Monday, February 27, 2006

The morning after pill.

We have had it 'over the counter' here in Canada since April of last year. It's actually behind the counter and you have to ask the pharmacist for it.

People have a problem with consulting with a pharmacist and filling out the form. I don't see a problem. I had to consult with the pharmacist before she gave me my cholesterol medication, why not a pill to end a pregnancy? After all if you aren't wise enough to deal with your birth control before you have sex, maybe you need some advice from a heath care professional.

Women's advocates are jumping all over this, of course. But I doubt we are going to piss off many actual mature women. This is more for the teenager, who doesn't want to tell her parents that she is having sex. You have to take it within 24 hours, so it doesn't require you to consult a physician (good luck getting a doctors appointment that quick) all they ask is that you fill out the form (so your pharmacist can tell if you might be taking it too often and perhaps would benefit from a regular birth control method) and talk to the pharmacist.

No matter why you are taking it, it is medication, and you need to speak to someone who knows how it works and how it may effect you in the long term.

Suck it up, princess, and fill out the fuckin' form.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Deaf, dumb and nearly blind.

My computer took one look at me the other day and said, "Evel, I just don't think this is going to work out."

"Wait, what?"

"It's not you it's me. I am leaving you. Don't try to stop me."

"The fuck you are bitch, I paid for your ass, now get back here and make me a sandwich."

The skank whore asshole fucked off.

So, I figure it might just be the hard drive I installed. But after Sonny the Geek had time to look it over, he surmised that the mother board had given up the ghost. So he digs around in his little shop of horrors and comes up with another motherboard (in a cool mod case)and we slap the hard drive in it.

Sounds good eh? Well sound is not the best word to use here. There is no sound, or USB controller and since my video card was also toast the only one he could find was so old we can't even find drivers for it. So I am looking at 4 (count 'em) 4 colors. Sweet!

So we are searching the outer reaches of the geek universe to track down a driver cd for this mother board and a decent video card.

Who knew geeks were such hoarders?

Friday, February 24, 2006

It would make your head spin.

I went into the grocery store tonight. I had a hankerin' for some juice. I wasn't sure what kind I wanted, figured I would choose when I got there. I had thought my choice would be tropical, apple or orange. I could get really crazy and go for grapefruit, but hey, I was leaving it up to fate. I had had some at my sisters, couldn't remember what it was, I would know it when I saw it, right?

What I found at that grocery store was more than a little bit disturbing. There was an entire aisle of just juices. I stood there, baffled. How is anyone supposed to make a choice? There are just too many. I was getting really upset. Fuck it, I will go for the refrigerated kind. It wasn't much better there. There were a couple dozen kinds of just orange juice.

How is that possible? How can there be different kinds of orange juice? Oranges are oranges. With pulp, without pulp, grove stand, sugar free, less pulp, more pulp. Fuck, someone is obsessed with pulp. Then you move on to the dozen variations of orange combined with another fruit or combination of fruits. Row upon row upon row of juice. I was getting a headache.

Then I start thinking. Half this fucking store is dedicated to liquids of some form. Soda (every flavor even some I didn't approve of, not to mention the retro flavors, coffee (decaf, fine grind, regular grind, flavored, coffee free), tea (a kazillion flavors), water (how can there be so many choices of water?), fruit drinks, sports drinks (cocaine for the working class), milk (regular, 1%, 2%, soy, chocolate, chocolate soy, lactose free)and on and on. In every conceivable container and combination of flavors.

And don't get me started on the frozen drinks. I was upset. My 'quick' trip to the grocery store for juice became the quest for the holy grail. I was exhausted, and I don't even think I like the juice I got.

And the kicker? I didn't even see the flavor that my sister had. That meant there more choices than I was given.

Who the fuck needs this many choices in beverages? What is the world coming to? When you have 45 different kinds of apple juice but no cure for cancer. Put the fuckin' juice research money on that. Get your priorities straight.

And how was your day?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Greetings from India.

My sister sent some pics from India. So far she seems to be doing alright, except for maybe the fire in her hotel room. I am told it was totally not her fault. Anyway, on with the pictures.

This is a shot of the view as she landed at the airport. Does that airport look confusing to anyone else? Or is it just me?

This is her hotel, pretty posh, eh? She really knows how to rough it.

This one is the view from her balcony. Not sure what that is.

This is the guy that guards the hotel. I feel safe already. Love the uniform, although the sneakers don't match the toque.

This is a taxi. Doesn't look all that safe to me, but to each his own.

And just look where this poor girl is forced to have lunch. Every, single day.

Last but not least, here is the old girl atop one poor, sick, sad elephant. Yes, that nutt got on the back of an elephant. You may have to double click on the picture to get it started.

After she gets off, they decide to take another half hour to haggle over the price. I doubt I would have the time or patience for it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Dan must be Irish.

It appears the women didn't need the stupid loonie. They pulled it out with a 4-1 win against Sweden to win gold for Canada. Betcha that was a nail biter for Dan.

Canada hasn't done too bad with 6th overall in the medal standings with 14.

I notice that the 3 gold medals were all for, what I would consider, extreme sports. Hockey, Women's Moguls (if you have ever watched that, your heart is in your throat), and Men's Skeleton described as flat out, head first.(luge just wasn't scary enough)

So far, it is looking up for Dan. Most of the really rough athletes seem to be pulling it out. He just has to worry about that men's hockey team. Oh, and maybe the figure skaters, they can be a vicious bunch.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Keep your loonie in stick on the ice.

Canada is not doing well in this years Olympics, as far as hockey is concerned.

Ya think it might be because this asshole refuses to get with the program?

What is this idiot's problem? He's Canadian, ain't he? Someone needs to strip this dick whad of his toque.
"My job is to make the ice for everybody," Craig said.

Fuck off, Dan. You think for one second that if it was a yank making the ice he wouldn't slip a silver dollar in there for good measure?

Does this crayon not realize that athletes are the most superstitious people on the planet?

It has nothing to do with the loonie. It has everything to do with the fact that the athletes think it has something to do with the loonie. I don't know why he didn't just keep his trap shut and not say whether he did or didn't bury the stupid coin.

If those boys and girls don't come back with gold, good luck getting back into the country, Dan.

Gretzky's been through a lot, he could snap. I'm just sayin'.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

But I do hate you 'cuz your beautiful.

Emily's recent purchase made me think of this.

I am just coming off a 13 hour back-shift. I am dead tired, standing in line at the drug store, waiting patiently to pay for my coffee cream so I can get the fuck home before I drop. When up comes a couple of perky 20 something blondes.

One hands me a can and (in unison)they say, "Compliments of Red Bull!" They are way too happy and perky. I have an uncontrollable urge to snap their necks. I could do it too, neither of them were a hundred pounds soaking wet.

The cashier and I are stunned into silence. They smiled, waved and hopped into this:

"I can't believe I went to college, and the Boobsey Twins there get to make a fortune riding around in that, looking cute and passing out cans of caffeine for a living."

The cashier looks at me with a blank stare, "I have a bachelors degree, I want them to die in a fiery crash."

We are both going straight to hell.

And how was your day?

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Hold please....forever.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I just bought ten thousand dollars worth of computers with 'consumer specific, media enhanced software' on them and I want to connect them to my domain."

"That software will not connect to a server, it was not designed for that, you need professional software."
Figured that was the end of the story.

"I know it won't do it now, I want you to make it do it."

"Excuse me? That software was designed with home users in mind, to turn their home computer into a home entertainment system. It is not designed for connection to a company domain. It has very limited networking capabilities, and domains will reject it because it does not have the required security for a domain environment."

I figured this would be the end of it. He bought the wrong thing and he needs to reevaluate his purchase and contact the OEM.

"I know what I bought, I know that it was not meant for this, but I want it to do it. I am willing to pay for it. I want you to connect me with someone who can get this done."

"I have noone who can do it."

"Connect me to the media pc people."

"Well that is a consumer group, they will not be able to help you connect this to the domain."

"Then give me a domain person."

"The domain techs will not touch the consumer product. They will just tell you it can't be done."

"I know there is someone who can do this, I will hold."

"Sir, I am sure there is some developer on this planet that could rig this up for you but I don't know who that is."

"Fine, I will hold till you find him."
Are you kidding me? What does this guy want? David Copperfield? "Mamme, I am not going away, I will stay on hold till you produce a developer that can get this done for me."

I am losing patience with this guy. "Sir, I cannot 'produce' a developer that can do this by the end of my shift. I need at least nine months for that. And that is if I start right now."

The broken record replied, "I'll hold."

I will spare you the tirade about the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ being the most technologically advanced company and all the money Bill makes. The usual crap. I was about to tell him that this is not 'Pimp my Ride' but I bit my tounge.

"Look sir, this is premier and developer support, but I cannot give you a developer that can do this. He just does not exist here. And I cannot leave you on hold till he does."

"Fine, give me your manager."

He gets my manager, who tells him that we cannot make the software magic and there is no solution for his problem. He proceeds to tell my manager that I promised him a developer. (He neglected to tell him that I intended to give birth to it.) He wants to hold for my manager's manager. It is 10:30 pm, he is not in. He offers a callback, he wants to hold. My manager refuses.

This crayon calls back 5 more times and gets everyone else still in the center, he will not go away. Finally one of the other managers takes him.

"You want to hold till my manager comes in in the morning? Fine."

He was still holding when we left the center at 1am. I am sure this guys company will be a resounding success.

And how was your week?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Just come home, Wayne.

We told you that bitch was just after your money. But you wouldn't listen. Now look what she has done. She took you from home and set you up in Hollywood. We didn't miss the fact that it was only days after marrying her that you left for tinsel town.

You were caught up on the hype. We understand, she was an yank actress, wholesome looking, cute as a button. Although no one had ever seen anything she had ever done.(except maybe Playboy) She said she was an actress and your a trusting sort, you believed her. We gave her the benefit of the doubt, we figured a nice boy like you wouldn't marry a conniving bitch. We were wrong, so were you. Just come home Wayne, before she takes you down.

No one here believes you had anything to do with this. Just come home, let that bitch twist in the wind.

Just yell 'Car!', and when she is dragging the net off the street, you could be half way to Brantford before the skank knows what hit her.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I can't understand why anyone would make fun of these people...

3 dead in renewed cartoon violence in Pakistan

In case you missed the sarcasm, are you kidding me? Cartoon violence?

It's almost a shame that Gee Dubya spends so much time and money on invading occupying liberating these countries. Seems to me, he should just work on a covert way of mass birth control. Then all he has to do is sit back and wait for them to kill each other. Problem solved.

And another thing ...

I don't pretend to know dick all about politics, so don't comment on my lack of understanding of the bigger picture. No matter what the big picture is, it is still rediculous and I just don't give a shit.

In other news ...

Perhaps Gee Dubya should think twice before he pisses off the VP. Just a thought.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Things are strange at 4 o'clock in the AM.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ my name is blah blah blah..."

Call starts of normal enough. Problem with the server, idle chit-chat while I create the case. Had a little problem with the premier account number, decide to call the technical account manager to staighten it out.

"Matt, I am just going to place you on hold while I straighten this out with your TAM, I won't be a moment."

"Ok, but I am going to place you on hold as well."

"That's fine, if you are not there when I get back I will wait for you."

"Ok, placing you on hold now..."
I can hear him clear his throat.

And this is what I hear...I kid you not! He starts to sing, "Ma Na Ma Na.. doo doo da doo doo, Ma Na Ma Na....doo doo doo dooooo."

I lost it! It was the song from Sesame Street and he was singing it!

"Hey, this is not the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™™, I can't afford hold music!"

We were both laughing so hard we couldn't speak.

The later the hour, the nuttier the IT guy gets.

And how was your day?

Saturday, February 11, 2006

...but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.

I have been back on 5-1 for this past week and I have to say, I have been having a ball.

There are lots of people around, (for me to make fun of) and lots going on. And the best part of all? After 8 hours I am out of there. On that other shift (that we will not mention) after 8 hours I still had 5 to go.

What the fuck was I thinking? I thought I would miss the 4 days off, but so far I am not. I am actaully going to see my son play hockey this weekend.

An update on my sister in India. If you can believe it, she called tonight for me to help her connect to the internet from work. She is standing in the office with the tech guy asking me what to do.

Holy shit, I know enough to be dangerous. I realize that compared to her I am Stephen Hawkings, but if you are standing in an office with a tech guy, you do not call Nova Scotia and ask your sister(the tech router) how to get connected wirelessly to the server.

Then she puts the tech on the phone? WTF? As I said, I am a tech router. I know enough to be dangerous and enough to know which technician to send you to when you pooch your system. I can't tell someone on the other side of the planet how to connect to his own system. The system that he, no doubt, set up in the first place. However, I am skeptical as to his experience when he tells me (in an accent that sounds like he is talking under water) that he will try that and come back. What? Try what? What did I say?

My sister comes back on the phone, "Where did he go?" I say.

"Oh, looks like he is going to try to get reception outside." What? Where did they get this guy? "I don't understand it, the guy beside me is connecting ok to the internet." Seems like there is a group of them there, all trying to get on the internet.

"And you have no problem with some strange guy walking out of the building with your brand new laptop?"

"Uh, oh no, people aren't like that here. Besides they frisk all the men on the way out of the building."


After pulling a few teeth trying to get some information out of the other members of her mensa party, we figure out that the reason the guy beside her is able to connect wirelessly to the internet is that he is using a device that connects to his cell phone to piggy back onto the internet. Like a fancy dial-up connection. There is no server in the building.

"Are you sending launch codes or something?"


"Is there some reason you have to get connected right now?"

"No, was going to send some emails."

"Then just wait till you get back to the hotel and send them, leave that poor little man alone before he tries to climb a tree to get a signal."

My mistake was that I dazzled her earlier today with remote assistance, now she thinks I am magic.

And how was your day?

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Bon Voyage!

Well my sister is on her way to India and she is taking most of Canada with her.

I realize that India is a foreign country, but it is not another planet. She spent the week buying non perishable food items, and stuffing them in her bags. She often goes over the top, but we love her anyway.

She is staying at a five star hotel for Pete's sake, I think they will have toilet paper. Or maybe not. I know this image would upset my sister to no end. So lets not show it to her, ok?

At any rate, this would disturb her even more.

She also is wired to the teeth with electronics. Laptop, webcam, digital camera. She is freaked out cuz she can't get a cell phone that will work in India.

"Adele, they have phones in India." (I should know, I talk to India every single day, unfortunately.)

Take last night, for instance. Tech from XP calls in, the case is for Outlook, he wants me to redirect him. I explain to him that he should have just called through to Outlook instead of waiting on hold with the customer(approx. 10 minutes)to speak to me. I am getting the transfer code for him and he gets all superior with me.

"This case is not to come back to XP for any reason."

"Excuse me?"

"I want your company alias."

"I got your company alias..."

I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but I know what goes into XP tech training. You have no degree, or fancy title. You have no power here little man! Good luck getting through again, enjoy the hold music, asshole!

Sunday, February 5, 2006

Don't be alarmed.

And just like that, it is gone. After Wednesdays blizzard, we are looking at a high today of 10 degrees with a forcast of 4 degrees for Monday. (translation for the yanks, 10 degree Celsius = 50 degree Fahrenheit)

I know there are a lot of people out there that think that we have screwed the ozone and that all this whacked out weather is the result of it.

I am sure it is just a coincidence.

Oh, and it looks like I found my shovel.

Friday, February 3, 2006

Filed under WTF?

50 Cent is planning on writing childrens books.

I can't imagine any mothers buying these books. Unless, of course, he goes for that previously untapped violent crack whore market.

An ever growing demographic.

Recycling a great word.

I am returning an MP3 player for warranty. I walk into staples and head to the electronics desk. The ditzy blond at the cash register looks at me and indicates her register. "I can take you here."

"I need electronics, I will wait."

She stands there with a vapid look on her face. "I can take you here."

"You will only have to send me back over here, I need electronics."

It's like I am speaking another language. "I can take you here."

I am clearly not getting through to her, I gather up my stuff that I have laid out for the electronics guy and head over to her register.

"Is this everything?" Is this chick on crack? Is she not seeing the broken MP3 player? Does she think I am planning on buying the clearly old, broken MP3 player?

"Uh, I am returning this for warranty."

"Ok, you will have to take that to electronics."
Why didn't I think of that? Back to electronics I go. The vapid blonde closes her register and moves to electronics.

"Can I help you?" I kid you not, I had to tell her again that I was returning it.

"Do you have a service number?"

"No, do I need one?"

"Ya, you have to call in and get one."

"Ok, lets do that then, who do I call?"


"Uh, I am in Staples."

"You have to call the service desk and get a service number."

"Can we call from here?"

"No, you go to that phone over there and phone the service desk."

I am not amused, the boy sees this and starts to inch away from me. "I have to go over there and call Staples, a store I am incidentally standing in and get a service number to take to Staples, the store I am in right now?" She looks at me as if none of it sounded the least bit out of the ordinary to her.

I head to the other end of the store to make the call. I am ranting the whole way and people are looking at me like I have lost my mind, and believe me I am close to it. "If that stupid bitch answers the phone at the 'service desk' I am going to strangle her." She is lucky, I actually had to call a chick in India. I get my service number and head back across the room.

Same chick, "Can I help you?"

I realize it's not brain surgery, but for fuck sakes, can they get someone working there that has a couple of brain cells?

That is it. I am taking back the word retarded. Cuz mentally disabled and mentally challenged has been around long enough for me to have retarded back. I need to be free to pin the label 'retard' firmly on the forehead of who it really applies to. Stupid blond chicks who work at Staples.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Keep it coming.

We are in the middle of a blizzard. Suprisingly enough, this time they warned us and they were right. I was promised a blizzard last week and was lied to.

Most people are upset, but I love storms. It means not only that I can not get out, but that no one can get in either. I can sit around in my bunny slippers and sip hot chocolate and watch tv, or surf the net unbothered by the outside world.

I realize that this is not as bad as White Juan, but I will watch my car to see if it gets buried. That is always a fun activity.

These pictures are not very clear, I took them through the window, cuz I am not a sucka! I am going nowhere.

The neighbors are always entertaining. These two are apparently brain surgeons or rocket scientists who must get out of their homes no matter the cost to life and limb. I have no idea where they think they need to be so badly but it never fails, they start early and are usually mobile before noon.

Fuck that, I ain't moving. As long as the power does not go out I will be fine. If it does I will no doubt lose my mind.

Film at eleven.

Crazy neighbor UPDATE

I don't know where the fuck he thinks he is going, he's like 80 if he is a day.

He is late, its almost one in the afternoon. Slow going I guess. They will perhaps have to delay the shuttle launch.

Notice the 991 sign at the end of his driveway, its almost burried.