"Clarice, we cannot continue this call until you are wearing the tinfoil hat."

Fyr reminded me of a story.

I did not get this call but I was sitting near the person who did. A woman called in and she was frantic. She was convinced that Orange had implanted a microchip in her uterus.

How, you might ask? Well, she went to a prenatal site. Where you put in your info, due date that sort of thing. When she went back a week later, it showed a picture of her fetus and each subsequent week it would show it growing. She was freaked out. So she is now convinced that Orange has implanted her. "How else would they know?" She was frantic.

She could not be convinced otherwise. She spoke to three agents and finally asked for a manager. After the agent told the manager what she was dealing with he thought for second and replied to the agent, "Tell her its a hardware issue. She will have to call the manufacturer." I nearly died laughing.

This is not really a rare call, sometimes I am amazed that these people make it across the street safely.

It's Alive!

This might freak some people out, but this is really how it is.



I remember when The Boy was in utero. Having hours of fun, putting objects on my belly and having him kick them off. Even a rotary phone, and those things are heavy.

Mind you, sometimes it felt like a scene from Alien, but most of the time it was cool.

Sweet Jesus! I've been shot!

Had a doctor's appointment for my birth control shot. I have been putting it off because I hate needles.

Yes, I know, I got a tattoo so there are no more excuses.

I have been wanting to get this thing for a long time. Every second chick at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� is taking it and they all rave. The number one reason? It gets rid of your period all together.

Wait, maybe you didn't hear me. It - gets - rid - of - your - period, period! Does the Pope know about this? Are all good Catholics out there aware of this?

Lets see, you can defy your religion every time you wake up and chose to take that little white pill or you can just sin once every 3 months and never have a period again. The Pope needs to get with this program.

Anyway, my appointment is at 11 and I wake up at 7:15am, WTF? I lay my head back down, just for a minute. HOLY SHIT, it's 11:34! Call up the doctor to apologize, "How soon can you get here?" Its just a shot, anyone in the office can do it. Hoping that the janitor will be on his lunch break, I hop in the car.

And hit every fucking light in town. Finally I make it, but of course there are no parking spaces, I have to park at the grocery store and walk up. "Hey Evel, do you mind if Ann gives you the shot? She's an RN?" Gus was indeed on his lunch break.

"Are you positive you are not pregnant?"

"Well, if I was I would be accompanied today by the Enquirer. And of course the Pope would need to be notified, being as it's His baby and all." I probably shouldn't make this woman giggle, she is holding a rather lethal looking needle that she is intending to plunge into me.

"You want it in the arm or the ass? The ass hurts less." Ok, apparently there was a question in there somewhere, albeit a stupid question. I drop my drawers and take one for the team.

A few minutes later I am on my way home, shot up with pro gestational steroid. If this works, then the Pope will just have to understand. One less mouth to feed at the very last supper.