The ship is sinking.

I have been getting all kinds of reports from friends still working for my former employer, the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™

I believe that the biggest client, the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ will pull out completely very soon. Just before I left they lost the operating system support contract to the center in India, and soon after I left the Email support contract was lost as well.

They still have the customer service contract but I don't see it lasting. And I will tell you why.

When I was still there you would hear about people being fired for hanging up on up to 500 people in a month. One person, Five Hundred! Who does that? You would have to hang up on most of the people that call you, what makes a person do that?

Along with the firings, there are the tenured people who are quitting. People who know their jobs and do it well. Why? because they realize that there is no reward for doing your job well there. You go the extra mile to make sure the customer has a good experience, and you lose the 'bonus' because your call time is so high. Meanwhile, the guy who hung up on 500 people has excellent call times (until they realized how he was doing it) and he gets the bonus.

Middle management doesn't care, they get the bonus regardless. But when you are a tenured person, sitting next to that guy who is hanging up on everyone, and he gets the bonus instead of you? Ya, its time to move on. And what is perpetuating this? Favoritism by middle management. I have to qualify this, by saying that some middle management try, but as soon as the rest of them realize that that one good manager is fucking up the curve? They squash him.

SCENARIO:

Manager has 10 agents. Five of them are doing their job as set out by the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™. Customers are happy and the client can't say enough good things about the project.

The other five agents (the managers favored ones) do dick all, they hang up on customers, they barely take notes (because they are chatting on messenger or surfing the net) and, more often than not, transfer to the wrong techs for the issue the customer is having. At which time the customer gets transfered back and gets one of the good agents who fixes the case (screwing their handle time) and recovers the customer.

Somehow, the five assholes always seem to get the shift they want and their 'stats' are perfect and their absences are 'forgiven' so they always get the bonuses.

Now, all these agents sit together. The good ones know what the bad ones are doing. They see that they are getting better shifts and never miss getting the bonuses.

So, now the good agents are sitting there thinking, "Why the fuck am I busting my butt to satisfy the customer? Or dragging my ass in here when I am sick?" When they realize they don't have a good answer, they stop.

Now you have 10 agents that aren't doing their job. How long do you think the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ will put up with that?

Not much longer. Mark my words. This is by no means the only thing wrong with working there but ask anyone in there what their biggest gripe is and it can all be attributed to favoritism.

When upper management finally realizes it, it will be much too late. Perhaps if they knew that middle management has already begun sending out their resumes, they might get a heads up. I doubt it, they would have to take their heads out of their asses first.

Not an easy job for a Big Giant Head.

Just a matter of time.

Half a second after I hit SEND on the resignation letter, the Big Giant Head sends for me. "He wants to see you."

"Wow, that was fast. Has he read the email?"

"Don't think so , he has been standing over there the whole time." He indicates the rows of empty cubes.

As I approach him, my sister intercepts. She is carrying something. "Here's a pen for your new desk!"

"Hello? I haven't even told him yet."

The Big Giant Head raises and eyebrow, "Why am I always the last to know?"

"I don't know, read your email."

He tries to recover, "I actually knew this yesterday."

"Really? Cuz I only found out this morning."

"Maybe it was earlier today." He has his finger on the pulse.

Then he goes into his schpeil:

BGH: He spreads his arms wide, "How could you give all this up?"
ME: "You're kidding me, right?"

BGH: "But you are giving up all this tenure with ..."
ME: "Tenure isn't doing me any good." It really is the least beneficial in the grand scheme of things. Except that I know where all the bodies are buried.

BGH: "But its a smaller company..."
ME: "It's a Maritime company. It has been around since Jesus was a carpenter and it will be around long after I am gone."

BGH: "But you will be taking a pay cut."
ME: "Forty cents. And the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ awards raises by skillset. They train me for something new, I get a raise. If they did that here, I would be making more money than you."

BGH: "But..."
ME: "Look, I have been trained and worked in every department in this joint. The way it stands here now, there are people who are trained for one job (customer service) who are, and will always be, making more money than me. The only thing I have not done is the ISP support, and if I am going to do that, I might as well be doing it in my bunny slippers."

BGH: "I see, well if you decide you can't stay for the full two weeks, let me know and there will be no negative repercussions."
ME: "Aside from the fact The Boy would starve? Thanks anyway, I will be here."

Racial Profiling?

Got to work yesterday and there was, of course, no seats. When this happens they put us all in a room so we are not milling about. Meaning they are paying us for doing nothing. We love that shit. We sign a sheet and as the seats become available they call us out. First in first out.

I am sitting in the room with about 15 Bengali's and two white dudes. After about 15 minutes a manager comes in and says she is going to send a senior tech in to do some up-training. (Translation: something to keep us busy)

Five minutes after that the Big Giant Head walks in, looks at the sheet and then looks around. He spots White Guy #1, points at him and says, "I got a seat for you." WG#1 has a quizzical look, he is pretty sure he is not first on the list, but he goes.

Another five minutes goes by and the Big Giant Head comes back in. Again he looks at the sheet and then scans the room. "White Guy #2? You're up." I start to chuckle.

Now I am the only chick in a room full of Bengali's. One of them leans over and whispers, "He reads sheet from bottom?" Cuz this guy knows he was first to sign the sheet.

"No Dude, he just can't pronounce any of your names."

Couldn't pay me to stay...so they pay me to leave?

We are heading into the slow season at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™. Not for the whole center but for my project in particular, summer is very slow. Early releases are rampant. Meaning, its slow so you can take the day off. Which is fine if you can use some vacation time that you have built up or barring that you can afford to take an unpaid day off. I can do neither.

I have no vacation time left accrued and I can't afford to take unpaid time off. I just can't. This is my rent check week. With this in mind, I head to work with absolutely no intention of leaving until my scheduled shift is over. Period.

The best laid plans:

5:00 - Sign into the phone. Sit and wait.
5:22 - Floor coordinator comes down the row with a clip board. "You wanna go home?" I think he is kidding. He is not. "Dude, I can't go home, I have only been here 22 minutes."
5:40 - A manager (not mine)comes up to me. "You wanna go home?" They are killing me, "No! I can't afford it, get away from me!"
6:00 - Take my first break.
6:15 - Back from break, my own manager is at my desk. "Want to extend your break? Til tomorrow at five?" Seems that no one will take an early release today. "NO! I can't afford it so stop asking."
6:25 - The Big Giant Head is walking around giving out suckers. He offers me one. "What do I have to do for it?" I was kidding. He says, "Nothing, you just have to go home." I decline the sucker, "What is it with you people?"
6:40 - Still no call. Another manager approaches me. "Before you even start, the answer is no!" He looks puzzled, "You don't want to go home?" I just shake my head, "I can't afford to go home." "But you can take paid time off?" "No, I don't have any vacation time accrued." "Wait for a moment." and he walks away.
6:50 - Manager returns, "Your approved." Wait just a minute, "You are going to pay me to go home?" "Yes." "You told him I have no vacation time accrued?" "Yes, he approved your pay." I am not falling for it. "Show me the paperwork, and I am outta here."
7:00 - I drank the koolaid.

They call me MOOS
Title will make no sense to anyone outside the company or under 30.

Looks like I have been spared the humiliation of failing at connecting people to the internet on a daily basis. I found out today that I will be working on the one remaining tech project in the center. This means 3 weeks of training starting next Monday.

BIG GIANT HEAD: "Evel, this means you will have been trained for every project in this joint except Broad Band."

ME: "Betcha I could take that call too. I am working on making myself indispensable. You will never get rid of me."

MANAGER: "Congratulations on beating out quite a few other people for the position, there is still quite a list that didn't make it."

ME: "Don't be too impressed. I just know where all the bodies are buried."

I really didn't think I was going to be selected for the project. The Big Giant Head was suspicious of me. After all, I did just happen to have my resume ready the same day they announced we would be working for the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™. I do have my sources, and I was totally prepared for it. I gave my resume to my manager, about an hour before the meetings started. I did not figure he would be so prompt in doing my bidding that he would immediately walk it down to the Big Giant Heads office.

BIG GIANT HEAD:He looks at me sideways."Are you trying to tell me you just happen to carry around an updated resume in your pocket?"

ME: Angelic look on my face. "I swear to you, it is absolutely coincidental."

BIG GIANT HEAD: "Bullshit." He was not convinced.

He probably thinks I bugged his office.

And sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar.

I don't know if anybody remembers my failed attempts at trying to secure a management position at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ on the customer service side of the building. I never thought it would be so tough. I had management experience, I had been self employed for 7 years.

I was killing trees left and right. I would submit a resume, they would reject it for some idiotic reason (like I said I managed employees but didn't say that I came into direct contact with actual humans) I guess you can't assume anything, not even the possible intelligence of upper management.

So, I would revise that resume and get an interview. Then they would give me an equally retarded reason why the pizza guy got the job instead of me. Don't even get me started on the behavioral interview process.

I finally just gave up and opted to go into tech support instead. Then they come up with this new plan to fuck with me. They are starting a program to train people ahead of time for management positions so they will have a pool of trained managers when they need them. Instead of scrambling to fill a position when someone gets fed up and jumps ship.

Anyway I come into work last night and the Big Giant Head is sitting at a table with all the information in little packets, passing them out to people and suggesting they "Check out the great new opportunity!" Beside these packets is a large jar containing lollipops.

He passes me a packet, and a lollipop. I look at him, "Are ya kiddin' me?"

"What? Aren't you interested, Evel?" He has a baffled look on his face.

I look at the paper, "Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Huh?" He has no idea what he has done.

"You just passed me a sucker." We stare at each other.

And then the light bulb goes off. "For heaven's sake Evel, sometimes a sucker is just a sucker!"Is it? Is it really?

Doesn't anyone put any thought into anything anymore?

Desperate Times.

Trying to get a handle on people I work with accessing my blog from work. I tell them to only access it from home, that the Big Giant Heads can see everything they do at work. But no matter what you tell them, some idiots will still do it. (And if you email me all insulted that I called you an idiot, then you just proved it to me.)

A while ago I was shocked to see (in my stats) the name of the Home Planet as an ISP. At that point I started to remind people from work not to visit the blog from work. Somehow the Big Giant heads were accessing the site. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I don't mention them by name or discuss company secrets. And unless you sat beside me, you probably don't know the company I work for. Although you may think that you do.

It wasn't that the Home Planet was watching that was disturbing. It was the way they arrived at the site. They didn't just go directly, or stumble on it. They did a search for the word nnothrthng, specifically. That means someone who was not that familiar with the blog, but new enough info, gave it to them. I have a couple of suspects.

Petty people who would like nothing better than to get me in some sort of trouble. Most likely the little dick head that was cheating on his wife. "Dude, she flat out asked me if you were taking a piece at work and I told her the truth."

Anyway, that was months ago and it appears his little plan did not work. But since then I have been trying to be proactive and it has been fine but someone is still accessing the site from work.

So, I will be blocking IP addresses from my neck of the woods. And those from the Home Planet of the Big Giant Heads.

So, if you are a Canadian, you may get cut off. If your a Yank from the Home Planet state you may also get cut off. No worries if you are from any other country, you should be fine. But if you are worried, just email me your IP and I will unblock it.

If you try and access the site from home and get an error page, just email me your IP address and I will unblock your IP.

These restrictions will take effect at the end of the week and will be lifted as soon as I can narrow down the series of IP addresses that are associated with my work place.

Sorry if this is a pain in the ass, but I don't know any other way to do this. If you do, drop me a line.

And another thing...

For those of you who don't know your IP address just head over to IP CHICKEN and read it off the screen.

It's not what you know, but who you blow.

I tried to corner the Big Giant Head this week, but he eluded me. So I figured, I will give him the benefit of the doubt, wait for the internal memo congratulating the new TM. Usually it will list the persons credentials and welcome him.

As I read the memo I could not believe it. They come right out and say, 'most recently from the XP training class'. They tactfully leave out the fact that it is a new hire training class.

Ok, but he was with the company before, he must have some tenure with another site? Nope. Literally 2 weeks off the street. And we are told we can't even apply for a different project until we are past the 90 day probationary period. Apparently this does not apply here.

So I guess we aren't even pretending that the process is fair anymore.

Here is something to ponder. Most of the MO's in the building are under 5 feet tall. There is like one that I know of that is normal to tall. The new TM is slightly over 4 feet tall. Coincidence?

I wonder if they sang the song for him when he was hired?

... the more they stay the same.

I had heard a vicious rumor last week that someone in our 'training' class applied for, and got, a team manager position. They did not have a name, just a description. Short, older, geeky looking. Describes most of upper management. I knew who they were talking about, but I was sure it was just a rumor.

Considering that everyone in the class except for me was straight off the street I was sure it was just a rumor so I did not go straight to the MO's and express my displeasure. After all, didn't we all hear the Manager of Operations (during his little speech in class) tell us that they always promote from within? I am pretty sure that tenure is a factor in the process, and this boy had two weeks. I was sure I did not need to 'have a talk' with anyone.

Fast forward to today. Kelly informs me she is sitting behind the new TM, staring at his little bald spot.

Well, for once I give management the benefit of the doubt and I am sorely disappointed.

I guess I will just have to request a 'smoke break' with the Big Giant Head to express my displeasure. I know how much he loves that.

Please release me, let me go.

If you remember, a while back I had a meeting with my MO regarding my happiness within the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™™. In that meeting, among other things, I suggested that I might be happier in another project. Namely tech support.

A couple of the techs that were yanked into our project have been lamenting for almost a year about how great it was 'over there'. How much better the management treated them 'over there' so much so that I was forever telling them to build a bridge and get the fuck over it. They made it sound like a whole other world. Thanks, I really need to hear that my misery is that much more profound because bliss exists under the same roof.

Fast forward to last week. The big giant heads send out an email. They are going to finally release some people from our tech router project to go back to tech support where they were blissfully happy. They are going to finally hire more tech routers so this can be accomplished.

Great. Maybe this means I can also get released as well? I have to try, what is the worst that could happen? Ya right. I get a polite email that says they are only releasing to tech support those who were already there before. Hopes dashed.

Then I get an email from the MO. "Come and see me."

What the hell did I do now? I don't remember telling any manager to bite me lately. Or did I? I am wracking my brain the whole way to her cube. I was teasing my TM about sounding like a 976 operator on the phone the other night. He wouldn't, would he? The weasel!

Turns out it was my lucky day. She said she couldn't tell me in the email the other day before she ran it by the big giant head of tech support but she is replacing me in this round and sending me back to Pro support. She said that training for tech didn't start till the end of July and if she waited till then, she wouldn't be able to release me.

Since Pro is a bigger project, (meaning more agents) I can more easily be replaced, so releasing me will not be an issue.

Holy crap, and it isn't even my birthday. So, she wraps up the meeting with, "So, does this make you happy?"

Happy as a pig in shit.

I swear, I didn't do it!

While surfing some business related blogs who talk about customer service, I was reminded of a particular problem we have at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™™.

We offer free virus support. No matter what AV software you are running, no matter where you got your computer or how you obtained your software.

Some people phone us the second they think they might have a virus. Some after their AV software tells them they have one, and that it can't remove it. They rarely think of calling the company whom they pay for virus protection software. It never crosses their mind.

"Ya, 'MARTIN' says it found a virus and it can't delete it."

"Have you thought about calling MARTIN?"

"They want $39.99 per minute to work on it."

"They want you to pay them to remove the virus that you paid them to keep off your computer?"

"Sounds worse when you say it out loud."

"Well, the first thing I would suggest is that you stop paying them. I will set you up with a case and get you to support who will help you get rid of this and recommend a few security programs that are free for download off the internet"

"Free for download? How good are they?"

"Well at least if they let a virus through, you didn't pay them for the privilege."

Some people at this point 'get' that we are just trying to help. Others come away with the mistaken impression that we are fixing something we are responsible for in the first place. Since they got the virus on the internet and we 'are' the internet.

The Big Giant Head may have had a hand in making the internet available to the masses, but that still doesn't make 'us' the internet.

Most people do not understand that we are a software company, we don't make hardware. They don't understand the difference. When they start their computer it says 'Undisclosed Computer Software Company™™' so we must be the makers of their computer. Ergo, anything that goes wrong with it, including smoke from the monitor, is our problem. SO FIX IT!

By providing a service that fixes the screw up of another company, I am not sure we are doing such a great service to ourselves. Most customers think it is our fault to begin with and are less than greatful.

I guess that is why, after all these years, the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™™ is getting into the AntiVirus business. If we are going to fix it, we might as well be the ones who actually broke it.

Weird Office Guy

Every office has one and the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ is no different.

I wish I had a picture of this guy, but I will try to describe him as best I can.

He is tall, overweight, receding hairline with curly hair. He has coke bottle glasses and wears golf shirts with track pants and a belt. I know this because the belt is clearly 8 feet long because (since there are no loops in track pants) the tail of it hangs down between his legs like a dick. As I mentioned he is overweight and walks like he is pregnant, only somehow he does this on his tip toes. Getting the picture yet?

Here comes the gross part. Like every lame-ass company the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ has employee of the month celebrations (you guessed it) every month. With cake! Me and the rest of the smokers sit outside and watch this spectacle through the glass doors that separate the clean from the unclean.

On one such occasion I witnessed WOG, oblivious of what was going on around him walk past the Big Giant Head, who was expounding the virtues of our recent nominees and parked himself in front of the two enormous cakes that sat waiting to be enjoyed by the masses.

He stood there, stomach out, leather dick swinging in the breeze, seeming to contemplate the confection. Then he did something that made my blood run cold.

Oblivious to the ceremony going on around him, he reached out and ran two chubby little fingers the full length of the first cake, leaving a noticeable tack of bare cake, raised his fingers triumphantly he jammed the icing into is fat little pie hole.

JESUS H CHRIST!

What the hell is this social retard doing? Why isn't the Big Giant Head seeing this? I waited for him to make a fast get away. After all he had just grossed out most of the people in the room, or would once they realized what he had done. He will have to get out fast before he is detected by someone other than me, who can do nothing from behind the glass. I wait for him to bolt but he doesn't. Instead, he sucks his fingers clean and heads for the second cake.

As I try and keep my breakfast down he repeats his assault on the second cake, and nonchalantly waddles away. But he doesn't leave. He sits back and waits for the idiots to cut the cake and then walks away with three pieces.

The moral of this story is: Never eat from the community cake. You really don't know where that cake has been or what indignities have befallen it.

I go green as I realize how many times I have jammed that cake into my own pie hole. And I don't even want to think about what he does on natcho day.

Butterfly Effect.

The Undisclosed Customer Service Center™™ is being swamped with calls. The Big Giant Head has sent a memo. The primary site is experiencing 'civil unrest'. (the BGH often sends out cryptic messages, not realizing that we are perfectly capable of finding out what the hell he is talking about)

Good Lord! Concerned faces everywhere, whatever could it be?

"Using loudspeakers, they appealed to people to maintain peace and shut down commercial and other establishments."

"The city police were forced to make elaborate arrangements to maintain law and order ..."

For a second there I thought it might be something stupid, like, earthquakes, tsunami or, I don't know, war.

I get it. You loved him. But do you have to shut down the entire city?

And they continue to poke the bear. WTF?

Ok, I get that you are pissed off about being a garbage man but don't fling my garbage cans in the middle of my driveway and screech your tires as you drive away. I was not the one who fucked around through high school and now has to clean up after everyone else.

Not sure if I mentioned this before. (just checked, and no I didn't)Big drama surrounding the new training.

There was this one chick in our training class, we will call her PowerWhore or PW for short. First a visual. Long hair to her ass. Caked on makeup, hooker boots and a mini skirt.

PW was the cheerleader of the group. Every time someone said anything negative, she flew up the trainers ass and massaged. "You are such a smart man!" "What can we do to make you feel good about us?" She went so far as to sing to the Extremely Huge Head from the home planet. A song she had learned in 'his' native tongue, Lebanese. Immediately following the song, she asked for a private moment in one of our conference rooms. You can fill in the blanks, use your imagination.

Fast forward to end of training. She is asked to be a SME (Subject Matter Expert). Forget the fact that she has no idea about the subject matter. Then when the second wave of training begins, she announces that "They" (whoever they are) have asked her to come in and 'monitor' the training. Gee, wonder how she got that gig?

Then the rumors begin. She will be 'given' the Associate Trainer position. Needless to say I fire off an email to the Big Giant Head. He says, "No one will be 'given' anything. The position will be posted and qualified person given the job" We'll see.

Next day, job is posted by HR. Start date 19th (but posted on the 22nd) and end date 23rd.

OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T! I go find my TM.

"You need to go talk to the Big Giant Head, or I will." She really doesn't want that, and neither does the Big Giant Head.

Needless to say they are extending it for a couple of days.

Moral of the story: If you want to get ahead in this world, make damn sure you can sing in a foreign language. Or at the very least look decent in a pair of hooker boots.

Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!

The Big Giant Heads from the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ flew in yesterday to begin training.

A little background. I work for the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ who's only client (until very reciently) in this center was the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™.

A couple months ago the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ courted a new client, lets call them Undisclosed H Em Oh™. They figured it would take this new client a while to make up their minds and by then they would have a new location ready for them.

Not so, they were quick to sign on the dotted line. And now they want to begin training and the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ had no place to put them. So, while waiting for a new location they put a wall down the center of our production floor. Gave them 150 cubes and they started training. They are also using all of our training rooms.

Coincidently, around this same time, the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ is also courting the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ to bring in a new project. Much training, new shifts, the whole nine yards.

They didn't figure on getting the go ahead on both projects at once.

So the Big Giant Head's from the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ show up here on Monday and this is what they see.

-The great wall of china.
-Training rooms occupied.
-Strange people milling about.
-Security barring them from half of the center.
-Techs (their techs) standing around for an hour waiting for seats so they can begin working.
-One hastely constructed training room smack dab in the center of the production floor that they are informed is 'special, just for them'.

So, one of our classes begin. Trainer is distracted by production floor noise and the added noise coming from behind the great wall. He is pissed. He sends the class for a break and does not come back.

Next thing you know, the Big Giant Heads inform everyone that training is postponed till Friday and they leave. This is not good.

I suspect that they went back to their hotel and immediatly contacted the Extremely Huge Head and he is on his way from the home planet.

Heads are going to roll. I just hope that it is not mine.

Scheduling brilliance!

Last night I get to work (at 3pm) only to find that by 7:30pm I would be one of only two agents working. WTF?

Who's brilliant idea was that? And I was off at 11pm so the other poor soul (Kay) would be there all by herself till 1am.

Needless to say, I stayed till one. You got to wonder who, in upper management, lied on their resume. Organizational skills, my ass!

The TM on duty called the Big Giant Head to see if he could ask some agents to stay for OT, but she conveniently didn't call back until all the others had left. 'I could stay if I wanted to', she says. 'Yes, she knew it would only be us two', she says, but she thought I was on till one. WHAT? She thought two agents were plenty to take care of all business calls in North America? I was NOT impressed.

I ended up taking 106 calls and Kay took almost 80. If you called in last night, I apologize, but I was just rounding them up and shipping them out. No extra chatting, no going above and beyond. Everyone got the bum's rush.

And another thing...

It had to be that way, cuz we were working the professional line, and of those 106 calls I took last night, maybe 20 were professionals. All the others were calling after hours for personal support. And they weren't getting the whole "we're closed" thing. Some people can be so thick sometimes.

ME: "Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�? my name is blah blah blah..."
CUSTOMER: "Ya, I can't get this program to work." It's Me.dia Pl.ay.er. Groan!
ME: "Consumer support is closed for the evening, if you would like to call back in the morning, someone should be able to help you."
CUSTOMER: "So here's the thing..." He starts babbling about his issue.
ME: "Sir, I am not a technician..."
CUSTOMER: "Ok, I need a technician."
ME: "As I said that department is closed, if you would like to call back in the morning..."
CUSTOMER: "No I need to talk to one tonight, I will pay..."
ME: "I am sorry, but I can't charge you, there is no one here that can help, they all went home."
CUSTOMER: "So you won't help me? I paid a lot of money for this software and you are telling me that you will not support it?"
ME: "No, that is not what I said, I told you that that department is closed, everyone in that department clocked out 4 hours ago and went home."
CUSTOMER: "But your there, why are you answering the phone if you can't help customers?"
ME: "You have reached the professional group, we handle tech support for professional products."
CUSTOMER: "So you lied, there are techs on duty, you just won't send me to one."
ME: "Yes there are techs here, they are trained in professional products, if you had a professional product I could get you through to a technician. It would require the use of a support account or a credit card charge. The charge for professional support is two hundred and forty five dollars." That shut him up.
CUSTOMER: "That is so unfair!"
ME: "What is so unfair, if your tech support cost $245, you would have 24 hour service. But yours is free, so you have to call back during support hours. It's simple."
CUSTOMER:"Ok, well let me ask you this...."

Ok, this has gone on long enough, I am in Q and I don't have time for you...< - CLICK - >

And how was your night?

Save your breath.

The mood at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� has changed. So has my attitude with customers. I have heard myself saying these things and so far no one has called me on it. Sometimes I don't think they are even listening. I think our days are numbered.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

Customer: "Thank God you speak English!"
Me: "Don't get used to it."

Customer: "Please don't send me to India."
Me: "Then stop stealing software and the big giant head will stop trying to save a buck."

Customer: "I can't understand a word they say."
Me: "Give it time, you will have lots and lots of practice."

Customer: "Thank God I finally reached an American."
Me: "Sorry Sir, I am Canadian."
Customer: "Same thing." And they wonder why the big giant head does not give a shit if they complain about India, since they can't locate it on the map there is no fear of retribution.

Customer: "Three hours wait time? That's ridiculous."
Me: "Yes, but we do have really great hold music."
Customer: "Really?"
Me: "No, sorry, couldn't do it to you. But it is inspirational."
Customer: "Inspirational?"
Me: "Ya, more than one person has called back in and said, 'I was on hold for an hour and fixed it myself.'"

Customer: "I don't want to pay for support!"
Me: "Ok, thanks for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, have a nice day" --CLICK--

I think I am just tired of sugar coating it for these crayons. Tired of regurgitating the company line...the "Undisclosed Computer Software Company� is a global company and I am unable to determine where your tech support might be located." Yes I can, its in India.

What I really want to tell them is.

The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� has no intention of taking your opinions into consideration. Yes, I realize that you can't understand a word the tech is saying and he is not listening to you either. He is reading from a script and if you interrupt him he just has to start over. If you had any brains at all you would go to the self help website and read the script yourself. Save yourself some aggravation.

No, they will not give a shit if you complain. They will just say you are racist and get rid of all the 'English as a first language' agents so you are less inclined to complain about it.

Bottom line is, they pay agents in India 13,000 rupee a month (that's about 300 bucks American) to give you free tech support. They don't really need you to be satisfied, since there is not a serious contender out there as an alternative to the software they produce.

Yes, I have heard a lot of you say, "I think I will just throw out this PC and get a M.ac." Give 'er. Oh, and good luck finding software that is not produced by the Undisclosed Computer Software Company. Ya, and Lin.ux? Please! You can't manage to figure out what right click means, you are not switching to Lin.ux. I know that and the big giant head knows that, he is not worrying about the kids college fund.

Last year, our center was rated number one for customer satisfaction. The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� couldn't say enough good things about us. We were the best thing since sliced bread. They even sent us to India to train their agents there.

So, what does the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� do? Why, they change our metrix requirements, make it impossible to give good customer service. They say, "You did such a great job with 6 minute calls, now let's see you do it in 4." Oh, let's not forget they added 15 extra things that must be done within that 4 minute call. All of which, if not done are punishable. "Oh and we are going to screw with your schedules, less hours, maybe change your schedules weekly so you never know when you are working so you will have to be off work if you can't get a babysitter. By the way if you don't show up we will punish you. And we have also come up with a few hundred other menial things that we can punish you for, like eating candy at your desk." When I first joined the company, I was promised the FISH! Philosophy. And now? You will not find one fish on the production floor.

"But keep a smile on your face, go that extra mile for the customer, let them know you care. One more thing, we realize that you have been constantly cleaning up the messes that the agents in India have created, good job. As a reward, we are going to hire more Indian agents and cut your numbers in half. We really can't understand why moralle is so low. After all we let you spin our customer satisfaction wheel for your chance to win a ball point pen. Yes we are a fortune 500 company, what's your point?"

It's almost like they are trying to sabotage the center so they can move all the customer service to India. Which makes good business sense, I guess. Since they have no real concerns about losing customers.

Guess that's how the big giant head got so big.