Friday, January 30, 2004

Inbreeding in the banking industry.

So, I finally get Mr. Asshole on the phone this morning. Here is his story. He put the freeze on the bank account in case any money was there. He didn't know that I was indeed actually working and that my entire pay check would be in the bank. WTF?

"What do you mean, you didn't know I was working? You had to find me from my Social Insurance Number, you know the same number you use to take a portion of my pay check every single week for the past year?" Why did I think that the people who work in payroll deductions would know that I was working?

"Ok, fine, so what are you going to do about it? You can't take every cent I have. How do you expect me to live?"

"That was every cent you have?"

"Duh, how many bank accounts do you think I have?"
Maybe I am in the wrong business. "How much do you make?"

"Well you do owe the money." This guy is asking for it.

"Fine, but if I get evicted and lose my car, how am I supposed to get to work? Oh, I know, I will quit my job and go on welfare, and not only will you not get your money, but you will end up paying me. How does that sound?"

"Perhaps we can work things out."
Ya think?

So, he says he will fax a cancellation of the order to my bank and have them unfreeze the money. Sounds good.

An hour later I go to see if the funds are freed up. Not only are the NOT freed up, but they have now been removed from my account. WTF?

I call Mr. Asshole back, he sent the fax this morning. So I trudge down to the bank in person, ready to wage war against bureaucracy. I get there and the bank manager is on her lunch, so I have to come back in an hour. After an hour, I go back.

She says, they didn?t get a fax. "Can you check the machine?"

She rolls her eyes, "I can see it from here, there are no faxes in the tray."

"Can you check the memory? Just for badness sake?"

Look at that, a fax, in the memory but not printed off. Apparently I have to do her job too. After giving her instructions in my sweetest Saturday morning children's show host voice on how to proceed, (I almost ask her if she needs me to show her how to work the fax machine) I leave the bank.

With any luck I might get the money back in a week. I am being kind, that moron probably got lost on the way back to the fax machine.

I can�t win for losing.

I am sitting at my cube Wednesday night, bored, so I decide to read my mail. Not email, actual mail, yes I still get actual mail.

Anyway, I open up one of those fun brown government envelopes and it�s a copy of an order sent to my bank. WTF? Seems the government has seen fit to inform the bank that I owe back taxes. And would they be so kind as to forward all moneys to said government, thanks so much, kisses.

So, since it is Wednesday night, it is too late to stop my pay check from going into the bank. Great! They are going to take the whole thing. (such as it is) There goes my rent and my car payment. Not to mention the fact that the boy�s birthday is on Tuesday.

Doesn�t it seem that the government just doesn�t want a person to get ahead?

The reason my taxes got so backed up was that I was self employed for a lot of years. When you are self employed you don�t send taxes in weekly like taking it off your pay check. You wait till the end of the year and are hit with a huge bill for income tax and pension plan.

The first year wasn�t so bad, and I made payments throughout the year, but the second year killed me. It more than tripled. WTF? Then I decided to start up selling a particular �Pink� kind of make up. Primarily because of the tax write off potential. Unfortunately, not being a very feminine person, I couldn't sell it to save my life, so it basically just drained me.

Anyway, long story short, its up there in the thousands (although not enough thousands to declare bankruptcy, I checked) so I decided that it would be better to have a �real� job that took the governments cut off the top and paid them weekly. But before I could ask the �boss� to put me on the books, he fired me. (another long story)

So, I am 4 months without work before starting up at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� but still paying on my taxes. Even though the government has several post dated checks they decide now to eliminate the middle man (that�s me) and just go straight to the bank.

I spent all day today trying to get through to the asshole person named in the letter from the government, fully prepared to rip him a new one, but could not get said asshole person on the phone.

I wonder how they expect me to live if they take my entire pay check?

�That�s ok, Mr. Asshole, I will just quit my job and go on welfare and you can pay me.�

Sounds like a plan.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Some people just don't appreciate art.

Do you believe this work of art did not recieve one bid on ebay?

What has the world come to?

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Why you can't take me anywhere.

Amanda, Holly and I head to Mickey D's for lunch. I say lunch but it is 9:30 pm, but to us, its lunch. We are going through the drive thru. Holly places the order (two sepreate orders, this is important to note) and we get to the pickup window.

Rocket Scientist: "It's going to be a couple of minutes for your second order, is that ok?" Is this a trick question?
ME: I lean forward to speak past Holly,"Uh, no?"

Stunned silence.

Amanda and Holly both look at me like I have lost my mind.

Well, she asked.

UPDATE: In my defence, the girl wanted us to take one order and cool our heels at the curb and wait for the other order. So, one would be cold.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Current Wallpaper.

Tell me, can you look at this with a straight face?

This is my wallpaper as well as my screensaver at work, and every time I see it (so far) I crack up. That, of course, generates curious stares from my co-workers. Has she finally cracked?

Tell me. How can you possibly be in a bad mood, laughing like an idiot? And so far, no one, not even Amanda can look at it with a straight face.

In fact last night she tried. We are both sitting there staring at it. The simple fact that we were trying to do it made me crack. Then Amanda said that if you stared at it too long you could see its lips move. (ok, so she was starting to scare me a little.)

I have just solved the disgruntled employee problem. Thankyou, I'm here all week.

Monday, January 26, 2004

Fucks you, Lady!

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah...

"Yaw, I ken get no fucks." You and me both, lady.

"Excuse me?"

"My fucks in verrd."

"I am sorry, I can't understand the word you are saying." At least I hope I can't.

"Verd 2000 fucks." Does she mean sucks? I am lost.

"I'm sorry, you can't get your what?"

"Fucks, Fucks, in verd, ya no, fucks me the pay pare? Fucks."

"Fox? Wait a minute, Fax?????"

"Yes Fucks."

"Sorry, the fucks department is closed for the evening, you will have to call back."


Sunday, January 25, 2004

What will they think of next?

I open the old email tonight, and there is an email from Bloglinker. Great! Another person linking me.
Your site And another thing... ( has recently been linked to by Free Online Adult Personals ( using the system.

Your list will automatically link back to the initiating linker.

Spam, taken to the next level.

It won't sleep.

I get home from work and the boy is still up.

He does it just to torture me.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Once more, with feeling.

Again, with the revised list from My2SecondShelfLife. Copy and paste the list and then you bold the movies you've seen. (as before, you can delete my commentary)

1. Snatch
2. 25th Hour
3. Godfather I II III Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
4. Momento
5. Roxanne
6. Shallow Grave
7. Nightmare Before Christmas
8. Jackie Brown
9. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
10. Formula 51
11. Pulp Fiction
12. To Sir with Love

13. Burnt by The Sun
14. Cabaret Balkan
15. Beautiful Girls
16. La Femme Nakita

17. Edward Scissorhands
18. This Boy's Life
19. Four Weddings & a Funeral
20. About a Boy
21. Goodfellas
22. Casino
23. The Usual Suspects
24. Seven

25. Punch Drunk Love
26. Fargo
27. Bend it Like Beckham
28. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
29. Notting Hill

30. Shakespeare in Love
31. Young Frankenstein
32. Blazing Saddles We don't need no stinkin' badges!
33. The Life of Brian Must be seen while under "the influence" to be appreciated.
34. The Joy Luck Club
35. Othello (the one with Lawrence Fishburne)
36. When Father Was Away on Business
37. Mother Debbie Rhynolds rocks!
38. True Romance
39. Dog Day Afternoon
40. Scarface
Say ello to my lil fren!
41. The Other Sister
42. Domenick & Eugene
43. Broken English
44. Reservoir Dogs
45. Snapper
46. The Onion Field
47. Pretty in Pink
(one of those movies like Ferris Beuller)
48. The Breakfast Club
49. The Green Mile

50. Philidelphia
51. Antwone Fisher
52. Corina, Corina
53. Goin' Down The Road (sorry, I am Canadian and I have no idea)
54. Sound of Music
55. Madame X
56. Imitation of Life
57. The Replacements
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Fiddler on the Roof
Loved this one, Anthony Quinn was better in Zorba though
60. The Road to Perdition
61. Dead Man Walking ( never saw this one, but wished Sean Penn dead....does that count?)
62. The Player
63. Doctor Zivago
64. Shindler's List
Didn't realize it was in black and white, till the very end.
65. The Dirty Dozen
66. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
67. Lolita (the original)
68. Shallow Hal
69. The Fine Young Cannibals
70. Round Midnight
71. American History X
72. The Outsiders
73. Rumblefish
74. Perfect Storm
75. A Bronx Tale
76. Fight Club
That one was fucked up!
77. 12 Angry Men
78. A Patch of Blue
79. Remember the Titans
81. Little Odessa
82. Moonstruck SNAP OUT OF IT!
83. Sixth Sense I did not catch on that he was dead.
84. Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean
85. The Professional
86. The Valley of the Dolls
87. Dead Calm

88. Zelig ( I avoid Woody Allen like the plague)
89. What's Up, Tiger Lily
90. The Party
91. Wait Until Dark
92. To Kill a Mockingbird
93. Empire
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl

97. Paris is Burning
98. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert Loved this one!
99. Rear Window
100. Irma LaDuce
101. Tribute
102. Harold & Maude
103. Clockwork Orange
104. This is Spinal Tap
105. Hardball

106. Slingblade (the publicity on this one killed it for me, gave it a pass)
107. Pay it Forward
108. As Good as it Gets

This is the last time, I promise.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Pass it on.

As seen on My2SecondShelfLife. Copy and paste the list and then you bold the movies you've seen. (you can delete my commentary)

1. X-Men
2. The Craft
3. X2

4. Swimfan
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo
7. Peter Pan
8. Home Alone
9. Aladdin
10. The Ring
11. 10 Things I Hate About You
12. Not Another Teen Movie

13. Spiceworld - even if I had...I would not admit this one.
14. 8 Mile
15. Bambi - a cruel trick on children.
16. Pirates of the Carribean

17. Edward Scissorhands - tried watching this a couple times, but OMG...too stupid for words.
18. Stepmom
19. My Best Friends Wedding
20. 101 Dalmatians
21. Scream
22. Scream 2

23. Scream 3 - finally gave up hoping that this movie would get better.
24. Big Daddy
25. Billy Madison
26. Chamber of Secrets
27. Sorcerer Stone
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber
30. Cruel Intentions
31. Scary Movie
?32. Look Who's Talking
33. Blade
34. Blade II

35. O
36. Titanic - but don't bother....he dies.
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage

39. Daddy Day Care - but I want to.
40. Legally Blonde
41. Austin Powers - all of them.
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company
44. Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks - seen all of them.
47. Fast and the Furious

48. 2Fast, 2 Furious - I heard Vin wasn't in this one, so I gave it a pass.
49. A Walk To Remember
50. TripleX
51. Beauty and the Beast - as well as Beautician and the Beast

52. I Know What You Did Last Summer - and yet I don't care.
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer - still don't care.
54. Sound of Music
55. Mary Poppins

56. Tuck Everlasting - another one that I will get around to.
57. The Patriot - even Mel couldn't foce me to watch this one.
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Teaching Mrs. Tingle - want to see this one too.
60. Crossroads - avoiding this one like the plague.
61. Now and Then - not sure but I did see Joshua Then and Now...probably not the same.
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married
64. Cast Away
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination - truly a fright flick. If you haven't seen so.
67. Lady and the Tramp
68. Shallow Hal

69. 40 Days and 40 Nights
70. Bring It On - oh it's all ready been broughten!
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix
74. Perfect Storm
75. Austin Powers 2
76. Never Been Kissed
77. Clueless
78. Bruce Almighty

79. Remember the Titans
81. Girl, Interrupted
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense
84. PhoneBooth
85. The Lion King
86. Urban Legends

87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2
89. Little Mermaid
90. American Pie
91. Center Stage
92. Scooby Doo
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. American Beauty
98. Romeo & Juliet
99. Lost World
100. Casper

Just thank God, that I didn't actually sit down and create a list of all the movies I have actually seen. That might frighten ya.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

If it ain't sh*t, you must acquit.

Ok, here's the scenario. Three cats, mine, his and my mothers. If his cat makes a mess he has to clean it up, if it is one of the others, I have to. Simple enough, right? Ok, Mr. Cochrane, I may have found a loophole. I believe the actual wording of the contract stated that if it was one of my cats he didn't have to clean it up.

My mothers cat, Babe, and the boy's cat, Oscar are eating from the dish. I walk in. I hear a gagging sound and look over. Babe has chucked his lunch. (I can't describe the whole picture because it would spoil the ending). I grab the cat by the tail, and as I am throwing him over the railing, I yell to the boy, trying hard not to laugh.

TheBoy: What?
ME: (I can't speak, I am in hysterics)
TB: What are you laughing at?
ME: Babe just got sick. (I completely lose it now.)
TB: (he starts to laugh also, which makes me laugh even harder) What are you laughing at, you have to clean it up. That's the deal.
ME: No, I believe the deal was, if it was one of my cats, you didn't have to clean it, there's a difference.
TB: So?
ME: So, I ain't cleaning this one.
TB: Well I ain't cleaning it.
ME: Oh, I think you are.
TB: Mom, we had a deal, you can't make me.
ME: Ah, here's the thing.(can hardly speak I am laughing so hard. I just had to pause for effect)Babe threw up.
TB: What? What are you laughing at? Babe is yours, you have to clean it up.
ME: Ya, Babe is my cat, but here's the thing, my cat threw up ( pause ) on your cat.

The boy turned green.

It was a thing of beauty, neatly done, all the way from his neck to his arse, not a drop on the floor, it was priceless and I almost pissed myself laughing.

Definitely a loophole you can drive a Mack truck through.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

All by my seeeeeelllllfff!

JEZUS! Enough with the singing. Last night I was working alone. Ok, so I wasn't the only one working but the two people I talk to the most were both AWOL. One was on "vacation" (who takes one vacation day?) the other was "sick".(Ya right) They left me, alone, with nothing to do. The people we usually make fun of were in rare form and I couldn't even ridicule them. Well I could have, but were is the fun in that? I need a laugh track.

Anyway, I will relate a story from another night....when the laugh track was present.

There are a couple of guys in our row. Not children, grown men. Who are very much into Dungeons and Dragons. One actually speaks the language. I want to call it Dragonian but I think that is it Draconian, or something. I am always asking them (as if I am interested) if they have to use funny voices when they play or if they dress up in costume.

Well this night, they were having a heated discussion about some stupid D&D thing. I tried to tune them out because, hey, sometimes it is just way too easy. When one of them gets up and says, rather dramatically,

�You would NOT catch me dead, sir, on Loyalist land!�

I turn, almost like I was not in control of myself, and said �Because THAT, my friend would just be WRONG!�

Amazingly he didn�t catch the sarcasm because as he was stalking away he added, �You got that right, sister!�

D&D is some serious, albeit ridiculous, stuff/

Monday, January 19, 2004

Till I'm sick of it, Alex.

What is.... when are you going to change that crap music on the left?

I am OCD, get used to it.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

And now for the continuing saga of...

As part of an ongoing feature of And another thing, along with tales from the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� I will be posting �Ways in which I torture the boy.�

This instalment will feature the boy and I having a conversation one morning at about 6am. I go in to wake him up.

ME: Rise and shine!
THE BOY: Get out! MOOOOOOOMMMM I�m sick.
ME: Right, Get out of bed. Your not sick.

He digs deeper, so I get in behind him and slowly push him out under the guise of trying to get comfortable.

ME: Hey! You should go turn on the radio��.maybe there isn�t even any school today.

Its Canada, its January, it is more than possible. The boy is laying on the floor where he fell.

THE BOY: You go check, please Mom.

We argue back and forth for a while, and finally he realizes that I am not getting out of his warm cozy bed and goes and turns on the radio.

TB: GOD MOM! Now you made me miss it, I got the end and it said no school in Truro.

He stumbles back in the bedroom.

TB : Will you go and listen to the radio so I can take a shower?
ME: Nope.
TB: Please?
ME: Just turn it up, I can hear it from here.
TB: No you can�t, please!
ME: Yes I can.
TB: Can not!
ME: Can too..
TB: No you can�t!
ME: Yes I can. Go turn it up and I will prove it.

He stamps into the living room, grumbling and moaning, turns up the radio and comes back in.

TB: Can you hear it?
ME: Nope.
TB: MOM!!! Get up and listen to it. I hate school! I�m too tired, I�m sick.
ME: Are you done?

He lays back down on the floor, face down. He is near tears.

ME: Hey, look on the bright side.
TB: What bright side?
ME: You don�t have to go to school in Truro.

This strikes me as hilarious and I laugh so hard my head hurts. The boy is looking at me like I have two heads. He is getting angry now.

TB: What are you laughing at? MOM! What are you laughing at?
ME: Well that would be one hell of a walk! And it is damn cold outside.

I can�t stand it, I go into the living room still busting a gut, the boy is still laying on the floor in his room. I listen to the radio and come back into his room.

ME: Good news!

He jumps up, looking at me expectantly.

TB: What? What? What?

ME: You don�t have to go to school in Digby or Cape Breton either!

I dodge some flying objects as I run from the room. Laughing hysterically. Ahhhh Motherhood!

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Dr. Phil would have a field day.

I don�t know if it�s the cat thing, or my period starting but I am feeling evil today. I thought I would share something with you.

Every single time I go into the bathroom I am faced with one of two things. Either the seat is up, or the boy has pissed all over it. Now, the boy has taken to hanging his favourite sweater on the hook in the bathroom. When he pisses on the seat, I take the sweater off the hook, wipe the seat with it and put it back. And I don�t tell him. (insert evil grin)

I don�t know if the boy reads the blog but he should. After all, it may be helpful for him to know how utterly insane his mother really is.

Your right, better he doesn�t know. The element of surprise and all that.

That reminds me of a conversation we had:

THE BOY: He is eating his supper, �You know what I hate about you?�
ME: �The fact that I spit in your food?� The look on his face is worth the cost of his potential therapy.
ME: �Relax, will ya. I don�t spit in your food.� He sighs. �Only in your drinks. I put snot in your food.�

He chases me into my room where I am laughing hysterically.

June Cleaver, I ain�t.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Ok, Christmas is finally over.

I know, I know. It was over long ago. But today I finally took down the rest of the decorations. Your saying, "Slacker!" and you are right. And the only reason it is getting done now is to keep me from butchering getting rid of my cats.

I don't know if you remember the two demon adorable kittens I had have, but today they broke me, and I threw them, one after another, out through the broken window in the door (courtesy of the boy) over the railing of the deck to the driveway below.

As they were flying through the air I heard (in my head) "PULL!" and wished to god I had a shotgun. I am just hoping now that after a couple of hours outside in -31 wind chill, I can just shovel them up and take them straight to the taxidermist.

Don't give me that look! For some reason, known only to them, they think that the only place to shit in the universe is on, under or beside my papasan chair.

(This is not exactly the same as mine, but you get the idea)

And if someone is dutifully watching said chair, any towel on the floor is fair game. Pick up the towel you say? Tell that to the boy!

Any cat lovers out there better send me some suggestions, other than snapping their necks, cuz I have Dave's Taxidermy on speed dial.

Actually, its N as in Neil.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah...

I am on the phone with Kevin, I tell him his options. We continue on. That is what I love about Pro. They know what they want, who they need to speak to and how much it is going to cost them. They are generally patient and most will just chat about the weather (which is a hot topic when they find out I am from the 'frozen north') while I make notes and get their case ready for transfer.

I am getting Kevin's credit card information and he is rubbing it in that he lives in California and his office overlooks the ocean. "Just for that, Kevin, I am charging you extra." We laugh like idiots. I get to the part where he tells me what name is on the card. Kevin N Whatshisname and I say.

"N as in Nancy?"

He stops for a second, "Actually, its N as in Neil. My parents were not that cruel."

I lost it. The two of us could barely keep it together. I was trying hard not to laugh so I was just giggling. The girls behind me started to comment that I was giggling and that made me laugh more.

It was a long night. Thanks, Kevin.

And another thing...

I have added a new section to the menu bar. Resources. I will be adding links to helpful pages so you all can benefit from my vast experience. Try not to roll your eyes.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Half way to 70!

So, I am talking to the geek today.
Disclaimer: I call him the geek because I don't want to name him and he knows absolutely everything there is to know about computers. I don't consider geek a derogatory term because I wish desperately that I was one.

Anyway, I digress.

I am talking to the geek today. "The fan on my motherboard is making a sound, slowing down and speeding back up. That can't be good right?"

He proceeds to talk to me like I am an idiot, he does this a lot. (I know it is a bad thing,,,,,,I was trying to be funny.) What I was really saying, if he would just read between the lines, is: What do they cost and where I can get one? And more importantly, do you have one and will you put it in for me?

His girlfriend is in the background, have I been on messenger yet? No, why? Never mind, he says and giggles, �I�m not telling�.�.

Ok, what am I missing? I go on messenger. I look around, what should I be seeing? I do notice that his name is changed to �Half way to 70� could that be it? Can�t be. Ok, I�ll bite. �What am I looking for?�

�Oh, I am soooo putting a crayon comment on your blog!� Ok, so it is something I am missing that is completely obvious.

The girlfriend in the background says, �Why do you talk to her like that? You don�t treat me that way.�

�That�s why you are still the girlfriend�, I say. If he talked to her like that she would have beaten him to a quivering mass of jelly long ago.

Ok, maybe it is the name. �What does half way to 70 mean?�

�What is half of 70?�



�Are you 35 today, G.r.o.g?�
Apparently the date of his birth is right up there with Christ, he can�t believe I didn�t know it.


Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Time for your meds, Dave.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah...

A little girl, sing-song voice comes on the phone, that is clearly not coming out of a little girl, "I took my medicine."

�That�s nice, Dave.�

Dave is a regular at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� when he is not on his meds, he is very irate. So I guess he was just letting me know that he was ok tonight. I know he has a computer, and he does have a problem with it, but when he is off his meds, he is pretty much incoherent and ranting, and when he is on his meds, it goes more like this.

�Are you having a problem with your computer, Dave?�

�I took my mmmmmeeeedddddiiiiiiiiiccccccciiiiiinnnnnneeeee!�

�Cool, Dave. Are you having a problem with the compute tonight?�

�Do you take medicine, Evel?�

�No, Dave. I do not take medicine.�

�I take Prozac, do you take Prozac?�

�No, Dave, but I heard it was one of the better ones.�

Most of the rest of the conversation is pointless and eventually I hang up.

Amanda got him tonight, Now remember,,, little girl voice.

�You know what my boyfriend bought me?�

Amanda is trying to get him to tell her if he has a problem with his computer, but he isn�t giving up.

�Ok, Dave. What did your boyfriend give you?�

Fits of laughter, �Two thaaaaaawwwwwnnngs.�

Amanda hooks him, I ask her, �Well? Did you at least find out what color?�

She is no fun at all.

Friday, January 9, 2004

Holy Shit!

It is fucking' cold.
Temperature steady minus 18. Cold wind chill minus 31.

Yank translation: Minus 18C = ZERO degrees F, and minus 31C?.....a lot fuckin' colder than that.(about minus 25) You heard me! Minus fucking twenty five!

So, your freezing point is 32? that means that it is 32 degrees colder than that, and then 25 degrees more fucking cold!

Wait a minute? Ok, never mind, that last part is wrong, I think? I don't know, I think I just put myself in the south pole, but you get the is fucking cold. And sorry for the swearing but it is not merely IS fucking cold. And when you are fucking cold, you can not do math.

In my experience.

UPDATE: I take it back, not even James Bond could get it up in this weather.


I went from 8 pages of error code, to this:

And I would fix them, if I had any earthly idea what the hell it means.

Let me know if it still gives you a headache, Mike.

Back to the drawing board.

As much as I absolutely love this template. It is unfortunately riddled with script errors. Invalid html code and so much more I can't get into. I suppose I should have checked it before I started to use it, but I just figured that anyone who could make a template knew what they were doing, and they deffinately know more than I do, which means, I was the one to screw it up while messing with it.

If anyone out there can make me a similar template, sans coding errors, please let me know. I really, really, really, like this layout. How hard can it be? Ok, so what your saying is I should just do it myself? Why do I have to do it myself, everyone else gets to use premade templates. (insert whine here)

Someone out there will take pity on me. Won't they? (insert Scarlet O'Hara accent) I often rely on the kindness of strangers.

Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

Taken from A Small Victory. Aparently I am the Godfather. Interesting. I wonder how many people who know me personally would agree?

Thursday, January 8, 2004

Thou shall not covet thy neighbors ...
cleaning lady.

Don't lie to me, man. I know you are coveting. You are sooooo coveting.

In case you are wondering "What does Evel covet?"

It's my bigass Tim Horton mug. The one on the left is a regular mug, holds a large coffee. The one on the right, the big ass mug, holds...wait for it......a whole pot of coffee. I love this thing, Sonny gave it to me (without too much whining) for Christmas. I haven't actually used it yet. How do I? Without my friends organizing a coffee addict intervention and force me into some twelve step program?

Actually a lot of people at work have this thing. You are not supposed to drink directly from them, but that hasn't stopped some people. After all, those warnings are just put on their for the same morons they put "lather, rinse, repeat" on shampoo bottles. Right? It is quite amusing to watch. Even though it looks ridiculous? I have wanted one since I first laid eyes on it.

Oh ya, I was coveting, and I am not ashamed to admit it. And you can have it, when you pry it out of my cold, dead, caffeine stained hands.

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

Apple's and Oranges

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is....blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I can't get my modem installed."

"What operating system are you running on that pc?"

"I don't' have a pc, I have an apple."

"Have you called apple, sir?"

"No, I need to get on the internet."

"Um, this is orange sir, we don't have people trained in apple."

He is very agitated now, "This has nothing to do with apple! I need to get on the internet and orange IS the fuckin' internet!"

Really? Hey, I think this guy must owe us money then. I wonder if Bill is aware that he owns the internet? Maybe we can get some of these dipshits kicked off? I will have to look into that. There has got to be some perks to working for "orange".

"Um, no sir, we are not the internet. And we don't have anyone here trained in the use of apple, you will have to call them."

"Oh, I see what this is, you are trying to get me to pay for it. You people at "orange", always in it for the money."

"Actually, sir, I couldn't even charge you for support, you have called orange, and your product is apple. We can't help you."

"Well, that's just great, my brother-in-law told me that you people have taken control of my computer, and that is why I can't get on the internet. I tell you what, I will never buy another orange product for as long as I live."

As far as I can tell he hasn't bought one yet, so I think its safe to say that Bill's kids can still go to college. He is ranting in the background but I have tuned him out. Oh, shit....he is giving the wife the phone.


"Yes, mamme, I was just telling your husband that here at "orange" we have no one here that can help him with his apple."

"Dis eez owange?"
She starts screaming at her husband in some language and even though I don't speak it, I get the gist of it. "So sawwy."

"Not a problem."
Your the one who married him, I am deeply sawwy for you.

Monday, January 5, 2004


People are still commenting on the fact that my nails are no longer long. And I don't paint them "all weird like". So I am actively growing them again.

Check back in a couple of weeks. Till then, get off my back, Man.

Sunday, January 4, 2004

So far, so good.

Now as long as I don't totally screw it up, this should be the new template.

Fingers crossed.

It is late, I will stop now. Quit while I am ahead.

Friday, January 2, 2004

ok, maybe not.

Ok, that was a traumatic experience......I totally slaughtered the site. Thank god I saved an old template.....I am going to stop now. Why can't I find a plain, clean uncluttered template for a blog that doesn't look like a fuckin' romance novelist threw up on it? I just want what I have, but maybe a little more streamlined, is that so much to ask? Nevermind....I am getting upset and I don't feel like ranting right now. (I said it....didn't I?)

Under Construction.

That's right, I am screwing with the stylesheets again. Might even get a whole new template, not sure, depends on how bad I fuck this one up.

If anyone wants to pitch in and help, please do. I think I need a whole new look here.

UPDATE: Man, that looks like shit! HELP!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2004

Another year down the crapper and I spent it at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. All was not a total waste, here are some of the highlights.

We set up for our rip-roaring party.

Chris gets into the spirit.

Doesn't Amanda look impressed?

We are so prepared it makes the others sick.

Cathe had a bit too much to drink, I think.

I took a picture of Chris at the stroke of midnight for his wife. We were having a pity party on messenger with her.

Looks like a bunch of drunken sailors blew through here. (I wish)

I hope you all had a safe and Happy New Year.