Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Did ya vote?

They are complaining this morning that there was only 60% voter turn out nationally for this election. Gee I wonder why?

Have you ever seen anything so ridiculous? Fourteen different parties? For the love of God! Marxist-Lennist???? WTF?

I do not feel one bit guilty for not voting. It was the stupidest ballot on the planet.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Messed Up Department.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is ...blah blah blah.

"Yay yus, my inna neyat has sars." Lord, give me strength.

"What exactly is happening."

"Nuttin is workin, I think I got sars. Kin ya hep me?"
You need medical attention, not technical support.

"Ok, but you have to describe exactly what is happening." I may be confusing him with all these words with more than one syllable.

"Nuttin, its just messed up." I am losing patience, and raising my voice.

"Ok, Cleetus,I need to know exactly what error message you are getting if any, you have to describe to me exactly what is happening on your screen, 'its just messed up' is not enough to go on! We do not have a department for 'messed up' here at the Undisclosed Customer Software Company�"

"I see, I giss I will cawl beck."
WTF? Is he waiting for us to develop a department for brain dead rednecks?

Maybe we should.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Best way to get your call times up? Argue with an asshole.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Blah Blah Blah, may I have your name please?"

Very funny.

"Can I have your name please?"

"I said no and I mean no, what do you need that for?"
Ok, I am too tired and cranky to deal with attitude.

"I don't need it, but you are not getting any farther than me without providing some information." Period.

This asshole decides to go on and on about his problem. He downloaded some "crap" off the internet and now he is having problems. I ask him what program he downloaded, he tells me (not a MS product).

"Ok, not sure why you are calling me."

"Ah...a little thing called wi.ndo.ws?"

"Did your wi.ndo.ws work before you did this?"


"Ok, still not understanding why you are calling me."

"Oh, that's a great attitude."

"Excuse me? You copped an attitude with me at the beginning of this call, now if you want to provide me with some info I can see if we can help you."

He goes off in another direction, he asks where I am located. When I tell him, Canada, he says. "Man we shouldn't have stopped at the border we should have kept on invading."

"Ya, well I think your forefathers got the hint when we burned down the white house that that might be a bad idea."
This is the point where my co-workers look at me like I am nuts.

"Oh ya, well at least we stole hockey from you."

I am bored so I go with it."Good luck finding an actual Americans playing on those teams. They don't have much luck when it comes to the Olympics where they have to have actual Americans. Canadians still kick butt."

I try and get him back on track. "Why don't we get some info about your product and try and get your issue resolved? Can I have your product key?"

"Why do you need that?"

"Humor me."
He gives me the key and surprise surprise, its pirated. I try and explain it to him, "So, you understand why I can't offer you assistance on that software."

"Why not?"
He is not getting it.

"Because it is STOLEN." Had to dumb it down for him.

"Ok, so what if I wanted to go back to 98?"

"It is out of warranty, so it would cost you 35 bucks for support."

"What? I paid a lot of money for this and it is out of warranty? That is crap."

"And its old, software has a life span, it can't be warrantied forever."

"But I still own it, like my car, its 10 years old but I still drive it."

"I'm sure you paid a lot of money for that too, I would think you would be more upset that the warranty ran out on that.
" I am tired, and this guy is boring me.

"So, you are saying you won't help me."

"Not with the stolen software, go out and purchase your own, and call us back, we can help then."

"Maybe I will just go out and buy a M.ac"

"Totally up to you, but good luck finding software that isn't MS."
I am done with this guy.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Computer Software Company�, you have a nice day."

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Conversation with SUV Guy.

Hey SUV Guy, I have really enjoyed following you through the rain for the past 20 minutes. It is really not distracting at all that you slow down and speed up every few minutes, usually coinciding with my attempts to pass.

No,really, I don't need you to go any particular speed. You pick one, change your mind, whatever. I will just stay right here, behind you.

And no, I don't care that you don't use your turn signal, it's really none of my business where you go. And it is totally ok that you changed your mind three times. It has just been a happy coincidence that we seem to be going in the same direction.

Speed limits, stop signs, turn signals even those pesky yellow lines down the center of the road? Merely suggestions. You do whatever you like, I am sure when they wrote the rules of the road they meant to say, "that goes for everyone except SUV Guy".

I am just enjoying the view of your back bumper, and fantasizing about blowing your fucking brains out at the next light.

You have a nice day.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

2 years, 3 months and 13 days.

And only 505 posts. What a slacker I am.

I was just catching up with Emily's blog and I realized that I missed my blogs second anniversary. It was on March 10th, and I totally forgot. Time flies when you are having fun?

I didn't even post on that day. I was in the middle of getting a tattoo and the depo shot, so I can say I was traumatized at the time, right? Ya sure.

Oh well, Happy Belated Anniversary, Blog!

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

The many moods of Evel.



I am easily addicted.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Time well wasted.

Just thought I would show you the buddy icon I made, thanks to link from Radmilla.

Oh, and Happy Father's Day to all who deserve it, that includes mothers.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Lord, give me strength.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�...blah blah blah.

The woman on the other end, Maria, is very upset. She can't get on the internet. She is with Ne.tz.er.o, when she tries to get on the internet it tells her she has to have AOhelL. Throughout her long and boring story she does not mention one MS product. When I try and find out what MS product she is using she is notforthcomingg. Perhaps I can get her to walk through the process and see if she is using MSIE.

"Ok, what do you click on to get on the internet."

Ok, that didn't work.

"But once you get online do you use MSIE to surf?"

"No. It's Ne.tz.er.o."

"Ok, Maria, but this is MS. If I can't determine you are having a problem with a MS product, I can't help you. Let's go through the steps and see if you are. Click on the icon you use to connect to the internet."

"I can't touch the computer, I am on the phone."

"That's fine, it won't connect but I need you to do it."

"NO! I can't touch it, I am on the phone."

"Maria, it won't connect to the internet but I need you to open that program or we can't go any further."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, you are making me feel like an idiot!"
Your kidding right? "I CAN'T TOUCH THE COMPUUUUUUUUTERRRRRR, I AM ON THE PHOOOOOOONNNNNE!" She is not kidding. She is bawling. This woman makes dirt seem intelligent.

After swearing to her that nothing catastrophic was going to happen if she clicked on that icon, she finally agreed. I had an evil grin on my face, if it was the last thing I did, I was going to get her through to a technician here. A couple weeks in this Q and I have a mean streak a mile long. I wish I could be a fly in the cubiclel of the tech that gets her. I just know I am going to hell.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Everything bad is my fault. The father gets credit for everything else.

The boy has been talking about a school trip to PEI for a week now. I really wanted everything to go as he planned. I even sat on my last 20 bucks in case his father didn't come through. Well yesterday, the principal calls me, the boy has not passed in his permission slip, he has been carrying it around for a week. JEEZ! That gets straightened out. The bus left at 7am this morning, they have to catch the ferry at 8am. You may now direct your eyes to the time stamp.

6:51AM - I am in a dream and I hear a siren. It's getting closer, I wake up just as the boy is crashing through my door. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH" He is running in spot. "MOM!!!! YOU DIDN'T WAKE ME UP, IT'S 8 O'CLOCK!!!! I MISSED THE BUS!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?"

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! You had the alarm, you did not wake you up."

He has now thrown himself down on the floor beside my bed, he is still screaming. Of course this is my fault.

I am awake now, it is NOT 8 it is 6:52am. I pick up the phone and call the school. The bus has not left. I grab the boy and throw clothes at him, "GET DRESSED" I throw his carefully chosen lunch into his bag and a pair of shorts in after it, and throw all into the car. I feed him Lysterine pocket packs all the way there, for the monster breath. We pull up in front of the school at 6:55am. It's like a drive-by shooting, I barely stop and he is out the door.

I am woman, hear me roar!

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I can do the time, man!

Today is my day off, I was anticipating spending most of it in bed. But Public Works had other ideas. At 8:15am, right outside my bedroom window, a nice young man on a huge backhoe with a hackhammer on the front bucket commenced his work day.

I found myself wondering what the penalty really is in Canada for mass murder. What if I just killed one and winged the other four? What if I called in a bomb threat? No, that wouldn't work, then there would be sirens and most likely they would want to evacuate me.

I have not had a decent nights sleep in months, between the landlord roofing the house and then scraping the house in anticipation of painting it and the construction going on on this street, there has been three solid months of early rising.

I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON! That is why I work nights.

To add insult to injury, the boy desides he is not going to go to school today. Ya think? I don't!

I have just told him that if he doesn't get his ass out of this house in 5 minutes, I will clear his room of anything even remotely entertaining.....and burn it!

He needs to get the hell out of my face today! I still haven't filled in the hole in the backyard.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Frivolous purchases from eBay.

Faceplates for my cell phone. Got them for a buck fifty each. Mmmm...Beer!

Saturday, June 12, 2004

I'm glad you asked...

Long walks on the beach - why do people put that shit in every single personal ad? If this were a true statement then, at any given moment, you should be able to go to the beach and meet a shitload of people. Doesn't sound very romantic to me.

Anything else I can help you with? Rhetorical question. Fuck off, I am going to transfer you.

On the virus line there are three phone options. Press one if you would like a fax sent to you on sasser. Press two if you would like to speak to a technician. Press three if you would like a fax sent to you on protecting your pc. Otherwise (I apologize to the rednecks for the three syllable word, I think this is what throws them) stay on the line and a customer service agent will be with you shortly. WHAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM? You sit on hold waiting for me to get to you only to tell me you want to speak to a technician. OPTION 2 YOU F'ING CRAYON!

Public shows of affection. Cute in small doses, but please do not lick your boyfriends face in my presence or I shall bitch slap you. It's just gross, not to mention unsanitary.

Mi.cro.so.ft is a software company. You DO NOT have a Mi.cro.so.ft computer, we did not send you a computer, your Mi.cro.so.ft IS NOT broke. Wi.nd.ows and Of.fice are two completely different programs you cannot update one with the other. When you are trying to connect to the internet and the error message says username and password incorrect, use your head and call your ISP. Mi.cro.so.ft is NOT the internet. Before calling me and ripping a strip off me about your software being defective, please make sure it is actually Mi.cro.so.ft software, I will smite you.

We DO NOT make viruses, nor do we send them to you. (trust me, I checked) Do not get up in my face when we can't solve your issue in one call. It was you who chose to ignore the warnings and to not protect your pc, the call is free.

Those stickers that proclaim the name of the dealership where you purchased your car. WTF? I paid thousands of dollars for the privilege of advertising your business? I don't fucking think so, off it comes.

Comment, for fuck sake!

A man hits a woman once, its his fault. If she chooses to stay with the asshole, any time he hits her after that, its all her. We are not living in some backwater country, get with the fucking program.

If you do not like your life, stop whining and change it. I am sick of hearing about it.

Old guys with face piercings. If you are over 40, clean cut and presentable, a unobtrusive eyebrow ring is sexy. However if you look as though you have been rode hard and put up wet, a nose ring is not going to enhance your appearance in any way shape or form.

Monster Trucks = dick extension
Large Dogs = dick extension
Flashy cars = dick extension

Your not fooling anyone with that comb over.

Beer guts are NOT attractive.

Belly shirts should have a weight restriction as well as a sex restriction. If you haven't seen your shoes in a while, chances are belly shirts are not for you.

Circus Animals - just because they haven't figured out that they can kill your stupid ass, does not mean they enjoy performing.

People who blame fast food for their obesity. No one is cramming that big mac down your pie hole but you.

Now that that is off my chest....I feel much better.

...to be continued.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Wanted: One coffee guy. Reliable. Car optional.

I am going back to work tonight after a couple days off and I am not looking forward to it. You see, my coffee guy has gone to day shift.

And he is a hard act to follow. By the end of our run, he was going automatically and if I forgot to tell him I wanted coffee, he would get it anyway barring the occasional brain fart.

Now I have to interview for a new coffee guy. There is one in the building, Howie, who goes around and takes orders but he doesn't have me as a regular stop and I have gotten so spoiled with my old coffee guy that I sometimes forget to hunt him down. There is another guy, Teffer, who will go for you but it is a bit of a production number every single time.

"So, Teffer, you going for coffee?"
"Would love to, but I have no car." I know you have no car, you talk about the fact daily.
"You can take my car." Just like the last 15 times you went to get me coffee.
"Sure, I'll go then." There is two minutes I will never get back.

What I really need is a person that "gets" that I want coffee every night, he need not ask me, he just needs to deliver.

Idiots need not apply.

And another thing...

The boy broke his skateboard. Between payweeks. I told him he would have to wait till next week for a new deck. He whined. I told him if his father coughed up a week of child support in advance I could swing it. The father did, and I bought a deck.

Bolt is stripped on trucks, boy flips out. I tell boy that I getting the same crap as before I bought the deck, what is my motivation for buying a deck in the future? At least before I was $50 richer.

Who do you suppose gets credit for the buying of the skateboard?

I need my head examined.

Wednesday, June 9, 2004

Bone Tired!

Haven't posted in a while, not because nothing is going on, just tired.

The 10 hour shifts are getting to me. Not only are they long, but they are filled with morons. I spent a better part of my shift with my head on my desk, groaning. How do these people find me?

"I have the sasser worm."
"What sort of thing is happening?"
"My computer is slow."
"Ok....not the worm. Are you sure that is all that is happening?"
"Yes, and Dell told me it was the virus and you would help me for free."

I told him no that he didn't have the virus and since he was OEM there would be a fee.
He was indignant, "DELL TOLD ME..."

"Look, Dave, I have no control over what Dell told you and I am sorry you have been misinformed, but those are your options." Take it or leave it.

Another guy calls in and he is pissed that he has to pay. "No wonder you guys are getting sued all the time, what a racket. I have half a mind to just junk this computer and go another way."

"Well there is always M.ac.in.to.sh, Brad. But I am afraid, you will still have to deal with our software."

"I need to pay more attention to the law suites against you. What other alternative do I have but you guys?"
"There's always Lin.ux." Good luck with that.

"What version of wi.nd.ows are you running?"
"Of.fice 2001"
"Is it of.fice or wi.nd.ows you are having the trouble with?"
"Oh, hee hee, sorry, it's Wi.nd.ows Of.fi.ce version 6."

Tuesday, June 1, 2004

Small world, and getting smaller.

Last night was a bitch, literally. I was getting all the dregs of society. All the knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, banjo playing, absolute lowest common denominator of this god-forsaken planet.

My co-workers were keeping a wide birth, the look on my face said, "Would someone please jab me in the eye with an ice pick." At one point I was literally banging my head on the desk.

I was trying to give this guy a product key and he was repeating every single letter back to me, and then after every set of five he was repeating that back to me, and when the key was done he was repeating the whole thing back to me. He did this twice, once when he was actually typing it in and again when he was writing it down for "future reference". Holy fuck, why would he have to write it down, after making me commit it to memory?

The other half of my calls were from [ SP ENTITLE ]. You know we used to bitch about having to call this Q, that all the agents were assholes, now I understand why. I will never call them that again.

So I am at the end of my proverbial rope when [ SP ENTITLE ] comes up on my phone.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Evel, may I have your name please?"

"Yes this is mm from blah blah." Hmmmmm wonder if it is the same mm? If it is she will recognize my name and ask me.

"You said your name was Evel?" It is her."Hi, mm. Yes, it is who you think it is."

Mm is a regular reader of this and another site I post on. We met when she recognized references to Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and thought maybe we worked in the same building. Upon further examination we figured out, she is an SP in the US where I regularly send our customers. Have seen her name on many cases. How's that for small world?

So, last night, she needs to redirect (legitimately, I might add) a customer and out of all the CSR's she gets me. That just made my night and I actually put the ice pick away.

And the world just keeps getting smaller and smaller.