Not exactly a criminal mastermind.

So, we got 'robbed' at the shop. Just thinking about it, I am shaking my head.

Dude comes into the shop and says he ordered a battery online from one of our friends in Saskatchewan, Mitch. Okay, we know the guy well. This guy says the battery is dead and Mitch directed him to us. 

I figured, I would take the battery back and have Mitch just send me a bat when he sends me my next order of juice. Unfortunately, I am out of batteries but they are expected within a few days. I tell him its not a problem, come back in a few days and I will fix him up.

The guy pokes around for a bit while I am texting back and forth with Mitch. He knows of who I speak and we make arrangements to make this dude happy.

So, Bunny is manning the til and she is ringing up a lady, after she leaves, dude leaves. As soon as he does, Bunny asks if I seen her blue setup. The lady immediately comes back and says that she waited for the dude to leave to come back to tell us that dude pocketed Bunny's setup.

Bunny is ready to string the guy up and chases after him. He is long gone. I just chuckle and text Mitch that his little friend lifted some merchandise. He chuckles and sends me the dude's name and address.

Bunny is flipping out and I am still just chuckling, looking at all the expensive things he could have taken, he lands on a $12 battery that is about a year old.

We call the police and give them his name and address. We don't want to press charges, just want him served with a protection order, so he will never return.

But Bunny has other plans. She too has his name and address.

Give me a break.

Whoever came up with this little tidbit, needs to get a life.

Are the American tax payers paying this guys salary? If they are they should be completely outraged.



One little thing from eight years ago. Taken out of context and now this idiot Tancredo is calling her a member of the Latino KKK. Unreal. Can you say 'attention whore?' Someone desperately needs to be on tv.

No reasonable person after reading the entire text (in context)would surmise that she is a bigot or a racist. Get a life Tancredo.

I wonder when he watches himself on tv, does he see how ridiculous he sounds? Did he know he was siding with Rush Limbaugh on a race issue? Hello pot, meet kettle.

What is pissing me off right now?

Let's see:

- Ants in my bedroom/office. I took me a day to figure out where they were coming from. Old windows, cracks in the molding. FUCK ME, I hate crawly things.

- Environmentalists. Just fuck off.

- Commercials that use cartoon animation to illustrate how their product works. "Oh, the pill causes those red arrows to turn blue, so it must relieve headaches too." What? Who falls for that shit?

- Wildlife. I don't give a shit how cute raccoons are, I need them to fuck off or I need them dead. Either way, I am ok with it.

- Not-so-wild life. This means the cats that reside in my home. They contribute nothing to society and they wake me at 4am to let them out. FUCK OFF! If I figure out how to off the raccoon, you will be right behind it.

- Gas prices. There is no reason for us to be subject to gas prices set by foreign countries. If we didn't have so many tree huggers, we would be able to produce our own oil or other fuel alternatives. If Brazil can do it, why can't we?

I will tell you why, cuz those nuts are hell bent on saving the Spitting Shit Fly of Nunavut, so we can't drill in the north.(just one example)"OOOO we have to preserve the beauty of the wilderness." Why? I ask you. I don't see them spending their vacations there, giving those people an alternative source of income. They are so much more interesting to see in documentaries, the shacks, the igloos, eating whatever they can chase down. (Not seal though, we have been over this) "Oh I don't ever intend to set foot there, (insert snotty British accent) but I don't want you to ruin it, on the off chance I might want to some day." Yes, Paul. Whatever you say, Paul. (kneel and kiss the $400 alligator shoes)

- Paul McCartney. For so many reasons, including the above. I could go on about him for hours.

- Oprah. I blame her for everything.



- Mac commercials. Vista is not buggy. Hardware vendors have just been draggin' their asses on driver updates. I have been using Vista for a year without incident. "Oh but you have to perform expensive upgrades to your PC in order to run it." Are you serious? Upgrading a PC is cheap. You know how you upgrade a Mac? Throw it out the window and buy a new one. Don't get me started.

- Drivers.

That'll do for now.

Love is most definately blind.

The only interesting thing happening on Big Brother 9. James and Chelsea, going at it hot and heavy.

That is not really the interesting part. Poor Chelsea thinks she is in love. I would love to be a fly on the wall when she finds out that James is a gay (soft?) porn star.



How could you not know something is very 'off' with that boy. He has a badly done pink Mohawk. He dresses like a clown, in purple pants that don't even fit him properly, which I suppose explains the rainbow (gay pride) belt.

He has just about the stupidest, poorly done tattoos I have ever seen. I am surprised anyone (ANYONE) found this kid in the least bit attractive.

He has told everyone he is homeless, bicycling across America for some unknown reason. I am sure he has a reason, and he has said what that reason is but it was probably so stupid that I have forgotten it. Then he turns around and tells Chelsea that he used to own a mortgage company. Seriously? She bought that hook, line and sinker. I am not sure, but I think Chelsea may have been dropped on her head as a child.

Don't get me started.

• The temperature does not drop 40 degrees when you cross the border. It's called the metric system, the whole world uses it. Besides the US, there are only 2 or 3 third world countries that are still on Imperial measure. Get with the program.
• Men who put their sunglasses on their heads. You can only pull that off if your gay. Ditto for flip flops.
  
• Stop assuming I eat lobster every day. Dude, those things are expensive and they don't just roam free in the parking lot.
• I have never even seen an igloo, let alone live in one. And the only dog sled I have ever seen was on TV.
• Metrosexuals: Pick a fuckin' team.
  
• It's called gun control, not oppression. If you see a guy with a pistol and he is not in uniform, he's a criminal. Simple.
• CSI: They are always walking around with little flashlights. Why don't they ever turn a fuckin' light on?
  
• No, Canadian is not the same as American. "Oh thank God you're American." "I am actually Canadian." "Same thing." Don't they teach you bigots geography?
• No I can't see what you are doing, its a fuckin' telephone, can you see me?
• Not all fat chicks are short, so why can't you make a pantleg for the rest of us. Shoulder pads don't fool anyone. I just look like a linebacker.
• If you want me to fix your computer, please note that "Its acting weird" is not enough information to go on. And if you start the conversation with 'once upon a time' I will beat myself to death with my keyboard.
• "The program has performed an illegal operation" does not mean the SWAT team is on its way.
• "How are you today?" Is a fuckin' rhetorical question. I do not give a flying fuck how you are.

Ya, been having a bit of a bad week.

Wading in the shallow end of the gene pool.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"I am trying to put a vertical line in my document and I can't do it."

"Ok, just click on INSERT then SHAPE and you will see an icon that when you roll your mouse over it will say LINE."

"Ya, but that one is diagonal." Are you kidding me?

"Uh, only if you make it diagonal. It's a straight line tool...you can make it go any way you like."

"For real?" Give me strength.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"My son was messing around with the computer and when I opened LookOut Quick, it asked me if I wanted it as my default. I thought that was a weird thing to ask, I of course said yes. Now all my email are gone! All of them!"

"Are you sure you were using LookOut Quick before?"

"Ya,"

"Positive? Not LookOut?"

"Absolutely." After ten minutes of back and forth, me asking another way and her swearing up and down that she uses LookOut Quick, she finally yells to her husband.

"Honey? What email do we use?"

He yells back, "LookOut." She is silent.

I pretend I didn't hear him. "Just for fun lets open LookOut."

She clicks on it, "Ok, but I am sure I use LookOut Quick but..." Then I hear her singing, "Hal-le-lu-jah, Hal-le-lu-jah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hal-le-eh-lujah!" and she doesn't stop till she finishes.

"So, all your email is there?"

"Ya, now I have to go apologize to my son."

And another thing...

My friend Bunnie is vacationing on D'Nile.

"My doctor put me on two new medications, TWO!"

"Why?"

"My sugar is way up, [insert whiney voice here] He told me I have to give up sugar. But I told him [and here] it's summer, there is ice cream [yup, here too] and ice cold pepsi..." I zone out at that point. He is clearly being unreasonable, demanding that she give up the very things that make her most happy.

"Bunnie, he isn't doing it just to be mean. It's called diabetes. It's not personal."

She looks at me like Hammy from Over the Hedge as if to say, "But I love the cookie!"

Nervous wreck!

I am sitting here surfing and I hear - squeak! squeak! It's faint, but I can hear it. Almost like the low mew that Milo gives me when he wants out. Sammy is a horse of a different color. When he wants out its a mournful wail. This is a faint, squeak squeak.

Then it registers, it can't be Milo because I already let him out. Oh fuck! Maybe he brought something in with him? A little gift, one only a cat would think was fucking appropriate.

I yell for the boy. I tell him what I hear and comes in armed with a flashlight. He is searching any crevice that a cat could stuff a 'gift'.

"Turn the computer off, I can't hear."

"Uh, no."

"I can't hear."

"Forget it, I will let you know if I hear it again."

A few minutes later, I do hear it again, (squeak! squeak!)I freeze. My blood runs cold. Bats make that noise too, don't they? I had a bat in here before so it is not outside the realm of possibilities. I hear it again, I can't turn around. Where is it coming from?

Bunnie is messaging me, I move the mouse to open the chat window - squeak! squeak!

Are you fucking kidding me? I message the boy, "It really was a mouse, and your mother is a moron. Thanks for playing."

Brain Fart.

A little back story. Last (I think it was October) I had the cable disconnected. I never really watched it because I usually just downloaded the shows off the internet. The Boy, however, is a man and as such must be able to sit and stare at the screen while he flips though all the channels. Something to do with the addition of the Y chromosome.

Anyway, I had to talk him into it but to save money I dumped the cable. Even when you do that, if you keep the actual wire connected it does give you a bit of residual cable signal. So you get some really fuzzy reception, but better than nothing.

I was telling the downstairs neighbor this and she said..."Just hook up to mine." Great, free cable. I hooked up the line that we had going through the heating ducts. (I should mention it is a black wire while the one from the cable company is white.) It wasn't all that clear but it was free. The Boy's second connection to this was even less clear.

Fast forward. I am sitting on the couch watching the fuzzy news when I suddenly think I might be able to get the boys to come in a little clearer if he had a direct connection to the line coming from downstairs or maybe it was the splitter itself that was the problem. I decide to test it by hooking my TV up directly without the splitter.

As I am rummaging around behind the TV, sorting through the maze of cords and wires, thinking it might be a good idea to get rid of the Vonage cables that were all over the place, I see a second white wire. Huh? Where is that coming from? I try and follow it, one is going through the living room and into my room, and the other? Nowhere.

Apparently instead of replacing the white wire with the black wire, I just hooked the black wire into the mix. I little more boost to the signal but it was going back and forth so many times through the house and connecting....well long story short. I take the black wire from the heating duct and plug it into the back of my TV.


The Boy's jaw goes slack. "What the hell?" Clear as a bell on every channel. I start to laugh like a nut. I explain what I did.

I have had full cable service for seven months and didn't even know it. The Boy is not impressed. I think it's hilarious.

There ought to be a stupid tax.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

I ask her name and case number and then, like an idiot, I ask her how she is today. Big mistake.

"I am totally DISGUSTED!"

"Excuse me?"

"I went away for a couple of days and they changed my email program, it used to be LookOut Quick, now its just LookOut two zero zero something. They just took it off my computer."

"Who is 'they'?"

"ORANGE OF COURSE!" Oh dear God. This crayon totally thinks this is possible. I mean, it might be, but who do these people think they are? You think we just sit around and say, 'Oh ya, Joan Schmoe from ButtFuck Nowhere, we need to fuck up her computer. It's on the schedule.' Why do they imagine we give a shit?

People think they are being hacked all the time? Do you know how rare that is? If I was a hacker? Why would I waste my time hacking some idiot gas station attendant, who can't even turn his computer on half the time, when there are banks out there? Or something interesting like the FBI or the DMV?

While I am trying to get her case to come up, I go for the obvious. You wouldn't believe how many times you have to cram the obvious down someones throat.

"Ok, let's see if we can do something. Can I get you to click start and then all programs?"

"Ok." Under her breath, "Un-fuckin-believable."

"Do you see LookOut Quick?"

"Ya."

"Click on it, did it open?" You can hear her brain catching up to her.

"Oh for heaven's sake."

"It will say it is not your default email, when it asks if you want to make it the default, say yes."

"Is that all there is to it?"


"Uh huh. I will refund your credit card, since there was absolutely nothing wrong with your computer." Should be a stupid tax, but I will take pity on her, since I can imagine she is in her closet wearing a tinfoil hat.

You can't kick a stupid person, it just wouldn't be right. With any luck she will stop buying Orange and switch to Apple...be their brain tumor for a while.

Holy Shit! It's not rocket science.

I roll up to the speaker at the Horton's.

"Ya, I need two medium triple-triple's, a large double-double and two medium steeped tea with just milk."

I drive up to the window to pick up my order. I am alone in the car. Horton's Lady has the five cups ready to pass out the window.

"Would you like a tray with that?"

I give her my best 'are you on crack' face.

"Uh, no. You can just pour that directly into my lap."




I am pretty sure she hopes I find this under the rim.

Hi, My Name is Evel, and I am a professional student.

"Hi Evel!"

Back in training again. One night under my belt. It was pretty boring as far as training goes. When you consider this product has been around since 2001 you can imagine there are some things that even I already know. It was tough keeping my eyes open.

As predicted, the class is full of the tier 2 and 3 techs from the old project. This being the only tech project left it was inevitable. Problem with that? Most of them think they know everything. And one actually does, we will call her....May.

May is the definition of Geek. She is very smart. No, I mean really smart. Unfortunately that means she assumes you are a blithering idiot.

I drag my feet getting to class. Big mistake. The only seat free is next to her. I don't blame anyone, next to her we are all blithering idiots. This can get on a person's nerves pretty quickly. But hey, if your gonna sit someone next to her, it might as well be me. Since I am probably the only one who will not just sit there and suffer in silence.

Didn't take her long to start 'helping' me. I sit down and start looking for the course material. She actually takes over the keyboard since I am apparently not moving fast enough following her instruction. I let her go, because I am already behind.

This gets old really quickly. Finally, as she is showing me the wondrous feature that is 'up one level'.


Have you seen this thing? What will they think of next?

This is where I snap. (you were thinking it would take longer?)

I give her my best 'do I look like an idiot' face, "I know its hard to believe, but I have actually worked on a computer before."

She calmed the fuck down with the 'tech support' after that. You know, once you get past the whole annoying 'brainiac' thing, she is actually interesting to talk to.

And she has chocolate.

And it's all about the chocolate.

Not a rhetorical question.

What exactly are you thinking?

Girls who post semi-nude pics of themselves on MySpaces. Or a strip-tease on YouTube.

Ya, you might think it is cute now, but have you ever thought of running for office? What do you mean, no way? How can you know that at 15? Well, I guess you have pretty much screwed yourself anyway. Suffice to say that at this point you would be laughed off any ballot except for the Marijuana party. You can kiss the republican nomination good bye.

What about having children? Ever think of how you would feel if you stumbled across a picture of your mother on Plentyofish, spread eagle on your living room couch? (Suppose you could tell Junior that it was the Super Bowl and that's a V for victory. Ya, he'll buy that.)

Unless you are planning to go into the oldest profession, never have children or become the oldest stripper on the planet, you need to think this shit through.

And guys, you are not off the hook. Shocking your parents by having a swastika tattooed to your forehead might seem like the thing to do right now, but unless you are planning a career as a carny, you need to wake the fuck up!

Technology and pop culture today makes it too easy to fuck up your life at a much younger age than ever before.

Can I have some of that 'magic' software?

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah..."

"I installed this software on my desktop and now I can' t find it."

Ok, we look and look and look. "I don't understand it, it should be there. Let's get that product ID and get you through to technical support."

He gives me an ID for a completely different product." Um, I thought you told me it was product A? But the ID if for product B, perhaps it was not installed correctly." I am getting ready to transfer him to tech support when he says,

"Well, this is my laptop, does that make a difference?"

OF COURSE NOT, DON'T BE REDICULOUS! IT'S MAGIC SOFTWARE! It can jump from one computer to another by the power of suggestion!

FUCK....ME! No wonder I had a headache all night long.

Today is the first official day of my vacation!

The first vacation I have ever had. Well there was those three days about 2 years ago that I took off to go camping with my sister....but my boss called on the second day (What man invented cell phones? Tell me so I can hunt him down and castrate him.) and I ended up going in. But this is the first honest-to-God vacation. All the appropriate authorities have been duly notified.

8:55am - Phone rings.....is that possible? Didn't I tell everyone every single day last week that I was on vacation, when it would start and what I had planned? I am sure I told every living thing I came in contact with that I was going to stay up all night playing cards on the internet and sleep all day. For 7 straight days I was not intending to get out of my PJ's. I even told my son that unless he was bleeding or on fire there was nothing I could or would do for him. (Please....no sympathy emails for my son...he is perfectly capable of nuking a hotdog.)

The phone is still ringing....did I miss someone? Did I forget to tell one of my friends? No, I called both of them. Is someone dead? Someone better be dead.

"Hello?" (It's my boss? He is obviously not dead.)

It can't be my boss.....he, above all, knows without a doubt, unaquivically that I am on Vacation. We discussed it. I know we discussed it. Did we discuss it? Yes....I am possitive we discussed it....at length.

- I made flow charts.
- I put extra icons on the desktop for him to find stuff easier.
- I made flow charts.
- I organized his My Documents.
- I made flow charts.
- I renamed those files to things like "if you need to print work orders use this file.pub"
- Did I mention I made flow charts?

"Hello???"

"Ya, I'm up" (He better be, at the very least, bleeding or on fire!)

"I can't get my laptop to print anything." (SHIT! I was rooting for the fire.)

"What are you trying to print?"

"Heat Loss" (Great...a dos program. Don't ask. It's one of the few programs he knows how to run.Probably because he has been using it since the turn of the Century and I don't mean the 21st.)

I won't bore you with the comedy of errors that went on for half an hour and through 3 phone calls. I can hear the error message alert sounds in the background, I see where this is going.

"Just bring the laptop to me and I will print it here." (Had he called at a decent hour, when I was thinking straight, I would have reached this conclusion earlier.)

It is now 11:30 am I won't be able to get back to sleep now....my son is awake.

Please don't let this be an indication of how the rest of my vacation will go.