Sunday, August 31, 2008

They just don't make 'em like that anymore.

My sister is what you call 'high maintenance'. She is my complete opposite. She is thin, I am not. She is always dressed to the nines, I dress for coverage, period. She is a tanner, I could signal ships at night with my pasty, white thighs. You get the picture.

She has been working a new job in New Brunswick. She works 6 days a week so she rarely makes it home, but managed to swing it for the Labour Day weekend. She calls me at 9:47PM, Saturday night, from the half way point. (The 'when' is important.)

She is frantic. "Do you have Bruce on your messenger?" Bruce is a former co-worker who happens to own the Golden Oasis Tanning Salon.

"No, but I can check to see if he is online, what do you need him for?"

"I need a tan."
She said it like she 'needed' a fix.

"Uh, It's 10pm, I am pretty sure they are closed and tomorrow is Sunday."

"They are open on Sunday."

"Are you sure? This is a long weekend."

She is distraught. You have to understand, my sister is a tanning junkie. I don't think I have ever seen her 'natural' color except for in old pictures. The woman had open heart surgery last year and what she was most distressed about was that her tan had faded. I kid you not.

I don't really expect to get anywhere with it, but I message Bruce. He is aware of my sister's 'problem' but he is renovating the salon and informs me it will be closed on Sunday as well as Monday.

I relay this to my sister. Judging her reaction, you would swear someone kicked her dog. "I have a farmer's tan, I am desperate." I am not sure exactly what a farmer's tan is, but by the way she spat out the words, I am figuring it can't be good.

Long and short of it. After a bit of whining Bruce took pity and said if she didn't mind the mess he would meet her in the morning and let her get a tan.

Who does that in this day and age? You just don't get that kind of customer service anymore. Now, mind you, it is not something he would do everyday, but he recognized an actual damsel in distress and went above and beyond.

If I ever decide to get naked and stuff my fat ass into a lighted tube, Golden Oasis Tanning is the place I will do it.

No Bruce, that is not a threat.

Friday, August 29, 2008


Cousin Jean (Jeanie Weanie) dug up some old pictures of us. That's me on the left.

This is huge, because my mother has none of me before I was in school. I used to tease my mother that I was adopted. And she could not prove otherwise.

How freakin' cute were we?


The old girl is gone. I have to say Kijiji rocks! (Sorry Tena)

I really didn't intend to sell so quickly. I had planned to put it in the Barter and possibly the paper and see what I could get for it.

Then someone said, "You should put it on Kijiji." Since I was bored at work with nothing to do, I listed it.

Before I got the activation of my account complete, I had 4 emails on it and someone actually stopped by to see it. By the next morning, someone was making arrangements to come by after work to purchase it.

Less than 24 hours later, the old girl was driving off into the sunset with her new owner.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The saga continues.

I think I need my head examined. I decided (late Sunday afternoon) to tear up this crappy blue carpet. Sort of glad I did, got some nice looking hardwood underneath.

There are a few spots of paint here and there, but I don't think I will even have to sand it, it is pretty well preserved. The bitch will be trying to do it without moving the furniture out of the room.

Ya never know what you're gonna find though. I was lucky that it was not glued down and that there was no underlay. That stuff is hard to get up.

But I did find this? They didn't even bother to try and cover it first.

I don't even want to imagine what might come up through those holes. I really need to get some molding.

And fast.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Did I miss something?

When did it become copacetic to work in the food service industry with nails and shit pounded into your face?

Am I supposed to find that appetizing?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Screw the environment!

I brought out the big guns, toxic chemicals.

I knew I could not live with getting those mofo's drunk and letting them pass out and pass on to that great fruit basket in the sky. I am much too bloodthirsty for that.

I am willing to spray this shit on my food if that is what it takes to rid myself of them.

I am all for poking another big ol' hole in the ozone.

I want them to eat shit, choke and die!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Can't wait for winter.

Mostly because I am tired. Tired of fighting this unending (losing) battle with nature. Namely ants and fruit flies. (The raccoons have moved on it seems.)

The only options I have been given for the ant problem consists of me 'living' with them while I slowly poison them. I can't seem to accomplish this because as soon as I see one I just have to kill it. Defeating the purpose of the borax and sugar concoction sitting on my counter. I know they have to eat it and take it back to the hill to share with the others but as soon as I see those little suckers, my knee jerk reaction is to squash the life out of them while screaming 'Die, you prick!'.

While the ants are one-here-one-there, the friut flies are starting to send me over the edge. The best solution is (I am told) booze in a glass with saran wrap on top. I have no booze, so why do I have so many? It is too weird what these things will congregate on. You would think from their name that they would enjoy a piece of friut. Not so, tried it. They like coffee pot, the bread bag and recenlty I discovered they love ketchup.

So, I formulated a plan. I put coffee grounds and ketchup on a coffe filter and set it in the microwave. After an hour I came back and it was litterally riddled with fruit flies. I slam the door with a "AH HA!" Set it for 60 seconds and listen to the popping. Gleeful, I was. I hear the triumphant ding as the cycle finishes, throw open the door to view their little corpses.

My blood went cold, they all flew out! I kid you not! Every single one of them. WTF?

And to add insult to injury, any time you see more than one in the same spot....they are going at it like rabbits.

I really hate nature.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Alone, but not lonely.

There is a difference. A big one.

I enjoy living alone. I do miss The Boy, but I think I am getting more quality time with him now than I have in a long time.

That would be one of the many differences between my sister and I. I enjoy alone, and it doesn't make me lonely. She (I believe) is terrified of alone. She spends two nights in a row without visitors and she is lonely.

Might be the age difference (only five years)but it seems that she is most worried about ending up alone. I, on the other hand, figure I have done my time, eleven years with TBF (Karla Holmoka only got 12). My plan is at around 65 (if I make it that long) I will find an old guy at the home to hang out with.

But for now, alone is fantastic.

Friday, August 15, 2008

It's just wrong.

Been in a funk for a few days now. Had to go to two different wakes for two children in the same day.

One little girl was 11 the little boy was 16 months. Both killed in a car accident.

It's just wrong.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Are you kidding me?

Beheaded man identified

Imagine. This guy is sitting on a bus, minding his own business, when some complete stranger just decides that he wants to calmly...

"There was no rage or anything. He was like a robot, stabbing the guy,"

I kid you not.

On a bus, driving down the road, in the middle of Butt-Fuck-Nowhere, Manitoba. How could you possibly see something like that coming?

I can't imagine that this is the first time this nutt bar did something crazy. No one goes from Joe Citizen to Murderous Fucktard in the blink of an eye.

I think we will inevitably learn, that this guy has been not-so-subtly telling people, "I am a fucking lunatic!" Dude was hacking off pieces of this kid and eating it. Someone in this assholes life had to know he was not wound right, and no one gave a shit enough to lock his ass up.

What exactly is this world coming to?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Where do you turn?

There are some things you just can't buy at a retail store anymore, and thank God there are people like you and me who never throw anything out.

Let's say you are decorating the new cottage at the lake. One of those big ol' stuffed fish would look really great over the mantle. Problem is, you're not much of a fisherman and any time you catch anything over three inches long, your wife just wants to throw it out, or worse - cook it. Plus, the mantle is four feet wide, and let’s face it, nothing that big is coming out of that lake without search and rescue.

Well you won't find a Stuffed-Fish-R-Us store, but somewhere there is a woman staring at just what you need. And she is thinking, 'If that thing doesn’t go, the wedding is off!' or ‘I wonder if I set it on fire, would he believe it was an act of God?’

Half the time I buy things I can't even identify. If it looks interesting, I buy it. For instance, I just happen to have a Weston Model 703 Foot-Candle Meter. I have no idea what it is for, but it is old and came in a cool leather case. Don’t laugh, you never know, I might need that someday. (It could happen! Shut up!)

I took The Boy to the flea market once, as we were browsing I stopped to look at a record player. I actually needed one, I had been thinking of dragging my record collection out of mothballs.

As we are discussing the sale my son walks up and lifts the dome. "Where do the CD's go?"

The woman and I have one of those 'you know you are old when' moments and she gives me a pleading look, "Make it go away." I send The Boy on a mission to find hubcaps.

But I ask you, where are you going to purchase a record player or a foot-candle meter, for that matter, if not from someone else who has one? Flea markets are great in the summer, but this is Canada. What do we do during the 10 months of winter? When we absolutely gotta have it?
• A stove to match that avocado green fridge, or a purple toilet to match the tub
• A floor model version of Cat Com Bowling Arcade machine
• 20-30 year old telephone poles (They are great for clothes line's)
• A Copy of “Descriptive Atlas of Western Canada” dated 1899 (I bet ya they don't have that one at Coles.)
• A 1946 Hudson Commodore (Way cool!)
• A Cute & cuddly Bishonfrise (Okay, I have no idea what that is, but if I wanted it I could get it right here.)

Where else are you gonna find a horse drawn cultivator, or walking plow? Canadian Tire? I don't think so.

If you need it, someone out there has it. All you gotta do is let your fingers do the walking.

Thankfully they don’t have a twelve step program for pack rats.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Poor choice of words perhaps?

I was reading this article.

Deaths that shocked us

How many of these 'actually' shocked you? Not many I bet.

I can count on one hand, and have a couple fingers left over.

I mean really. How can you be shocked by drug overdoses, or airplane crashes. Homicides, yes. But if a big, fat, rock star junkie dies of a heart attack or OD's, is that really shocking?

A Beach Boy drowning. Yeah, that's real shocking.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Can you say 'over the top'?

The Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was quite the spectacle. Then why was I so unimpressed?

Thousands of drummers, thousands of dancers, all in sync. Fireworks, fireworks and more fireworks. Inside the stadium and all over the city.

All that, and what I remember is one tiny dot of light, that kept going out too fast or on too slow. I was thinking, 'That guy has an expanding hollow point bullet to the head in his future.' If I beat my dog long enough it will do the trick perfectly every time too.

Everything was just so over the top. Even the touting of the 'green games'. Kind of a joke, considering China has 16 of the worlds top 20 polluting cities within its borders.

Someone's overcompensating for something, don't you think?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

A woman car scorned.

I am now in possession of (count 'em) two cars. (That's the old girl, in red)

Its just too bad I can't drive either one of them. Neither is inspected and the new one has no plates.

In order to transfer my plates to the new car I need to first get it inspected. Now, as long as there is nothing wrong and that goes smoothly, I can transfer my plates to the new car. Simple, right?

Yeah right! Problem is that all this will cost in the vicinity of three hundred dollars. Do I have three hundred dollars, you ask? No, I do not.

So, 'that's okay' I say. I can just drive the old girl for another two weeks.
ME: "You and me for a couple more weeks, Old Girl."
OG: "Fuck you bitch! You parked that skank whore in my yard and expect a little sum'in sum'in from me? You better back that shit up right there!"
ME: "But sweety..."
OG: "Don't you fuckin' sweety me!"

I tried to ignore her, start her up and drive away. She literally wouldn't shut up. The roar that came out of her you would not believe. There is no way I can drive that through town without turning some heads.
OG: "I don't know what made you think you could play me this way!"

His name is Murphy, and I live by his code.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Exciting day!

Pretty exciting day today. My EEE Pc arrived at 10:11am. I almost missed the Puralator guy, they never seem to realize that the stairs for the top floor are on the outside of the building.

I had been watching for him but, of course, the second I hit the head he pulls up. Came out and caught a glimpse of the truck out the window and raced down the steps.

I don't know if you realize the visual here. I am not exactly what you would call 'graceful', not many fat chicks are. But I made 'er down almost safely if you don't account for the almost having a heart attack once I got back up. After about 5 minutes of recovery breathing time, I cracked the package open.

It is the cutest thing you have ever seen and you are surfing 2 minutes after turning it on. No real setup except for the time zone and connecting to your wireless network. Nothing like the two hours I spent getting The Boy's laptop up and running.

A big thank you goes out to WillB, he is the one who hooked me up with this offer in the first place. And to all you out there who doubted we would actually get one of these things and decided not to go for it?


And another thing...
I was published today,

Welcome to the MrBarters readers.

A ringing endorsement?

I ran into one of my former co-workers from the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ at the grocery store. (We will call her 'Brandy') She was saying how much she enjoys the blog (but never seems to comment..grrr). As we are at the checkout, she tells me that she was reading it one day and laughing, when a guy that shares the office with her comes over to see why.

"He asked what you were like and if you were single."

I roll my eyes. "Good God, I just got rid of one man in my house. Wait a minute, does he have money?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Suppose he at least has a job, that's something. Wait, is he cute?"

Brandy giggles, "Um, I do know he has a lot of air miles."

I address the cashier who has been listening to the exchange, "That would be the male equivalent of 'she's got a great personality'."

Shame, they can't even say that much about me.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

New to me.

Got my new car today. Well, it's new to me and only had one other owner, Nurse Darling.

It's a 1998 Toyota Corolla, 5 speed.

I have a laundry list of things I want to buy for her. Wheel covers, being the most obvious. But I also need seat covers and a steering wheel cover, etc...

I am selling the old girl. A 1997 Chevy Cavalier. Shame really, I just had a shitload of work done to it. Breaks, shocks, struts, muffler. But Nurse Darling had told me she wasn't getting a new car until next year, so I put all my money into fixing the old girl.

However, as soon as Nurse Darling saw this little beauty, she couldn't resist. I asked The Boy if I should sell the old girl or did he want it. You know what he said?

"Go ahead and sell it." WTF?

Does he think he will get a better offer than 'free' for a car? Sometimes I don't understand what is going on in that boys head. So sell 'er we shall.

Anyone interested?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

One step closer.

My confirmation letter from RBC for the EEE PC actually arrived ahead of schedule. (yesterday) I was not expecting it until the 12th or 13th, but here it is.

And I am so glad, the second it arrives I am firing this old laptop right out the window. Literally. Maybe sooner if I have to reboot one more freakin' time today.

After following the instructions in the letter, I get this:
Thank you for choosing RBC Royal Bank®. You should receive your ASUS Eee PC by courier within 5-10 business days depending on your location. We hope you will enjoy all of the benefits that come with your new banking account. And we know you will enjoy your new ASUS Eee PC.

Tick tock.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Ahoy, Cap'n!

My cousin, Sonny the Geek, turned 45 the other day. I tease him all the time that he is spoiled. Coming from a family of 7 children, and being the only son.

His parents have vanity plates on their car that says, 'HI SON'. They also have a boat that they named (of course) HI SON. I am sure it pisses the sisters off to no end, but that is how they roll.

So Sonny turns 45 and what do you suppose the parents give him for his birthday? This little trinket.

It's a 53 foot converted fishing boat, if I am not mistaken. Luckily I am his favorite cousin.

I think I see my deck chair on the bow.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Set in stone.

I am about to be published. In print. Ok, so it's not the New York Times or even the local newspaper, but it is print.

The owner of the local buy and sell paper asked me to do a column. Like an advice column. I had been doing a few ads for her here and there and she has recently become 'addicted' (as she puts it) to the blog.

For now I thought I would do a few opinion pieces, you know, til people get where I am coming from. Then see if they will submit questions.

I have discovered that I have become completely OCD about the whole thing. I think I sent her 4 different drafts and edits. Finally had to get someone to read it and edit it for me. Thanks to Anna, who agreed to be my official editor.(She reads books and shit all the time.)

All the anxiety is coming from the fact that this really is set in stone. Once it is published you can't go back and fix mistakes. Not like on the blog, when two days later you re-read something, notice the grammar is wrong and backspace the hell out of it. Once this thing is printed, that is it!

I won't have a fingernail left or a hair on my head til this thing is printed and I get some reaction. Good or bad.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

"It's Morphin' Time!"

Have been watching one of the new fall shows, Flashpoint. I know it's not fall yet, but I will still call it the new fall season.

Anyway, I really like this one. But can you see Amy Jo Johnson as anything other than the pink Power Ranger?

Every time she comes on camera, all I can hear is that theme song. The one that I was tortured with for years when The Boy was small. He watched the show over and over, he had all the toys and action figures, he was obsessed like every other kid back then.

At least it was better than Barney. That purple beast and all his little brainwashed friends, made me want to slit my throat.

No I won't say I love you too....fuck off! (Great! Now that one is stuck in my head)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

I brought him up right.

I sleep in today, knowing I was totally out of coffee and sugar and so flat broke there was no hope I was getting any til payday.

I roll out of bed at 2pm and fire up the computer. Fist thing...The Boy messages me.
TheBoy says:
did you want to borrow 20 or soo till you get paid?
Evel @ Home says:
ya, that would be cool
TheBoy says:
im gonna get a shower and see if i can come over ill talk to you in a bit

Now I try and wrack my brain, how did he know I was broke? Did someone tell him? Who was I whinning to last night?

So he arrives about 10 minutes later with the life-saving twenty bucks.

The Boy, "Are you hungry? Wanna go to McDonald's?"

So yeah, The Boy takes me to McDonald's. And pays for it.

No, this was not a dream I had, it really happened. I think I must have done something right.

And you all scoffed at the whole digging a hole in the backyard thing.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Speaking of headstones...

Stop me if you have heard this one before.

After my father died in 1989, maybe a couple of months later, we were at the cemetery, checking out the new headstone. My mother decided to have her name put on it at that time instead of waiting, you know, til she was dead.

Any hoo...we are standing there admiring it. They had done a nice job on it, and had put as much information as you can put on a headstone while a person is still alive. They (the headstone makers)had decided to put her birth year, then her name, then 19--, a space for the last two numbers.

I read it twice before it hit me. I started to chuckle. This irritates my mother, "What is so funny?"

"Are you looking at it?"

"What? Its a beautiful headstone."

"Ya but apparently they only give you ten years to live. A bit harsh, don't ya think?"

She was soon having that changed.