How freakin' cool is this?





I want one.

I am just not an early bird.

Day two of the 7am - 3pm training. I get home and I am cranky. Get in a tiff with The Boy for something he did to me last night.

I remember him coming into my room and talking to me. I also vaguely remember trying to strangle him, but it appears he got away.

"What the hell did you wake me up for last night?"

"I came in to tell you that you left your coffee on the counter and microwaved the sugar bowl." (He is my straight man, we really should go on the road.)

I really don't give a shit if I catch the worm. I may not survive this day shift.

Don't mind me.

We had a bit of a scare over the weekend. My mother, who is in a nursing home, had to be taken to the hospital. She has is was sepsis? I don't know how it is termed.

She was pretty out of it, didn't know the war was over. She also was experiencing apnea that pretty much freaked the hell out of everyone, especially my sister who, every time she stopped breathing would shake her. It was looking pretty grim. The troops had to be called in.

The priest was called in and gave her last rites. That was Saturday. I should have known she was getting better. At one point she was trying to get out of bed, babbling on about something incoherently, and I got annoyed and told her she wasn't going anywhere. She grabbed my hand and said, quite clearly, "Oh will you shut up!"

She has anger issues, I have no idea where she gets that.

By Sunday morning she was sitting up having a cup of tea checking the obituaries for her name. That priest has skills.

This little episode also granted me the privilege of yet another face-to-face with The Professor. He also has skills, he didn't make eye contact with me once. And apparently his children are trained well. I said hello to them and they looked right through me.

Whatever. They stayed their 20 minutes and then left. Big help to the rest of us who were trying to make sure Mom didn't spend too much time all alone. (And when I say 'the rest of us' I mean the females of our species.)

The Professor's Wife was actually pleasant. I guess she wasn't let in on the whole 'snub-the-sister' pact. I guess you have to be a blood relation.

Anyway, later that day, my cousin Diane showed up to visit.

SISTER: "The Professors Wife was here."
DIANE: "And?"
SISTER: "She was talking to the nurses, finding about Mom's condition."
ME: "Isn't that a 'conflict of interest'?" My sister ignores me.
DIANE: "Is she a nurse?"
ME: "No she's an occupational therapist... but she did stay at a Holiday Inn Select last night."

YOU ARE HERE - 05-27-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- zellers in timmins (Ontario) (#4)
- verizon web page counter doesn't work (Pennsylvania) (#2)
- can my son drive in florida with learners permit (New Jersey) (#10)
- house for sael in ab (Alberta) (#6)
- tim hortons Weight watchers double cream (Winnipeg) (#3)
- feminize fiance (New Jersey) (#4)
- facebook is evil (Ontario) (#2)
- how to get the dean martin celebrity roasts (Sweden) (#5)
- does tim hortons give free coffee if you return tray? (Alberta) (#9) Uh...no.

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Sparta Inc. (Lake Forest, California)
Herr Voss Stamco (Pennsylvania)
Ball State University (Indiana)
Kidd And Driscoll Advertising (Tallahassee)
Capto Financial Consulting (Sweden)
Manitoba Cancer Treatment And Research Facility (Winnipeg)
Hoyes Michalos & Associates (Kitchener, Ontario)
Univerzitet U Beogradu (Belgrade, Serbia And Montenegro)
The City Of Grande Prairie (Alberta)
Research In Motion Inc (Ontario)
Boston University (Massachusetts)
Covenant Retirement (Chicago)
Dell Computer Corporation (Round Rock, Texas)

Can You See Your House From Here?
Okay. So I caved. I will keep it going for a while. See how it goes.


HINT: Ever go watch football at Stadion Bežigrad?


Sorry, Google Earth doesn't have any up close images.

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Make a wish.

I was awakened in the middle of the night. Nature called.

I get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I don't bother turning on the lights, after all, this is a small apartment and I know where everything is, right? Right?

I walk through the living room, so far so good. Halfway through the kitchen I can see the outline of the bathroom door just past the entry. When I hit the threshold of the entry I realize my miscalculation. When making the decision to not turn the lights on I have failed to take into consideration the bane of my existence, that is, Sammy.

I know I have mentioned Sammy before. Need I remind you that Sammy is black? (Although he prefers African Canadian Feline. Yes, he is a snotty, PC cat.) For whatever retarded reason, Sammy decided that the best place to sleep tonight was in the middle of the direct route to the bathroom. I don't think he will make that mistake again, assuming he lives.

I digress. So, I can see the outline of the door and make a B-line. As I step through the last doorway I feel the softness under my foot. Then this mind splitting, earth shattering screech. It was low, guttural and then built up like one of those assholes with the cars blaring some asinine hip hop song that they just have to know that no one wants to hear besides them, but they still insist on playing full blast, knowing full well that all we will hear is the base until they are right beside us. Assholes! What was I talking about? Oh right, the cat.

So I feel the softness, then the softness gets hard and moves. Slow this down in your mind. Pitch blackness and the Fat Chick is about to go airborne. Sammy feels the weight and understandably tries to flee, sideways. My left foot is on the carpet my right foot is resting squarely on Sammy's midsection about to crush the life out of him. He zigs, and I zag. Seconds later, I am dangerously close to completing the splits. And believe me, limber is not a word you would ever use to describe me.

My mind snaps to attention, "There is no way you will survive the splits. They call it 'the splits' for a reason, fool, you will split." I need to reach for something, desperately I try to imagine what might be close. In my mind I can see the table in the entry, am I close enough to grab it? Of course not, I lurch forward to avoid the splits and I almost caught myself on the table, but the tips of my fingers barely touch it and I feel myself head for the floor. At the very least, the splits have been avoided but my mind snaps back to let me know that if my fingers missed the table then that means my forehead would not.

Thankfully, I am a procrastinator and there was a cardboard box with papers in it on the edge of the table so my forehead stuck that instead of the wood. Otherwise I would most definately be out cold. Please add cursing and swearing to the soundtrack of this little movie (definately not PG13)in your head and bare in mind, I am a fat chick so in no way was this even remotely graceful so you can just forget that Matrix visual.

The moral of the story is: If nature calls, hang up. Cuz pissing the bed is preferable to ending up in a coma after being snapped in half like a wishbone.

Longest night in history.

The day shift pooched our service level to the point where there was no getting out of it. This resulted in all of us sitting around all night twiddling our thumbs. There were no early releases. I did, however, talk them into giving me Friday off with pay so I get a long weekend before starting my 7am training.

In 8 hours I took 3 calls. Talk about boring.

CALL #1 - A tech from 'across the pond'. He was trying to transfer a customer to me with 8 year old software wondering why it wouldn't work on his just released this year, operating system. Dude, the software is 8 years old. You can't spin that vinyl on your MP3 player. Get real.

CALL #2 - Cox customer. Just spent 2 hours on the phone with Cox, they couldn't make his email work. Checked the settings, they were wrong. How does an ISP not know its own server name?

CALL #3 - Couple of nice guys, just had one question. New OS just released this year. Their email program keeps asking to enter the password. Yup, sorry. It is gonna do that every single time. Known issue, not fixing it. The software is 5 years old, we are done tinkering with it. Upgrade.

I milked the last call since they were pretty cool to talk to. "I was just talking to the OS guy for an hour. Why didn't he just tell me the software wasn't going to work with his OS?"

"Some people just can't bare to break bad news."

"You don't seem to have any problem with it."

"It's a gift."

Couldn't pay me to stay...so they pay me to leave?

We are heading into the slow season at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™. Not for the whole center but for my project in particular, summer is very slow. Early releases are rampant. Meaning, its slow so you can take the day off. Which is fine if you can use some vacation time that you have built up or barring that you can afford to take an unpaid day off. I can do neither.

I have no vacation time left accrued and I can't afford to take unpaid time off. I just can't. This is my rent check week. With this in mind, I head to work with absolutely no intention of leaving until my scheduled shift is over. Period.

The best laid plans:

5:00 - Sign into the phone. Sit and wait.
5:22 - Floor coordinator comes down the row with a clip board. "You wanna go home?" I think he is kidding. He is not. "Dude, I can't go home, I have only been here 22 minutes."
5:40 - A manager (not mine)comes up to me. "You wanna go home?" They are killing me, "No! I can't afford it, get away from me!"
6:00 - Take my first break.
6:15 - Back from break, my own manager is at my desk. "Want to extend your break? Til tomorrow at five?" Seems that no one will take an early release today. "NO! I can't afford it so stop asking."
6:25 - The Big Giant Head is walking around giving out suckers. He offers me one. "What do I have to do for it?" I was kidding. He says, "Nothing, you just have to go home." I decline the sucker, "What is it with you people?"
6:40 - Still no call. Another manager approaches me. "Before you even start, the answer is no!" He looks puzzled, "You don't want to go home?" I just shake my head, "I can't afford to go home." "But you can take paid time off?" "No, I don't have any vacation time accrued." "Wait for a moment." and he walks away.
6:50 - Manager returns, "Your approved." Wait just a minute, "You are going to pay me to go home?" "Yes." "You told him I have no vacation time accrued?" "Yes, he approved your pay." I am not falling for it. "Show me the paperwork, and I am outta here."
7:00 - I drank the koolaid.

Stupid people do not object to the stupid tax.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I was just talking to Charter for over an hour and they said this was an Orange issue." Fuck, every ISP says that.

"What's the issue?"

"I can't send or receive email." Ok, sounds like an Orange issue.

We go through the normal 'who the hell are you' shit and I ask him what anti virus program he is using, sometimes it is the security software that stops you from sending and receiving. He has no idea so we start rolling the mouse along the icons in the task bar.

"As you roll your mouse over them, read them to me."

"...messenger signed in ... java platform ... local area connection limited or no conectivity ..."

"Hold it!"

"What?"

"Local area connection? Limited or no connectivity? I take a beat, hoping he might clue into the fact that he isn't connected to the internet. No such luck.

"I think I know what the problem is."

He is amazed and it shows in his voice. "Really? Already?"

"Yes, open up your browser. Tell me what it says."

"Can't connect to the server."

I am equally amazed that this man had been on the phone for an hour with his ISP "And Charter never tested to see if you even had connection to the internet?"

"No, I told them I couldn't send or receive email and they said that was an Orange issue." Give me strength.

Five minutes later, I had power cycled his modem (not my job, Charter's) and was telling him I was refunding his credit card.

"Oh no! You don't need to do that, you fixed my email. You deserve that money."

"Uh, there was never anything wrong with your email. I am refunding your credit card." We don't charge a stupid tax.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not take advantage of the computer illiterate.

This one will make you cry.



You can stop it after 6:05. For some reason, this crayon tacked on a U2 song. Kinda disturbing.

You heard me....training.

It is unbelievable, but I am heading into training ... again. I just started to get comfortable dealing with the product I support now and they decide I need to be trained for another. Not to say I won't be supporting the old product, they will just be adding this new one to the mix. And to add insult to injury, it starts at 7 AM.

FUCK - ME - GENTLY!

I think they might be secretly trying to kill me.

I know you are there, I can hear you breathing.

I don't know, I guess it happens to me once a year. I start to get a little discouraged.

I post and post and post and except for Kelly or Nadine I figure no one is reading it, so why bother? The odd other person will pipe up once in a while but I get the feeling I am talking to myself.

That is not to say I would stop posting. It just gets a little maddening. I can see that there are people reading it, and going to the archives and sitting in front of the computer and reading for hours sometimes. I know people are reading it, that is not the issue. The issue is, that most of my readers are lurkers.

The problem with lurkers is that they breed more lurkers. If someone comes by and sees that no one comments, then they will not comment either. It doesn't matter that they have returned 15 times in the past 2 days, they continue to not comment.

I get anywhere from 800 to 1300 unique visitors per month but only a very few ever comment. If you are one of these lurkers, I encourage you to show yourself. Gather up some courage to say hello. I don't bite, I swear to God.

Tell me a bit about yourself - who you are, where you’re from, what you do, or just say hi it really doesn't matter what you say. Hopefully, this will let you get to know some of the other lurkers and maybe give you a couple hits for your own site.

Comments from all visitors are welcome. Seriously, every comment does not have to be profound...just say hi.

YOU ARE HERE - 05-20-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-meridia (Redmond, Washington)(#??) Happens all the time. Search bot. I am pretty sure I have never used the word meridia in this blog, ever.
-how much money can a uk national sister-in-law send to her indian brother-in-law (Delhi)(#8) I don't know...but now I am interested.
-you are an asshole translated to italian (Massachusetts)(#7)A valuable phrase to learn in any language. Incidentally, I believe it is "Lei è un cretino." Glad I could help.
-sikta spruce picture (Florida)(#2)No idea what that is.
-and another thing (Washington)(#11)I don't even make the first page.
-naked picture unblocked by information centre (Sudan)(#10) Sorry to waste your time, Dude.
-frozen jaw (Mumbai, India)(#10)
-Iowa population maps that are good and not bad maps (Orange County)(#3)It's good to be specific, I guess.
-"hold her down" shot butt nurses (Italy)(#2)Probably not exactly what he was looking for.
-someone bought for 70,000 dollars (Pennsylvania)(#7)
-what makes a person who they are? (Australia)(#?) God, I wish I knew.
-is there a fee to cancel vonage? (New Jersey)(#8)And the answer is yes, in my case it was $49.99.
-what does shmily mean? (California)(#8)See How Much I Love You.
-Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April (Markham, Ontario)(#4) This was on the entrance exam for tech support. Her second child was named May, what is the name of her third child? Believe it or not, people got it wrong.

Honestly I am getting a bit grossed out over the amount of porn searches that end up here. No wonder no one comments. There are a lot of one handed typists out there. Most of it is pretty sick, and I am just going to try and pretend you aren't out there.

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Access Cable Television (Dartmouth, Nova Scotia)
Delta Air Lines (Atlanta, Georgia)
Orange County Department Of Education (California)
First American Membership Services (Des Moines, Iowa)
Greenwich House (New York, New York)
Dartmouth College (Hanover, New Hampshire)
California Institute Of Technology (Pasadena)
Future Shop Ltd (Burnaby, BC)
Mail Boxes Etc (Laguna Hills, California)
United States Postal Service (New York)
Integrated Health Associates (Claremont, California)
Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program (Los Angeles)
Shimadzu Corporation (Japan)
42nd Communication Squadron (Mcchord, Washington)
Nova Scotia Research Foundation Corporation (Canada)
Royal Bank Of Canada (Toronto)
Dynetics Inc (Huntsville, Alabama)
Aria Rasana Tadbir (Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran)

Can You See Your House From Here?
I think this will be the last week for this feature. I have been doing it for the last eight weeks and only one person ever responded. (Thanks Diana) Even though I specifically targeted places that I knew I had return visitors from. In case anyone is interested, here are the featured places for the last eight weeks:

03-25-07 - Windsor, Ontario
03-31-07 - Winston Salem , NC
04-08-07 - Ogden, Utah
04-15-07 - The Two-fer - St. Joseph, Michigan and Minneapolis, Minnesota
04-22-07 - Toronto, Ontario
04-29-07 - New York, New York
05-06-07 - Hamilton, New Jersey
05-13-07 - Whitehorse, YK

Any-who. This will be the last one, so here goes and its a Two-Fer.


HINT:Ever cheer on your cricket team at Chinnaswamy or spend the day at the Jawaharlal Nehru Planetarium?

HINT: When was the last time you caught a movie at the Empire Drive-in?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

These guys are halarious.



Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs Rhymenocerous.

Prepare yourself to be awed and amazed.

The guitar is in the building.

Picked up The Boy's new guitar today. Ya, I know, there will be no thanks for that but I am a sucker. I know this about myself and I am okay with it.

The first order of business is to get him to learn the song from the second video in yesterday's post. New Again - Brad Paisley and Sara Evans. I am addicted to it. I will make sure he records it so I can post it.

Now I am broke. Pretty good, it took me til 11am this time to blow the whole paycheck. Personal record.

It's just that easy.



On a more serious note, here is one you probably won't hear on the radio, but it is beautiful. Brad Paisley and Sara Evans.

There ought to be a stupid tax.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

I ask her name and case number and then, like an idiot, I ask her how she is today. Big mistake.

"I am totally DISGUSTED!"

"Excuse me?"

"I went away for a couple of days and they changed my email program, it used to be LookOut Quick, now its just LookOut two zero zero something. They just took it off my computer."

"Who is 'they'?"

"ORANGE OF COURSE!" Oh dear God. This crayon totally thinks this is possible. I mean, it might be, but who do these people think they are? You think we just sit around and say, 'Oh ya, Joan Schmoe from ButtFuck Nowhere, we need to fuck up her computer. It's on the schedule.' Why do they imagine we give a shit?

People think they are being hacked all the time? Do you know how rare that is? If I was a hacker? Why would I waste my time hacking some idiot gas station attendant, who can't even turn his computer on half the time, when there are banks out there? Or something interesting like the FBI or the DMV?

While I am trying to get her case to come up, I go for the obvious. You wouldn't believe how many times you have to cram the obvious down someones throat.

"Ok, let's see if we can do something. Can I get you to click start and then all programs?"

"Ok." Under her breath, "Un-fuckin-believable."

"Do you see LookOut Quick?"

"Ya."

"Click on it, did it open?" You can hear her brain catching up to her.

"Oh for heaven's sake."

"It will say it is not your default email, when it asks if you want to make it the default, say yes."

"Is that all there is to it?"


"Uh huh. I will refund your credit card, since there was absolutely nothing wrong with your computer." Should be a stupid tax, but I will take pity on her, since I can imagine she is in her closet wearing a tinfoil hat.

You can't kick a stupid person, it just wouldn't be right. With any luck she will stop buying Orange and switch to Apple...be their brain tumor for a while.

You know what's sad?

That my own brother thinks he is just too good to speak to me. You remember, the one who deleted me from Facebook because I didn't converse with him like he was some stranger. He actually told my sister that he could not 'subject' himself or his family to me. Out of all the siblings, it's me he is most offended by? If you knew our family history you might find that very difficult to believe. It's mind boggling.

Who exactly does he think he is? It is pretty sad when your own brother lives astride such a high horse that he can't haul his ass off it long enough to 'deal' with his own sister. I knew he had a superiority complex, but I just didn't think he would slap me in the face with it quite this hard.

It is just incomprehensible (Ya, that is a 6 syllable word...surprisingly, I am not a moron.)that he and I came from the same family. He would probably like to think that we do not, but we do. I am not a perfect person, but if you ask my friends, I am one of the best you could have. I would never pretend that I like you just to be polite, I am real and I am not afraid to call bullshit when someone tries to shovel it in my face. I have a long memory and a short fuse. Without that, I may have ended up at the bottom of a bottle like my father. I don't say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to their faces. (Can you say the same, Dave?)

I am not a perfect mother, and I don't have a degree from some fancy college, but The Boy has never wanted for anything. He knows, not supposes, he knows how proud I am of him and every day he knows without a doubt that he is loved. And you know what? I wouldn't trade that for a degree in astrophysics and a fancy house on a cal-de-sac.

You can look down your nose at me, Dave, but I am happy. Can you say the same? I feel sorry for you that you can't have a real conversation with anyone. Maybe you watch too much Oprah, I don't know.

You go ahead with your 'polite' impersonal conversations with the rest of the family, send your form letters, exchange those air kisses over cocktails. I know where you grew up. I am your sister and I love you anyway. Even though you think I am too low brow for you, I was always proud to call you my brother. Sorry you can't say the same about me.

It's just sad.

Face Crack.

The dude actually did it. Turn out was good and the Frisco stayed till the tattoo was finished and beyond, I think. This is the artwork that they settled on. Much better than the mug shot.

Below is some video of the event, I am sure there will be plenty more where that came from, he won't be able to forget this little stunt any time soon.

The Boy has absolutely no vision.

The Boy thinks I have lost my mind. I saw these on sale at the local grocery store.

"Wow, look at the price of these sods!"

"What are sods?"

"Grass. 16 inches by 48 inches...for less than a buck fifty each! I'm getting some."

"We live on the second floor, what are you going to do with grass?"

"What do you mean? I'm gonna put it on the deck." I start calculating how many I would need.

"Can't you just picture it? The whole deck covered in grass. So cool. Let's see, the deck is 14 by 8 with that L shape at the side..."

"You're insane."

Kill joy starts debating me:

You can't put grass over wood, it will die.
I will water it.
It drinks from the roots.
I will lay plastic down first.
You're insane.

"Ya, that last part does seem like a lot of work. And if I do get it to grow I would eventually need to mow it." Starting to sound less appealing. "I just remembered the cats, they will no doubt shit on it." May have to rethink this.

"And people will think you are nutts."

Suddenly, I have an epiphany. "Holy shit, I've got it! I will buy two sods, lay them in cookie sheets. That way I can water them and they won't die, and if I need to mow them I will just use scissors. Oh ya, this is gonna be great!"

"Two?"

I look at him like he has two heads. "Duh...one for each foot."

He shakes his head, "Insane."

"You laugh now, but this time next week, I will be sitting on my deck with grass between my toes."

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day. What did I get? Well the boy geared up the BBQ for me. Filled the tank and bought dogs and buns.

YOU ARE HERE - 05-13-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

-his nice new suit (Illinois)(#4)
-tim hortons drive thru smo (Ontario)(#?)
-hangy thing chicken (Maine)(#1)
-piss floor clothes counter (Texas)(#?)
-fat chick syndrome (Florida)(#8)
-layne thrasher ballpark (California)(#1 and 2) Sorry dude, Layne Thrasher is a writer, I am pretty sure he/she doesn't have a ballpark named after them.
-how many calories is in a large tim horton's french vanilla coffee (Alberta)(#8) If you have to ask, it's way too many.
-design evel tower (Jordan)(#8) Now we are just going around in circles, a search that finds a search result.
-how to press the space bar really fast (Michigan)(#2) For real?
-chuck norris random fact igoogle (Georgia)(#5) I love that thing.
-cry baby wha-wha pedal (Australia)(#5) The Boy cried for it, now it sits in the corner and cries alone. Lots of crying, not much playing.
-naked nude ausie men (Washington, DC)(#8)Wish I could help you, Dude. FYI, Naked and Nude....same thing.
-naked kilts (UK)(#3)Was not aware that inatamate objects could be naked.
-indian blogs on mothers day (Italy)(#?)

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Hewlett-packard Company (Vancouver, Washington)
Zee Telefilms Ltd (India)
Technische Universitaet Dresden (Germany)
Unicorn Financial (Illinois)
Apple Computer Inc (Sacramento, California)
Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program (Los Angeles, California))
United Parcel Service (Hawthorne, New Jersey)
Stanford University Network (Palo Alto, California)
Whirlpool Corporation (Benton Harbor, Michigan)
Google Inc (New York)
Columbus Air Force Base (Warner Robins, Georgia)
Hamilton-clermont Cooperative Assn (New York)
Chapman University (Orange, California)
University Of Maryland (College Park)
Dynamic Pools (France)

Can You See Your House From Here?




HINT: Ever grab a bite at the Blackstone Cafe Two? Or Sanchez Cantina?

Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.