Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Don't get me started.

  • The temperature does not drop 40 degrees when you cross the border. It's called the metric system, the whole world uses it. Besides the US, there are only 2 or 3 third world countries that are still on Imperial measure. Get with the program.
  • Men who put their sunglasses on their heads. You can only pull that off if your gay. Ditto for flip flops.
  • Stop assuming I eat lobster every day. Dude, those things are expensive and they don't just roam free in the parking lot.
  • I have never even seen an igloo, let alone live in one. And the only dog sled I have ever seen was on TV.
  • Metrosexuals: Pick a fuckin' team.
  • It's called gun control, not oppression. If you see a guy with a pistol and he is not in uniform, he's a criminal. Simple.
  • CSI: They are always walking around with little flashlights. Why don't they ever turn a fuckin' light on?
  • No, Canadian is not the same as American. "Oh thank God you're American." "I am actually Canadian." "Same thing." Don't they teach you bigots geography?
  • No I can't see what you are doing, its a fuckin' telephone, can you see me?
  • Not all fat chicks are short, so why can't you make a pantleg for the rest of us. Shoulder pads don't fool anyone. I just look like a linebacker.
  • If you want me to fix your computer, please note that "Its acting weird" is not enough information to go on. And if you start the conversation with 'once upon a time' I will beat myself to death with my keyboard.
  • "The program has performed an illegal operation" does not mean the SWAT team is on its way.
  • "How are you today?" Is a fuckin' rhetorical question. I do not give a flying fuck how you are.
Ya, been having a bit of a bad week.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 07-29-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- social retardation (Philladelphia) (#2) Fascinating subject.
- soulsphincter egypt music (Sweden) (#5)
- enovation graphics/minnesota (North Carolina) (#1)
- marillaanne (Virginia) (#2)
- apfel herz (Germany) (#?) No idea.
- ophthalmic migraines picture of aura (Ontario) (#1)
- desiree glinden (California) (#6)
- thank you for calling (Philippines) (#10)

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Lancaster Outreach (Texas)
Town Of Munster (Indiana)
Cybercity (Denmark)
University Of North Carolina At Wilmington
Amazon.com Inc (Seattle)
Ocean State Higher Education And Administration Network (Rhode Island)
Dynetics Inc (Alabama)
Indigene Pharmaceuticals (Massachusetts)
Zenith Electronics Corporation (New Jersey)
News International (UK)

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Ever take a stroll through Forest Park or grab a bite at Tokyo Japanese Steak House & Sushi Bar & Lounge?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Fade to black.

It was ten minutes til quittin' time and my phone rings. Someone upstairs hates me. After trying to beat the software to within an inch of its life, I realize I will I have to dig it out manually with a butter knife.

This is going to take forever. Wonder if a phone malfunction will go unnoticed? I look up, I am the only one on the phones and there is just one manager, So much for that idea. It would be like two guys in an elevator. One farts and everybody knows who did it.

2AM and I can't get one of my tools to work so I can't find the list of shit I need to remove from the registry, I look around, the place is empty and I swear to God I can hear crickets chirping. I give my head a shake, "You're losing it."

Finally finish ripping the software out of the computer with my bare hands at 3AM. Thank Fuck, I can get the hell out of here.

Again I hear the crickets chirping. Shouldn't there be some kind of haunting closing music as I fade to black? Who's delusion is this anyway? I say good night to the last manager standing.

ME: "Can you hear that?"

LAST MANAGER STANDING: Without looking up. "The chirping?"

Ya, guess I am not crazy after all, just in the middle of a bad movie.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Wading in the shallow end of the gene pool.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"I am trying to put a vertical line in my document and I can't do it."

"Ok, just click on INSERT then SHAPE and you will see an icon that when you roll your mouse over it will say LINE."

"Ya, but that one is diagonal."
Are you kidding me?

"Uh, only if you make it diagonal. It's a straight line tool...you can make it go any way you like."

"For real?"
Give me strength.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"My son was messing around with the computer and when I opened LookOut Quick, it asked me if I wanted it as my default. I thought that was a weird thing to ask, I of course said yes. Now all my email are gone! All of them!"

"Are you sure you were using LookOut Quick before?"


"Positive? Not LookOut?"

After ten minutes of back and forth, me asking another way and her swearing up and down that she uses LookOut Quick, she finally yells to her husband.

"Honey? What email do we use?"

He yells back, "LookOut." She is silent.

I pretend I didn't hear him. "Just for fun lets open LookOut."

She clicks on it, "Ok, but I am sure I use LookOut Quick but..." Then I hear her singing, "Hal-le-lu-jah, Hal-le-lu-jah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hal-le-eh-lujah!" and she doesn't stop till she finishes.

"So, all your email is there?"

"Ya, now I have to go apologize to my son."

And another thing...

My friend Bunnie is vacationing on D'Nile.

"My doctor put me on two new medications, TWO!"


"My sugar is way up, [insert whiney voice here] He told me I have to give up sugar. But I told him [and here] it's summer, there is ice cream [yup, here too] and ice cold pepsi..." I zone out at that point. He is clearly being unreasonable, demanding that she give up the very things that make her most happy.

"Bunnie, he isn't doing it just to be mean. It's called diabetes. It's not personal."

She looks at me like Hammy from Over the Hedge as if to say, "But I love the cookie!"

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Ophthalmic Migraines

This is about the freakiest thing about me. It is really hard to describe what I see during one of these migraines. The picture doesn't quite do it justice.

It starts with a small backwards 'C' in the center of my vision. The 'C' looks like it is drawn in a zig-zag pattern and is moving constantly. Sort of reminds me of TV static. My lips and the left side of my face also gets numb and tingly, and I can't put two thoughts together. Freaky.

As the 'C' gets bigger and moves to the peripheral vision it is not as easy to ignore. Sometimes it is quite comical to watch me walk, for some reason I am 'pulled' to the left, sort of like I am staggering but I swear if I didn't bump into shit I would probably involuntarily walk in a complete circle. Mind you, it wasn't that funny at first. I, like a lot of people, thought I was having a stroke.

The cause is due to a temporary spasm in the blood vessels behind the eye called "vasospasm" similar to a spasm or cramp that you may have once experienced in one of your leg muscles (Charlie-Horse).

I am lucky, in that I don't actually get a migraine per se, just a pressure at the base of my skull once the visual aura dissipates. Annoying but not painful.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 07-22-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- china crisis wishful thinking audio moonfruit (England) (#2) Wha??
- girls in grande prairie alberta can fucking (Edmonton) (#9) Looks like someone is planning a trip.
- how to start a cooperative corp in ca / cafe (Iowa) (#4)
- mtv's facebook group 25 000 people (New York) (#2)
- gilchrist cat breeders london ontario (Toronto) (#9)
- boys feet pedophile (Washington) (#2) Um, eeeewww.
- shit new age (Madrid) (#9) Too much fiber?

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

University Erlangen Nuremberg (Germany)
Berger & Singerman (Miami)
Snowman Printing (Maine)
Indiana University-purdue University At Indianapolis
Fannie Mae (DC)
Goldman Sachs Company (New York)
Greater Louisville Assoc. Of Realtor (Kentucky)
Fachhochschule Fuer Technik Und Wirtschaft (Berlin) University of Applied Sciences
Swiss Re (New York)
New Generation Software Inc (Sacramento)
U.s. Patent And Trademark Office (Virginia)
Lakehead University (Ontario)

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Ever eat at Sbarro's or catch a flight out of Ronald Reagan International Airport?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Nervous wreck!

I am sitting here surfing and I hear - squeak! squeak! It's faint, but I can hear it. Almost like the low mew that Milo gives me when he wants out. Sammy is a horse of a different color. When he wants out its a mournful wail. This is a faint, squeak squeak.

Then it registers, it can't be Milo because I already let him out. Oh fuck! Maybe he brought something in with him? A little gift, one only a cat would think was fucking appropriate.

I yell for the boy. I tell him what I hear and comes in armed with a flashlight. He is searching any crevice that a cat could stuff a 'gift'.

"Turn the computer off, I can't hear."

"Uh, no."

"I can't hear."

"Forget it, I will let you know if I hear it again."

A few minutes later, I do hear it again, (squeak! squeak!)I freeze. My blood runs cold. Bats make that noise too, don't they? I had a bat in here before so it is not outside the realm of possibilities. I hear it again, I can't turn around. Where is it coming from?

Bunnie is messaging me, I move the mouse to open the chat window - squeak! squeak!

Are you fucking kidding me? I message the boy, "It really was a mouse, and your mother is a moron. Thanks for playing."

Friday, July 20, 2007

I just don't have the bone structure for it anymore.

When you get old, there are some things you just have to come to terms with. Gone are the days when you could drink all night and wake up in a chair, grab the nearest beer and start all over. Sooner or later, pot ceases to send you flying and just kicks you in the ass, rendering you unconscious within minutes.

I went to a friends staggette Satruday night. I was not planning on drinking. Mainly because I hate leaving my car anywhere and going through all the bullshit of getting it back the next morning. Anyway, the bride's mother convinced me to have a few. At first I said no but she presented me with a Chocolate Russian. Ok, I was committed.

As long as we were at the house, shootin' the shit on the back deck, it was fun. I had made my decision and I was prepared to get shit-faced. I did not, however, manage to get shit-faced before they decided to take the party on the road and visit the local 'Pick-a-Pig'.

I don't do crowds very well and a crowd of drunken 20-somethings is not something I look forward to.

I made it to just outside the pub. I am sitting in the car watching the patrons pour out of the pub. A group crosses the street, one girl yells back some obscenity to the bouncer and falls flat on her ass. There she was, in all her glory with her skirt jacked up around her waste revealing a very unfortunate choice in undergarments.

At that moment my decision was made. Reality slapped me in the face. "I am definately not drunk enough to go in there."

Guess I will just quietly rage against the dying of the light. Ok, maybe not rage, more like whimper pitifully.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

And another thing...

Who's fault is it then?

I don't give a shit if you are rich or poor, black, white or fucking purple. You know what you are doing is fucking wrong!

Gang-rape at Dunbar Village

Defense attorneys are blaming the government's neglect of the environment these boys grew up in. The poverty and crime they live with and the media's glorification of violence. That might fly if they were just breaking in and robbing, but they raped and tortured this woman and her son for hours.

Perhaps it is society's pension for explaining away the actions of our youths. Our own Young Offenders Act here in Canada as much says if you are under 17 you can pretty much get away with anything. Drug dealers recruit 12 year olds because they know all they will get is a slap on the wrist. The criminal minds of our society have embraced the laws, they know how to get around them. Every day we hear of people getting acquitted for horrendous deeds because they were 'abused' as a child or grew up in a bad part of town.

Give me a fucking break!

You do not have to be a Rhodes scholar to know that raping and torturing is wrong. The bleeding heart liberals are not doing the world any favors by explaining this shit away. People have to get back to basics. If you do something wrong, you go to jail. I am sure in the back of these kids minds they were thinking they could get away with it. And why not? That is what the media and the legal system is telling them on a daily basis. That is what their own experience is telling them, the assholes who hurt them got away scott free.

It's a catch 22. You have people that had to endure a lot of shit when they were younger, sexual and physical abuse and they turn into monsters when they are older. But if those abusers had been punished in the first place...?

So we have to start now, it will be tough but we have to before its too late. Before the criminals outnumber the rest of us. There has to be a clear message. You will be punished. Its easy to feel sorry for these kids and the raw deal life has given them, but where does it stop?

When do you stop making excuses?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Racial Profiling?

Got to work yesterday and there was, of course, no seats. When this happens they put us all in a room so we are not milling about. Meaning they are paying us for doing nothing. We love that shit. We sign a sheet and as the seats become available they call us out. First in first out.

I am sitting in the room with about 15 Bengali's and two white dudes. After about 15 minutes a manager comes in and says she is going to send a senior tech in to do some up-training. (Translation: something to keep us busy)

Five minutes after that the Big Giant Head walks in, looks at the sheet and then looks around. He spots White Guy #1, points at him and says, "I got a seat for you." WG#1 has a quizzical look, he is pretty sure he is not first on the list, but he goes.

Another five minutes goes by and the Big Giant Head comes back in. Again he looks at the sheet and then scans the room. "White Guy #2? You're up." I start to chuckle.

Now I am the only chick in a room full of Bengali's. One of them leans over and whispers, "He reads sheet from bottom?" Cuz this guy knows he was first to sign the sheet.

"No Dude, he just can't pronounce any of your names."

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Makes ya proud, eh?

Heritage Minutes, I cringe every time one comes on the TV.

I don't know what the hell these people are thinking, but I hope none these brain dead videos are seen in any other country.

Most of them broadcast some stupid fuck up that is supposed to make us proud to be a Canadian, with a voice over that says, "So-and-so was wrong but..."

Ever wonder why we are called Canada? We had an idiot translator! Nice.

Woo Hoo, lets not forget we killed one Chinese man for every mile of the Canadian railway. Cheerful.

And, of course, we did realize that water puts out fire. Brilliant.

Our most famous Canadian Indian, was neither Canadian nor an Indian. So apparently we are gullible.

And my personal favorite, how Jean Nicollet got lost looking for the Pacific ocean and all he found was lake Michigan.

Maybe that is why Canadians give such fucked up directions. It all started with an Inukshuk.
What is your cyborg name?

Electronic Violence and Exploration Lifeform

Get Your Cyborg Name

Ha Ha....Cool.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 07-15-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- hey, if you can find the money to kill people% (California) (#2)
- getting married at holiday inn robie street (Nova Scotia) (#4)
- dufferin peel mac os (Ontario) (#3)
- fuck buddy - valley stream (New York) (#9)
- i'm not a surgeon, holiday inn (California) (#3)
- funny quotes freeze mother bitches (Australia) (#2) Wish I knew what was going through people's heads.
- were does matt bellamy buy his clothes from (England) (#3)
- search for melody layne in louisville kentucky (Georgia) (#3)
- what jamaicans have to say (England) (#4) About what?
- lurking blog creepy isp academic (England) (#1) No idea where this is going.
- british columbia the worst shit hole on earth (British Columbia) (#2) I doubt that, there are probably worse shit holes on the earth.
- layne thrasher fired (California) (#1) Ya, not clear.

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Silicon Valley Bank (California)
Netscape Communications Corp (Rancho Cucamonga, California)
Six Disciplines (Findlay, Ohio)
Towerstream Corporation (Massachusetts)
St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital (Houston)
Wells Fargo And Company (California)
Kidd And Driscoll Advertising (Florida)
Google Inc (Mountain View)
Makemusic Inc (Minnesota)
Hanes Companies Inc (North Carolina)
Columbia University (New York)
University Of Toronto (Ontario)
IBM Corporation (Poughkeepsie)

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Considering the businesses located here, you would think Google Earth would have more info about the area besides commenting on peoples bad parking skills. The T-Rex with little flamingos around it is interesting though.

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Dyslexic seizures.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

The woman comes through without even a case created and I soon realize why. Not many people enjoy talking to the insane as much as I do. She is distraught.

"I just installed the new program and this thing in the top left corner keeps blinking at me."

"What thing?"

"The Orange Button. Oh for Christ's sake, it stopped now, but it has been driving me crazy all day, flashing. I know this sounds crazy..."
ya think? "but I can't look at stuff like that I have a condition, I can't look at websites with all that flashing neither....I am, you know, dyslexic."

In her haste to cover up her insanity and give a plausible explanation why she would pay $49 to talk to me about the annoying flashing orange button, she got her diseases mixed up.

"You mean epileptic?"

"Ya, I can't look at that stuff."

"Uh, it flashes when you use the program, it probably stopped flashing because you are not doing anything. It replaces the annoying little hourglass. Unfortunately, its a feature that you can't disable."

"So, not a bug?"

"Uh, no."

It's like an epileptic seizure, only you do it out of sequence.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

OKAY! OKAY! Stop poking me, I'm doing it.

Ok, this is the second time someone has tagged me for the rockin' girl award. Thanks to Anna and Michelle, I appreciate it, its just the passing it along that haven't gotten to yet.

I am pretty sure I mentioned that Procrastination is a planet and I am it's queen.

Anyway, here is a list of some of the Rockin' Chicks I know.

Radmila Cool chick, I never miss a post. Especially when she talks with or about Mamma.
Desiree She is what I would call a broad. She had the guts to get braces at 42, aces in my books.
Michelle Another Canuck, she has been through a lot of shit, but so far, not bitter.
Tomorrow (I think I just caught on that she might want anonymity) My favorite teacher, she is a great read.
Anna She knows me in real life and she still talks to me...That, in and of itself, is amazing.
Fyr She reads me....therefore she rocks.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Smells like hypocrisy...tastes like chicken.

You have gotta love the hypocrisy of the entertainment industry.

Live Earth is promoting green to save the planet - what planet are they on?

I think Al might have had good intentions but the idea of 'carbon offsetting' is just too ridiculous. Sounds good, but translates into retarded.
Carbon offsetting involves 'neutralising' the emissions you are responsible for by buying 'credits'.

A spokesperson for Live Earth says: "This might involve buying environmentally sound lightbulbs for a Third World school, planting trees, or installing solar panels in a developing country."

Are you fucking kidding me? I can blow a hole in the ozone, I just have to plant a tree in Bora Bora. Makes all kinds of sense. Sounds like someone is trying to appease all the real polluters, rich folk. After all they are the only ones who can truly afford to buy the ultra-polluting vehicles, jets etc...

Madonna, you yourself produce more than 100 times the average amount of waste produced by Britons in a year. But hey, no worries, just as long as you remember to pick up those light bulbs for that third world country on your way to and from your castle in your SUV.

I think I did more for global warming than any of them. I stayed the fuck home. Live Earth might have amounted to exactly what Bob Geldof and the Who singer Roger Daltrey predicted: a huge, offensive rock concert. Matt Bellamy, front man of the rock band Muse, has dubbed it 'private jets for climate change'.

Honestly, what planet are these crayons on. A better idea would have been to broadcast individual podcasts on the internet for free. Nobody travels, no private jets in the air, no litter, no need to recycle. But then, Madonna couldn't have gotten her ego stoked, live and in person.


Sunday, July 8, 2007

YOU ARE HERE - 07-08-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- if you think socialized medicine is a good idea ask a canadian (Toronto) (#2) The answer is yes, it is good. Thanks for asking.
- was james gandolfini shot by a fan (California) (#6) Uh, no.
- the absense of ????? makes the heart (Philippines) (#2)
- mount laurel cheating wendy (New Jersey) (#2)
- sister-in-law porn (British Columbia) (#3)
- how much of ireland's population is in reykjavik? (Connecticut) (#9)
- where was th movie the english patient filmed (Florida) (#4) Portions of it was filmed in Tunisia
- pyburn films (New Jersey) (#?)
- decent fucking weekend empty nest (New York) (#?)
- what do jamaicans call their language (Philadelphia) (#8)
- sister-in-law porn - These keywords represent 7% of search engine traffic to this site. Ya gotta love porn, eh?

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Knox Basketball Inc (Melbourne)
U.s. Securities & Exchange Commission (Bronx, New York)
Education Department Of Western Australia (Canberra)
Teale Data Center (Sacramento)
Investors Bank & Trust Company (Rhode Island)
Jewish General Hospital (Montreal)
Lock Inspection Systems Ltd (London)
Bmc West Corporation (Boise, Idaho)
Eastern Virginia Medical School (Norfolk)
Holiday Inn Somerset (New Jersey)
Fort Worth Star Telegram (Texas)
Matheson Valves & Fitting (Quebec)
The Bank Of New York (Brooklyn)
Naval Surface Warfare Center (New York)
Redstone Production Network (UK)

Can You See Your House From Here?

HINT: Ever spend your Wednesdays at the Boronia Radio Control Car Club?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Hello down there!

Happy Independence Day!

Hope you all partied till you puked. BBQ'ed, drank yourselves silly and blew some stuff up.

Wow, hadn't realized how fat my fingers looked. I know, this is a Happy whatever day post, but it really is all about me.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Social Retardation fascinates me.

Since the projects have been shuffled, we lost Weird Office Guy to the new ISP project. But don't have a telethon for us. There are plenty more where he came from.

Enter WOG2.

A little back story. Every Friday the Muslims in our project take off around 1:30 for prayers at a local rec center. A few of them will dress in traditional garb for the occasion. (sort of, but not quite like the pic on the left) I was walking by WOG2 and did a double take. WTF? Is he wearing pajamas? Over his clothes? I just shake my head.

This does not go unnoticed by the rest of the project. Potsie pipes up. "What is up with WOG2?"

Ok, not to pick on the weirdos, I defend him, "Well, its Friday, maybe he is going to prayers."

"Is he even Muslim?" White dude, middle aged, with a forehead that reaches almost to the back of his head, and not in a sexy 'Captain Pickard' sort of way...you get me? More like, 'I am bald but I will grow my hair long so you don't realize I am bald' sort of delusional way.

"Maybe he has converted? Either that or he is just insane." I go about my business, but in the back of my mind, I have to find out this guy's deal. I was sure he was just going to prayers with the rest of them. Why would anyone risk public humiliation if not for religion?

It doesn't take me long to get the scoop. "Hey, remember WOG2? Ya, he is not going to prayers. Turns out he is just insane."

"That's a relief."

"He went on vacation in Africa. This is his Friday suit. Says that while he was there, he made it with a princess and apparently we will all be bowing down to him when he is ruler of the continent."
I get a blank stare from Potsie.

"I kid you not. Dude is seriously ill. He says that shit with a straight face."

I think I will have to investigate deeper. How do people like this function in society? I mean, most of the Uber Geeks are a bit nutty buddy, we take it for granted. But our little 'geek central' hasn't been open more than 5 years. What was this dude doing before this?

This shit fascinates me.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Greetings from the Great White North.

Have a good one, Y'all!