How freakin' cool is this?





I want one.

I am just not an early bird.

Day two of the 7am - 3pm training. I get home and I am cranky. Get in a tiff with The Boy for something he did to me last night.

I remember him coming into my room and talking to me. I also vaguely remember trying to strangle him, but it appears he got away.

"What the hell did you wake me up for last night?"

"I came in to tell you that you left your coffee on the counter and microwaved the sugar bowl." (He is my straight man, we really should go on the road.)

I really don't give a shit if I catch the worm. I may not survive this day shift.

Don't mind me.

We had a bit of a scare over the weekend. My mother, who is in a nursing home, had to be taken to the hospital. She has is was sepsis? I don't know how it is termed.

She was pretty out of it, didn't know the war was over. She also was experiencing apnea that pretty much freaked the hell out of everyone, especially my sister who, every time she stopped breathing would shake her. It was looking pretty grim. The troops had to be called in.

The priest was called in and gave her last rites. That was Saturday. I should have known she was getting better. At one point she was trying to get out of bed, babbling on about something incoherently, and I got annoyed and told her she wasn't going anywhere. She grabbed my hand and said, quite clearly, "Oh will you shut up!"

She has anger issues, I have no idea where she gets that.

By Sunday morning she was sitting up having a cup of tea checking the obituaries for her name. That priest has skills.

This little episode also granted me the privilege of yet another face-to-face with The Professor. He also has skills, he didn't make eye contact with me once. And apparently his children are trained well. I said hello to them and they looked right through me.

Whatever. They stayed their 20 minutes and then left. Big help to the rest of us who were trying to make sure Mom didn't spend too much time all alone. (And when I say 'the rest of us' I mean the females of our species.)

The Professor's Wife was actually pleasant. I guess she wasn't let in on the whole 'snub-the-sister' pact. I guess you have to be a blood relation.

Anyway, later that day, my cousin Diane showed up to visit.

SISTER: "The Professors Wife was here."
DIANE: "And?"
SISTER: "She was talking to the nurses, finding about Mom's condition."
ME: "Isn't that a 'conflict of interest'?" My sister ignores me.
DIANE: "Is she a nurse?"
ME: "No she's an occupational therapist... but she did stay at a Holiday Inn Select last night."

YOU ARE HERE - 05-27-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- zellers in timmins (Ontario) (#4)
- verizon web page counter doesn't work (Pennsylvania) (#2)
- can my son drive in florida with learners permit (New Jersey) (#10)
- house for sael in ab (Alberta) (#6)
- tim hortons Weight watchers double cream (Winnipeg) (#3)
- feminize fiance (New Jersey) (#4)
- facebook is evil (Ontario) (#2)
- how to get the dean martin celebrity roasts (Sweden) (#5)
- does tim hortons give free coffee if you return tray? (Alberta) (#9) Uh...no.

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Sparta Inc. (Lake Forest, California)
Herr Voss Stamco (Pennsylvania)
Ball State University (Indiana)
Kidd And Driscoll Advertising (Tallahassee)
Capto Financial Consulting (Sweden)
Manitoba Cancer Treatment And Research Facility (Winnipeg)
Hoyes Michalos & Associates (Kitchener, Ontario)
Univerzitet U Beogradu (Belgrade, Serbia And Montenegro)
The City Of Grande Prairie (Alberta)
Research In Motion Inc (Ontario)
Boston University (Massachusetts)
Covenant Retirement (Chicago)
Dell Computer Corporation (Round Rock, Texas)

Can You See Your House From Here?
Okay. So I caved. I will keep it going for a while. See how it goes.


HINT: Ever go watch football at Stadion Bežigrad?


Sorry, Google Earth doesn't have any up close images.

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Make a wish.

I was awakened in the middle of the night. Nature called.

I get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I don't bother turning on the lights, after all, this is a small apartment and I know where everything is, right? Right?

I walk through the living room, so far so good. Halfway through the kitchen I can see the outline of the bathroom door just past the entry. When I hit the threshold of the entry I realize my miscalculation. When making the decision to not turn the lights on I have failed to take into consideration the bane of my existence, that is, Sammy.

I know I have mentioned Sammy before. Need I remind you that Sammy is black? (Although he prefers African Canadian Feline. Yes, he is a snotty, PC cat.) For whatever retarded reason, Sammy decided that the best place to sleep tonight was in the middle of the direct route to the bathroom. I don't think he will make that mistake again, assuming he lives.

I digress. So, I can see the outline of the door and make a B-line. As I step through the last doorway I feel the softness under my foot. Then this mind splitting, earth shattering screech. It was low, guttural and then built up like one of those assholes with the cars blaring some asinine hip hop song that they just have to know that no one wants to hear besides them, but they still insist on playing full blast, knowing full well that all we will hear is the base until they are right beside us. Assholes! What was I talking about? Oh right, the cat.

So I feel the softness, then the softness gets hard and moves. Slow this down in your mind. Pitch blackness and the Fat Chick is about to go airborne. Sammy feels the weight and understandably tries to flee, sideways. My left foot is on the carpet my right foot is resting squarely on Sammy's midsection about to crush the life out of him. He zigs, and I zag. Seconds later, I am dangerously close to completing the splits. And believe me, limber is not a word you would ever use to describe me.

My mind snaps to attention, "There is no way you will survive the splits. They call it 'the splits' for a reason, fool, you will split." I need to reach for something, desperately I try to imagine what might be close. In my mind I can see the table in the entry, am I close enough to grab it? Of course not, I lurch forward to avoid the splits and I almost caught myself on the table, but the tips of my fingers barely touch it and I feel myself head for the floor. At the very least, the splits have been avoided but my mind snaps back to let me know that if my fingers missed the table then that means my forehead would not.

Thankfully, I am a procrastinator and there was a cardboard box with papers in it on the edge of the table so my forehead stuck that instead of the wood. Otherwise I would most definately be out cold. Please add cursing and swearing to the soundtrack of this little movie (definately not PG13)in your head and bare in mind, I am a fat chick so in no way was this even remotely graceful so you can just forget that Matrix visual.

The moral of the story is: If nature calls, hang up. Cuz pissing the bed is preferable to ending up in a coma after being snapped in half like a wishbone.

Longest night in history.

The day shift pooched our service level to the point where there was no getting out of it. This resulted in all of us sitting around all night twiddling our thumbs. There were no early releases. I did, however, talk them into giving me Friday off with pay so I get a long weekend before starting my 7am training.

In 8 hours I took 3 calls. Talk about boring.

CALL #1 - A tech from 'across the pond'. He was trying to transfer a customer to me with 8 year old software wondering why it wouldn't work on his just released this year, operating system. Dude, the software is 8 years old. You can't spin that vinyl on your MP3 player. Get real.

CALL #2 - Cox customer. Just spent 2 hours on the phone with Cox, they couldn't make his email work. Checked the settings, they were wrong. How does an ISP not know its own server name?

CALL #3 - Couple of nice guys, just had one question. New OS just released this year. Their email program keeps asking to enter the password. Yup, sorry. It is gonna do that every single time. Known issue, not fixing it. The software is 5 years old, we are done tinkering with it. Upgrade.

I milked the last call since they were pretty cool to talk to. "I was just talking to the OS guy for an hour. Why didn't he just tell me the software wasn't going to work with his OS?"

"Some people just can't bare to break bad news."

"You don't seem to have any problem with it."

"It's a gift."

Couldn't pay me to stay...so they pay me to leave?

We are heading into the slow season at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™. Not for the whole center but for my project in particular, summer is very slow. Early releases are rampant. Meaning, its slow so you can take the day off. Which is fine if you can use some vacation time that you have built up or barring that you can afford to take an unpaid day off. I can do neither.

I have no vacation time left accrued and I can't afford to take unpaid time off. I just can't. This is my rent check week. With this in mind, I head to work with absolutely no intention of leaving until my scheduled shift is over. Period.

The best laid plans:

5:00 - Sign into the phone. Sit and wait.
5:22 - Floor coordinator comes down the row with a clip board. "You wanna go home?" I think he is kidding. He is not. "Dude, I can't go home, I have only been here 22 minutes."
5:40 - A manager (not mine)comes up to me. "You wanna go home?" They are killing me, "No! I can't afford it, get away from me!"
6:00 - Take my first break.
6:15 - Back from break, my own manager is at my desk. "Want to extend your break? Til tomorrow at five?" Seems that no one will take an early release today. "NO! I can't afford it so stop asking."
6:25 - The Big Giant Head is walking around giving out suckers. He offers me one. "What do I have to do for it?" I was kidding. He says, "Nothing, you just have to go home." I decline the sucker, "What is it with you people?"
6:40 - Still no call. Another manager approaches me. "Before you even start, the answer is no!" He looks puzzled, "You don't want to go home?" I just shake my head, "I can't afford to go home." "But you can take paid time off?" "No, I don't have any vacation time accrued." "Wait for a moment." and he walks away.
6:50 - Manager returns, "Your approved." Wait just a minute, "You are going to pay me to go home?" "Yes." "You told him I have no vacation time accrued?" "Yes, he approved your pay." I am not falling for it. "Show me the paperwork, and I am outta here."
7:00 - I drank the koolaid.

Stupid people do not object to the stupid tax.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I was just talking to Charter for over an hour and they said this was an Orange issue." Fuck, every ISP says that.

"What's the issue?"

"I can't send or receive email." Ok, sounds like an Orange issue.

We go through the normal 'who the hell are you' shit and I ask him what anti virus program he is using, sometimes it is the security software that stops you from sending and receiving. He has no idea so we start rolling the mouse along the icons in the task bar.

"As you roll your mouse over them, read them to me."

"...messenger signed in ... java platform ... local area connection limited or no conectivity ..."

"Hold it!"

"What?"

"Local area connection? Limited or no connectivity? I take a beat, hoping he might clue into the fact that he isn't connected to the internet. No such luck.

"I think I know what the problem is."

He is amazed and it shows in his voice. "Really? Already?"

"Yes, open up your browser. Tell me what it says."

"Can't connect to the server."

I am equally amazed that this man had been on the phone for an hour with his ISP "And Charter never tested to see if you even had connection to the internet?"

"No, I told them I couldn't send or receive email and they said that was an Orange issue." Give me strength.

Five minutes later, I had power cycled his modem (not my job, Charter's) and was telling him I was refunding his credit card.

"Oh no! You don't need to do that, you fixed my email. You deserve that money."

"Uh, there was never anything wrong with your email. I am refunding your credit card." We don't charge a stupid tax.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not take advantage of the computer illiterate.

This one will make you cry.



You can stop it after 6:05. For some reason, this crayon tacked on a U2 song. Kinda disturbing.

You heard me....training.

It is unbelievable, but I am heading into training ... again. I just started to get comfortable dealing with the product I support now and they decide I need to be trained for another. Not to say I won't be supporting the old product, they will just be adding this new one to the mix. And to add insult to injury, it starts at 7 AM.

FUCK - ME - GENTLY!

I think they might be secretly trying to kill me.

I know you are there, I can hear you breathing.

I don't know, I guess it happens to me once a year. I start to get a little discouraged.

I post and post and post and except for Kelly or Nadine I figure no one is reading it, so why bother? The odd other person will pipe up once in a while but I get the feeling I am talking to myself.

That is not to say I would stop posting. It just gets a little maddening. I can see that there are people reading it, and going to the archives and sitting in front of the computer and reading for hours sometimes. I know people are reading it, that is not the issue. The issue is, that most of my readers are lurkers.

The problem with lurkers is that they breed more lurkers. If someone comes by and sees that no one comments, then they will not comment either. It doesn't matter that they have returned 15 times in the past 2 days, they continue to not comment.

I get anywhere from 800 to 1300 unique visitors per month but only a very few ever comment. If you are one of these lurkers, I encourage you to show yourself. Gather up some courage to say hello. I don't bite, I swear to God.

Tell me a bit about yourself - who you are, where you’re from, what you do, or just say hi it really doesn't matter what you say. Hopefully, this will let you get to know some of the other lurkers and maybe give you a couple hits for your own site.

Comments from all visitors are welcome. Seriously, every comment does not have to be profound...just say hi.

YOU ARE HERE - 05-20-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-meridia (Redmond, Washington)(#??) Happens all the time. Search bot. I am pretty sure I have never used the word meridia in this blog, ever.
-how much money can a uk national sister-in-law send to her indian brother-in-law (Delhi)(#8) I don't know...but now I am interested.
-you are an asshole translated to italian (Massachusetts)(#7)A valuable phrase to learn in any language. Incidentally, I believe it is "Lei è un cretino." Glad I could help.
-sikta spruce picture (Florida)(#2)No idea what that is.
-and another thing (Washington)(#11)I don't even make the first page.
-naked picture unblocked by information centre (Sudan)(#10) Sorry to waste your time, Dude.
-frozen jaw (Mumbai, India)(#10)
-Iowa population maps that are good and not bad maps (Orange County)(#3)It's good to be specific, I guess.
-"hold her down" shot butt nurses (Italy)(#2)Probably not exactly what he was looking for.
-someone bought for 70,000 dollars (Pennsylvania)(#7)
-what makes a person who they are? (Australia)(#?) God, I wish I knew.
-is there a fee to cancel vonage? (New Jersey)(#8)And the answer is yes, in my case it was $49.99.
-what does shmily mean? (California)(#8)See How Much I Love You.
-Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April (Markham, Ontario)(#4) This was on the entrance exam for tech support. Her second child was named May, what is the name of her third child? Believe it or not, people got it wrong.

Honestly I am getting a bit grossed out over the amount of porn searches that end up here. No wonder no one comments. There are a lot of one handed typists out there. Most of it is pretty sick, and I am just going to try and pretend you aren't out there.

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Access Cable Television (Dartmouth, Nova Scotia)
Delta Air Lines (Atlanta, Georgia)
Orange County Department Of Education (California)
First American Membership Services (Des Moines, Iowa)
Greenwich House (New York, New York)
Dartmouth College (Hanover, New Hampshire)
California Institute Of Technology (Pasadena)
Future Shop Ltd (Burnaby, BC)
Mail Boxes Etc (Laguna Hills, California)
United States Postal Service (New York)
Integrated Health Associates (Claremont, California)
Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program (Los Angeles)
Shimadzu Corporation (Japan)
42nd Communication Squadron (Mcchord, Washington)
Nova Scotia Research Foundation Corporation (Canada)
Royal Bank Of Canada (Toronto)
Dynetics Inc (Huntsville, Alabama)
Aria Rasana Tadbir (Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran)

Can You See Your House From Here?
I think this will be the last week for this feature. I have been doing it for the last eight weeks and only one person ever responded. (Thanks Diana) Even though I specifically targeted places that I knew I had return visitors from. In case anyone is interested, here are the featured places for the last eight weeks:

03-25-07 - Windsor, Ontario
03-31-07 - Winston Salem , NC
04-08-07 - Ogden, Utah
04-15-07 - The Two-fer - St. Joseph, Michigan and Minneapolis, Minnesota
04-22-07 - Toronto, Ontario
04-29-07 - New York, New York
05-06-07 - Hamilton, New Jersey
05-13-07 - Whitehorse, YK

Any-who. This will be the last one, so here goes and its a Two-Fer.


HINT:Ever cheer on your cricket team at Chinnaswamy or spend the day at the Jawaharlal Nehru Planetarium?

HINT: When was the last time you caught a movie at the Empire Drive-in?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

These guys are halarious.



Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs Rhymenocerous.

Prepare yourself to be awed and amazed.

The guitar is in the building.

Picked up The Boy's new guitar today. Ya, I know, there will be no thanks for that but I am a sucker. I know this about myself and I am okay with it.

The first order of business is to get him to learn the song from the second video in yesterday's post. New Again - Brad Paisley and Sara Evans. I am addicted to it. I will make sure he records it so I can post it.

Now I am broke. Pretty good, it took me til 11am this time to blow the whole paycheck. Personal record.

It's just that easy.



On a more serious note, here is one you probably won't hear on the radio, but it is beautiful. Brad Paisley and Sara Evans.

There ought to be a stupid tax.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

I ask her name and case number and then, like an idiot, I ask her how she is today. Big mistake.

"I am totally DISGUSTED!"

"Excuse me?"

"I went away for a couple of days and they changed my email program, it used to be LookOut Quick, now its just LookOut two zero zero something. They just took it off my computer."

"Who is 'they'?"

"ORANGE OF COURSE!" Oh dear God. This crayon totally thinks this is possible. I mean, it might be, but who do these people think they are? You think we just sit around and say, 'Oh ya, Joan Schmoe from ButtFuck Nowhere, we need to fuck up her computer. It's on the schedule.' Why do they imagine we give a shit?

People think they are being hacked all the time? Do you know how rare that is? If I was a hacker? Why would I waste my time hacking some idiot gas station attendant, who can't even turn his computer on half the time, when there are banks out there? Or something interesting like the FBI or the DMV?

While I am trying to get her case to come up, I go for the obvious. You wouldn't believe how many times you have to cram the obvious down someones throat.

"Ok, let's see if we can do something. Can I get you to click start and then all programs?"

"Ok." Under her breath, "Un-fuckin-believable."

"Do you see LookOut Quick?"

"Ya."

"Click on it, did it open?" You can hear her brain catching up to her.

"Oh for heaven's sake."

"It will say it is not your default email, when it asks if you want to make it the default, say yes."

"Is that all there is to it?"


"Uh huh. I will refund your credit card, since there was absolutely nothing wrong with your computer." Should be a stupid tax, but I will take pity on her, since I can imagine she is in her closet wearing a tinfoil hat.

You can't kick a stupid person, it just wouldn't be right. With any luck she will stop buying Orange and switch to Apple...be their brain tumor for a while.

You know what's sad?

That my own brother thinks he is just too good to speak to me. You remember, the one who deleted me from Facebook because I didn't converse with him like he was some stranger. He actually told my sister that he could not 'subject' himself or his family to me. Out of all the siblings, it's me he is most offended by? If you knew our family history you might find that very difficult to believe. It's mind boggling.

Who exactly does he think he is? It is pretty sad when your own brother lives astride such a high horse that he can't haul his ass off it long enough to 'deal' with his own sister. I knew he had a superiority complex, but I just didn't think he would slap me in the face with it quite this hard.

It is just incomprehensible (Ya, that is a 6 syllable word...surprisingly, I am not a moron.)that he and I came from the same family. He would probably like to think that we do not, but we do. I am not a perfect person, but if you ask my friends, I am one of the best you could have. I would never pretend that I like you just to be polite, I am real and I am not afraid to call bullshit when someone tries to shovel it in my face. I have a long memory and a short fuse. Without that, I may have ended up at the bottom of a bottle like my father. I don't say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to their faces. (Can you say the same, Dave?)

I am not a perfect mother, and I don't have a degree from some fancy college, but The Boy has never wanted for anything. He knows, not supposes, he knows how proud I am of him and every day he knows without a doubt that he is loved. And you know what? I wouldn't trade that for a degree in astrophysics and a fancy house on a cal-de-sac.

You can look down your nose at me, Dave, but I am happy. Can you say the same? I feel sorry for you that you can't have a real conversation with anyone. Maybe you watch too much Oprah, I don't know.

You go ahead with your 'polite' impersonal conversations with the rest of the family, send your form letters, exchange those air kisses over cocktails. I know where you grew up. I am your sister and I love you anyway. Even though you think I am too low brow for you, I was always proud to call you my brother. Sorry you can't say the same about me.

It's just sad.

Face Crack.

The dude actually did it. Turn out was good and the Frisco stayed till the tattoo was finished and beyond, I think. This is the artwork that they settled on. Much better than the mug shot.

Below is some video of the event, I am sure there will be plenty more where that came from, he won't be able to forget this little stunt any time soon.

The Boy has absolutely no vision.

The Boy thinks I have lost my mind. I saw these on sale at the local grocery store.

"Wow, look at the price of these sods!"

"What are sods?"

"Grass. 16 inches by 48 inches...for less than a buck fifty each! I'm getting some."

"We live on the second floor, what are you going to do with grass?"

"What do you mean? I'm gonna put it on the deck." I start calculating how many I would need.

"Can't you just picture it? The whole deck covered in grass. So cool. Let's see, the deck is 14 by 8 with that L shape at the side..."

"You're insane."

Kill joy starts debating me:

You can't put grass over wood, it will die.
I will water it.
It drinks from the roots.
I will lay plastic down first.
You're insane.

"Ya, that last part does seem like a lot of work. And if I do get it to grow I would eventually need to mow it." Starting to sound less appealing. "I just remembered the cats, they will no doubt shit on it." May have to rethink this.

"And people will think you are nutts."

Suddenly, I have an epiphany. "Holy shit, I've got it! I will buy two sods, lay them in cookie sheets. That way I can water them and they won't die, and if I need to mow them I will just use scissors. Oh ya, this is gonna be great!"

"Two?"

I look at him like he has two heads. "Duh...one for each foot."

He shakes his head, "Insane."

"You laugh now, but this time next week, I will be sitting on my deck with grass between my toes."

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day. What did I get? Well the boy geared up the BBQ for me. Filled the tank and bought dogs and buns.

YOU ARE HERE - 05-13-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-his nice new suit (Illinois)(#4)
-tim hortons drive thru smo (Ontario)(#?)
-hangy thing chicken (Maine)(#1)
-piss floor clothes counter (Texas)(#?)
-fat chick syndrome (Florida)(#8)
-layne thrasher ballpark (California)(#1 and 2) Sorry dude, Layne Thrasher is a writer, I am pretty sure he/she doesn't have a ballpark named after them.
-how many calories is in a large tim horton's french vanilla coffee (Alberta)(#8) If you have to ask, it's way too many.
-design evel tower (Jordan)(#8) Now we are just going around in circles, a search that finds a search result.
-how to press the space bar really fast (Michigan)(#2) For real?
-chuck norris random fact igoogle (Georgia)(#5) I love that thing.
-cry baby wha-wha pedal (Australia)(#5) The Boy cried for it, now it sits in the corner and cries alone. Lots of crying, not much playing.
-naked nude ausie men (Washington, DC)(#8)Wish I could help you, Dude. FYI, Naked and Nude....same thing.
-naked kilts (UK)(#3)Was not aware that inatamate objects could be naked.
-indian blogs on mothers day (Italy)(#?)

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Hewlett-packard Company (Vancouver, Washington)
Zee Telefilms Ltd (India)
Technische Universitaet Dresden (Germany)
Unicorn Financial (Illinois)
Apple Computer Inc (Sacramento, California)
Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program (Los Angeles, California))
United Parcel Service (Hawthorne, New Jersey)
Stanford University Network (Palo Alto, California)
Whirlpool Corporation (Benton Harbor, Michigan)
Google Inc (New York)
Columbus Air Force Base (Warner Robins, Georgia)
Hamilton-clermont Cooperative Assn (New York)
Chapman University (Orange, California)
University Of Maryland (College Park)
Dynamic Pools (France)

Can You See Your House From Here?




HINT: Ever grab a bite at the Blackstone Cafe Two? Or Sanchez Cantina?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

25,000 facebook stalkers later and ...

Just some proof that FaceBook is evil.

Greg Yorke (aka Red) has stated that if 25,000 people join this Facebook group that he will get a tattoo of ATV anchorman Bruce Frisko somewhere on his body.



Well, now he has to put his butt cheek money where his mouth is.

"As of right now the tattoo is planned for Saturday, May 12th at Bubbles Mansion! ... The Frisk himself will be there, and lots of media. Cheap drinks too! More details to come!"

Proceeds from the event will go to a good cause, so I guess it isn't that evil.

He knows I would die for him.

Oh, dear Lord!

These will be the death of me. Just when I think I can safely choke down the low fat ice cream bars, I am slapped in the face with these.

Oh, well I can't come home with ice cream for myself and none for The Boy, right?

They are too for The Boy!

Well, of course, being a good parent means tasting their food. You know, just to make sure it is safe.

Safe, ya, that's it I want to make sure it is safe. [chomp]

These things are addictive.[chomp] Little bite sized pieces of chocolate ice cream wrapped in a [chomp] crunchy chocolaty coating. ADDICTIVE I TELL YA![chomp chomp]

I cannot in good conscience subject The Boy to this addiction. He could turn into a couch potato, balloon to 400 pounds, sink into depression, write a manifesto and blow something up. I cannot and will not subject my child to that disastrous future. It just wouldn't be right, right?

[chomp] Don't give me that look. [chomp chomp] I am saving my son, God damn you!

Oh, bite me!

This breaks my heart.

What makes a person, a teenager, drink so much that they pass out? Or wander around in the rain and snow, passing out in the center of the road? What is the attraction? Is this fun? Do other teenagers find this cool?

They are dragged to the emergency room, kicking and screaming. Restrained, catheterized without any hope of discretion because they are in a busy ER, people milling about. To add insult to injury, a couple of male EMT's had to hold her down, spread her legs and jam a tube up her urinary tract.

Yes, I said her. Somehow makes it worse, doesn't it? Not something you want to tell your grandkids, eh? Five times the legal limit I think they said. Five times! Was she looking for bragging rights? How lucky she was that she was picked up. It was raining and snowing when she passed out. If she had made it behind a building or passed out in a field somewhere, we could be discussing this at her wake.

She fights the treatment the nurses are trying to give her. She screams profanities at the top of her lungs. She scratches and tries to hit them. A nurse looks at me, "Mum, do you want to come in and calm her?"

I look at her horrified. "She's not mine!" But I go in to help calm her. There but for the grace of God, I think.

In the ER she screams for her friends, I say, "What friends? What kind of friends would leave you in this condition? You could be dead right now." She begins to scream again.

I lean close so I don't have to raise my voice. "You shut the fuck up or I will have one of those nurses cram a tube down your throat! There are real sick people here and they don't need to hear you." If she was looking for sympathy, she wasn't getting it from me.

Down the hall a family sits, wringing their hands, their little girl, 6 or 7 years old, has seized 3 times waiting for the air ambulance to take her to Sick Children's Hospital. They sit and pray that she makes it in time. All the while, a drunken teenager is down the hall screaming for the nurses to get the fuck away from her, yelling for her 'friends'. If their little girl dies, this will be part of their last memories of her.

What would make a person want to be totally out of control like that? With total disregard for their own life or anyone else's for that matter. Do they think at all of who they might be hurting? Not just themselves. Had she been hit by a car and killed. What of the person who hit her? Can you imagine going through life knowing you killed someone, no matter that it was an accident?

Suppose a person like this, not to say this was her intention because I have no earthly idea what her intentions were, but just suppose a person with this total disregard for life, was suicidal? So, maybe not suicidal, but didn't really put much value on her own life, well at least not enough to want to actively safeguard it in the most fundamental way. Suppose the worst had happened.

Who does she hurt? Herself? Maybe for that split second before she dies. But do people like this really think about the people who really get hurt? Her mother of course. Her other family members, surely. Her so called friends who left her to wander alone. The person who may have inadvertently killed her. The EMT's who have to scrape her brains off the asphalt. The nurses and doctors who would have had to work on her.

Me, sitting here looking at a picture of this beautiful, intelligent kid. Tears welling up in my eyes, thinking of how easily I could be writing about this child's death. Tears of disappointment for a kid who I know in this world could be anything she wanted to be. Accomplish anything she ever wanted to. If only she believed in herself like her mother believes in her. Like I believe in her.

What of that little girl, air lifted to the children's hospital? Her family, crying bitter tears for a child who clings desperately to life, while a teenager down the hall carelessly tosses hers away.

Heart breaking.

Gaming Snobs.

Ubergeek,(aka the Grog-meister) who incidentally does not comment, (too cool, I guess) messaged me today. Apparently he is reading the blog, not commenting as usual.

"Was "W.O.W. people" supposed to refer to World of Warcraft ? Listen to the lyrics of the song. it's about console gaming."

I suspect at this point he is trying to tell me there is a difference. Not being a gamer, I assume that gaming is gaming. My point being that a gamer would find this funny and totally be able to relate to it. "LOL so you get it?"

"I was wondering why you had it posted relating to wow"

"You're about to tell me there is a difference and it is making it soooo much funnier."

"Console gamers are the ones who are too lazy or stupid to work a computer game."

Holy Crap, can you just imagine him delivering that statement whilst glancing down the bridge of his nose? Fuck! Put a British accent to it, way funnier.

Anyway. That got me thinking, are all 'computer gamers' infected by this superiority complex? I mean. Hand eye coordination versus (I don't know) whatever puzzle solving skills are involved in computer games? And honestly, most video games can be played on the computer and vise versa. So why be offended if I don't make the distinction?

Who would actually win in a sword fight? Console or computer gamer?

The Vonage Experiment.

I tried to cancel my Vonage. Seems like it would be a simple thing, call them up, say 'thanks, but no thanks' and that would be it. Right? No sir, you would be wrong.

My phone was so choppy that it took the guy (never did get a decent pronunciation on his name) 10 minutes to get my account information. Then he has the nerve to ask why I wanted to cancel.

"Uh, well, the voice is choppy, I can't get calls from certain area codes, and it cuts me off the internet at least twice a day."

"I'm sorry, I could not hear you."

"Exactly."

So he tells me that he will transfer me to accounts and billing. I get over there and speak with Marry Ann. I have to give her all the same information, including verify that I am who I say I am. Fifteen minutes later, she asks why I want to cancel.

"Are you kidding? I am calling you from my Vonage phone, how does it sound to you?"

"Oh, ya I guess." She giggles. "Well there will be a fifty dollar disconnection fee."

"Excuse me? You want me to pay you to disconnect a phone that works like this?" I had to repeat that 3 times before she got it all.

"Well, I can send you to tech support and if they can't fix it, they will put a note in the case saying they can't fix it and to waive the diconnection fee."

So off I go to tech support. At least that is where I think I am going. And I get Brenton, I again repeat all the account information to him including verifying my identity. (do any of these people take notes?) And let's not forget the stupid question, how can I help you?

"Uh, I think it's pretty obvious what my problem is."

"I am sorry, I missed that."

"Exactly."

"Well I will get you to a technician who can try and assist you." I thought he was the technician. I am not going to argue with him, I am getting cranky and it is not his fault, he has to follow stupid-ass redundant procedures.

He proceeds to transfer me and hangs up. Nice, just what I need. I have to start all over again.

Twenty minutes later I finally get to the actual technician, Kingston. Kingston, is from, but not necessarily located, across the pond. He also wants to verify all my information and that I am indeed who I claim to be. Who the fuck would go through all this hassle if they weren't a Vonage customer? I have no idea.

At this point I tell him, basically, I know you can't fix this issue, I have tried everything suggested on the website, I just need a note in the case so I can have the fee waived. He wants to try and fix it.

"Let us start by shutting off the computer." I do so. And the line is fine.

"Ok, but not really a solution, Kingston."

"Yes, but now we will find out what program is causing the problem."

"Ok, here is the thing. I know what program is causing it. But shutting down that program is not an option for me."

"But the phone will work..."

"Again, yes it will work if I stop doing what I do 24/7. I understand there is nothing wrong with the Vonage. What I am telling you is that it doesn't work for me."

"But..."

"I didn't say it didn't work, I said it didn't work for me. I don't think I should have to stop what I do in my daily life to accommodate the Vonage phone. It just doesn't work for me. If this does not work well with what I do day-to-day, then I shouldn't have to change my routine to suit the phone. I just need you to put a note in the case so they will waive the fee."

"But it does work."

"But it doesn't work for me." At this point I am willing to pay the fifty bucks just so I don't have to deal with this anymore and I tell him so.

"But I cannot say that it doesn't work, when it does."

"So you are telling me that if I want to use your service, I have to stop everything I am doing. Seems kind of fascist to me."

After going in circles for another half an hour, I agree to let him try something. He compresses my packets....no idea what that means.

"How about this, you put a note in the case that you tried. I will actually try this new setup for a few days, if it doesn't work I will call and cancel."

Honestly, if they want to charge me fifty bucks, so be it. The Vonage experiment is definitely over.

And Another Thing...

Find out more about Vonage:

Stock Massacre in the Making? Dump Vonage Now!
Vonage review
Court Rejects Vonage’s Request for Retrial of Verizon Patent Suit

They just continue to beat their dead horse.

YOU ARE HERE - 05-06-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-as crooked as a dog's hind leg (California)(#2)
-moving furniture manic (New Jersey)(#2)
-tim horton's extra large triple cream nutritional information (Toronto)(#3)Nutritional? Dude, are you serious?
-tim hortons code of ethics (Toronto)(#3) I really hope 'don't spit in the customers coffee' is in there somewhere.
-iceland reykjavik (Reykjavik)(#3)
-decaffeinated translated in Italian (New Jersey)(#3)
-sister-in-law porn (Flushing, New York)(#?)Wow, I only list this one because they used WebCrawler as the search engine. I remember that one from way back.
-working for orange (London)(#10)It took me a minute but I finally got this one.
-brother fu (Minnisota)(#?)Which one are you looking for, Kung or Toe?
-fucking a physical therapist (India)(#8)Most of my porn related hits come from India
-whirlpool knoxville (St. Joseph)This is interesting. I have this person from Whirlpool who reads the blog, but he/she has never identified themselves, even after I posted them in "Can you see your house from here?" Wait a minute....this is you. [waves]
-star wars filmed algeria (London)(#1) I know 4 of the Star Wars movies were filmed in Tunisia, which is bordered by Algeria, but I am not sure about filming in Algeria.
-tramadol (Redmond, Washington)(#?) I still can't figure this out. This search does not actually generate a hit to my site, so I am not sure how they actually end up here. I think the Bot is on crack.

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?

Shouldn't you be working or studying?
University Medical Center (Plano, Texas)
Texas Woman's University (San Antonio)
Florida Department Of Labor And Employment (Tallahassee)
Mount Mercy College (Dubuque, Iowa)
Owensboro Municipal Utilities (Kentucky)
City Of Bath College (Bristol, England)
Massachusetts Mutual (Springfield)
Toronto Public Library (Ontario)
Tarco Automation Inc (Calgary, Alberta)
University Of Southern California (Altadena)
Eloyalty Corporation (Lake Forest, Illinois)
Alberta Motor Association (Edmonton)
Oficina De Estudios Y Politicas Agrarias (Chile) The ministry of Agriculture, as far as I can tell.
Gobierno Vasco (Spain) Looks like a government agency.
Maret School (Washington, DC)
Mahlmann Ed & Associates (Texas?)

Can You See Your House From Here?


HINT: Ever head out to Strawberry Fields to see the Skyblazers?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me

Don't it make you all squishy inside?

Mother's Day is fast approaching, The Boy is 16, you think I might get a gift this year? Maybe a card? The Boy went to work with his father last weekend, so he has 60 dollars. Here is his dilemma. He still has that guitar in lay-away.

"What do you want for Mother's Day?"

"Uh, I dunno. You could gear up the BBQ for me, clean it and fill the tank."

"Well I got 60 bucks."

"Uh huh."

"I was thinking." This should be interesting.

"I could do that, and get some things to have a BBQ..."

Wait for it.

"...and you could put 60 dollars on my guitar."

S.H.M.I.L.Y.?

He is his father's son.

It's love, I tell ya, LOVE!

I really have to express how much I am in total love with Vista.

I recently had a blue screen of death.

What's that you say? Am I on crack? Who loves getting a blue screen of death?

Well, first I have to tell you that the only reason I knew I even had a BSofD, was that I happen to be sitting in front of the computer when it happened.

This is the beauty of Vista.

I saw the screen and the blood drained from my face. I was working on something, had a movie burning, two other documents that I had not saved yet and there it was.

I grabbed a pen to write it down, I know the drill, I was in tech support. Before I could even read past 'Fatal_syste_...' the screen went black.

The computer began to restart. It came back up and said, "RECOVERING FROM SYSTEM FAILURE IN 5....4...3...2...1"

And that was it. Turns out I had one other BSofD about a month ago, and never even knew it. I had to restart the cd burn, but thanks to Volume Shadow Copy, my document was saved.

"Ya, Evel, the computer crashed, but not to worry, I fixed that up for ya."

"I love you Vista."

"I love you too, Evel."

W.O.W. people will get this.

More shit that cracks me up.

I have this thing on my iGoogle page, it's a Chuck Norris Fact Generator taken from over at Beer & Sympathy.


It always makes me laugh no matter what kind of shit ass day I am having.

Also found at Beer & Sympathy. Cyanide and Happiness

What's in a name?

Do you think if I had a cutsie name, I would have a different personality? Could you take a 'fuck you, asshole' from someone named Bambi seriously?

I mean if I was a Melody or an Candi, would you read my blog and hear a different tone? Could you imagine me really grabbing the cat by the face and throwing him off the deck if my name were Rainbow or Meadow? Hey, I was born in the 60's, it could have happened.

For those of you who don't know my name, what would you imagine it to be? What could you not imagine it being?

Do you think your personality matches your name? Do you know anyone who's name does not match their personality? It happens a little less frequently in men but don't you notice that if a guy has a geeky name he usually turns out to be a geek?

I often wondered, if my mother had named me something more feminine, would I have been more girly? Less abrasive?

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on this.

SO, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

Since I started keeping track I have received visitors from every province and territory in Canada and most of the states in the US. I am only missing Louisiana, Oklahoma and Vermont. Which I think is pretty cool. This month we give a shout out to Munster, Indiana and Iqaluit, Nunavut.

Any hoo... in this months installment of 'So, Where are you from?' we will be visiting ...

Reykjavík, Iceland

"Visitors to Reykjavik experience easily the pure energy at the heart of Iceland's capital city - whether from the boiling thermal energy underground, the natural green energy within the city and around it, or the lively culture and fun-filled nightlife.

Think of the qualities of a great city - fun, space, clean air, nature, culture - and Reykjavik has them in spades. It has the features of a modern, forward-looking society which are complemented by a close connection to beautiful nature.

The population of the Reykjavik Capital Area is about 200,000. Reykjavik is spread across a peninsula with a panoramic view of the mountains and the Atlantic Ocean on almost all sides. In the summer, you can sit by the harbour at midnight and watch the sun dip slightly below the horizon before it makes its way up again.



The world’s northernmost capital is framed by the majestic Mt. Esja, which keeps a watchful eye on the city, and the blue waters of Faxafloi Bay. On a sunny day, the mystical Snaefellsjokull glacier appears crystal-like on the western horizon, while mountainous moonscapes spread to the southeast.

Reykjavik is a great place to visit, whether for some cultural nourishment, a spot of unbridled fun or to recharge your batteries. Think of the ideal city break and you'll think of Reykjavik."
Quote from Reykjavik's official tourist website.

It looks absolutely beautiful, and surprisingly populated for such a small northern country. Well I suppose it looks small next to Greenland, that is actually pretty much all ice....weird. Iceland is green, and Greenland is white.

Looking over some of the pictures, it looks like a really nice place to visit. I might even consider getting on an airplane someday. Uh...I might wait for that tele-porting technology, me and airplanes, not happening. But you really should check it out on Google Earth. Pretty amazing views.

Also surprising was the climate average mid-winter temperatures are no lower than those in Toronto or New York City. However, it is pretty wet, having an average of 213 rainy days every year.

You will find some interesting picures of Reykjavic on BloggingReykjavik.net a photo blog.

Björk is from there and if you are still wondering where is Bobby Fisher? Guess what? Yup, he is in Reykjavik.

So, if you are sitting somewhere in Reykjavik, surfin' the net and you are reading this?

"Komið þið sæl". Welcome. Glad to have ya.