Friday, February 28, 2003

He has it all figured out. Or does he?

Our pub owner, Aaron, seems to think that he has it all figured out. That it must be an inside job, and he has decided that it is my fiend Kimmy who has Greg. So, we need to mix it up a bit with this photo.

Here we see Greg in an establishment that my friend Kimmy, would absolutely never go, The Thistle. This should keep him guessing. There is a lot of bad blood between these two bars. Aaron used to work there and Kimmy used to be the chef. Until he bought a new pub, Fibbers, and brought Kimmy over with him. The owner of the Thistle was very upset with that and accused our pub owner of �stealing� his chef. He made it a point to make trouble for Fibber�s even before it opened.

So, I think this will throw Aaron off the track. At least for a little while.

BTW: The poster on the wall was not a set up, it was just a happy coincidence.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

Have ovaries, will travel.

After yet another frustrating meeting with Miss Deadfish, I am thinking that maybe she is under the false impression that this program is being funded out of her own pocket. She is doing her best to discourage me enough so that I just give up and go away. I am missing one form from the government.

She is like a dog with a bone, she wants the blue form,

�But the yellow form says exactly the same thing.� I point out to her the information on the yellow form that she needs from the illusive blue form.

�I must have the blue form.�

�How about if I put the yellow form in my jeans pocket and run it through the washing machine. Wait, no, that wouldn�t work, that would just make it green. Would you take the green? You know, split the difference?�

Miss Deadfish is not amused. She seems pissed that her job, (working with the public) forces her to work with the actual public.

So, now I feel like a real loser. Not only do I not have a job but apparently I am a complete incompetent for not being able to secure the Holy Grail of government forms, the blue form. My phone rings and it is my friends mother. We chat as I warm up the car and after a minute she says, �You need to go to the Women�s Center�.

�Never heard of it, aren't� places like that just for battered women?� No, she says, she went there when she was trying to get her pension. She gives me directions. Can�t hurt, not like I have anywhere else to go.

So, I find this little house down by the waterfront and brace myself for a long wait and yet another round of talks with government bureaucrats. The sign on the door reads:

- - Welcome to the Women�s Center. Give the door a kick, sometimes it sticks. - -

I like the sounds of this place already. I walk in and am immediately greeted by, not one, but two women in jeans and t-shirts who smile and say in unison, �Hi, can I help you?�

�You already have, you smiled at me. But I need someone who can cut through some red tape for me.�

I am promptly escorted to see Bernadette. Bernadette is a very charming woman in her late 40�s early 50�s who immediately makes me feel at home, her office is on the top floor of the house. She directs me to a very comfortable couch at the back of the office, offers me coffee and I spill my guts like we were old friends.

It is her job, Bernadette informs me, to bitch slap the bureaucrats and pry the money out of their cold dead hands. The money, she tells me, I am entitled to and should not have to beg for. In fact she is heading out the next morning to brow beat the government so they don�t cut any more services for women. I believe that there will be more than a few politicians, come Monday morning, with Bernadette�s hand print branded on their cheeks.

She tells me that she will take care of everything, she has connections. The first thing she does is call the immediate supervisor of Miss Deadfish and solves the �blue form� controversy. She chats up the supervisor and is assured that my application will be rushed through. Then she makes me an appointment with a career councillor and calls the local college to see about seats for the upcoming course that I am interested in.

Bernadette gets this done in an hour, and that is including the time it took me to spill my guts. By the time I get home (15 minutes later) there are two messages on my machine, one from the career councillor confirming my appointment and one from Bernadette. She has heard from the college and as soon as my application is confirmed I can talk to someone about getting that seat.

Ladies, if you have a Women�s Center in your area, don�t assume it is just for battered women. Its for every woman. They know all the programs, and deal with bureaucrats everyday and know who to call and what to ask for. The only prerequisite is that you have ovaries.

Finally one good thing about my monthly visit from Aunt Flo, she introduced me to Bernadette.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Government at work.

Ok, well maybe not �work� but they are definitely filling seats, wearing down pencils, drinking a lot of that free government coffee. They just aren't doing anything for me. But I am sure they will start�.very soon�.I�m sure of it.

I have been off work now for a month. I thought maybe I would go back to school. You know, re-train for a better career? After inquiring with the proper authorities, I have discovered there are two programs available.

The first one is through Unemployment Insurance, which is no good to me since I was self employed, I wasn�t paying into it so I can�t get anything out of it. Ok, so that�s out.

The second is a program through community services. Here�s where it gets crazy. The program is designed to get people off social assistance (welfare). I inquire about this program and learn that I have to be on SA for 5 months in order to get assistance to go back to school. I think maybe someone on the other end of the phone must be slightly uninformed.

Wouldn�t it be more cost efficient to keep people from going on SA in the first place? But of course that is not how the government operates, they don�t want to be accused of actually being efficient.

So I meet with the case worker who requests reams of paperwork, SIN number, income tax returns, birth certificates, child custody orders, a pint of blood and a urine sample. I tell her that I am interested in this �other� program.

�I don�t know anything about that�, and Miss Dead Fish carries on taking down my vital statistics.

�Um, but being eligible for your program is a pre-requisite to applying for that program, shouldn�t you know about it?�

�Sorry, you will have to talk to someone from that department". (in the same building I might add)

The problem is, I can�t talk to this other person till I determine that I am eligible for this dead fish�s program. She was sooooo helpful. Am I crazy in thinking that these two departments, at least, should talk. I mean they are in the same building, they probably have the same lunch room. If one program clearly encompasses two departments, shouldn�t both departments be at least aware of the program?

There I go again, thinking logically. I clearly would not make it as a civil servant.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Sunday, February 23, 2003

Celebrities Behaving Badly.

The best places to see celebrities behaving badly.

First off we have Celebrity Mole Hawaii. Nothing like a little back stabbing to bring celebs together.

Next there is I�m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Again with the back stabbing, but add a little rain, some venomous spiders, snakes and the obligatory fight over the last square of toilette paper. 15 days trapped in the Australian rain forest with a bunch of celebrities. Nobody famous enough to make the papers if they accidentally get eaten by a crocodile.

Last but not least, my personal favourite, The Surreal Life.

Who knew that amongst an ex-90210 cutie, a playboy bunny and the bitch from survivor that Cory Feldman would be the biggest drama queen. It thought that Vince Neil would go blind with all the eye rolling he did (mostly at Corey). Corey cried more than all the women put together. No man is THAT sensitive. If I didn't know better I would say he was really a girl. (hey wait a minute, I don't know any better, he is a girl)

So how did it end? With a big production number orchestrated by (who else) Corey. He decided to marry his girlfriend on the show, with all his friends and family as well as all the celebrities he could get his houseguests to rustle up. Including Hugh Hefner (courtesy of housemate Brandi).

If you missed this one, you missed a chance to see a bunch of has-been (and a couple never-been) celebs brush their teeth, eat, sleep and basically get on each others nerves for 10 days in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Now THAT�S roughing it.

Friday, February 21, 2003

It's a boy!

This little ball of fur is the new addition to my friends family. His name is Tyson.

I think he looks like Scrat, what do you think?

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

What were you thinking?

Fluffy might be cute, and you might love Fluffy, but Fluffy is not getting a
kidney transplant.

Random thoughts from the tape recorder.

The lane outside the church is for loading and unloading of old ladies only. If you are dropping off your wife and kids let them get their fat asses to the church from the fucking parking lot.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Taxes made easy.

I just did my mothers taxes in just under 5 minutes, that includes printing a copy and filing online.

God bless the internet.

Monday, February 17, 2003

It's really NOT take-out!

What kind of a fucked up parallel universes must you have come from to believe that this is in any way, shape or form remotely like take out pizza.

If there are people out there who really believe this is how pizza is supposed to taste, then you have no idea what pizza is really supposed to taste like. Pizza is NOT supposed to taste like ketchup on cardboard.

If you don�t believe me, come to my house. We�ll have some beers and call the pizza guy (a close personal friend of mine) and get you educated , eh?

Friday, February 14, 2003

Give me a break.

If the personal ads are to be believed, the ideal place to meet a man is the beach at night. Because aparently every last one of them enjoys long walks on the beach in the moonlight. So you should be able to go down there and just swing a cat and catch a couple dozen and drag them home.

Where in the world is Greg the Monkey?

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Hit Bitch

Just an experiment.

Just for today I am going to be a 'hit bitch' and insert all those words that got me hits in the last month and see just how many hits I can get for my page in 24 hours.

Counter is at 6113.

Here we go.

Joe Millionaire
Hack Starchoice
How many times have we thought "If I just close my eyes the bitch will go away.
American Idol
Mary Kay
Popping Zits
Rick Mercer
Female blogger
Hard young girl

Ok, so this is just for my own amusement, since it is snowing here and has been for the past 3 days and I am getting a little shack wacky. So sue me.

Oh and in case anyone is interested, Greg is chillin in the hot tub with the chicks.

Sunday, February 9, 2003

Cracking under pressure.

Apparently Greg (sort of like the guy in Swordfish) is being used in some international plot to take over the world (or possibly just get some real cool pirated software).

At any rate we see that Greg has been forced to write some very sophisticated code as he is being watched over by his kidnappers evil henchmen.

Saturday, February 8, 2003

Greg is traveling.

It seems that Greg is traveling south, FBI has been notified.

Thursday, February 6, 2003


Ok, it seems that there has been another abduction. Apparently there was a stuffed chicken that had been snatched from the bar over the weekend. They thought the disapearances were linked until they got photo confirmation on Greg.

I will be holding Greg until March. At that time, he will be handed off to accomplice #2 for a journey to England, where we hope to have him "spotted" at various locations. I think maybe we will have it revealed at the end that one of two things happened.

A: he killed the chicken and skipped the country or

B: he got the chicken pregnant and they ran off together over seas where she fell for a crow at the Tower of London and dumped poor Greg.

What do you think? Let me know, and if you have a better senario, let me know that too.

The abduction of Greg the Monkey: Day 1

Today I abducted Greg the Monkey from a local bar of which he is the official mascot and am holding him for ransom. What ransom? I am not sure yet but I�ll figure that out.

This is your mission, should you choose to except.

I need pictures of Greg in various locations. All you Photoshop junkies out there (you know who you are) I need convincing photos of Greg around the world if possible. I will post links to a number of photos of Greg in various positions, just pick the one you like. Or if you need him in a particular position, let me know and I will provide it. I hope to have Greg for at least a month and plan to send the owner of the bar daily updates as to the condition and possible whereabouts of Greg.

This is the first note sent to the bar owner.

This should be a hoot, since he will have absolutely no idea who took him. My friend is the chef at this restaurant/bar and I have only been in a couple of times. Today we decided to abduct the monkey since the owner, Aaron has become (we think) a bit too attached to the thing.

Anyway it is all in fun and I assure you that Greg is living it up. Watching pay per view porn on satellite tv, stuffing his face with bananas, the photos are completely staged and Greg has been in no way harmed.

Good luck on your mission, you can email your submissions to

Thank you for your participation, this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.


Monday, February 3, 2003

The Boy is 12 today. Happy Birthday Buddy.

Sunday, February 2, 2003

You are in Kansas, don�t look so surprised.

Just read a post by Mike Brown (aka cooties), about 7 high school students who were killed in an avalanche, a very sad thing to happen to any family.

My question is this: Why do people ski on mountains that "have" avalanches?

There must be plenty of places that have never had one, and chances are they never will. Or is there some sort of avalanche free mountain shortage. (not sure that last sentence made sense, but you get what I mean)

I suppose it is the same with tornadoes, never understood why anyone would live in a place where tornadoes were commonplace. I mean, every inch of the earth can�t be spoken for already right?

And its always the same people on the news saying, �It tain�t as bad as �96, we lost everthin� in �96 but it was a baddun� What kind of fucking whacked out drug are you taking? (can I get that in Canada?)

Every fucking year you get your house blown away in a tornado, it�s a no brainer. Move for fuck sake. What are you waiting for? That�s why they call it a 'mobile home', back your truck up to it and get the hell out of Dodge.

Don�t get me wrong, I feel bad for the families of the avalanche victims. But I can tell you, if I knew a mountain had had an avalanche, I would avoid it. DUH!

You think it can�t happen to you. However, if the house you are buying is the fifteenth structure that has sat on that foundation, shouldn�t that be a heads up to you? You are pretty much stacking the deck against yourself. Perhaps those ruby slippers are pinching a nerve.

Saturday, February 1, 2003

Week 1�Unemployed

We are now at week one of unemployment and we are not impressed. (notice how after only a week I start to talk like royalty) I am starting to get shack wacky.

I have been emailing my resume and dropping it off in town. The local call center is �begging� for employees but so far they haven�t called. I know it has only been a week but I am getting antsy. I thought I would take this time to get some things done around the house but it hasn�t turned out that way. I would much rather surf the net than do housework. I mean, given a choice, what would you do? (if you said �housework�, you are a freak.)

I haven�t told my mother that I was let go yet. She is in her 70�s and everything upsets her so I told her I was on vacation. ;-) But I did tell her I was taking this time to look for another job, which she is all for because she knows what an asshole I was working for.

I don�t know if I mentioned this but three days before I was fired, I applied for a mortgage to buy the house that I am in now. One good thing about self employment, the bank doesn�t know when you are not working, so it is still going. It is looking good except for the old mortgage I had with the ex that might fuck me up. Since he is an asshole and let it laps a time or two.

Speaking of the asshole, he was just here picking up The Boy. I can�t believe that after 12 years, he still can�t have a civil conversation with me. I told him about the mortgage (you know, just making conversation) and he said something to the effect that it didn�t concern him and he could care less. I asked him when he expected he would be a grown up, and I could have a real conversation with him. He just looked at me and said, �you grow up�.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten and said, �I swear to god if you say �I know you are but what am I� I am going to scream.

I was hoping some day he would get over it, but it isn�t looking good. Thank God for his girlfriend, she is a sane person and I get along with her a lot better than I ever did him.

Bright side: Any time I think that maybe I might like to have a boyfriend full time, I just talk to him and it cures me of that insane idea.