Monday, April 30, 2007

Long past time for me to deal with the FCS.

I am writing this on Sunday but since Sunday is reserved for You Are Here, I will post this on Monday.

As some of you may know, I have been not feeling myself lately. I went to the doctor after my Emergency Room experience and she put me on blood pressure and cholesterol meds. We also discussed lifestyle change. I say lifestyle change because if you have ever been on one, diets do not work long term. I already knew what was wrong with me. I am old, fat, I don't move and I don't eat anything that doesn't come out of a box. Fat Chick Syndrome.

I wanted to join Weight Watchers, I thought it was really the only way to lose and keep off weight. Not because I think their programs and meal plans are so great, it is all about that lady at the end of the week. You know the one, she watches as you step on the scales and gives you that little disappointed look if you haven't lost any weight. She is your will power.

But, alas, I am way too cheap for that and WW requires a lifetime commitment. Seriously, I have been a member before and did great on it, no problems, but then I got cocky and figured I didn't need that Lady Willpower, but I did. The mere thought of her kept me from consuming that entire pizza. A month after I cut her loose, I had those 20 pounds back on. I kid you not.

My doctor told me not to go bananas. She said for me to try and eat better, move a little more and take off 10 or 15 pounds. Pretty realistic goal, right? Although, at this point, I could lose the equivalent of another person and still not be skinny but she made a great point. You don't have to be Twiggy to be healthy. She said I don't have to go to the gym for an hour every day and eat celery 24/7. Little things, over time will make a huge difference. I agree.

So, starting Monday I will begin to change the little things that I can. I will look for an exercise bike. (This is the one I am considering.) I can't do anything cardio because of my heart and it has to be no impact because of the complete lack of arches in my feet. She also suggested weight training because you can't lose weight unless you convert it into muscle.

I will not buy the boxed dinners and I will try and cook shit. You heard me. I am pretty sure I can do it, although I have never really tried. Pray for The Boy.

I will figure out some way to get myself weighed. I don't own a scale. Maybe the one out on the highway?..ok, not that fat.

Here's the deal. Since I am too cheap to pay for the Willpower Lady at WW, you will be that lady for me. The unseen masses that read this blog. (ya, both of you)

I will broadcast my weight, exercise and eating habits right here for all to see. Won't that be fun? No, it will not be every freaking day, so relax. I may put up another page, for the day to day crap just so I can keep track but I will update my progress weekly. It will not just be about the weight, I also have high cholesterol, high blood pressure and I smoke. Honestly, I think I will leave the whole smoking thing alone till I get the rest of the health shit underway. Otherwise, it may not be safe for the general public.

I think I will do it on Hump Day...just because since I gained all this weight, along with the double triple chins, I have developed a hump (you fat chicks in the audience will know what I am talking about) so it is only fitting. I will think of a catchier title hopefully before Wednesday, if you have any suggestions, chime in.

Hey, maybe I will get fit enough so I can start playing tennis again. I used to love it, and for some reason it didn't feel like exercise to me, (well not until the next day suffering with the joint pain) I enjoyed it that much.

Today I took the first step....I purchase decaffeinated coffee. I will let you know how that turns out.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 04-29-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-a dog's hind leg (England) (#6)
-he need to go back to british (New York) (#2)
-nude french celeb (India) (#1) Don't let the Indians fool ya, they got some dirty birds over there.
-tunisian leicester (Oman) (#3)
-digby neck isp (Chicago) (#1)
-trenton tim horton hockey tournament (Los Angeles) (#6)
-pecker check (Alberta) (#2)
-holy shit i think he's got it (Budapest) (#6)
-nude crosse sweden (Belgium) (#1)
-opinions about eva inside the cat by gabriel garcia marquez (Bolivia) (#8) This dude is really spacific.
-drive thru movie in mississauga ontario (St. Catharines, Ontario) (#2)
-phone service digby neck nova scotia (Chicago) (#?)
-cat snot sneezing (North Carolina) (#6)
-suv asshole (Oregon) (#8)
-mingle2 (Washington) (#6) Oh, I did that geek survey on that site, aparently it is a dating site. I am such a geek I missed that altogether.
-utah traffic stats harrison (Salt Lake City) (#3)
-cort sfx-1f (London) (#9)
-calories tim horton's french vanilla extra large (Ontario) (#4)If you have to ask, it is probably too many.
-salomon inc brooklyn (California) (#3)
-people who have heart valve replaced (Texas) (#5)
-layne thrasher (Santa Monica, California) (#6)
-anyone else think that david suzuki is a moron (#4)Good Lord! You can't say that in Canada, its like, the law here. You are libel to get bitch slapped.
-a map were you can see your house (Texas) (#10)Dude, its called Google Earth.

And there are numerous keyword searches for ... let's just say...doing nasty things with your sister-in-law, too numerous to list here. One nut kept rewording it and still coming up with my site. You have persistence, I will give you that. I have just this to say. You are one sick puppy.

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

State Of Montana Department Of Administration (Billings)
Alberta Motor Association (Edmonton, Alberta)
Dow Corning Corporation (Los Angeles, California)
Fanshawe College Of Applied Arts (Chicago, Illinois)
Union College (Overland Park, Kansas)
The Principal Financial Group (Des Moines, Iowa)
Southwest Missouri State University (Springfield)
Katholieke Universiteit Leuven (Leuven, Brussels in Belgium)
Ocean State Higher Education And Administration Network (Providence, Rhode Island) Oh, looks like they translated into Italian, cool.
Boise State University (Idaho)
American Theological Library Association (Chicago) And they searched for '+cat +snot +sneezing', too funny.
Rowan College Of New Jersey (Glassboro)
Massachusetts Mutual (Springfield)
Brandeis University (Waltham, Massachusetts)
Google Inc (Mountain View, California)
Medical City Dallas (Plano, Texas)
The Ballpark Advertising Agency (Santa Monica, California)
Toronto Dominion Bank (Ontario)

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Over 5 years and still a big gaping hole, could that be possible? Can you look liberty in the eye?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

He's off the market, girls.

My little brother is now safely hitched. Again.

I was roped into speaking during the reception. I walked back in from having a smoke at just the wrong moment. The bride's brother was speaking and just pretty much introduced me as I was coming in the door. Nice, subtle.

The look on my little brother's face was priceless though. He looked frightened. I don't know why? The crowd was looking at me like they expected it to be brilliant. I had to inform them that I was not prepared so they shouldn't expect much. Sorry, don't really remember what I said, but I was surprisingly mushy. Well, mushy for me, anyway.

The wedding was nice, the dinner was tasty and plentiful and, as luck would have it, I left the dance long before I was forced to snap the neck of some drunken nurse.

All in all? A successful event.
How Much Is Your Blog Worth?

I ran across this cute little applet over at Dane Carlson's, by way of David Dairey's Creative Design, that "computes and displays your blog's worth using the same link to dollar ratio as the AOL-Weblogs Inc deal."

You can see my results over on the side bar. The trick, I guess, is to figure out how to get paid for your efforts.

If you find out, let me know.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The clock is ticking.

So, I have been feeling funny for a week or so. But I was waiting to go see my doctor, I have an appointment this Friday.

Unfortunately, I told my sister that I was feeling funny. Bad idea. She wanted me to go to the emergency room, pretty much every day for the last week. She is all for me going but when she was sick it was around 3 months before she finally went in and by that time it was pretty much too late and she had to have a valve replaced in her heart.

Any hoo...

I have been taking early release all week because I just wasn't feeling right. Tonight, was no exception. But as I was driving home past the hospital I made a deal with myself, "If there is a parking space out front, I will go in."

SHIT! I was pulling in and someone was pulling out.

"Okay, but if there are more than 5 people in the waiting room, I am not staying." I walk in and there are four. Double Shit! Then I start eyeballing the guy in the corner. "That kid is huge, he could easily make two people."

Now I am not only feeling funny, but I am agitated. I am such a joy to be around when I am agitated. When I am agitated, I don't just think stuff, I say it, out loud. There is only one person ahead of me at admittance. I look around, "So, what do I need for this place, a credit card? Or do they take cash?"

I look at the clock, 10:15pm. Great. The woman ahead of me vacates the premises and I sit down. I give the nurse my hospital card and tell her my symptoms. "Here is the thing. I am not sitting here all night. You have one hour." I look at my watch. "Go."

She gives me a blank stare. "Huh?"

I lean into the window, maybe she didn't hear me. "I am leaving this hospital in one hour. Inform the doctor, you have until 11:15 to do whatever you have to do."

Long story short. I get blood work done, x-ray, urine test, blood pressure taken and an EKG. I see the doctor twice. My blood pressure is high (158 over 114). X-rays and EKG are fine, is sending urine and blood results to my doctor for my Friday appointment. I told him I was not waiting around for the results.

Dr. Sunshine has one facial expression...for every emotion. And they all look bored. It was really hard not to laugh at him trying to show concern. It appeared like he was really trying to make his face change expressions and it was painful.

Diagnosis? I am fat, I don't exercise or eat right and I smoke. He's brilliant isn't he?

Wow, I didn't need you to tell me that. "So, I am not taking a stroke or anything? Cuz I have a wedding to go to on Saturday."

"You should be fine for that. In fact I can guarantee you till the end of the weekend."

"Funny. So? Am I going to die?"

"Well, everyone is going to die. But whether it is in 20 years or 30 years, that's up to you."

"TWENTY OR THIRTY?....Good God! I don't want to live that long."

"Well you could linger."

"Fine, I will pick up one of those Do Not Resuscitate orders on my way out."

11:13pm I exit the hospital.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

If you enjoy it, thank your cult leader.

So what if the Bro deletes me from his FaceBook, I am a member of this group.

The count is now at 15,578 members. This boy is getting inked! And soon.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I don't know you.

I went to visit my mother the other day and she wanted to take a walk to see the birds they have at the home. It is important for my mother to keep moving, if not she may stop moving all together. Anyway, the birds were located the length of two hallways away. We started out and she was doing fine. She has a crappy old aluminum walker someone from the Red Cross gave her.(This one is almost identical to the one she has except her wheels do not pivot.) The wheels are small and hard and there is no real steering mechanism. She has to lift it if it goes off course. This can get tiring and before we got half way she had to grab a chair and rest.

We got a little farther and we ran into a woman with a walker that had bigger wheels, brakes and a little seat, so if she got tired she just turns around and sits down. After she is rested, she gets back up and continues on. "How cool is that?" I say to my Mom. We need to get you one of those.

When I got home, I was talking to my Sister. In case you didn't know I have one sister and four brothers. I told her I wished I could get this for Mom but I just can't afford it. And she had just pretty much single-handedly moved our mother to the new nursing home and bought her a new recliner chair that she really couldn't afford to buy. (She has been off work since her heart operation.)

So, like someone from a big family, you start thinking the other siblings could help out. I thought it was obvious. My little brother is getting married next week, he can't do it. So that leaves three other brothers. One is in Alberta working in a camp, hard to reach. The two other ones are about 2 hours away, one is an electrician, and the other is a professor at one of the colleges. Seems like a no brain'er and hey the professors wife is a physical therapist or something like that.

So, problem solved, right? I get on the messenger to my professor brother:

ME:I was just up to see mom, I think she could get around better if she had a better walker, the one she has is crap. She needs one of those ones that she can sit if she has to. Maybe you can get a better deal on one since your wife is in the 'biz' I can't afford to get her one, I am paycheck to paycheck as it is and OTHER SIS just bought her a $400 chair for her room that she could ill afford....maybe you and OTHER BRO can split on one, I don't even know how much they are, but I know mom would move a lot more if she had better support

BROTHER:just sent you an email.....we have to have mom assessed by an O.T......then get her the right equipment

I am trying to have this conversation with my brother trying to figure out what he is talking about and my sister is messaging me 'READ YOUR EMAIL' So I do.

This is where I lose my mind. This is the email I get. Remember this is from my BROTHER. Here is the email:
Hey Evel,

I talked to My Wife. Apparently we have to have Mom assessed by an Occupational Therapist before getting her new equipment. The nursing home can make arrangements for this. (My Wife can’t do this as it would be a conflict of interest) Once the equipment recommendation is made, we could get the new walker through the Red Cross at no cost (or very little). Regardless, she needs to be professionally assessed so that we get the right equipment for her.

You or OTHER SIS will have to initiate this with the nursing home.

Brother Lastname, MAAE
Faculty/Applied Arts and New Media
Some Community College
100 Some Street
Somewhere, This Province

O: ###-###-####

Meanwhile he is babbling on about the yearly 5 minute visit he had with mom and the walker that her roommate has not being the kind she needs, and I am reading that email thinking...'Who is this from?'.

ME: who are you emailing, you sound like a fucking politician

That stops him.

ME:conflict of interest? if Your Wife doesn't want to give an opinion she can just say so. I don't need a degree or a fucking assessment to know she can't push that walker it has crappy old wheels and she gets tired so I don't need a congressional hearing to know she could use a seat half way through her walk

Notice I am talking normally, NOT SCREAMING, I know he has used a computer long enough to know the difference. But this is what I get.

BRO: well you do what you think is best then

And that's it, he blocks me on messenger. I kid you not. He blocks me, like a five year old. I know he is still there, he is continuing to talk to my sister. Does he think I am an idiot? I tell my sister this and she tries to talk to him, he won't answer. Then he deletes me from his FaceBook.

So, I fire off this reply to his very proper email:
Good God, BRO:

Who are you talking to? You do realize I am your SISTER???? Is that a form letter?

You do not need to 'assess' your own mother. If she has a runny nose you pass her a tissue.

Let me speak slowly. Mom does not NEED to move the walker from a sitting position. She walks very well, with the walker. She gets tired. She needs a chair after about 5 minutes. We could strap a chair to her back but they have walkers with little seats for just this reason. I cannot wait for a congressional hearing and an act of congress. If Mom stops moving, she will get worse. She needs this now.

As I said, I can't afford it, I pretty much live paycheck to paycheck, OTHER SIS just bought a chair she couldn't afford to buy and LITTLE BROTHER is getting married in a week.

I did not message my MP to see what the procedure was for obtaining equipment for some old lady. I messaged my BROTHER about HIS mother because I don't have the money to buy her one and I figured between you and OTHER BROTHER you could cough up some cash.

If that is too much to ask, I can probably sell something. It is pretty sad that you cannot have a conversation with me and have to block me like a five year old.

Thanks anyway.


I swear to God, I don't know who brought that boy up.

You know what? It is not the fact that he wanted to 'go through channels' or that I thought he is just too fucking cheap. It was the email. This is my brother, and he is talking to me like he is my member of parliament. I need his full name and title? I am his sister! I know who the fuck he is. Why can't he have a conversation with me? Now he tells my sister he is not coming to our little brother's wedding.

Are you fucking kidding me? (I know you read this Bro....give your fucking head a shake. I wasn't aware that 50 year olds still took tantrums.)

My Sis says he can't deal with conflict. WTF?

So what? My mother has to push an aluminum discount walker with broken wheels because my tenured professor brother is too fragile to talk to his sister?


Sunday, April 22, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 04-22-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-how to freak people out (New Jersey) (#16)
-fuck leicester (Virginia) (#3)
-seeing indian sister-inlaw nude (Delhi) (#3)
-eye snot puppies (Florida) (#2) not a breed I would recommend.
-tim hortons extra large coffee cream measurement (Virginia) (#5)
-naked tunisian men (Spain) (#1 BABY!) Hell, if the tech support thing doesn't pan out, maybe I can be a pimp?
-traffic statistics for harrison south ogden utah (Utah) (#4)
-party valley stream site:bl (Valley Stream, New York)Dude, if they wanted you there, they would have given you directions.
-statcounter california, grass valley (New Zealand) (#2)
-movie filmed at chedoke evel building (Ottawa) (Wow,#1) And all you get is me.
-the devil himself blogger (Los Angeles) (#?)
-labatt commercial turn me loose (New Brunswick) (#?)
-dean martin celebrity roasts (Sweden) (#7) I love those things, I am completely addicted.
-red hat tullahoma (Tennessee) (#5)
-medium triple tim hortons (Montreal) (#3)
-new ns learners permit 2007 (Nova Scotia) (#6)
-ted reinstein, and another thing (New York) (#3)
-victim ministries of texas plano (#11)
-french translation "is anyone there" phone (United Kingdom) (#9)
-do i tell i was fired (Texas) (#11)
-starchoice hacks (Canada) (#6) It has been a long time since this search pointed to me.
-sith desert scenes (England) (#1 BABY!) And I actually have information about this on my blog....who knew?
-star wars filmed sahara desert (Halifax) (#3)
-information on Pencil Beach, Digby Neck, Digby Co, Nova (Canada) (#1 Again?) Unfortunately, you were steered wrong on this one.
-verizon vonage 3com (Massachusetts) (#4) I was only down for the day, but I fear the worst for Vonage.
- eva is inside her cat (#8) I know this one, I believe it is a book by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Askjeeves Inc (California)
Actelion (South San Francisco)
Drb Partners (California)
Utah Educational Network (Ogden)
Skillsoft Inc (Fredericton, New Brunswick)
Flanner Buchanan (Plano, Texas)
Layne Thrasher Video Bliss Inc (Los Angeles)
TMO FLARION PIX NAT (Bratislava, Slovakia)
West Corporation (Omaha, Nebraska)
Grace Maternity Hospital (Nova Scotia)
University Of Wisconsin (La Crosse)
Uppsala University (Sweden)
Colonial Williamsburg (Virginia) Did they have internet in 18th-century Virginia?

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Ever shop at Dragon City or enjoy the view from 1,136 ft at the Horizons Café?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

The Landlord.

This was too funny, I just had to pass this on.

By way of My Two Second Shelf Life.

And once you start watching video you can't stop...

The Boy had this reaction to Santa.

And Michelle was wondering where all the socks go? He goes a hundred miles an hour, he's green dynamite...

Friday, April 20, 2007

What next?

I woke up this morning to no internet services. After cursing Vista, and then my ISP, I decided to do what I do and start troubleshooting.

Ping, Ping, Ping. Hmmmm can't get past the modem. OK, that's the ISP. Here is my delema, my phone system is VOIP. How do I call them? Ok, I still have the cell. But if you have ever called your ISP you know there are a bunch of things they always make you do. So the first thing I did was bypass the VOIP router and connect directly to the modem.

SUCCESS! Hmmmm. Again with the head scratching. To think I almost called my ISP and grossed them out. Not that they don't deserve it in general, but in this instance they were innocent.

So, now I know who to blame, I head to the website to get the customer care number. That is when I come upon this:

Ok, they are working on it. Wait, what is this?
"For the latest information on the Verizon litigation..."

Litigation? What litigation? After a minute and a half on the website being fed the company line, I move on to google for the real story.

Vonage has no 'workaround' for Verizon technology

Hung up on Vonage

Verizon/Vonage Patent Infringement Suit: Does 3Com Actually Own the Deed?

I am pretty sure I am screwed.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

"As crooked as a dog's hind leg."

Wondering how this guy is still alive on American Idol? I don't know about you, but this kid makes my ears bleed. So, you might ask yourself, "How is he still on the show?" Well its a little thing called

It started up in 2004 but this is the year it has really taken hold, thanks to Howard Stern jumping on the band wagon. Recently the creator was interviewed on David Letterman.

Dave explains the VoteForTheWorst phenomenon.

Here Dave interviews Dave Della Terza, creator of and "one of the most powerful people in television, maybe, maybe in the world."

Considering that a person doesn't actually have to win American Idol to get a recording contract, who is really hurt by this, except maybe my bleeding ears?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Dude, I am not kidding!

When I say I am not a morning person, I am serious. I am not just cranky in the daytime, I cease to function properly when the huge orange ball is in the sky.

Yesterday I was sitting there minding my own business and my heart starting pounding out of my chest, then my eyes went blurry. One woman said 'oh, you are so pale' and two minutes later someone said, 'your face is so red'.

Now I am freaking out cuz I must really look bad if people are commenting, maybe I am taking a stroke?

My manager comes over to check on me, guess I must have freaked some people out. I went out and sat in the car for a bit, to get some air. I came back in and a few minutes later another manager came over to ask if I wanted to go lay down.

I wish I could describe it to you but it feels like I was drinking all weekend and showing up for work without any sleep. I felt ... seedy.

I tried to explain to them that you just can't take an old broad who is used to working 5pm -1am and expect her to be able to function properly in the light of day. And they had me scheduled for 9-5 for two weeks.

I went home early (about 3:30) and today when I showed up again at 9am I guess they figured I didn't look much better. They sent me home at noon, and told me that I could come in at 4:30pm tomorrow.

Thank Fuck! I honestly did not think I would make it.

I gotta go take a nap.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

How Geek Are You? Free Online Dating53% - Free Online Dating

I am a little disappointed, considering I am in tech support. I will have to work on this.

Monday, April 16, 2007

What the hell is the world coming to?

Virginia Tech Campus Reels From Shooting
That Leaves at Least 33 Dead

You can bet this will spark up the 'gun law' issue again. But I can't see the Yanks doing anything about it. Say one word about stiffer gun laws and a Yank will scream Second Amendment.

But do any of them even know what it says or how it was initially intended? I doubt it.

The Second Amendment, as passed by the House and Senate and later ratified by the States, reads:

“ A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. ”

If you think about when this thing was written, it makes sense. If the British show up you can round up the neighbors and defend the settlement. Guess what? The British ain't comin' anymore. Get with the fuckin' program.

I think it should just be illegal to have a gun. Period. Sure it might be dangerous for a while, but it would erase the line between criminal and honest citizen. You have a gun, your a criminal. Period, end of story.

Whoa! I can hear all you 'hunters' out there. Honestly, what possible reason could you really have for owning a semi-automatic? And would you really suffer if you had to hunt with an actual shotgun instead of a rocket launcher? Please don't piss on my head and tell me its raining.

I guess we are not sure yet how this guy got his weapon, but you can thank your 2nd amendment for making it easy for him to get one.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 04-15-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-i think therefore i am athen (Romania)(#6)
-tim horton's coffee cream (Winnipeg) (gave up after 3 pages)
-learner permit insurance florida allstate (Pensacola)(#17)
-ranking/statistics of film schools (Atlanta)(#1 BABY!)
-cliff notes for eva is inside of her cat (Atlanta)(gave up after 3 pages)
-customer service music on hold (Utah)(gave up after 3 pages)
-another label for translate page (Virginia) Ranked #1 for this one too.
-wacky intermission shows (Mississauga, Ontario)(#3)
-cleveland hopkins airport (Ohio)(gave up after 3 pages)
-where he from? french? (Minnesota)(gave up after 3 pages)
-nicest guitar (Washington) (#5) The Boy says you found it.
-LAWYERS VALLEY STREAM CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL (gave up after 3 pages) I guess this guy REALLY wanted to find a lawyer?
-diddin fishing company (Australia) I realize I am number one on this search but I swear to you I have never heard of it.
-toy baby alive zellers (Timmins, Ontario) (#5) Dude! I used to live there. (big wave) Not in Zellers....Timmins.
-fuck to sisterinlaw (India) (#4)If you ever hope to find anything you need to work on your english grammer.
-evil woman (California) (#5)

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Hanes Companies Inc (Winston Salem, North Carolina)
Spelman College (Atlanta, Georgia)
Wells Fargo And Company (San Francisco,)
Whirlpool Corporation (St. Joseph, Michigan)
State Of Montana Department Of Administration (Billings)
Danbury Public Schools (Connecticut)
Makemusic Inc (Minneapolis, Minnesota)
Mayo Foundation (Rochester, Minnesota)
Canadian Department Of Education (Halifax, Nova Scotia)
Standardbred Canada (Mississauga, Ontario)
Loudoun County Dept. Of Information Tech (Connecticut) That's what it says, I know, weird.
Royal Bank Of Canada (Toronto, Ontario)
Snap-on Tools (Japan)
Tgv Software Inc (Raleigh, North Carolina)
Durham College Of Applied Arts And Technology (Toronto, Ontario)
Dmx Music (Washington)
Headquarters Usaaisc (Azusa, California) Your military budget in action.
Hood College (Maryland)
City Of Tucson (Long Beach, California) I don't pretend to understand half of this shit.

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Do you play a few holes at the Oaks Golf Club? Or maybe grab a bite to eat at the Mansion Grille by the Lake?

Today is a Two-fer?

HINT: Ever grab a bite at the Roly Poly or maybe spend a little 'outdoor' time at Bryant Lake Regional Park??

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

This shit warms my heart.

This thing made me laugh so loud I almost pissed myself.

Especially the part where he actually fixes the guys problem.

This one had me in stitches, I used to love these calls. I knew exactly what he was not doing but since he was being such a rude asshole, I would drag it out. Too fucking funny.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Who the hell did I kill?

Today I had to start my new job working a noon to 8:30pm shift.

I am not good in the daytime, and I was not a happy camper having to get up before noon. But it is nothing to what is in store for me tomorrow. For some reason they looked at my historic schedule (for the last 4 years I have been night shift) and decided that 9am was a perfect start time for me.

WTF? Who the hell did I piss off? I have no idea. For the next week anyway I will be working 9-5. Hopefully that will not be my regular shift.

I was just relieved I didn't burst into flames when I stepped out the door today. I have real concerns for tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Just for fun.

For the kidnapper on the go, the ransom note generator can be a real time saver.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I really need to learn this, I may need it if this training doesn't start making sense very soon.

The past two weeks have consisted of the trainer scrolling through dozens of modules of a 7 year old curriculum telling us either 'you will never see this' or 'we don't support that'. Never has he given me one piece of information that I can use to troubleshoot an issue with the new product I will be supporting in 3 days.

I keep asking when I am going to get some useful information and he keeps blowing me off saying, "Oh after this module we will move on to troubleshooting." Well time is running out. But instead he keeps telling us about some obscure 'cool' little feature that no one will ever call about since it is so cool. Oh, and did I mention obscure?

The last straw was today, I am trying to get him to let us listen to a call, let us listen to him take a call. Anything. "We'll see." That is as much as I could get out of him. Then he comes out with. "If you highlight one email and press the space bar, you can scroll through all the email as well as the body of the emails, using just the space bar. Go ahead and play with that for a few minutes..."

I can't believe it. I lay my head in one hand and I start tapping really hard on the space bar with the other.

Tap, Tap, Tap. Bang! Bang! Bang! Louder Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

"What's wrong, Evel?"

"I - am - going - to - have - a - stroke, or an aneurysm."
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

"What do you mean?" Bewildered.

"You don't seem to understand how freaked out I am over the fact that you are not teaching me anything that I might possibly use on the phones." Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! Bang! Bang!

I am raising my voice now, they are all looking at me like I have lost my mind, and I am about to. "I will be taking calls in 3 days and you are wasting 5 minutes showing me that if I tap this f'ing space bar it will scroll through the email!" Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! Bang! Bang!

My vision is blurring and I can feel my pulse in my temple. "And it makes it so much worse that you don't realize why that would possibly upset me. I am about to take a fucking stroke!" Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! Bang! Bang!

He starts backing away, smart man. "Uh, lets take a ten minute break."

I am going to lose my mind. Or go postal.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Can you read me?

In case you haven't noticed, I now have a translator on the page. (its over on the right)

There are a few minor glitches. For instance, if you translate the page into Chinese, you can't translate from Chinese to another language. You have to return to the original page and translate it from English again. I am looking into a better one but this one will have to do for now.

I do see that a few people have already used it, that's kinda cool.

It was pretty simple to add to the blog. If you want to know how, head on over to Digital Inspiration and get the code.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 04-08-07
How people found this site.

-butt NAKED guys in kilts (New Jersey)If they are butt naked, how can they be in kilts? I'm just sayin'.
-touched by evel (Australia)Hmmm, Ausie accent? I might think about it.
-delta air lines inc (Bakersfield, California)
-treatment dog eye snot (Hamilton, Ontario)Sorry, my eye snot knowledge is limited to cats.
-algeria (Washington)
-how cold does it get in delta bc in winter (British Columbia)
-unblocked by peoplepc (Minnesota)
-picture of university verginia (Thailand)
-cingular (Redmond, Washington)
-when you're hung like a horse you don't need a harley to pick up chicks (Saskatoon)
-cats with snotting noses (Connecticut)
-starchoice fuck movies (Quebec)
-depo shot feel face (New Jersey)
-ancient city carthage (Brooklyn)
-superman emblems for suvs (Alaska)
-tunisia men fuck (Leicester, England)
-measure twice, cut once (Pennsylvania)
-upskirt (Redmond, Washington)You would think that there were better things to do on the home planet.
-tunisia almost good for every think (Tunisia)
-drive thru coffee trailer (Florida)
-stefispice (Phoenix)Ok, now I am curious.
-ticklish my feet my son tickle (Nebraska)
-cat sneezing snot all over (Florida) Enough with the cat snot already!

Aren't you supposed to be working/studying?

Siam City Bank Public Co. Ltd (Thailand)
New York University (Duh)
Chattam Financial Corp (Kennett, Pennsylvania)
Michigan State Government (Lansing)

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Maybe you hang out at Miles Goodwin Park? Or maybe Lace is more your style?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Guitar Number Four.

The Boy worked a couple of days for his father and has put his 'hard earned' money on a new guitar.

This will bring the guitar count to four but this will be the first acoustic/electric. He has never taken a lesson before, he always just taught himself. But now he wants to learn classical guitar, thus the acoustic.

Prepare yourself to be awed and amazed. Here she is!

The Cort SFX1F NS has a Solid Sikta Spruce Top, Venetian Cutaway, Mahogany Arch Back, Dovetail Neck Joint, Mahogany Sides, Rosewood Fingerboard, Satin Finish, Fishman Classic 4 Electronics

I share this description with you because I must commit it to memory and be suitable impressed and awed when he shows me the picture over and over and over and over. If I can not pull off the 'holy fuck that is the nicest guitar I have ever seen' then he will torture me with more pictures. More detailed pictures. Explain to me why I must be in complete awe of this guitar.

He only put it on lay-away today. This means unending torture for me until he gets it out of lay-away. He will talk about it, show me pictures and talk about it some more. He will try and figure out ways to get it sooner. He will plot and scheme. This will be the only discussion going on in my home until the stupid fucking guitar is in his possession.

And all the while there will be this underlying theme that it is somehow all my fault that he does not have it right now. He will blame me, for what? I don't know. Not sleeping with a richer guy? But he will not ask his father for one more red cent. It is not how The Boy works.

He will hound me, the one who lives paycheck to paycheck. The guy with 3 houses and as many cars, who owns his own business (building bridges for fuck sakes) gets off scott free, he would never dream of bothering TBF for some extra cash.

That is just not done.
Holy Shit! It's not rocket science.

I roll up to the speaker at the Horton's.

"Ya, I need two medium triple-triple's, a large double-double and two medium steeped tea with just milk."

I drive up to the window to pick up my order. I am alone in the car. Horton's Lady has the five cups ready to pass out the window.

"Would you like a tray with that?"

I give her my best 'are you on crack' face.

"Uh, no. You can just pour that directly into my lap."

I am pretty sure she hopes I find this under the rim.

Friday, April 6, 2007

55 Years!

I hadn't realized it had been kickin' for so long. All I knew is that it had been there for as long as I could remember.

There were 6 of us kids, in a station wagon. I couldn't say for sure if they took us all at once, but I remember dressing in our PJ's and taking a blanket and a pillow and heading for the car. Off to the drive-in. Mom would pack a lunch and dad would pick up the pepsi on the way.

Back then the speakers were on a pole. Large steel speakers that weighed a ton. And inevitably one person would drive away with it stuck in their window. If they were lucky the cord would break and not the glass.

The music isn't quite right on this one, but it is the same movie I remember. Well, everything before 2:37 anyway. Ours just repeated after that. We didn't get any of the other shit.

They actually tried to take it away a few times, one time it was kittens and puppies, not sure what the hell they were thinking. Anyhow, people expected to see this intermission show and enough people complained so they brought it back.

I remember being at the drive-in with The Boy's Father. We were baked, car filled with smoke, watching the intermission show in silence. Until TBF pipes up, dead serious, "That is one talented hot dog."

I know. And that was before I was even sleeping with him.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Living on borrowed time.

I am not sure what the fuck is going on with this guy. He either has lost his marbles or he has a death wish. The other day I almost granted it.

The Boy and I were watching CSI, Sammy was laying on the couch in The Boy's arms. A Rockwell painting.

Then Sammy, apparently deciding to end it all, got up and walked to the center of the living room floor. He looked at me and proceeded to piss on the bag of clothes I had ready to go to my brothers.


I screamed, grabbed him by the head, ran to the door, opened it and fired him out the door and off the deck. Took about 3 seconds, total.

FYI - he can not fly.

That is nothing compared to the screaming that went on when I turned around. I ran back into the living room, grabbed the bag and headed back for the door. I wanted to get it outside to clean it off. There is nothing worse than cat piss, I stop, The Boy needs instructions. I am standing with the bag, trying not to let it drip on the floor, screaming at The Boy.

"Boy! Get something to clean that up before it soaks into the carpet!" Notice I said 'BEFORE' it soaks into the carpet?

He is a typical man, he is staring at me like he has no idea what language I am speaking. Sitting there like Johnny Bench, waiting for something to happen.


He stands up and picks up a sock off the floor, "NOT THE SOCK! What the fuck is wrong with you? Get a rag."

Are you kidding me? I swear to God, Men do this shit so you will never ask them to do anything. He saunters into the kitchen to retrieve the rag from under the sink.

"Can you move your ass, before it soaks through to the basement for Christ's sake!" I have to get this bag outside, I leave him to it. A couple seconds later I am outside on the deck and the boy passes me and throws something off the deck into the woods. WTF? I already threw the cat, so it can't be that. I am almost afraid to ask.

"What was that?" Praying he was going to say the rag.

No such luck. He looks at me and matter-of-factly says, "The cordless phone."

I am speechless and have moved from hysterical to deathly calm in a split second. Calmly, "What?"

"There was piss on it."

I ask you, where do you even begin? At that point I had to go to my happy place or risk rupturing the vein that was pulsing at my temple.

Long story short. The living room still smells like cat piss.

I wonder if The Boy can fly?

Monday, April 2, 2007

Am I pissed?

I don't know, am I? I am just confused.

NOW WITH 18% Cream!

What? What were they giving me before? Is the old stuff better for me? Was it real cream?

I check the fridge. The stuff I buy is called Coffee Cream and it says 18%. It's not lite, I would never buy anything that says lite. So as far as I can tell I have been drinking the good stuff at home.

So, what the fuck were they giving me at Tim Horton's? Cat milk? I don't get it.

So I head on over to the Horton's website to get to the bottom of it. There is no mention that they were previously serving me milk that their summer camp attendees painstakingly milked from stray cats in Tatamogouche.

Sorry, no info there. Nothing useful anyway. Except for this little tim tidbit.

Steeped Tea (not available in Quebec)?
What objection could the French possibly have to steeped tea?

And while we are on the French, what the hell is 'French' vanilla anyway? Do they grow it in France? No they do not. Maybe it is that French vanilla is snottier than regular vanilla, ya think?

And while we are on the subject of WTF? Is this supposed to distract us from the fact this kid can't sing a fuckin' note?

This is what is wrong with America. They are calling in and voting for this kid, disregarding the fact that it is a SINGING competition. There can't be that many toned deaf people in the U S of A. Can there?

I am sick and cranky today, does it show?

Sunday, April 1, 2007


Inspired to learn more about the places from which my lurkers hail! I have been gathering names of countries from which I am getting hits on my blog. I intend to educate myself (a little bit) on the specific regions that my lurkers are coming from. And I think I will start off with one I had never heard of before. Ever.

Since I will never get on a plane again (long story) there is little chance I will ever go to any of these places, so I rely on the CIA - World Factbook for my information.

I also wanted to see if I was reaching each of the 50 states as well as each of the provinces and territories of Canada. So far I have a list of 45 US states and 10 of the 13 Canadian provinces and territories.

So without further ado, we start off the soon to be infamous series...
'So, where ya from?' with...[drum roll, please]

Tunis, Tunisia

Officially the Tunisian Republic.
Tunis is located in north-eastern Tunisia on the Lake of Tunis, and is connected to the Mediterranean sea's Gulf of Tunis by a canal which terminates at the port of La Goulette / Halq al Wadi. The ancient city of Carthage is located just north of Tunis along the coastal part.
Tunisia is in northern Africa, between the Mediterranean Sea and the Sahara Desert. It is bordered by Algeria in the west and Libya in the south-east. Much of the land is semi-arid and desert. The north of the country is mountainous, with a climate that is temperate with mild, rainy winters and hot, dry summers. The south of the country is dominated by the Sahara desert (40% of the country in fact).

* The Monty Python movie Life of Brian was filmed in Tunisia.
* Portions of The English Patient were filmed in Tunisia.
* Four of the Star Wars films (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith and Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope) were partly filmed in Tataouine, in the Tunisian Sahara. These scenes took place on the planet Tatooine.
* Desert scenes in Raiders of the Lost Ark were filmed in Tunisia.

Call me a geek, but what I found the most interesting was that out of a population of 10,175,014, only 953,800 are internet users. And one of those people found their way here.

So, if you are sitting somewhere in Tunis, surfin' the net and you are reading this?

"MarHaban". Welcome. Glad to have ya.

And another thing...

And as for the US and Canada?....A big "Hello" to the folks in Pocatello, Idaho and Whitehorse, Yukon Territory.