Thursday, December 18, 2003

Now THAT is a tree!

As per usual I have gone completely overboard with the Christmas tree. I would post a picture, but my camera is on loan. I will have to paint a mental picture for you. In my living room I have 10ft ceilings. There is also an alcove about two feet deep and 5ft across. Much like a bay window, only angular. This is where I put my Christmas tree. Usually it takes up about two thirds of the space.

The boy and I decided to get our tree after the hockey game tonight, in which he (of course) got a goal. [Insert motherly pride here](this is also accompanied by a smug look, an unfortunate side effect) We pass by one lot that is closed. WTF? Ten minutes past 7 and they pack it in? So now we have to truck to the other side of town. I say 'truck' but that doesn't paint the right picture. A sane person would have taken a truck, but not I.

We arrive at the site and as we step out, all you can smell is fir tree, (mmmm Christmas) I immediately spy this glorious tree. As I get closer, however, the tree gets bigger. Undaunted, I stand in front of it and I am in love. "How big is this one?" (Please don't be too big.)

"That one is 10 feet." The boy raises an eyebrow and starts to look elsewhere. I am still standing in front of the tree. It was the most beautifully shaped, full, symmetrical, wondrous tree. It was also 50 bucks. That price received a snort from the boy.

"But it's only once a year." I tell him. But in his mind, that is 50 bucks I won't be spending on him. He shakes his head.

"It's not gonna fit."

"I can make it fit." Now he has ruined it for me. "Ok, lets look at some other ones." But as we browse through the Charlie Brown section they all come up wanting. All of them are downright puny next to "THE' tree.

The little devil on my shoulder says, "You want that tree, and aren't you the boss? If you want it, take it, we will cram it into that space if we have to." Then from the left shoulder, "For Christ's sake, that trunk is NOT going to fit in your stand. And why would you need to hack that tree up to make it fit, why not just get a tree that does fit?"

Damn! The voice of reason. I hate that bitch. So, I start looking at tree trunks. Not the trees, just the trunks. I figure, why get my heart set on a tree if the snotty bitch on the left is just going to bitch and moan that it's just not possible.

Then I see it, the perfect size trunk. The boy has seen it too. "Stand that one up, how tall is it?"

"9 feet, but I can cut some off the bottom." Ok, I have 10ft ceilings, cut some off the bottom, allow for the stand. Perfect!

Now you think the bitch on my shoulder would settle for that, but noooooo! The man is dragging it over to the bailer. "Your never going to fit that in the car you know." Shut up bitch! The guy can barely get it through the bailer, says he may not be able to bail it at all.

"If you can't bail it, I can't take it." I say. He tries harder, and with much grunting and groaning and some help from his buddy, it is bailed into a somewhat manageable package.

Then he turns to me, "Where do you want it?" I turn to look over at my car. Did he groan? He did.

I am NOT giving up on this tree, "It will fit."

"No it wont", says the bitch.

"Yes, it will."

After more grunting and groaning and miles of bailers twine the tree is (sort of) in the trunk. I pay him and as he comes back with my change he is also (to my embarassment) carrying an orange flag to tie on the end that is sticking about 6 feet out from behind the car. He looks me square in the eye, "Do not go on the highway."

I get into the car, "See, I told you it would fit." The boy just rolls his eyes.

As we near our destination the bitch is back. "Nice work Einstein, who the hell is going to drag that monstrosity into the house?" FUCK! That would be me. "And did we forget about the cats? They are going to have a great time climbing that redwood."

Fade to 11:45pm. I have just sat down to write this. It has taken me the better part of 5 hours to wrestle the tree from the trunk, up the stairs, through three doorways, around two corner (not easy) until finally the tree is standing. Still in its binding it just kisses the ceiling. A little off the top and Santa will have that tree up his butt and it will be perfect.

As I get to the half way point of cutting away the binding, I hear Chevy Chase's voice in my head. "I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree!" And the fuckin' thing let go! I nearly fell off the chair I was standing on. I was so busy worrying about how tall it was, I never even considered that it would be this wide. It completely fills the space. But Holy Shit! It is beautiful.

Then the cats stroll by. Another half hour to secure it with bailers twine in three places. That sucker is NOT going anywhere. Hell, I could climb it. Of course, now I am too whipped to decorate it. It is just going to have to stay in its natural wonder for a couple days.

I can live with that.

No comments: