Next week, my buddy Mike, is having surgery to repair his rotator cuff. Among the hoops he must jump through to prep for said surgery is a conversation with the anesthesiologist.
PICTURE IT....SICILY, 2020.
After registration and various stops for ECG, vitals check and blood work, Mike makes his way down into the bowels of the Aberdeen Hospital. Not far from, as luck would have it and most likely for convenience sake, the morgue.
He is ushered into a small nondescript exam room by the 40ish (slightly cranky) doctor. The requite niceties were dispatched and the interview commenced.
"So, you are having an operation on your right arm?'"
Mike's heart skips a beat. "Uh...no! My left arm."
This is where the doctor decides to check the chart.Luckily, this person will not be in charge of that portion of the program. I did suggest, however, that he take a sharpie (pre-op) and write THIS ONE!
on his left shoulder.
Moving along he is answering numerous questions, allergies, medications he is taking, etcetera, etcetera and then the doctor inevitably rounds third with this...Wait for it.
"Do you smoke?"
"No, but I vape."
Mike proudly proclaims his non-smoking status.
To which the doctor replies, in a 'moving right along' sort of tone, "Same thing."
Taken aback a little, Mike replies. "Well, actually it isn't. I am not getting all those chemicals...."
At which time the doctor cut him off and dismissively continues his 'tick the box' questionnaire.
Let's just take a moment for that to sink in.
Mike is about to go under the knife and this fool is filling out the questionnaire on his own. Why are you even asking if you are not willing to accept the answers given?
I am going to assume that this particular doctor didn't just step off the boat from medical school and hit the ground running. I am also going to assume he is at least literate but I really want to check the published date of his reference books. As well as check his actual diploma.
Fuck it...at that point I would have settled for a drivers license although the 'written' test for that is multiple choice.
I do not pretend to comprehend what is actually involved with the intricate calculation of the concoction that will ultimately be injected into the trusting and unsuspecting, Mike, but ...(I should note that Mike is actually standing here while I write this so he is neither trusting nor unsuspecting and the current time)
...I'm thinking the correct information might prove to be invaluable in the determination of the correct dosage.
But that's just me, right?
Please keep Mike in your thoughts and prayers. Thankfully its not brain surgery so we have a decent expectation that he will pull through.