Sunday, February 29, 2004

Nothing to lose.

I have applied for a team manager position at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I don't think I have a hope in hell of getting it, but I want to go through the process to see what it is like. And it will make it less stressful if I go through it a couple of times.

It's not that I think I can't do the job, or that I am not qualified, it's just that everyone and their fucking dog is applying, so the odds of me getting it are astronomical.

Anyway, it has been a while since I have gone through the interview process, and even though I did get an interview for the job I have now, I seemed to have blocked out parts of it.

Like the behavioral interview questions.

"What is your typical way of dealing with conflict? Give me an example." Punching them in the head at this point would not be acceptable, I'm thinking?

"Give me an example of a time when you had to make a split second decision. " Do I fall on my sword or just use my belt to hang myself.

"Give me an example of a time when something you tried to accomplish and failed. " Well, this isn't going exactly as planned.

"Tell me about a time when you missed an obvious solution to a problem. " Finally a question I have actual examples of. (a file cabinet full)

I feel like a fuckin' infomercial for the Popiel Pocket Evel. She slices, she dices, she leaps small children in a single bound!

I suppose all of this makes more sense than the old interview questions.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" To which I reply,

"Your job looks pretty good."


"Sorry, its obsolete."

"Ok, I have a newer version"

"Then its $300 to talk to tech, but when they find out its older they will hang up and you will lose the $300."

"WHAT? Last time I called it was $40?"

"Last time you called it was a consumer product. This product is professional and its $300."

"Ok, I have a problem with the consumer product."

"Ok, they are closed, call back in the morning."


"Professional tech support - $300."

"Then let's just say....."

"Lets not and say we did."

Thursday, February 26, 2004

We will get along fine, as soon as you realize I am God.

Still recovering from the Great Brain Fart Blizzard of 2004. And yes we are still under a few feet of snow and we are running out of places to put it.

Ok, begin rant.

Subtitled: Who teaches these people how to drive?

Men, they are fine with traffic signals, equally competent with the concept of four way stop, but knock out the traffic light and they lose brain cells right along with it.

To the idiot across from me at the broken traffic light: Flashing red lights do not mean that we need you to be the fucking traffic cop. We totally understand the concept of the four way stop. (which comes into effect when the traffic light is busted) But apparently you did not get the memo.

I know it is a radical concept, but here goes. You take turns. As soon as the person on my left goes his way, it then becomes my turn.

DO NOT WAVE ME THROUGH! There are other male of the species involved in this complicated manoeuvre, you will only confuse them.


End rant

Friday, February 20, 2004

And now for something completely stupid.

As I am watching my car get burried

(taking pictures and everything so I can't even say I was suprised in the morning) I am also fully aware that the 15 or 20 feet directly behind my car remains completely bare. With just the last 5 feet or so blocked in.

So, why didn't I just move the fucking car? Total brain fart, that's why! Now I have to shovel the stupid car out, and hope that it will start.

And when I do, I have this to look forward to.

It doesn't show signs of stopping...

Ok, so it might be more than a bit.

I might have a bit of trouble getting the old girl to start. They haven't actually sent any snow plows out yet cuz it is still coming down. The snow down the entire length of our street (not just drifts) is about 3 feet deep. They are only clearing the main roads and highways. The kids are gonna love it. That is, until I make the boy shovel out the car.

Environment Canada Weather Forecast
Pictou county
Issued at: 4.00 PM ast Thursday 19 February 2004
Blizzard warning in effect.
Tonight..Snow at times heavy and blowing snow ending overnight then cloudy. Further amount 15 to 20 cm. Wind north 70 km/h gusting to 100. Low minus 8.
Friday..A mix of sun and cloud. Clearing in the afternoon. Occasional blowing snow. Wind northwest 40 km/h gusting to 60 diminishing to 30 in the afternoon. High minus 3.

Saturday..Cloudy with 70 percent chance of flurries. Low minus 11. High minus 2.
Sunday..Snow or rain. Windy. Low minus 3. High zero.
Monday..Flurries. Windy. Low minus 5. High minus 3.
Normals for the period..Low minus 9. High minus 1.

They declared a state of emergency in Nova Scotia and PEI, although I don't see what the big deal is. Now if I had been out of smokes, that would have been catastrophic. But as it is, I am just enjoying my day off without anyone bothering me. Well, except for the boy, who is driving me out of my gourd wanting to go sledding at the height of the storm. My little Rhodes scholar.

The power didn't go off, it didn't start raining (which would be an absolute bitch), its just snow. The skiers are gonna love it. The kids are gonna love it. I am gonna love it. Cuz I love to drive in it. Not while its coming down, mind you, but after it has landed.

They practically closed down work, which is very rare. At the beginning of the day they were offering to pay for cabs if anyone needed a ride into work. Then they were calling them all and telling them to stay home. The didn't do any of that for Juan. Pretty much everything else was shut down, the malls, grocery stores as well as the rail car plant where most of the people who don't work at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� work.

Wouldn't you know, all this shit happens on my regular days off. I swear sometimes they check my schedule to see if it will in any way benefit me before they do things. Pizza day? Let's see, looks like Evel is off that day, its a go. Phones are down? We should get those back up before Evel gets here.

And now this, I knew Bill was powerful but I never thought he had the Lord in his corner. "Hey, Lord? Evel is off for two days, you know all that snow you have been saving? Go for it dude!"

Only Bill could call the Lord 'Dude' and get away with it.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Ok, so it's snowing a bit.

Can I have some of that 'magic' software?

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah..."

"I installed this software on my desktop and now I can' t find it."

Ok, we look and look and look. "I don't understand it, it should be there. Let's get that product ID and get you through to technical support."

He gives me an ID for a completely different product." Um, I thought you told me it was product A? But the ID if for product B, perhaps it was not installed correctly." I am getting ready to transfer him to tech support when he says,

"Well, this is my laptop, does that make a difference?"

OF COURSE NOT, DON'T BE REDICULOUS! IT'S MAGIC SOFTWARE! It can jump from one computer to another by the power of suggestion!

FUCK....ME! No wonder I had a headache all night long.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Good Morning Canada, over night tonight expect 50+ centimeters of snow!

You know what? I have just about had it with the snow. I am done.

Now, there are places that have winter all year long and places that have summer all year long. Why is there not a place on this fuckin' planet that has spring or fall all year long? That is where I want to live.

I don't like summer, way too hot and, of course, there are the bugs to contend with. Then there is winter, I do enjoy snow, for about 20 minutes on Christmas Eve, then it gets old really fast.

I suppose if I had my choice between summer and winter, winter would win out. It is much easier to get warm than it is to stay cool. And, did I mention the bugs? Not a bug person.

So, right now we are looking at 50+ centimeters overnight, one of the girls at work messeges me that maybe we can get the day off work. Ya, right? What do you think this is? Toronto? Here in Nova Scotia, we don't call in the military for every little thing.

Monday, February 16, 2004

Keep it to yourselves, girls!

I am always teasing Mr. Spilly Pants (aka The Coffee Guy) about his women. This guy always seems to have women hanging around him. I like to call them his Harem. I think it is because the man stinks of married. Most women can smell that shit off a guy and its like catnip. I love to tease him, cuz he gets as red as a beet when I do.

Anyway, I was teasing him the other day about it, saying that when he wears this particular shirt (a soft fabric) the chicks always come up to him and touch it. So I guess he tells the wife about this (Hey Buffy) and he shows up to work tonight, wearing the shirt with this pinned to it.

I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose, and I don't even drink milk.

You rock, Buffy!

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Natural Selection, there has got to be a better way.

We got through Friday the 13th and a full moon without too much problems at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. However, we did not fair as well for Valentine's Day.

Who calls with computer problems on Valentine's Day? Pretty much who you would expect. Just look up 'dumb as dirt' in the dictionary and you will see their picture.

After telling Dave I was NOT a technician, he procedes to tell me, in detail, his problem.

"Ok, Dave, what I need is the product ID, can I help you find it?"

"Uh, 0-0-3-e-l-q-r-..."

"No, its in the software..."
I have no idea what that number is.

"Ok, but I am having trouble setting up this email and ..." he is expecting me to deliver technical support.

"Dave, as I said at the beginning of the call, I am not a technican. I have to determine what software you have and then we can discuss your support options, what I need is the product ID"


"No, Dave, that is not the ID, can I help you find it?"

"Oh, here's one x0008ef...."
he cuts me off, why the hell do they call me if they think they know what they are doing. Don't try and fake it people, it doesn't work.

"No, Dave, let me help you, click on the start menu...", he finally finds the screen we are looking for.

"707-999....(he stops) but the problem I am having is getting my email to....."

"DAVE! In order to help you I have to have the ID, without it I can not send you through for technical support."

"Well what number do I call for technical support?"
Holy sweet Jesus.

"This is the number but I have to get your information and determine if you have warranty support and send you on to technical."

"Ok, the trouble I am having is getting my email to....."
Holy Shit!

What I want to say........"Ok Dave, what floor are you on? The fifth? Ok, open the window and throw yourself out. Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

What I do say, "Ok, NOT a technician, just read that ID to me and we can continue."

"Oh, I thought I was calling tech support, must have dialed wrong....."

Are you kidding me? He hung up.

I often wonder, how on God's green earth these people manage to get themselves a computer? I mean, they have to have some source of income right? How do they maintain that job?

I am sure at one point in their day they would have to cross the street and with natural selection, they should have been weeded out long ago.

So I probably shouldn't worry about Dave calling back. There is a bus out there with his name all over it.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Notorious or�s a toss up!

I walk into the grocery store today to pay my power bill. This is Canada, we multi task here, it�s just way too fucking cold to be getting in and out of the car any more than we have to. Anyway, I walk into the store and one of the check-out girls looks at me and says, �Hey, Evel, heard you tore a strip off some guy at the rink the other night?�

�Your kidding.�

�Nope, it�s all over town. One of the mothers said, �some fool said something stupid in front of Evel and she went up one side of him and down the other.� I laughed till I choked, wish I had have been there. Call me next time?�

�I don�t plan these things.�
Well I don�t!

I am the kind of person that does not keep things bottled up inside. I will not mull stuff over, I will not count to ten and then respond. I do not let things bother me. And if you talk about me behind my back, better make damn sure I never find out cuz I will call you on that shit.

For example. Barbie (not her real name, just what I call her, stick figure, blonde, you get the idea) decides she is going to sit with us one night at work, cuz we have �all the fun� as she puts it. She starts to set up her computer and I get a call. I am trying to get Mr. BigShot�s info and all I hear is her high pitched voice. I look at her and give the sign. I point to my ear and mouth the words, I AM ON THE PHONE! She proceeds to apologize, ����.loudly�����.to me!

I shoot her a look that would kill, all the while talking sweetly to Mr. BigShot with my finger in my other ear. She persists, �I didn�t know I was talking that loud, I will shut up now.� But she doesn�t, she has some sort of verbal diarrhea. Finally, I turn around and give her both fingers, TWICE! She shuts up, and I finish the call.

As soon as I hang up, I turn to her and point to my ear, �When I do this, it means SHUT THE HELL UP!� Then I give her the fingers again and say, �And when I do this?� (both fingers thrust into the air in front of her face) �It means you have 2 fucking seconds to shut your yap, before I back hand you, kapiche?�

I am a nice person, but if I don�t like where you got it, I can tell you where to put it.

Monday, February 9, 2004

I am Hockey Mom!

I am at a game the other night cheering the boy on. The other team (best in the league) begins with assuming they are going to beat the pants off our team. They usually do, so no stretch of the imagination there, they have twice as many kids on their team, not to mention 2 goalies. But at the end of the second period, they are 1-1. Now the team is starting to get frustrated and, with that, a little dirty. No biggy, the boys are tough, they can take it.

Everyone is cheering, but of course you can�t hear anything, but there is one guy. I can hear he is upset, but not what he is saying. At the end of the game, as they prepare to shake hands, (we lost 4-2) I see our coach turn to the stands and yell, �Games over buddy, knock it off.� WTF?

The coach tells me that this asshole was screaming at my son, saying he was a �Fucking Rat!� Do you believe that shit? My son is 13 years old and this guy was 45 if he was a day. And at that moment he comes strolling by me. Oh, I don�t think so.

�Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are?� He stops, stunned.

�That was my son you were screaming at. If you ever speak to him or any kid that way again, I will take you out into the parking lot and I guarantee you that you will not like it!� I am invading his personal space and he is clearly uncomfortable with it.

�How old are you anyway, asshole? Those kids are 12 and 13, and you were acting 5. How dare you call my son a fucking rat?�

�Well he is a rat.�
he tries to walk away from me after that comment. I grab him by the front of his jacket, and am right up in his face now.

�Listen here, dick wad, you just said that in front of the President of our league, 10 hockey moms and 4 coaches. We will all be filing complaints with the Minor Hockey Association. You so much as sneeze at another game and you will never see your son play hockey again in this lifetime. You got me, asshole? And I would march you right in that dressing room by your balls (if you had any) to apologize right this minute, but I wouldn�t have the likes of you within 10 feet of my son. You can fuck off now, you are dismissed!�

The mother�s are all standing around open mouthed. When I turn around, I looked at them. �What?"

I�m a hockey mom, do not fuck with me or the boy!

Sunday, February 8, 2004

Must have dialed the phone with his face.

�...its asking me for a qualifying product.�

�The version you have is an upgrade version, you have to have a previous version installed before it will work.�

�I have to buy two versions?�

�No, Sir, the version you bought was an upgrade, it upgrades a previous version. It is not a full version. That is why it was half the price of the full version. If you don't have a previous version I can instruct you on how to get your money back for it, and go out and buy a full version of the product.�

�How could you sell a product that was not a full version, I should be able to install this and have it work. I want to speak to tech support.�

Ok, maybe he doesn�t understand the Queen�s English.

�Certainly, Sir, but they won�t be able to help you without a previous version of the product. You can�t upgrade something you don�t have. Buying new tires for a car you don�t have, doesn�t make the car magically appear.� He didn't enjoy the analogy, he is screaming now.

�I can�t believe you people put out a product that doesn�t have the whole fucking program on it, that is ludicrous!� I can�t believe they sell tires that aren�t attached to new cars, but that's just me.

I start to talk over him, he is still ranting about the boss having more money than God, but that is just crazy, everyone knows God doesn't use money. Jeez! �Well we put out the upgrades so that you don�t have to buy the full version every time you want to be current with your software, and we sell them for half the price of a full version.�

�That�s crazy, you can�t put out software that is not complete!�
Is this guy for real? Am I on camera? I stand up and have a look around.

�Well, Sir, I can give you instructions on how to get your money back for this product and you can go out and buy a full version, that would have the complete program on it.�

�But that one is twice the price of this one!�
By George, I think he's got it!

�I explained why they are different prices, One is an upgrade, so basically we are giving you a break if you are a previous customer. If you do not have a previous version, you have to pay the full price.�

�You people are just trying to make me pay more money!� Ok, that did it.

I have a rule. If you say �you people� twice in a conversation, you will be mysteriously disconnected. Hardly matters, I don�t think this guy could actually work the software even if he somehow got it installed.

I am pretty sure you have to have opposable thumbs.

Saturday, February 7, 2004

Five signs of the apocalypse?

The boys father taking him to a game.
The boys father picking him up and keeping him all day.
The boys father going sledding with three kids on crazy carpets.
The boys father cleaning off my car while he waited for said kids to use the bathroom.
The boys father coming into contact with me no less than five times today and each time having a civil conversation.

Don't go buying any green bananas.

Surfin' dude!

This made me laugh out loud. Head on over to Bad News Hughes for some life lessons.

My favorite is: "Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later.

Friday, February 6, 2004

I am not fit for humanity, until I have had my coffee.

Went for coffee this morning (and, no, I did not drag an airplane behind me with my teeth) then stopped for cigarettes. The store was packed. Wasn't sure what was going on so I asked the girl in front of me what the deal was.

"Super 7 is 32.5 million tonight."

That explains it. So I am waiting my turn, and thinking that my coffee is getting cold (damn) the girl in front of me is telling me how she picks up the tickets for all the employees down at the bank and that they were doubling up this week because the jackpot was so high. I tell her that she has talked me into it, I would have to get a ticket also.

After she gets her tickets and leaves I tell the cashier, "Give me a Super 7." and I stand there trying to disguise an evil grin.

Am I a lottery player, you might ask? No, all I can think of is how pissed off she would be if she found out that the winning ticket was pulled right after she left.

And she will find out. She works at my bank.

Dude, I know exactly how you feel.

All that snow and not a single thing to smother with it.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

Do not get between me and Tim!

I get up today and go for my morning coffee. I am a bear until I get it. Of course I don�t wait for the car to warm up. That would take precious time in which I could be already drinking my coffee. (Stay with me here.) I get to Tim Horton�s and am next to get to the drive-thru speaker, there is a line of cars behind me. I am sitting there, waiting impatiently, when I hear the sound of a car trying to start. Common enough at this time of year, in this part of the world.

I remember thinking, �sucks to be them�. I am still thinking this 5 minutes later when I realize the sound is coming from the truck in front of me. SHIT!

So, do I sit there in my now warm car and stew? Honk my horn? Shout obscenities? No, I get out of my car and walk up to the window of the truck. The woman inside is mortified. �I am so embarrassed�, she says.

�No worries, just put 'er in neutral, I�ll push you out of the way.�

I will what? Did that come out of my mouth? I didn't even stop to consider if I was physically able to push this half ton truck through the snow on a flat surface. Too late for thinking, I get behind the truck and start to push, this could get ridiculous real fast, especially with an audience. I have her pushed almost all the way when an old guy joins me. (a little late, and pretty much useless, the man was 80 if he was a day).

As I push her into the parking lot, the girls who are working the window are hanging out of it yelling, �Never send a man to do a woman�s job!� I guess they noticed the 5 or 6 strapping young men who did not get out of their cars to help.

I run back to my car thinking I might have to give the old guy CPR, he was breathing pretty hard. I get to the window and the girl says, �Its on the house, sweetie. God bless ya for helping that lady.� Sweet!

As I am driving away, I start to laugh. You see, I hadn't really thought of it as charitable. That truck was between me and my caffine. It could have been a semi and I would have pushed it uphill in a snowstorm for my morning coffee.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004


The money just appeared in my account. So I guess he wasn't too pissed off at my comments.

Long way home.

"I would like to know exactly what is the problem with putting my money back in the account?"

"There's no problem, if it isn't there in a couple of hours, call back."

"Well it has been a week. Can you tell me what is involved, maybe I just don't understand the process. I mean, do you have to walk it from Toronto to Halifax? Do you have to count it out in pennies first, roll it out, then walk it from Toronto to Halifax? Cuz if that is the case, I totally understand the hold up. That's like 1800 kilometers, and on foot that could take a while."

So, I am trying not to piss this guy off. No, really, I am. But I am losing patience. I am just coming up on the two hour mark and I am getting very pissed off.

Does it show?

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

Some boys never grow up.

Today is the 'boy's birthday and although he is trying to be grown-up about it, he is not impressed. 24 hours have come and gone and "SUPRISE!" the bank has not returned my money. We have made plans for a celebration of movies and pizza Friday night and he is looking forward to it, but he is still not impressed.

I called the boys father the other day when all this began and had a screaming match explained to him that he would have to step the fuck up and take care of the birthday thing this year. Needless to say I had to dumb it upspell out the whole thing to him, this is what he wants, have a cake, feed him, that sort of thing. Oh and I am not stupid enough to leave it up to him. Once I finished tearing him an new one giving him instructions, I called his mother and told her what I expected the father to do. That was an evil thing to do, because his mother will nag him till he loses his mind. Ok, so I had considered that before I called her and to me, it was a plus.

Even though he was given instructions, I have told the boy not to expect much. I told the father what the boy wanted exactly, but I am almost positive he will just hand the cash over to the boy. Makes ya all warm and fuzzy inside, don't it?

I have to say that after I finished tearing him an new one talking to the boys father I was all hyped up, so I called him back and added a few things. "The boy has hockey today, be here at 4." Didn't give him a chance to respond. Here is the amazing thing, he actually showed up, drove the boy to hockey, entered the rink and stayed for the entire game.

Ok, you are not getting the significance. The boy has been in hockey for 4 years, this would be the father's second game. He always comes up with one excuse or another but this time I didn't give him a choice.

You see the boys father and I have been split up for 13 years, and he acts like I just punched him in the face yesterday. (which if he keeps it up can be arranged) Get over it already! He refuses to have a civil conversation with me and acts like he is 12. I am seriously not kidding, he has actuallys said the words, "I know you are, but what am I?" to me.

The other problem is that the boy, who is in fact, twelve wants me to call and ask his father this and that. I try to explain that when I call, the father says no right off the bat, just because it was me that asked. He somehow feels that to do whatever it was I asked him to do would somehow make me happy and that is not something he is prepared to do. I tell the boy, if you ask he will say yes, but the boy is 12, he doesn't get it.

So I let the boy listen in on one of our conversations, after which the boy asked, "Does he always talk to you that way?"

"Yes, boy, he is 12. Every single time I call, he talks to me that way, now do you get it?"

"Ya, I get it, but I still ain't talking to him."
Great, that worked out well. At least now he knows why I hate to do it. Even if it doesn't make him want to deal with it himself. I am hoping that as the boy gets older he will start to get pissed off and demand from his father what he should have gotten all along. Start calling him on some of the shit he does.

Because after today, the boy will be the older of the two.

Monday, February 2, 2004

Better late than never. I guess.

Got through to the head asshole at the bank (you know the one, her majesty's bank?) Anyway, he says that they are 99% sure that they can reverse the transaction in 24-48 hours. WTF?(I have been saying that a lot lately)

"What do you mean, your not positive?"

"Well unless something unforeseen happens, I am positive it will be there in 24 hours, actually you better make it 48."

That sounds so encouraging, NOT!

Funny how it took 15 minutes to take it out of my account and 2 days to put it back.

I am definately in the wrong business.

Sunday, February 1, 2004

Ok, I cheated.

I will admit, I redid the test until I got the results I wanted.

Congrats! You will marry Captian Jack Sparrow

who (from pirates of the caribbean) are you supposed to marry (for girls) clh
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