Sunday, May 30, 2004

Don't mess with the Internal MS Biache!

Ninety precent of the calls I get in this new Queue are from supposed support professionals. Whenever I see [ SP ENTITLE ] come up on my phone, I groan inwardly.

A little background about the procedures here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� If a customer calls in and our tools are down, ie unable to create a case for them, we tell them that we are sending them through without a case and the SP will create one for them. We never turn them back if our tools aren�t working, its just not done. We have all been trained for this scenario. When I say all, I mean every single person in this place. Mind you, it doesn�t happen often but it happens. So I get this asshole.

�Ya, I have a customer here with no case number.�

I can act superior because they think they are talking to someone who is three doors down from Bill�s office.

�And? ... they don�t have a case number, I can�t work with them.�


�Because they don�t have a case number. I will transfer him over for a case.�

This asshole is not passing the buck to me.

�What do you mean, no?�

�Just what I said, You make a case and work with him till his issue is resolved.�
At this point he asks for my employee id. Oh, you think you can strong arm me? Not fuckin' likely. I give it to him slowly, phonetically, loudly, like he may be simple.

�Do you want mine?� Mr. Snotty says.

�Nope, I had it the second the phone rang." I repeat it to him.

�How did he get through without a case?� Yours is not to wonder why, asshole.

�Look, there are no magic numbers for these people to get directly to you. If he got through it was because he was entitled to. If he doesn�t have a case then it was because our tools were down. You do know tools-down procedures, right? If your phone rings and there is a customer on the line, you are the last person that he needs to speak to. If he doesn�t have a case, you make him one. You do not send him backwards unless he was routed incorrectly, if you can help him, it is your job to do so.�

�My manager says I am not allowed to create cases.�
Bullshit! They just don�t know how to create a case, they act like it is beneath them. These assholes are like rocket scientist who can�t get the time to stop blinking on the VCR.

�Your manager lied to you. If you would like, I can have my manager call your manager and refresh him on the tools-down procedures. Perhaps he can have you retrained.�

< - CLICK - >

Adios, asshole. Do not fuck with me�..I know how this place works.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Ready to slit my wrists!

I took a call tonight that was so long and drawn out I couldn't post it word for word.

A woman called and wanted it "all off my computer" she just kept saying that over and over. It took me a while to figure out what the fuck she meant, since she didn't know either. I love it when they call us before their brain catches up to their mouth.

She bought a computer at a flea market, it was really old and didn't work very well. Wasn't sure what the hell she was telling me that for but her son bought her a new one. Well it was doing the same thing, it was asking her to accept the end user license agreeement and she didn't think that was right. She kept saying it wasn't legal.

"Mamme, you don't have to agree to anything. Noone is forcing you."

"But if I don't agree the software won't install."

"Exactly, I can give you the money back line and you can take it back."

"But I have to have windows on my computer."

"Exactly, so say yes to the end user license agreement."

"But I don't want to."
This went back and forth for about 10 minutes.

She finally agrees, and we move on. Then she gets really wacky. She tells me that the Undisclosed Computer Software Company� is downloading stuff to her computer and she wants it off. Internet explorer was telling her there was a newer version, did she want to install. And she deffinately did not want to.

"So, uh, just say no?"

"Can I do that?"
YES YOU FUCKING CRAYON! NOW GET OFF MY PHONE! But I was not so lucky. She was determined to have a problem that we must be responsible for. FUCK ME!

"The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� downloaded all this junk onto my computer and I want it off!" Ten minutes later I am still trying to figure out what the hell she is talking about, when she says, "All the stuff that was on my old computer is on this one, I want it off!"

Long, long, long, fucking agonizingly long story short. She believed that her old computer that she had taken to the dump was being accessed by us, and that we were moving all the stuff from that computer onto her new computer. I KID YOU NOT! And I can not get this turnip off my phone, I even consider asking her if she is off her meds. Finally her son gets on the phone and I explain to him that we can not access a computer that is in a dump, that would be magic and we don't do magic.

"So, you ain't gonna help us?"


<- CLICK ->

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Frankly, My Dear...

I got through my first ten hours with the mouth breathers and I didn't kill anyone. Not that I didn't desire with my whole being to possess the ability to blow someone to smithereens by mere power of suggestion.

I had forgotten how miserable the general public can be. As I said before I am in what is called internal. What that means is I get all the people who call all the numbers associated with Undisclosed Customer Service Center� (and there are many). There are numbers for professionals, there are numbers for broadband users, there are numbers to call if you have a virus, etc.

Pretty simple, you call the right number you get the right department. But of course if your knuckles are swollen from dragging on the ground you may hit the wrong option on the phone. That is where I come in. I get all the turnips who can�t seem to work the phone.

I understand if you can�t work a simple touch tone phone, you probably can�t grasp the concept of paying for support, or that maybe you are not the only one in the free world who has the virus, so yes, there may be a wait for support.

I lost it with one guy, he was bitching about paying for support on a version of software that was two versions behind the current one. �I�m a customer and this is not good customer service.�

You were a customer, you haven't bought anything in 5 years. �Well when you consider the cost of training a technician, paying him a salary, not to mention the trainer, then paying their salary as a tech as well as customer service agents to field the calls, and all the other managerial staff that it takes to run a center, add phone charges and internet usage and on and on, your $35 really doesn�t cover it, and if you never buy new software? Then what?� We should keep technicians on staff for old software on the off chance that this asshole calls in?

After dealing with these people for hours on end I got this lady that just tickled me pink. I was starting to get a little punchy.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, may I have your name please.�

�Vivian Leigh�, I was silent for a beat, but couldn�t control a giggle.

�No way� I said.

She giggled, �Afraid so.�

�Well fiddle-dee-dee, Vivian, how can I help you today.� That put us both in hysterics. She was quite upset that she had been dealing with the virus for a week and told her it would cost her $100 to have them get rid of it. I told her that was ridiculous. She couldn�t believe that I was going to help her for free. She thought there might be a catch.

�As God is my witness, its totally free.� This set us both off, we were in tears, as I got ready to transfer her she said, �Thanks, I needed that.�

�So did I.�

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Breakfast Cereal Guy.

There is a guy at work, I call him Breakfast Cereal Guy. I don't know why I gave him that name, I just took one look at him and thought he looked like Breakfast. I do that a lot, give people nicknames. Anyway, BCG is adorable. He's small, got buns-0-steel, cutest hair (those highlights that look painted on) and a soul patch. He is quite literally cute as a button.

So BCG walks by one night and I let out this slurping sound. Quite lecherous, and someone says, "You think he is cute?" and procedes to try and tell me about him.

"WHOA! HOLD UP SISTER!" I stick my fingers in my ears, "LA LA LA!" I don't want to know about him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to know he can even speak. BCG is eye candy. As long as he stays eye candy, he is perfect. I enjoy looking at him, that's it. Why would I want to ruin a perfectly good scene with information?

She looks at me like I have two heads. What is so hard to understand? It's like watching a scene of the ocean crashing on the shore. Pretty, relaxing, but you don't have to know how to swim or even like swimming. There are sharks and most likely pollution, but I don't have to know about it, right? It is a pleasant scene, period.

I don't want to know his name, or where he lives, or who he dates. I would never date him, pretty boys don't do it for me. But I enjoy the scenery. I think puppies are cute too, but they piss on the floor and whine all night. I just know that if I spoke to BCG he would say something, therefore shattering the illusion of perfection.

No matter how cute he is, there is someone out there who has to put up with his farting and burping.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Official Internal MS Biache!

It's official, I have taken the PPA shift. The deal maker was that they wanted me to start right away. All I could think about was that Monday was a holiday and I would be working 10 hours for double time and a half. Sweet!

So I start Sunday with a day off, then 10 hours of holiday time on Monday followed by two days off in a row. I think I can handle that.

And with any luck my raise will kick in on this next pay.

Six of one...

Now they are offering shifts in what's called a PPA Q. It's sort of a mix of CC and Pro. So you have the hope of getting at least one person who doesn't say, " computar is broke." Someone who knows what right click is and is most likely NOT married to their sister.

I have officially volunteered for these two shifts:
Sunday - Thurs: 5pm-1am (8 hour shifts) This one is more like the one I am already on, with different days off. No problem.


Mon, Thur, Fri, Sat 2pm - 12 am (10 hour shifts) This one appeals to me because I would have 3 days off, but it is 10 hours a day. I might be able to swing it but it means I will have to get up earlier. UGH!

The big question is, can I handle the guaranteed flow of rednecks? This is the reason I went pro to begin with. When they approached me, I was at the point where if one more person said �Ma ma.cri.sof, it broke", I was going to slice my own throat.

And you know what the sad thing is? Stupid people have no idea they are stupid.

"Ya, I is gittin thet ther� error, dang thang it broke...kin ya hep' me?" (apologies to the non-inbred of the south, but 99% of the time they sound like Jeff Foxworthy.)

"Oh! The error message, of course." FUCK ME GENTLY! "I'll transfer you over to Gerry, he takes care of the error message."

How do these people maintain? I mean, they must have jobs. Otherwise how are they affording a computer and internet service? I am amazed some of these crayons can make it across the street without becoming an oil slick. They probably think that big ole hand is waving them through. How much could they possibly make at the college being guinea pigs for some half assed research project? Or donating sperm or selling their blood. They aren't bright enough to be criminals.

How can you, in this day and age support yourself and your family when you call me and try and write "click" on your screen with a magic marker? I am surprised half these people remember to breathe.

If you see them on the street mumbling to themselves get real close and you can hear them say �in, out, in, out�.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Pleased to meet ya, now spread 'em.

So, I am meeting my doctor for the first time today. If you remember when I went for the shot I didn't actually lay eyes on her, the nurse gave me the needle.

Well today I meet her. Nice way to meet someone, "Hi, I'm doctor Qwasnick, now spread 'em." What? Your not gonna buy me dinner first?

Kind of concerned about the name, considering if you take out the 'sni' she becomes Dr. Qwack. She probably didn't think that one through when she married Mr. Qwack and decided to change her name. With a name like that, I hope she has a sense of humour.

Meanwhile back at the farm.....

Ok, that went well, she was very nice. And thorough. During the exam she reaches up between my legs and passes me this.

I like this chick.

Good News - Bad News.

Had a wonderful night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. The good news is I did not get layed off.

We (in pro) were informed that 16-19 of us would be moved back to CC. That's just fucking great. Welcome back to redneckville. FUCK ME! Aparently we, as a group, had too much tenure for layoffs. So what they did was lay off more over in CC and are going to move us over there. It's not looking good for me. I have been there just over a year, so I am pretty low down the totem pole.

However, there is hope. They are asking for volunteers. Now, once the 9-5ers realize that most of the people who will be moved are on 5-1 and that they will have to fill that shift they may volunteer just so they can keep their shifts.

Here's hoping.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Grab your umbrella!

The shit hit the fan tonight at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. 96 people in CC got canned. Along with 5 team managers. They are calling it a temporary lay-off but it did not go well.

Half of those 96 people were on duty tonight and just up and left. So that meant that all the agents in ProCC had to take those calls. It was a huge mess. Why in the name of God they told them at the beginning of their shift is beyond me. Although I know it would have been dirty for them to wait till the end of their shift, it wasn't like they were shown the door today, they gave them two weeks notice.

They also gave them the option to be moved to another site, which a couple of the TM's chose, or to take the layoff. There were a lot of tears and angry faces.

More of the same for tomorrow I suppose.

Now they tell us in ProCC that we will not be effected by these layoffs, but we are not convinced. More and more jobs are being moved to India, eventually everything will end up there. They may have to change the name from "Customer Service" to "Piss Off the Americans" cuz the American's hate to hear that they are going to India for their tech support.

Those techs might know their stuff, but it often loses something in the translation.

And another thing...

Suppose I should tell you my good news. I got my performance appraisal tonight and scored 4.0 out of possible 5, not bad. The PA's determine the amount of your raise, higher is definately better.

Friday, May 14, 2004

What the hell were we thinking?

I have been sitting here for the last couple of my days off, cataloguing my record collection. Is it just me or did most of the bands from the 80's look really, really gay? I mean some of these guys make the Queer Eye guys look like lumberjacks. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay but consider this.

All the girls wanted them and all the boys wanted to be them.

I mean the girls can look back and say, "You see? That proves the theory that all the good ones are married or gay." But the guys? Holy shit, they gotta be dealing with some homophobe issues. Damn, explains a lot, don't it?

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Happy Belated Single Mother's Day!

The boy brought his science fair project home. I was reading the writeup and this was on the last page.

How do you stay mad at that?

Prepare the boy for stasis!

Ever been so broke you don't know what to do? If I could just put the boy in stasis for a couple of weeks I could catch up. But as soon as I get the money he has spent it. Before even. I got a shitload of cash comming on the 20th, but chances are I will have to borrow before that, so when it finaly comes around it won't be such a shitload.

By George! I've got it! I will just need to sleep till then.

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Single Mother's Day.

What did I get for mother's day, you might ask. A big fat goose egg.

Let me tell you about Single Mother's Day. You are pretty much screwed.

When the boy was small, my sister used to give me Mother's Day cards from him. When he started school till about 5th grade he made one in school. Up to that point it was pretty much out of his hands.

Now he is 13. Old enough you say to hit his father up for some cash for his dear old mom? Fat chance.

You know what I got for Mother's Day? Rudely awakened, that's what! He came into my room and parked himself in front of my computer and blared Survivor till I cracked!

He didn't even say Happy Mother's day till he heard someone else say it to me. Tell me, at what point can I expect to get a little recognition from this ingrate? When he is forty, maybe?

I tell you one thing, if I so much as hear the word Father's Day comming from his lips, I will burry him in the back yard.

And I mean it this time.

Happy Single Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 6, 2004


The boy enters the science fair.

At his school

He sets up display.

A few demonstrations.

Patiently awaits the judges decision. That blur is him hearing his name read.

Take the money and run.


He gets the brains from my side of the family.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

It don't take much.

Got a new phone yesterday. Very cool.

Having so much fun, and haven't even made a call yet.
It really doesn't take much to make me happy.

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

Show me the money.

All hell is breaking lose at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� we are trying to get a handle on this new virus and I have to say that it is going much better than Blaster. They have more frontline CSR's doing the troubleshooting, which cuts down on customer hold times. I really don't think this one will last as long.

I was on a call last night and a TM signed me off my phone and said when I was done of that call to come to a meeting. Five minutes later I walk into the meeting and sit down just as she is saying, "Any questions?" Well ya! I just got there.

Then they wheel the Big Cheese from Head Office, "I know this team can do this, any questions?" HELLO! Did no one notice me just walking in? Everone stands and they hand me a sheet of paper with step-by-steps on troubleshooting the virus. That's just fucking great.

This is why I don't tell people that I know computers. I am a CSR because I don't want to be a Tech. My average call time is 4-6 minutes, Techs can be on a call for hours. I can barely stand these crayons for the 4-6 min I have to, I do not want to deal with them longer than that.

And techs start out at a dollar more an hour. Are they going to pay me a dollar more? No they are not, so fuck off. I ain't doing it!

Sunday, May 2, 2004

Blaster from the past.

Once again people. We at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� DO NOT make viruses, nor do we send them to you.

We do however help you take care of them, for free I might add. And since we are doing it for free everyone in the fucking free world is calling us. So expect a wait time. It will be 4-5 hours, so suck it up princess cuz if you bitch at me I will hang up on you. I do not need your attitude. If you have not been hit with this virus yet, please, for the love of God, go and do your critical updates.

"Updates? We don't need no stinkin' updates!" Yes you do. moron, if you had done them yesterday we would not be having this lame ass conversation. So do it.

For more info on the virus go here. And don't call me, I am in a shitty mood. George Canyon lost to that little pencil necked, leather jacket wearing, spiked haired, Nick Carter wannabe. I know country and he ain't country.

Don't get me started.

And another thing...

If you are pirating software, do not, I repeat, do not copp and attitude with me when I tell you I can't help you.

READ MY LIPS! You are stealing the fucking software from us, we will not help you fix it! USE YOUR HEAD, CRAYON!