Back in Tech Support.

The dispatch gig is over. They found someone to cook the books. I asked my soon-to-be ex-manager if I could go back to my old gig.

"Don't you want to go into the new project?"

"Fuck, no! I don't know how to fix that product yet. Let me stay in the old project as long as I can."

So I might get 3 weeks out of it if I am lucky. By then I will have the program on my computer and I will have a couple weeks to mess around with it.

Anyway, my first night back in the old job. And I had forgotten how much I love it. Customers think I am a genius, and I don't have to be.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah...

"Um, it's not doing it now."

"Ok, so I will close the case, if it happens again, call back and we will reopen it."

"I can't believe this. While I was waiting 20 minutes on hold I clicked something and now the error is gone."

"It's the inspirational hold music."

"Huh?"

"The hold music is so bad, that you will do anything to distract yourself from listening to it. In this case, you fixed your own issue."

"Oh, I get it. Inspirational hold music."

"Exactly."

Skin of my teeth.

By some miracle, I noticed that my vehicle inspection was up. Believe me this is a miracle, I went almost a year without noticing my drivers license had expired.

Now, usually I wouldn't worry about it, and even let it slide for a month or so, but aparently as of February 1st, its a whole other ballgame.

Someone alerted me to this.

18 (1) All of the following parts of a vehicle, except a motorcycle or motor-driven cycle, must be inspected:
(a) windshield and window glass;
(b) horn;
(c) brakes;
(d) windshield wipers;
(e) steering system;
(f) suspension system;
(g) exhaust system;
(h) fuel system;
(i) lights;
(j) tires and wheels;
(k) mirrors;
(l) coupling devices and towing connections, if applicable;
(m) body components.

Its all pretty much the same until you come to (c) brakes. Exactly how are they going to accomplish this? By taking the wheels off the car and physically inspecting the brakes.

What does this mean? It means first of all you have to have a licensed mechanic inspecting your car. Licensed mechanics charge licensed mechanic labor. Cha-ching! When a licensed mechanic has to take the time to take all the wheels off your car and inspect the brakes on all four drums? Cha-cha-cha-ching!

Oh, the government tells us that it is still only going to be a minimal fee, about 25 dollars.

Excuse me? A service station owner is going to tie up a mechanic for a couple hours (He has to pay that mechanic 35 dollars an hour), but he is only going to charge you 25 bucks? Give your head a shake.

One of two things is going to happen. One, they don't offer vehicle inspections at that service station any longer. Or two, they are going to look really hard to find something wrong, so they can at least break even on their labour costs.

Either way, we are going to pay for it. Today it cost me $17.50. I won't be so lucky next year.

YOU ARE HERE...01-28-07

In case you have forgotten, this is a list of recent keyword searches that brought people here and their origins.

biache (Farmington, Connecticut)
apple juice shits (Cheektowaga, New York)
places to live in Nova Scotia (Bowling Green, Ohio)
Wendy's Drive Thru (Salem, New Hampshire)
pissed off (California)
bald chick (someone in the UK. Hope it wasn't Sinead)
undisclosed customer service
shits & giggles (Menomonie,Wisconsin)
dead horse slides ( guy in France) Dude?
rip your head off and shit down your (Kissimmee, Florida) Isn't Kissimmee supposed to be a happy place?
ted reinstein (from Virginia) Again with Ted? Who is this guy?
Digby NS close but no cigar
suv asshole (Delta, BC)

And another thing...a bonus because I skipped it last week.

Surfin' from work/school? BUSTED!

(Maytag Corporation) Iowa, Newton
(Purdue University) Indiana, West Lafayette
(Wells Fargo And Company) California, San Francisco
(Hanes Companies Inc) North Carolina, Winston Salem
(Hillsborough County Public Schools) Florida, Tampa
(Ministerio De Administraciones Publicas) Ministry of Public Administrations, Spain
(Davis School District) Utah, Farmington
(Whirlpool Corporation)Michigan, St. Joseph
(University Of Tennessee)Tennessee, Knoxville
(Ajh Lawyers Pty Ltd) Victoria, Melbourne, Australia
(Indiana University) Indiana, Bloomington
(We Care Tax Advisor) Texas, Plano, United States
(Renault) France
(Universidad Carlos Iii De Madrid) Spain
(Idea Link Co. Ltd) Japan,
(The Pentagon) Virginia - That's what is says, I kid you not!

Do not take the Dave's name in vain.

I promised to explain about the Lord. The Lord Dave was pretty much a pain in the ass during training. He is the Uber-Geek and we all got that he was bored. He knew all that shit anyway, he had worked for the company before, but he had to go through the training like the rest of us. After a week he was stomping all over everyone's last nerve.

He even went so far as to ask to be excused from things that the rest of us were required to do. Take for instance, one of my fiends was asked to come in and answer questions about what it was like to be 'on the floor'. Since he had already worked that department before he asked if he 'had to be there'. I know he didn't mean it the way it came out, but he made it sound like it was beneath him. My friend, not knowing how to take him, was clearly offended.

So, of course I proceeded to call him God. You know, since no one is higher up than God, he must be it. Anytime anyone would say "Jesus" or "Oh my God" I would pipe up.

"Dave, you gonna let them take your name in vain, dude? If I were you I would smite them." And with a look that was dead serious, "Just out of curiosity, what exactly does smiting entail?" And I would sit there, fully expecting an answer.

Instead of saying 'Jesus Christ' I would say 'Hey Zues (and Dave's last name)'. Your getting the picture?

He really isn't as bad as it sounds, he is sort of like a male-me. I mock people a lot, and you can do that when it's funny. It also helps when your a girl. But when a guy does it, it just sounds mean.

And I had plenty of material in training, what with the kid that would pull his t-shirt up over his head and pretend he was a ninja, the guy that dressed (and talked) like a pirate every Friday and the kid that blew his first paycheck on the tackiest bling you have ever seen.

Black guys can pull off bling. This was a fat white guy who looked 12 years old. He came to work with a bicycle chain around his neck with a rhinestone superman emblem as big as your fist hanging from it. That alone gave me material for weeks.

Anyway, I digress. After we hit the floor The Lord did come up to me and say, "I am sorry I offended your friend." He was sincere. It is kinda hard to be mad at him anyway. You have to consider that he looks like a roughed up Charlie Brown with a goatee.

"Oh, she wasn't offended. She just figured you were an idiot."

Anyway, it probably would have died in training, if not for The Lord.

One night I was having a particularly bad night. It seemed I was getting every crayon, crazy as a bag of hammers customer on the planet. One after another. Finally I stood up, threw down my headset and exclaimed, "GOD HATES ME!"

From the other side of the divider in front of me, Dave pops up and with the dopiest look on his face says, "No I don't."

Too funny, it made my night.

Then I ended up in his little group doing the dispatch thing, and we have had a ball, its like having a straight man. The comedy is constant.

Once Ricky was added to the team we had someone to constantly pick on. You see, Ricky has only one facial expression, so it is fun to see if you can change it, even slightly. The Lord torments him constantly. Any time Ricky turns to ask him a question, he makes doe-eyed, kissy faces. Cracks me up!

Tonight, Ricky was trying to get help with one of his customers. He was trying to explain what the problem was, when the Lord interrupts him. He gives him this intense look and says, in a soft sweet voice, "I bet you sing like an angel."

Ricky looks at me, exasperated, "Where did that come from?"

I was in stitches, "I don't know, that was like right out of left field."

Blessed be to Dave.

While we are on the subject of old.

How old do you have to be before you decide it is okay to haul out a hanky and blow your nose wherever and whenever you feel like it? This old dude, standing at the counter, ordering breakfast, just whips it out!

And what is the deal with keeping the tissue after you are done? I watched an old girl drain her brain and then stuff the evidence up her sleeve. Is she afraid her DNA will fall into the wrong hands?

These were two separate sightings, both in MacDonald's.

It was pretty fuckin' appetizing, I tell you what.

I can't wait 'til I am that old and can gross people out with impunity.

The heat is on, Baby!

I am in the middle of threatening Ricky within an inch of his life. The Lord is loving it. (I call this one guy the lord....well that's another post) Anyway, I am scheduling an appointment for Ricky with an 80 year old man. I want him to promise to be nice to him. I am just about to tell him that if he fucks with me I will mess him up when I stop mid sentence.

I get this look on my face. I am feeling a bit odd.

"What?" Ricky and the Lord look concerned.

"I think I just had a hot flash."

Surprisingly, men don't want to engage in a conversation about hot flashes. They all turn around and try to make like they didn't hear me.

"I am not kidding, I totally think I just had a hot flash! At least it is what I imagine a hot flash to feel like, but I never had one before."

They all look at me like I asked them to taste my shit or something. I have a big stupid grin on my face.

"HOLY CRAP! I totally just had a hot flash!" I raise my hand to the Lord and try and get a high five. He has a deer in the headlight look. Men think as soon as you have a hot flash you immediately turn into some sort of axe murderer.

I lower my hand. "Dude, you know what this means? Since the 'shot' (depo) I haven't had a period." Deer in the headlights turns to mortified gasps. "Do you know how much money I save because of that? This means I also won't need to get shot in the ass with a needle every 3 months either!" I am giddy.

They are not getting with the program and I am getting irritated.

I raise my hand again, "What? I can't get a high five for the fucking hot flash?" He sees the murder in my eyes and reluctantly they both accept the hand slap.

"Cool!" You may live.

It will be hard to detox after being so drunk with power.

For the last couple of weeks I have had a pretty cushy job. Dispatch for one of the callback groups. Basically I harvest cases from a list, determine if they are handled by our group and if they are I schedule appointments.

The phone does not ring. I spend most of the day leaving voice mail for people who say they are going to be there and end up not.

I was having a ball with it, the guys in the group are a fun bunch. I had a lot of power. (Piss me off and I will schedule you to work with the crayon who wants to argue with you that ntldr is not part of the OS.) But of course I was a benevolent leader. They were just kidding when they put up on the pole mounted monitor "Deliver us from Evel!" They love me.

I figured I could sail this ship for a few months, you know, till I get bored (I bore easily) but it was not to be. I found out today that pretty much everyone (eventually) will be front line support for the new product launching next week.

SIGH! It was nice while it lasted.

Please stand by.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled 'YOU ARE HERE' post to bring you...



If you had asked me yesterday what one item I could guarantee that you will never, in a million years find in a dollar store. I wouldn't have even hesitated. Not for a heartbeat.

That was yesterday. Since yesterday, my world has been turned upside down. Black is white, up is down. Right there! Right next to the Purel and the dental floss.



This is not some photshop joke, I saw it yesterday and just had to returned today to get a picture. Need a closer look? Your eyes are not deceiving you.



Ok, if you are going to buy a pregnancy test for a buck? The results are really not that important to you.

But if you are? Then the results are certainly important to me. We should talk. I am really uncomfortable with your potential for reproduction.

License to kill maim cause a hairline scratch or slight abrasion.

That's it, your in for it now! I didn't find the instructions but I did get batteries.

And holy fuck! Five bucks for two triple A batteries! And people complain about a buck a liter for gas.

Anyway, I get the batteries in the camera and I start taking pictures. I get home and with a little software finagling, I get the pictures uploaded. Sans instructions. (pats self on back) It ends up being easier than the setup for my HP camera.

Yes this is a shot from my car, its a pig sty, I realize this and I am completely ok with it.

I take a few shots on the way home, some moving and some parked. Turned out pretty good, considering it was through the windshield. Did I mention this camera cost me $14.99? (and it has a key chain. bonus)



I don't know whether to be pissed or not. These pictures are nice. Even when I was moving.


The first shot is from my $300 HP digital camera and the second one is the $15 plastic spy camera.

I was robbed!

My life as a double knot spy.

I got myself a spy camera.

Haven't tried it out yet. I just found the transfer cable and I don't have a battery to fit it. Also, I can't find the instructions on how to use it.

But, by God, when I do, and if I can scrounge up 47 cents for a battery. Look out!

Wired for sound!

I just hooked up my new VOIP phone system.

I can't get over how easy it was. Took me all of 12 minutes and 10 of those were just because I had to wait for my cable modem to 'forget' its previous settings.

Usually, hardware and I do not get along but this thing was too easy.

My brother signed up for the same service and for some reason he can't seem to get it up and running. He was starting to scare me because I hadn't gotten my equipment yet and was anticipating a big production number to get it working. I still can't understand what his deal is.

The technology is pretty simple when you think of it. You plug this thing into your internet and your phone into it. It might be the equipment he chose. I went with the adapter/router, only because I was planning on getting a router to hard wire the boy into. I figured this would kill two birds and all that.

Any-whoo, it all went as smooth as silk.

Only thing was, I couldn't get a local number. They only have major city numbers so far, so anyone calling me would be calling long distance. At first I thought this would be a deal breaker but then it hit me. No more calls from people at 11 in the morning wondering what I am 'doing'. I work 5pm to 1am. What the hell do you think I am doing?

Now they will think twice before calling me just to 'chat'. If they wake me out of a dead sleep, at least they will pay for it. Good to know since I can't figure out how to strangle a person over the phone yet.

Yet.

This guy cracks me up.

Click on the image to go to YouTube to see the video. (it was taking too long to load on site)

You think a person can develop repetitive stress from the repeated application of sunglasses? We'll see if he applies for Workman's Comp in the near future.

I wonder if anyone has put together a compilation of Caruso talking all creepy-like to kids.

What the fuck?

They closed school yesterday. Understandable, there was a storm.



Take two! I wake up this morning, it is shittier than yesterday.



But guess what? The didn't cancel school. Who decides these things? The temperature is minus 17 (minus 24 with the wind chill) that's 1.4 Fahrenheit.

Sorry for the shitty pictures, but this is as close as I am getting to it. It is worse even than it looks.



How cold shitty is too shitty for school?

And another thing...

To the two guys from Iceland who are rolling their eyes at me.

I know, its cold where you are, but I hear its a dry cold.

Conversation with the squirrels living at Kelly's mother's house.

"Dudes, you have to stop eating the bird seed."

"What are you talking about, she puts it out for us."

"No, she puts it out for the birds."

"Uh, I didn't' see a label, and 'hello' it has nuts, I am a squirrel."

"I realize that the woman is putting food out where you can see/smell it but it is not for you."

"But it is up in the tree, that is where we live, I tell you it is for us."

"No, sorry, it is for the birds."

"Fuck the birds, those shit factories fly south, it is totally for us."

"Nope."

"Ok, what about the stuff she hangs on the clothesline, that has got to be meant for us, birds don't live on poles."

"Sorry, wrong again."

"She does realize that she is sending us mixed signals, right? Shit, you think that is why the man-boy is shooting at us? I thought he was shooting at the birds?"

"For some reason she thinks you are smarter than the birds and can read the memo she sent."

"What memo, I didn't' get the memo, did you get the memo?"

"What does he have against squirrels? We don't shit on his car. Although...fuck it, I'll give it a shot."

"Hold on there..."

"No worries, Woody, we got 'er covered."

What exactly are you thinking?

For the love of God and all things holy, if you are going to chew gum, close your fucking mouth.

Anyone who ever had to talk to some idiot while he was chawing down on gum like his life depended on it knows what I am talking about. You know the ones, that put their heart and soul into it, use every muscle in their entire head to get it done. And God help you if they are also a stretcher. Grabbing the slimy mess and stretching it out the length of their arm. I don't need to see that, fuck!


If I have to look at one more person's back molars while they smack down on some juicy fruit, I am going to fucking hurl!

You know what your mother used to say? "You look like your chewing cud" She was right. Only you have no excuse unless you are storing up milk to feed the entire western seaboard.

If you can't manage to chew your gum without making the rest of civilization lose their fuckin' lunch, then don't do it at all!

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

Selfish Bitch!

Kinda pissed off right now.

I wish Sinead O'Connor hadn't turned out to be crazy as a bag of hammers.

Maybe the bald chick thing would have taken off. She was such a selfish bitch.

I am having a bad hair day.

YOU ARE HERE - 01-14-07 (and where you were)

-germ a phobes (three separate searches from Japan)
-evel tower (a search from Saudi Arabia)
-do i look like I just fell off the pea truck(someone from Eastman Kodak Company)
-eva porn (a search from Finland, sorry buddy)
-6 weird things about me (from South Africa)
-evil pencil (guy from Athens, Georgia)
-i think therefore i am single (Australia)
-nova scotia surf film (search is from Florida BRRRRR! Dude, stay home.)
-time is a precious thing, and therefore (Long Beach)
-pentagon where plane 77 (California)
-conspiracy theories (South Africa At least I didn't make the first page on that one.)
-eva littleton (Reston, Verginia - absolutely no idea)
-snowblower sova scotia (someone in Halifax, probably looking for the Canadian Tire)
-national de-lurking week (looking at my counter, I declare it mostly a failure)

Last but not least...a guy from Brighton, Michigan looking for 'labatt blue radio commercial'. You gotta see 'Office Glen' its a classic. (although Molson, not Labatt) Not sure why google would send you to a site that has Molson and Keith's commercials, but all Canadian beer commercials are funny. And if you liked that, you have to see 'Chasing Beaver'.

"Party on, Wayne." "Party on, Garth."

How long can you beat a dead horse with a slide rule?

DON: "There is a serial killer out there somewhere!"

CHARLIE:"If I can just determine if he picked his nose as a child, I can create an algorithm to catch him."

DON: "Someone is threatening to bomb the White House!"

CHARLIE: "If I can determine how many candy bars he has shoved up his nose, I can create an algorithm to catch him."

DON: "Someone ate all the Captian Crunch!"

CHARLIE: "If I could get an actuate count of the number of hairs on the back of the suspects hands, I could create an algorithm to catch him."

DON: "Charlie, I swear to God, if you say algorithm one more time I will rip your head off and shit down your neck!"

CHARLIE: " Well, Don, theoretically speaking, the laws of quantum physics disallows....AAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!"

DON: "I warned you, you little shithead!"

DAD: "Save some of that for me, I should have drowned that little nerd at birth."

I mean, for real? Let that poor horse die already.

Order now! Supplies limited!

This is quite possibly the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

It is a joke, of course, but this site is so well put together, I know that some crayon is completely convinced he can get one of these things for his kid.

Can you imagine?

The site says,

"That’s right, Genpets are not toys or robots. They are living, breathing genetic animals.

We use a process called "Zygote Micro Injection" which is quickly becoming a favourable method to combine DNA, or to insert certain proteins from different species. Most notably it was used in 1997 to splice mice with bioluminescent jellyfish (link) and has since been used to create glowing rabbits, pigs, fish, and monkeys (link). Since then, human DNA has been injected into rabbits, chimpanzees, spider DNA into sheep, and now, Genpets have arrived!"

This puts me in mind of Gremlins, remember how well that turned out.

If this were true, how freaking creepy would that be? Would you have this thing in your house? I can totally see myself beating this thing to death with a broom in the middle of the night.

Haven't we all seen enough 80's 'B' movies to know, that this would not have a happy ending?

Just for shits and giggles.

When I first posted (Inter)National De-Lurking Week, I started a counter. You see it on the right. As I write this it is showing 237 visitors in 28 countries. WOW! So my comment section should be bursting you say? You think? Not!

I got eleven comments. Eleven. ONE ONE. That's it.

Now, account for people who accidentally got to my site,(clicked the wrong link or something) or were searching for something weird. (like buddy from Saudi Arabia searching for 'evil tower' or another buddy from Finland, searching for 'Evel Porn', sorry buddy) So, if that constitutes (lets say) 50 of the lurkers. What's up with the rest of you?

On Radmila's site, a commenter revealed that the reason they rarely post is that they did so at one site and the next time they went back, the site was set as private, because "unwanted people were reading it and posting" . Who the hell puts comments on their site and then closes the site because people are posting? For that matter, who the hell puts up a site (on the INTERNET) if they don't want people to read it? Perplexing.

Anyway, that got me thinking. Why don't you comment? Let's hear from you, anonymously, of course. If you think I am being an asshole, say so, I can take it. Hell, sometimes I post that way just to see if I can get a rise out of ya. At this point, I would settle for a flame war. I have never had one and I am starting to feel put out.

And another thing...if you think this is just my online persona you are sadly mistaken. This is me, warts and all, online and off. I know for a fact there are plenty of people that would love to tell me off, if not to my face. If they had the slightest inkling that I had this forum they would be all up in my shit. If you only knew what a great opportunity you were missing out on.

The reason I include the comments is because I invite the interaction. What keeps you from posting or just saying 'Hi' even if I were to ask you to specifically to do so?

In the interest of scientific research, I beg of you, tell me why!

At least he has a roof over his head.

Dear Asshole that I had sex with 16 years ago:

Just wanted to let you know that your son had stovetop stuffing today for supper. No, just the stovetop, nothing else.

I thought it would be only prudent that I drop you a line to thank you for withholding the child support yet again, he eats entirely too much anyway.

As always you are the thoughtful parent who thinks of his long term heath, childhood obesity is a real problem with today's kids.


I am sure he would thank you himself, but he says he is too weak. He is such a whiner. Kids today, so spoiled.

What would we do without you?

Evel

Happy (Inter)National De-Lurking Week!

January 8th to 12th is the Third Annual (Inter)National De-Lurking Week!

If you are reading this then I am talking to you. I know you are there, I can hear you breathing.

Would it kill ya to say Hi? Ok, you don't have to necessarily do it here, I am ok with it. I will be trying to de-lurk on all the blogs on my link list and I urge you to do the same.

If you are on a blog or a website that allows comments, all you have to do is make your presence known. It can be anonymous, but what is the fun in that?



It's all about speaking up and saying 'Hey!'. Spread the joy. Make yourself heard.

After all, lurking sounds so dirty.

You are here...01-08-07

a boy could get a complex
nova scotia jokes
home for christmas 1949
weird things
halifax 2007 nova scotia
why live in nova scotia
creepy things in Mt Laurel NJ
you know you live in winnipeg when
jokes about nova scotians
the winter of 1932 was so cold that niagara falls
what is it like to live in nova scotia
blogspot surf nova scotia

Mahnahmahna

I defy you not to sing along.



Classic.

Something Fishy?

I know, the conspiracy theories are out there, and most people just roll their eyes and say 'ya sure'. But as I am watching this video, I am thinking.

How the hell does that second plane get anywhere near the towers? Its a clear day, you would have to seen it coming from (several) miles away. Where is the military?



TIMELINE:

7:59 A.M. - American Airlines Flight 11, a Boeing 767 with 92 people on board, departs Boston's Logan International Airport bound for Los Angeles International Airport.

8:14 A.M. - United Airlines Flight 175, a Boeing 767 with 65 people on board, departs from Boston's Logan International Airport bound for Los Angeles International Airport.

8:20 A.M. - American Airlines Flight 77, a Boeing 757 with 64 people on board, departs Washington Dulles International Airport bound for Los Angeles International Airport.

8:40 A.M. - The FAA notifies NORAD's Northeast Air Defense Sector of the suspected hijacking of American Airlines Flight 11.

And yet, 2 minutes later they let a plane take off?

8:42 A.M. - United Airlines Flight 93, a Boeing 757 with 44 people on board, departs from Newark International Airport bound for San Francisco International Airport.

8:43 A.M. - The FAA notifies NORAD's Northeast Air Defense Sector of the suspected hijacking of United Airlines Flight 175.

8:45 A.M. - American Airlines Flight 11 crashes into the north World Trade Center tower (1 Tower).

8:46 A.M. - Jet fighters are scrambled from Otis Air National Guard Base in Fallmouth, Massachusetts.

9:03 A.M. - United Airlines Flight 175 crashes into the south World Trade Center tower (2 Tower).

That's 18 minutes! Where the hell is the military? In those 18 minutes, you would think that the FAA would have had any other plane turn the fuck around! And it would only take one minute to figure out that they were not turning the fuck around. I could pick this time line apart all fuckin' day, but you get the picture?

9:08 A.M. - The FAA bans all takeoffs of flights going to or through New York airspace.

9:17 A.M. - The FAA shuts down all New York City-area airports.

9:21 A.M. - All bridges and tunnels into Manhattan are closed.

9:24 A.M. - The FAA notifies NORAD's Northeast Air Defense Sector of the suspected hijacking of American Airlines Flight 77

Why the hell does NORAD need to be notified? Isn't it their job to already know these things?

I am just saying. There is a lot of fishy'ness going on here. Don't get me started on the magical vaporizing plane that hit the Pentagon. You know the Pentagon? That place with only a still security camera in the parking lot?

Shit, even the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ has a video camera in the parking lot.

To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Wendy's:

If you are going to jump all over me the second I pull up to the speaker, then back the fuckin' menu up a couple feet so I can figure out what I want. And tell that retard you have working the other end, that when I say 'give me a sec' I do not mean that literally.

Kisses,

Evel

Dear Steven Segal:

If the girl on the floor has a bullet hole between her eyes. You can skip the whole 'checking of the pulse' part of the program.

Oh and if you are in the middle of suburbia and the cop chick you are with gets shot. You take her to the fucking hospital, Moron. You don't throw her on the fucking table, jam a bottle of tequila down her throat and dig out the bullet with a kitchen knife.

Who raised you?

Evel

Dear Evel's Long Term Memory:

I know you are fickle, but do you think you could kick in for the important stuff? Like to remind her why she never buys apple juice? You have no problem reminding her that she likes apple juice. You couldn't take that tiny extra step and remind her also that it tears the fucking guts out of her and she will be gorging on Tums for a week and the acid reflux will drive her insane?

Yours Respectfully,

Evel

Dear SUV Asshole in front of me in the Tim Horton's Drive-thru:

People use the drive-thru because they don't have time to go in and sit down for a coffee.

If you need to order 16 sandwiches and 14 coffee and have all your muffins heated up with butter, then get the fuck off your fat ass and go in and order. I have to get to fuckin' work.

Amen,

Evel

Dear Large Grocery Chain:

If you are going to have an 'express' lane, please do not put a cashier in charge that has less than 10 minutes of experience.

'Express' should not mean 'as fast as this particular shithead can go'.

And put someone in there with some balls. She can see that this person ahead of me has more than 10 items, but she says nothing. So, not only is she ringing his shit through at a snails pace, she is allowing him to break the rules of the express lane.

Just once, I want to see the cashier push a button that trips an alarm, complete with sirens and flashing lights. Goes on the loud speaker and says,

"Attention Shoppers!

Due to the inexplicable selfishness of this illiterate, mathematically challenged prick..." she looks at him, "No offense but we do have this huge lighted sign that says 10 items or less and I don't see a white cane or a fucking guide dog." Back to her announcement,

"As I was saying, Thanks to the misplaced superiority complex of this dick wad, there will be a delay in the normal speedy service you receive in this lane. You can thank Mr. 25 Items here for his overblown sense of self-importance, he clearly believes his time is more precious than anyone else's. You can furthermore thank this useless piece of shit for wasting the next 10 minutes of your life with his asshole-ness.

Thank you for shopping at Large Grocery Chain."

A girl can dream.

Evel

Sounds of the Season

The boy stands, listening to the rain. Wait. No, that is the sound of the needles falling off the tree. Very similar.

"You think its time to take down the Christmas tree?"

"I thought I would wait till after Chinese New Year."

"When is that?"

"Uh, I don't know."

He gives me a look that says, 'don't you think you should find out?'

"I figured Dick Clark would have a special ..."

The boy rolls his eyes a lot, he should get that checked.

Germ-a-Phobes.

Germ-a-Phobes have always fascinated me. And when I say fascinate, I mean exasperate. Unless you live in a bubble, your rituals make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Picture it, Sicily ...

Ok, anyway. Six or seven girls, sitting in our row one night at work. One of the girls asks another for a drink of her bottled water to take a pill.

The girl accepts the water that is so graciously offered to her. She opens the cap and before drinking it, proceeds to wipe the mouth of the bottle with her sleeve.

I immediately got this 'Oh no you di'ent!' look on my face and before I could stop myself, I rolled my eyes at her and snorted.

"You can't tell me you never had a dick in your mouth."

Surprisingly, it didn't go over as well as you might think.

Next time you have the urge to gag when you see someone double-dipping the nachos, think for a moment what you may have had your lips wrapped around last night.

And don't think for one minute that I have forgotten what you told me.

Nice girls don't spit.

Happy New Year!

So, where y'all from?

Ripped from my 'Recent Visitor Activity' log:

Ontario, Oakville, Canada
Ontario, Toronto, Canada
New Brunswick, St. John, Canada
British Columbia, Surrey, Canada
British Columbia, Vancouver, Canada
Quebec, Montreal, Canada
Alberta, Calgary, Canada
Nova Scotia, Halifax, Canada

Virginia, Reston, United States
Virginia, Herndon, United States
Colorado, Littleton, United States
Texas, Dallas, United States
Texas, Tyler, United States
Maryland, Silver Spring, United States
Massachusetts, Somerville, United States
Massachusetts, Boston, United States
Massachusetts, Cambridge, United States
Michigan, Corunna, United States
Idaho, Pocatello, United States
New York, Nyack, United States
New York, New York, United States
Arizona, Tucson, United States
Wisconsin, Waukesha, United States
Wisconsin, Kendall, United States
Washington, Redmond, United States
Washington, Tacoma, United States
Missouri, St. Louis, United States
California, Hercules, United States
California, Sunnyvale, United States
California, San Jose, United States
New Jersey, Mt. Laurel, United States
New Jersey, Trenton, United States
Iowa, Newton, United States
Florida, Clearwater, United States
Ohio, Cincinnati, United States
Ohio, Williamsburg, United States
Oregon, Salem, United States
Nebraska, Lincoln, United States

England, Birmingham, United Kingdom
England, Portsmouth, United Kingdom
England, Sheffield, United Kingdom

Coimbra, Coimbra, Portugal

Valencia, Valencia, Spain

Ile-de-france, Paris, France

Wilayah Persekutuan, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Western Australia, Perth, Australia

Singapore, Singapore, Singapore

Turkey

Buenos Aires, San Martin, Argentina

Brussels, Brussels, Belgium

Finland

Region Metropolitana, Santiago, Chile

Lombardia, Milano, Italy

Dubai, Dubai, United Arab Emirates

New Zealand

Zuid-holland, The Hague, Netherlands

Just like to send out a 'hey' to all who stopped by.

How's it goin' 'eh?
Bonjour
Howdy
S'up
Hey y'all
God dæg
Bom dia
Apa khabar
G'day
Merhaba
Selam
Iyi gunler
Hallo
Goeiendag
Bonjour
Heippa
Moi
Guten tag
Hola
Ciao
Marhaba
Namaste
Selamat
Namaskaram
Vanakkam
Nalama
Oy
Kia ora
Morgen

If I missed anyone, just give me a shout. Hope you all have a great 2007.