Ya, sure you are.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"I can't get connected."

"How many lights on the modem?"

Impatiently, "They are all on and on the router too."

"Ok, can you pull the power from the router?" It's usually the router.

"I have done all that, I'm an IT guy."

"Ok, what kind of error do you get?"

"Local area connection, network cable unplugged."

Guess what? The network cable was unplugged.

Another idiot who lied on his resume.

What is pissing me off right now?

Let's see:

- Ants in my bedroom/office. I took me a day to figure out where they were coming from. Old windows, cracks in the molding. FUCK ME, I hate crawly things.

- Environmentalists. Just fuck off.

- Commercials that use cartoon animation to illustrate how their product works. "Oh, the pill causes those red arrows to turn blue, so it must relieve headaches too." What? Who falls for that shit?

- Wildlife. I don't give a shit how cute raccoons are, I need them to fuck off or I need them dead. Either way, I am ok with it.

- Not-so-wild life. This means the cats that reside in my home. They contribute nothing to society and they wake me at 4am to let them out. FUCK OFF! If I figure out how to off the raccoon, you will be right behind it.

- Gas prices. There is no reason for us to be subject to gas prices set by foreign countries. If we didn't have so many tree huggers, we would be able to produce our own oil or other fuel alternatives. If Brazil can do it, why can't we?

I will tell you why, cuz those nuts are hell bent on saving the Spitting Shit Fly of Nunavut, so we can't drill in the north.(just one example)"OOOO we have to preserve the beauty of the wilderness." Why? I ask you. I don't see them spending their vacations there, giving those people an alternative source of income. They are so much more interesting to see in documentaries, the shacks, the igloos, eating whatever they can chase down. (Not seal though, we have been over this) "Oh I don't ever intend to set foot there, (insert snotty British accent) but I don't want you to ruin it, on the off chance I might want to some day." Yes, Paul. Whatever you say, Paul. (kneel and kiss the $400 alligator shoes)

- Paul McCartney. For so many reasons, including the above. I could go on about him for hours.

- Oprah. I blame her for everything.



- Mac commercials. Vista is not buggy. Hardware vendors have just been draggin' their asses on driver updates. I have been using Vista for a year without incident. "Oh but you have to perform expensive upgrades to your PC in order to run it." Are you serious? Upgrading a PC is cheap. You know how you upgrade a Mac? Throw it out the window and buy a new one. Don't get me started.

- Drivers.

That'll do for now.

Same shit, different day.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ my name is blah blah blah..."

No hello, just starts right in, flipping out.

"I don't think that I should have to pay for this shit if it doesn't work!"

"I agree, what's the problem."

"Well I try and get on the internet and everything is sideways. It's been like that for a month."

"I see that you do have connection to the internet, so the modem is online and working fine. Do you mean all the web pages are sideways or everything on the computer screen is sideways?"

"Everything! I am not paying for this! Your internet does not work!"

"Can you do something for me? Can you hold down the Control key, then hold down the Alt key and hit the right arrow key?"

"You mean I have to do this every time? This is ridiculous! I want my money back for this computer."

"Sir, we did not sell you the computer, we only provide the internet connection."

"Fine, I will call the phone company, that is who I bought it from."

It's a DELL.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"When I start up my computer it says 'connecting to Lindsay' but my name is Leanne."

"Where is it saying that?"

"On the little picture at the bottom."

"Are you sure it says Lindsay?"

"Let me check.....I guess it says Linky. But I don't know anyone named Linky either, I think someone is hacking me!"

"Could you look a little closer, does it say L-I-N-K-S-Y-S?"

"Ya, it does. Who is that?"

That, my friends, is job security.

First Day.

A photo journal of the bunnies and me, our first day on the job.

Had to wake up at the crack of nine. Not bad since training forced me up at 5am. In case you are wondering, yes I showered and yes I did shave my legs. Although these pictures do not make it look as if I did. But you older folk out there will recognize poor circulation when you see it.

This is us, working hard.


And here we are, taking a coffee break. This required us to swivel in our chair about 14 degrees. It was an exhausting trip through mid-morning traffic.



Most of the day, however, the bunnies stayed under the desk. They like it there, they play pinochle and chat quietly. And of course keep my tootsies warm.



Then a bit of lunch.



I will let you know how I manage this hectic schedule.

And another thing...

Just an update. Got my pension papers in on Wednesday (built up pension contributions from Undisclosed Customer Service Center™) and they deposited the money in my account this morning. They had told me 3-5 days and it was exactly 3 which blew me away.

I went out tonight to get an obnoxiously comfy chair for my office. I wasn't able to find the chair I could really be happy in, so I ended up getting this one.

Separation of church and state.

I think I might start another blog just for the work-at-home gig. You know, something I might actually be able to show my employer.

This blog pretty much chronicled my whole stint at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ although I had to take great pains to make sure upper management did not get wind of it.

I often though it would have been a better idea to separate the work shit from the personal stuff. But by the time I thought of it, it was way too much work to separate it.

So, I am thinking I will start the new blog with my first day of training. Put out some info on how it really is to work from home. Keep it clean, for the employer and then tell you how I really feel here.

This also might be a good opportunity to try one of the other free blog hosting outfits.

So, my questions for you:

What should I name this new blog?

Any suggestions on the blog host? Who do you use and how do you like it?

I GOT IT!

This just in. I got the job! She called me at an ungodly hour but I managed to sound chipper.

Film at Eleven.

Who can wait for eleven?

Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!

The suspense is killing me.

As I was coming into work last night 'Toby' stopped me. "The Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ called me about you today."

"Really? That's great, what did you say?"

"Lied through my teeth."

"Cool, thanks."

Must be a good sign that they called one of my references, don't ya think? Now I just have to worry about the other one. Unfortunately since I only ever worked for one other company in the last 10 years, they wanted to talk to my old boss. Long story short, he fired me.

I can't say right now but despite how we ended things, I believe he will give me a good reference.

Now we wait.

I can't win the lottery, but maybe...?

I applied for a job with the local Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ to do tech support from home.

Unfortunately, everyone else at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ had the same idea and there are only 15 openings. What would be really cool is if they hired everyone that applied. We could all do a stampede out the door at the same time. Trampling the Big Giant Head on the way out. (A girl can dream)

I would kill for this job. The mere fact that I could smoke at my desk again would convince me to take a cut in pay. Not to mention the whole 'bunny slipper' aspect of the job.

They supply you with a dedicated phone line, high speed internet, computer, phone, the works. Some reports say desk and chair, but that is not confirmed. Factor in that as an employee, you would get a deal on your internet, cable and phone service and that alone justifies the cut in pay. Their base salary is only 40 cents less than I am making now.

The cutoff for applications was on Wednesday and people were already getting callbacks yesterday. I, of course, was not one of them but there is still hope.

Fingers and toes crossed.

Update!

I had a 25 minute phone interview at noon today. The interviewer said he was impressed with my resume and how I handled myself on the phone.

There is a catch, however. He wants my last employers name as a reference. That would be the one that fired me. You would think this would be an upsetting turn of events. But alas, the planets have aligned themselves for Evel and this particular turn could not come at a better time. (All will be revealed in a later post)

Anyway, I have a face-to-face next Wednesday with another person who will grill me on the technical.

Just a little nervous.

I refuse to call you Doctor unless you call me Princess.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah...Can I get your name and your case number please?"

"My name is Doctor Snooty and my case number is blah blah blah." Big emphasis on Doctor.

Oh great, one of 'those'. I am sorry bitch, but unless you are between my legs diagnosing some foreign disease or hauling my heart out of my chest to give it the once over, I am not calling you doctor.

"Ok, how can I help?"

She proceeds to tell me that she tried to send out an email in LookOut Quick with an attachment that she realizes is too big but she tried it anyway. Now it will not send and it will not delete.

We navigate to her personal folder and delete the out box. We reopen LookOut Quick and the email is gone.

"So, I will be closing this case as resolved."

"Is that it?" She can't believe it is that simple.

"Yes." It is 'just' that simple.

After she hangs up I notice that she actually paid $59 for that 6 minute call. I turn to Potsie. "That call was under 10 minutes, you think I should refund her?"

"Sure, I would."

"Ok, but when I asked her her name, she said 'Doctor' Snooty."

He laughs, "Well then, no!"

"Your right, that'll be a $59 stupid tax for 'Doctor' Snooty." Cha-ching!

They really don't pay me enough.

Work has been tedious lately. It is really slow for our project in the summer since our product is mainly broken used by students, so we spend a lot of time off the phones. Which is great because I am on crayon overload right about now, but it does get boring.

Even though they take us off the phones they are loathe to send us home, just in case the unthinkable happens like the donkey dies in India and we go into queue.

Don't laugh. We have gone into queue for weirder reasons. Like an actor dying or everyone in India suddenly getting up and leaving because the bus was and hour early.

So it's almost quittin' time before I have to take a call.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I want to change my email." Ok, I assume he switched service providers and needs to setup the new email. Although, why they never call the ISP is beyond me.

"Ok, I am just going to verify the information we have now." I verify his phone number and email address.

"That's the thing, right now it it rocketscientist at ISP dot com. I want it to be madscientist at Orange dot com."

After stifling a belly laugh at the rocket scientist part of it I ask him. "Do you work at Orange?"

"No."

"So how did you get the email address?"

"Well I don't have it yet. But that is what I want it to be."

"Oh, I get it. Well, unless you work for Orange you can't get an email address with at Orange dot com."

"The hell I can't! This is America, I can have whatever I want!" Give me strength.

"You can't just make up an email address, and you can't have 'at' Orange in it if you are not 'at' Orange. My email is at Orange dot com because I actually work 'at' Orange. See what I mean?"

"I want to speak with your manager!"

"Excuse me?" Is this crayon for real?

"You are refusing me support, I want to speak to your manager." I look at the clock, 1:02am. You know what? Peddle your crazy somewhere else! [CLICK]

The subconscious knows.

I am getting a call monitor review from my senior tech, Derwood. Basically he listens to the call and grades me on how I did. I usually spend the time arguing one point or another. Not because I disagree necessarily, but it wastes time. Time that I don't have to spend on the phone helping some schmuck. Plus it is really fun giving Derwood a hard time.

For instance, he notes that I used the word 'wonky', and that I was lucky the customer was British so he knew what it meant.

"Don't you know what it means?"

"It's slang isn't it?" We are not suppose to use slang,

"Of course it is not, I would never use a slang word!"

I have no idea if it is slang or not, but I have a 50-50 chance that if it is not, he will change my score. So I act like I am absolutely certain and make him look it up. He heads to Merriam-Websters.

Drum roll please...

Main Entry: won·ky
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): won·ki·er; -est
Etymology: probably alteration of English dialect wankle, from Middle English wankel, from Old English wancol; akin to Old High German wankOn to totter -- more at WENCH
1 British : UNSTEADY, SHAKY
2 chiefly British : AWRY, WRONG

"Well it is mainly British, if he wasn't British he wouldn't know what it meant."

"I am not British and I know what it means." As I am speaking he is frantically googling 'wonky' for another definition. His eyes light up, he turns the screen so I can see the entry for Dictionary dot com and gives me an 'AH HA' look.

won·ky /'w??ki/
Pronunciation[wong-kee]–adjective, -ki·er, -ki·est.
1. British Slang.
a. shaky, groggy, or unsteady.
b. unreliable; not trustworthy.
2. Slang. stupid; boring; unattractive.

He says, "It's on the internet, so it must be true."

"Oh please, Dictionary dot com? I have never heard of them."

"Ok, you pick one."

"Ok, if this next one says adjective, you will change the score?" He is confident, he agrees. "Fine, check out Funk & Wagnalls." And I sit back, confident. He does not know what I know.

Main Entry: won·ky
Function: adjective
Etymology: probably alteration of English dialect wankle, from Middle English wankel, from Old English wancol; akin to Old High German wankOn to totter -- more at WENCH
1 British : UNSTEADY, SHAKY
2 British : AWRY, WRONG

As he is changing my score I am bursting to tell him that the site he chose when he searched for Funk & Wagnalls, took him to Britannica. When you search Britannica and choose dictionary, like he did, it pulls it from Websters. You will notice, although he did not, that it is the same, word for word.

Like shootin` fish in a barrel.

The absolute best part of this? As he closes the tool, I get a look at his desktop wallpaper and I lose it. I could not stop laughing. He is looking at me like I lost my mind, "What?"



"Crayons, priceless!" I continue to laugh, harder since he doesn't realize what it means.

"What? I think it's a cool picture." He still can't see why I would be laughing.

I can't stand it, I have to walk away. You can fill him in, Yvette.

Fade to black.

It was ten minutes til quittin' time and my phone rings. Someone upstairs hates me. After trying to beat the software to within an inch of its life, I realize I will I have to dig it out manually with a butter knife.

This is going to take forever. Wonder if a phone malfunction will go unnoticed? I look up, I am the only one on the phones and there is just one manager, So much for that idea. It would be like two guys in an elevator. One farts and everybody knows who did it.

2AM and I can't get one of my tools to work so I can't find the list of shit I need to remove from the registry, I look around, the place is empty and I swear to God I can hear crickets chirping. I give my head a shake, "You're losing it."

Finally finish ripping the software out of the computer with my bare hands at 3AM. Thank Fuck, I can get the hell out of here.

Again I hear the crickets chirping. Shouldn't there be some kind of haunting closing music as I fade to black? Who's delusion is this anyway? I say good night to the last manager standing.

ME: "Can you hear that?"

LAST MANAGER STANDING: Without looking up. "The chirping?"

Ya, guess I am not crazy after all, just in the middle of a bad movie.

I am just not an early bird.

Day two of the 7am - 3pm training. I get home and I am cranky. Get in a tiff with The Boy for something he did to me last night.

I remember him coming into my room and talking to me. I also vaguely remember trying to strangle him, but it appears he got away.

"What the hell did you wake me up for last night?"

"I came in to tell you that you left your coffee on the counter and microwaved the sugar bowl." (He is my straight man, we really should go on the road.)

I really don't give a shit if I catch the worm. I may not survive this day shift.

Longest night in history.

The day shift pooched our service level to the point where there was no getting out of it. This resulted in all of us sitting around all night twiddling our thumbs. There were no early releases. I did, however, talk them into giving me Friday off with pay so I get a long weekend before starting my 7am training.

In 8 hours I took 3 calls. Talk about boring.

CALL #1 - A tech from 'across the pond'. He was trying to transfer a customer to me with 8 year old software wondering why it wouldn't work on his just released this year, operating system. Dude, the software is 8 years old. You can't spin that vinyl on your MP3 player. Get real.

CALL #2 - Cox customer. Just spent 2 hours on the phone with Cox, they couldn't make his email work. Checked the settings, they were wrong. How does an ISP not know its own server name?

CALL #3 - Couple of nice guys, just had one question. New OS just released this year. Their email program keeps asking to enter the password. Yup, sorry. It is gonna do that every single time. Known issue, not fixing it. The software is 5 years old, we are done tinkering with it. Upgrade.

I milked the last call since they were pretty cool to talk to. "I was just talking to the OS guy for an hour. Why didn't he just tell me the software wasn't going to work with his OS?"

"Some people just can't bare to break bad news."

"You don't seem to have any problem with it."

"It's a gift."

Stupid people do not object to the stupid tax.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I was just talking to Charter for over an hour and they said this was an Orange issue." Fuck, every ISP says that.

"What's the issue?"

"I can't send or receive email." Ok, sounds like an Orange issue.

We go through the normal 'who the hell are you' shit and I ask him what anti virus program he is using, sometimes it is the security software that stops you from sending and receiving. He has no idea so we start rolling the mouse along the icons in the task bar.

"As you roll your mouse over them, read them to me."

"...messenger signed in ... java platform ... local area connection limited or no conectivity ..."

"Hold it!"

"What?"

"Local area connection? Limited or no connectivity? I take a beat, hoping he might clue into the fact that he isn't connected to the internet. No such luck.

"I think I know what the problem is."

He is amazed and it shows in his voice. "Really? Already?"

"Yes, open up your browser. Tell me what it says."

"Can't connect to the server."

I am equally amazed that this man had been on the phone for an hour with his ISP "And Charter never tested to see if you even had connection to the internet?"

"No, I told them I couldn't send or receive email and they said that was an Orange issue." Give me strength.

Five minutes later, I had power cycled his modem (not my job, Charter's) and was telling him I was refunding his credit card.

"Oh no! You don't need to do that, you fixed my email. You deserve that money."

"Uh, there was never anything wrong with your email. I am refunding your credit card." We don't charge a stupid tax.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not take advantage of the computer illiterate.

You heard me....training.

It is unbelievable, but I am heading into training ... again. I just started to get comfortable dealing with the product I support now and they decide I need to be trained for another. Not to say I won't be supporting the old product, they will just be adding this new one to the mix. And to add insult to injury, it starts at 7 AM.

FUCK - ME - GENTLY!

I think they might be secretly trying to kill me.

The Vonage Experiment.

I tried to cancel my Vonage. Seems like it would be a simple thing, call them up, say 'thanks, but no thanks' and that would be it. Right? No sir, you would be wrong.

My phone was so choppy that it took the guy (never did get a decent pronunciation on his name) 10 minutes to get my account information. Then he has the nerve to ask why I wanted to cancel.

"Uh, well, the voice is choppy, I can't get calls from certain area codes, and it cuts me off the internet at least twice a day."

"I'm sorry, I could not hear you."

"Exactly."

So he tells me that he will transfer me to accounts and billing. I get over there and speak with Marry Ann. I have to give her all the same information, including verify that I am who I say I am. Fifteen minutes later, she asks why I want to cancel.

"Are you kidding? I am calling you from my Vonage phone, how does it sound to you?"

"Oh, ya I guess." She giggles. "Well there will be a fifty dollar disconnection fee."

"Excuse me? You want me to pay you to disconnect a phone that works like this?" I had to repeat that 3 times before she got it all.

"Well, I can send you to tech support and if they can't fix it, they will put a note in the case saying they can't fix it and to waive the diconnection fee."

So off I go to tech support. At least that is where I think I am going. And I get Brenton, I again repeat all the account information to him including verifying my identity. (do any of these people take notes?) And let's not forget the stupid question, how can I help you?

"Uh, I think it's pretty obvious what my problem is."

"I am sorry, I missed that."

"Exactly."

"Well I will get you to a technician who can try and assist you." I thought he was the technician. I am not going to argue with him, I am getting cranky and it is not his fault, he has to follow stupid-ass redundant procedures.

He proceeds to transfer me and hangs up. Nice, just what I need. I have to start all over again.

Twenty minutes later I finally get to the actual technician, Kingston. Kingston, is from, but not necessarily located, across the pond. He also wants to verify all my information and that I am indeed who I claim to be. Who the fuck would go through all this hassle if they weren't a Vonage customer? I have no idea.

At this point I tell him, basically, I know you can't fix this issue, I have tried everything suggested on the website, I just need a note in the case so I can have the fee waived. He wants to try and fix it.

"Let us start by shutting off the computer." I do so. And the line is fine.

"Ok, but not really a solution, Kingston."

"Yes, but now we will find out what program is causing the problem."

"Ok, here is the thing. I know what program is causing it. But shutting down that program is not an option for me."

"But the phone will work..."

"Again, yes it will work if I stop doing what I do 24/7. I understand there is nothing wrong with the Vonage. What I am telling you is that it doesn't work for me."

"But..."

"I didn't say it didn't work, I said it didn't work for me. I don't think I should have to stop what I do in my daily life to accommodate the Vonage phone. It just doesn't work for me. If this does not work well with what I do day-to-day, then I shouldn't have to change my routine to suit the phone. I just need you to put a note in the case so they will waive the fee."

"But it does work."

"But it doesn't work for me." At this point I am willing to pay the fifty bucks just so I don't have to deal with this anymore and I tell him so.

"But I cannot say that it doesn't work, when it does."

"So you are telling me that if I want to use your service, I have to stop everything I am doing. Seems kind of fascist to me."

After going in circles for another half an hour, I agree to let him try something. He compresses my packets....no idea what that means.

"How about this, you put a note in the case that you tried. I will actually try this new setup for a few days, if it doesn't work I will call and cancel."

Honestly, if they want to charge me fifty bucks, so be it. The Vonage experiment is definitely over.

And Another Thing...

Find out more about Vonage:

Stock Massacre in the Making? Dump Vonage Now!
Vonage review
Court Rejects Vonage’s Request for Retrial of Verizon Patent Suit

They just continue to beat their dead horse.

W.O.W. people will get this.

How Geek Are You?

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I am a little disappointed, considering I am in tech support. I will have to work on this.

This shit warms my heart.

This thing made me laugh so loud I almost pissed myself.



Especially the part where he actually fixes the guys problem.

This one had me in stitches, I used to love these calls. I knew exactly what he was not doing but since he was being such a rude asshole, I would drag it out. Too fucking funny.