Monday, June 27, 2005

The Emancipation Emasculation Proclamation.

Ever since my psycho adorable cat, Milo, got fixed, (Like he had a choice in the matter.) he has decided that hygiene can take a back seat. He used to be sleek and shiny, now he looks like, well, something the cat dragged in.

Right after the surgery he went to lick his balls and lost his mind. WTF? He walked around growling and meowing loudly at me as if to say, "What the fuck have I ever done to you?"

"You would have started to spray the house."

"What happened to innocent until proven guilty?"

"Dude, it's in your nature. All male cats do it."

"I refuse to be painted with your stereotypical brush. I can't believe I didn't even get a hearing. Jesus! Michael Jackson got a hearing!"

"And look how well that turned out."

After realizing the hopelessness of the situation he just said, "Fuck it, I have no one to impress anymore. And if I can't lick my balls, I ain't lickin' shit!"

"No one to impress? What about me?"

"Bitch, you cut my balls off! Your on your own!"

It may have lost something in the translation.

Saturday, June 25, 2005


Hoobastank's "The Reason" and Simple Plan's "How Could This Happen To Me?"

Same song?

Friday, June 24, 2005

Hit me baby!

In keeping with the 'old chick' theme of late. I was watching Hit Me Baby, One More Time.

No, not the Brittany Spears song, the TV show. One hit wonders singing their one hits as well as a recent hit from a recent artist. They compete for online votes. Not exactly sure yet what they win, besides the obvious exposure. Caught it in the middle, so I missed a few of the performances. That may have been a blessing.

You should check it out. You will say, at least once... "Hey, I thought he/she was dead. Cool."

-Glass tiger - Don't Forget Me. Sadly, I knew all the words. Recent song -(Everything you want - Vertical Horizons) It's always hard to hear someone else sing a song you know. But they did well with it.

-Billy Vera - At This Moment. The man still has it. Smooth. Recent song - (True - didn't catch the artist and didn't recognize the song.) He crashed and burned, especially in Spanish. I thought Vera was a Spanish name but I guess not.

-Club Nouveau - Lean On Me.. Remember the song, not the artists. Missed the cover song, but caught the recent hit. Not sure what it was, sounded like a car commercial jingle done badly.

-Thelma Houston - Don't Leave Me This Way. Have to say this woman has aged gracefully, as most African American women do. She was great. The recent hit she did (Falling -Alicia Keys) sounded like it was written for her.

-Greg Kihn - The breakup song.Sorry I missed that one, but caught the recent hit they sang (Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day). It was kind of sad.

And the winner is.....? Thelma Houston!

And I guess she wins a $20,000 donation to her favorite charity.

Overall a pretty good show for those of us from the 'vintage' era.

Thursday, June 23, 2005


For those of you losing sleep over the impending apocalypse, rest easy.

The boys father is now 4 days late with the child support and is avoiding my calls.

Buy all the green bananas you like.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Age hits ya like a slap in the face!

Its all over for me. I might as well pack it in. I am definitely ready for the bone yard.

Got off early tonight and thought I would sit back with a coffee and a cigarette and watch the Much Music Video awards. Hey, I'm as hip as the next guy!

Up walks Ashley (Fetus) Simpson. Cute as a button and in true red carpet tradition she was asked 'who' she was wearing.

She called it vintage. From 1983.

Ya, thanks for playing.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Times they are a changing.

There may be another opportunity for change at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. Seems they are thinking of having a shitf of technical routers in the center. Not tech support but more than customer service, somewhere in the middle. And I want it so bad I can taste it.

The shift would be Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays 11pm to 12 noon AST. That's it, three days on, four days off. This shift has two things goig for it, the fact that there is 4 days off and that it would be back shift.

Meaning, it would be dead. At 11pm AST it is 7pm PST, 8pm MST, 9pm CST and 10pm EST. That means even in California people are saying, "Fuck this I ain't doing this much overtime." and going the fuck home. Only the real loser techs would be calling me. Those who couldn't talk their way out of it. So, it would be like the old days in pro, where we took 5 calls all night, and sat around playing cards. I want it.

Did I mention I wanted it?

And another thing...

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

"Hi this is Aboo-daboo from activation. This man has oem software and a volume license key."

"Ok, did you tell him that would not work?"

"No, can I bring in the customer?"
What? You don't want to tell him so I have to? WTF?

"Whatever, just bring him in." I don't feel like arguing with you since I can bearly tell what the fuck you are saying.

ME:"Hey Brian, how you doing?"
CUSTOMER:"Fine and yourself?"
ME: "Not bad, Aboo-daboo said you were having problems with activation?"
CUSTOMER: "I think so, but I couldn't understand her, not sure what she was telling me."
ME: "OK, let me clear it up. You have OEM media and you are trying to install it using a volume license key."
ME: "These are your options. Get an OEM key from your vendor, or volume media to use with your volume keys."
CUSTOMER: "Why is that?"
ME: "Well, right now it is like you are trying to start your car......with your cat."
CUSTOMER: he is laughing hysterically."That made more sense than what she said."
ME: ME: "It's a gift. Thanks for calling, have a nice day."

I love my job.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Go peddle your crazy somewhere else.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

CUSTOMER: It doesn't say po.cket pc on it, but it is a poc.ket pc.
ME: Just because it fits in your pocket does not make it a poc.ket pc.

XP TECH: My name is Kumar from xp support...
ME: (deadpan)Congratulations.
XP TECH: (I have stumped him, he pauses) Yes. This person got through without a case number.
ME: Not suprised, half the center is without tools.(we have procedures for that, you send them through and tell them the tech will create the case, its not brain surgery)
XP TECH: Can you create a case for me?
ME: Nope, not your secretary. --CLICK--

Woman locked out of her computer, forgot her password.
ME: We don't break, bypass or work around passwords, we can only help you format and reinstall.
CUSTOMER: But I will lose all my data.
ME: Yes, that is the purpose of the password, to protect the data.
CUSTOMER: But it is my data.
ME: We have no way to verify over the phone that it is you, sitting in front of your computer.
CUSTOMER: I can get my son on the phone.
ME: Sorry.
CUSTOMER: This sucks, you suck. (nice)
ME: Look at it this way, if someone were to steal your computer and we helped them break the password. They get all your info, steal your identity, apply for credit cards, ruin your credit. Who are you going to sue? Him or us?
CUSTOMER: I would never sue anyone!
Your American aren't you? Does it look like I just fell off a turnip truck?

After giving customer the option for paid support.
CUSTOMER: Ok, but can the tech fix this.
ME: If he can't he will refund the money.
CUSTOMER: But you can't tell me if he can fix it.
ME: I am not a tech, but if he can't he will refund the money.
CUSTOMER: I can't believe they don't have techs answering the phones.
ME: We all have our jobs.
CUSTOMER: And you know nothing about the software?
ME: If I did, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
CUSTOMER: Jesus, even the cashier at the grocery store knows about the milk.
ME: Ya, but she has no idea about the cow.

After informing customer they were running pirated software and there was no support for him. I was in a mood.
CUSTOMER: I am not getting a warm, fuzzy feeling about the Undisclosed Computer Software Company�
ME: I am pretty sure they are not too crazy about you either.
CUSTOMER: I think I will just junk this pc and buy a
ME: Fill your boots. --CLICK--

That is like saying, I am not buying cars anymore, I am going to buy ice cream instead. You still have to drive to the ice cream parlor. We are a software comany, we don't give a shit what hardware you buy, you will still need the software. And by the way, our software company actually has a stake in that hardware company, so you would be doing us a favor. We might actually get a couple bucks out of you for a change. Crayon.

And another thing...

Just have to tell you about Jennifer.

It's a quiet Saturday night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, the CSR next to me is trying to explain to the customer that we are closed and all the XP techs have gone home. Yes, she says, we are still here, we are professional agents and we deal with servers, that sort of thing, but XP is closed.

You can hear this woman screaming. I tell the CSR, "Just hang up." So she does.

Now we have really done it. This is the sort of person who will call back, over and over. They think that if they rant and rave that somehow we can turn back the hands of time and the techs would actually be there.

From a couple of rows down I hear, "Kay's got a screamer." On the weekends it gets boring and these types of people break up the menotony. I think, cool, hope I get her next. And I do.

ME: "Excuse me?" Faking innocence.
ME: I am sorry, I don't know who Kay is. May I help you.
ME: I can certainly get you a supervisor, but since I have no idea who Kay is I don't know who her supervisor might be.
ME: Sure, I will need your name and phone number.
CUSTOMER: I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY NAME, I HAVE A CASE AND I HAVE BEEN DENIED SERVICE! (I can't understand why, you are such a sweet and reasonable person)
ME: May I have your case number?(She uses her best snotty voice and I bring up the info.)
ME: Is this Jennifer?
ME: I need to verify that this is the right case, is this Jennifer?
(This is where she loses her mind. She starts screaming so loud that she is going horse.)
(evil grin)
ME: You are going to have to calm down and keep this professional ... (pause for effect) Jennifer.
(I can imagine that her head is spinning around and she is barfing pea soup.)
ME: (Slowly...) "Jennifer?"
More screaming, but it's getting boring, so I hang up.

Makes you wonder about natural selection, don't it?

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Save your breath.

The mood at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� has changed. So has my attitude with customers. I have heard myself saying these things and so far no one has called me on it. Sometimes I don't think they are even listening. I think our days are numbered.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

Customer: "Thank God you speak English!"
Me: "Don't get used to it."

Customer: "Please don't send me to India."
Me: "Then stop stealing software and the big giant head will stop trying to save a buck."

Customer: "I can't understand a word they say."
Me: "Give it time, you will have lots and lots of practice."

Customer: "Thank God I finally reached an American."
Me: "Sorry Sir, I am Canadian."
Customer: "Same thing." And they wonder why the big giant head does not give a shit if they complain about India, since they can't locate it on the map there is no fear of retribution.

Customer: "Three hours wait time? That's ridiculous."
Me: "Yes, but we do have really great hold music."
Customer: "Really?"
Me: "No, sorry, couldn't do it to you. But it is inspirational."
Customer: "Inspirational?"
Me: "Ya, more than one person has called back in and said, 'I was on hold for an hour and fixed it myself.'"

Customer: "I don't want to pay for support!"
Me: "Ok, thanks for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, have a nice day" --CLICK--

I think I am just tired of sugar coating it for these crayons. Tired of regurgitating the company line...the "Undisclosed Computer Software Company� is a global company and I am unable to determine where your tech support might be located." Yes I can, its in India.

What I really want to tell them is.

The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� has no intention of taking your opinions into consideration. Yes, I realize that you can't understand a word the tech is saying and he is not listening to you either. He is reading from a script and if you interrupt him he just has to start over. If you had any brains at all you would go to the self help website and read the script yourself. Save yourself some aggravation.

No, they will not give a shit if you complain. They will just say you are racist and get rid of all the 'English as a first language' agents so you are less inclined to complain about it.

Bottom line is, they pay agents in India 13,000 rupee a month (that's about 300 bucks American) to give you free tech support. They don't really need you to be satisfied, since there is not a serious contender out there as an alternative to the software they produce.

Yes, I have heard a lot of you say, "I think I will just throw out this PC and get a" Give 'er. Oh, and good luck finding software that is not produced by the Undisclosed Computer Software Company. Ya, and Lin.ux? Please! You can't manage to figure out what right click means, you are not switching to Lin.ux. I know that and the big giant head knows that, he is not worrying about the kids college fund.

Last year, our center was rated number one for customer satisfaction. The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� couldn't say enough good things about us. We were the best thing since sliced bread. They even sent us to India to train their agents there.

So, what does the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� do? Why, they change our metrix requirements, make it impossible to give good customer service. They say, "You did such a great job with 6 minute calls, now let's see you do it in 4." Oh, let's not forget they added 15 extra things that must be done within that 4 minute call. All of which, if not done are punishable. "Oh and we are going to screw with your schedules, less hours, maybe change your schedules weekly so you never know when you are working so you will have to be off work if you can't get a babysitter. By the way if you don't show up we will punish you. And we have also come up with a few hundred other menial things that we can punish you for, like eating candy at your desk." When I first joined the company, I was promised the FISH! Philosophy. And now? You will not find one fish on the production floor.

"But keep a smile on your face, go that extra mile for the customer, let them know you care. One more thing, we realize that you have been constantly cleaning up the messes that the agents in India have created, good job. As a reward, we are going to hire more Indian agents and cut your numbers in half. We really can't understand why moralle is so low. After all we let you spin our customer satisfaction wheel for your chance to win a ball point pen. Yes we are a fortune 500 company, what's your point?"

It's almost like they are trying to sabotage the center so they can move all the customer service to India. Which makes good business sense, I guess. Since they have no real concerns about losing customers.

Guess that's how the big giant head got so big.

Monday, June 6, 2005

Houston....we have railings.

Finally got a new deck, no more heart in the throat trying to climb the stairs of death.