Annual Christmas Wing Night!

Scheduled for December 15th.

No I am not tearing the wings off angels and eating them.

One of my oldest friends and I started a tradition many moons ago. For her birthday, which is the end of November, we do a wing night. She loves my wings, they are one of the few things I can actually cook without poisoning people (I have no idea why). The tradition includes an evening of decorating the Christmas tree (if I haven't already done so), gorging on wings and watching Christmas Movies (the cheesier the better).

Every year we try and add a new movie if there is a decent one out there, but we usually end up watching the same ones. It's a Wonderful Life, Santa Clause and Scrooged. So this year I decided to try and find a new one to throw into the mix.

I am told this is a list of every Christmas movie ever made. I am not sure about some of the movies listed. The Godfather? A Christmas movie? I have linked to the full list but I will be deleting the ones not truly Christmas movies. I have left the ones with 'Christmas' in the title, unless the plot has little to do with the season. I am also deleting the ones that were filmed before my mother was born, that's a little too retro, even for me.

How many have you seen? Can you recommend a favorite that is off the beaten path, but you feel I should see?

All I Want for Christmas (1991)
American Christmas Carol, An (TV) (1979)
Babes in Toyland (1934)(1961)(1986)
Bad Santa (2003) This was one of the worst movies I have ever had to sit through.
Bells of St. Mary's, The (1945) Oh, I had forgotten about this one, I love Bing.
Best Christmas Pageant Ever (1983) (TV)
Beyond Tomorrow (1940)
Bishop's Wife, The (1947)
Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988) (TV)
Bush Christmas (1947)(1983)
Captain's Christmas, The (1938)
Carol for Another Christmas (1964) (TV)
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
Christmas Box, The (1995) (TV)
Christmas Carol, A (1917) (1938) (1951) (1954) (1972) (1984) (1995) I have seen pretty much every version even the Muppets.
Christmas carol The Musical, A (2004) (TV)
Christmas Comes to Willow Creek (1987) (TV)
Christmas Comes but Once a Year (1936)
Christmas Eve (1947)(1986)
Christmas Gift, The (1986) (TV)
Christmas Holiday (1944)
Christmas in Connecticut (1945)(1992)I love this one, I have seen both versions.
Christmas in July (1940)
Christmas Kid, The (1967)
Christmas Lilies of the Field (1979) (TV)
Christmas Miracle in Caulfield, U.S.A. (1977) (TV)
Christmas Mountain (1980)
Christmas on Division Street (1991) (TV)
Christmas Romance, A (1994) (TV)
Christmas Stallion, The (1992) (TV)
Christmas Star, The (1986) (TV)
Christmas Story, A (1983) Who hasn't?
Christmas That Almost Wasn't, The (1966)
Christmas to Remember, A (1978) (TV)
Christmas Toy, The (1990) (TV)
Christmas Tree, The (1969)
Christmas Vacation '91 (1992)
Christmas Visitor, The (1987) (TV)
Christmas Wife, The (1988) (TV)
Christmas Without Snow, A (1980) (TV)
Christmas With the Kranks (2004)I haven't actually seen this one yet, but I plan to.
Die Hard (1988)I leave this one, only because I love it. I don't think my friend will go for it though.
Don't Open Till Christmas (1985) This is a slasher film. WTF?
Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)(2000)
Dream for Christmas, A (1973) (TV)
Ebbie (1995) (TV) Surprisingly good for Lucci.
Elf (2003) Funny.
Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (1977) (TV)
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
Frosty the Snowman (1969) (TV)
Fourth Wise Man, The (1985) (TV)
Gathering, Part II, The (1979) (TV)
Gathering, The (1977) (TV)
Gift of Love: A Christmas Story, The (1983) (TV)
Guess Who's Coming for Christmas? (1990) (TV)
Hobo's Christmas, A (1987) (TV)
Holiday Affair (1949)
Holiday Inn (1942)
Holly and the Ivy, The (1952)
Home Alone (1990)
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Home Alone 3 (1997)
Home for Christmas (1949)
Home for the Holidays (1972) (TV) Another slasher film, this is getting creepy.
Homecoming - A Christmas Story, The (1971) (TV) Gotta love the Waltons.
House Without a Christmas Tree, The (1972) (TV) Jason Robards is the Christmas movie go-to guy. He is in more than a few of these listed.
I'll Be Home for Christmas (1988) (TV)
I'll Be Seeing You (1944)
It Came Upon the Midnight Clear (1984) (TV)
It Happened One Christmas (1977) (TV) Reworking of the 1947 classic "It's A Wonderful Life"
It Nearly Wasn't Christmas (1989) (TV)
It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
Jingle All the Way (1996)
Kid Who Loved Christmas, The (1990) (TV)
Life & Adventures of Santa Claus, The (1985) (TV)
The Little Drummer Boy Book II (1976) (TV)
The Little Drummer Boy (1968) (TV)
Man in the Santa Claus Suit, The (1978) (TV)
Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence (1983) David Bowie as a POW, how do these things make these lists? Just because of the name?
Mickey's Christmas Carol (1984)
Midnight Clear, A (1991)
Miracle on 34th Street (1947)(1973)(1994)
Mixed Nuts (1994)
Mom for Christmas, A (1990) (TV)
Mr. Krueger's Christmas (1980) (TV)
Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962)
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey Nestor (1977) (TV)
The Night Before Christmas(1994)
Night They Saved Christmas, The (1984) (TV)
Nightmare Before Christmas, The (1993)
Nutcracker (1982)(1993)
Nutcracker, The Motion Picture (1986)
One Christmas (1994) (TV)
One Magic Christmas (1985)
La Pastorela (1991) (TV)
Pinocchio's Christmas (1980) (TV)
Pluto's Christmas Tree (1952)
Polar Express, The (2004)
Prancer (1989)
Prancer Returns (1998)
Pups' Christmas, The (1936)
The Ref (1994)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) (TV)
Santa Claus (1959)
Santa Claus, The Movie (1985)
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (1970) (TV)
Santa Clause, The (1994)
Santa Clause 2, The (2002)
Scrooge (1935)(1951)(1970) I watch this in any version.
Scrooged (1988) One of the favorites.
Shanty Where Santa Claus Lives, The (1933)
Smoky Mountain Christmas, A (1986) (TV) Dolly is Christmas.
The Snowman (1982)
Story of the First Christmas Snow, The (1975) (TV)
Sunshine Christmas (1977) (TV)
To Grandmother's House We Go (1992) (TV)
Very Brady Christmas, A (1988) (TV)
White Christmas (1954) Never miss it.
Year Without a Santa Claus, The (1974) (TV)
Yes Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus (1991) (TV)
Young Pioneers' Christmas (1976) (TV)

I have to admit, I had to google a lot of these films (you know, to jog my memory). Some of them them, I have earmarked to see in the future, but some are down-right depressing. I wonder how so many slasher films made the cut?

And even though the site says this is 'Every' Christmas Movie Ever Made, I think it is missing some. Any suggestions?

Long may she reign.

We had our first really cold night last night here in Nova Scotia. It wasn't so much that it was colder but the winds were high, so it was coming in through every crack of this old house.

I came home from work last night and the boy was holed-up in his room, the rest of the house was freezing. It was the teeth-chattering, bone-chilling type of cold. The heat was on, but I had just one problem ... procrastination. (Procrastination is a country to which I am their Queen)


You see, no amount of heat blasting through the vents could compensate for the freezing winds coming from in and around (don't laugh) the air conditioner.

I know, your supposed to take those suckers out of the window for the winter but, as I stated earlier, I was busy with the duties of the Monarchy.

So now I am sitting in a walk-in freezer. What to do? I can't take it out of the window now, it's too cold. Mind you, had I decided to go this route, I would have been warm in under an hour. Fearing a coup d'état from my loyal subjects, I soldier on.

I dig out an old electric blanket someone gave me years ago. (It was so much bigger when I wasn't such a fat chick.) More trouble than it was worth. I refuse to abdicate, on to plan B.

Back when I was living in the camper, I had a portable heater. I dig that out and sit for another hour at the computer with one side of my body freezing and the other getting a heat rash. Not good for the royal Christmas card photos.

Finally I crack. I grab my trusty staple gun (I love that thing) and dig out an area rug that I had bought for the bathroom. It was not pretty but ten seconds later the winter was blocked out. However, by that time I was exhausted and went to bed anyway.

So today, its beautiful outside. The question is: Will I take this opportunity to pack up the air conditioner?

Long live the Queen.

FREEDOM!

I am finally completely free of the boy. On my computer at least.

Merry Christmas! The boy is now set up with everything essential. The accessories are not very pretty, but he has what he needs. Even internet.

We thought it might take a bit for me to get the wireless router, but the boy found old cable from years ago and he hardwired the internet. The geek doesn't fall far from the exponential tree.

Now for Xmas I can get the little things to wrap under the tree. But if he knows what it is, he will torture me endlessly ask me once, and I will give it to him.

It has always been that way. I am still a kid, and I still get a bigger thrill opening the presents before Christmas. It's like your getting away with something, then you think...Hey! I'm in charge here!

Jesus! Who put me in charge?

Almost half and half.

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Close, except for the dogs and sports.

Like a scene from Home Alone.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Tech Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

I get no response, but I hear people in the background. Not unusual since a lot of people put the phone down when they are on hold for a long time. So, we wait.

The voices are raised, two, possibly three people. They are having an argument.

WOMAN "You have GOT to calm down! Screaming at them is not going to get you anywhere!"

MAN: "I will scream if I want, this fucking piece of shit! They deserve everything they are going to fucking get!"

Holy Shit! I am in for it now. It goes on and the woman is trying to calm the man down. I am debating whether I just hang the phone up or call to them and let them know I am there.

Fuck that! I am in the mood for an asshole with an attitude.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

I hear rustling, someone is picking up the phone.

"Oh! Wait! Wait! I am so sorry!" She is hurried, like she thinks she may have missed me. "This is Shirley, I am here." The sweetest, gentlest, little southern accent you have ever heard. "Just let me turn the TV down. It was keeping me company while I waited."

Relief washes over me."Oh Shirley, you don't know how good it is to hear your voice. All I could hear is the TV."

She realizes the scene she had been watching, "Oh, my land, was there lots of 'F' words, I am so sorry."

"No worries, Shirley. I am just relieved the guy from the TV didn't pick up the phone."

We laughed like idiots.

...you live in Nova Scotia.

Sent to me in an email.(not to be confused with You Might Be a Redneck)

If your local Motels are closed from September through May, you live in Nova Scotia.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Nova Scotia.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Nova Scotia.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Nova Scotia.

You know you're a Nova Scotian when: "Vacation" means going any where beyond Digby for the weekend.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Nova Scotia. . . well, of course!

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Nova Scotia

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Nova Scotia

If you can drive 100 km/h through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Nova Scotia

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave them both unlocked, you live in Nova Scotia

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife/daughter knows how to use them, you live in Nova Scotia

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Nova Scotia

If the speed limit on the highway is 100 km/h and you're going 110 km/h and everybody is passing you, you live in Nova Scotia

The driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow... you live in Nova Scotia

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Nova Scotia

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Nova Scotia

If you find 0 degrees "a little chilly.", you live in Nova Scotia

If you actually understand these jokes....You are true a Nova Scotia citizen!

Work in Progress

Template Experiment #1.

Getting bored with the blog layout and have 2 days off.

As long as the computer does not crap out on me, I will be working on some different templates. And for the love of God, if you know where I can get a decent template, please share.

What do you think of this one?

Jesus could have, just as easily, been a Scorpio.

I am this close to getting our new computers up and running.

I promised the boy a new computer for Christmas. Mind you, we are true kids and we fly in the face of tradition.

That said, as soon as I have all the parts together (which should be this Sunday), it's Christmas.

Ya, ya, ya...I know, but they can't decide when Jesus was actually born, so who's to say it wasn't 2006 years ago this weekend?

Remember

Take the time to share a smile and a nod with a veteran today.

Be thankful, and remember.

Things...

- Telling a wasp/hornet/bumble bee to fuck off does not dissuade them from stinging you. Somehow, they just don't give a shit or they simply refuse to learn English. I say if they are going to live in this country, they should learn the language.
- Sometimes 'E' actually means empty.
- The second you loan your bootable xp disk to someone, you will get a blue screen of death.
- Subsequently, when you get the blue screen of death, your geek will be out of town.
- Seconds after you make the decision to finally backup, your hard drive will fail!
- Seagulls will fly 60 miles inland for MacDonald's french fries.
- No good deed goes unpunished.
- Mac people have a superiority complex and a false sense of security.
- Old boyfriends never die, they just pop out of nowhere when you have a booger hanging from your nose.
- Ok, a couple of mine did die, but I am pretty sure I had nothing to do with it.
- It really is all about me.
- Best way to a man's heart? Straight through the sternum.
- Cats will eat your face when you are dead.
- Every time you call tech support, a kitten dies.
- I hate the fact that you people don't salute me.
- Farting in a hot shower won't necessarily kill you. It will, however, make you wish you were dead.

And I am pretty sure the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about.

A little something for the Grog-meister.

You know, so I can keep up with Homer.

Hold the pickle.

Today was my worst day in tech support.

Today, I couldn't fix a sandwich.

In keeping with tradition.

We got the first snow of the season tonight. It wasn't enough to take a picture of, but it was still the first snow, and must be celebrated.

Tradition dictates that we must feast. And everyone knows the traditional feast for the first snow is ...



Pizza, of course.

Someone remembered my birthday!

Recieved this in an email this morning.

She is just so thoughtful.

Too fuckin' funny! In any language.

Indian Thriller: Is it just me or does it seem like the 'star' is having a seisure?



Turkish Star Trek : Discribed as having the 'gayest' Captain Kirk ever.



And this one freaks me the fuck out!!!



I am not sure if it is the dancing or the fact that he smokes and talks like a chipmunk.

I am warning you!

I am halfway through watching the Lake House and I had to stop and write this.

I swear to God that if Keanu turns out to be the guy who got hit by the bus at the first of this movie I will shoot myself in the face!

And another thing...

Luckily for me (and my face) she changed the past. Keanu lives!

CSI Miami, new drinking game.

Every time Horatio Caine strikes a pose - everybody drinks!



I will bet my left nut that you can't stay conscious for the whole show. If the boredom doesn't get you the shear volume of alcohol consumed most definitely will.

And no need to worry if you can't find a show. Miami is on Spike for 6 hours a day. I didn't know there was that many episodes but apparently there is, so drink up!

Attica! Attica!

Again I say, just because your paranoid does not mean everyone is not out to get you.

A while back I told you about the Joh.n How.ard Conspiracy. Well, the boy is in it again. But this time I am not letting it go.

To refresh your memory, the boy was 'caught' drinking underage.

I honestly thought nothing would come of it. For starters, the cop never had to get off his fat ass and chase my juvenile delinquent down. The boy was not harassing the store clerk or vandalizing property. Hell, you couldn't even smell the beer on his breath. (Believe me, I checked.) He was asked a question by a man in authority and he told the truth. (I know, I know, I have tried to talk to him) I would bet my life on the fact that there is not one cop in that precinct that didn't have a beer before he was legal.

The cop never tested him, never got him or me to sign anything. I thought they were just doing me a favor, putting a little jolt into the boy and putting the experimental drinking part of his adolescence off for a couple of years.

Ya think? Guess not. I don't hear from the cops after that. What I do get is a letter in the mail from the John Howard Society, telling me that my sons case was referred to them. What? What fucking case? He was never charged. Now they are bypassing me all together? No fucking way!

At that very moment my son was scrubbing scuff marks off the YMCA gym floor as part of his community service from the last fiasco with the JHS.

I get on the horn with the JHS director. I lost it with him. I was so enraged, I couldn't tell you what I said or when but here are the finer points:

"What the hell scam are you people trying to pull now?"

"You guys seem to be working together to justify your existence, and get slave labour for your friends in the process. Not this time mister!"

"If you want the boy this time, you are going to have to work for him. That cop is going to have to get off his fat ass and spend the day at the courthouse with me. And he better have his shit together, because I will be accompanied by a lawyer who I will pay to have his shit together."

"This will NOT be a slam dunk and I may even counter with a harassment charge since every time my son farts in that town he gets picked up."

"I will be calling you in as well, It will be interesting to know how many kids have gone through this restorative justice thing and ended up doing community service and just how many times they have had to go through it." (He had told us the first time we were there that this was a one chance thing. This will make three times for the boy.)

"I thought the cop was doing me a favor, but all he is teaching my son to do is lie to them." (Previously the same town cops coerced him into confessing to something he didn't do by threatening to fine him. He confessed and nothing came of it.)"So far he tells the actual truth and he gets community service."

"I will gladly pay a fine, after I get my day in court. The next stop will be the papers. I think people should know about this little arrangement you have with the police. Since you are publicly funded, I wonder if people are aware of how their tax dollars are spent prosecuting kids for drinking a beer, when a week before they still hadn't found the guy who beat the hell out of some old man and stole his car."

I have visions of "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" I am pumped.

Unfortunately for me, the boy won't join the program. I am all Norma Rae, and he is all don't make waves. He called the JHS and agreed to go through the program. I think he and his friend actually enjoyed the community service. It was a way to volunteer without being a nerd.

I am not dropping it though, I will be at the meeting with the cop and the JHS. I will voice my opinion 'on the record'. I will also be composing a letter to the editor. I think this is a issue that needs to be addressed. People need to know that this shit is going on. These cops are cooking their 'crimes solved' books with the help of a publicly funded organization without ever having to actually solve crimes.

These are our tax dollars at work, and I for one am sick of paying twice for a job not done.

Janis might have bigger problems.

I am really concerned with the mental state of Maggie. I had thought before that she was just quiet, but recent events make me suspect that she might be a sociopath.

Janis is still not back to work, so it was quite a surprise when the social commity put on a Prettiest Pet contest and Janis' dog was one of the pets.

Maggie entered Janis' dog in the contest...I kid you not.

I don't actually speak to Maggie anymore, I am afraid what I might say. And since I only see her at work, it might be a problem if we get into it. That being said, I still have her on messenger.

As I was talking to Janis one day, I notice Maggie coming online. I glance over and she has Janis' dog as a buddy icon. I thought that I must be mistaken, but Janis has the same picture as her buddy icon.

I Don't know what other reason she would have for putting it there except to torment Janis.(who probably still has her in messenger)

It gets better.

She told one of Janis' friends that she can't understand why Janis doesn't just go back to (the province she was originally from) so Maggie and the husband could be happy.

Janis' friend was shocked, all she could do was walk away.

So, here we are, today. I open up messenger and glance over at Maggie's nick. At first all I see is "Why is it that...".

That gets me interested so I open it up to see the rest.

Maggie's nick says "Why is it that some people just can't do what they know is best?"

I immediately changed mine to - "Are 'some people' on fucking crack?"

It didn't take her long to change it to something incautious.

If she wants to play mind games, I am all in.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't know if you will remember. A while back I spoke of a friend's husband who died, and the trouble my fiend was having.

During this time, Maggie, was alone. She had no family in the area, but she did have one really good friend, we will call her Janis.

I have to tell you a little about Janis. She is that person. The one who wouldn't say shit if she had a mouth full of it. She is thoughtful and unselfish. And not just for her close friends. I just know her from work. We don't hang out or anything, but I consider her a friend. Janis knows I don't cook, so whenever she cooks a turkey (she does this often, and I once mentioned that I rarely do) she brings me a turkey sandwich. Just because. I also mentioned one time that I missed Lime Rickey (it is one of those drinks you had as a kid but they don't sell anymore) and while she was in another province, she saw that they sold it and brought me back a bottle. These are but a few examples, but you get the idea.

Janis was very supportive, helping Maggie with the day to day stuff. She was there for her from the time they heard Maggie's man was sick, even taking off work to help Maggie deal after he died. Taking up a collection at work to help Maggie financially. Maggie was having trouble with the ex-wife and was not sure if she was going to lose her house. At one point she had to move out of it (not sure why) she had no where to go, so (of course) Janis and her husband took her in.

Janis went above and way beyond, that is just the kind of person she is.

And what do you suppose Janis got for her trouble?

Maggie paid her back by fucking her husband, that's what.

Shocked? I know I was. How do you kick a person in the teeth after they put their life on hold to help you pick up the pieces of yours?

It wasn't me!

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Tech Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ok, don't laugh." I love it when they say that. You can pretty much guarantee it after an intro like that.

"My daughter downloaded Lim.ewi.re."

"Oh Kay." Like I am still waiting for the punchline. What is the big deal?

"I am a federal agent."

"OK!" Mute the phone.

"You promised you wouldn't laugh."

"Sorry, couldn't help myself." He is laughing too. Until we get to the bottom of the problem he is actually calling in on.

Once he realized what she had done to his laptop, he knew he had to get rid of it. This thing gets audited regularly. In his fervor to cover his daughters tracks, he pooched the system.

Now, no one is laughing. Least of all his daughter.

Another World.

I have to say, that since moving to the dark side (tech support) I am much happier.

Being a Tech Router was a nightmare. You had to know every single product and were treated like an idiot when you didn't know that some obscure programming language was still used and every intricate detail of that language. The actual work was interesting but since it is 80% technical and your managers are 0% technical, you never got credit for the fact that you even heard of that obscure programming language. In short, you rocked on the phone, but on paper (the managers opinion) you sucked because your call time was 2 seconds off the norm.

Over on the 'other side', you have two people grading you. One grading you on customer service and an actual tenured technician grading you on the tech support aspects. Makes sense, don't it?

Just to give you a feel of how different the atmosphere is over on the 'other' side. If a customer has a good experience and wants to give you Kudos, they have an email address they can use and they often do. When someone says something nice about how you helped them, the managers send it out in an email for ALL TO SEE.

Imagine if you will, the atmosphere that sort of thing generates. Just think about it for a minute. You rock, your customers think you rock and tell your manager that you rock. Then they send out an email letting everyone know that you rock.

How fucking cool is that??? I get 2 or three emails from customers a day. Recently I got a really long email from a man I helped restore his computer, while he was miles from home in Brazil. I won't bore you with the whole thing, but just to give you an idea, I will post a couple excerpts.

...Within minutes I was connected to one of the most interesting persons I have ever had the privilege to speak with, Mrs./Ms. "Evel"...

For the novice user it was frightening to say the least, however; with the professional assurance and guidance of "Evel" the day was saved.

While everyone else was probably enjoying a happy holiday meal or a lazy day at the beach "Evel" was hard at work in a remote bastion of the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™. After completing all of "Evel's" instructions I am happy to say you have recruited another happy Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ product user, for life...

If it were in my power, I would surely promote this young lady to some sort of a management position, at the very least a pay raise. I would send as many other Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ employees to Nova Scotia to receive tutelage from this very outstanding Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ employee, as the training budget would permit of course. "Evel" is the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™...

He goes on and on, but you see the difference? On this side of the pond, you are made to feel important and valued. It is the craziest thing, because you can see where you came from (there are no walls in cubic hell) but it is a completely different world.

And the results are in.

Taken from Radmilla, I decided to take the test.

Here are the rusults of "The Director Who Films Your Life Test"

Alfred Hitchcock
Your film will be 27% romantic, 42% comedy, 53% complex plot, and a $ 43 million budget.

One of the best film directors EVER to exist. Your life must be something special if we're going to dig up Hitch to direct the film version. His films are studies of masterful technique and visual storytelling. He also has six distinct signatures he puts in each of his films, one of them being his fleeting cameo walk-by appearance. I think another one is that the leading man is always wrongly persecuted for something he didn't do, and the leading lady is usually a blonde. He made many more films than just The Birds and Psycho. PLEASE go rent, buy, or view North By Northwest or Vertigo!

Great, I end up having an affair with the director, the creepy fat guy.

Story of my life.

I am being invaded.

It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen.
But they are all over the house.
I don't think I have ever seen this many over my entire life.
I have seen more of these in the past week than I have seen mosquitoes all summer.
I have discovered that Lady Bugs freak me out.

Bob Vila, he ain't!

My landlord is a sweet man. He is the best landlord I have had in a long time. Very helpful and willing to fix anything that goes wrong. You will noticed I used 'willing' and left out the 'able'.

He came for the rent and noticed the paint peeling off the door jam. "I must get over and put a coat of paint on that. I got some pretty yellow."

I figured, sure, the house is yellow, will be fine.

I came home to this.



I think they use the same color for those yellow lines on the road. I wonder if it glows in the dark? I don't think I can wait to find out.

I hope he is not too offended when he sees I have already started to paint over it with white.



He probably should not give up his day job.

You say 'licking windows' like it's a bad thing.

Someone sent this in an email to me. I nearly pissed myself laughing.

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote liberal or occasionally shit yourself.......

You hang in there sunshine,You're fucking special.

Too fuckin' funny!

Happy Thanksgiving.

I guess not everyone loves a Mac.

And this is an actual Mac owner.

A 'life-changing sum of money'.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Department™ my name is blah blah blah..."

She starts out by telling me that No.rt.on has sent her a virus. I try to assure her that this would not be something No.rt.on would do intentionally. However, she insists that they did it so she would not win a sweepstakes that she has been trying to win for 6 years. She refers to it as a 'life-changing sum of money' over and over.(she changes her voice when she says it) They knew she was close and they wanted to stop her.(of course they did)

"The woman at No.rt.on warned me not to format my computer and Oprah told me that if I called Mic.ro.so.ft I wouldn't win the 'life-changing sum of money', but I have to get this virus off."

Did she say Oprah? What?

"I want my computer completely wiped clean and the windows reinstalled."

Cool, the woman may be looney tunes but this is the simplest call on even her planet. Nuke and Pave.

All is well until we get to the 'delete partition' part of the install.

"I am not comfortable with deleting the partition."

"If you want the hard drive completely wiped, this is what we have to do."

"I am not comfortable with deleting the partition."

I explain to her that if she wants to make sure she gets all the virus, we have to delete the partition. I explain to her that deleting the partition is not really deleting anything except the containers that the space is in. Like two bags of bananas, we are just deleting the bags, not the bananas.

"I am not comfortable with deleting the partition."

The woman is a broken record. "Well, at the beginning of this call we agreed that you wanted your computer completely wiped. If you want to start over and just repair the windows we can, but if there is was a virus before, it will still be there when we are done."

Hell, you have already defied Oprah, what the hell do you have to lose?

Once she agrees, it is pretty much a waiting game, it takes a while but the computer does pretty much all the install. So, while we wait, she decides to chat.

I won't bore you with the entire one hour conversation. Here are the key points:

- She heard about this particular sweepstakes 6 years ago on Oprah. At that time Oprah told her not to call Mic.ro.so.ft or else she would never win the 'life-changing sum of money'. Did I mention Oprah addressed her personally from the TV?

- Apparently the sweepstakes website has been trying to keep her from winning the 'life-changing sum of money', at one point they moved drug dealers into the two houses on either side of her. I kid you not.

- She invented the Roomba, she told the sweepstakes people about it years ago and they stole the idea. She got a lawyer but he wants $10,000 just to file a claim. She thinks the sweepstakes guys bought him off. They threatened that she would not win the 'life-changing sum of money' if she continued with the lawsuit.

- No.rt.on purposely sent her a virus so she would not win the 'life-changing sum of money'. They often target the sweepstakes winners and steal the money once they have won.

- Oprah will not take her calls or return her email so she has moved on to Gail. And if that doesn't work Julia Roberts was in the audience that day and told her to call her if she has any problems.

- She has purchased, over the years, all sorts of good luck charms, cristals, hats, rings, books etc. The sweepstakes website periodically make her join book clubs and such telling her if she doesn't she can't win the 'life-changing sum of money'. (yes she believes this)

In the end I feel sorry for her. I try and convince her that after 6 years it might be time to give up. Or failing that, she shouldn't pour money into something on the off chance she could win. She should only enter contests that don't require a purchase or a fee.

But she will not be swayed. She just has to win this 'life-changing sum of money', (she is in tears) for her children. (yes she has reproduced) It's her dream and she just can't give up on her dream of winning a 'life-changing sum of money'. Oprah has promised her.

I have said it a hundred times. I blame Oprah.

Apparently, so does everyone else.

Just when you had thougt you had heard it all...

Aparently everyone should go to this site and prepare themselves.

Unfortunatly, not many people are actually going to make it, but this site gives some very good advice for those of us heathens who will be left behind after the "Rapture".

Don't say you haven't been warned.

TV. She ain't what she used to be.

It used to be that actors did TV when they couldn't get a movie gig. It was a way to pay the bills till they 'made it'. Everyone's objective was to be a movie star.

Today with people going to the theaters less and less, TV has become the perfect vehicle for some former movie stars.

Gina Davis and Donald Sutherland rocked it in Commander in Chief. (Cancelled now, wonder how that went over with the old egos?)

And, of course, Donald's son Kiefer in 24.

James Woods, Shark (excellent new show on CBS).

Dennis Hopper in the E-Ring. (cancelled)

Timothy Hutton and Dana Delany in Kidnapped.

Ray Liotta in Smith.

And the big one, the West Wing, that shit was chocked full of big time stars. Again, cancelled.

I am sure they would still prefer to be movie stars. A weekly show takes a lot of time I hear, but don't you just love the fact that now they may have to actually work for a living? As opposed to 6 months on a movie that pays them millions, so they can sit on their ass for 2 years.

Nice work if you can get it.

Ask me if I care.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Department™ my name is blah blah blah..."

I have half an hour left on my shift and I am not looking forward to my last call, I am hoping I can get the hell out of here on time.

This dude starts with 'Once upon a time...'. Fuckin great! I won't bore you with the rant, but after 25 minutes I get the following earth shattering revelations from this crayon:

M.ic.ro.sof.t has sent him a virus - Of course they have, they often send out viruses so that people will call in for the 'FREE' virus support. Bill has way too much money and he is sick of laundering it.

M.ic.ro.sof.t is hacking his computer - again, why not? After all you are a big important man with top secret information. No? Ok, you must be a bank president with pass codes to millions of dollars. Huh? No? Ok, then you must have launch codes, that must be it. No? Your kidding? What the hell makes you think anyone, let alone M.ic.ro.sof.t gives a rats ass about what you have on your computer. Get real!

M.ic.ro.sof.t is taking over the world and Bil.l Ga.te.s is the Anti-Christ - Holy shit! Get Bill on the horn, we have to warn him, the jig is up. Oh, no worries, I forgot, they are hacking this guys computer, they can erase his evidence. Whew, close one.

Turns out this guy had DELL OEM software installed on his computer, decided to install that DELL software on his Gateway/Sony Frankenstein machine and then the M.ic.ro.sof.t server says it is not genuine.

No shit, Sherlock! That is because its not!

Fahrvergnügen!

My friend Donna, who moved out west to become a car salesman (long story), just found out she was Top Salesperson for Southern Alberta.

Way to go, Princess!

We all knew you could do it. You could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.

Finally!

The Undisclosed Tech Support Team™ gets a lot of grief from customers about the software, when all we are there for is to fix it after the fact. This new feature targets the real culprits, the people responsible for the software, the programmers.



I can't wait for this to hit the market.

And another thing...

This one made me bust a gut! Our fearless leader and Napoleon Dynamite

You have got to watch to the end you will piss yourself.

You would not believe how many goofball videos Bi.ll Ga.tes and Ste.ve Balmer have done over the years. I spent the better part of this morning watching them. Go see for yourself.

Discovered at Rad's

I am not a touchy feely kind of person, but I thought this was so cool I just had to link it myself. I guess this all happened a couple years ago but someone posted it on YouTube and it became one of the most popular, and you will see why.

"Sometimes, a hug is all what we need. Free hugs is a real life controversial story of Juan Mann, A man who's sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger to brighten up their lives. In this age of social disconnectivity and lack of human contact, the effects of the Free Hugs campaign became phenomenal. As this symbol of human hope spread across the city, police and officials ordered the Free Hugs campaign BANNED. What we then witness is the true spirit of humanity come together in what can only be described as awe inspiring. In the Spirit of the free hugs campaign, PASS THIS TO A FRIEND and HUG A STRANGER! After all, If you can reach just one person... Music by Sick Puppies." -description from YouTube

Ok, I admit during the first few seconds of the video I was thinking that if I were to see this guy on the street my first inkling would be that he was probably going to pick my pocket. I, like most people, am just jaded that way.

But I would bet that every single person, who took a free hug, felt fantastic all day long.

Talent is sometimes a curse.

The boy has decided to become Itzhak Perlman. I spent yesterday hunting down a fiddle for him.

I know, your saying, (in a really snotty voice) "Excuse me, it is called a violin." But I don't care what you call it cuz you're dumb. No, you shut up.

I put it out there that I was looking for one and my nephew actually had one. Who knew? Anyway he was really accommodating and offered to drop it off to me at work. I should have known something was up.

So I finally get out of the building (my final call was actually 4 hours and 18 minutes) and the fiddle is in the back seat of my car. Wow, he is good.

I get it home and the boy is all over it like a fat kid on cake. Ten minutes later he is actually playing a song. I kid you not.

Just a heads up to those parents out there that think it might be cute to have their little angels take 'violin' lessons? Those fucking things are LOUD.

No, no, you don't understand. When I say loud, I mean really fucking loud! Earth-shattering, glass breaking, ear-splitting loud. This thing is louder than his guitar with the amp on 11.

After he got bored with the actual song he was playing he started experimenting. Seeing just what kind of sounds (not to be confused with music) he can get it to make.

Imagine a cat in heat, right after being hit by a car, screaming in pain.

Only inside your head.

If your little darlings ever present you with the choice between electric guitar and fiddle (even if they snooty-ly refer to it as a violin) please, for the love of God and all things holy, protect your sanity and go for the guitar. Right now I am trying to figure out how I can talk him into trading in the fiddle for a set of drums. Yes, it is just that bad.

At least with the guitar you can listen to them slaughter some really cool music instead of 'We Three Kings'.

Oh, the humanity!

Observant

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

The lady explains that her screen is saying 'shutting down windows' and has been stuck there all day.

"Ok, what we are going to do is shut the computer down."

"All right."

"Let me know when it is off"

"Well it does take a while after I close the drawer."

HUH?

"Is it off?"

"Yes."

"Ok, turn it back on."

"Alright, it is back on." That was quick? "It still says 'shutting down windows'."

It takes me a few minutes to realize that what she is doing is opening and closing the keyboard drawer. She believes this is the way to shut down the computer. And in her defense I can see how she would assume that. When she closes the drawer (eventually) the computer screen goes blank, and when she opens it again, it jumps to life.

I explain to her that what we are looking for is an actual button she must push and for the next few minutes I wait as she turns the monitor off and on.

"No, Mamme, the power button is located on the tower, the box that you put your CD's in." Clearly I need to dumb it down for her.

"Dell did send me a disk, but I threw it out cuz there was no where to put it."

"Uh, it has to be there somewhere." I was starting to think she might have a laptop but that would not explain the drawer.

She finally directs her attention under the desk, "Oh, well would you look at that!"

I come to find out that she has never, in the three years she has owned this computer, ever powered it off.

How is that possible?

Say hello to my little friend.

I have a tech-buddy.

Not to be confused with a fuck-buddy. (Get your mind out of the gutter, I know you were going there.)

This is an experienced tech that will sit with you for the first little while and help you with the tools and the procedures as well as helping you not sound like a complete idiot on the phone.

Well, I have one. We will call him Miyagi-san, and this is why.

While I was taking a call, Miyagi-san was making this:

Dude is into origami.

Now, when I say he is into origami, I mean way, deep down, into it. For real. He carries a really thick binder with pockets full of stuff for origami. Books, paper, folding implements, the whole nine yards.

And he is talented. Just look at the detail. You can see this dragons tongue. I know the picture quality is not that great, my camera sucks. But believe me when I say, I was much impressed.

It appears to calm him, so I guess it has a purpose.


Of course I can see this sort of thing bugging the shit out of me after a while. I have a really low tolerance for crafts of any kind. And this is border-line craft-like.

But for now, he occupies a place of honor on top of my monitor.

Till the cat finds him, I suppose.

A little culture crammed down your throat.

This boys voice curls my toes.


And a little English for the not so cultural.

First day on the floor.

My first day on the floor was not so bad. It was pretty slow so I was waiting around for a long while for that first call to come in.

Thankfully I got my first call before the medication wore off.

Interesting.

Just finished watching Loose Change.

"Loose Change is a documentary written and directed by Dylan Avery and produced by Korey Rowe and Jason Bermas. The film presents an alternative explanation of events during the September 11, 2001 Terrorist Attacks. The film attempts to compensate for the perceived inadequacy of government investigations and the 9/11 Commission Report. It alleges that the attacks were not the result of the organization al-Qaeda but a series of cleverly executed events carried out by the US government. It was released through the creators' company, Louder than Words, and received wide attention after being featured on a Binghamton, New York local FOX affiliate, WICZ-TV (FOX 40).[1]"- From Wikipedia

It was quite enlightening in a Michael Moore sort of way. They raise some very interesting points. Like what really happened to Flight 93? It is reported to have landed that day, was actually seen landing by airport workers at Cleveland Hopkins Airport.

Also the cell phone calls reportedly made from the plane. One man saying "Mom, it's Mark Balmer." When was the last time you called your mom and introduced yourself? Experiments after the fact showed that it was impossible to get cell phone reception from that altitude. (It wasn't until 2004 that American installed antenna on their planes to accommodate cell phones.)

And that is nothing compared to the crap about the Pentagon and the tower explosions.

It is worth seeing, but I guess with anything you have to decide what you believe.

Pickled.

I am reading the archives of Pickle Juice when I come across this link.

Steve, Don't Eat It! Don't give up till you make it to the breast milk one. It is not to be missed.

Incidentally, if anyone knows what has happened to Natalie, I would dearly like to know. Her last post is July of 2005, in which she alluded to a possible jail term.

Big freakin' deal!

I am driving in to work today and I am late. As I am driving through the mall parking lot I notice people looking up into the sky.

It's a helicopter and I think, so what? It doesn't look like it is crashing so I continue on. Seems to be heading in the same direction I am.

The parking lot adjoining ours is the one for the theater and the bowling alley/pub. As I get closer I notice that the pub parking lot is full, and all the cars are 'really nice'. Not that people around here don't have nice cars, but all the cars were either dark sedans or dark SUV's. Hmmmm. Now I notice that the men standing around are all dressed in black. Black suits, white shirts, black ties.

What is going through my head is 'who died?'

As I draw close to our parking lot, I see the helicopter again and it is really low and dropping fast. Next thing I know it lands, directly in front of me on the grass!

I slam on my breaks, cuz I figure the MIB will be running for the helicopter. Not one of them moves. So I continue on.

I finally make it into work. "Sorry I am late, but I was delayed by a helicopter landing in the parking lot."

"Really?" No one knew why. Then it hits me.

"Oh ya, isn't that American chick in town this week?"

"Condoleezza Rice?"

"Ya, that's the one."

Turns out she is classified as an internationally protected person. So they had to put on a decent show for her. Except here in Pictou County, the only person she would have to worry about is the nutbar that protests the elections every year by stealing the ballot boxes. But I think he is on vacation, so it was pretty much a non-event.

I am wondering how they managed to find 350 people (who would give a shit) to attend the 'invitation only' breakfast.

Betcha Pete had to call in a few favors.

Shattered Illusions.

Since I have been in training 7am to 3pm, I am not able to drive the boy to school so he has been staying with his father.

The first week was glorious. Quiet and uneventful.

Saturday night the boy and his friends were going to go to the exhibition. I worry sometimes about his friends, but he said he was going with Milhouse (not his real name), so I was relieved.

From a parents point of view, Milhouse is an ideal friend. His parents are the sort that appear diligent in what he does and who he does it with. He has not ever been in trouble (that I know of), he is polite and does well in school. In short, he is what we believe to be a good influence on our children.

So that was the plan for Saturday night. Imagine my surprise when I get a call to come and pick up the boy. At the police station. He has been picked up by the police for drinking underage. Fuckin' lovely.

All the way to the police station I am imagining him staggering around, or passed out in his own vomit. However, when I get there he and his friend 'Otto' (again, not his real name) are just sitting there. They look normal. WTF?

The cop starts to explain how the boys were picked up at a convenience store. I expect him to tell me that they were acting like delinquents and causing a disturbance, but no.

"Ok, wait a minute. What exactly did you do?"

Turns out they drank something called a cold shot. Basically it is a smaller can of beer than the regular size, about 8oz. So, they had two of them, then went to the convenience store.

They are in the convenience store and the cops come in. Picture it, your a teenager who has just done something illegal when a cop is suddenly standing in front of you. Non challant is not something teenagers do well.

So, of course, they are acting suspicious. The cop comes up to them and asks them if they have been drinking, and Tony Soprano says, "Yes."

As the cop is telling me this, I am trying hard not to shake the boy and say, "Dude? What the hell?" I don't know who this kid is sometimes, he confesses to everything. Must get that from his fathers side of the family.

Then the two of them come out with, "It's peer pressure."

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit."

"It's true, Mom, these guys pressured us into drinking."

"Oh, ya. I remember being a teenager and pressuring other kids to ... DRINK BEER THAT I PAID FOR! That is horseshit! Wait a minute. I thought you were supposed to be with Milhouse? What happened?"

"Milhouse ditched us." And I am thinking, he didn't want to associate with you two delinquents when the cop chimes in.

"Milhouse? Hmmmm, what is Milhouse's last name?" I tell him and he starts flipping through some papers. "Uh huh, we picked up Milhouse 2 hours ago."

"There must be some mistake."

"No mistake, you want to see what we took from him?" And he takes me aside and shows me. It's a hash pipe and some marijuana!

"Are you kidding me? Not my little Milhouse!" I was floored.

Out of the whole experience, I was most traumatized by Milhouse. Somehow I expected it from the boy and his other delinquent friend, but Milhouse? He had me completely snowed.

I am scarred for life.

Shall we dance?

Was roaming around over the weekend and came across a news item on ChaCha.

Not the dance. It's a new search engine that launched on Monday. Here is the kicker, you are not alone. You can have someone help you search for free.

I have run across these types of sites before. But you usually have to pay to have someone 'research' your issue. Fuck that!

This is great for people who are not familiar with searching the internet, it can be exasperating at times when you don't know how or what to search for to find exactly what you need.

Well, you just type in your search and click on Guided help. A chat window pops up and someone is there to help you find exactly what you are looking for. Within minutes you are done.

I was so impressed I signed up to be a guide. I wanted to see what it was like from both sides of the search. It is dead simple to do and (drum roll please) they will pay you to be a guide.

It is free to join, and after a little over 20 min I had made $5. And that included the time it took to go through the training and take search requests from trainers. I think in total I helped 3 'actual' people find what they were looking for.

In comparison, the stupid AdBrite thing on my page has generated (in the month that it has been up) exactly ten cents. That is so coming down.

So if anyone wants to join me, and make a little extra cash, email me and I will send you an invite.

You really have nothing to lose, just remember, Google had to start somewhere.

Brief interlude with the Politically Incorrect Sisters.

My mother had to be taken into the emergency room the other night. Her sister, of course, came to see her. (she is fine by the way)

My mother starts, loudly. Remember that Trin has just the one good ear.

"Trin, you know my doctor is a woman?" (She is still impressed that we are allowed to vote.)

"I think she is Arab or something, she has this thing, (she makes a circular motion with her hand around her head) this...this... contraption on her head."

"A turban?" She proceeds to make a similar (but not the same) circular hand motion.

"No, no, no! Not like that."

They are synchronized now, mimicking each other's motions. Apparently the only way they can complete a thought together is if they both do the hand gestures.


"No, like a nun, only she has a bunch of kids." She makes a face, like, 'what is THAT about'?

This baffles Trin, so while they are distracted I seize the opportunity to make my escape.

They are still trying to work it out as I disappear around the corner.

It's not what you know, but who you blow.

I tried to corner the Big Giant Head this week, but he eluded me. So I figured, I will give him the benefit of the doubt, wait for the internal memo congratulating the new TM. Usually it will list the persons credentials and welcome him.

As I read the memo I could not believe it. They come right out and say, 'most recently from the XP training class'. They tactfully leave out the fact that it is a new hire training class.

Ok, but he was with the company before, he must have some tenure with another site? Nope. Literally 2 weeks off the street. And we are told we can't even apply for a different project until we are past the 90 day probationary period. Apparently this does not apply here.

So I guess we aren't even pretending that the process is fair anymore.

Here is something to ponder. Most of the MO's in the building are under 5 feet tall. There is like one that I know of that is normal to tall. The new TM is slightly over 4 feet tall. Coincidence?

I wonder if they sang the song for him when he was hired?

... the more they stay the same.

I had heard a vicious rumor last week that someone in our 'training' class applied for, and got, a team manager position. They did not have a name, just a description. Short, older, geeky looking. Describes most of upper management. I knew who they were talking about, but I was sure it was just a rumor.

Considering that everyone in the class except for me was straight off the street I was sure it was just a rumor so I did not go straight to the MO's and express my displeasure. After all, didn't we all hear the Manager of Operations (during his little speech in class) tell us that they always promote from within? I am pretty sure that tenure is a factor in the process, and this boy had two weeks. I was sure I did not need to 'have a talk' with anyone.

Fast forward to today. Kelly informs me she is sitting behind the new TM, staring at his little bald spot.

Well, for once I give management the benefit of the doubt and I am sorely disappointed.

I guess I will just have to request a 'smoke break' with the Big Giant Head to express my displeasure. I know how much he loves that.

Udder-ly Ridiculous.

Me and 'The Bride' took her teenage daughter and a friend to the drive-in tonight. We thought it might be fun. Unfortunately, we often fail to think these things through.

For the long weekend they were offering 4 features. I had no illusions that I could last for all 4 but I was hoping that I could at least stay awake for two.

The first one was in progress when we arrived. Barnyard. It was funny. However, the lead, Otis, played by Kevin James, had an udder.

Now I am no farmer, but I am pretty sure the male cows don't have udders. Please correct me if I am wrong. This prompted a deep philosophical discussion between 'The Bride' and I about the film industry's obligation to anatomical accuracy versus the delicate psyche of 5 year olds (the target audience) who would probably not appreciate what a bull had to offer. Considering that said bull would be standing upright throughout most of the movie.

The second was Miami Vice. We were half an hour into it and I still had no idea what the hell was going on. The writing was bad, as I said, I had no idea what was going on. The acting was atrocious, they just phoned in the performances. Worst of all the camera work was so bad it made me nauseous. We didn't even have the soundtrack to fall back on. In a nut shell? It was 2 hours I will never get back.

Before Miami Vice was even over I was trying to bribe the girls so we could fuck off home. I was not looking forward to Pulse, since I am no good with horror movies, and 'The Bride' had already slept through half of Miami Vice anyway.

Finally they gave in for pie. Who knew, teenage girls will do anything for pie?

Embracing the Uni-Bomber.

Having a ball with the geeks in the class. There is quite a few of them who are introverts. You know, the types you would not be surprised to find out were the uni-bomber?

Take George (may or may not be his real name) for instance. George sits beside me.

"Morning George!" I am loud, I am hard to ignore, but George tries.

Mumbles, "Morning."

George sits board straight in his seat, his eyes never leaving the computer screen. If you speak to him and he absolutely has to respond, you get eye movement only. George never makes direct eye contact. I can see he is uncomfortable with my personality and the little demon on my shoulder says, "Let's fuck with him!"

I try to make conversation with George, I get the silent treatment with the occasional inaudible grunt and glances from the corner of his eye.

Loudly, so no one would miss it. "Jesus George! I don't know how you expect me to work with you chattering on and on, never letting a person get a word in edgewise."

The instructor wants us to do a presentation on what we just learned. Someone will read the slides, he says. "Who wants to volunteer?"

George is getting nervous, hoping someone will volunteer. I figure I could put him out of his misery, but what fun would that be? I can see George , inwardly squirming. He sees the look on my face, he can sense me standing up, he knows something is coming and he is inwardly hoping I am about to take a heart attack or something.

"Well, we (I indicate the rest of the group) wanted to draw straws, but George wouldn't hear of it. He is a complete control freak! He insists on doing the entire presentation himself."

The poor guy can't even protest. I am sure if he could make eye contact with me he would be shooting daggers, but he did the demonstration and did not implode.

He might be miserable now, but I think he will thank me later for dragging him kicking and screaming out of his shell.

Ok, 'thank' might be a strong word, but he might not use the scope on me. I might have a fighting chance when he goes postal.

One step closer to the flaming red 'G'.

Wrote the first of three tests for the XP Training. Got 34 out of 35. Missed a non technical question, which was bullshit.

What is the product support mission statement? Who the fuck cares.

I tried to protest it. I figured if I couldn't find the answer then it wasn't worth knowing. Somehow, they didn't think that was a valid protest.

I just hope that they are not too upset when they finally come to the realization, like everyone else, that it is all about me.

Tempting Fate.

I always seem to need to do something industrious right after I do something crazy with my nails. (Excuse the picture quality, but I never have been able to take a decent picture of them.)



Anyway, last night I did my nails, (flags if your interested) and this morning I got up and went to a friends yard sale. I found 2 chairs. One for me and one for the boy. He is in the States, by the way, with his father. Remind me to tell you about that fiasco.

But I digress, I get the chairs home and think they might not be that hard to recover.

"But your nails, asshole, you just did your nails."

"I can do this, no big deal."

"Your going to break them or chip them or, I don't know, your such an asshole,why don't you leave them alone."

"Why don't you bite me! I am doing it."

And I did.

Before ...

and after.


I know it doesn't match. But I ran out of material, and since it was not the boy's chair I figured I am ok.



I will let the boy decide whether he wants to leave his grey or not.

Next post: Run for the Border.

Stay tuned.

I cannot argue with the masses.

This is too funny. I have to say that, in my humble opinion, they are spot on with the message.

Oh ya. You should have a dog.

I have to tell you about the crayons living below me. They are in their early twenties. They have a toddler, and a newborn. The newborn has downs syndrome and has to be fed through a tube. Get the picture?

So what do you think these brain surgeons consider a smart move? Get a dog.
Not just any dog, a husky. That is just what these fucktards need.

So they get this dog about a month ago. Tie it to an old doghouse with a 4 foot rope and walk away. I have never seen this dog off that rope. All he does all day is cry. They hardly ever go near it, except to stand two feet out of its reach and stare at it while it begs desperately for them to pet it.

Tonight I could not stand the whining any longer. I look out the window and the pitiful thing has his pathetic 4 feet of rope reduced to 2 because it is wrapped tightly around its back leg. As he struggles it gets tighter. I begin a slow burn.

THAT IS FUCKING IT! Out the door and down the stairs I go. Turn the corner and the fucktards are sitting on the front porch drinking beer. Nice.

"Excuse me. Does no one hear that fucking dog crying?"

Blank stares.

"Ever wonder why? If you cared to investigate you would see that he's got his rope wrapped around his leg."

No one is fucking moving.

I am sorry, but when I say something I expect people to move!!! It is one of my vices. If you don't move when I am so obviously telling you to do something, I get very upset. You really don't like to see me upset.

"I'm sorry. Did I stutter? Fix the fuckin' dog's rope!" One of them jumps and I storm back up the stairs. Heart pounding, pressure skyrocketing.

I am not a dog person. I don't want to walk a dog, I don't want to play with a dog, I don't want to take care of a dog. This is why I don't have a dog.

I have no idea why these fucking crayons thought they wanted one but I can tell you this. I am not sitting here listening to that dog cry until it's dead. I will call the SPCA or the landlord. That dog needs a proper home.

Anyone want a husky?

Welcome to the Maritimes.

Welcome to the Maritimes

Ok, I could probably do without the accordion, but it is interesting.

Fun with search engines.

Thought I would list some of the weirder search entries that send hapless victims my way.

Who was Alan Thicke's first wife? - Honestly? I don't have the foggiest.
Persin workng on compute - Glad to see the illiterates are represented.
johnny's mother had three children - Someone trying to cheat on an XP exam no doubt.
miserable husband no patience with kids - You looking to upgrade?
ted reinstein - maybe that is Alan Thicke's first wife?
nose fucking - You know I tried to clean that up, but it just had to be said straight out. And if you are that person who was searching for that? Back the fuck up you weirdo. Holy crap there are some sick puppies in this world.

And another thing.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I keep getting this email from a person I don't even know."

"Uh..."

"No, just let me tell my story and then you talk."

"All righty then." Spill your guts.

"This person knows my name, and keeps trying to sell me penis enlargement cream and I keep emailing them back to stop but the email is not working, it keeps saying there is no such email..."

"Ok, Sir? That's called Spam." What rock have you been living under?

"You mean you heard of this cream?"

Yes, the miracle SPAM Penis Enlargement Cream, I know it well.

NEXT

"Ya I am trying to do updates and it is telling me I have to have In.ternet Ex.plor.er 5.5 or higher. How do I find that out?"

"No problem just go to help and about from the standard toolbar and it will tell you what version you have."

"It says Firefox Version 1.0.6."

Give me strength.

And how was your day?

I am told you can't beat them. I blame Oprah.

Just got the 'official' call from Allison in HR. I am scheduled to start XP training on Monday morning at ...brace yourself...SEVEN EH EM!!!!

Holy Crap. Have I ever done anything at 7AM besides stagger back home? This could get hairy.

There is an upside. Since I am working so early in the morning, I will not be available to drive the boy to school. Therefore,-- drum roll please --, he will have to stay with his father for the entire month of September!!!

I will miss my baby terribly. (Did that sound sarcastic? Cuz that's what I was going for.)

I love the boy, but he is 15, and he is an asshole. He began his illustrious career (as an asshole) at the tender age of 13 and has maintained it perfectly ever since. If there was a Nobel prize for asshole, he would win it hands down.

He used to love me, now I am just the person who maintains him. I am to work extra hours in order for him to live in the manner he has become accustomed to.I work and he spends. You would not believe the look I get if I happen to get off work early. Like he was scraping something offensive off his very expensive sneakers.

And heaven help you if you don't have any money when he wants some. "What did you spend all 'the' money on?" Not my money, money that I work for but 'the' money. 'The' money that is supposed to be at his disposal.

And for the love of all things holy, do not ever ask him to do a chore. The drama that goes on would put William Shatner to shame. Honestly, after 2 years of this, I would much rather dance naked around a stripper pole covered in razor blades, being sprayed down with rubbing alcohol than ask him to do anything. It's just not worth it, even if he eventually does what you asked.

So a month of solitude? I am looking forward to it.

I am told that eventually in his 20's he will turn back into a human, but 20 seems so far away when your trying to wade though mountains of empty pop cans to get to the dishes that you have to do before you can lay your head down for some peace.

Oh right, there is no peace, he has to practice his guitar. Three more hours of 'Master of Puppets' before you can have peace. And thanks to Oprah and other tree huggers like her, you can no longer beat your children. More's the pity.

If I am lucky, perhaps I will go deaf? Of course, then I would have to deal with the poking. I just can't win.

I am confused.

I was reading over at Rad's place about The Echo generation. I agree with her opinions but before I go ahead and make fun of them on my own blog I thought I should make damn sure I wasn't one of them.

So where does the average internet geek turn? Wikipedia of course.

This is where it gets confusing. Apparently, I can be considered a part of quite a few generations, depending on who you ask.

The Beat Generation which is a sub-generation of the Baby Busters. Or I could be part of Generation X or even the Consciousness Revolution.

Well, at least I know I am not part of the Echo Generation, so for today at least, I do not suck.

They do.

Tick Tock.

Been just a little pissed off this pass week. The whole 'assholes walking the earth' thing. Haven't really felt like blogging.

But now that all the activities are over, I guess you just have to get back to it. My friend says she is coming back to work on Monday. I can't really blame her, it will be hard being alone once all the family goes back to their lives.

For me it looks like I only have a week before the XP training starts. I have mixed feelings now that my freinds husband is gone. He was a really great manager, and I was hoping to work with him. I told this to another one of the good managers (there are very few) and he said he would try and pull some strings to get me on his team. I thought that was nice of him.

So, maybe things are looking up. But as the day gets closer, I get more and more nervous that something will go wrong (once again) and I will be dragged in another direction, off my chosen path.

Fingers and toes crossed.

Is there a plan?

A friends husband died Saturday in a motorcycle accident. He was only 48.

(Don't get me started on the motorcycle thing, I don't understand why anyone who can afford a car dives one. But that's another rant for another day.)

Here is my real problem today. This was a nice guy. Good husband, father and grandfather. And I am not just saying that. You know me by now, it really irritates me that everyone gushes about how great a person is after they are dead when they couldn't stand to look at him while he was alive. This was an actual good guy.

He was the kind of husband that makes you think having a husband might not be such a bad thing if you could find one just like him. I am sure there were times when his wife wanted to strangle him but he was one of the good guys.

They did everything together, they enjoyed the same things, and even worked together. You would think that much togetherness would drive them nuts but they were friends. Good friends. He worked as a tech manager on the other side of the building and we were in customer service on the other.

Practically every night he would deliver her lunch (or coffee it was fuckin' adorable) and sit and chat with us. I was looking forward to having him as a manager over in tech when I finally got there. With all the asshole, useless managers in the building, no one ever had a bad word to say about him.

And he loved that motorcycle, it was adorable to see them arrive at work on it. He would have a big goofy grin on his face as he pulled up. He took every opportunity to ride it and she was always there, riding shotgun.

They absolutely doted on their grandchildren. Saturdays were off limits for anything else but the grandkids. This is where the questions about a higher plan might come in. Something or someone somewhere had a plan. A higher power or unseen entity. Whatever it was, events conspired to take this man on this day.

His other motorcycle buddies knew not to even bother asking him to go riding on Saturdays. You couldn't get either of them to do anything on that day. They had the grandkids and that was it.

I spoke to one of his riding buddies who said they were shocked to hear a message on their machine saying he wanted to go riding. It was a beautiful day and his wife was taking the kids to the beach and for whatever reason, he decided he would not go with her. For some reason, he was on the road, far from home.

Now they are not sure if he lost control of the bike or if he might have had a heart attack. They will find that out after the autopsy today. Witnesses are giving conflicting reports, some say he just drove off the road.

So, here is the thing. What if it turns out it was a heart attack? What if, this was his day no matter what he did?

If he had stayed true to form, like every other Saturday he would have been at the beach with his wife and his grandkids when his number came up. They would have had to witness it, helpless to do anything about it.

Perhaps the 'plan' was to let him go out doing something he enjoyed. One last hurrah?

I suppose as plans go, it wasn't a bad one.

But, why is it that nice guys get taken and assholes are still walking the earth breathin' my air?

Update.

The autopsy showed no signs of heart attack. However, eye witness accounts suggest that he may have blacked out, possibly from arrhythmia and went off the road and flipped his bike, he died from a broken neck.

Weird Office Guy. The saga continues.

I am getting this report second hand. Thankfully this incident was not witnessed by me personally, but was related to me by one of my traumatized co-workers.

WOG is sitting at his cube, idly picking his nose. Minutes go by and he is still digging away. He is at it so hard that his nose eventually begins to bleed. Heavily.

No worries. Remember the rolled up paper that he has in his ear? He promptly jams that up his nose to staunch the flow.

What could possibly top that mental picture? Try adding a sneeze.

As the paper begins to show signs of saturation, WOG promptly lets out a gigantic sneeze. All over the inside of the cube. Eye witnesses say the cube looked like an axe murderer had just vacated the premises.

WOG was sent home early. The cube had to be quarantined and the computer and equipment removed and discarded.

And how was your day?

INTRUDER ALERT!

In the middle of the night I am awakened by the sounds of muffled voices. Groggy, I listen intently.

Perhaps it is the neighbors downstairs? No, it's closer than that.

Is it the boy? No, he is at his fathers.

Did I lock the door?

Holy Shit! It is coming from inside my apartment! I snap awake and reach for the antique ice pick I have by my bed. (Don't ask, but tonight I could justify it)

My heart is beating loudly as I grip the only weapon I have and decide I could totally gut whoever I find in my fuckin' apartment.

I creep out to the living room, my heart in my throat, a mixture of fear and rage. I turn the corner, empty. Should I make some noise? Give the idiot a chance to flee before I am upon him, running him through with an 8 inch ice pick?

I am already running the conversation with the police through my head wondering how long all that shit would take before I could get back to sleep. (Hey, I have to work tomorrow.)

As I am slowly entering the kitchen, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, my heart stops ... there it is again!

I am consumed with a rush of both relief and embarrassment.

It was my stomach growling.

Let this be a lesson, Kids. Never down a can of Pepsi before bed. You could give yourself a heart attack or impale an unsuspecting loved one.

Breaking up the monotony.

I was working my first Saturday in a while and I have to say, it was complete Bizarro World. As you may remember, I am back in Pro (As opposed to TR) and Pro is only open 6-6 PST M-F. So I am wondering what types of calls other than the legit ones (911) I might get. Since we are 'closed'.

For the first hour, it was nothing but redirects from 'technicians'. I put that in quotes because I am not sure where they were trained. I never get calls from any technician located on the same side of the planet as me. You get me? So, you can insert the proper accent for the following.

"The software is installed, the activation was successful but the customer is failing validation on the website. Can you give the customer a new key?"

"No." Are you on crack? Are you even listening to what you are saying?

"Uh..."

"What is it telling you has failed?" It's usually an activex control that wasn't installed.

"Uh..."

"You have taken him to the diagnostic site, right?"

"Uh..." I give him the URL and thank him for playing.

NEXT

"This customer was locked in the activation screen."

"Ok." While he is babbling I am checking the key he has added to his case notes.

"He did not have the original media, so he went out and bought the OS Home edition and when he enters the key it is saying it is invalid."

"It's not. I just checked it."

"Uh, but it is saying it is invalid, can you make a new key."

"No."

"Uh..." For the love of God, this technician is supposed to be trained. In ONE product. If you only have to know one product, don't you think it would behoove you to know everything there is to know about that product?

"Ok, listen carefully. The key is valid for the software he purchased. However, I believe that the software he purchased does not match the software he has installed on the computer. What you need to do is bypass that screen, go into system properties and I bet you a hundred dollars that it will say 'OS Pro edition' in there. And if you check the product id, it will most likely be a pirated version."

"Really?" I'm sorry, are you new?

"Yes, you can inform the customer that he will have to take the Pro off and install his legit Home edition."

"Thank you for your help."

"I live to serve."

And another thing...

They move me to TR after a bit. Thank God, but it is extremely slow. So boredom sets in, until 'they' start calling. There are only 3 of us in TR, so I am not sure what actual enjoyment they are getting out of this.

He has called 4 times already, but so far he has skipped me.

I see on the phone display he is calling from Europe. They are closed so it gets routed to us. I answer the phone, you can hear the music blaring, and at least 4 other guys laughing. He has a thick Russian accent, I ask for his name. He is babbling in Russian. Then he laughs, "Cook suka, mudda fuka." This is puts his friends into fits of laughter.

"Perhaps you should get a job, so you might have something more constructive to do on a Saturday night." I really don't think he understand English, I think his friends are just impressed he is saying this shit to an actual person. His mother must be so proud.

I transfer him to DE.LL and various other places, he calls about 15 times and I wanted to 'share' him with any other customer service companies that might be open today. That's just the kinda gal I am.

I wanted to transfer to Ap.ple, but they are closed on the weekend. Actually closed.