Saturday, December 31, 2005

Random thoughts for the end of 2005!

Things I know to be true:

- No matter what time of night or day.....Ricky Martin will make you dance.

- If you absolutely need to be will snow like a son of a whore. And if you buy a snow blower, you are absolutely guaranteed to have no snow worth blowing.

- Bread always lands butter side down...unless there is cheese on the other side.

- Once you hit 40, anything you say about the opposite sex will sound lecherous.

- Susan Lucci needs to stop wearing open neck dresses. (Gobble, Gobble) That ship has sailed Erica! (believe me, it is much worse in person)

- Some people just can not sing live. You know who you are, Faith Hill. Do us all a favor and lip sync for Christ's sake.

- If you want people to think that is your real hair, your beard cannot be drastically different from said hair.

- If there is a winning lottery ticket in the store...the guy in front or behind you will purchase it.

- Mustaches only work for Magnum PI and 70's porn stars. Let - it - go.

Things I have been overheard as saying:

- While admiring a particularly yummy piece of man ass (was that politically correct? No? Good, that is what I was going for.)"Ah, if only I were ten years younger... I would still be a pedophilia, but, my God, that kid is gorgeous."

- Someone suggested I 'go for it'. I replied, "Good grief! I just don't have the bone structure for that anymore."

- "How's that workin' out for ya?"

- "Look, I don't really care what your phone number is, you can make something up for all I care." I was in a mood, and hopefully not getting call coached.

- "Women love men in a different way, like you love the village idiot." Can't remember where I had heard that, but it is true.

- When I realized my son had downloaded an entire album by Wham. "You know, Mom will love you even if you are gay."

- "You know how they say that inside every fat woman is a thin one screaming to get out? I know this is true...because I ate her."

- "Did you just say, if he walks like a duck? ...Dude, if he walks like a duck, you can be reasonably sure he is mentally ill. Who the fuck walks like a duck?"

Random stupid things:

- A break-in at a local residence netted the thieves eight restricted hand guns, Police are concerned that " they may fall into the wrong hands..."
HELLO, they are already in the wrong hands, Moron!

- This is what my sister considers an appropriate Christmas tree. Yes, that is copper pipe.

- A woman was struck and killed while taking her daily walk. This is why I only walk to the car, exercise kills.

- A woman was found dead in a trunk at a local school. Police are not confirming if there was any foul play. WTF? How the hell do you think she got into the trunk?

- - Why do advertisers think I will believe their claims if all they have to back it up is a cartoon? "Hey, that cartoon clearly shows this product curing cancer. That is enough for me, by gum!"

- A murder suicide happened locally about a week ago. The police are still investigating. What the hell is there to investigate. Uh, the one with the gun is the killer.

That's all I have time for. Hope you have a great New Year. See you in 2006.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Proof of my possession.

Almost forgot to take pictures of what was inside all those many cans I gave out for Christmas this year.

The mice are always a big hit, along with the chocolate covered cherry balls and the shortbread cookies. However, the entity that once inhabited my body (namely one of Martha Stewarts producers) has left the building and I am back to microwave dinners.

But on my own, unpossessed, I do boil a mean piece of toast.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

And you thought you had problems.

I don't know where this little guy came from,

or where he thought he was going, but he has real problems. I found him sliding across my frozen driveway in search of? I know not what. He has no chance. As soon as a crow catches sight of him, he is a goner.

And how was your day?

And another thing...

This is what my thoughtful son purchased for me out of the goodness of his heart and apparently nine dollars and ninety seven dollars of his own money.

All I can say is, has he met me?

Can anyone tell me the age a man has to be before his mother stops gets crappy gifts like this? And if someone out there says, "as soon as he gets a girlfriend" then I say, "Please God, don't let him be gay.

Thank God for my sister, aren't these cute?

If it wasn't for her I would end up with nothing for xmas but those God awful pink footy slippers.

Christmas, a chance for all the crappy musicians to get some air time.

I am sitting watching a Christmas special. It is being broadcast on a local station. You know the kind of program I am talking about. If you sing or play an instrument, come on down we will put you on the air for the torture entertainment of the masses.

Now we do have quite a few really talented people in Pictou County. A couple (JD Fortune and George Canyon) are even pretty famous. But, of course, they will not be performing on this program. Instead we get the B performers, which are still pretty damn good. We also, however, get the C and D performers. Like I said, if they show up at the studio with a guitar, they are ushered on stage.

My favorite from this program so far is...gosh I can't remember his name. He will probably thank me for this, so as not to have his name attached to the song he had written. Here are just a few lines of the song:
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly.
I wish I could say the tune was catchy, but I would be lying. I just wonder if this kid was on some sort of mood altering medication when he wrote this slop.

Then we have one of the reporters, Liz Rigney. Clearly a frustrated artist who could not make it as a singer, so is now making my ears bleed with her rendition of 'Oh Holy Night'. I wish I could describe the degree in which she is slaughtering this song. Picture SNL's Sweeney Sisters (Dunn and Hooks)without the harmony.

Oh, its John Gracie. Whoa, he's wearing some Ray Charles glasses. Groovy, but completely inappropriate. He's jazzing up 'The Christmas Song'. "Oh yeah, Chestnuts roasting baby!"

And Doris Mason. She is a pretty decent jazz artist so this should be good. Oh great, she is singing with her nieces. GROAN! A song the kids wrote. Time to hit mute.

Finally, some real entertainment. Son's of Maxwell, singing Cape Breton Christmas. A funny Christmas song, toe tapping music. They are always entertaining. Click the link and scroll a little to the song clip, you will see what I mean.

Well, I think I will go clean the blood out of my ears. Seems they will be broadcasting a similar horror show for New Year's Eve.

Can't wait.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Everyone needs a slogan, right?

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page you will see my slogan. Changes every 30 seconds and is supplied by

Very cool.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas!

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I was greeted this afternoon by my landlord, baring gifts.

And I reciprocated in kind. Luckily I was under the delusion that I was baking for the army this year and ended up with 14 cans of cookies and candy.

You see, I usually bake for all of my family and all of the boys fathers family as well. Only I forgot that I don't do that anymore.

It's an age thing.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Break out the BBQ!

She's warmed up to a balmy zero degrees Celsius, bye! Last night it was minus ten!

That's 14 degrees Fahrenheit for those of you from the 3 remaining countries not on the metric system. (You know who you are and look what good company you are in.)

All would be fine if the people down stairs will stop trying to cook me. They control the heat and I swear they walk around naked all day with the windows open. That would be the only reason I can think of for them to have the heat blazing 24/7.

Now that I am thawed, I can go for coffee.


Just got some insider information about the underhanded practices of the WallyWorld employee.

Their policy - during a sale there is a moratorium on employee purchases of sale items until the sale is over. This is supposed to give the general public first dibbs on sale merchandise. If there are any left after the sale, the employee can purchase it at the sale price minus their employee discount.

Sounds about right, eh?

This is how the employees get around it. Say there is only one of those aforementioned 20" TV's on sale for $99. (remember that one, from the flyer?)The cashier really wants that TV, but he's got another 4 days before he can purchase that TV under the policy.

What does he do?

He tells any customer who asks that all he has left is display models!

I tell you what. If I had known this when I was in the store, Gordon would be picking his teeth up off the floor!

And how was your day?

Thursday, December 22, 2005

It's always sadder during the holidays.

Two days after Wayne Gretzky announced that he would take a leave of absence from his coaching duties with the Phoenix Coyotes to be with his ailing mother, she passes away.

It is always sadder when it happens over the holidays, but at least he had some time with her. She was surrounded by her family at the end, that is all a person can hope for.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I think I may have created a monster.

Adam has put his money where his mouth is. He is going full speed ahead on the creation of Fuck Off Day.

The merchandising profits alone would be phenomenal.

I am with ya, Buddy! Let me know when it's official, so I can book that day off work.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The ol' bait and switch.

They wonder why people get irate in the stores. I don't, I try and avoid the mall this time of year. There are enough other detatched stores in my area where a person doesn't get trampled.

Yesterday, after a 13 hour shift, Kimmy and I went to buy TV's for our boys. I was planning on getting one at the local Superstore (a grocery/department store)and so was she although she was after much bigger fish. In, out that was the plan.

Then I pick up the flyer for WallyWorld. 20" TV for $99. Can't beat that right? But what are the chances they actually have any left? I have to give it a hook.

New Plan, slip into WallyWorld (located in the mall) if they have the TV, great, if not we are out of there. It was a good plan, a brilliant plan but WallyWorld is an evil place.

We get into the electronics department and Kimmy spots a TV that she likes at a better price than Superstore. I also see one that is cheaper than the one I had planned to purchase. But I have to ask about the ones in the flyer first. We locate a WallyWorld employee, Gordon.

Gordon is a 40 something bald on the top man, who just won't let go of the long hair on the sides. You have seen them before. "Oh Man, those didn't even make it to the store! They were gone on layaway before we ever got them shelved."

Ok, plan B. "Fine, we will take that one and that one." I point to the two TV's that we have chosen that, incidentally, have huge sale signs on them and are currently playing the Garth Brooks Christmas Special.

"Ah, I might have one of the big ones, but the other ones we are out of."

I look at him like he has clearly lost his mind, "Ah, Gordon, they are not out of stock, I am staring at them right now."

"Those are display TV's."

"Ok, and it has served it's purpose, it has displayed, it has announced it's price, it has tugged at my heart strings, it has sold me. Now it is time for me to take it home. Wrap it up."

"I can't sell it, its a display item."
Gordon is starting to get on my last nerve.

"Then why the hell are you still displaying it? Why is there no sign on it saying 'sorry we are all out'? Why have we just stood here for 20 minutes considering a purchase that you have no intention of letting us go through with?"

"I just work here, we don't have any of those either, but they are still displayed."
He indicates a long shelf of stereos.

I yell to a guy who is perusing that same isle, "Don't bother, Buddy, they won't sell you any of them." He looks at me like I lost my mind and I am very close to losing my cool.

"So, you are telling me that in this entire massive store, there exists not one of these TV's?" He checks with his price gun thingy and it indicates that there are 6 of the big ones and zero of the ones I want.

"So, you have six, wrap one up."

"That just means that there are six in stock for WallyWorld. But we have none here. Those six could be in layaway."

"But you don't know that, somewhere in WallyWorld's universe this TV sits on a shelf, but what shelf?"

"Unless they are in storage upstairs, I don't know."
He has clearly missed that I have picked up on the fact that there are storage spaces that could be searched. Kimmy has not, she has started to move away from me.

"Ok, we'll wait here."

Gordon gives me a blank stare. He looks around the store that is filling up with people and has only two employees. The line for the cash register is starting to snake around the back of the store. But do I look like I care? NO! I do not give a shit.

"You said there might be one upstairs, off you go, we will wait here."

"It could take a while, I have to go to the other side of the mall and up to the storage and ..."
He trails off, thinking I will tell him not bother himself with it. Clearly he does not know me, I have been tricked into coming into this store and I am not leaving without that TV if it exists at all in this Wallyworld universe.

I slow it down for Gordon. "I said we will wait."

So off Gordon goes, he is not happy with his journey either, you can tell by the way he is mumbling. I amuse myself by telling anyone who picks up a piece of merchandise in this department not to fall in love with anything, they don't actually have any of this merchandise for sale. Its just for show.

Half an hour later, Gordon returns. WITH BOTH TV's!

"See, Gordon. This is why you get the big bucks." He does not see the humor in it as he tries to negotiate two huge TV boxes through a crowded store.

Kimmy is no longer embarrassed to be seen with me, she now looks around as if to say, 'Don't you wish your best friend was a bitch like mine? You would have your f'ing TV's right now!' Other shoppers are getting that look in their eye, they are planning on sending Gordon back into the darkness to search for the rare and illusive stereo's.

Kimmy gets on the horn with the delivery guy, he is on his way and Gordon is ringing up the TV's. I get an evil grin on my face, "You know what, Gordon? I changed my mind, I don't think I want a TV." He looks at me, face red, the veins in his neck are about to burst.

I can't take it, I burst out laughing, "I am just fuckin' with ya Gordon. You should see your face!" He is not amused but I don't care, the important thing is that I am. And now that people are informed, I can see a lot of trips into the attic in Gordon's future.

And another thing...

To be fair to WallyWorld, they are not the only place that does this Bait and Switch.
I have been in Superstore a lot this season and I have priced the GameCubes (that is what the boy wants) and I was planning on purchasing it from the SuperStore, they had a good price and a stack of (what I thought were) GameCubes six feet high.

I went in the other day to pick one up. "Ya, give me a black one." He looks behind the counter, there are two.

"One silver and one purple, is all I got."

"Ok, what about over there."
I point to the giant pyramid of GameCube boxes.

"Those are empty."

"What happened to the ones inside?"

"There was never any inside, that is a display."

"Are you kidding me? So you lure people in here thinking they can purchase one of these hundred GameCubes, then you tell them that you have none. So what? You can get them to buy one of the more expensive game consoles?"

He gives me a blank stare. I know this kid was not in on the evil plot and I also see that he has just realized there is one. He is white faced. "I do not want to be you after you sell that last one." Clearly he does not either.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Behind every great man.

Is the woman who will eventually get HALF!

Our fearless leader of the free world and his wife.

Oh...and Bono.

Channeling Martha Stewart.

Ok, well maybe not Martha as much as one of her producers. After all, I did do all the work myself.

This is the recipe for the fudge that I took to work last night. I am notorious for bad fudge, but I swear to you (and Anna can attest) that this actually turned out.

For the first time in 20 years, I made edible fudge.

Brown Sugar Fudge

In a bowl mix:

     2 c brown sugar
     2/3 c evaporated milk
     2/3 c butter

Microwave 9 min, stirring every three minutes

     Add 2 c icing sugar, mix until blended
     Add 1 c chopped pecans (optional)

Try it, you will not be sorry.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Houston, we have tree!

And in case you are wondering, this is a Christmas Tree!

Let the festivities begin.

And another thing...

I have to tell you how impressed you should be that I even have a tree today.



I decide that Tuesday, I will go out and get a tree. Get to the lot, only to discover that I cannot get the trunk of my car open. No matter what I do, it will not budge. So, I do what any self-respecting female with four brothers does. I call one. One with a truck.

He can't do it this day. So I tell him I will try again to get the trunk open and if I couldn't I would call him the next day. So, of course, I can't get the trunk open. Then of course it starts to snow. A lot of snow. Blowing and cold, ended up staying in on Wednesday, the brother was going nowhere.

My annual wing night with my friend, Tracey, is Thursday. We usually pig out on hot wings and watch cheesy Christmas movies. You can't get the full effect of a cheesy Christmas movie unless you are watching it a room decorated for Christmas, and that means tree.

That's it, I am woman, hear me roar. Out I go to conquer the car trunk. First I pull down the back seat and climb in from the inside. The boy is pulling the trunk release, while I decide what the hell is wrong with it. It is quite a site, me with my fat ass out the back seat. I frig with it for a while and the boy is shouting useless suggestions. Finally I snap, I pull the inside mechanism right off the trunk lock, cable and all, drive a screw driver into the trunk release and pop that sucker open.

I climb out of the trunk with a satisfied look for the boy.

"Great, now how you gonna close it again?"

"Don't bother me with minor details, Boy. I am going for a tree."

And off I go. When I get to the lot and pick out the tree. I realize that I can get one no higher than seven feet. I am not impressed, I usually get one that the Griswolds would be proud of, but my ceilings will not permit this year. The tree lot man is carrying it to the car and as he puts it into the trunk, SIDEWAYS, I realize I could have put the stupid thing in the back seat, saving my trunk mechanism.

But it was all for a good cause, and I admit I didn't think it through. When I got home I had to climb through the back seat again to tie the trunk shut. Hopefully I will not have to use the trunk again, till next year.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Oh, The Humanity!

How did he ever survive? Two hours in a Canadian airport. That poor, poor man!

I would just like to apologize on behalf of the Canadian people for the catastrophic events that happened to Mr. Fifty Cents at the hands of Canadian Airport workers.

I say we all chip in and pay for his therapy for the post traumatic stress syndrome that he will undoubtedly suffer as a result of this melodramatic theatrical emotionally scaring experience. After all the poor man was coming to this country out of the goodness of his heart, just to bring some joy to all our asshole well behaved teenagers. Do you think he was even paid for his performance? Oh I hope so!

The poor man was quoted as saying:
"I had a hard time coming to Canada," 50 Cent told the crowd, without actually alluding to the efforts of a Toronto Liberal MP to have him banned from performing north of the 49th parallel.

"They made me sit in the airport for two hours before I could come here, because somebody was shooting. They said it was my fault!"

OH SUCK IT UP, PRINCESS! You can console yourself aboard that boatload of money you make.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Breakfast of Champions.

If this is the only thing left in your pantry, I say go for it.

Felice Navidad!

UPDATE: In case you are wondering WTF? Those are Natchos.


The birthday of Jesus Christ has been celebrated on December 25th since AD 354. Who the fuck cares why they picked that date. That is just how long we have been doing it, so fuck off!

So what if 'the date has no origin in the bible'. That's how long we have been doing it, so fuck off! So what if we don't know the exact date, that's how long we've been doing it, so fuck off!

You can stick a fat guy in a red suit in there just to make ya'll less uncomfortable about the whole, 'birth of our savior' thing, but it's still Christmas, so fuck off!

If you want to hijack our holiday and exchange gifts and decorate your house, yard, whatever, give 'er. But if you think you are going to make me stop saying Merry Christmas, you can fuck off!

If you don't want to exchange gifts and decorate your house, yard, whatever, give 'er. But if you were to erect a tree in your living room around this time of year and string some lights on it and perhaps some baubles hanging from each branch, wrap some boxes in pretty paper and place them under it. Then I am sorry, my friend, it is a Christmas tree, so fuck off!

If you are listening to music that tells of a time long ago about a kid who was born in a barn, or music that talks about giving presents or rockin' around that tree that you have strung with lights, then you are listening to Christmas music. So fuck off!

If we (Nova Scotia) send you (Boston) a Christmas Tree, and you want to call it something else, fuck off, and send it back. We don't mind, we love Christmas. If you don't? Then pick another date on the calendar and call it Fuck Off day for all I care, but this, my friend is Christmas. Deal with it!

And for all the rest of you? Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah (Chanukah?) or whatever you call your holidays. I don't care and I wouldn't dream of asking you to stop.

To everyone else, who want to make me take the word Christmas out of Christmas...Did I mention Fuck Off?

Saturday, December 10, 2005


This is what I woke up to last night. I have to say this picture does not do it justice.

And these pictures from this afternoon are not as pretty.

Oh man, did I ever have a great time getting to work. First I had to Griswold'd my way out of the driveway. I made my way through the unplowed streets, fishtailing and laughing like a nut. After sliding past the Tim Hortons and the enterance to work, I decided a couple donuts in the parking lot were due.

I love snow!

Friday, December 9, 2005

I haven't had my coffee yet, don't make me kill you.

Up again at 5am this morning. Ever since I started this back-shift thing. I find I have been getting a lot of sleep. I mean, I work 13 hours for three days in a row with 4 days off. You would think I would be accomplishing a lot around the house. But I am not.

Take yesterday for instance, I was up at 5am, I was in bed by 5: 30pm. I had every intention of getting up for Survivor, but when the time came, I just turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. And when you are up at 5 you really can't start vacuuming or run the washer, so you are limited to what get's done.

You think this is the reason I am not in the Christmas spirit yet? Aside from the fact there is no snow, I can't seem to get myself to start the decorating process. I have exactly one gift purchased, no baking done, no decorations. What could it be? Is it the snow? Is it the sleeping too much or could it be something more sinister?

Like the fact that my Christmas deocorations must be rescued from this

bottomless pit. I think I might be on to something here.

And another thing...

The weatherman promises me 10 centimeters of snow tonight. Things are looking up.

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 8, 2005

Curious'er and curious'er.

Interesting news about the girl who died last weekend. As I said, I never had a chance to talk to her since she came back from Ireland. Well it seems she told a lot of people all about it.

Turns out she planned the trip, not as something she always wanted to do, like she told me. But to meet a guy she met on the internet.

Get this. She left the husband boyfriend father of her youngest children at home with the kids, flew across the ocean and her full intent was to cheat on him. Why she told people this is beyond me. And when you hear the rest of the story, you will comprehend just how mind blowing it is that she TOLD people all about it.

Apparently, after flying across the ocean to cheat on her husband boyfriend father of her youngest children, the internet guy stood her up. She spent the entire time living in a hospice trying to track him down. I haven't found anyone yet who has said she actually saw any sites when she was there.

Who the hell flies across the ocean and doesn't even take a look around? After internet asshole failed to show at the airport I would have said 'fuck it' and enjoyed my vacation. After all, she was there. Why the hell not? And I would be damned if I told anyone I was stood up by some guy I met on the internet. I would conveniently leave that humiliating part out.

It was sort of nice thinking that even though she died, at least she got to do somthing she always wanted. I wish now that I had not been told the difference.

Maybe its just me, but I don't get this whole 'meet someone on the internet' and fly half way around the world to meet them. I know it has worked out for some, but I just can't get my mind around it.

Hell I wouldn't go on a blind date across town. But that's just me.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

What? Me complain?

We were discussing life at work the other night. How our lives turned out, and how we felt about the way it didn't as opposed to the way we thought it would in highschool. And I said, "If someone were living my life and complaining about it, I would be concerned. Does that make sense?"

Well does it? Not that my life is what anyone would consider perfect, except me. I mean I complain about things in my life, but that is more about me enjoying a good rant. If I really hated something that was going on in my life, I would get rid of it. The only thing I would like to change is my finances. But short of winning the lottery its not something I can change or waste my time worrying about.

I really think that if you are unhappy with your life you should just change it. It is that simple. There is really nothing on this planet that you can not change if you want to. Don't try and name one, I will have a simple answer for you if you do.

An outsider could look at my life and think it sucks. I have never really traveled, I never went to college, I am a single mother. I don't go to bars or party. Sounds kind of boring, but I like boring.

My perfect day would be spent alone, on the computer or watching tv. Laying on the couch in my bunny slippers. It would be a perfect day if the phone never rang. I am a simple person, and this life is not for everyone. But it is a life I chose, if I didn't like it, I would change it. That is what I meant, I am in the life I want to be in. Clear as mud, eh?

And another thing...

Here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™, people are always complaining about what a crappy job this is. I think it is a hoot. I mean the job itself is interesting and amusing. It's the politics within management that get to you, but I have learned to ignore most of it.

The social aspect of it is bizaar. You would never get to converse with this kind of widely diverse group if you just hit the bars. You look around at work and think that you would have never crossed paths with a lot of these people through just social gatherings.

You have 20 something Dungeons and Dragons types sitting next to 40 something bar hoppers. You got the goths sitting next to the geeks, and both are loving it because in this job the geeks are a font of information and the goths can handle a screamer like no other.

You have grandmothers sitting next to party girls. The party girls regaling you with stories of their exploits and the grandmothers shocking the party girls with stories of their biker days.

The only ones that no one wants to be around is the ones who take the job seriously, but even they are good for a laugh. After all we are not curing cancer here even if they make it seem like a matter of life and death. Those are the ones you watch closely, they are the ones who snap.

There really is never a dull moment. Even when it is so slow that someone falls asleep. The hidden frat boy in us all comes out and you end up piling candy wrappers all over the guy till his phone rings and he jumps up and sends half a bag of garbage flying all over the place.

The calls will make you pull your hair out or piss your pants laughing. But you are never at a loss for conversational material.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

When your number is up...

We had a death at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™™. Very sad, the girl was only 26 years old. She had three kids, who were in the car with her when it hit black ice, left the road and hit a pole. The kids walked away without injury, including 2 of her sister's children, but she was killed instantly.

When you hear these things the first thing you think, of course, is how sad for the kids. But then you have to wonder? What made this day and time her day and time?

I won't pretend we were friends, we weren't. I think it is insincere and disrespectful when a person is suddenly inundated with 'oh what a wonderful person she was' after they are dead. I am sure even Mother Theresa had people in her life that thought she was a jerk. Frankly I didn't even know this girl outside of work, but we spoke.

I remember a couple months ago, she was planning a trip to Ireland and Germany. The plans came right out of the blue, I think it was her uncle who offhandedly offered to pay for a trip for her. She didn't even know if she could get the vacation time, since she had just gotten rehired at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™™, but it was one of those things, she said, that she just had to go for. She wasn't even going to tell her boyfriend till after she had tickets in hand, for fear he might try and talk her out of it. She didn't worry about what to do with the kids, they had fathers who could and frankly should step up. This was something she felt she may never get another chance to do. You think someone was trying to tell her something?

When she said Ireland, specifically Belfast, I looked at her funny. "Why would you want to go to Belfast? Not exactly a stable place to begin with." She said it was just something she always wanted to do and added 'before I die' in that sort of flippant way a person does. But I don't think she was back a week before this accident happened.

I didn't get a chance to hear about her trip, but others have said she had a blast. If I remember correctly she would spend some time in Ireland, take a small plane or possibly a train to Germany and back to Ireland then home. In all that time, including her stint in Belfast, I assume without incident, she really was doing something 'before she died'.

Makes you think. What do we hope to accomplish in this life before we die? And how many of us will never have time to do anything? Just last week there was a 14 year old kid that the boy knew killed in a car accident. What did he get to do before he died?

In these cases I really do hope there is reincarnation.

For the sake of children and young mothers.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Just what are little boys made of?

Just when I thought I was bored with the internet, Radmilla to the rescue. Her November 26th blog entry about Maverick Mothers.

Referencing an article about this book: Drexler, Peggy F. with Linden Gross. Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men.

Ya, this sounds more like someone figured out a way to get money from the government for another bogus research project.

Even if these boys are raised by just their mother lesbian or not, it does not mean they have no male influence and she does qualify her research by saying,

"Maverick mothers, ... seek out male role models, collect friends to form an extended family around their sons, and often go outside their comfort zone to offer a variety of activities and enriching experiences."

In a perfect world this would mean that these boys would be influenced by only the most perfect specimens of men. But in reality it is more likely that the 'Maverick Mothers' have little or no control over which male is influencing their sons or how.

Consider this. Forget for a moment that the boy even has a father. I got him a Big Brother. He was a perfect specimen, a college student (but not a geek), responsible, loved sports and his mother, no criminal record, fiance (a perky cheerleader type) who he eventually married. They had a baby, he became a teacher and a perfect hands-on father. He is a perfect role model.

Now, did that keep my son from becoming an occasional asshole? No. He says and does things that his big brother wouldn't in a million years. I often think that giving him this man in his life may have been a double edged sword. On one side you have the perfect nuclear family, something to aspire to? On the other it may have caused some resentment. Like, why can't my father be like this or why isn't my mother like her.

Even if you could control which male influence you subject your son to, you can't control how that figure influences your son. Am I making any sense? It is 6:30 in the AM.

I think that the only way for this chick, Drexler, to prove her theory is to raise these boys on an island with just women. No tv, video, or even interaction with the other boys. Male influence is male influence. They are going to get it whether she likes it or not. She can only control the where of the equation.

See the only thing she is proving is that a boy without a father in the home is a boy without a father in the home.

All you can do is love them and hope for the best. Boys are not just lab experiments, they have brains that are influenced by everything around them.

Save me from myself.

Ok, it has happened. I am bored with the internet. I have finally reached the last page of the internet. I am finally on a shift at work where I can surf the net all night if I want and I can't find one place on this world wide web to hold my attention.

I go through my Daily Read blog list and that takes about 10 minutes. I have already read all the archives of those blogs, now I am stuck.

It's 6am and I am thinking about hauling out a box of record albums and get them entered into my music database.

I am a freakin wild woman.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

... and your little dog too!

Holy Crap! Felt like Dorothy last night. We had a pretty intense storm. Rain and 120km/h winds. My whole house was shaking and swaying all night long. The power was going off and on, interfering with my web activity. Bastards!

If you live in an older home you know what I mean. Not a very peaceful sleep, I tell ya. Everything creeks and shudders and sways. Every once in a while all three and you wonder if the place is going to come apart. Once the power went off however I lost interest and went to bed. The boy, however, was not convinced that the house would not come down so he didn't get much sleep at all.

At any rate that is the excuse he is using this morning for not going to school.

And another thing...

Something interesting in our local news this morning. A local couple were in the
one billionth car to cross the MacKay/MacDonald bridge. A toll bridge by the way.

That got me thinking. Shouldn't it be free by now? Consider that it costs 75 cents today to cross these bridges. Even if it started out as a quarter. A billion quarters is like a 25 million dollars isn't it?

I have no idea about math, and I can't use the calculator since I don't know how many zeros there are in a billion. But it is still a crapload of money at any rate. Much more than these two bridges could have cost.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

High tea with the Politically Incorrect Sisters.

Went to the war memorial on the 11th with my mother. If you remember, the woman is 77 and off her gourd on a good day. As luck would have it, this day is also the wedding anniversary of her sister. This means that after the service, we all meet at a local restaurant for lunch to celebrate.

Picture it. My off-her-gourd mother and her deaf sister in a crowded restaurant with 20 other relatives who have to pay attention to them whether they like it or not.

Every time I heard, "Trin! Give me your good ear." I cringed.

Let me see if I can set the scene:

First, our waiter. If he wasn't gay, he played one on TV. (If you are an old girl like me you get the joke referring to the old commercials, "I am not a doctor but I play one on TV.") Actually, I know him and he is gay. Anyway, I digress.

Ok, where was I? Oh right, the scene. I am sitting in a booth with the Sisters directly across from me. You might also remember that cousin Sonny the Geek (Like Zorba the Greek) is marrying a Chinese girl. She and Sonny are sitting two tables down and to my left. One more table down sits his sister, with her baby boy (freakin adorable) who she had with (if I remember correctly) a Jamaican guy she met out west. And like me, out of wedlock (my mother loves to say). Add the gay waiter and hilarity ensues.

Now I also have to qualify this, for those of you who may think I am about to tell you that the sisters are raging racists or homophobes. They are not. They are just of a generation that used different language in their day to day lives. They absolutely adore Sonny's fiance (frankly everyone thinks he isn't good enough for her) and they brag that baby up like it is the second coming of Christ. And they are as old as shit and, as you all know, old people don't give a shit what they say or how they say it.

There is no way, however, to clean up the language and still tell a decent story, so here goes.

"So, Trin, where did Elle meet the Negro boy?" I give her the look that says 'will you fuck off somewhere?' "What? You can't call them (she uses the N word) anymore or colored." Now I know why we usually get a private room for these functions.

Note to self: Never go out in public with these two.

Trin is nodding, "True, true." She looks at me as if she is asking something as innocent as what the time is. "What is so bad about that word? It's just a word. I never understood why people get so upset over it."

I look at her like she just fed me a spoonful of shit, and it ain't going down well. "It's not just a word, it's a derogatory term and I don't want to hear it."

"It's sort of like....if I were to call you a bitch. You might be a bitch but you don't like to be called one do you?"
This goes completely over her head. And it didn't quite hit the mark anyway but I couldn't think of a worse word.

The empty gourd pipes in, "Half the time you don't know which word to use anyway, they keep changing it. How are we supposed to keep up?"

"How about we just change the subject?"
, I say, "That would be peachy." I am now drilling daggers through Sonny. Trying to telepathically get him to come and get his mother. These two together make me want to crawl under a rock. Luckily the gay waiter shows up with our coffee.

"You know the queers are getting married now, isn't that nice for them?" Trin misses this because the empty gourd is talking into her bad ear.

I have had it, "Will you shut up! For the love of God!" She doesn't understand what might have upset me this time. "Can we just eat in silence?"

"Trin, give me your good ear!"
Holy shit, what now? "You know, Sonny's girl doesn't look Chinese. Does she look Chinese to you?"

Trin considers this, "I don't know what it is, but your right, she doesn't look Chinese. But she says she is not Chinese anyway, she is Hong Kong." She is pleased with herself that she has remembered that she was told this.

"Uh, Hong Kong is China." I say.

A lightbulb goes off above the head of the empty gourd. "I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW!" Oh Christ! I will so leave her behind to walk home if she doesn't shut the fuck up.

She proceeds to put her fingers up to the outsides of her eyes, "She doesn't have this." and stretches them out! I kid you not!

"Your right!" Trin says, as if my mother just revealed the cure for cancer. And proceeds to mimic the actions of the empty gourd. "She doesn't!" Please God, don't let Sonny's fiance look this way while these two bittys are making faces. Pleased with themselves like they figured out the meaning of life.

Thankfully the food arrives and they stuff their pie holes. As soon as my mother finishes the last bite I hustle her out of there.

I know they were not being malicious, but for some reason I want the world to believe, (at least while I am with her) that my mother is not a complete social retard.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Revenge is sweet.

This guy has been scamming the scammers for years. Read all about his escapades in:

Ebola Monkey Man: Pissing Off Nigerian Scammers One At a Time!

It really is a hoot. He eventually gets them to send a picture of themselves holding up a sign with their code name written on it. Usually something obnoxious like Iama Wayne Kerr.

About time. Hilarious.

And another thing...

It's a rainy windy day today. The boy is at a friends since last night so I am bored. I have been surfing since 8am and thought I would fill you in on a few more interesting sites I have discovered, and a couple I have rediscovered.
- the pranks page. Check out Image Listing Imposter, very funny.

Rabbit Blog - I used to read this back in the early days of blogging, can't believe I ran across it again.

Greates Internet Moments - it was my starting off point, lots of off the wall things here. Including this.

Monkey Call - For 10 bucks (American, go figure) these people will call you and pretend to be a monkey. I kid you not. - daily updates on everything that,

Homestarrunner - fun with cartoons. Especially funny is the 404 Error messages.

And this is just disturbing. But you have to expect disturbing when you surf the net. It is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Well that should be enough to keep anyone busy, I know it did me. I am off now to watch all the pirated tv I downloaded. I know, I could have watched it last night when it was actually on, but where is the fun in that?


Wednesday, November 9, 2005

It's Snowing!

Not enough yet to make a snowman,(it's melting as fast as it hits the pavement) but it's snowing!

It won't be long before we'll all be there with snow
I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow

I long to clear a path and lift a spade of snow
Oh, to see a great big man entirely made of snow

I just dated myself with those lyrics, but I love snow. I am probably going to upset people by saying that. But I think that you can not possibly get into a Christmas spirit without it.

And even though I am broke beyond words, I will get into a Christmas spirit.

I am thinking.....spiked eggnog? Whatcha think?

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Merging on the information highway.

My sister is on the internet, although I am not entirely sure she realizes it yet.

My sister moved, again. This time she has bought a trailor in the middle of Butt-Fuck-Nowhere. Last week she called and asked if I would come over if the cable guy hadn't shown up before she had to go to work.

"I thought you already had cable?"

"Ya, this is for the high speed internet."
I didn't think she even knew what that was.

"Do you even have a computer?" I don't remember moving a computer the last 15 times she moved in the last month.

"Ya, the old one from the house." Holy shit.

The 'old one' from her old house that we coudln't even get dialup to work on properly. The old one running windows 95. The old one that we couldn't find USB ports to work with. This is what she thinks the cable guy is going to hook up high speed internet on.

Time to call cousin Sonny, the family geek. "What do you got that is internet ready?" Thankfully he had something kicking around.

"It's nothing fancy, but it will run high speed."

"No worries, she doesn't need anything fancy. As long as it won't make the cable guy laugh out loud."

So, we are ready for the internet. Cute, young eye candy cable guy shows up to hook up hook us up. In a few we are online. I do all the standard updates and install the instant messeging agent and away we go. Before I leave I add myself to her messenger.

That is the last I heard of her. I can see her online, but I assume that she has just never logged off since I was there. I try and messege her, but I am positive that she has no idea what that flashing orange thing is.

Turns out the only reason she got high speed internet is so she could get free cable. She will aparently wait a few weeks and cancel the cable and then splice it back through her cable internet. The internet she never uses.

I do not pretend to know how her mind works. I just pray every day that she doesn't become an grease spot while trying to cross the street on her own.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Kids today are vegetables.

Just take a look at what is popular today. It makes ya want to lock up your kids, and force feed them some classic rock, sans video. Video killed not just the radio star, it also slaughtered the idea that you had to have actual talent.

Point in fact. Take a look at this crayon.

File this under WTF? This is Buckethead. Apparently a famous band? Person? Group? Who the hell knows. And yes, that is a bucket on his head. Not exactly a Rhodes scholar. His mother must be so proud. She is probably the one who insisted on the disguise.

These guys are so embarrassed by their dubious career that they won't even show their own faces, and probably never will.

And Marilyn Manson? Please, is this guy/chick/thing on crack? I swear kids today are just lemmings. They eat this shit up, and they don't even expect people to be able to carry a tune or play a decent lick. All they need is some weirdo to put a drum beat behind some spastic screaming.

Unfortunately, I could go on and on. Kids today are just mindless vegetables that are willingly fed this shit intravenously. It makes me want to drive a sharp object into my eye socket.

What about you?

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Happy Birthday!

To Me!

How pitiful is that? Although I think the gummie bear makes it that much more special.

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Hey Mom! What's a rack?

During the Iraqi war, we (Bloggers) first heard of Salam Pax through a blog entitled Where is Raed? It was actually more like January of 2002 when I started reading it. Just after President Bush directed my attention to the fact that he might go over there and blow the shit out of something. About time!

Anyway, Salam Pax became very famous in the blog world. Many of us sat and patiently waited for him to post and worried when he didn't. He was blogging from Baghdad, giving us day to day commentary on the state of affairs. Most of what went on on that blog during 2002 has been removed. But now Salam Pax has written a book and released a video diary of his experiences during that time. It was quite interesting to hear about the war from the ground. From ordinary people that were living it day to day. We (Bloggers) did not have to rely on the media's take on things or official press conferences. We had blogs from Iraqi citizens as well as a few from military personnel stationed in and around Baghdad.

One in particular that I enjoyed was Lieutenant Smash. The weblog of a member of the military stationed in the Middle East with his first person perspective on the war. It was interesting when he returned home and revealed that he was actually incognito in Iraq and his true identity as the Indepundit, a well known blogger state side. Unfortunately I could not find any posts from his LT. SMASH days but it was very interesting hearing of his experience living in the desert during that time. Learning just how many baby whipes a grown man can go through in the absense of an actual baby. These days he is out of the military and posting as Citizen Smash - The Indepundit.

More recent ramblings from Salam Pax can be pieced together from a couple of other blogs he has such as the Fat Whiner and Shut Up You Fat Whiner.

There were many other blogs that I used to read daily such as A Small Victory, and the Command Post but most of them are either gone now or I just can't remember the names of them anymore.

Does anyone care about the war in Iraq anymore? Most of us can point it out on the map now but that's about all we know. Do we even know if the war had an end? Has it ended? Maybe that is the problem. It dragged on so long, we lost interest after the excitement of the bombing of Baghdad, and the capture of Saddam. I am not even interested in Saddam's trial. I couldn't care less. I know he won't get exactly what he deserves.

What do you think?

Friday, October 28, 2005


And I am pretty sure they hire retards to deliver packages. Their HR motto? "Dude, if you have ever checked your gas level with a Bic lighter? We want you!"

On October 5th I bought a skateboard for the boy on eBay. I guess it went wrong from the beginning. The 'seller' of this item was a real tool. I checked out his other feedback and it all said fast delivery, great communication. So about a few days after my payment went through I emailed the seller for the UPS tracking number.

No response.

I emailed again, nothing. Two days later, again nothing. I was starting to get worried. Here is what I finally got out of him.

FROM ME:October 18/05 I was reading your feedback, keep seeing 'great communication' I am
starting to worry that you are not even getting these emails.

Blink once if you can see this.

TOOL SELLER: (that is to say seller who is a tool, not a seller of tools, but I digress)October 18/05 get alot of email
only answer importnat ones

That made my blood boil. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He took the time to send a snotty reply but couldn't be bothered to copy and past the fucking tracking number.

FROM ME: October 22/05 I paid you promptly, I assume you already shipped the board. I don't see the problem with sending me a tracking number so I can find out where this item is in the world. I don't know what you constitute as important to you, but this is important to me.

FROM TOOL: not in office til monday
shipped the day of feedback

FROM ME: October 26/05 Day 20, no skateboard.

FROM TOOL: will call ups

What a fucking concept! I was thinking the same thing. SIXTEEN FUCKING DAYS AGO! You can see how he got all the 'great communication' feedback.

FROM TOOL: October 27/05

Delivered on: Oct 12, 2005
11:14 A.M.
Delivered to: NEW GLASGOW, CA
Service Type: STANDARD

Now he gets all 'I told you so' when in fact that was the whole problem. If he had just given me the tracking number that he clearly had on the 6th all would have been well with the world. As it stands now I have to tear UPS a new one.

So, since they (UPS) say they delivered a skateboard, I have to inform them that I did not receive the skateboard. I call and get a very nice girl, Allison, who informed me that, yes the driver delivered that package. I know that is what they think, but I tell her that I never received it. I know this because I never signed for it. I ask her what 'Signed by: RELEASED BY DRI' means.

"Oh, that means he left it at the door."

"Are you kidding me? What door?"

"Front door."

"Ah, Allison? Can you see the shipping instructions? What do they say, dear?"

"Name, date, oh!... upstairs rear entrance..."

"Exactly. He left it in front of the house, at noon, right next to a High School. What do you suppose happened to it?"

So now she is gathering information to file a claim. Someone will notify me. Of what? They delivered the package, it was stolen from in front of the house, of that I am certain. Hello? Free skateboard! Pick it up on your way to lunch! What else could have happened to it?

The boy is upset, but I will just have to get him another one. It's too late now for him to use it this year anyway.

All I can say is if the seller had just given me the tracking number when he had it, we could have avoided all this. Believe me, I will never buy from this guy again.


UPDATE: Just got a call from Sharon at UPS, she is sending out the driver to retrace his steps, if he doesn't find the package (which I am sure he will not) then she will contact the seller and reimburse him and then he can send me a replacement board.

I may have to revise the title of this post. Cuz right now? UPS? Sucking? Not so much.

But I am positive that the seller will pick up the slack. You know, for the lack of sucking and all.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Happy Birthday Mariea.

We won't say how old you are,

Just that you are older than me, have a good one.

White Sox Win!

Big Fuckin' Deal.

Holy shit, I am sitting here watching reaction footage to the Sox win of the world series.


They - are - jumping - up - and - down. They - are - crying - and - hugging - each - other.

WTF? Its a baseball game. They didn't find a cure for cancer. No ones life was saved, they didn't find a baby after 6 days lost in the woods.

I don't understand sports fanatics. Say it with me. It - is - a - base - ball - game.

If you haven't seen any coverage, I am not sure you can grasp the utter rediculousness of it all.
"This is unreal, this is incredible, we're blessed,'' said Bryant, as parishioners around him, who had gathered to watch the game, hugged and smiled.
Are you kidding me? Blessed?

One man who joined the throng screamed into a cell phone with tears in his eyes: "We did it! We did it! We did it!''
Ok, nuttbar? You did nothing.

"This is wonderful, it's a dream come true,'' 31-year-old Robert Cruz said as he stood with a soggy black White Sox flag slung over his shoulder. "2005 is the best year of my life!''
Ok, that is just sad. This is how you define your happiness? What happens when you cure cancer? Your gonna have to retract that statement.

Ya, I don't think we have to worry about this guy curing anything but a ham.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Random spatterings of a 40 year old brain.

On November 3rd, I turn 40.

FORTY. 4-0. Four times 10. These are random thoughts from my last week of being 39.

I am not all that sure how I feel about turning 40. On the one hand I am essentially in mid-life, my youth is over. On the other there was a lot of shit that you were expected to do when you were young that your not obligated to do now. Like go out to bars, drink, smoke dope. All of which bore the hell out of me.

When you find yourself surrounded by twenty something people day in and day out, thinking back can really be depressing in some instances but some of it can make you think 'thank God I am done with that'.

Sex for instance. Back when I was young it was still safe to have it. You couldn't talk about it, but you sure could have it. And the worst that could happen is that you got knocked up. Now-a-days you can die from it. In highschool if people knew you were having sex you were a slut, now they talk openly about it and if your not having it there is something wrong with you. I prefer the old days in that regard.

Other things you lament the dying of. Like playing outside. We actually chomped at the bit to be let outside, it was torture if we had to stay in. Rain, snow, sleet hail it didn't matter. Not much kept us in, maybe a blizzard, but we sat and watched it until it calmed down enough for us to go out.

The excitement of something new. Kids today take technology for granted. The day the cable finally made it out our way. I remember watching them string the lines and praying they would make it to our house before they stopped for the day. Up until then we had two channels. Two Canadian channels. If you don't have any inkling of how bad that is, check out the CBC schedule. Even today Canadian tv is pretty crappy with very few exceptions.

The invention of the VCR. Its amazing when you think that I am only 40 but I have lived through the entire rise and fall of a technology, namely the VCR. I remember the first BETA machine that we got, it had a remote control with a 6 foot cord. Mind you it didn't last long, the dog took a liking to it. But at the time it was state of the art.

Its not really that cool that I remember these things, only that I remember NOT having these things. Things that seem commonplace now, but some of you don't remember when they weren't so.


Post-it notes - we had to use tape, the horror.
VCR's - if you missed it the first time you were SOL.
DVD's - your movie collection took up space...lots of space.
Cell Phones - we had pay phones on every corner. Good luck finding one that even works now.
Camcorders - we had those ones that you had to turn with a crank, it took a steady hand and there was no audio
Personal Computers - the comming of these things was very exciting and I lived for the next best thing. Now it's just par for the course.
Floppy disks - before this it was 5 1/4
CD's - I used to have shelves and shelves of floppy disks. These turned out to be mostly a space saver.
Walk/Disk-man's - you wanted to listen to music, you had to stay home to do it.
Liposuction - I am still waiting on the pill though.
Madonna - I know, don't you wish you were me?
Starwars - all we had was StarTrek and we were happy to think that space was just a place for Kirk to get layed.
Microsoft - the reason Nerds are hot.
AIDS - the worst std there was were herpes or crabs.
The Internet - penpals were the best we could do.Then we got something called BBS (Bulletin Board System) it was like internet lite. Some of them could host up to 12 people at one time. WOW!
School shootings - but then again, back then your father could give you the back of his hand if you acted like an asshole. Ah, the good old days.
Email - ya, you had to write it down and stick a stamp on it.
Organ Transplants - I was in highschool when someone got an artificial heart. Now they can just clone you for spare parts.
Single Fathers - you got a girl knocked up, you married her. Then again, I never thought that was a good idea anyway.
Rap - again, bet you wish you were me and could go to 'that' happy place.
Law and Order - hard to believe, I know, but there was a time when this was not on the air in any form.
Music Videos - artist had to actually have talent, not just a six pack and a cute belly button ring.
The Price is Right - yes there was a time it did not exist. However, Bob has always been on the planet since the beginning of time. It was just the name of the show that was different. Remember Truth or Consequences? I actually preferred Let's Make A Deal, but that is because it was much more cut-throat.

Any of you old timers out there want to share your recollections?

Ignore that Flaming Red G.

I just totally screwed my internet connection without realizing it. Then I left for work. When I got home I had no internet connection and had no idea why.

The reason for the Flaming Red G?

I figured out what I did, and fixed it.

I am not an officially trained geek so the G is not huge, but G it is.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I fuckin' rock sometimes.

I painted it. It was not as hard as I thought it would be.

Sometimes I scare myself. It isn't really this shiny. It is still wet. In case anyone wants to know. I used Tremclad rust paint. I did not prime or sand it. All I did was rip off the mac-tac and paint it with a roller. Couldn't use a spray because I couldn't really move it.

And I think it looks a lot better without the fake mable mac-tac.

Oh, and ignore the thumb print on the handle. I actually painted the door shut and had to force it open. I will fix that later.

Hey, I never said I was Martha Stewart.

Ok, I might have said that once. But cut me some slack.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Draft from the past.

Thought I would share with you the comments I received on a post I made to another site. This has been sitting in draft for a while waiting for a day I couldn't think of anything to blog about. This particular post was one I put here as well on June 26th. Incidentally me in this instance is not me but a pompous windbag with a superiority complex.

Comments for: Best way to get your call times up? Argue with an asshole.

I realize customers are a big PITA, but you sound like a jerk. It's not your job to be such a smartass with people - you are paid to assist them with their problem, not give them an attitude, regardless of whether they started it. If I was your employer, you'd have been fired.
Posted by me at June 29, 2004 12:22 AM

Yeah, baby! You've got some ATTITUDE. ;)
Um...can you create a case for me, please?

Posted by m. at June 29, 2004 10:52 AM

Excuse me? But I am not paid enough to be told I am an asshole by a person who has no idea who I am. Don't fucking steal my VCR and then get attitude with me when I won't show you how to work the remote.

I don't see why I should have to show common courtesy to people with none.

How's that hearts and flowers shit working for you? I would love to see you after a ten hour shift of these idiots.

Posted by Evel at June 30, 2004 03:19 AM

I would have paid $$$ to hear that call!
But you know even if he does go buy a he's still going to call you for support. Because you are computers:)

Posted July 1, 2004 01:56 AM

And by the way....I am NOT a jerk. I am a bitch, therein lies the difference.Posted by Evel at July 1, 2004 07:01 AM

I had a customer one time who did not want to tell me his name, and we had to have it to create a ticket. In frustration he said that his name was Dick. I didn't say his name at all during the call until the end and I said "thanks for calling DICK!"
Posted by Me at July 1, 2004 10:55 PM

Fine, you're being a bitch. Regardless of how much you get paid, you're not being paid to be a bitch to the customers. And honey, I HAVE worked customer service, and I KNOW it sucks, but that is your job to take their shit. It's unfortunate, and I am not saying that person isn't an asshole, but what I AM saying is that you better watch your attitude before you're canned.
Posted by me at July 2, 2004 02:30 AM

Someone takes life waaaay too seriously. How sad.
Posted by Evel at July 2, 2004 04:56 AM

Personally I'm tickled that you're Canadian and that you remember the torching of the white house!

As far as 'me' is concerned, I personally assume that anyone posting here may actually not be posting 'real life' verbatim, but rather what they wish they either had or could have said. Why would someone read this site and assume that everyone says exactly what happens in reality? (Even if you are, Cube 420, I wouldn't assume you are)

This is a venting site. These days, the most stressful jobs around are those which require being cheerful to people (because they're customers) no matter what. Flight attendants are getting chronic fatigue syndrome from having to smile all day long - I can't recall the exact term for 'smilitis', but it's increasingly being recognized as a major organizational behavior problem in the service industry.

So why pick on people here? This is effectively a health benefit. Why not bugger off and annoy someone who's actually done something to you rather than going trolling on sites that everyone else is enjoying?

If you don't like it, don't come back... it's a simple solution to a simple problem

Posted by Maggie at July 2, 2004 07:32 AM

I wouldn't say I'm trolling because I read all the entries on a daily basis and rarely comment, and when I have, it's not been in disagreement with what was said. Obviously, this girl's posts have touched a nerve of mine, and the reason why is because I have worked in the customer service industry and I have overheard people being rude and nasty like this girl claims she is and I think it's wrong. I understand this is a place to vent, but then tell it like it is, don't pretend to be so nasty. And I wouldn't be surprised if she really is that nasty either. That's my issue. Just wanted to explain. Now I will stop posting and everyone can feel good about their attitudes again. :)
Posted by me at July 2, 2004 02:55 PM

Oh and one more thing - I take life too seriously? I'm not posting long entries all the time about how nasty I am, or wish I was, to customers. Furthermore, if you're posting in a public forum, don't expect everyone to agree with you 100% of the time. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks you have an attitude problem, I'm just the only one who said it.
Posted by me at July 2, 2004 03:00 PM

HAHAHA! Comment all you like. I personally don't have a problem with my attitude.

And for the record that is exactly what I said. Not apologizing for it. I don't care what service you are providing to a 'customer' (which incidentally is not the case here since this guy was stealing the software) it does not give them the right to treat you like a second class citizen. That guy was nasty from hello. And he got it back, in spades.

You have to be a real asshole to me to illicit that kind of response, so when you are, you get it back, its that simple. I am not arbitrarily snotty to people. That guy deserved it.

Posted by Evel at July 3, 2004 03:46 AM

Never did find our who 'me' was, he was so sure of his own self-righteousness that he remained anonymous. Most idiots do.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I'm sorry, but it's over.

"It's not you, it's me."

"Ok, I lied, it's you."

Recently I discovered that my fridge had something against milk products. I thought we could work it out, possibly seek therapy but it just refused to keep them cold.

It was in denial that it even had a problem. It thought I should be satisfied with the perfect freezer performance it was giving me. That I was being unreasonable for wanting it all. We may have been able to get past that, but then it started exhibiting some passive aggressive behavior by pissing all over the floor.

That, I'm afraid, was the last straw. It is all so sad when a relationship ends. It's the kids that suffer.

So, the fridge and I had to part ways. It just wasn't working out. I called the landlord and he says, "No problem, I will bring you a new one."

He, of course, meant new in the sense that I had never laid eyes on it before. Not that it was brand new. This is what he brings me.

And yes, that is mac-tac. (Sticky paper, or whatever you call it in your neck of the woods.) That's fake marble mac-tac. Only the best for this chick. Posh! The mac-tac is, of course, to cover most of the rust.

I did say, 'most of the rust'. He looks at me and says, "Well you can change the mac-tac." Gee, thanks.

Oh well, it does keep things cold and the boy will just have to adjust to having a new fridge in the family. The old fridge is in the barn and has visitation rights. It was the least I could do.

I plan to paint the 'new' one. I might even get the sister to paint a big sunflower on it. Could be cool.

Monday, October 17, 2005

How to embarass a 14 year old in a grocery store.

Hold up a large tube of bolonga and say,loudly, "Hey Boy! How about a big fat balogny?" Then burst into fits of laughter. (You have to say Bah Lone EE and drag it out for effect.)

The boy is not amused, "Jeez Mom, your embarassing me." Looking around to see if anyone notices that he is with me.

"What? There is nothing funnier than a big ole hunk of balogny." Grab another equally large rolled meat product. "Unless it is a big hunk of salami." I am laughing so hard I snort.

The boy walks away from me like he has no idea who that crazy lady is.

Sometimes, I just crack myself up.

Dangers of sneezing.

Sneezing is the single most dangerous thing you can do. Avoid at all cost. I sneezed last night and fortunately I live to regret it.

Oh, I was throwing up at that moment. Probably should have mentioned that.

One other pearl of wisdom before I die:

When rushing to the bathroom to talk to Ralph, whatever else you forget to do in that moment, do not, under any circumstances, forget to turn on the light and fan.

These two items, while they will in no way affect the outcome of your conversation with Ralph, will prevent you from falling asleep on the porcelain phone and wake up unable to straighten into a complete standing position. The worst possible thing you could do, at that moment as well, is to sneeze.

Just a tip, carry on with your lives. Nothing to see here.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Can I get an Amen?

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ my name is blah blah blah..."

CUSTOMER: "I have this software on my computer."

ME: "Ok." I will play your silly game.

CUSTOMER: "I am trying to activate it and it won't work."

Long story short. Volume license software. OEM key.

ME: "Sorry, you have to use a volume license key for that software."

CUSTOMER: "But I want to use my OEM key for that."

ME: "I want my car to be a Fararri, but we can't always get what we want."

CUSTOMER: "That is retarded, I want to use my OEM key." I am thinking he doesn't have volume licensing. I am also thinking his mother and father were blood relations.

ME: "You can, if you install your OEM software, but if you are going to use your volume license software you will have to use your volume license key."

CUSTOMER: "I don't get it." Clearly.

ME: "I will put it this way. You are trying to start your car.....with your cat."

Thursday, October 13, 2005

How did you get this number?

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ my name is blah blah blah..."

Customer calls in, she has purchased Product A. It included a tutorial, which you need Product B to view. You don't have to purchase Product B, there is a free viewer download you can use instead. She never gives me the chance to tell her this.
CUSTOMER: "I purchased Product A, it says it is designed for Product B but it is not on the disk."
ME: "Product A?"
CUSTOMER: "No Product B, it is telling me it is not on the computer, but the box says it is designed for Product B so Product B IS on the disk."
ME: "No, it says it is designed for Product B and you don't have it."
CUSTOMER: "But it says it is included."
ME: "No it says it is designed for Product B."
CUSTOMER: "Ya, that means it is supposed to be included." In what universe?
ME: "Consider this, Product B costs $400. You paid $60 for Product A, did you really think Product B was included?"


CUSTOMER: This is a rip off! CLICK

And the conspiracy theory guy. He is always fun.

CUSTOMER: "I want to report a bug, and if you don't fix it I will file a complaint with the De.par.tme.nt of"
ME: "Ok, shoot."
CUSTOMER: "Your OS is preventing me from installing a different OS on my system."
ME: "How's that?" Can't wait to hear this one.
CUSTOMER: "It is intentionally deleting track 00 on every one of my cd's. So I cannot make a boot disk."
ME: "Let's get some additional information."

He is running an OS that is 6 years old. Let's call it 'Doors You'.

ME: "And what OS are you trying to install. Li.nix?"
ME: "Is that"
ME: "Really, I wasn't aware they even had an OS on the market." Neither did you, you say? Not suprising, considering the last version came out in '96.
CUSTOMER: "Yes they do, and the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ is activly sabotaging my attempts to install it on my pc." Like we give a shit.

I won't draw this out, you can see where it was going. This guy was going to take this all the way to the supreme court. I gave him his support options for the 5 year old software that he did have on his system. Considering it does not have its own CD burning capabilities, it is most likely the third party software he is using that is causing his cd's to be ruined. Or it could possibly be the fact that he is a moron and did not download (yes I said download) the OS2 software properly. It was going to cost him, and I am not sure how we could help with the other OS, but we would give it a try. He was fun.

CUSTOMER: "I am not paying for this. You will give me free support or I will file a complaint with the DOJ."
ME: "Ok then, is there anything else I can help you with? No, then thanks for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™, you have a nice day."

Next crayon.

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Feedback, Schmeedback.

Got the feedback for my TM interview. You know, for the job I didn't get? Incidentally, the feedback was not delivered by either of the 'women' that interviewed me. They pawned the job off on my TM. She told me I could have a meeting with one of the two if 'I insisted'. They're yella!

It appears that I am a, lets see, what did she call it? Oh ya, a ring-leader and a bad influence. I apparently influence those around me to bend to my will. Wouldn't that be a good thing? I mean, in a leadership position?

One of the two also did not appreciate some of the emails I sent to her voicing my concerns over some of the scheduled company events that repeatedly overlook half the company population. Events that are always scheduled for weekends, when half the center cannot attend because they work on the weekends. Apparently they do not appreciate the fact that I point out their thoughtlessness. I even got blamed for other people's emails along the same line.

Here's the thing. I suspect that they (meaning upper management) fear that I may 'influence' my team and others against them. But wouldn't that inspire 'them' more to make me one of 'them'? But I guess they can't risk it.

Anyway that is their story and they are sticking to it. That is the excuse they are peddling this time. If I was everyone else in this scenario I would be very insulted. To imply that these people have no mind of their own and I can make them do pretty much what I want? (not really seeing the downside here)

Ok, I suppose I can. However, I would never use my powers for evil.

Ok, I would. But I wouldn't do it to intentionally hurt anyone.

I need to stop now, I am not even convincing myself.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

This looks interesting.

Found at Hohmann by way of Radmilla.

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

Since mine are not numbered, it took a bit of counting to find.

" Am I dying? "

I don't know what this says about me, or even if I care.

But whatever, tag, your it.

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

The boy is wired wrong. Part Two.

I go to bed at 4pm (I work at 1am)

8:00pm - Boy crashes into the room. "Dad just came with the child support, can I get a pizza?" ME: "Fill your boots."

8:05pm - Boy crashes into the room. "Cover your eyes, I am turning on the light." He is looking for the phone book. In my room. The one with no phone.

8:10pm - Boy crashes into the room. "What do I ask for?" I don't know...ask for what you want?

8:15pm - Boy crashes into the room. "I don't know if they deliver." ME: "IT'S A FUCKING PIZZA PLACE, THEY ALL DELIVER!"

8:20pm - Now that I am awake, I have to pee. I walk out into the living room, "How long before the pizza gets here?" THE BOY: "I never ordered it, I don't know what to say." ME: "Here's a shot in the dark, how about 'bring me a pizza'?"

I end up ordering the pizza, and never getting back to sleep.

13 hour shifts are fun on 4 hours sleep. I highly recommend it.

Monday, October 3, 2005

The boy is wired wrong.

I am getting ready for work Friday night. The usual, shit, shower, shave and shove off. I reach for the toothbrush (in a glass beside the sink) I add the paste, begin to brush and ....holy shit, what is that taste? I take it out of my mouth and I notice it is black. WTF?

I find the boy in the living room. "What is up with this?" I stick it in his face.

He looks at me like I should know this, "I cleaned my trucks today." Matter of factly, like it was a regular day in the life of the boy. BTW, in case you are unaware, trucks are the part of the skateboard that attach the wheels to the board. Like an axel.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Why? Is that your toothbrush?"

"No, why would I put my toothbrush right next to the sink, in a glass? That would be retarded."
Is he kidding me?


Sorry, he says. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had used it and tossed it, but he felt the need to put it back in the glass next to the sink. You know, so I could continue to use it. He says he didn't know it was my toothbrush. Who's toothbrush could it have been? I am not running a flop house. If it wasn't his, logic would dictate that it had to be mine.

I get the pissing on the toilet seat, men are genetically wired for that. But some of the stuff this boy does, totally baffles me.

Using a roll of toilet paper a day to wipe his shitty arse. Is this because he is destined to be a big arsehole?

Leaving garbage on the counter directly above the garbage can.

Walking past the bathroom, into my room, to tell me he has to throw up.

Using a bottle of shampoo a week on half an inch of hair.

Cleaning his sneakers. Every night. With a face cloth.

Waking me up to remind me to wake him up. (You mean like I have been doing every morning since you were born?)

I guess you can chalk all that up to being male. But this? I do not get this.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I am in some sort of parallel universe....I think.

The boy just cleaned the house. The entire house. I am officially in the Twilight Zone.

Ok, from a distance it appears clean. But upon closer inspection I have to say it's half-assed. The floor is clean but the corners are full of crumbs. When you walk into the bathroom, again it appears clean, but you look in the sink and it is full of toothpaste. The garbage is taken out, but just barely, it sits on my doorstep.

But hey, at least I didn't have to do it, and I didn't ask him to do it either. What is up with that? What has he done? What is broken? Should I expect a visit from the police or an angry father of a knocked up teenage girl?

I have decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and just go with it. I will let you know if I hear shots fired.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Wrong Word gets around.

We had a bit of a meltdown here a couple days ago. And it was all over gas, and I ain't talking flatulence here.

On the 22nd I was minding my own business when my friend called me. As I was talking to her I could hear the newscaster say 'a dollar seventy nine a litre'. She says, "Mom is stuck in a gas line, she heard that gas was going up to a dollar seventy nine a litre." Just as she said this I heard the newscaster say, 'it's just a rumor'. So, I say, "It's just a rumor."

"No way, Jimmy's friend said it is already $2.11 in Halifax!"

Again I say, "Just a rumor, it's all over the news." She is having none of it.

Later, I head out to visit a friend. You would not believe it. People were lined up for a quarter mile in each direction at every gas station. Police were directing traffic. Stations were running out of gas.

Don't these people ever listen to the news? I inch my way past one gas station and come up along side a cop directing traffic. "Have you thought to mention to these people that it is just a rumor?" The cop shrugs his shoulders and waves me by. As I look up at the station sign, it is still at $1.12 the same as it has been for over a month.

I get to my friends house and she is buzzing, "It's just a rumor." I say, feeling like a broken record. "Nope, we just passed the station down there and it is already up to $1.26 a litre." The same station I had just passed. You think this is how things get started?

"I am telling you it is just a rumor, it was all over the news."

"Your wrong, the guy at Walmart...."

"What guy at Walmart?"

"A guy, I don't know his name, he said it was already $2.11 in Halifax."
Possibly it was Jimmy's friend, spreading the word.

"Oh, well then! If the guy from Walmart says it is so, then it must be so. I, foolishly, was getting my information from the national news. But the guy from Walmart is a much more reliable source."

I wonder sometimes how these people make it across the street on their own without becoming a grease spot?