running on the computer, but you bite your tongue because stating the obvious to these turnips only causes more grief.

�Let me see if I understand, you received this computer today? From who?�


�The software? Or the Computer.?�

�Ah, Mamme, we don�t make computers, only software. And we don�t make Product95 anymore, it is completely obsolete. Are you sure its Product95?�
She reads the disc, and yes it is.


I couldn�t stop myself, �No, we didn�t.� She lost her mind, I think if anyone else was in the room with her she would be carted away to a nut house somewhere, she was freaking that much.

Ok, trying to calm her down I asked her to describe the computer to me, trying to find our exactly who �sent� it to her.

�The only words I can see printed on this thing is IBM.�

Lord love a duck! �Ok, Mamme, that computer is an IBM, IBM sent it to you. I am not sure why they would send Product95 with it, but lets see what we can find out.�



Okey dokey, I'll get right on that.

I often wish I could be a fly on the wall when they come to the realization that they were stunned enough to call the wrong number and act like a moron. But hey, if they weren't morons, I would be out of a job.

God Bless America.

Friday, November 7, 2003

Ya sure, it could happen.

Posted at Pickle Juice are halarious horoscopes. Go on over and check yours out.

Here is mine, and I am soooo sure it is soooo true.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a SOB. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Could be worse, it could have said some crap about my moon being in Jupiter. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I didn't even know I had a moon, and is it 'THE' moon or just 'A' moon? And if its 'THE' moon, then I want them to get back up there and rake the lawn and clean up the picnic area. Fuckin' tourists!

Do people really take this shit seriously? I mean really? Are you telling me that every single person on the planet that was born between October 23 and November 21 is having the exact same kind of day as me? PUL-LEASE! Come on people, think about it.

Thursday, November 6, 2003

A long boring story�.you were warned.

My mother suffers from manic depression. Totally treatable and manageable. As long as you keep yourself on an even keel. My mother also has high blood pressure, thyroid disease, diabetes and Parkinson's. Needless to say, getting her medication to sync with the lithium was quite a challenge but we had finally gotten a handle on it, we were even to the point where she was no longer shaking.

Part of the treatment of manic depression is the elimination of stress, so over the years I have slowly taken over her finances. I would pay her bills and take her shopping. I never told her when her finances were low and if she ran out of money I would just make some lame excuse for why I couldn�t bring her any cash. �The bank machine was out of order. �I left my wallet at work� things like that, then I would just give her cash from my pay check. I never told her how much her groceries came to, and if she insisted on knowing, I would tell her $100 less than what they really were. Things like this were small, but kept the stress levels down. How well you respond to lithium treatment depends on emotional and social factors in addition to physical ones, and lithium is the key to keeping her from going manic.

Well she became so stress free that she thought that she could do it all by herself. I put her off for a while and thought I could figure out a way for her to do this without stress, I was working on having her bills come automatically out of the bank, have a cap put on cash withdrawals, that sort of thing. I was hoping that she would just forget about it. But apparently the only thing that she did forget about was the wigging out she used to do. And stress is a funny thing, even when you are doing something you think you want, the fact that you are doing it all by yourself is stressful.

Anyway, apparently she has been voicing her desire to be independent to my brother. The one that comes by to see her once a month even though he drives by her house everyday. So he decides to encourage her (with, no doubt, the help of my other two brothers, the ones that swing by once a year to see their mother). �She�s doing so well.� not even taking into consideration why she was doing so well. Well I just freaked when I heard that he was taking her to the bank to get a new bank card. WTF is wrong with this guy. I marched over to my mothers and said, �If he thinks he can take over, more power to him.� gave her the bank card and walked out.

That was three weeks ago. So far she has bought out a couple of stores, taxi�ed all over town, and lost her bank card. Which was a blessing, I figured at least she wouldn�t spend all her money now that the bank card was gone. Wrong, I find out that she is borrowing money all over town.

And to cap it all off? She is totally flipped her wig. She is all over the place, talking a mile a minute, babbling about things that happened 20 years ago, one minute singing the next minute mad as hell all the while shaking from the Parkinson�s. Not sleeping, moving furniture at 3 in the morning and knocking on peoples doors at 7am. There she is, Miss Independent.

I am over there the other day and she is talking to my brother on the phone. Then she hands the phone to me, �He wants to talk to you.�

My brother: �What are we going to do with her?�

�We?� Oh no, he did NOT say we.

�We�ll talk later�, Oh most definitely!

Well when I got home I couldn�t wait, I fire off this email.

Subject: THANKS!

I just wanted to thank you boys for undoing what it took years to do. Your mother now has her "independence" and all that entails. Unfortunately what that entails is stress. And for a manic depressive*** that means your mother is now completely manic. You might want to call and get yourself a progress report. And add to the "manic" she has now (after just a few weeks) started shaking again from the Parkinson. Her medication is a balance, and it all hinges on the lithium*** doing its job.

I have taken her for bloodwork this morning, and with some luck I might be able to get her back to the way she was but then again, she might crash first.

You see their was a reason that I didn't let take care of her own bills, stress. There was a reason that I didn't let her have her bank card, she spends money hand over fist and then when she would run out she would eat peanut butter and crackers till her check came in again. I would never tell her how much her grocery order came to either. These things are to keep her on an even keel, not to "rip her off" or whatever you three were thinking(from how many hundred miles away, I might add). Being irritated with me for not bringing her something she wanted was easier (for her)than her being stressed out over having no money. Independence? She is 75 years old, that was her independence.

Next time you genius's have a great idea on how to HELP Mom, you might want to run it past the person that sees her every single day and has actually spoken to her doctor.

Thanks guys, appreciate it.


*** "A major step in the treatment of manic depression occurred in 1949 with the discovery that a simple chemical compound, lithium carbonate, would control the major mood swings of that illness. It behaved as a prophylactic, damping out future manic swings. Lithium is the lightest metallic element and occurs naturally in small proportions in much of our food. How well you respond to lithium treatment depends on emotional and social factors in addition to physical ones."

The bitch of it is? It is going to take me months to get her back the way she was, if at all. I don't� even know if I have it in me anymore. But I know that if I left it to those three rocket scientists, their solution would be to put her in a home. Forget the fact that she was perfectly fine, till they stuck their nose into it.

Men, can�t live with them, can�t shoot them in the face.

More�s the pity.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003

"Long ago, I was a little girl, just like you! "

When I was 5, my father was drinking and my mother, after just having my little brother, "wigged out" Clearly neither she, nor my father could take care of us so me and my 4 brothers and my sister had to be put in foster care. For seven months (which is a long time for a 5 year old) my sister and I were separated not only from our parents but from our brothers.

It's a long drawn out story and I have told it before on here so I won't repeat myself. Suffice to say it was traumatic for all of us. I remember that we spent Christmas away from home and family that year. Christmas was a big deal to a big Catholic family. That year, my father bought me this Mrs. Beasley doll.

When I was lonely for my mother, I would pull her string and she would make me feel better. God, I loved that doll.

Even reading these quotes from her voice box, I can hear her little granny voice and it makes me cry.

"I do think you're the nicest little friend I ever had!"

"Gracious me, you're getting to be such a big girl!"

"It would be such fun to play jump rope don't you think? "

"Speak a little louder dear, so Mrs. Beasley can hear you. "

"If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for? "

"Would you like to try on my glasses? You may if you wish. "

"Do you want to play? "

"If you were a little smaller, I could rock you to sleep. "

"Long ago, I was a little girl, just like you! "

"Do you want to hear a secret? I know one! "

"You may call me Mrs. Beasley, would you like to play?"

I really have to find one, it is my new mission in life. Before I am dead, I will have one again.

Monday, November 3, 2003

Finally, fame....can fortune be far behind?

And another thing... made the BlogsCanada's Top 10 Blogs - November 2003

It was an honor just to be nominated. I promise you all that I will try not to forget all the little people I had to step on to get to where I am today.

Another year, another wrinkle.

The old girl is 38.

I tried to party last night, but after 2 drinks (Beer and Lemon Rum) I got a splitting headache. My best friend, in her infamous wisdom, thought a nice big fat joint would "fix me right up".

Well, before that I was an old girl with a headache.....afterwards I was just a stoned old girl.....with a headache. I didn't even make it to the hot tub, and I was looking forward to that.

Oh well, maybe next year.

Note to self: "You are old, you cannot mix drinks like when you were.....well, like when you weren't old."

Saturday, November 1, 2003

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life
my 8 day vacation!

Today is the first day of my vacation. You would think that I would sleep in eh? Well no, that would be wasting my time on vacation. So, how am I spending my first day? Cleaning the house. I know....I think I might be ill. No, not ill, I just want the place clean for all the lounging I will be doing for the next 8 days.

I also have my birthday to look forward to on the 3rd. Too bad I won't get a paycheck till the 6th. Oh well, you can't be rich and beautiful. We all have our own crosses to bare.

With any luck the satalite dish will not go out for at least a week. Cross your fingers and pray to the satalite god.

Friday, October 31, 2003

Happy Halloween!

Halloween fun at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

Oh no, Deb is off her meds!

We already know men are big babies.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

The call that broke the camel�s...well, you know.

Was doing a shift of overtime tonight. I love doing overtime. You can come in whenever you feel like it, take breaks whenever you want and the calls don�t get to you so much because you know that at any point you can just sign out and go home.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�Ya, how do I find Windows on my computer?� Huh?

�I�m not sure what you mean, mamme?�

�Windows�...where is it?�

�Is your computer on?�


�Then your looking at it.�

�Where? I just bought this new computer and I was told that windows came on it, how do I find it? I know it must be in here somewhere, but I don�t know where to look. I paid good money to have windows put on my machine, I think I have been ripped off.�

This is a joke. Is this a joke? This has to be a joke, right?

�Um, oh kay, can you click on your start button?�

�Yes, ok, now what?�

�Well mamme, the simple fact that you can click on your start button tells me that you are looking at windows. Windows is your operating system. It is everything you see. It runs everything else on your computer. I don�t know how else to explain it. The screen, the buttons, the menus...all of it. Its all windows.�

You can almost feel the blood rush to this idiots face. She was all full of righteous indignation because she �paid good money� and now she is realizing that she has just proved to at least one other person on this planet that she is a complete and utter moron.

That call broke me, I signed out and went home. I just knew it could only go down hill from there.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Same shit, different time of day.

I started my new shift at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� today. Sort of hard to get used to waking up at a decent hour of the day and getting home in time to watch the tube.

The shift went well. It was busy all day but it seemed that the people who call through the day are a bit more......lets just say? Stable? That's not to say I didn't get any nutbars, but they were more often sane than insane. I did think that the shift seemed to go by quicker. I even had a trainee sitting with me. (heaven help her) She listened to a few calls including this one:
Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah...

"Ya, I need help reinstalling my Product A."

"Certainly, do you have the installation disc?"


"Ah, how do you intend to reainstall sir?"

"Jesus Christ, that's what I called you for. Stop wasting my time and just get it done!"


Boy is he going to be pissed when after an hour or so he realizes that I did not do what he told me to. You know, teleport myself into his room and install the software for him.

After that call I said to the trainee, who clearly looked stricken, "You take the next one, chances are you won't get two whacko's in a row." Talk about deer in the headlights. I told her I would talk and she could work the tools, and I promised her I would talk slow. Luckily I got a decent guy who didn't get pissed off when I did this.

Sometimes we talk slow during the last call of the night so we can drag it out till closing. You know, if it is 5 minutes to closing, we don't want to finish in 4 minutes and have to take another call at one minute to. They always turn out to be some nut case that won't shut up and deal with the fact that we are closing and I can't put them through to technical support. So for the last call we try and drag it out and some people get very irritated at that. I had one guy try and tell me that I was trying to stall him till the cops got there. This is what I deal with every day.

I love my job. It is never boring.

Sunday, October 26, 2003


I am a CSI junkie. I just have one question.

What is up with the fucking flashlights? Wouldn't it be easier to just turn on the fucking lights?

Monday, October 20, 2003

Men think of the stupidest things to do.

Who else thinks David Blaine is just a whakko with a gimmic?
David Blaine - Above The Below

UPDATE:This guy is a street magician, and I have to say that when he is doing that he is very impressive. I am not sure what these stunts have to do with his talent as a magician. The last one he did was a box made of ice....or was it burried alive? not sure. But as a magician he is one of those guys that freak you out how good he is. One that comes to mind is he takes a string or thread from a persons clothing....swallows it and has it actually come out of this stomache.....I mean he lifts up his own shirt and pulls the string from his skin. FREAKS THE PERSON RIGHT OUT! OH OH and he pulls the head off a live chicken? Right there on the street, no prep, no studio no stage. Freaky! If you ever see on your tv guide, "David Blaine - Street Magic" watch it, it is unbelievalbe. He should stick to the magic.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

More money than brains.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�Ya, my online banking is not working.�

�Ok, what version of the product are you using?�


�Well, Mamme, 2000 is now considered an obsolete program. That is probably why you are experiencing problems. As your bank updates, the further behind you stay the more problems you are going to have.�

�Can�t you help me?�

�Well, not with the obsolete programs, we have no one here trained on them. The banking program is upgraded every year so they go obsolete pretty quick. If you were to upgrade to 2004, which is the newest version, it should solve your problem. Now, if it doesn�t you can call us back and we do provide free support for the new version.�

�Oh, that�s how its gonna be is it? A scheme to make us buy new software.�

�No Mamme, you can use the 2000 version forever if you like, as long as your bank doesn�t upgrade then you don�t have to.�

�But this thing is only 3 years old.�

�We put out a new version of that every year.�

�So I have to buy this thing again?�

�No Mamme, you don�t have to do anything, but if you want to do online banking you may have to. You can call your bank and see if they can support the 2000. The banks require encryption updates in order to make online banking more secure. Encryption that existed in 2000 may not be adequate for today�s banking needs. And since we cannot predict the future here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, we come out with a new version of the banking software every year. That is why the price is so affordable.� (its $20, but she wouldn�t let me get that out of my face before she lost her mind.)

She is screaming now, �Or I could just buy Quicken, cuz you guys suck. You can just go f#$%...�


That time she hung up on me. Before I could tell her that Quicken was $80 as opposed to our $20. A perfect example of more money than brains.

Saturday, October 18, 2003


(Bev gets all the real whackos.)

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Bev, blah blah blah�

�Ya, my thingy doesn�t work.�

�Your thingy Mamme? What thingy would that be?�

�You know�.the thingy. I am trying to buy something online and the thingy won�t work.�

�Is it asking you for your credit card?�

�Yes and when I put my card in the thingy, it keeps asking me to enter my credit card.�

�I still don't understand what thingy you are talking about.�

�The ATM thingy in the front of my computer. I put my credit card in there but it still keeps asking me for the information.�


Don�t blame her for hooking that one.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Survival of the fittest.

I am not a cook. That said, there are two exceptions. Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Now when I say I am not a cook. I don�t mean that I can�t cook, I mean I do not cook. If you see me at the grocery store ringing up my purchases, you would swear I was a frat boy with just a hot plate and a microwave in my dorm room. It is all pre-packaged and microwavable. It all makes perfect sense considering the fact that I don�t do dishes.

But hey, its Thanksgiving and the �boy� was looking a little peckish so I decided at noon on Saturday (my day off) that I would have turkey dinner. Its not the best idea on a holiday weekend to go and search for a turkey but as luck (or unluck) would have it, I found not only a turkey but an unfrozen one.

I spend the rest of the afternoon making stuffing, cutting potatoes, peeling carrots, the whole nine yards. The turkey is almost done at 5 and I proceed to turn on the veggies.

This is the point where my stove, who as you remember is only asked to perform twice a year, decides to lose its mind.

�WTF? We didn�t discuss this. You want to turn the oven on? Ok, and what? ALL the burners? At once? I am gonna have to think about this.� �Ya know what? NO!�

I just get the veggies to a rolling boil when the fuses for the burners blow. POP! POP! POP!

The sane thing to do at that moment would be to go out and find some fuses to replace it. It was after supper on a holiday weekend, I would have to search the various convenience stores for fuses. That would have taken effort and I am all about taking the low road. Now, since I really didn�t have any company coming, I decided to go another way. I just cooked the veggies one at a time on the one remaining burner. (Martha Stewart, I ain�t.)

Needless to say it was midnight before my turkey dinner was ready for consumption. But it was damn good. If I do say so myself. Now I have until Dec 24 to get new fuses for the stove. Maybe Santa will put some in my stocking.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

The dangers of in-breeding.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�I jes got a cumputa and evray thin is warkin fahn but I can�t see m�self� (my feeble attempt at a Bostonian accent.

�Excuse me?� (translation: WTF?)

�I can�t see m�self, all the cullas are wrawng.�

I don't have the patience for this. Is he talking about his reflection in the monitor? (don�t laugh, it has happened before)

�I am not sure what you mean sir, is the screen blank, is that what you mean?�

�Naw, evray thin else is fahn, but I can�t see m�self, the cullas are wrawng.�

Jesus H. Christ �Sir, do you have a webcam?�

�Ya, and the cullas a wrawng.�

After explaining to him that we don't make web cams, that we are a software company, I give him the number for the maker of the web cam and send him on his way.

I wonder if his mom and dad were brother and sister?

Monday, October 13, 2003

What do you want for nothing?

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�I am trying to install this upgrade and I am getting an error message�

�What is the error message you are getting?�

�Product A cannot find a qualifying product on drive C�

�And do you have a previous version installed?�

�No, I threw it away, but this should work.�

�No sir, what you purchased is an upgrade. It is looking for a previous version to upgrade.�

�But this should have the whole version on it.�

�No sir, it is an upgrade.�
I get him to read the disc, it clearly states that this software will search your system for a qualifying product.

�So, I have to go out and spend another $400 and get a full version?�

�Well sir, if you purchased the upgrade it was only $240, that�s why it wasn�t $400 it is not the full version, it is only an upgrade. If you like you can get your money back for the upgrade and purchase the full version.�

�Like Bill doesn�t have enough money he needs to force us to buy a full version of this?�
Oh ya, he�s like the mafia that way.

�Actually sir, Bill is giving people who previously purchased a full version of the software a break by selling them an upgrade at a reduced price.�

�That doesn�t make sense. All the software should be full versions. Upgrades should have the full version of the software.�
This guy is stomping all over my last nerve. I am so not in the mood for this.

�That doesn�t make sense sir. If you threw away your car and then turned around and bought new tires for that car, would you expect to still be able to drive the car?�

�That doesn�t make sense.�
Is he seriously listening to what he is saying?

�Well those are your options sir.�

�Well those options suck, I should be able to install this software. But it doesn�t surprise me that you people would force me to buy something else. �

THAT IS IT! �No one is forcing you to do anything sir, it is totally your decision to buy the software or not.�
I am sure Bill will not go hungry if you don�t.

He starts to curse and hangs up the phone.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a nice day now.�

Thursday, October 9, 2003

Peace at long last.

They are finally friends.

And another thing...

In case anyone cares, I finally got that earlier shift. Starting October 26 I will be on 12 - 8pm. Sweet! And I have the same days off. I know what you are thinking........and no, I didn't have to give head or anything.

I spent my day guessed it.................

I know, I promised I would solve the whole "world hunger" thing...but I will have to get to that some other day.

One more thing...

Ever wonder where to find all those funny commercials? Wonder no longer.
Funny Video Clips

Monday, October 6, 2003

Everyone Knows It's Windy.

Here are some Hurricane Pictures taken in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Saturday, October 4, 2003

Know who your mugger is.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�..blah blah blah.�

�Ya, Every time I try and save a file in my Word Perfect it wont save the images�.�
she is frantically talking a mile a minute.

As soon as she said Word Perfect I zoned out, I am now just waiting for her to shut the fuck up and let me get a word in edgewise.

�...I see the images when I am saving but when I bring it back the images are gone and�.�

�Excuse me Mamme? Did you say Word Perfect?�

she is off on another tangent she is not listening to me as I try to interrupt her.

I am going to have to raise my voice, �MAMME! I am sorry, but we cannot help you with Word Perfect.�

�What do you mean you won�t help me?�
That got her attention. �Oh, I suppose you want to squeeze some money out of me? That's what it is all about with you people, turn us upside down and shake more money out of us.�

�No Mamme, I can�t help you with Word Perfect because it is not our software. Are you sure you don�t mean Word or WordPad?�

�I know what the hell I am doing here, I am not an idiot! I have been working with Word Perfect for years. This is not something I did, it is a problem with your software!�
I bit my tongue on the idiot line. Was waiting for her to say �..hey I am not computer literate�..� They usually get it backwards.

�Actually Mamme, it may well be a problem with the software, but it isn�t our software. Word Perfect is made by Corel, this is Undisclosed Computer Software Company� you would have to contact Corel for support with Word Perfect.�

�Your telling me that Bill is taking all our money and he won�t even support the software?�
She is freaking out! I am going to have to dumb it down a bit so she will get the picture.

�Mamme, Bill, didn�t take your money on this one, Derek Burney
did. You will have to call him and ask him how it works. We don�t train our techs to fix other peoples software.�

Silence. I think it is sinking in that she has called the wrong place. She feels like an idiot�.I can feel it. I like the feeling. Any second she is going to hang up.

So I wait, in silence.


Next crayon.

Friday, October 3, 2003

50 Questions.

Radmila creates another monster. If you read it you have to post on your site the answers.

1. Your name spelled backwards: Llebpmac Ave
2. Where were your parents born? Father/Mother : Canada
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? kazaa lite
4. What's your favorite restaurant? Wendy's, big fan of the drive-thru
5. Last time you swam in a pool? 1989, the last time this body was in a bathing suit.
6. Have you ever been in a school play? no, I was cool in school ;-)
7. How many kids do you want? I have one, and that's sometimes too many.
8. Type of music you dislike most? rap, hands down. I figure it is for people who can't sing, much like break dancing was for people who couldn't dance.
9. Are you registered to vote? YES
10. Do you have cable? no, satalite tv and yes, I pay for it.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? what's a moped?
12. Ever prank call anybody? of course
13. Ever get a parking ticket? Yes, many.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Why would anyone jump out of a perfectly good plane?
15. Furthest place you ever traveled? Ontario......I am chicken shit
16. Do you have a garden? My thumb is completely black.
17. What's your favorite comic strip? Delbert
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Only the first verse.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower. never the same time of day, whenever the mood takes me.
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? The Sixth Sense, I never caught on that Bruce was really dead.
21. Favorite pizza topping? combination (mushrooms, pepperoni and green pepper)
22. Chips or popcorn? Chips
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? Caramel
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Ok, I am either really old or too young.
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? HA HA HA
26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange, would fresh squeeze it if it didn't take so much effort
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? My cousin Sonny at the Ranchhouse
28. Favorite type chocolate bar? Skor
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? Couple of years ago
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? See #16
31. Have you ever won a trophy? No
32. Are you a good cook? Do tv dinners count?
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes, but I don't do it.
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Never get the chance, my sister usually falls for it first.
35. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Nope, not cut out for food services.
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Cotton Candy....I kid you not
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? If I was a millionaire I could buy me a lover ;-)
40. Do you believe in love at first sight? No, but lust at first sight? That's a concept I can get behind.
41. Ever call a 1-900 number? Way too cheap for that.
42. Can ex's be friends? Is that possible? The longer they were non ex's the less likely it is.
43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My best friend Kimmy.
44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? Nope, bauld as a bat.
45. What message is on your answering machine? Spill your gutts!
46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? The guy who does, "Cheeseburger, Cheesburger, Cheeseburger, Pepsi, no coke."
47. What was the name of your first pet? Rory
48. What is in your pockets? lint
49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? blog
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? tampons

Thursday, October 2, 2003

What's in your wallet?

Because Radmila asked what was in my bag.

Contents: Bottle of Pepsi, cell phone, tampon, kleenex, keys, bottle of Buckleys, foamies for my headset at work, pay stub, notebook, pens, watch, brush, hand cream, bottle of Excedrine, compact screwdriver set, vairous bills and ( of course) carmel apple suckers, makup bag, the contents of which is ...duh makeup, visene, assorted pharmacuticals, jack knife, compact sewing kit, bandaids, purel, more hand cream and a mirror. Hey! Where is my wallet?

The only thing missing is the digital camera.....but of course I am using it at the time.

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Will wonders never cease?

I threatened the boy within an inch of his life today. I told him, �Get this house cleaned before I get home. OR ELSE!� Now, I wasn�t sure what the �or else� would be, and I left it to his imagination. This has never worked before and I expected as much this time. That is why when I walked through the door tonight and saw this

I was floored.

Ok, so it wasn�t perfect.

But it was enough for me to be very impressed. Coming from a woman who avoids housework like the plague you understand that it doesn�t take much to impress me.

I love this kid.

Monday, September 29, 2003

The aftermath of Juan

Hurricane Juan blew through last night. Wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have a nervous 12 year old, two jittery cats and those fire trucks that kept roaring down the street. I would have slept through the whole thing. The power was out from about 11pm last night to 1pm this afternoon. Here are a few pics of the damage. Mostly trees and power lines.

This is the boy at the end of the driveway, it was blocked with a few limbs that had blown down, and I don't know if you can see it, but there is a power line down on the road.

This is the back yard, it looks like a jungle now.

Another view of the driveway.

There were a few trees completely down at the end of the street. The most inconvenience was from the Tim Horton's being closed because the power was out. I guess Halifax got the worst of it. "Juan hit as a Category One hurricane with maximum sustained winds clocked at 146 km/hr in Halifax. It has since been downgraded to a tropical storm."

Friday, September 26, 2003

It�s not what you know but who you blow.

I am pissed.

When I began working at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� the whole class was hired for the 5pm-1am shift. We understood this going in. We were also under the impression that once we hit the floor after training we could request an earlier shift and when one became available they would be offered on a first come first serve basis. I thought this was fair.

In the past month we have been hearing of people getting earlier shifts, not surprising because they have been hiring CC�s hand over fist. I figured it would just be a matter of time before I got mine. Then we start hearing that people who were hired after our class were getting earlier shifts. WTF? And today I learned that a guy that hit the floor just two weeks ago got day shift.

What happened to first come first served? Who the hell do I gotta blow to get day shift? And why didn�t someone tell me that that was what had to be done? I feel like I got fucked and I wasn�t even offered a cigarette.

Hey, I am not opposed to a little rinse and spit but let me know ahead of time so I can tie my hair back.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003


The concert was ��.disappointing to say the least. We missed Honeymoon Suite all together. David Wilcox was really good. But my age was a factor in the whole thing. It was too hot, too loud and too long.

I am officially an old bag. My partying days are over. I did partake in some pharmaceuticals but did not drink. This only accomplished one thing, I was unable to sleep after the concert. So, I didn�t, I stayed up all night and went to work Sunday morning, something I do not recommend in my line of work. By 4pm I was pretty punchy at work but I got through till 6 and came home and crashed.

The most disappointing moment of the night is when April Wine thanked everyone for coming and I realized they didn�t even play the song that I had paid $24 to hear live. All I could think about was �that is 6 hours of my life that I will never get back�. I have moved on from old bad, to curmudgeon. I should have used that money to buy a crapload of records for my new record player.

On a lighter note, the boy is doing better.

Although he went in for a second x-ray and the doctor told him he could put �some� weight on the foot. This translated in his 12 year old mind to �Get back on that skateboard boy, have a ball. No, there is no need for crutches anymore, you have miraculously healed yourself!� Needless to say he has ruined said cast and we will most likely have to go in tomorrow and have it replaced.

Another light note, we have gotten another cat. Well kitten really, meet Oscar.

We named him that because he looks like he has a scar on his face. So far he has shit on my bed and pissed on the couch. We will see how long his little life here lasts.

(Don�t have a cow�..I said his life here not his life.)

Friday, September 19, 2003

Another asshole chimes in.

This is the newest ray of sunshine in my life.

The return address says simply Customer Service or MS Newsletter or some such nonsense. It looks legit enough. But it is just another asshole with too much time on its hands. It has a nice little attachment that releases a worm virus on your computer. Fun eh?

Some reference material for ya.
New email worm targets hole in Internet Explorer. 19/09/2003. ABC News Online
Beware fake Microsoft 'security' spam

Just a tip: MICROSOFT NEVER sends you emails with patch fixes embedded in them � and you only get security alert notices if you've opted in.

If you are worried about it visit the good people who bring you Norton and get all the info you need.
Symantec Security Response - W32.Swen.A@mm

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a nice day.

Heads up!

As an added bonus, you will recieve undelivered notices that come with this handy popup.

This triggers the download to your computer of the offending worm. Be careful when sifting through your mail, pay attention because the save on these popups is really easy to hit by mistake.

Those geeks, they just think of everything.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Just another day in paradise!

Last night I had nothing but bazaar calls.

A man with one product that didn�t have free support, tried to get support with another product. After about 20 minutes,

�Well what if I told you it was product A?�

�Then I would check your PID and know you were lying.�

�Well I have support for product A�

�But your having the problem with product B�


�So, there isn�t just one guy here that takes care of all the tech calls. The guy trained in product A is not expected, and most times has no idea how, to work product B, so even though it would be free support, he wouldn�t be able to help you.�

�Well what if I told you���

�Sir, I have explained your support options, if you do not wish to go through on pay per incident, then I really can�t help you any further. Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a nice day.�

Next crayon please!

As a customer reads his software disk: ��..for product support contact the manufacturer of your pc��

�And who is the manufacturer of your pc?�

�They told me not to tell you.�

�You were already in contact with them.�

�Ya, and they told me not to tell you it was OEM software, and you would help me.�
(Of all the nerve!)

�And I can sir, for a $35 charge to a major credit card.�

This is when he loses his mind. �I just paid them $130 and you are telling me I have to pay you another 35 fucking dollars?�

�Well sir the disc clearly states that your warranty support lies with your OEM. Do you think it was worth $130 to have them tell you just to call us and lie?�

�Well what if I didn�t tell you that? What if I just said it was retail?�

�Sir, we can check that with the PID, we don�t just take peoples word for it. If I were you I would call them back and make them work for their $130. I will let you know that ours is a flat fee and we will work with you for as long as it takes until your issue is completely resolved and if for some reason we can't resolve it we will refund the charge.�



�That�s fair.�

�We like to think so.�

And another thing...

A lady calls up who just bought a computer with obsolete software, it�s $35 only until January, when phone support is discontinued. She loses her mind but grudgingly gives me her credit card info. Half way through she begins to talk very very snotty to me. She starts with her billing address, giving it to me in a tone that suggests she is also at the same time scraping something disgusting off the bottom of her shoe. When I ask for her phone number, she starts to yell,

�What the hell do you need all this fucking information for?�

Stay calm Evel�..�Well it is to distinguish you from every other Jane Doe in Michigan��

�Well I am the only one in fucking Michigan.�
Sure lady.

I am gritting my teeth now, and a co-worker that was about to ask me a question sees my face and walks away,

�Mamme, I can�t create a case for you until I get this information.�

She is screaming and I am pounding this out as hard as I can on the keyboard, I can�t believe it isn�t smashing it. Another co-worker has just backed away from me.

THAT IS IT! In my snottiest look-lady, Dirty Harry voice, �Mamme, if you can not control yourself, I will be forced to terminate this call.�

She calms down a little, but is still snarky. The only thing that kept me from hooking her was that glorious feeling of satisfaction that she will, in the end, wait almost two hours on hold (I kept that little tidbit from her) only to end up at my favorite foreign country. You know the one.

Happy trails bitch!

Monday, September 15, 2003

To whom it may concern:

To the guy ahead of me driving 5 mph: "Get out and fucking walk!" I have places to go, if you are looking to tour the country side, it is much faster on foot. At least the way YOU drive.

To the dumb-as-dirt customer: "How are you today?" is a fucking rhetorical question. I am not a heartless bitch but I don't give a rat's ass how your surgery went.

To that same Rhodes Scholarcustomer: No, "I get an error message", is NOT enough information to go on.

To that minimum wage bitch that works till closing at Tim Horton's: "If you are closed? Turn the fucking drive-thru sign off!"

To that perfect stranger who felt the need to chat with me at the doctors office: "There is such a thing as too much information."

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

FINALLY! Comments are back up!

It's been a week (or so) but comments are finally back up and running.

Now for the bad news. The "boy" broke his foot yesterday trying to ollie off a picnic table.


In my opinion the ollie is the most important trick to know how to do. 9 out of 10 tricks require an ollie.

1.First you must know where to put your feet on your board. Put your back foot on the tail of the board. Put your front foot just behind the front bolts.

2.Then the next thing to do is to snap down the tail all the way to the ground as hard as you can.

3.Next then slide your front foot up the board,just past the front bolts.

4.Now you should be in the air, level your body out over the bolts.
This is where the boy inserted picnic table.

5.Bend your knees and get prepared for hitting the ground.

6.Ride away

Now you have done an ollie. You may want to master this trick before you try to do any other skateboarding tricks.

The "boy" had a little trouble with number 5, and to be fair it isn't all that clear. He did hit the ground but not on the skateboard. This demonstrates the importance of reading all the directions before execution. But he's a man after all.

"We don't need no stinkin' directions!"

Sunday, September 7, 2003

Open letter to an asshole.

This is the moron that everyone has been looking for. Jeff Parsons. Although he is not the writer of the original Blaster Worm virus, he is what I think most people imagine your average virus writer looks like.

Unfortunately, this perception stands because the writers of the most destructive viruses are so good that most are never caught so we never get a look at them.

What you usually get are kids like Jeff here, who get a hold of it and rework it and make it their own. And of course what is the fun of making a virus if no one knows you did it? That is how kids like Jeff are caught. The writer of the Word97 macro virus thought it was a good idea to add his resume into the code of the virus itself. What better way to get a job than to leave this message? (along with his resume)

�Warning: If I don't get a stable job by the end of the month I will release a third virus that will remove all folders in the Primary Hard Disk, or in layman's term para ko na ring fi-normat ang Hard Disk Mo �

I think maybe you should aim a bit maybe concentrate on gettin' yourself layed.

Saturday, September 6, 2003

Cum (and actually) Hear the Band.

It took me a week, but I finally got the tune downloaded. Not one of their more popular tunes I guess. Absolutely no one on Kazaa had it.

Thursday, September 4, 2003

Your tax dollars at work.

Do you think this guy woke up one morning and said,

"Oh ya, I have a great idea. I will paint a vagina." Clearly something he has never witnessed first hand. And if he has, I would love to meet the chick that has to walk around with that particular deformity.

His Mamma must be so proud.

Monday, September 1, 2003

Tracey is an Auntie!

How gorgeous is this kid? Trey Anthony, 6lbs 3oz.

Sunday, August 31, 2003

Another year has come and gone.

Happy Anniversary to my son and his Big Brother.

Three years today. Can�t say enough good things about the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization.

If you need one, get one. If you aren�t one, be one.

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Cum Hear The Band

"Oowatanite" and I picked up my ticket today.

I can't wait. Talk about your blast from the past. Ever since I heard they were coming, I have been remembering all the great ballads and how proud we were that they were from Nova Scotia.

"It all began in Nova Scotia late in 1969. The Henman brothers, David and Ritchie, got together with their cousin Jim Henman and fellow musician Myles Goodwyn to form a band called April Wine, a name chosen simply because they were two words that sounded good together. Fifteen studio albums, three live releases, numerous compilations, a boxed set and thousands of concerts later April Wine has become enormously popular in Canada, the United States and throughout the world."

Like the dork I was, I was totally in love with Myles Goodwyn. When he sang "Cum Hear the Band", I thought he meant me, and I cried when my mother said I was too young to see their concerts. (hey, I was 10) And I had just gotten this album.

It's crazy what brings memories flooding back. Most of the time it is a song on the radio. You remember what you were doing, how you felt, what was going on in the world.

I was 10 and I was miserable because Myles had said, "Cum Hear the Band" and my stupid mother just didn't understand.

Well I am no longer 10, and even with a touch of the rheumatism I will try to party hard. And in the morning? I will just thank god for the Alzheimer's and try not to OD on the Mayolox.

"Rock N' Roll Is A Vicious Game."

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Crayon from hell!

Last night, I had a screamer. Always fun, the very last call of the night.

It stared out sane enough.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Evel, how may I help you.�

A nice boy starts to tell me what problem he is having and I start gathering his information.

Then I hear what I can only describe as a banshee in the background, Justin is trying to give me his info and the banshee is having some sort of fit.

�Is there a problem Justin?�

�One sec.�
He proceeds to tell the banshee to shut her f�ing mouth and let him talk so he can get through to tech support.

The banshee was having none of it. Justin is in mid sentence when the banshee picks up the extension.


�Well ma�am I am just getting some information and creating a case so I can send Justin through for tech support.�


I try and calm her down, by what she was saying I thought she had already gone through the process and was on hold for tech support and didn�t like the wait time. I tried to tell her that unfortunately with the virus problem we were experiencing high call volume and everyone had to wait. I am trying to talk over her, but she is very loud, and I am loud and pretty soon everyone in the place can hear me trying to get this quiff�s information.

�BUT I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR TECH SUPPORT� She has obsolete software, everyone who is still running it is paying for it.

I ask her if she has a case number, she is still ranting but after a couple of minutes she finally gives up her phone number. I find her in the system. Flashes up the ying yang. She has been here before and there are warnings that she is a screamer. Flashes are sort of a heads-up from other CSR�s who have dealt with her. Her information is there but no case. This does not go over well, she is the president of her own company and she should be treated with respect. Blah blah blah. Some company if she couldn�t afford to update the computer system in at least the past 5 years.

�So, you have not spoken to a technician yet?�


�Excuse me ma�am but what you are saying is that you are upset because you have been on hold to talk to me? You put your credit card information in the phone?�


�Ma�me, until I answer your call, I have absolutely no way of knowing that you have paid. This is not a psychic line.�
This was out of my face before I could stop it.

"WHAT IS YOUR NAME?�I WILL BE SPEAKING WITH THE HEAD OF YOUR SOFTWARE COMPANY AND I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB.� Ya sure, right after you talk personally to the President of the United States. You will probably have more luck getting him on the line. �I CAN�T BELIEVE I AM STILL NOT TALKING TO A TECHNICIAN, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?�

�My problem? First of all ma�am, you are screaming at me, second I still have to get some information from you because I have no idea what your problem is so I have no idea where to send you.�
It�s not just me and tech guy Gerry sitting here. �I need to know exactly what the problem is to redirect you properly.�

It was all I could do not to tell this bitch to fuck off and hook her.

Finally, ignoring the banshee altogether, Justin and I finished setting up a case and I transferred him. I was kind to all both of my readers and shortened this post. Believe me when I say this call was one of the longest so far. For all her bitching she made a 2 minute call last over 40 minutes.

The good news is, after all that, tech support for the banshee�s software is in one of those countries where they don�t eat cows and everyone is just working long enough to save enough money to buy a 7-11 in Des Moines.

There IS a God.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

By George! I think she's got it.

Samantha Bennett writes an interesting article about Canadians.

"It's not just the weather that's cooler in Canada"

Thanks Desiree for the link to it.

Finally, a Yank who doesn't blame Canada for everything wrong with America. (or does she?)

Saturday, August 23, 2003

It takes all kinds.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is�.�

�Ya, I have the virus, how do I get rid of it?�

I get all the pertinent info from this guy. Version of software etc. He is OEM.

�...and who is your internet service provider?�

�I don't� have the internet.�
Are you kidding me?

�Ah, sir, you don�t have the virus then.�

�Oh yes I do, the computer is not working, and it is telling me I have a worm.�

No it is not! People try and get free support by saying they have the worm. Some moron leaked it that if it is a virus problem, we take care of it regardless of your warranty status.

If you have this problem, it will NOT say you have the virus. Most people who call in and have it, have no idea that is what it is. It does NOT say you have a worm. That is NOT the error message you get. Stop trying to get support for free if you are not eligible for it. You WILL NOT get past me.

�Sir, if you do not have internet access, you are completely safe from this virus. Now, if you computer is not working properly and you want technical support we have a pay per incident line available to you. That would require a $35 charge to a major credit card but that would let you speak��.�


Fuck-off dumbass.

And Another Thing...

"Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is�.�

�Ya, this virus thing, how do I know if I have it?�

�what is your computer doing?�

�I don�t know, I am on vacation.�

�Are you connected to the internet.�

�I have dial up.�

�Ok, what type of anti-virus software do you have.�

�I�m not sure.�

�Is there a small icon down by where the date is? It will say there.�

�I don�t have my computer with me.�
And you thought it was a good idea to call now?

�Ah, sir, I really can�t help you if you are not in front of the computer.�

�Really? Well can�t you just tell me what to do if I do have the virus?�

�No, I would have to verify your software first.�


�Well, if you have unlicensed software, I won�t be able to help you.�

�You mean pirated? I paid for mine.�

If you SAY so, dumbass.


Monday, August 18, 2003

If it ain�t broke, don�t fix it.

"Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is�.�

�I have the worm, I need help.�

�Ok, what sort of error messages are you getting?�

Ok, maybe she doesn�t know what I mean.

�What exactly is the computer doing?�

�It�s working fine now, the guy at Staples had me change some settings and it works fine now.�

�So, you fixed it.�
She had the virus, she put up the firewall and downloaded the patch, removed the virus and everything is fine now. �I don�t understand what I can do for you, Gena?�

�Ya, but how do I go back to my original settings?�

�Why would you want to?�

�Well, they were changed, so now I want them back the way they were.�

�But the way they were allowed the worm to infect your computer. If you put them back, you may get the virus again.�

�I don�t understand.�
That�s abundantly clear.

�Well, the only thing different in your settings is that your firewall is now up. If you take it down you may be vulnerable to other attacks. I would keep it up until there is a better handle on this thing. If you find later on that the firewall is preventing you from going to certain websites, you can take it down at that time, but if you don�t notice a difference, then just leave it.�

�I don�t understand�

�If it ain�t broke, don�t fix it.�

�I waited 40 minutes on hold and you aren�t going to help me?�
Its not my fault you are a crayon.

�Gena, if there is nothing wrong with your computer, I can�t fix it.�

�I want to talk to someone else.�

Unfortunately she didn�t say the magic word, the QM asked if she asked for someone or a manager? Since she didn�t specifically ask for a manager I was to tell her I could put her back in the Q and she could wait to speak to another customer service rep. This, I am positive will send her over the edge.

�Ok, Gena, you have two options. I can transfer you back through to the Q where you will wait another 40 minutes to talk to another CSR who will undoubtedly tell you the exact same thing as I just did. Or I can create a case for you and send you through to tech support where you will wait 3.5 to 4 hours to speak to a tech who will tell you exactly what I just did. Its up to you.�

�I cant� believe you sent me a virus, and now you wont help me.�

�GENA, you already did what was required, you fixed it. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT CAN BE DONE!�

�This is not what I call good customer service.�

�I give up.�