And another thing...

No one would ever suspect that she didn't belong.

Years ago my brother was working at a home for ... how to put this delicately? What am I saying, this is me, you aren't really expecting delicate are you?

As kids we called it the loony bin. Not criminally insane people, just insane. I am sure there is some politically correct word for it, but these people are probably too nuts to be offended.

Anyway, my brother is working there and every year they have a garden party. A little get together with family and residents. Open to the public so, you know, they can see that these people are harmless and thus they don't need to be afraid that there is a huge building full of them within walking distance and they can put the torches back in storage.

So, this one year he invites my mother to attend and she informs me that I am taking her. What the hell was my brother thinking? He has met her, hasn't he?

As we are making our way to the festivities, I warn her, "If you say anything to anyone, I will leave you here."

"What are you talking about, its a party, I will have to speak to people."

"You know what I mean."

No sooner was it out of my mouth when she spots her first victim and in an inappropriately loud voice she stops and points, "Oh Look! They have midgets!" Like she's just arrived at the circus or something.

I close my eyes praying for the ground to swallow me. "Mom, he works here. And I am pretty sure they don't like to be called midgets."

"So, what do you call them?"

"How about, 'the guy who works here'. Why do you have to call them anything?"

I find her a chair and get her a plate of food. Maybe stuffing her pie-hole will get us through this day alive.

As we sit enjoying the food and the entertainment, a man walks over to us. He is clearly a resident. He is an older man, with long white hair wearing only pajama bottoms and slippers.

Under my breath, "What now?"

He walks up to my mother and lays his plate at her feet. He then proceeds to get on all fours and eat it like a dog. Complete with wagging of non-existent tail.

My mother turns to me, she inhales as if to say something.

I stop her, "One fucking word and I swear to god, I will find you a room in this place."