Ok, so it might be more than a bit.

I might have a bit of trouble getting the old girl to start. They haven't actually sent any snow plows out yet cuz it is still coming down. The snow down the entire length of our street (not just drifts) is about 3 feet deep. They are only clearing the main roads and highways. The kids are gonna love it. That is, until I make the boy shovel out the car.

Environment Canada Weather Forecast
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pictou county
Issued at: 4.00 PM ast Thursday 19 February 2004
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blizzard warning in effect.
Tonight..Snow at times heavy and blowing snow ending overnight then cloudy. Further amount 15 to 20 cm. Wind north 70 km/h gusting to 100. Low minus 8.
Friday..A mix of sun and cloud. Clearing in the afternoon. Occasional blowing snow. Wind northwest 40 km/h gusting to 60 diminishing to 30 in the afternoon. High minus 3.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday..Cloudy with 70 percent chance of flurries. Low minus 11. High minus 2.
Sunday..Snow or rain. Windy. Low minus 3. High zero.
Monday..Flurries. Windy. Low minus 5. High minus 3.
Normals for the period..Low minus 9. High minus 1.

They declared a state of emergency in Nova Scotia and PEI, although I don't see what the big deal is. Now if I had been out of smokes, that would have been catastrophic. But as it is, I am just enjoying my day off without anyone bothering me. Well, except for the boy, who is driving me out of my gourd wanting to go sledding at the height of the storm. My little Rhodes scholar.

The power didn't go off, it didn't start raining (which would be an absolute bitch), its just snow. The skiers are gonna love it. The kids are gonna love it. I am gonna love it. Cuz I love to drive in it. Not while its coming down, mind you, but after it has landed.

They practically closed down work, which is very rare. At the beginning of the day they were offering to pay for cabs if anyone needed a ride into work. Then they were calling them all and telling them to stay home. The didn't do any of that for Juan. Pretty much everything else was shut down, the malls, grocery stores as well as the rail car plant where most of the people who don't work at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� work.

Wouldn't you know, all this shit happens on my regular days off. I swear sometimes they check my schedule to see if it will in any way benefit me before they do things. Pizza day? Let's see, looks like Evel is off that day, its a go. Phones are down? We should get those back up before Evel gets here.

And now this, I knew Bill was powerful but I never thought he had the Lord in his corner. "Hey, Lord? Evel is off for two days, you know all that snow you have been saving? Go for it dude!"

Only Bill could call the Lord 'Dude' and get away with it.

Ok, so it's snowing a bit.

Can I have some of that 'magic' software?

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah..."

"I installed this software on my desktop and now I can' t find it."

Ok, we look and look and look. "I don't understand it, it should be there. Let's get that product ID and get you through to technical support."

He gives me an ID for a completely different product." Um, I thought you told me it was product A? But the ID if for product B, perhaps it was not installed correctly." I am getting ready to transfer him to tech support when he says,

"Well, this is my laptop, does that make a difference?"

OF COURSE NOT, DON'T BE REDICULOUS! IT'S MAGIC SOFTWARE! It can jump from one computer to another by the power of suggestion!

FUCK....ME! No wonder I had a headache all night long.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Good Morning Canada, over night tonight expect 50+ centimeters of snow!

You know what? I have just about had it with the snow. I am done.

Now, there are places that have winter all year long and places that have summer all year long. Why is there not a place on this fuckin' planet that has spring or fall all year long? That is where I want to live.

I don't like summer, way too hot and, of course, there are the bugs to contend with. Then there is winter, I do enjoy snow, for about 20 minutes on Christmas Eve, then it gets old really fast.

I suppose if I had my choice between summer and winter, winter would win out. It is much easier to get warm than it is to stay cool. And, did I mention the bugs? Not a bug person.

So, right now we are looking at 50+ centimeters overnight, one of the girls at work messeges me that maybe we can get the day off work. Ya, right? What do you think this is? Toronto? Here in Nova Scotia, we don't call in the military for every little thing.

Keep it to yourselves, girls!

I am always teasing Mr. Spilly Pants (aka The Coffee Guy) about his women. This guy always seems to have women hanging around him. I like to call them his Harem. I think it is because the man stinks of married. Most women can smell that shit off a guy and its like catnip. I love to tease him, cuz he gets as red as a beet when I do.

Anyway, I was teasing him the other day about it, saying that when he wears this particular shirt (a soft fabric) the chicks always come up to him and touch it. So I guess he tells the wife about this (Hey Buffy) and he shows up to work tonight, wearing the shirt with this pinned to it.

I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose, and I don't even drink milk.

You rock, Buffy!

Natural Selection, there has got to be a better way.

We got through Friday the 13th and a full moon without too much problems at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. However, we did not fair as well for Valentine's Day.

Who calls with computer problems on Valentine's Day? Pretty much who you would expect. Just look up 'dumb as dirt' in the dictionary and you will see their picture.

After telling Dave I was NOT a technician, he procedes to tell me, in detail, his problem.

"Ok, Dave, what I need is the product ID, can I help you find it?"

"Uh, 0-0-3-e-l-q-r-..."

"No, its in the software..." I have no idea what that number is.

"Ok, but I am having trouble setting up this email and ..." he is expecting me to deliver technical support.

"Dave, as I said at the beginning of the call, I am not a technican. I have to determine what software you have and then we can discuss your support options, what I need is the product ID"

"0-0-3-e-l-q-r-..."

"No, Dave, that is not the ID, can I help you find it?"

"Oh, here's one x0008ef...." he cuts me off, why the hell do they call me if they think they know what they are doing. Don't try and fake it people, it doesn't work.

"No, Dave, let me help you, click on the start menu...", he finally finds the screen we are looking for.

"707-999....(he stops) but the problem I am having is getting my email to....."

"DAVE! In order to help you I have to have the ID, without it I can not send you through for technical support."

"Well what number do I call for technical support?" Holy sweet Jesus.

"This is the number but I have to get your information and determine if you have warranty support and send you on to technical."

"Ok, the trouble I am having is getting my email to....." Holy Shit!

What I want to say........"Ok Dave, what floor are you on? The fifth? Ok, open the window and throw yourself out. Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

What I do say, "Ok, NOT a technician, just read that ID to me and we can continue."

"Oh, I thought I was calling tech support, must have dialed wrong....." <--CLICK-->

Are you kidding me? He hung up.

I often wonder, how on God's green earth these people manage to get themselves a computer? I mean, they have to have some source of income right? How do they maintain that job?

I am sure at one point in their day they would have to cross the street and with natural selection, they should have been weeded out long ago.

So I probably shouldn't worry about Dave calling back. There is a bus out there with his name all over it.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Notorious or infamous...it�s a toss up!

I walk into the grocery store today to pay my power bill. This is Canada, we multi task here, it�s just way too fucking cold to be getting in and out of the car any more than we have to. Anyway, I walk into the store and one of the check-out girls looks at me and says, �Hey, Evel, heard you tore a strip off some guy at the rink the other night?�

�Your kidding.�

�Nope, it�s all over town. One of the mothers said, �some fool said something stupid in front of Evel and she went up one side of him and down the other.� I laughed till I choked, wish I had have been there. Call me next time?�

�I don�t plan these things.� Well I don�t!

I am the kind of person that does not keep things bottled up inside. I will not mull stuff over, I will not count to ten and then respond. I do not let things bother me. And if you talk about me behind my back, better make damn sure I never find out cuz I will call you on that shit.

For example. Barbie (not her real name, just what I call her, stick figure, blonde, you get the idea) decides she is going to sit with us one night at work, cuz we have �all the fun� as she puts it. She starts to set up her computer and I get a call. I am trying to get Mr. BigShot�s info and all I hear is her high pitched voice. I look at her and give the sign. I point to my ear and mouth the words, I AM ON THE PHONE! She proceeds to apologize, ����.loudly�����.to me!

I shoot her a look that would kill, all the while talking sweetly to Mr. BigShot with my finger in my other ear. She persists, �I didn�t know I was talking that loud, I will shut up now.� But she doesn�t, she has some sort of verbal diarrhea. Finally, I turn around and give her both fingers, TWICE! She shuts up, and I finish the call.

As soon as I hang up, I turn to her and point to my ear, �When I do this, it means SHUT THE HELL UP!� Then I give her the fingers again and say, �And when I do this?� (both fingers thrust into the air in front of her face) �It means you have 2 fucking seconds to shut your yap, before I back hand you, kapiche?�

I am a nice person, but if I don�t like where you got it, I can tell you where to put it.

I am Hockey Mom!

I am at a game the other night cheering the boy on. The other team (best in the league) begins with assuming they are going to beat the pants off our team. They usually do, so no stretch of the imagination there, they have twice as many kids on their team, not to mention 2 goalies. But at the end of the second period, they are 1-1. Now the team is starting to get frustrated and, with that, a little dirty. No biggy, the boys are tough, they can take it.

Everyone is cheering, but of course you can�t hear anything, but there is one guy. I can hear he is upset, but not what he is saying. At the end of the game, as they prepare to shake hands, (we lost 4-2) I see our coach turn to the stands and yell, �Games over buddy, knock it off.� WTF?

The coach tells me that this asshole was screaming at my son, saying he was a �Fucking Rat!� Do you believe that shit? My son is 13 years old and this guy was 45 if he was a day. And at that moment he comes strolling by me. Oh, I don�t think so.

�Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are?� He stops, stunned.

�That was my son you were screaming at. If you ever speak to him or any kid that way again, I will take you out into the parking lot and I guarantee you that you will not like it!� I am invading his personal space and he is clearly uncomfortable with it.

�How old are you anyway, asshole? Those kids are 12 and 13, and you were acting 5. How dare you call my son a fucking rat?�

�Well he is a rat.� he tries to walk away from me after that comment. I grab him by the front of his jacket, and am right up in his face now.

�Listen here, dick wad, you just said that in front of the President of our league, 10 hockey moms and 4 coaches. We will all be filing complaints with the Minor Hockey Association. You so much as sneeze at another game and you will never see your son play hockey again in this lifetime. You got me, asshole? And I would march you right in that dressing room by your balls (if you had any) to apologize right this minute, but I wouldn�t have the likes of you within 10 feet of my son. You can fuck off now, you are dismissed!�

The mother�s are all standing around open mouthed. When I turn around, I looked at them. �What?"

I�m a hockey mom, do not fuck with me or the boy!

Must have dialed the phone with his face.

�...its asking me for a qualifying product.�

�The version you have is an upgrade version, you have to have a previous version installed before it will work.�

�I have to buy two versions?�

�No, Sir, the version you bought was an upgrade, it upgrades a previous version. It is not a full version. That is why it was half the price of the full version. If you don't have a previous version I can instruct you on how to get your money back for it, and go out and buy a full version of the product.�

�How could you sell a product that was not a full version, I should be able to install this and have it work. I want to speak to tech support.�

Ok, maybe he doesn�t understand the Queen�s English.

�Certainly, Sir, but they won�t be able to help you without a previous version of the product. You can�t upgrade something you don�t have. Buying new tires for a car you don�t have, doesn�t make the car magically appear.� He didn't enjoy the analogy, he is screaming now.

�I can�t believe you people put out a product that doesn�t have the whole fucking program on it, that is ludicrous!� I can�t believe they sell tires that aren�t attached to new cars, but that's just me.

I start to talk over him, he is still ranting about the boss having more money than God, but that is just crazy, everyone knows God doesn't use money. Jeez! �Well we put out the upgrades so that you don�t have to buy the full version every time you want to be current with your software, and we sell them for half the price of a full version.�

�That�s crazy, you can�t put out software that is not complete!� Is this guy for real? Am I on camera? I stand up and have a look around.

�Well, Sir, I can give you instructions on how to get your money back for this product and you can go out and buy a full version, that would have the complete program on it.�

�But that one is twice the price of this one!� By George, I think he's got it!

�I explained why they are different prices, One is an upgrade, so basically we are giving you a break if you are a previous customer. If you do not have a previous version, you have to pay the full price.�

�You people are just trying to make me pay more money!� Ok, that did it.

I have a rule. If you say �you people� twice in a conversation, you will be mysteriously disconnected. Hardly matters, I don�t think this guy could actually work the software even if he somehow got it installed.

I am pretty sure you have to have opposable thumbs.

Five signs of the apocalypse?

The boys father taking him to a game.
The boys father picking him up and keeping him all day.
The boys father going sledding with three kids on crazy carpets.
The boys father cleaning off my car while he waited for said kids to use the bathroom.
The boys father coming into contact with me no less than five times today and each time having a civil conversation.

Don't go buying any green bananas.

Surfin' dude!

This made me laugh out loud. Head on over to Bad News Hughes for some life lessons.

My favorite is: "Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later.

I am not fit for humanity, until I have had my coffee.

Went for coffee this morning (and, no, I did not drag an airplane behind me with my teeth) then stopped for cigarettes. The store was packed. Wasn't sure what was going on so I asked the girl in front of me what the deal was.

"Super 7 is 32.5 million tonight."

That explains it. So I am waiting my turn, and thinking that my coffee is getting cold (damn) the girl in front of me is telling me how she picks up the tickets for all the employees down at the bank and that they were doubling up this week because the jackpot was so high. I tell her that she has talked me into it, I would have to get a ticket also.

After she gets her tickets and leaves I tell the cashier, "Give me a Super 7." and I stand there trying to disguise an evil grin.

Am I a lottery player, you might ask? No, all I can think of is how pissed off she would be if she found out that the winning ticket was pulled right after she left.

And she will find out. She works at my bank.

Dude, I know exactly how you feel.

All that snow and not a single thing to smother with it.

Do not get between me and Tim!

I get up today and go for my morning coffee. I am a bear until I get it. Of course I don�t wait for the car to warm up. That would take precious time in which I could be already drinking my coffee. (Stay with me here.) I get to Tim Horton�s and am next to get to the drive-thru speaker, there is a line of cars behind me. I am sitting there, waiting impatiently, when I hear the sound of a car trying to start. Common enough at this time of year, in this part of the world.

I remember thinking, �sucks to be them�. I am still thinking this 5 minutes later when I realize the sound is coming from the truck in front of me. SHIT!

So, do I sit there in my now warm car and stew? Honk my horn? Shout obscenities? No, I get out of my car and walk up to the window of the truck. The woman inside is mortified. �I am so embarrassed�, she says.

�No worries, just put 'er in neutral, I�ll push you out of the way.�

I will what? Did that come out of my mouth? I didn't even stop to consider if I was physically able to push this half ton truck through the snow on a flat surface. Too late for thinking, I get behind the truck and start to push, this could get ridiculous real fast, especially with an audience. I have her pushed almost all the way when an old guy joins me. (a little late, and pretty much useless, the man was 80 if he was a day).

As I push her into the parking lot, the girls who are working the window are hanging out of it yelling, �Never send a man to do a woman�s job!� I guess they noticed the 5 or 6 strapping young men who did not get out of their cars to help.

I run back to my car thinking I might have to give the old guy CPR, he was breathing pretty hard. I get to the window and the girl says, �Its on the house, sweetie. God bless ya for helping that lady.� Sweet!

As I am driving away, I start to laugh. You see, I hadn't really thought of it as charitable. That truck was between me and my caffine. It could have been a semi and I would have pushed it uphill in a snowstorm for my morning coffee.

Finally!

The money just appeared in my account. So I guess he wasn't too pissed off at my comments.

Long way home.

"I would like to know exactly what is the problem with putting my money back in the account?"

"There's no problem, if it isn't there in a couple of hours, call back."

"Well it has been a week. Can you tell me what is involved, maybe I just don't understand the process. I mean, do you have to walk it from Toronto to Halifax? Do you have to count it out in pennies first, roll it out, then walk it from Toronto to Halifax? Cuz if that is the case, I totally understand the hold up. That's like 1800 kilometers, and on foot that could take a while."

So, I am trying not to piss this guy off. No, really, I am. But I am losing patience. I am just coming up on the two hour mark and I am getting very pissed off.

Does it show?

Some boys never grow up.

Today is the 'boy's birthday and although he is trying to be grown-up about it, he is not impressed. 24 hours have come and gone and "SUPRISE!" the bank has not returned my money. We have made plans for a celebration of movies and pizza Friday night and he is looking forward to it, but he is still not impressed.

I called the boys father the other day when all this began and had a screaming match explained to him that he would have to step the fuck up and take care of the birthday thing this year. Needless to say I had to dumb it upspell out the whole thing to him, this is what he wants, have a cake, feed him, that sort of thing. Oh and I am not stupid enough to leave it up to him. Once I finished tearing him an new one giving him instructions, I called his mother and told her what I expected the father to do. That was an evil thing to do, because his mother will nag him till he loses his mind. Ok, so I had considered that before I called her and to me, it was a plus.

Even though he was given instructions, I have told the boy not to expect much. I told the father what the boy wanted exactly, but I am almost positive he will just hand the cash over to the boy. Makes ya all warm and fuzzy inside, don't it?

I have to say that after I finished tearing him an new one talking to the boys father I was all hyped up, so I called him back and added a few things. "The boy has hockey today, be here at 4." Didn't give him a chance to respond. Here is the amazing thing, he actually showed up, drove the boy to hockey, entered the rink and stayed for the entire game.

Ok, you are not getting the significance. The boy has been in hockey for 4 years, this would be the father's second game. He always comes up with one excuse or another but this time I didn't give him a choice.

You see the boys father and I have been split up for 13 years, and he acts like I just punched him in the face yesterday. (which if he keeps it up can be arranged) Get over it already! He refuses to have a civil conversation with me and acts like he is 12. I am seriously not kidding, he has actuallys said the words, "I know you are, but what am I?" to me.

The other problem is that the boy, who is in fact, twelve wants me to call and ask his father this and that. I try to explain that when I call, the father says no right off the bat, just because it was me that asked. He somehow feels that to do whatever it was I asked him to do would somehow make me happy and that is not something he is prepared to do. I tell the boy, if you ask he will say yes, but the boy is 12, he doesn't get it.

So I let the boy listen in on one of our conversations, after which the boy asked, "Does he always talk to you that way?"

"Yes, boy, he is 12. Every single time I call, he talks to me that way, now do you get it?"

"Ya, I get it, but I still ain't talking to him." Great, that worked out well. At least now he knows why I hate to do it. Even if it doesn't make him want to deal with it himself. I am hoping that as the boy gets older he will start to get pissed off and demand from his father what he should have gotten all along. Start calling him on some of the shit he does.

Because after today, the boy will be the older of the two.

Better late than never. I guess.

Got through to the head asshole at the bank (you know the one, her majesty's bank?) Anyway, he says that they are 99% sure that they can reverse the transaction in 24-48 hours. WTF?(I have been saying that a lot lately)

"What do you mean, your not positive?"

"Well unless something unforeseen happens, I am positive it will be there in 24 hours, actually you better make it 48."

That sounds so encouraging, NOT!

Funny how it took 15 minutes to take it out of my account and 2 days to put it back.

I am definately in the wrong business.

Ok, I cheated.

I will admit, I redid the test until I got the results I wanted.


Congrats! You will marry Captian Jack Sparrow


who (from pirates of the caribbean) are you supposed to marry (for girls) clh
brought to you by Quizilla

Inbreeding in the banking industry.

So, I finally get Mr. Asshole on the phone this morning. Here is his story. He put the freeze on the bank account in case any money was there. He didn't know that I was indeed actually working and that my entire pay check would be in the bank. WTF?

"What do you mean, you didn't know I was working? You had to find me from my Social Insurance Number, you know the same number you use to take a portion of my pay check every single week for the past year?" Why did I think that the people who work in payroll deductions would know that I was working?

"Ok, fine, so what are you going to do about it? You can't take every cent I have. How do you expect me to live?"

"That was every cent you have?"

"Duh, how many bank accounts do you think I have?" Maybe I am in the wrong business. "How much do you make?"

"Well you do owe the money." This guy is asking for it.

"Fine, but if I get evicted and lose my car, how am I supposed to get to work? Oh, I know, I will quit my job and go on welfare, and not only will you not get your money, but you will end up paying me. How does that sound?"

"Perhaps we can work things out." Ya think?

So, he says he will fax a cancellation of the order to my bank and have them unfreeze the money. Sounds good.

An hour later I go to see if the funds are freed up. Not only are the NOT freed up, but they have now been removed from my account. WTF?

I call Mr. Asshole back, he sent the fax this morning. So I trudge down to the bank in person, ready to wage war against bureaucracy. I get there and the bank manager is on her lunch, so I have to come back in an hour. After an hour, I go back.

She says, they didn?t get a fax. "Can you check the machine?"

She rolls her eyes, "I can see it from here, there are no faxes in the tray."

"Can you check the memory? Just for badness sake?"

Look at that, a fax, in the memory but not printed off. Apparently I have to do her job too. After giving her instructions in my sweetest Saturday morning children's show host voice on how to proceed, (I almost ask her if she needs me to show her how to work the fax machine) I leave the bank.

With any luck I might get the money back in a week. I am being kind, that moron probably got lost on the way back to the fax machine.

I can�t win for losing.

I am sitting at my cube Wednesday night, bored, so I decide to read my mail. Not email, actual mail, yes I still get actual mail.

Anyway, I open up one of those fun brown government envelopes and it�s a copy of an order sent to my bank. WTF? Seems the government has seen fit to inform the bank that I owe back taxes. And would they be so kind as to forward all moneys to said government, thanks so much, kisses.

So, since it is Wednesday night, it is too late to stop my pay check from going into the bank. Great! They are going to take the whole thing. (such as it is) There goes my rent and my car payment. Not to mention the fact that the boy�s birthday is on Tuesday.

Doesn�t it seem that the government just doesn�t want a person to get ahead?

The reason my taxes got so backed up was that I was self employed for a lot of years. When you are self employed you don�t send taxes in weekly like taking it off your pay check. You wait till the end of the year and are hit with a huge bill for income tax and pension plan.

The first year wasn�t so bad, and I made payments throughout the year, but the second year killed me. It more than tripled. WTF? Then I decided to start up selling a particular �Pink� kind of make up. Primarily because of the tax write off potential. Unfortunately, not being a very feminine person, I couldn't sell it to save my life, so it basically just drained me.

Anyway, long story short, its up there in the thousands (although not enough thousands to declare bankruptcy, I checked) so I decided that it would be better to have a �real� job that took the governments cut off the top and paid them weekly. But before I could ask the �boss� to put me on the books, he fired me. (another long story)

So, I am 4 months without work before starting up at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� but still paying on my taxes. Even though the government has several post dated checks they decide now to eliminate the middle man (that�s me) and just go straight to the bank.

I spent all day today trying to get through to the asshole person named in the letter from the government, fully prepared to rip him a new one, but could not get said asshole person on the phone.

I wonder how they expect me to live if they take my entire pay check?

�That�s ok, Mr. Asshole, I will just quit my job and go on welfare and you can pay me.�

Sounds like a plan.

Some people just don't appreciate art.

Do you believe this work of art did not recieve one bid on ebay?

What has the world come to?

Why you can't take me anywhere.

Amanda, Holly and I head to Mickey D's for lunch. I say lunch but it is 9:30 pm, but to us, its lunch. We are going through the drive thru. Holly places the order (two sepreate orders, this is important to note) and we get to the pickup window.

Rocket Scientist: "It's going to be a couple of minutes for your second order, is that ok?" Is this a trick question?
ME: I lean forward to speak past Holly,"Uh, no?"

Stunned silence.

Amanda and Holly both look at me like I have lost my mind.

Well, she asked.


UPDATE: In my defence, the girl wanted us to take one order and cool our heels at the curb and wait for the other order. So, one would be cold.

Current Wallpaper.

Tell me, can you look at this with a straight face?



This is my wallpaper as well as my screensaver at work, and every time I see it (so far) I crack up. That, of course, generates curious stares from my co-workers. Has she finally cracked?

Tell me. How can you possibly be in a bad mood, laughing like an idiot? And so far, no one, not even Amanda can look at it with a straight face.

In fact last night she tried. We are both sitting there staring at it. The simple fact that we were trying to do it made me crack. Then Amanda said that if you stared at it too long you could see its lips move. (ok, so she was starting to scare me a little.)

I have just solved the disgruntled employee problem. Thankyou, I'm here all week.

Fucks you, Lady!

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah...

"Yaw, I ken get no fucks." You and me both, lady.

"Excuse me?"

"My fucks in verrd."

"I am sorry, I can't understand the word you are saying." At least I hope I can't.

"Verd 2000 fucks." Does she mean sucks? I am lost.

"I'm sorry, you can't get your what?"

"Fucks, Fucks, in verd, ya no, fucks me the pay pare? Fucks."

"Fox? Wait a minute, Fax?????"

"Yes Fucks."

"Sorry, the fucks department is closed for the evening, you will have to call back."

<--click-->

What will they think of next?

I open the old email tonight, and there is an email from Bloglinker. Great! Another person linking me.

Your site And another thing... (http://evel.blogspot.com) has recently been linked to by Free Online Adult Personals (http://www.meetpeopleforsex.com) using the www.blogLinker.com system.

Your list will automatically link back to the initiating linker.

Spam, taken to the next level.

It won't sleep.

I get home from work and the boy is still up.

He does it just to torture me.

Once more, with feeling.

Again, with the revised list from My2SecondShelfLife. Copy and paste the list and then you bold the movies you've seen. (as before, you can delete my commentary)

1. Snatch
2. 25th Hour
3. Godfather I II III Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
4. Momento
5. Roxanne
6. Shallow Grave
7. Nightmare Before Christmas
8. Jackie Brown
9. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
10. Formula 51
11. Pulp Fiction
12. To Sir with Love
13. Burnt by The Sun
14. Cabaret Balkan
15. Beautiful Girls
16. La Femme Nakita
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. This Boy's Life
19. Four Weddings & a Funeral
20. About a Boy
21. Goodfellas
22. Casino
23. The Usual Suspects
24. Seven
25. Punch Drunk Love
26. Fargo
27. Bend it Like Beckham
28. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
29. Notting Hill
30. Shakespeare in Love
31. Young Frankenstein
32. Blazing Saddles We don't need no stinkin' badges!
33. The Life of Brian Must be seen while under "the influence" to be appreciated.
34. The Joy Luck Club
35. Othello (the one with Lawrence Fishburne)
36. When Father Was Away on Business
37. Mother Debbie Rhynolds rocks!
38. True Romance
39. Dog Day Afternoon
40. Scarface Say ello to my lil fren!
41. The Other Sister
42. Domenick & Eugene
43. Broken English
44. Reservoir Dogs
45. Snapper
46. The Onion Field
47. Pretty in Pink (one of those movies like Ferris Beuller)
48. The Breakfast Club
49. The Green Mile
50. Philidelphia
51. Antwone Fisher
52. Corina, Corina
53. Goin' Down The Road (sorry, I am Canadian and I have no idea)
54. Sound of Music
55. Madame X
56. Imitation of Life
57. The Replacements
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Fiddler on the Roof Loved this one, Anthony Quinn was better in Zorba though
60. The Road to Perdition
61. Dead Man Walking ( never saw this one, but wished Sean Penn dead....does that count?)
62. The Player
63. Doctor Zivago
64. Shindler's List Didn't realize it was in black and white, till the very end.
65. The Dirty Dozen
66. Monty Python and the Holy Grail ZZZZZZZWWWWWWAAAAAAMMMMMMPP! Messege for you sir!
67. Lolita (the original)
68. Shallow Hal
69. The Fine Young Cannibals
70. Round Midnight
71. American History X
72. The Outsiders
73. Rumblefish
74. Perfect Storm
75. A Bronx Tale
76. Fight Club That one was fucked up!
77. 12 Angry Men
78. A Patch of Blue
79. Remember the Titans
81. Little Odessa
82. Moonstruck SNAP OUT OF IT!
83. Sixth Sense I did not catch on that he was dead.
84. Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean
85. The Professional
86. The Valley of the Dolls
87. Dead Calm
88. Zelig ( I avoid Woody Allen like the plague)
89. What's Up, Tiger Lily
90. The Party
91. Wait Until Dark
92. To Kill a Mockingbird
93. Empire
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. Paris is Burning
98. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert Loved this one!
99. Rear Window
100. Irma LaDuce
101. Tribute
102. Harold & Maude
103. Clockwork Orange
104. This is Spinal Tap
105. Hardball
106. Slingblade (the publicity on this one killed it for me, gave it a pass)
107. Pay it Forward
108. As Good as it Gets

This is the last time, I promise.

Pass it on.

As seen on My2SecondShelfLife. Copy and paste the list and then you bold the movies you've seen. (you can delete my commentary)


1. X-Men
2. The Craft
3. X2
4. Swimfan
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo
7. Peter Pan
8. Home Alone
9. Aladdin
10. The Ring
11. 10 Things I Hate About You
12. Not Another Teen Movie
13. Spiceworld - even if I had...I would not admit this one.
14. 8 Mile
15. Bambi - a cruel trick on children.
16. Pirates of the Carribean
17. Edward Scissorhands - tried watching this a couple times, but OMG...too stupid for words.
18. Stepmom
19. My Best Friends Wedding
20. 101 Dalmatians
21. Scream
22. Scream 2
23. Scream 3 - finally gave up hoping that this movie would get better.
24. Big Daddy
25. Billy Madison
26. Chamber of Secrets
27. Sorcerer Stone
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber
30. Cruel Intentions
31. Scary Movie
?32. Look Who's Talking
33. Blade
34. Blade II
35. O
36. Titanic - but don't bother....he dies.
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage
39. Daddy Day Care - but I want to.
40. Legally Blonde
41. Austin Powers - all of them.
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company
44. Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks - seen all of them.
47. Fast and the Furious
48. 2Fast, 2 Furious - I heard Vin wasn't in this one, so I gave it a pass.
49. A Walk To Remember
50. TripleX
51. Beauty and the Beast - as well as Beautician and the Beast
52. I Know What You Did Last Summer - and yet I don't care.
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer - still don't care.
54. Sound of Music
55. Mary Poppins
56. Tuck Everlasting - another one that I will get around to.
57. The Patriot - even Mel couldn't foce me to watch this one.
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Teaching Mrs. Tingle - want to see this one too.
60. Crossroads - avoiding this one like the plague.
61. Now and Then - not sure but I did see Joshua Then and Now...probably not the same.
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married
64. Cast Away
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination - truly a fright flick. If you haven't seen it....do so.
67. Lady and the Tramp
68. Shallow Hal
69. 40 Days and 40 Nights
70. Bring It On - oh it's all ready been broughten!
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix
74. Perfect Storm
75. Austin Powers 2
76. Never Been Kissed
77. Clueless
78. Bruce Almighty
79. Remember the Titans
81. Girl, Interrupted
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense
84. PhoneBooth
85. The Lion King
86. Urban Legends
87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2
89. Little Mermaid
90. American Pie
91. Center Stage
92. Scooby Doo
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. American Beauty
98. Romeo & Juliet
99. Lost World
100. Casper

Just thank God, that I didn't actually sit down and create a list of all the movies I have actually seen. That might frighten ya.

If it ain't sh*t, you must acquit.

Ok, here's the scenario. Three cats, mine, his and my mothers. If his cat makes a mess he has to clean it up, if it is one of the others, I have to. Simple enough, right? Ok, Mr. Cochrane, I may have found a loophole. I believe the actual wording of the contract stated that if it was one of my cats he didn't have to clean it up.

My mothers cat, Babe, and the boy's cat, Oscar are eating from the dish. I walk in. I hear a gagging sound and look over. Babe has chucked his lunch. (I can't describe the whole picture because it would spoil the ending). I grab the cat by the tail, and as I am throwing him over the railing, I yell to the boy, trying hard not to laugh.

ME: AH..BOY?
TheBoy: What?
ME: (I can't speak, I am in hysterics)
TB: What are you laughing at?
ME: Babe just got sick. (I completely lose it now.)
TB: (he starts to laugh also, which makes me laugh even harder) What are you laughing at, you have to clean it up. That's the deal.
ME: No, I believe the deal was, if it was one of my cats, you didn't have to clean it, there's a difference.
TB: So?
ME: So, I ain't cleaning this one.
TB: Well I ain't cleaning it.
ME: Oh, I think you are.
TB: Mom, we had a deal, you can't make me.
ME: Ah, here's the thing.(can hardly speak I am laughing so hard. I just had to pause for effect)Babe threw up.
TB: What? What are you laughing at? Babe is yours, you have to clean it up.
ME: Ya, Babe is my cat, but here's the thing, my cat threw up ( pause ) on your cat.

The boy turned green.

It was a thing of beauty, neatly done, all the way from his neck to his arse, not a drop on the floor, it was priceless and I almost pissed myself laughing.

Definitely a loophole you can drive a Mack truck through.

All by my seeeeeelllllfff!

JEZUS! Enough with the singing. Last night I was working alone. Ok, so I wasn't the only one working but the two people I talk to the most were both AWOL. One was on "vacation" (who takes one vacation day?) the other was "sick".(Ya right) They left me, alone, with nothing to do. The people we usually make fun of were in rare form and I couldn't even ridicule them. Well I could have, but were is the fun in that? I need a laugh track.

Anyway, I will relate a story from another night....when the laugh track was present.

There are a couple of guys in our row. Not children, grown men. Who are very much into Dungeons and Dragons. One actually speaks the language. I want to call it Dragonian but I think that is it Draconian, or something. I am always asking them (as if I am interested) if they have to use funny voices when they play or if they dress up in costume.

Well this night, they were having a heated discussion about some stupid D&D thing. I tried to tune them out because, hey, sometimes it is just way too easy. When one of them gets up and says, rather dramatically,

�You would NOT catch me dead, sir, on Loyalist land!�

I turn, almost like I was not in control of myself, and said �Because THAT, my friend would just be WRONG!�

Amazingly he didn�t catch the sarcasm because as he was stalking away he added, �You got that right, sister!�

D&D is some serious, albeit ridiculous, stuff/

Till I'm sick of it, Alex.

What is.... when are you going to change that crap music on the left?

I am OCD, get used to it.

And now for the continuing saga of...

As part of an ongoing feature of And another thing, along with tales from the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� I will be posting �Ways in which I torture the boy.�

This instalment will feature the boy and I having a conversation one morning at about 6am. I go in to wake him up.

ME: Rise and shine!
THE BOY: Get out! MOOOOOOOMMMM I�m sick.
ME: Right, Get out of bed. Your not sick.

He digs deeper, so I get in behind him and slowly push him out under the guise of trying to get comfortable.

TB: GOD MOM!
ME: Hey! You should go turn on the radio��.maybe there isn�t even any school today.

Its Canada, its January, it is more than possible. The boy is laying on the floor where he fell.

THE BOY: You go check, please Mom.

We argue back and forth for a while, and finally he realizes that I am not getting out of his warm cozy bed and goes and turns on the radio.

TB: GOD MOM! Now you made me miss it, I got the end and it said no school in Truro.

He stumbles back in the bedroom.

TB : Will you go and listen to the radio so I can take a shower?
ME: Nope.
TB: Please?
ME: Just turn it up, I can hear it from here.
TB: No you can�t, please!
ME: Yes I can.
TB: Can not!
ME: Can too..
TB: No you can�t!
ME: Yes I can. Go turn it up and I will prove it.

He stamps into the living room, grumbling and moaning, turns up the radio and comes back in.

TB: Can you hear it?
ME: Nope.
TB: MOM!!! Get up and listen to it. I hate school! I�m too tired, I�m sick.
ME: Are you done?

He lays back down on the floor, face down. He is near tears.

ME: Hey, look on the bright side.
TB: What bright side?
ME: You don�t have to go to school in Truro.

This strikes me as hilarious and I laugh so hard my head hurts. The boy is looking at me like I have two heads. He is getting angry now.

TB: What are you laughing at? MOM! What are you laughing at?
ME: Well that would be one hell of a walk! And it is damn cold outside.

I can�t stand it, I go into the living room still busting a gut, the boy is still laying on the floor in his room. I listen to the radio and come back into his room.

ME: Good news!

He jumps up, looking at me expectantly.

TB: What? What? What?

ME: You don�t have to go to school in Digby or Cape Breton either!

I dodge some flying objects as I run from the room. Laughing hysterically. Ahhhh Motherhood!

Dr. Phil would have a field day.

I don�t know if it�s the cat thing, or my period starting but I am feeling evil today. I thought I would share something with you.

Every single time I go into the bathroom I am faced with one of two things. Either the seat is up, or the boy has pissed all over it. Now, the boy has taken to hanging his favourite sweater on the hook in the bathroom. When he pisses on the seat, I take the sweater off the hook, wipe the seat with it and put it back. And I don�t tell him. (insert evil grin)

I don�t know if the boy reads the blog but he should. After all, it may be helpful for him to know how utterly insane his mother really is.

Your right, better he doesn�t know. The element of surprise and all that.

That reminds me of a conversation we had:

THE BOY: He is eating his supper, �You know what I hate about you?�
ME: �The fact that I spit in your food?� The look on his face is worth the cost of his potential therapy.
THE BOY: �MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM?????�
ME: �Relax, will ya. I don�t spit in your food.� He sighs. �Only in your drinks. I put snot in your food.�

He chases me into my room where I am laughing hysterically.

June Cleaver, I ain�t.

Ok, Christmas is finally over.

I know, I know. It was over long ago. But today I finally took down the rest of the decorations. Your saying, "Slacker!" and you are right. And the only reason it is getting done now is to keep me from butchering getting rid of my cats.

I don't know if you remember the two demon adorable kittens I had have, but today they broke me, and I threw them, one after another, out through the broken window in the door (courtesy of the boy) over the railing of the deck to the driveway below.

As they were flying through the air I heard (in my head) "PULL!" and wished to god I had a shotgun. I am just hoping now that after a couple of hours outside in -31 wind chill, I can just shovel them up and take them straight to the taxidermist.

Don't give me that look! For some reason, known only to them, they think that the only place to shit in the universe is on, under or beside my papasan chair.


(This is not exactly the same as mine, but you get the idea)

And if someone is dutifully watching said chair, any towel on the floor is fair game. Pick up the towel you say? Tell that to the boy!

Any cat lovers out there better send me some suggestions, other than snapping their necks, cuz I have Dave's Taxidermy on speed dial.

Actually, its N as in Neil.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah...

I am on the phone with Kevin, I tell him his options. We continue on. That is what I love about Pro. They know what they want, who they need to speak to and how much it is going to cost them. They are generally patient and most will just chat about the weather (which is a hot topic when they find out I am from the 'frozen north') while I make notes and get their case ready for transfer.

I am getting Kevin's credit card information and he is rubbing it in that he lives in California and his office overlooks the ocean. "Just for that, Kevin, I am charging you extra." We laugh like idiots. I get to the part where he tells me what name is on the card. Kevin N Whatshisname and I say.

"N as in Nancy?"

He stops for a second, "Actually, its N as in Neil. My parents were not that cruel."

I lost it. The two of us could barely keep it together. I was trying hard not to laugh so I was just giggling. The girls behind me started to comment that I was giggling and that made me laugh more.

It was a long night. Thanks, Kevin.

And another thing...

I have added a new section to the menu bar. Resources. I will be adding links to helpful pages so you all can benefit from my vast experience. Try not to roll your eyes.

Half way to 70!

So, I am talking to the geek today.

Disclaimer: I call him the geek because I don't want to name him and he knows absolutely everything there is to know about computers. I don't consider geek a derogatory term because I wish desperately that I was one.

Anyway, I digress.

I am talking to the geek today. "The fan on my motherboard is making a sound, slowing down and speeding back up. That can't be good right?"

He proceeds to talk to me like I am an idiot, he does this a lot. (I know it is a bad thing,,,,,,I was trying to be funny.) What I was really saying, if he would just read between the lines, is: What do they cost and where I can get one? And more importantly, do you have one and will you put it in for me?

His girlfriend is in the background, have I been on messenger yet? No, why? Never mind, he says and giggles, �I�m not telling�.�.

Ok, what am I missing? I go on messenger. I look around, what should I be seeing? I do notice that his name is changed to �Half way to 70� could that be it? Can�t be. Ok, I�ll bite. �What am I looking for?�

�Oh, I am soooo putting a crayon comment on your blog!� Ok, so it is something I am missing that is completely obvious.

The girlfriend in the background says, �Why do you talk to her like that? You don�t treat me that way.�

�That�s why you are still the girlfriend�, I say. If he talked to her like that she would have beaten him to a quivering mass of jelly long ago.

Ok, maybe it is the name. �What does half way to 70 mean?�

�What is half of 70?�

�Uh�...35?�

�And?�

�Are you 35 today, G.r.o.g?� Apparently the date of his birth is right up there with Christ, he can�t believe I didn�t know it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLD MAN!

Time for your meds, Dave.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is ....blah blah blah...

A little girl, sing-song voice comes on the phone, that is clearly not coming out of a little girl, "I took my medicine."

�That�s nice, Dave.�

Dave is a regular at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� when he is not on his meds, he is very irate. So I guess he was just letting me know that he was ok tonight. I know he has a computer, and he does have a problem with it, but when he is off his meds, he is pretty much incoherent and ranting, and when he is on his meds, it goes more like this.

�Are you having a problem with your computer, Dave?�

�I took my mmmmmeeeedddddiiiiiiiiiccccccciiiiiinnnnnneeeee!�

�Cool, Dave. Are you having a problem with the compute tonight?�

�Do you take medicine, Evel?�

�No, Dave. I do not take medicine.�

�I take Prozac, do you take Prozac?�

�No, Dave, but I heard it was one of the better ones.�

Most of the rest of the conversation is pointless and eventually I hang up.

Amanda got him tonight, Now remember,,, little girl voice.

�You know what my boyfriend bought me?�

Amanda is trying to get him to tell her if he has a problem with his computer, but he isn�t giving up.

�Ok, Dave. What did your boyfriend give you?�

�Thongs!� Fits of laughter, �Two thaaaaaawwwwwnnngs.�

Amanda hooks him, I ask her, �Well? Did you at least find out what color?�

She is no fun at all.

Holy Shit!

It is fucking' cold.

Temperature steady minus 18. Cold wind chill minus 31.

Yank translation: Minus 18C = ZERO degrees F, and minus 31C?.....a lot fuckin' colder than that.(about minus 25) You heard me! Minus fucking twenty five!

So, your freezing point is 32? that means that it is 32 degrees colder than that, and then 25 degrees more fucking cold!

Wait a minute? Ok, never mind, that last part is wrong, I think? I don't know, I think I just put myself in the south pole, but you get the idea...it is fucking cold. And sorry for the swearing but it is not merely cold...it IS fucking cold. And when you are fucking cold, you can not do math.

In my experience.


UPDATE: I take it back, not even James Bond could get it up in this weather.

WHOOO HOOO!

I went from 8 pages of error code, to this:



And I would fix them, if I had any earthly idea what the hell it means.

Let me know if it still gives you a headache, Mike.

Back to the drawing board.

As much as I absolutely love this template. It is unfortunately riddled with script errors. Invalid html code and so much more I can't get into. I suppose I should have checked it before I started to use it, but I just figured that anyone who could make a template knew what they were doing, and they deffinately know more than I do, which means, I was the one to screw it up while messing with it.



If anyone out there can make me a similar template, sans coding errors, please let me know. I really, really, really, like this layout. How hard can it be? Ok, so what your saying is I should just do it myself? Why do I have to do it myself, everyone else gets to use premade templates. (insert whine here)

Someone out there will take pity on me. Won't they? (insert Scarlet O'Hara accent) I often rely on the kindness of strangers.

Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

Taken from A Small Victory. Aparently I am the Godfather. Interesting. I wonder how many people who know me personally would agree?

What Classic Movie Are You?

Thou shall not covet thy neighbors ...
cleaning lady.

Don't lie to me, man. I know you are coveting. You are sooooo coveting.

In case you are wondering "What does Evel covet?"

It's my bigass Tim Horton mug. The one on the left is a regular mug, holds a large coffee. The one on the right, the big ass mug, holds...wait for it......a whole pot of coffee. I love this thing, Sonny gave it to me (without too much whining) for Christmas. I haven't actually used it yet. How do I? Without my friends organizing a coffee addict intervention and force me into some twelve step program?

Actually a lot of people at work have this thing. You are not supposed to drink directly from them, but that hasn't stopped some people. After all, those warnings are just put on their for the same morons they put "lather, rinse, repeat" on shampoo bottles. Right? It is quite amusing to watch. Even though it looks ridiculous? I have wanted one since I first laid eyes on it.

Oh ya, I was coveting, and I am not ashamed to admit it. And you can have it, when you pry it out of my cold, dead, caffeine stained hands.

Apple's and Oranges

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is....blah blah blah..."

"Ya, I can't get my modem installed."

"What operating system are you running on that pc?"

"I don't' have a pc, I have an apple."

"Have you called apple, sir?"

"No, I need to get on the internet."

"Um, this is orange sir, we don't have people trained in apple."

He is very agitated now, "This has nothing to do with apple! I need to get on the internet and orange IS the fuckin' internet!"

Really? Hey, I think this guy must owe us money then. I wonder if Bill is aware that he owns the internet? Maybe we can get some of these dipshits kicked off? I will have to look into that. There has got to be some perks to working for "orange".

"Um, no sir, we are not the internet. And we don't have anyone here trained in the use of apple, you will have to call them."

"Oh, I see what this is, you are trying to get me to pay for it. You people at "orange", always in it for the money."

"Actually, sir, I couldn't even charge you for support, you have called orange, and your product is apple. We can't help you."

"Well, that's just great, my brother-in-law told me that you people have taken control of my computer, and that is why I can't get on the internet. I tell you what, I will never buy another orange product for as long as I live."

As far as I can tell he hasn't bought one yet, so I think its safe to say that Bill's kids can still go to college. He is ranting in the background but I have tuned him out. Oh, shit....he is giving the wife the phone.

"ello?"

"Yes, mamme, I was just telling your husband that here at "orange" we have no one here that can help him with his apple."

"Dis eez owange?" She starts screaming at her husband in some language and even though I don't speak it, I get the gist of it. "So sawwy."

"Not a problem." Your the one who married him, I am deeply sawwy for you.

Fine!

People are still commenting on the fact that my nails are no longer long. And I don't paint them "all weird like". So I am actively growing them again.

Check back in a couple of weeks. Till then, get off my back, Man.

So far, so good.

Now as long as I don't totally screw it up, this should be the new template.

Fingers crossed.

It is late, I will stop now. Quit while I am ahead.

ok, maybe not.

Ok, that was a traumatic experience......I totally slaughtered the site. Thank god I saved an old template.....I am going to stop now. Why can't I find a plain, clean uncluttered template for a blog that doesn't look like a fuckin' romance novelist threw up on it? I just want what I have, but maybe a little more streamlined, is that so much to ask? Nevermind....I am getting upset and I don't feel like ranting right now. (I said it....didn't I?)

Under Construction.

That's right, I am screwing with the stylesheets again. Might even get a whole new template, not sure, depends on how bad I fuck this one up.

If anyone wants to pitch in and help, please do. I think I need a whole new look here.


UPDATE: Man, that looks like shit! HELP!!!

Another year down the crapper and I spent it at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. All was not a total waste, here are some of the highlights.


We set up for our rip-roaring party.

Chris gets into the spirit.

Doesn't Amanda look impressed?

We are so prepared it makes the others sick.

Cathe had a bit too much to drink, I think.

I took a picture of Chris at the stroke of midnight for his wife. We were having a pity party on messenger with her.

Looks like a bunch of drunken sailors blew through here. (I wish)

I hope you all had a safe and Happy New Year.

Heavy sigh!

Well Christmas is over and all I can say is.....

Thank Fuck!

I am so glad that all of that shit is finally over. I think maybe I never quite got into the mood this year. It may have been the fact that we had no snow for Christmas. Christmas Eve it was about 15 degrees here. (That's around 55 for the Yanks in the crowd) We sat outside and ate chili, coats were optional.

I think for a person to truly get in the mood there must at least be some snow on the ground. Otherwise it is just depressing. I guess when you are not used to having snow it is different. But to me, Christmas will always be white.

HO! HO! HO!

Santa was good to at least one of us. Does he look pleased?

Actually we both made out like bandits. It was a good one.

Now I just threw the bird (as an afterthought) into the oven so in a couple of hours we might even eat.

Last night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� we had a ball. We filled one of the cubes with cookies and candies. I brought my discman and a set of tiny speakers and we had music. And our "fireman" Chris, brought (what else?) chili. We had a great time.



At midnight we broke open the crackers.



It still amazes me that there is a whole generation out there that has no idea what they are. We sat around wearing silly hats and playing with the cheezy prizes.

There she blows!

In case anyone is interested in how the whole tree thing turned out, here are some pics (without the commentary, it's 5am here.)

And the jack came back ther very next day.

Came into work last night and the place was a buzz. Jack had been back, making the rounds through customer service.

Someone managed to get his phone number out of him and brought up his "case". And what a case it is. He has a rap sheet as long as your arm. He's been calling on and off for a year. He was graced at one point and his issue resolved. Now he figures since we did it before we should do it again.

You are so wrong, Jack.

Jack has made it on the watch list. We love the watch list. We can have fun with people on the watch list. We don't have to be nice to them, we just transfer him to security where they inform him that if he does not cease and desist that legal action will be taken against him.

Congradulations, Jack. And you have a Merry Christmas.

Holiday fun at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

Now that I am in the Pro section of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� I no longer deal with the redneck morons of the general public but inevitably a few stragglers get through. I believe these people get through purely for my amusement, and for that I send out a big thank you.

The Pro section of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� is open 24x7, but consumer is closed at 7pm our time on the weekends. However, some people ignore this and call the Pro line. Last night �Jack� got through at around 9:30pm. There are only 6 of us on duty at this time of day and as luck would have it, it was 3 girls and 3 guys.

Mellissa gets �Jack�, Jack says, �I was looking for a man.� CLICK

Okey dokey.

Jeff takes his last call, its Jack. Jack has Product 98. (obsolete but you can still pay to get support till the first of the year, at that point you are shit out of luck) Jack did not enjoy hearing this. He further did not enjoy the fact that in the event he was willing to part with $35 that no one would help him, cuz the consumer tech support is closed. Much screaming from Jack and several patient �Keep this professional.� sir�s from Jeff later and even Jeff had had enough and hooked him.

Now there is jovial discussion about �Jack�, Mellissa says �When he said he wanted a man, I wanted to say I�m sorry sir this is Undisclosed Customer Service Center� we don�t provide that sort of service.� Good one.

We have had people like �Jack� before, and they inevitably call back, over and over. Full of righteous indignation demanding satisfaction. We all joke about who gets him next. I suggest the �men� log off the phone so he is forced to get one of the girls. Too late, Marc gets �Jack�.

Marc tries to explain, that there is no way we can transfer him even if we wanted to, the techs for that product have gone home. Jack is taking some sort of a seizure at this point and Marc is forced to hook him.

Craig is next, he at least gets his name out before Jack begins his tirade. Jack must have complained about the woman he got first and that he was glad at least Craig was a man. Craig informs him that he had a 50-50 chance of getting a woman since there was an equal amount of men and women on duty. But no matter, there was nothing anyone could do for him because he had called the Pro line Then he must have said that he would pay for professional support. To which Criag informed him the fee was $245, I think Jack swallowed his tongue because the line went dead.

I am giddy at this point because I am next in line. I love this shit. The phone rings, �Hello Jack� I am ready for him. I was waiting for him to comment on the fact that I was a woman because I was going to use Mellisa�s line. But all Jack wanted to do was complain about the men. �The let me waste my breath for 10 minutes telling them my problem, then they interrupt me to tell me they can�t help me.� Jack wouldn�t let them (or me) get a word in edgewise. And I tried repeatedly to interrupt him (cuz I know he loves it) but all he got was more irritated. So I decide to just talk over him. This puts Jack into an even better mood. I can barely keep from laughing in his ear.

In my best sing-song, children's tv show voice I say,�Well, Jack. Unfortunately, as you know, I am going to have to tell you that I can�t help you either. You were given your support options, there is nothing I can do. �

�You are very rude, Evel. I hope you burn in hell.�

�Well, thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, Jack and I will see you there.�

Do you believe he hung up on me?

For the love of God, people!

Use your freakin' head. You DID NOT inherit an oil company. Nigerian diplomats do not need you to filter money out of the country. If you fail to send that stupid chain letter you will NOT self destruct. M.i.cr.o.sof.t DOES NOT send out viruses. The check is NOT in the mail, and YES you CAN get pregnant if you "do it" standing up.

You know that old addage? If it sounds too good to be true, then it is? There is a good reason that one has been around so long.

BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!

But then again, another one has been around just as long. There is a sucker born every minute. And aparently those suckers are born in litters.

Now THAT is a tree!

As per usual I have gone completely overboard with the Christmas tree. I would post a picture, but my camera is on loan. I will have to paint a mental picture for you. In my living room I have 10ft ceilings. There is also an alcove about two feet deep and 5ft across. Much like a bay window, only angular. This is where I put my Christmas tree. Usually it takes up about two thirds of the space.

The boy and I decided to get our tree after the hockey game tonight, in which he (of course) got a goal. [Insert motherly pride here](this is also accompanied by a smug look, an unfortunate side effect) We pass by one lot that is closed. WTF? Ten minutes past 7 and they pack it in? So now we have to truck to the other side of town. I say 'truck' but that doesn't paint the right picture. A sane person would have taken a truck, but not I.

We arrive at the site and as we step out, all you can smell is fir tree, (mmmm Christmas) I immediately spy this glorious tree. As I get closer, however, the tree gets bigger. Undaunted, I stand in front of it and I am in love. "How big is this one?" (Please don't be too big.)

"That one is 10 feet." The boy raises an eyebrow and starts to look elsewhere. I am still standing in front of the tree. It was the most beautifully shaped, full, symmetrical, wondrous tree. It was also 50 bucks. That price received a snort from the boy.

"But it's only once a year." I tell him. But in his mind, that is 50 bucks I won't be spending on him. He shakes his head.

"It's not gonna fit."

"I can make it fit." Now he has ruined it for me. "Ok, lets look at some other ones." But as we browse through the Charlie Brown section they all come up wanting. All of them are downright puny next to "THE' tree.

The little devil on my shoulder says, "You want that tree, and aren't you the boss? If you want it, take it, we will cram it into that space if we have to." Then from the left shoulder, "For Christ's sake, that trunk is NOT going to fit in your stand. And why would you need to hack that tree up to make it fit, why not just get a tree that does fit?"

Damn! The voice of reason. I hate that bitch. So, I start looking at tree trunks. Not the trees, just the trunks. I figure, why get my heart set on a tree if the snotty bitch on the left is just going to bitch and moan that it's just not possible.

Then I see it, the perfect size trunk. The boy has seen it too. "Stand that one up, how tall is it?"

"9 feet, but I can cut some off the bottom." Ok, I have 10ft ceilings, cut some off the bottom, allow for the stand. Perfect!

Now you think the bitch on my shoulder would settle for that, but noooooo! The man is dragging it over to the bailer. "Your never going to fit that in the car you know." Shut up bitch! The guy can barely get it through the bailer, says he may not be able to bail it at all.

"If you can't bail it, I can't take it." I say. He tries harder, and with much grunting and groaning and some help from his buddy, it is bailed into a somewhat manageable package.

Then he turns to me, "Where do you want it?" I turn to look over at my car. Did he groan? He did.

I am NOT giving up on this tree, "It will fit."

"No it wont", says the bitch.

"Yes, it will."

After more grunting and groaning and miles of bailers twine the tree is (sort of) in the trunk. I pay him and as he comes back with my change he is also (to my embarassment) carrying an orange flag to tie on the end that is sticking about 6 feet out from behind the car. He looks me square in the eye, "Do not go on the highway."

I get into the car, "See, I told you it would fit." The boy just rolls his eyes.

As we near our destination the bitch is back. "Nice work Einstein, who the hell is going to drag that monstrosity into the house?" FUCK! That would be me. "And did we forget about the cats? They are going to have a great time climbing that redwood."

Fade to 11:45pm. I have just sat down to write this. It has taken me the better part of 5 hours to wrestle the tree from the trunk, up the stairs, through three doorways, around two corner (not easy) until finally the tree is standing. Still in its binding it just kisses the ceiling. A little off the top and Santa will have that tree up his butt and it will be perfect.

As I get to the half way point of cutting away the binding, I hear Chevy Chase's voice in my head. "I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree!" And the fuckin' thing let go! I nearly fell off the chair I was standing on. I was so busy worrying about how tall it was, I never even considered that it would be this wide. It completely fills the space. But Holy Shit! It is beautiful.

Then the cats stroll by. Another half hour to secure it with bailers twine in three places. That sucker is NOT going anywhere. Hell, I could climb it. Of course, now I am too whipped to decorate it. It is just going to have to stay in its natural wonder for a couple days.

I can live with that.

WTF?

Not sure what happened to the blog. I honestly did nothing but all of a sudden I have these teeny tiny fonts. Hmmm.

Its a dirty job...but someone has to do it.

Well, having a little trouble with the email since switching back to high speed internet. So, since Aliant has a new thing called Net Assistant. I thought I would give it a hook.

Its supposed to be like a chat.

Aliant Internet Member Services 08:50:26 Dec 16 2003
Your service request has been recieved and will be queued shortly.

Aliant Internet Member Services 08:50:34 Dec 16 2003
Your request has been received by the Aliant Internet Member Services, and has been put in the ConsumerEnglish queue until a Technical Support Agent is available. our hours of Operation are from 8am to 10pm, 7 days a week. If you are looking for support after hours please call the helpdesk at###-###_#### or visit our website.

Ok, so I have a bit of time, lets see....aparently just sit and wait. Then after a bit, I get this message.

Aliant Internet Member Services 09:43:45 Dec 16 2003
Your trouble report has been assigned to Technical Support Agent Peter S.

Great! Now we are getting somewhere. This is too cool.

Aliant Internet Member Services 09:43:46 Dec 16 2003
The Technical Support Agent has requested to close this incident.

WTF? Exactly a second after he was "assigned" the report, he asked to have it closed. So basically this Net Assistant is really just an assistant to the techs, to keep us from calling them by phone. Nice work. If you can get it.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Thought I would cheer the place up a bit. Seeing as how I can't seem to find the time to decorate my house. I started (again) tonight to do it, but so far I have one pitiful string of lights up.

I thought I would get more done, but when you are a junkie, it is tough to get yourself moving.

Oh, didn't I mention my new addiction?

Hmmm...lets just say, if anyone asks you if you want to try The Sims? Run, don't walk, as fast as you can in the other direction. It is completely addictive. I have been up till 5am most nights since I got the fuckin' thing. And I keep forgetting to teach my guy how to cook and he ends up burning his kitchen down, with him in it. Then the wife comes home from work to find a pile of ash in the kitchen and that is the end of her, she is inconsolable, she won't eat, she won't go to work, stuff starts getting reposessed. It is an ugly scene.

Just say no to the Sims. No good can come of it.

On a lighter note, I am finished with the overtime and feeling great. Can't wait to see the paycheck, maybe Ca.na.da Cu.st.oms will even let me keep some of it.

We'll see.

HELLO? Is this thing on?

Spending my days working my fingers to the bone. Ok, so it's not manual labour but it is cutting into my blogging and sleeping time. I am trying to get as much overtime in as humanly possible before Christmas. Thankfully, tonight is the last night of OT for the next paycheck so I can relax.

Pro has been great. I absolutely love it. It's sort of like sitting around socializing with your friends and every now and then you take a call. You would think the time goes by slow, but it doesn't because everyone is in the same boat.

The only down side is that the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� has forbid us from surfing the net or using instant messaging. This is because a few morons have abused the privilage by downloading games and installing Kazaa on the server, thus causing viruses to invade. Assholes! So the rest of us that were using it...well....like adults, have to suffer.

Another thing that is sticking in my craw is PA's. These are Performance Assessments. You get one every 6 months and they more or less determine your raise. One thing that I am told effects it is volunteering for extra duties. Walking the floor to help out newbies, station checks and mentoring. There is one problem. You can volunteer, but the same handfull of people seem to get these jobs. WTF?

You bring it up to your team manager, "How do I get those cushy jobs?"

"Oh, just ask me."

"HELLO! What the hell do you think I am doing?" DUH!

For the past three days, it has been the same 3 people walking the floors. One of them I have never met, so I don't have an opinion on (hey, it happens), The second one has been off sick for a few weeks, and I don't think she has taken a call since she has been back. Nice girl, but while we are all working our asses off, doing OT what reward do we get? Dick all, that's what. The third is a man that on the few occasions that I have called and got him on the mentor line has given me the wrong information. So, basically its the blind leading the blind. But hey, he looks good and that's the main thing I guess.

The thing is, they (management) don't realize that they are causing a lot of grumbling on the floor. And when employees aren't happy? Customers don't get good service. They want us to go that extra mile, but with not so much as a nod from them.

So, I am done being suttle. (no really, I can be, don't laugh) I think I will take someone aside and see what I can accomplish on the QT.

Hey, it worked during training didn't it?

Rumours of my death have been greatly exagerated.

Long time no post.

Stop screaming....I am still alive. Just got the internet disconnected. They have this annoying habit of wanting payment. Rotten bastards!

Oh well we should be back up and running on Monday.

Stay tuned.

The Last of the Mohicans

Just walked by the gerbil cage and threw in some food, like I do every night. I started to walk away.....wait a minute?

They didn't move. Bad sign. SHIT! I take off the top and sure enough.....both are dead.


Gumby & Pokey

I guess it was true, that they only live 3 years or so. (these ones lived for 4) The 'boy' may be a little upset. At one point in our gerbil ownership we were up to 23 gerbils (the breeding was very hard to control) and Gumby and Pokey were the last of the lot. Even with the short life span, (or because of it) I recommend them highly as a pet.

His biggest fan.

When my son sits down to play his guitar, Oscar always wants to curl up beside him to listen. He is his biggest fan.

It's a good thing.

If good things come in three's then I should go get myself a lottery ticket.

Not only did I pass my training, but my son found out tonight that he is Captain of his hockey team.

He had a shit eatin' grin on his face the whole way home.

Then again, he has reason to be proud. We didn't even know if he could play this year.

He broke his foot just before the beginning of the season so it was iffy whether he would be able to play at all. Then there weren't enough kids for a team at our rink, so the kids that did sign up had to be split and play for other towns. By the time we knew he could play it was a chore to find him a team to play on. Then there was the other snaffoo, his asshole father wouldn't pay for it.

I know, I know, I can't believe I slept with him either.

My little brother (the hockey freak) thought that that was just wrong, so he paid his registration fee and my other brother bought him new skates. Now my son is Captain of the Thorburn Golden Hawks - Pee Wee B team.

Do I sound proud?

Say "Hello" to Ms ProCSR.

Well Evel passed her training. Everyone in the class did, except for one.

Remember the stick figure that said, "Ya Evel."? That's the one.

Karma, Man, its all about the Karma.

Short Attention Span Theatre 2003

Don't think I have lost my mind because of the look of the place.....it is currently under construction.

You know me....short attention span.

Time well wasted.

I am calm today. Second night of training went a little better than the first.

I mentioned to someone in the smoking area that I was nervous about the class and why. He told his sister (who is a team manager) who told the Manager of Operations. The teacher comes into class and says,

�If you have any concerns, please don�t go to TM or MO, just ask me. If I don�t know the answer I will ask someone.� Excuse me�.but that was my concern. Then a little blonde stick figure child in the corner says, "Ya Evel!" You know the one? Young, rail thin. The bitch that eats like a pig and "can never seem to gain any weight." I sent her a look that would curl your toes.

Next thing ya know, the MO is in the classroom asking if we have any questions. I let him go for a bit answering questions about vacation time and scheduling, then I asked if it would be possible for him to send some people in that have actually worked the job to answer questions. He said, �That�s a great idea.�

Ya think?

So now I am just reading the book and trying to work the tools with the hopes that I can have someone answer all my questions in the end. Sort of like a correspondence course. I have talked to some people on the floor and they said just read the book get comfortable with the look of the tool and what everything does and they will teach me how to work it in a day. Hey, works for me.

So I decide to see if I can create a contract without looking at the book, just going along with the tool seeing if there was some sort of common sense I could apply to the whole thing. Well I got so far and was stuck at one point. Should I ask her?

What the hey.

She says, �Where in the book are you stuck?� I tell her I am not using the book, she says �I don�t know, I have to follow the book.� Okey Dokey!

Towards the end of class we finally start to understand how to work the tool and she says, �Now that you can do that I can tell you that there is a new tool that you will be really using that makes all of that simple.� WTF?

Second day wasted. Lord help me.

And another thing...

The song of the day today will be Pink Floyd -- Wish You Were Here. My son is currently learning the guitar solo.

Those who can't?.....teach.

Well, that was a painful experience. With an entire day of training under my belt, I can safely say I am more confused than before I went in.

Firt of all, the trainer we have has never actually worked in pro. This we discovered after half the shift was over. I clued in after the 4th time she left the room to ask a question.

Basically she was reading the textbook. When I asked her, "So, what does that mean?"

She looked up and said, "Well, I don't know." Doesn't really inspire confidence. I could have read the textbook myself. I need input. Towards the end of the evening I asked another question,

"So, how much of that do we need to remember in order to do our jobs?"

"Well, you don't really need to know any of that, the customers will never ask you, and your tools will tell you anything you need to say or do."

Okey Dokey......what exactly am I doing here then?

She is a really nice person, but I think if you are going to teach the class, you should have at least done the job before. Practical experience would have been an asset. I am really worried now whether I will be able to do this job. I guess I will just have to bug the other ProCSR's for instruction when I hit the floor.

I hope at least the tools are not too different from what I am used to. Otherwise I am screwed.

Give it to Mikey, he hates everything.

Ok, you have no doubt been annoyed with the music on this page. I thought it was cool.....the first half dozen times I opened the page, after that, I too was annoyed, and there wasn�t much control over the music selection. I was at the mercy of the music site I was linked to and the taste of the webmaster. So I decide that instead of getting rid of it all together I would give you (and me, most importantly me) the choice on whether to hear the music or not.

Every few days (or when I think of it) I will change the music. Over on the left you will see Play background music.

Now this music will be from my own personal collection which is not for everyone. I like ALL music, so you could one day listen to Frank Zappa and the next be listening to Andrea Bocelli. My taste in music is in direct connection to the actual talent of the individual or group performing it. It's called appreciation. Even though you many not enjoy opera.....you can appreciate the talent of the performer. Look at it (or hear it rather) objectively. Consider the absolute control a person with operatic training has over their voice. The right tenor singing in Italian can make your toes curl.

When I change the music I will put a link to the performers page, if you like what you hear you can get more info.

For my first selection Ladies and Gentlemen, (that was my Lawrence Welk impression) it will be Stary Stary Night, Josh Groban.

That�s me trying to cram a little culture down your throat. Give it a chance.

Well I am off to take a shower, it is my first day of training for ProCSR, wish me luck.

Told ya so!

A lot has happened in a short time. My mother is now in the hospital, they are going to get her lithium levels straight whether she likes it or not. She should be in there for the next two weeks.

Again I get to say �I told you so.� You would think I would get used to it, but after a while, it gets really old. Why can�t people just get it through their thick skulls that I am always right? I am not exaggerating��.I say it ALL the time.
I am thinking of incorporating the �I told ya so� dance from Will & Grace. Hey, it might be obnoxious but I would be entertained, and isn�t that the main thing? Well isn't it?

I haven�t had the chance to go and see her yet, I have been working a lot of overtime. I tried to go today before work but just before I pulled into the �pay� parking I realized I didn�t have my wallet. I could have gone in but I didn't� have the ransom money to get myself out of the parking lot afterwards. Oh well. My mother has 6 children, she will just have to make do with the other 5.

And another thing...

I was asked to go ProCSR today, and even though I have been asked before, today I said yes. This is a good news/bad news sort of thing.

The good news is, I will be only dealing with professionals. Businesses with professional support contracts with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. People who actually know what right click the mouse means. They already know that they have to pay and how much. They are educated people who do not think that Martians are controling them or that that thing that pops out of the front of the computer is a cup holder.

The bad new is, I will be only dealing with professionals. Businesses with professional support contracts with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. People who actually know what right click the mouse means. They already know that they have to pay and how much. They are educated people who do not think that Martians are controling them or that that thing that pops out of the front of the computer is a cup holder.

This could get boring. For me and for you. There is however a silver lining. I am told I can still do my overtime shifts in Personal customer service. So we can still get our nut bar fix.

Anyway, I start training on Monday. That means an entire week off the phones.(another tic on the plus side.) We�ll see how it goes.