God Bless America.

Ok, loyal reader. It�s been a bit since I have updated this thing, but I suppose I am not as bad as some people (Laurie).

The vacation went well, uneventful. I was pretty much holed up in the house the whole time. And no, I did not take the opportunity to clean my house. I did have a couple false starts where I actually started to do it, but I snapped out of it.

So, I am all set to go back to work on Monday. Problem was, I was scheduled to go back on Sunday. Lucky for me I ,for some bazaar reason known only to my subconscious, asked someone that was working on Saturday to check my schedule.

I have to tell you that when I took that first call on Sunday, I was noticeably chipper. Even when someone (with stolen software) told me that I was a worthless piece of shit and that I should be thanking him for fighting for my freedom (he was overseas somewhere). To which I replied cheerfully that I was in Canada. He just about lost his mind. �Well, that explains it then doesn�t it.�

Does it? I didn�t ask him to clarify that, I just told him that if he wanted to purchase some legitimate software that I would be more than happy to help him. He was ranting at this time, and I was thinking how secure I would feel as an American citizen to know that this guy was over there (wherever the hell that is) representing the country. Now that is not to say that I believe that �that guy� represents the whole of the American public, but he does represent the vast majority that I come in contact with at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

I don�t know who coined the phrase, Ugly Americans but I am pretty sure they worked in customer service.

And another thing...

For those junkies out there that need your fix, here is a beaute that I got on Monday.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah�

This woman is freaking out, talking a mile a minute, ranting and raving. About how we sent her this computer and she installed the software and nothing was working. She wouldn�t let me get a word in edgewise. Finally I picked out of her fit the words Product 95. --Whoa�..obviously obsolete product alert.--

�Hold on, Mamme? Did you say Product95?�

�Yes, I installed it and nothing is working only a blank screen! I just got this computer today and it was fine till I installed the software.� It is always fun when they say this, not sure what fine was without software running on the computer, but you bite your tongue because stating the obvious to these turnips only causes more grief.

�Let me see if I understand, you received this computer today? From who?�

�YOU GUYS SENT IT TO ME.�

�The software? Or the Computer.?�
�THE WHOLE THING.�

�Ah, Mamme, we don�t make computers, only software. And we don�t make Product95 anymore, it is completely obsolete. Are you sure its Product95?� She reads the disc, and yes it is.

�YOU GUYS SENT ME THIS COMPUTER�.�

I couldn�t stop myself, �No, we didn�t.� She lost her mind, I think if anyone else was in the room with her she would be carted away to a nut house somewhere, she was freaking that much.

Ok, trying to calm her down I asked her to describe the computer to me, trying to find our exactly who �sent� it to her.

�The only words I can see printed on this thing is IBM.�

Lord love a duck! �Ok, Mamme, that computer is an IBM, IBM sent it to you. I am not sure why they would send Product95 with it, but lets see what we can find out.�

�I DON�T HAVE TO SEE ANYTHING, THIS COMPUTER DOESN�T WORK. COME AND TAKE IT BACK!�
<--CLICK-->

Okey dokey, I'll get right on that.

I often wish I could be a fly on the wall when they come to the realization that they were stunned enough to call the wrong number and act like a moron. But hey, if they weren't morons, I would be out of a job.

God Bless America.

Ya sure, it could happen.

Posted at Pickle Juice are halarious horoscopes. Go on over and check yours out.

Here is mine, and I am soooo sure it is soooo true.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a SOB. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Could be worse, it could have said some crap about my moon being in Jupiter. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I didn't even know I had a moon, and is it 'THE' moon or just 'A' moon? And if its 'THE' moon, then I want them to get back up there and rake the lawn and clean up the picnic area. Fuckin' tourists!

Do people really take this shit seriously? I mean really? Are you telling me that every single person on the planet that was born between October 23 and November 21 is having the exact same kind of day as me? PUL-LEASE! Come on people, think about it.

A long boring story�.you were warned.

My mother suffers from manic depression. Totally treatable and manageable. As long as you keep yourself on an even keel. My mother also has high blood pressure, thyroid disease, diabetes and Parkinson's. Needless to say, getting her medication to sync with the lithium was quite a challenge but we had finally gotten a handle on it, we were even to the point where she was no longer shaking.

Part of the treatment of manic depression is the elimination of stress, so over the years I have slowly taken over her finances. I would pay her bills and take her shopping. I never told her when her finances were low and if she ran out of money I would just make some lame excuse for why I couldn�t bring her any cash. �The bank machine was out of order. �I left my wallet at work� things like that, then I would just give her cash from my pay check. I never told her how much her groceries came to, and if she insisted on knowing, I would tell her $100 less than what they really were. Things like this were small, but kept the stress levels down. How well you respond to lithium treatment depends on emotional and social factors in addition to physical ones, and lithium is the key to keeping her from going manic.

Well she became so stress free that she thought that she could do it all by herself. I put her off for a while and thought I could figure out a way for her to do this without stress, I was working on having her bills come automatically out of the bank, have a cap put on cash withdrawals, that sort of thing. I was hoping that she would just forget about it. But apparently the only thing that she did forget about was the wigging out she used to do. And stress is a funny thing, even when you are doing something you think you want, the fact that you are doing it all by yourself is stressful.

Anyway, apparently she has been voicing her desire to be independent to my brother. The one that comes by to see her once a month even though he drives by her house everyday. So he decides to encourage her (with, no doubt, the help of my other two brothers, the ones that swing by once a year to see their mother). �She�s doing so well.� not even taking into consideration why she was doing so well. Well I just freaked when I heard that he was taking her to the bank to get a new bank card. WTF is wrong with this guy. I marched over to my mothers and said, �If he thinks he can take over, more power to him.� gave her the bank card and walked out.

That was three weeks ago. So far she has bought out a couple of stores, taxi�ed all over town, and lost her bank card. Which was a blessing, I figured at least she wouldn�t spend all her money now that the bank card was gone. Wrong, I find out that she is borrowing money all over town.

And to cap it all off? She is totally flipped her wig. She is all over the place, talking a mile a minute, babbling about things that happened 20 years ago, one minute singing the next minute mad as hell all the while shaking from the Parkinson�s. Not sleeping, moving furniture at 3 in the morning and knocking on peoples doors at 7am. There she is, Miss Independent.

I am over there the other day and she is talking to my brother on the phone. Then she hands the phone to me, �He wants to talk to you.�

My brother: �What are we going to do with her?�

�We?� Oh no, he did NOT say we.

�We�ll talk later�, Oh most definitely!

Well when I got home I couldn�t wait, I fire off this email.

Subject: THANKS!


I just wanted to thank you boys for undoing what it took years to do. Your mother now has her "independence" and all that entails. Unfortunately what that entails is stress. And for a manic depressive*** that means your mother is now completely manic. You might want to call and get yourself a progress report. And add to the "manic" she has now (after just a few weeks) started shaking again from the Parkinson. Her medication is a balance, and it all hinges on the lithium*** doing its job.

I have taken her for bloodwork this morning, and with some luck I might be able to get her back to the way she was but then again, she might crash first.

You see their was a reason that I didn't let take care of her own bills, stress. There was a reason that I didn't let her have her bank card, she spends money hand over fist and then when she would run out she would eat peanut butter and crackers till her check came in again. I would never tell her how much her grocery order came to either. These things are to keep her on an even keel, not to "rip her off" or whatever you three were thinking(from how many hundred miles away, I might add). Being irritated with me for not bringing her something she wanted was easier (for her)than her being stressed out over having no money. Independence? She is 75 years old, that was her independence.

Next time you genius's have a great idea on how to HELP Mom, you might want to run it past the person that sees her every single day and has actually spoken to her doctor.

Thanks guys, appreciate it.

Evel


*** "A major step in the treatment of manic depression occurred in 1949 with the discovery that a simple chemical compound, lithium carbonate, would control the major mood swings of that illness. It behaved as a prophylactic, damping out future manic swings. Lithium is the lightest metallic element and occurs naturally in small proportions in much of our food. How well you respond to lithium treatment depends on emotional and social factors in addition to physical ones."

The bitch of it is? It is going to take me months to get her back the way she was, if at all. I don't� even know if I have it in me anymore. But I know that if I left it to those three rocket scientists, their solution would be to put her in a home. Forget the fact that she was perfectly fine, till they stuck their nose into it.

Men, can�t live with them, can�t shoot them in the face.

More�s the pity.

"Long ago, I was a little girl, just like you! "

When I was 5, my father was drinking and my mother, after just having my little brother, "wigged out" Clearly neither she, nor my father could take care of us so me and my 4 brothers and my sister had to be put in foster care. For seven months (which is a long time for a 5 year old) my sister and I were separated not only from our parents but from our brothers.

It's a long drawn out story and I have told it before on here so I won't repeat myself. Suffice to say it was traumatic for all of us. I remember that we spent Christmas away from home and family that year. Christmas was a big deal to a big Catholic family. That year, my father bought me this Mrs. Beasley doll.



When I was lonely for my mother, I would pull her string and she would make me feel better. God, I loved that doll.

Even reading these quotes from her voice box, I can hear her little granny voice and it makes me cry.

"I do think you're the nicest little friend I ever had!"

"Gracious me, you're getting to be such a big girl!"

"It would be such fun to play jump rope don't you think? "

"Speak a little louder dear, so Mrs. Beasley can hear you. "

"If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for? "

"Would you like to try on my glasses? You may if you wish. "

"Do you want to play? "

"If you were a little smaller, I could rock you to sleep. "

"Long ago, I was a little girl, just like you! "

"Do you want to hear a secret? I know one! "

"You may call me Mrs. Beasley, would you like to play?"

I really have to find one, it is my new mission in life. Before I am dead, I will have one again.

Finally, fame....can fortune be far behind?

And another thing... made the BlogsCanada's Top 10 Blogs - November 2003

It was an honor just to be nominated. I promise you all that I will try not to forget all the little people I had to step on to get to where I am today.

Another year, another wrinkle.

The old girl is 38.

I tried to party last night, but after 2 drinks (Beer and Lemon Rum) I got a splitting headache. My best friend, in her infamous wisdom, thought a nice big fat joint would "fix me right up".

Well, before that I was an old girl with a headache.....afterwards I was just a stoned old girl.....with a headache. I didn't even make it to the hot tub, and I was looking forward to that.

Oh well, maybe next year.

Note to self: "You are old, you cannot mix drinks like when you were.....well, like when you weren't old."

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life
my 8 day vacation!

Today is the first day of my vacation. You would think that I would sleep in eh? Well no, that would be wasting my time on vacation. So, how am I spending my first day? Cleaning the house. I know....I think I might be ill. No, not ill, I just want the place clean for all the lounging I will be doing for the next 8 days.

I also have my birthday to look forward to on the 3rd. Too bad I won't get a paycheck till the 6th. Oh well, you can't be rich and beautiful. We all have our own crosses to bare.

With any luck the satalite dish will not go out for at least a week. Cross your fingers and pray to the satalite god.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween fun at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.



Oh no, Deb is off her meds!



We already know men are big babies.

The call that broke the camel�s...well, you know.

Was doing a shift of overtime tonight. I love doing overtime. You can come in whenever you feel like it, take breaks whenever you want and the calls don�t get to you so much because you know that at any point you can just sign out and go home.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�Ya, how do I find Windows on my computer?� Huh?

�I�m not sure what you mean, mamme?�

�Windows�...where is it?�

�Is your computer on?�

�Yes.�

�Then your looking at it.�

�Where? I just bought this new computer and I was told that windows came on it, how do I find it? I know it must be in here somewhere, but I don�t know where to look. I paid good money to have windows put on my machine, I think I have been ripped off.�

This is a joke. Is this a joke? This has to be a joke, right?

�Um, oh kay, can you click on your start button?�

�Yes, ok, now what?�

�Well mamme, the simple fact that you can click on your start button tells me that you are looking at windows. Windows is your operating system. It is everything you see. It runs everything else on your computer. I don�t know how else to explain it. The screen, the buttons, the menus...all of it. Its all windows.�

You can almost feel the blood rush to this idiots face. She was all full of righteous indignation because she �paid good money� and now she is realizing that she has just proved to at least one other person on this planet that she is a complete and utter moron.

That call broke me, I signed out and went home. I just knew it could only go down hill from there.

Same shit, different time of day.

I started my new shift at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� today. Sort of hard to get used to waking up at a decent hour of the day and getting home in time to watch the tube.

The shift went well. It was busy all day but it seemed that the people who call through the day are a bit more......lets just say? Stable? That's not to say I didn't get any nutbars, but they were more often sane than insane. I did think that the shift seemed to go by quicker. I even had a trainee sitting with me. (heaven help her) She listened to a few calls including this one:

Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah...

"Ya, I need help reinstalling my Product A."

"Certainly, do you have the installation disc?"

"No." WTF?

"Ah, how do you intend to reainstall sir?"

"Jesus Christ, that's what I called you for. Stop wasting my time and just get it done!"

<--CLICK-->

Boy is he going to be pissed when after an hour or so he realizes that I did not do what he told me to. You know, teleport myself into his room and install the software for him.

After that call I said to the trainee, who clearly looked stricken, "You take the next one, chances are you won't get two whacko's in a row." Talk about deer in the headlights. I told her I would talk and she could work the tools, and I promised her I would talk slow. Luckily I got a decent guy who didn't get pissed off when I did this.

Sometimes we talk slow during the last call of the night so we can drag it out till closing. You know, if it is 5 minutes to closing, we don't want to finish in 4 minutes and have to take another call at one minute to. They always turn out to be some nut case that won't shut up and deal with the fact that we are closing and I can't put them through to technical support. So for the last call we try and drag it out and some people get very irritated at that. I had one guy try and tell me that I was trying to stall him till the cops got there. This is what I deal with every day.

I love my job. It is never boring.

WTF?

I am a CSI junkie. I just have one question.

What is up with the fucking flashlights? Wouldn't it be easier to just turn on the fucking lights?

Men think of the stupidest things to do.

Who else thinks David Blaine is just a whakko with a gimmic?
David Blaine - Above The Below

UPDATE:This guy is a street magician, and I have to say that when he is doing that he is very impressive. I am not sure what these stunts have to do with his talent as a magician. The last one he did was a box made of ice....or was it burried alive? not sure. But as a magician he is one of those guys that freak you out how good he is. One that comes to mind is he takes a string or thread from a persons clothing....swallows it and has it actually come out of this stomache.....I mean he lifts up his own shirt and pulls the string from his skin. FREAKS THE PERSON RIGHT OUT! OH OH and he pulls the head off a live chicken? Right there on the street, no prep, no studio no stage. Freaky! If you ever see on your tv guide, "David Blaine - Street Magic" watch it, it is unbelievalbe. He should stick to the magic.

More money than brains.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�Ya, my online banking is not working.�

�Ok, what version of the product are you using?�

�2000�

�Well, Mamme, 2000 is now considered an obsolete program. That is probably why you are experiencing problems. As your bank updates, the further behind you stay the more problems you are going to have.�

�Can�t you help me?�

�Well, not with the obsolete programs, we have no one here trained on them. The banking program is upgraded every year so they go obsolete pretty quick. If you were to upgrade to 2004, which is the newest version, it should solve your problem. Now, if it doesn�t you can call us back and we do provide free support for the new version.�

�Oh, that�s how its gonna be is it? A scheme to make us buy new software.�

�No Mamme, you can use the 2000 version forever if you like, as long as your bank doesn�t upgrade then you don�t have to.�

�But this thing is only 3 years old.�

�We put out a new version of that every year.�

�So I have to buy this thing again?�

�No Mamme, you don�t have to do anything, but if you want to do online banking you may have to. You can call your bank and see if they can support the 2000. The banks require encryption updates in order to make online banking more secure. Encryption that existed in 2000 may not be adequate for today�s banking needs. And since we cannot predict the future here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, we come out with a new version of the banking software every year. That is why the price is so affordable.� (its $20, but she wouldn�t let me get that out of my face before she lost her mind.)

She is screaming now, �Or I could just buy Quicken, cuz you guys suck. You can just go f#$%...�

<--CLICK-->

That time she hung up on me. Before I could tell her that Quicken was $80 as opposed to our $20. A perfect example of more money than brains.

Overheard.

(Bev gets all the real whackos.)

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Bev, blah blah blah�

�Ya, my thingy doesn�t work.�

�Your thingy Mamme? What thingy would that be?�

�You know�.the thingy. I am trying to buy something online and the thingy won�t work.�

�Is it asking you for your credit card?�

�Yes and when I put my card in the thingy, it keeps asking me to enter my credit card.�

�I still don't understand what thingy you are talking about.�

�The ATM thingy in the front of my computer. I put my credit card in there but it still keeps asking me for the information.�

<--CLICK-->

Don�t blame her for hooking that one.

Survival of the fittest.

I am not a cook. That said, there are two exceptions. Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Now when I say I am not a cook. I don�t mean that I can�t cook, I mean I do not cook. If you see me at the grocery store ringing up my purchases, you would swear I was a frat boy with just a hot plate and a microwave in my dorm room. It is all pre-packaged and microwavable. It all makes perfect sense considering the fact that I don�t do dishes.

But hey, its Thanksgiving and the �boy� was looking a little peckish so I decided at noon on Saturday (my day off) that I would have turkey dinner. Its not the best idea on a holiday weekend to go and search for a turkey but as luck (or unluck) would have it, I found not only a turkey but an unfrozen one.

I spend the rest of the afternoon making stuffing, cutting potatoes, peeling carrots, the whole nine yards. The turkey is almost done at 5 and I proceed to turn on the veggies.

This is the point where my stove, who as you remember is only asked to perform twice a year, decides to lose its mind.

�WTF? We didn�t discuss this. You want to turn the oven on? Ok, and what? ALL the burners? At once? I am gonna have to think about this.� �Ya know what? NO!�

I just get the veggies to a rolling boil when the fuses for the burners blow. POP! POP! POP!

The sane thing to do at that moment would be to go out and find some fuses to replace it. It was after supper on a holiday weekend, I would have to search the various convenience stores for fuses. That would have taken effort and I am all about taking the low road. Now, since I really didn�t have any company coming, I decided to go another way. I just cooked the veggies one at a time on the one remaining burner. (Martha Stewart, I ain�t.)

Needless to say it was midnight before my turkey dinner was ready for consumption. But it was damn good. If I do say so myself. Now I have until Dec 24 to get new fuses for the stove. Maybe Santa will put some in my stocking.

The dangers of in-breeding.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�I jes got a cumputa and evray thin is warkin fahn but I can�t see m�self� (my feeble attempt at a Bostonian accent.

�Excuse me?� (translation: WTF?)

�I can�t see m�self, all the cullas are wrawng.�

I don't have the patience for this. Is he talking about his reflection in the monitor? (don�t laugh, it has happened before)

�I am not sure what you mean sir, is the screen blank, is that what you mean?�

�Naw, evray thin else is fahn, but I can�t see m�self, the cullas are wrawng.�

Jesus H. Christ �Sir, do you have a webcam?�

�Ya, and the cullas a wrawng.�

After explaining to him that we don't make web cams, that we are a software company, I give him the number for the maker of the web cam and send him on his way.

I wonder if his mom and dad were brother and sister?

What do you want for nothing?

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah�

�I am trying to install this upgrade and I am getting an error message�

�What is the error message you are getting?�

�Product A cannot find a qualifying product on drive C�

�And do you have a previous version installed?�

�No, I threw it away, but this should work.�

�No sir, what you purchased is an upgrade. It is looking for a previous version to upgrade.�

�But this should have the whole version on it.�

�No sir, it is an upgrade.� I get him to read the disc, it clearly states that this software will search your system for a qualifying product.

�So, I have to go out and spend another $400 and get a full version?�

�Well sir, if you purchased the upgrade it was only $240, that�s why it wasn�t $400 it is not the full version, it is only an upgrade. If you like you can get your money back for the upgrade and purchase the full version.�

�Like Bill doesn�t have enough money he needs to force us to buy a full version of this?� Oh ya, he�s like the mafia that way.

�Actually sir, Bill is giving people who previously purchased a full version of the software a break by selling them an upgrade at a reduced price.�

�That doesn�t make sense. All the software should be full versions. Upgrades should have the full version of the software.� This guy is stomping all over my last nerve. I am so not in the mood for this.

�That doesn�t make sense sir. If you threw away your car and then turned around and bought new tires for that car, would you expect to still be able to drive the car?�

�That doesn�t make sense.� Is he seriously listening to what he is saying?

�Well those are your options sir.�

�Well those options suck, I should be able to install this software. But it doesn�t surprise me that you people would force me to buy something else. �

THAT IS IT! �No one is forcing you to do anything sir, it is totally your decision to buy the software or not.� I am sure Bill will not go hungry if you don�t.

He starts to curse and hangs up the phone.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a nice day now.�

Peace at long last.

They are finally friends.

And another thing...

In case anyone cares, I finally got that earlier shift. Starting October 26 I will be on 12 - 8pm. Sweet! And I have the same days off. I know what you are thinking........and no, I didn't have to give head or anything.

I spent my day off.....you guessed it.................


I know, I promised I would solve the whole "world hunger" thing...but I will have to get to that some other day.

One more thing...

Ever wonder where to find all those funny commercials? Wonder no longer.
Funny Video Clips

Everyone Knows It's Windy.

Here are some Hurricane Pictures taken in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Know who your mugger is.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�..blah blah blah.�

�Ya, Every time I try and save a file in my Word Perfect it wont save the images�.� she is frantically talking a mile a minute.

As soon as she said Word Perfect I zoned out, I am now just waiting for her to shut the fuck up and let me get a word in edgewise.

�...I see the images when I am saving but when I bring it back the images are gone and�.�

�Excuse me Mamme? Did you say Word Perfect?�

�Yes�.� she is off on another tangent she is not listening to me as I try to interrupt her.

I am going to have to raise my voice, �MAMME! I am sorry, but we cannot help you with Word Perfect.�

�What do you mean you won�t help me?� That got her attention. �Oh, I suppose you want to squeeze some money out of me? That's what it is all about with you people, turn us upside down and shake more money out of us.�

�No Mamme, I can�t help you with Word Perfect because it is not our software. Are you sure you don�t mean Word or WordPad?�

�I know what the hell I am doing here, I am not an idiot! I have been working with Word Perfect for years. This is not something I did, it is a problem with your software!� I bit my tongue on the idiot line. Was waiting for her to say �..hey I am not computer literate�..� They usually get it backwards.

�Actually Mamme, it may well be a problem with the software, but it isn�t our software. Word Perfect is made by Corel, this is Undisclosed Computer Software Company� you would have to contact Corel for support with Word Perfect.�

�Your telling me that Bill is taking all our money and he won�t even support the software?� She is freaking out! I am going to have to dumb it down a bit so she will get the picture.

�Mamme, Bill, didn�t take your money on this one, Derek Burney
did. You will have to call him and ask him how it works. We don�t train our techs to fix other peoples software.�

Silence. I think it is sinking in that she has called the wrong place. She feels like an idiot�.I can feel it. I like the feeling. Any second she is going to hang up.

So I wait, in silence.

<--CLICK-->

Next crayon.

50 Questions.

Radmila creates another monster. If you read it you have to post on your site the answers.

1. Your name spelled backwards: Llebpmac Ave
2. Where were your parents born? Father/Mother : Canada
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? kazaa lite
4. What's your favorite restaurant? Wendy's, big fan of the drive-thru
5. Last time you swam in a pool? 1989, the last time this body was in a bathing suit.
6. Have you ever been in a school play? no, I was cool in school ;-)
7. How many kids do you want? I have one, and that's sometimes too many.
8. Type of music you dislike most? rap, hands down. I figure it is for people who can't sing, much like break dancing was for people who couldn't dance.
9. Are you registered to vote? YES
10. Do you have cable? no, satalite tv and yes, I pay for it.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? what's a moped?
12. Ever prank call anybody? of course
13. Ever get a parking ticket? Yes, many.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Why would anyone jump out of a perfectly good plane?
15. Furthest place you ever traveled? Ontario......I am chicken shit
16. Do you have a garden? My thumb is completely black.
17. What's your favorite comic strip? Delbert
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Only the first verse.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower. never the same time of day, whenever the mood takes me.
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? The Sixth Sense, I never caught on that Bruce was really dead.
21. Favorite pizza topping? combination (mushrooms, pepperoni and green pepper)
22. Chips or popcorn? Chips
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? Caramel
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Ok, I am either really old or too young.
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? HA HA HA
26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange, would fresh squeeze it if it didn't take so much effort
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? My cousin Sonny at the Ranchhouse
28. Favorite type chocolate bar? Skor
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? Couple of years ago
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? See #16
31. Have you ever won a trophy? No
32. Are you a good cook? Do tv dinners count?
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes, but I don't do it.
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Never get the chance, my sister usually falls for it first.
35. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Nope, not cut out for food services.
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Cotton Candy....I kid you not
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? If I was a millionaire I could buy me a lover ;-)
40. Do you believe in love at first sight? No, but lust at first sight? That's a concept I can get behind.
41. Ever call a 1-900 number? Way too cheap for that.
42. Can ex's be friends? Is that possible? The longer they were non ex's the less likely it is.
43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My best friend Kimmy.
44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? Nope, bauld as a bat.
45. What message is on your answering machine? Spill your gutts!
46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? The guy who does, "Cheeseburger, Cheesburger, Cheeseburger, Pepsi, no coke."
47. What was the name of your first pet? Rory
48. What is in your pockets? lint
49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? blog
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? tampons

What's in your wallet?

Because Radmila asked what was in my bag.





Contents: Bottle of Pepsi, cell phone, tampon, kleenex, keys, bottle of Buckleys, foamies for my headset at work, pay stub, notebook, pens, watch, brush, hand cream, bottle of Excedrine, compact screwdriver set, vairous bills and ( of course) carmel apple suckers, makup bag, the contents of which is ...duh makeup, visene, assorted pharmacuticals, jack knife, compact sewing kit, bandaids, purel, more hand cream and a mirror. Hey! Where is my wallet?

The only thing missing is the digital camera.....but of course I am using it at the time.

Will wonders never cease?

I threatened the boy within an inch of his life today. I told him, �Get this house cleaned before I get home. OR ELSE!� Now, I wasn�t sure what the �or else� would be, and I left it to his imagination. This has never worked before and I expected as much this time. That is why when I walked through the door tonight and saw this



I was floored.

Ok, so it wasn�t perfect.



But it was enough for me to be very impressed. Coming from a woman who avoids housework like the plague you understand that it doesn�t take much to impress me.



I love this kid.

The aftermath of Juan

Hurricane Juan blew through last night. Wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have a nervous 12 year old, two jittery cats and those fire trucks that kept roaring down the street. I would have slept through the whole thing. The power was out from about 11pm last night to 1pm this afternoon. Here are a few pics of the damage. Mostly trees and power lines.


This is the boy at the end of the driveway, it was blocked with a few limbs that had blown down, and I don't know if you can see it, but there is a power line down on the road.


This is the back yard, it looks like a jungle now.


Another view of the driveway.

There were a few trees completely down at the end of the street. The most inconvenience was from the Tim Horton's being closed because the power was out. I guess Halifax got the worst of it. "Juan hit as a Category One hurricane with maximum sustained winds clocked at 146 km/hr in Halifax. It has since been downgraded to a tropical storm."

It�s not what you know but who you blow.

I am pissed.

When I began working at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� the whole class was hired for the 5pm-1am shift. We understood this going in. We were also under the impression that once we hit the floor after training we could request an earlier shift and when one became available they would be offered on a first come first serve basis. I thought this was fair.

In the past month we have been hearing of people getting earlier shifts, not surprising because they have been hiring CC�s hand over fist. I figured it would just be a matter of time before I got mine. Then we start hearing that people who were hired after our class were getting earlier shifts. WTF? And today I learned that a guy that hit the floor just two weeks ago got day shift.

What happened to first come first served? Who the hell do I gotta blow to get day shift? And why didn�t someone tell me that that was what had to be done? I feel like I got fucked and I wasn�t even offered a cigarette.

Hey, I am not opposed to a little rinse and spit but let me know ahead of time so I can tie my hair back.

Disappointment!

The concert was ��.disappointing to say the least. We missed Honeymoon Suite all together. David Wilcox was really good. But my age was a factor in the whole thing. It was too hot, too loud and too long.

I am officially an old bag. My partying days are over. I did partake in some pharmaceuticals but did not drink. This only accomplished one thing, I was unable to sleep after the concert. So, I didn�t, I stayed up all night and went to work Sunday morning, something I do not recommend in my line of work. By 4pm I was pretty punchy at work but I got through till 6 and came home and crashed.

The most disappointing moment of the night is when April Wine thanked everyone for coming and I realized they didn�t even play the song that I had paid $24 to hear live. All I could think about was �that is 6 hours of my life that I will never get back�. I have moved on from old bad, to curmudgeon. I should have used that money to buy a crapload of records for my new record player.

On a lighter note, the boy is doing better.



Although he went in for a second x-ray and the doctor told him he could put �some� weight on the foot. This translated in his 12 year old mind to �Get back on that skateboard boy, have a ball. No, there is no need for crutches anymore, you have miraculously healed yourself!� Needless to say he has ruined said cast and we will most likely have to go in tomorrow and have it replaced.

Another light note, we have gotten another cat. Well kitten really, meet Oscar.



We named him that because he looks like he has a scar on his face. So far he has shit on my bed and pissed on the couch. We will see how long his little life here lasts.


(Don�t have a cow�..I said his life here not his life.)

Another asshole chimes in.

This is the newest ray of sunshine in my life.


The return address says simply Customer Service or MS Newsletter or some such nonsense. It looks legit enough. But it is just another asshole with too much time on its hands. It has a nice little attachment that releases a worm virus on your computer. Fun eh?

Some reference material for ya.
New email worm targets hole in Internet Explorer. 19/09/2003. ABC News Online
Beware fake Microsoft 'security' spam

Just a tip: MICROSOFT NEVER sends you emails with patch fixes embedded in them � and you only get security alert notices if you've opted in.

If you are worried about it visit the good people who bring you Norton and get all the info you need.
Symantec Security Response - W32.Swen.A@mm

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a nice day.

Heads up!

As an added bonus, you will recieve undelivered notices that come with this handy popup.

This triggers the download to your computer of the offending worm. Be careful when sifting through your mail, pay attention because the save on these popups is really easy to hit by mistake.

Those geeks, they just think of everything.

Just another day in paradise!

Last night I had nothing but bazaar calls.

A man with one product that didn�t have free support, tried to get support with another product. After about 20 minutes,

�Well what if I told you it was product A?�

�Then I would check your PID and know you were lying.�

�Well I have support for product A�

�But your having the problem with product B�

�So?�

�So, there isn�t just one guy here that takes care of all the tech calls. The guy trained in product A is not expected, and most times has no idea how, to work product B, so even though it would be free support, he wouldn�t be able to help you.�

�Well what if I told you���

�Sir, I have explained your support options, if you do not wish to go through on pay per incident, then I really can�t help you any further. Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a nice day.�

Next crayon please!

As a customer reads his software disk: ��..for product support contact the manufacturer of your pc��

�And who is the manufacturer of your pc?�

�They told me not to tell you.� WTF?

�You were already in contact with them.�

�Ya, and they told me not to tell you it was OEM software, and you would help me.� (Of all the nerve!)

�And I can sir, for a $35 charge to a major credit card.�

This is when he loses his mind. �I just paid them $130 and you are telling me I have to pay you another 35 fucking dollars?�

�Well sir the disc clearly states that your warranty support lies with your OEM. Do you think it was worth $130 to have them tell you just to call us and lie?�

�Well what if I didn�t tell you that? What if I just said it was retail?�

�Sir, we can check that with the PID, we don�t just take peoples word for it. If I were you I would call them back and make them work for their $130. I will let you know that ours is a flat fee and we will work with you for as long as it takes until your issue is completely resolved and if for some reason we can't resolve it we will refund the charge.�

Silence.

�Sir?�

�That�s fair.�

�We like to think so.� �..

And another thing...

A lady calls up who just bought a computer with obsolete software, it�s $35 only until January, when phone support is discontinued. She loses her mind but grudgingly gives me her credit card info. Half way through she begins to talk very very snotty to me. She starts with her billing address, giving it to me in a tone that suggests she is also at the same time scraping something disgusting off the bottom of her shoe. When I ask for her phone number, she starts to yell,

�What the hell do you need all this fucking information for?�

Stay calm Evel�..�Well it is to distinguish you from every other Jane Doe in Michigan��

�Well I am the only one in fucking Michigan.� Sure lady.

I am gritting my teeth now, and a co-worker that was about to ask me a question sees my face and walks away,

�Mamme, I can�t create a case for you until I get this information.�

�FIVE - FIVE- FIVE�..� She is screaming and I am pounding this out as hard as I can on the keyboard, I can�t believe it isn�t smashing it. Another co-worker has just backed away from me.

THAT IS IT! In my snottiest look-lady, Dirty Harry voice, �Mamme, if you can not control yourself, I will be forced to terminate this call.�

She calms down a little, but is still snarky. The only thing that kept me from hooking her was that glorious feeling of satisfaction that she will, in the end, wait almost two hours on hold (I kept that little tidbit from her) only to end up at my favorite foreign country. You know the one.

Happy trails bitch!

To whom it may concern:

To the guy ahead of me driving 5 mph: "Get out and fucking walk!" I have places to go, if you are looking to tour the country side, it is much faster on foot. At least the way YOU drive.

To the dumb-as-dirt customer: "How are you today?" is a fucking rhetorical question. I am not a heartless bitch but I don't give a rat's ass how your surgery went.

To that same Rhodes Scholarcustomer: No, "I get an error message", is NOT enough information to go on.

To that minimum wage bitch that works till closing at Tim Horton's: "If you are closed? Turn the fucking drive-thru sign off!"

To that perfect stranger who felt the need to chat with me at the doctors office: "There is such a thing as too much information."

FINALLY! Comments are back up!

It's been a week (or so) but comments are finally back up and running.

Now for the bad news. The "boy" broke his foot yesterday trying to ollie off a picnic table.

HOW TO OLLIE

In my opinion the ollie is the most important trick to know how to do. 9 out of 10 tricks require an ollie.

1.First you must know where to put your feet on your board. Put your back foot on the tail of the board. Put your front foot just behind the front bolts.

2.Then the next thing to do is to snap down the tail all the way to the ground as hard as you can.

3.Next then slide your front foot up the board,just past the front bolts.

4.Now you should be in the air, level your body out over the bolts.This is where the boy inserted picnic table.

5.Bend your knees and get prepared for hitting the ground.

6.Ride away

Now you have done an ollie. You may want to master this trick before you try to do any other skateboarding tricks.

The "boy" had a little trouble with number 5, and to be fair it isn't all that clear. He did hit the ground but not on the skateboard. This demonstrates the importance of reading all the directions before execution. But he's a man after all.

"We don't need no stinkin' directions!"

Open letter to an asshole.

This is the moron that everyone has been looking for. Jeff Parsons. Although he is not the writer of the original Blaster Worm virus, he is what I think most people imagine your average virus writer looks like.



Unfortunately, this perception stands because the writers of the most destructive viruses are so good that most are never caught so we never get a look at them.

What you usually get are kids like Jeff here, who get a hold of it and rework it and make it their own. And of course what is the fun of making a virus if no one knows you did it? That is how kids like Jeff are caught. The writer of the Word97 macro virus thought it was a good idea to add his resume into the code of the virus itself. What better way to get a job than to leave this message? (along with his resume)

�Warning: If I don't get a stable job by the end of the month I will release a third virus that will remove all folders in the Primary Hard Disk, or in layman's term para ko na ring fi-normat ang Hard Disk Mo �

I think maybe you should aim a bit lower.......like maybe concentrate on gettin' yourself layed.

Cum (and actually) Hear the Band.

It took me a week, but I finally got the tune downloaded. Not one of their more popular tunes I guess. Absolutely no one on Kazaa had it.

Your tax dollars at work.

Do you think this guy woke up one morning and said,

"Oh ya, I have a great idea. I will paint a vagina." Clearly something he has never witnessed first hand. And if he has, I would love to meet the chick that has to walk around with that particular deformity.

His Mamma must be so proud.

Tracey is an Auntie!

How gorgeous is this kid? Trey Anthony, 6lbs 3oz.

Another year has come and gone.

Happy Anniversary to my son and his Big Brother.



Three years today. Can�t say enough good things about the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization.

If you need one, get one. If you aren�t one, be one.

Cum Hear The Band

"Oowatanite" and I picked up my ticket today.



I can't wait. Talk about your blast from the past. Ever since I heard they were coming, I have been remembering all the great ballads and how proud we were that they were from Nova Scotia.

"It all began in Nova Scotia late in 1969. The Henman brothers, David and Ritchie, got together with their cousin Jim Henman and fellow musician Myles Goodwyn to form a band called April Wine, a name chosen simply because they were two words that sounded good together. Fifteen studio albums, three live releases, numerous compilations, a boxed set and thousands of concerts later April Wine has become enormously popular in Canada, the United States and throughout the world."

Like the dork I was, I was totally in love with Myles Goodwyn. When he sang "Cum Hear the Band", I thought he meant me, and I cried when my mother said I was too young to see their concerts. (hey, I was 10) And I had just gotten this album.



It's crazy what brings memories flooding back. Most of the time it is a song on the radio. You remember what you were doing, how you felt, what was going on in the world.

I was 10 and I was miserable because Myles had said, "Cum Hear the Band" and my stupid mother just didn't understand.

Well I am no longer 10, and even with a touch of the rheumatism I will try to party hard. And in the morning? I will just thank god for the Alzheimer's and try not to OD on the Mayolox.

"Rock N' Roll Is A Vicious Game."

Crayon from hell!

Last night, I had a screamer. Always fun, the very last call of the night.

It stared out sane enough.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Evel, how may I help you.�

A nice boy starts to tell me what problem he is having and I start gathering his information.

Then I hear what I can only describe as a banshee in the background, Justin is trying to give me his info and the banshee is having some sort of fit.

�Is there a problem Justin?�

�One sec.� He proceeds to tell the banshee to shut her f�ing mouth and let him talk so he can get through to tech support.

The banshee was having none of it. Justin is in mid sentence when the banshee picks up the extension.

�WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG, WHY AREN�T YOU HELPING MY SON? I AM PAYING FOR SUPPORT AND I HAVE BEEN ON HOLD FOR 35 FUCKING MINUTES.�

�Well ma�am I am just getting some information and creating a case so I can send Justin through for tech support.�

�THIS IS VERY UNPROFESSIONAL, I HAVE PAID GOOD MONEY AND I SHOULD BE TALKING TO A TECHNICIAN NOW!�

I try and calm her down, by what she was saying I thought she had already gone through the process and was on hold for tech support and didn�t like the wait time. I tried to tell her that unfortunately with the virus problem we were experiencing high call volume and everyone had to wait. I am trying to talk over her, but she is very loud, and I am loud and pretty soon everyone in the place can hear me trying to get this quiff�s information.

�BUT I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR TECH SUPPORT� She has obsolete software, everyone who is still running it is paying for it.

I ask her if she has a case number, she is still ranting but after a couple of minutes she finally gives up her phone number. I find her in the system. Flashes up the ying yang. She has been here before and there are warnings that she is a screamer. Flashes are sort of a heads-up from other CSR�s who have dealt with her. Her information is there but no case. This does not go over well, she is the president of her own company and she should be treated with respect. Blah blah blah. Some company if she couldn�t afford to update the computer system in at least the past 5 years.

�So, you have not spoken to a technician yet?�

�NO! I TOLD YOU I HAVE BEEN WAITING ON HOLD FOR 35 FUCKIN MINUTES! AND I HAVE PAID GOOD MONEY NOT TO BE PUT ON HOLD! �

�Excuse me ma�am but what you are saying is that you are upset because you have been on hold to talk to me? You put your credit card information in the phone?�

�YOUR FUCKING RIGHT I DID AND I DO NOT APRECIATE BEING KEPT WAITING.�

�Ma�me, until I answer your call, I have absolutely no way of knowing that you have paid. This is not a psychic line.� This was out of my face before I could stop it.

"WHAT IS YOUR NAME?�I WILL BE SPEAKING WITH THE HEAD OF YOUR SOFTWARE COMPANY AND I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB.� Ya sure, right after you talk personally to the President of the United States. You will probably have more luck getting him on the line. �I CAN�T BELIEVE I AM STILL NOT TALKING TO A TECHNICIAN, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?�

�My problem? First of all ma�am, you are screaming at me, second I still have to get some information from you because I have no idea what your problem is so I have no idea where to send you.� It�s not just me and tech guy Gerry sitting here. �I need to know exactly what the problem is to redirect you properly.�

It was all I could do not to tell this bitch to fuck off and hook her.

Finally, ignoring the banshee altogether, Justin and I finished setting up a case and I transferred him. I was kind to all both of my readers and shortened this post. Believe me when I say this call was one of the longest so far. For all her bitching she made a 2 minute call last over 40 minutes.

The good news is, after all that, tech support for the banshee�s software is in one of those countries where they don�t eat cows and everyone is just working long enough to save enough money to buy a 7-11 in Des Moines.

There IS a God.

By George! I think she's got it.

Samantha Bennett writes an interesting article about Canadians.

"It's not just the weather that's cooler in Canada"

Thanks Desiree for the link to it.

Finally, a Yank who doesn't blame Canada for everything wrong with America. (or does she?)

It takes all kinds.

Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is�.�

�Ya, I have the virus, how do I get rid of it?�

I get all the pertinent info from this guy. Version of software etc. He is OEM.

�...and who is your internet service provider?�

�I don't� have the internet.� Are you kidding me?

�Ah, sir, you don�t have the virus then.�

�Oh yes I do, the computer is not working, and it is telling me I have a worm.�

No it is not! People try and get free support by saying they have the worm. Some moron leaked it that if it is a virus problem, we take care of it regardless of your warranty status.

If you have this problem, it will NOT say you have the virus. Most people who call in and have it, have no idea that is what it is. It does NOT say you have a worm. That is NOT the error message you get. Stop trying to get support for free if you are not eligible for it. You WILL NOT get past me.

�Sir, if you do not have internet access, you are completely safe from this virus. Now, if you computer is not working properly and you want technical support we have a pay per incident line available to you. That would require a $35 charge to a major credit card but that would let you speak��.�

<--CLICK-->

Fuck-off dumbass.

And Another Thing...

"Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is�.�

�Ya, this virus thing, how do I know if I have it?�

�what is your computer doing?�

�I don�t know, I am on vacation.�

�Are you connected to the internet.�

�I have dial up.�

�Ok, what type of anti-virus software do you have.�

�I�m not sure.�

�Is there a small icon down by where the date is? It will say there.�

�I don�t have my computer with me.� And you thought it was a good idea to call now?

�Ah, sir, I really can�t help you if you are not in front of the computer.�

�Really? Well can�t you just tell me what to do if I do have the virus?� NO YOU FUCKING MORON!

�No, I would have to verify your software first.�

�Why?�

�Well, if you have unlicensed software, I won�t be able to help you.�

�You mean pirated? I paid for mine.�

If you SAY so, dumbass.

<--CLICK-->

If it ain�t broke, don�t fix it.

"Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is�.�

�I have the worm, I need help.�

�Ok, what sort of error messages are you getting?�

�None.� Ok, maybe she doesn�t know what I mean.

�What exactly is the computer doing?�

�It�s working fine now, the guy at Staples had me change some settings and it works fine now.�

�So, you fixed it.� She had the virus, she put up the firewall and downloaded the patch, removed the virus and everything is fine now. �I don�t understand what I can do for you, Gena?�

�Ya, but how do I go back to my original settings?�

�Why would you want to?�

�Well, they were changed, so now I want them back the way they were.�

�But the way they were allowed the worm to infect your computer. If you put them back, you may get the virus again.�

�I don�t understand.� That�s abundantly clear.

�Well, the only thing different in your settings is that your firewall is now up. If you take it down you may be vulnerable to other attacks. I would keep it up until there is a better handle on this thing. If you find later on that the firewall is preventing you from going to certain websites, you can take it down at that time, but if you don�t notice a difference, then just leave it.�

�I don�t understand�

�If it ain�t broke, don�t fix it.�

�I waited 40 minutes on hold and you aren�t going to help me?� Its not my fault you are a crayon.

�Gena, if there is nothing wrong with your computer, I can�t fix it.�

�I want to talk to someone else.� Gladly.

Unfortunately she didn�t say the magic word, the QM asked if she asked for someone or a manager? Since she didn�t specifically ask for a manager I was to tell her I could put her back in the Q and she could wait to speak to another customer service rep. This, I am positive will send her over the edge.

�Ok, Gena, you have two options. I can transfer you back through to the Q where you will wait another 40 minutes to talk to another CSR who will undoubtedly tell you the exact same thing as I just did. Or I can create a case for you and send you through to tech support where you will wait 3.5 to 4 hours to speak to a tech who will tell you exactly what I just did. Its up to you.�

�I cant� believe you sent me a virus, and now you wont help me.�

�GENA, you already did what was required, you fixed it. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT CAN BE DONE!�

�This is not what I call good customer service.�

�I give up.�
<--CLICK-->

My very first Redneck Relay call.

"Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is�.�

�Ya, I got thet thur virus yaw�ll been sendin�.�

CHEESE AND RICE! I can�t even be bothered to correct this moron. Thankfully at this point we are just sending them all through to tech support. No more trying to talk them through the solution.

�Ok, Brenda, what I will be doing is just verifying your version of the software and seeing if I can get you through to tech support. What version are you running?� Basically we will help anyone except for the people with pirated software. For free, I might add.

�Day ell�

�Ok, it�s a Dell computer, but what version of the software are you running?�

�Dunno.�

�Ok, can I get you to right click on my computer��

�CLAYTON! CLICK ON THE COMPUTER!� JEEZ, she didn�t even put her hand over the receiver. My eardrums have now burst.

�Brenda, are you in front of the computer?�

�No, da phone don�t reach.� Give me strength. At this point we are about 5 minutes into the call and I decide to start timing it.

So we start the process, I give Brenda the instructions, and she screams them to Clayton, and it is losing something in the translation. I can hear him screaming back that ..� IT DON SAY NUTTIN� LIKE DAT DER�

I get the bright idea to maybe talk to Clayton, since he seems to be the one working the computer. It takes a bit of coaxing, but Brenda shoves the phone at him.

�Hi, is this Clayton?�

In a dumb as dirt monotone this crayon says, �Brenda�

�But your name is Clayton?�

�Brenda.� Whatever! I don�t know what this hicks problem is but if he wants me to call him Brenda, I will.

What I though could happen was that I would give this guy the instructions on how to get the information I needed off the computer and he would go and do it. THINK AGAIN! I give him the instructions and then I hear��.�MAW! CLICK ON THE COMPUTER!�

GOD HELP ME. {Heavy Sigh} �Let me speak to your mother again.� The timer has just hit 32 minutes.

�Brenda, what I need to do is verify your software. Is there no way that you can get the phone over to where the computer is?�

�It don�t reach no how.�

�Even if I can get this information from you it will be almost impossible for the tech to be able to help you unless you are sitting in front of the computer.� She is pondering this, she really doesn�t want to spend more time on hold, but she understands that she will have to be in front of the computer.

�Oh ok, Well I do have a cordless, but I s�pose dat won�t work, its in da udda room.�

OH MY GOD, HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE NATURAL SELECTION?! GOD IS DEFFINATELY OFF HIS GAME!

Deep breath Evel, �Brenda, go get the cordless and sit in front of the computer, please.�

A minute and a half later I have her info and I am transferring her. The timer reads 37.5 add that to the 5 min before I set it and that is 42.5 minutes that I will never get back.

Just chillin'.

Enjoying my day off with a coffee.

This is my new toy,
[photo of fancy ass thermos]
bought it the other day and didn't even get to take it home. My mother took it with her to the hospital and left it there.

I bought it on the way to work the other day, and being the big geek that I am, I was totally amazed that it kept the coffee hot all night. I know it's a thermos, but they never keep things hot.

Anyway, I was sitting outside with my new pride and joy and one of the young guys (18) I work with came out and sat down. He picked it up and said, "What is this?"

Before I could stop myself I said, "It's a personal device."

It took him a couple of beats before he realized what I said and turned about 50 shades of red. He carefully sat it back down and said, "Evel, you are a walking HR issue."

We joke all the time about the goofy sexual harassment seminars and how you have to report everything to human resources. Pretty much everything we say or do around there is an HR issue.


The good news is, my mother will be bringing it home tonight so I can fill it up for work tomorrow. We should be getting more fallout from the blaster worm, since it is set to hit tonight at midnight again.

I am trying to keep track of all the crackpots that are calling so I can post them here...but there are so many it is hard to keep up. We get all kinds.

A brief summary of coming attractions:

People who follow the steps and fix the problem, but still want help. With what? I have no idea.

People without internet.

Mac people.

People who think they are getting the virus on satalite tv receivers.

People trying to lie their way into free support. Hey, we know what error messages you should be getting if you have the worm, we have had hundreds of calls all saying the same thing.

People who insist we made the virus. Ya, we created the problem, just so you could call up and shoot your face off. Makes perfect sense.

People who watch CNN.

People who read PC World.

People who are not in front of their computer.

Idiots who actually wait on hold for 2 hours just to scream "I LOVE SAN!" into the phone. Get a life!

And the very next post, I promise, will detail my very first 'Redneck Relay' call. (for those not in the know, a relay call is when you have to use a relay operator for a blind or hearing impaired person and this woman was neither)

Blame Canada!

Once again, it's all our fault. Yanks are real good at the blame game. New York's mayor Michael R. Bloomberg puts the blame for the blackout square on us.

"But other officials, including Mayor Bloomberg, said they believed that the power failure might have stemmed from a failure on the Canadian side and spread south through the interconnected grid."

Couldn't possibly have anything to do with the antiquated power grid. Of course not.

President Bush on Friday called the worst blackout in North American history a ``wake-up call'' and said the electric grid must be modernized.

``I view it as a wake-up call,'' Bush told reporters during a visit to the Santa Monica mountains, adding that it was ``an indication we need to modernize the electricity grid.''

Go ahead, we can take it. You blame us for everything else anyway cuz you know we won't get all up in arms like most people. We just say....what-ever! I deal with Americans all day, I know it's just not worth the aggravation.

Some of the better sources of information.

TechTV | Blaster Worm Runs Rampant
Microsoft TechNet
Trend Micro - Free online virus Scan
Symantec Security Response - W32.Blaster.Worm
W32.Blaster Worm | ITS

Have you beat your hacker today?

This made life a living hell tonight at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

CNN.com - Internet infection spreads rapidly - Aug. 11, 2003

I don�t know where CNN gets its info but a better source is HERE

At one point the techs had 950 people waiting on hold, and we had 450 on hold just to get to customer service. If you get kicked off the internet and a message appears about �nt authority\system� �remote procedure call� and keeps rebooting your system. Well that means you are hit.

The good news is it is most likely not infecting your system but rather the server of your ISP. Therefore if you disconnect physically from the internet you can use your computer. The bad news is there isn�t a fix yet. The virus seems to be mutating, so when they think they have it licked it changes.

Short term solution - lay off the porn for a night or two until there is a permanent fix (you might try going outside, you know, the place with the trees?). Long term - find a hacker and beat the shit out of him.

If we all pitch in, we can lick this thing. It takes a village.

UPDATE: For all you loyal followers.

Here is the patch for the aforementioned virus. It is only for XP.

Pick #1 and open it.

Movie night.

The kid and I went to the drive-in tonight. The Undisclosed Customer Service Center� rented it out for the employees. Was I ever glad to see this.

  


I remember years ago the ex and I were at the drive-in (stoned) staring at the intermission movie. He looks at it an awe and says, �Now that is one talented hotdog.�

That was the first time I ever spewed pop from my nose. I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants.

Ah, the good ol� days.

The freaks come out at night.

So, a bunch of us were sitting around the smoking area at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� , laughing at callers, shootin� the shit. There were a couple of tech guys there and one was asking me what type of questions I asked callers and how exactly we determined who got through to them.

This other spaz pipes up, raises his index finger into the air, and with what sounded like the fakest pompus accent said, �I usually refer to Ferengi rules of acquisition, I believe it�s number 17�� Then he fucking quotes it! This freak was dead serious.

The whole place went silent. You could hear the crickets chirping. Talk about stunned silence.

Yesterday, when I was young.

Was reminded of a funny thing that happened to me during my wild and crazy party days.

I was at a party, drinking and smoking, when this guy walked up to me with a shit-eatin� grin on his face and whipped out his �little soldier�.

I didn�t even bat an eyelash. I leaned over like I was trying to see what it was.

I straightened up and said in a sympathetic voice. �Birth defect or war wound?�

God, I miss the old days.

The Nova Scotia Tattoo

My sister and my friend Kimmy are both on me about getting a tattoo.

I had said to Kimmy at one time that we should get one before we are 40. My sister (ever since she got the Harley) wants to get one too. So I guess that would technically mean I have to get 2 of them.

I have narrowed it down to these:



What do you think?

One sec, and I�ll transfer you to H-O-O-K

I got a real winner tonight. Usually not too much fazes me but this guy made my blood boil.

�Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Evel, may I have your name please?�

Right off the bat this guy had attitude.

�Yes (gave me no name) transfer me to tech support.�

After telling him that I had to get his information first he grudgingly told me that his product was OEM. So I told him that either he called his OEM or he would have to pay $35 to talk to someone here, he lost his mind.

�You guys are ripping off the public, selling products that are faulty and then making us pay to get it fixed. So, what you are saying is that you are not going to help me unless I fork over the money, � (this is the part I liked)���.you are useless�.

Me personally? I am useless? I could feel my body move without me conciously doing it. It was like I was magneticaly drawn to the HOOK button. I leaned over and pressed it.

Happy trails, asshole.



And Another thing�.

This lady needed to take a long jump off a short cliff.

�Just transfer me, I�ve been dicked arround since this morning by OEM.� And this is my fault?

I ignore her ignorant outburst and try to get some info from her.

�Why are you asking me all these questions? You are obviously not the person I need to speak to, transfer me.�

Before I could stop it from coming out of me��.�Did you want me to just PICK a number?�

�No.�

�Well then, I will need some more information in order to transfer you to the proper technical support.�

I often wonder if these people are this rude to people on the street. If they are, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that they probably get the snot beat out of them on a daily basis.

We have tech support all over the world and I contemplated sending her to a non-English speaking country and see how she liked that. Somewhere where they haven�t figured out that you can actually use vowels in proper names, but I didn�t.

What I did do, is �accidentally� hit HOOK instead of transfer.

Oops, my bad.

A cure for what ails ya.

Went to a wedding today and of course after 30 days of dry hot weather it poured during the whole ceremony. Did I mention it was an outdoor wedding?

I was video taping for the mother of the bride. I had told her I would need the camcorder about a week before the wedding to familiarize myself with it. I also told her I wanted to attend the rehearsal so I would know where everyone was going to come from and stand so I could position myself properly. No, I don�t do it professionally but I am totally anal about stuff like that, if I am going to do something it has to be well done. Which is why now more people ask me to do it for them. Well after this one, I doubt anyone will give me a second thought. Last night my son messages me at work .

�Aunt Adele is dropping off the camera tonight, the wedding is tomorrow at 3.�

WHAT? Fuck me gently. I could have killed my sister.

The wedding was fine, but a lot of the video was interrupted by people walking in front of me. Fuck, people are stunned sometimes. I had one guy walk over and stand right in front of me. WTF? It was disorganized but I think it can be edited. I almost left without getting one shot of the string quartet that was playing.

But I didn�t leave that place without a shot of this:


(For those who don't know......thats a freakin' Ferrari!)

Hey, I have my priorities straight.

So, we skipped out before the dance (but not before stuffing our faces) and went home. I, of course, sat down to my ritual of painting my nails. I was feeling a little goofy at the time.




When your in a bad mood, googly eyes always cheer you up.

Before you call, make sure you are wearing the tinfoil hat

This is going to make my life a living hell tonight. Note the quote from FBI spokesman Bill Murray. I think he might have it in for Bill.

CNN.com - Experts anxious over possible Net attack - Jul. 31, 2003

My Day Off To-Do List

Spent my day off fixing the BBQ and my son�s bike, cleaning the house and painting my nails.

The BBQ was a nightmare. I had to replace the burner in it, and considering that it is over 5 years old, you can imagine how hard it was to take it apart. There was a lot of grunting and groaning going on, and not in a good way. I finally had to resort to brute force and got out the bolt cutters. (yes, I have bolt cutters URGH URGH URGH)

It was probably the most grunting and groaning the neighbors have heard from my house since I moved here. Years ago I used to be all about that, along with drinking and partying, but I just don�t have the bone structure for it anymore. Finally, success. Fired 'er up and slapped on a $10 T-Bone, some roasted potatoes and fresh baked rolls. MMMMMM getting hungry just from the memory.


After I beat the BBQ into submission, I tackled the bike. Who knew that changing a tube would cause so much drama. I quit a couple of times after I found my self cursing at this inanimate object like it was putting up a fight or something. I almost grounded it at one point. I had to walk away. I was so mad at one point I was actually driven to start cleaning my room. If you knew me you would be concerned for my mental health. I snapped out of it so don�t worry. Around midnight I decided to harass all the people that don�t have Wednesday�s off at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� which reminds me. I have to tell you about the winner of the �Dumb As A Post� award from last night.

Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. My name is blah blah blah.

After explaining to this crayon that his Product Y (which he had installed in the computer but didn�t have the physical copy of) was obsolete he proceeded to tell me that I should send him another copy for free.

�Sure, no problem, why don�t I send you a new computer while I�m at it?� I really thought he was kidding.

�You don�t have to get snotty with me, You say the product is obsolete and you don�t sell it anymore, I want you to send me one of the hundred thousand copies you got laying around in your desk.�

Shit, he�s serious. �Sorry sir, we really don�t have any copies of Product Y.� We are a call center you idiot. We don�t work out of the wharehouse.

�I know you have it�.let me speak to your supervisor...NO, I want to speak to the man in charge. Put me through to Bill.� People think we all sit at Bill�s house and take calls. More than one person has asked to speak to Bill. Oh ya, we are just chillin� at Bill�s. Between calls we clean the pool.

�I can�t do that sir, you can talk to my supervisor.�

�I don�t want to talk to the supervisor, I want to know why this product is obsolete, how can it be, I still use it?�

I explain the lifecycle of software.

�That�s crazy, if it still works how can it be obsolete?�

�Well sir, just because, theoretically, you could use a rotary phone, good luck finding one for sale in a store.�

�This conversation is going nowhere. Just send me the God damned copy.� He is screaming.

�Ok sir, what is your email address?� �There, I�ll hit send.�

He is screaming incoherently.

--CLICK--

I love my job

Lord Stanley's Cup

My son went to see the Stanley Cup today. He and his BigBrother. I can't say much for their photography skills as you can see by the pictures of the back of Colin White's head.





They were so hokey that they took pictures of the license plate of Colin White's car as they followed him to the event.You might be a redneck.



I think the Stanley Cup has been here 4 times. So, for most people, it's getting old.

Time well wasted.

Listen up people!

Since I started tracking search keywords for this site, (in fact this was the very first one) Google Search: starchoice hack the combination of starchoice and hack have been used 375 times. Those two words are the top hit getters.

For anyone who reaches this site now after searching for starchoice hack, let me just clear it up. There is no way on God's green earth to hack starchoice. Give it up. It's just not doable.

There, that should get me a couple hundred more hits.

Just Shoot Me.

Haven�t blogged for a while cuz I am just that pissed off. I am so far in debt that it isn�t even funny. I get paid on Thursday and by Saturday I am broke. Those 4 months that I was off work screwed me. Just trying to catch up.

And to make matters worse, my dish is down. So now I am forced to watch BB4 live feeds and nothing else. I so wish that I could see it tonight, just to see the look on the Three Stooge�s faces when they see that they really are stooges to think they were the �Dream Team�. Hopefully the dish will be back up by Monday, I was actually forced to read yesterday. Can you imagine? I never realized how much tv I actually watched till it was gone.

Things at work are going well. I actually had a woman scream at me because I was trying to talk her out of paying $35 to have a tech show her how to set up a template to print avery labels. I kept asking her to read the instructions that came with it, she wouldn't even look inside the package. The instructions in those things are so simple, a brain dead monkey could do it.

�ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU WONT PUT ME THROUGH TO TECH SUPPORT?�

What I wanted to say. Look idiot. If you just take the fucking stick out of your ass for a second and listen I am trying to save you from paying $35 and most likely being ridiculed by the techs for having shit for brains.

What I said. �Ok, Dorothy, What credit card would you like to use today?�

She was freaking. So I guess she had more money than brains. So I put her through. I only hope that in the end she realizes that she just paid to have someone show her something a child could do.

RTFMS! Read The Fuckin� Manual Stupid. Words to live by.

More memories.

My brother sent me some more pictures he developed from a bunch of old negatives I sent him.

This is from a highschool prom. Although I don't think Kim and I were even in highschool. But our dates were. I can't believe I was ever this young.


Doug, Kim, Me, Rabbit

I remember that prom. We got to the school and Rabbit went to the bathroom and downed a quart of rum. I never saw him all night. I got one of my friends to get him out of the bathroom and into the back of the car. We went to a restaurant and then to a party at the beach. He never regained consciousness that night. But I had a ball. Every so often I would send someone to go and check if he was still breathing. Hey, I wasn�t totally heartless. I made sure the liquor pig survived the night And I deposited him on his doorstep at dawn the next morning. His mother was real impressed. We could have kept him with us until he sobered up but we figured this would be much funnier. Oh and we were nice enough to remove his nice new suit. You know, in case it got wrinkled.


This is even farther back. My father and I tending the chickens. That's me, with a bottle of Pepsi and my finger up my nose.

Help has arrived.

A new show for all the geek fashion victims. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Finally a show that's time has come.

It�s a small world.

Another day off, another chance to change the fingernails.

I really need to get a life.

Just in case you are interested, these are flags from different countries. There are no real personal preferences, they were just chosen for the ease factor.

This one was hard.

I just noticed that my blog hits have just gone over 10,000. Too bad that most of that is just me hitting the site to check to see if I have any comments. (and most of the time I am disappointed)

And another thing...

Just wanted to record one of the calls I got the other night. This one almost made me cry. It was 42 minutes long.

�Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�my name is ...blah blah blah.�

Ok, this guy calls up, very upset. He has spent all day going back and forth from the store to home with his brand new computer. Every time he tries to install something, the key doesn�t work and he has to take it back to the store. He is very frustrated at this point (and so is the store for that matter) finally he decides to call me.

Ok, sir I can generate a key for you. He tells me it is Product A. He gives me the key that he is trying to use. We try 3 different keys. Nothing worked.

�Can you read to me everything on the disk, maybe we aren�t trying the right version.� Not only is it the wrong version, but the wrong product. Its Product B.

Three more keys later, and I am at my wits end. �I can�t understand this, sir, when it is asking for the key. Read to me everything it says on the screen. �

�Invalid product key�

�That�s all it says?�

�Well no, it says Thank you for purchasing Product C, please enter valid product key.� (not product A or B, but C)

At this point I wanted to scream. One minute later he had a key for the right product and he was on his way. They don�t pay me enough I don�t think.

NOTE: If you are going to spend more than a thousand dollars for something, please throw in an extra 50 bucks and take a beginners computer course.

Society (and I) will thank you for it.

Just another Saturday?

Last night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� was very slow, due to the holiday in the States. I took about 15 calls all night long. Usually this means that we can put in for early release. But our sister site in the States was off for the holiday so we had to remain open. Sucks to be us.

Today, however, is my day off. I figured it would be uneventful since my son is gone with his BigBrother. So I settle on the Chesterfield for a relaxing day of watching tv.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?

This is the view from my window.




Let�s get a little closer shall we?






So, all in all, a great way to spend a day off.

I got more time than brains.

The only way for me to grow my nails is to paint them. If I don't, I bite them. I grew very bored, very quickly with the whole pink and red thing. So I began doing designs on them.

Here's the problem. I work with a lot more people than I used to and people are noticing the nails, so now I think they are beginning to expect it. Only problem is I am running out of ideas.

This one is for the Fourth of July.



I am not even sure if you can really see this that well (I suck at taking pictures).

I wish I could figure out what setting to push on this fucking digital camera so I can take decent pictures up close but for some reason they are all grainy. I will figure something out and post the pictures on here. Here are some of the designs I have tried.

- every nail a different (crayola) color with eyeballs glued to them. (the kind that move, always a crowd pleaser)
- jewels and stickers of every shape and form.
- stripes (in every direction and of every size)
- gold and silver leaf
- gold and silver beads
- charms
- stars and stripes (see above)
- stripes and jewels (I got bored)
- every crazy combination of french manicure (ie: black with silver tips)

If anyone has a suggestion for anthing else, please let me know. Bear in mind that I can't draw to save my life.

Oh, here is one more pic that I found.

Clean the shit out of your ears!

"Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, may I have your name please?"

�Blah Blah Blah�

�I�m sorry, I didn�t catch that?�

�BLAH BLAH BLAH!�

(Is this guy for real? This is all I need, a fucking prank caller.)

Irritated now�..�Could you spell that for me?�

B-O-B - L-E B-L-A-N-C, just like it sounds, Blah Blah Blah!

In honor of Canada Day, I post this link



And you can have a look at the original Molson Canadian Commercial here.

Just a little history for all you Yanks out there.

Canada Day marks the unification of four British colonies on July 1, 1867. A single piece of legislation, known as the British North America (BNA) Act, joined the present-day provinces of Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia together as one nation.

The BNA Act proclaimed "one Dominion under the name of Canada," which is why the original name of our national holiday was called "Dominion Day."

Since confederation, six more provinces and three territories were joined under the Act. In 1982, the Act was amended to include the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, and to augment Canada's status from a simple 'dominion' of the British realm to that of a fully autonomous nation within its own right.

The Act was then renamed the Constitution Act, and Dominion Day was renamed Canada Day.

The first Dominion/Canada Day was celebrated publicly at Queen's Park in Toronto on July 1, 1875. Canada Day is always observed on July 1, unless that date falls on a Sunday, in which case it is observed the following day.

I will be working at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. The good news is, its double time and a half. WOO HOO!

Happy Canada Day!