Some of the better sources of information.

TechTV | Blaster Worm Runs Rampant
Microsoft TechNet
Trend Micro - Free online virus Scan
Symantec Security Response - W32.Blaster.Worm
W32.Blaster Worm | ITS

Have you beat your hacker today?

This made life a living hell tonight at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

CNN.com - Internet infection spreads rapidly - Aug. 11, 2003

I don�t know where CNN gets its info but a better source is HERE

At one point the techs had 950 people waiting on hold, and we had 450 on hold just to get to customer service. If you get kicked off the internet and a message appears about �nt authority\system� �remote procedure call� and keeps rebooting your system. Well that means you are hit.

The good news is it is most likely not infecting your system but rather the server of your ISP. Therefore if you disconnect physically from the internet you can use your computer. The bad news is there isn�t a fix yet. The virus seems to be mutating, so when they think they have it licked it changes.

Short term solution - lay off the porn for a night or two until there is a permanent fix (you might try going outside, you know, the place with the trees?). Long term - find a hacker and beat the shit out of him.

If we all pitch in, we can lick this thing. It takes a village.

UPDATE: For all you loyal followers.

Here is the patch for the aforementioned virus. It is only for XP.

Pick #1 and open it.

Movie night.

The kid and I went to the drive-in tonight. The Undisclosed Customer Service Center� rented it out for the employees. Was I ever glad to see this.

  


I remember years ago the ex and I were at the drive-in (stoned) staring at the intermission movie. He looks at it an awe and says, �Now that is one talented hotdog.�

That was the first time I ever spewed pop from my nose. I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants.

Ah, the good ol� days.

The freaks come out at night.

So, a bunch of us were sitting around the smoking area at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� , laughing at callers, shootin� the shit. There were a couple of tech guys there and one was asking me what type of questions I asked callers and how exactly we determined who got through to them.

This other spaz pipes up, raises his index finger into the air, and with what sounded like the fakest pompus accent said, �I usually refer to Ferengi rules of acquisition, I believe it�s number 17�� Then he fucking quotes it! This freak was dead serious.

The whole place went silent. You could hear the crickets chirping. Talk about stunned silence.

Yesterday, when I was young.

Was reminded of a funny thing that happened to me during my wild and crazy party days.

I was at a party, drinking and smoking, when this guy walked up to me with a shit-eatin� grin on his face and whipped out his �little soldier�.

I didn�t even bat an eyelash. I leaned over like I was trying to see what it was.

I straightened up and said in a sympathetic voice. �Birth defect or war wound?�

God, I miss the old days.

The Nova Scotia Tattoo

My sister and my friend Kimmy are both on me about getting a tattoo.

I had said to Kimmy at one time that we should get one before we are 40. My sister (ever since she got the Harley) wants to get one too. So I guess that would technically mean I have to get 2 of them.

I have narrowed it down to these:



What do you think?

One sec, and I�ll transfer you to H-O-O-K

I got a real winner tonight. Usually not too much fazes me but this guy made my blood boil.

�Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Evel, may I have your name please?�

Right off the bat this guy had attitude.

�Yes (gave me no name) transfer me to tech support.�

After telling him that I had to get his information first he grudgingly told me that his product was OEM. So I told him that either he called his OEM or he would have to pay $35 to talk to someone here, he lost his mind.

�You guys are ripping off the public, selling products that are faulty and then making us pay to get it fixed. So, what you are saying is that you are not going to help me unless I fork over the money, � (this is the part I liked)���.you are useless�.

Me personally? I am useless? I could feel my body move without me conciously doing it. It was like I was magneticaly drawn to the HOOK button. I leaned over and pressed it.

Happy trails, asshole.



And Another thing�.

This lady needed to take a long jump off a short cliff.

�Just transfer me, I�ve been dicked arround since this morning by OEM.� And this is my fault?

I ignore her ignorant outburst and try to get some info from her.

�Why are you asking me all these questions? You are obviously not the person I need to speak to, transfer me.�

Before I could stop it from coming out of me��.�Did you want me to just PICK a number?�

�No.�

�Well then, I will need some more information in order to transfer you to the proper technical support.�

I often wonder if these people are this rude to people on the street. If they are, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that they probably get the snot beat out of them on a daily basis.

We have tech support all over the world and I contemplated sending her to a non-English speaking country and see how she liked that. Somewhere where they haven�t figured out that you can actually use vowels in proper names, but I didn�t.

What I did do, is �accidentally� hit HOOK instead of transfer.

Oops, my bad.

A cure for what ails ya.

Went to a wedding today and of course after 30 days of dry hot weather it poured during the whole ceremony. Did I mention it was an outdoor wedding?

I was video taping for the mother of the bride. I had told her I would need the camcorder about a week before the wedding to familiarize myself with it. I also told her I wanted to attend the rehearsal so I would know where everyone was going to come from and stand so I could position myself properly. No, I don�t do it professionally but I am totally anal about stuff like that, if I am going to do something it has to be well done. Which is why now more people ask me to do it for them. Well after this one, I doubt anyone will give me a second thought. Last night my son messages me at work .

�Aunt Adele is dropping off the camera tonight, the wedding is tomorrow at 3.�

WHAT? Fuck me gently. I could have killed my sister.

The wedding was fine, but a lot of the video was interrupted by people walking in front of me. Fuck, people are stunned sometimes. I had one guy walk over and stand right in front of me. WTF? It was disorganized but I think it can be edited. I almost left without getting one shot of the string quartet that was playing.

But I didn�t leave that place without a shot of this:


(For those who don't know......thats a freakin' Ferrari!)

Hey, I have my priorities straight.

So, we skipped out before the dance (but not before stuffing our faces) and went home. I, of course, sat down to my ritual of painting my nails. I was feeling a little goofy at the time.




When your in a bad mood, googly eyes always cheer you up.

Before you call, make sure you are wearing the tinfoil hat

This is going to make my life a living hell tonight. Note the quote from FBI spokesman Bill Murray. I think he might have it in for Bill.

CNN.com - Experts anxious over possible Net attack - Jul. 31, 2003

My Day Off To-Do List

Spent my day off fixing the BBQ and my son�s bike, cleaning the house and painting my nails.

The BBQ was a nightmare. I had to replace the burner in it, and considering that it is over 5 years old, you can imagine how hard it was to take it apart. There was a lot of grunting and groaning going on, and not in a good way. I finally had to resort to brute force and got out the bolt cutters. (yes, I have bolt cutters URGH URGH URGH)

It was probably the most grunting and groaning the neighbors have heard from my house since I moved here. Years ago I used to be all about that, along with drinking and partying, but I just don�t have the bone structure for it anymore. Finally, success. Fired 'er up and slapped on a $10 T-Bone, some roasted potatoes and fresh baked rolls. MMMMMM getting hungry just from the memory.


After I beat the BBQ into submission, I tackled the bike. Who knew that changing a tube would cause so much drama. I quit a couple of times after I found my self cursing at this inanimate object like it was putting up a fight or something. I almost grounded it at one point. I had to walk away. I was so mad at one point I was actually driven to start cleaning my room. If you knew me you would be concerned for my mental health. I snapped out of it so don�t worry. Around midnight I decided to harass all the people that don�t have Wednesday�s off at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� which reminds me. I have to tell you about the winner of the �Dumb As A Post� award from last night.

Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. My name is blah blah blah.

After explaining to this crayon that his Product Y (which he had installed in the computer but didn�t have the physical copy of) was obsolete he proceeded to tell me that I should send him another copy for free.

�Sure, no problem, why don�t I send you a new computer while I�m at it?� I really thought he was kidding.

�You don�t have to get snotty with me, You say the product is obsolete and you don�t sell it anymore, I want you to send me one of the hundred thousand copies you got laying around in your desk.�

Shit, he�s serious. �Sorry sir, we really don�t have any copies of Product Y.� We are a call center you idiot. We don�t work out of the wharehouse.

�I know you have it�.let me speak to your supervisor...NO, I want to speak to the man in charge. Put me through to Bill.� People think we all sit at Bill�s house and take calls. More than one person has asked to speak to Bill. Oh ya, we are just chillin� at Bill�s. Between calls we clean the pool.

�I can�t do that sir, you can talk to my supervisor.�

�I don�t want to talk to the supervisor, I want to know why this product is obsolete, how can it be, I still use it?�

I explain the lifecycle of software.

�That�s crazy, if it still works how can it be obsolete?�

�Well sir, just because, theoretically, you could use a rotary phone, good luck finding one for sale in a store.�

�This conversation is going nowhere. Just send me the God damned copy.� He is screaming.

�Ok sir, what is your email address?� �There, I�ll hit send.�

He is screaming incoherently.

--CLICK--

I love my job

Lord Stanley's Cup

My son went to see the Stanley Cup today. He and his BigBrother. I can't say much for their photography skills as you can see by the pictures of the back of Colin White's head.





They were so hokey that they took pictures of the license plate of Colin White's car as they followed him to the event.You might be a redneck.



I think the Stanley Cup has been here 4 times. So, for most people, it's getting old.

Time well wasted.

Listen up people!

Since I started tracking search keywords for this site, (in fact this was the very first one) Google Search: starchoice hack the combination of starchoice and hack have been used 375 times. Those two words are the top hit getters.

For anyone who reaches this site now after searching for starchoice hack, let me just clear it up. There is no way on God's green earth to hack starchoice. Give it up. It's just not doable.

There, that should get me a couple hundred more hits.

Just Shoot Me.

Haven�t blogged for a while cuz I am just that pissed off. I am so far in debt that it isn�t even funny. I get paid on Thursday and by Saturday I am broke. Those 4 months that I was off work screwed me. Just trying to catch up.

And to make matters worse, my dish is down. So now I am forced to watch BB4 live feeds and nothing else. I so wish that I could see it tonight, just to see the look on the Three Stooge�s faces when they see that they really are stooges to think they were the �Dream Team�. Hopefully the dish will be back up by Monday, I was actually forced to read yesterday. Can you imagine? I never realized how much tv I actually watched till it was gone.

Things at work are going well. I actually had a woman scream at me because I was trying to talk her out of paying $35 to have a tech show her how to set up a template to print avery labels. I kept asking her to read the instructions that came with it, she wouldn't even look inside the package. The instructions in those things are so simple, a brain dead monkey could do it.

�ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU WONT PUT ME THROUGH TO TECH SUPPORT?�

What I wanted to say. Look idiot. If you just take the fucking stick out of your ass for a second and listen I am trying to save you from paying $35 and most likely being ridiculed by the techs for having shit for brains.

What I said. �Ok, Dorothy, What credit card would you like to use today?�

She was freaking. So I guess she had more money than brains. So I put her through. I only hope that in the end she realizes that she just paid to have someone show her something a child could do.

RTFMS! Read The Fuckin� Manual Stupid. Words to live by.

More memories.

My brother sent me some more pictures he developed from a bunch of old negatives I sent him.

This is from a highschool prom. Although I don't think Kim and I were even in highschool. But our dates were. I can't believe I was ever this young.


Doug, Kim, Me, Rabbit

I remember that prom. We got to the school and Rabbit went to the bathroom and downed a quart of rum. I never saw him all night. I got one of my friends to get him out of the bathroom and into the back of the car. We went to a restaurant and then to a party at the beach. He never regained consciousness that night. But I had a ball. Every so often I would send someone to go and check if he was still breathing. Hey, I wasn�t totally heartless. I made sure the liquor pig survived the night And I deposited him on his doorstep at dawn the next morning. His mother was real impressed. We could have kept him with us until he sobered up but we figured this would be much funnier. Oh and we were nice enough to remove his nice new suit. You know, in case it got wrinkled.


This is even farther back. My father and I tending the chickens. That's me, with a bottle of Pepsi and my finger up my nose.

Help has arrived.

A new show for all the geek fashion victims. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Finally a show that's time has come.

It�s a small world.

Another day off, another chance to change the fingernails.

I really need to get a life.

Just in case you are interested, these are flags from different countries. There are no real personal preferences, they were just chosen for the ease factor.

This one was hard.

I just noticed that my blog hits have just gone over 10,000. Too bad that most of that is just me hitting the site to check to see if I have any comments. (and most of the time I am disappointed)

And another thing...

Just wanted to record one of the calls I got the other night. This one almost made me cry. It was 42 minutes long.

�Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�my name is ...blah blah blah.�

Ok, this guy calls up, very upset. He has spent all day going back and forth from the store to home with his brand new computer. Every time he tries to install something, the key doesn�t work and he has to take it back to the store. He is very frustrated at this point (and so is the store for that matter) finally he decides to call me.

Ok, sir I can generate a key for you. He tells me it is Product A. He gives me the key that he is trying to use. We try 3 different keys. Nothing worked.

�Can you read to me everything on the disk, maybe we aren�t trying the right version.� Not only is it the wrong version, but the wrong product. Its Product B.

Three more keys later, and I am at my wits end. �I can�t understand this, sir, when it is asking for the key. Read to me everything it says on the screen. �

�Invalid product key�

�That�s all it says?�

�Well no, it says Thank you for purchasing Product C, please enter valid product key.� (not product A or B, but C)

At this point I wanted to scream. One minute later he had a key for the right product and he was on his way. They don�t pay me enough I don�t think.

NOTE: If you are going to spend more than a thousand dollars for something, please throw in an extra 50 bucks and take a beginners computer course.

Society (and I) will thank you for it.

Just another Saturday?

Last night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� was very slow, due to the holiday in the States. I took about 15 calls all night long. Usually this means that we can put in for early release. But our sister site in the States was off for the holiday so we had to remain open. Sucks to be us.

Today, however, is my day off. I figured it would be uneventful since my son is gone with his BigBrother. So I settle on the Chesterfield for a relaxing day of watching tv.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?

This is the view from my window.




Let�s get a little closer shall we?






So, all in all, a great way to spend a day off.

I got more time than brains.

The only way for me to grow my nails is to paint them. If I don't, I bite them. I grew very bored, very quickly with the whole pink and red thing. So I began doing designs on them.

Here's the problem. I work with a lot more people than I used to and people are noticing the nails, so now I think they are beginning to expect it. Only problem is I am running out of ideas.

This one is for the Fourth of July.



I am not even sure if you can really see this that well (I suck at taking pictures).

I wish I could figure out what setting to push on this fucking digital camera so I can take decent pictures up close but for some reason they are all grainy. I will figure something out and post the pictures on here. Here are some of the designs I have tried.

- every nail a different (crayola) color with eyeballs glued to them. (the kind that move, always a crowd pleaser)
- jewels and stickers of every shape and form.
- stripes (in every direction and of every size)
- gold and silver leaf
- gold and silver beads
- charms
- stars and stripes (see above)
- stripes and jewels (I got bored)
- every crazy combination of french manicure (ie: black with silver tips)

If anyone has a suggestion for anthing else, please let me know. Bear in mind that I can't draw to save my life.

Oh, here is one more pic that I found.

Clean the shit out of your ears!

"Welcome to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, may I have your name please?"

�Blah Blah Blah�

�I�m sorry, I didn�t catch that?�

�BLAH BLAH BLAH!�

(Is this guy for real? This is all I need, a fucking prank caller.)

Irritated now�..�Could you spell that for me?�

B-O-B - L-E B-L-A-N-C, just like it sounds, Blah Blah Blah!

In honor of Canada Day, I post this link



And you can have a look at the original Molson Canadian Commercial here.

Just a little history for all you Yanks out there.

Canada Day marks the unification of four British colonies on July 1, 1867. A single piece of legislation, known as the British North America (BNA) Act, joined the present-day provinces of Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia together as one nation.

The BNA Act proclaimed "one Dominion under the name of Canada," which is why the original name of our national holiday was called "Dominion Day."

Since confederation, six more provinces and three territories were joined under the Act. In 1982, the Act was amended to include the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, and to augment Canada's status from a simple 'dominion' of the British realm to that of a fully autonomous nation within its own right.

The Act was then renamed the Constitution Act, and Dominion Day was renamed Canada Day.

The first Dominion/Canada Day was celebrated publicly at Queen's Park in Toronto on July 1, 1875. Canada Day is always observed on July 1, unless that date falls on a Sunday, in which case it is observed the following day.

I will be working at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. The good news is, its double time and a half. WOO HOO!

Happy Canada Day!

Ok, what the fuck happened to bloglinker? Anyone know?

OK, Last time people.

If you are stealing software from Bill, he will not pay some tech people to sit around and wait for you to call in and request free tech support for the software that you just stole from him. Hello? Are you hearing me?

Yes, he has a lot of money. So what? He has a lot of money because he doesn't go around giving shit away. Its called free enterprise. And just becasue he has lots of money doesn't mean he has to give it to you.

Personally I really don't give a shit if you steal the software but wrap your fucking head around the fact that it is stolen and stop fucking calling me and getting up in my face because you can't get your stolen software to fucking work.

If I stole your VCR I would not be so thick as to call you up and expect you to tell me how to work the fucking remote.

Thank you for calling the fucking Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, You have a fucking nice day!

Ok, end of rant.

OH HAPPY DAY!

Today I recieved my wheel lights. I bought them on eBay. They are the second set I bought, the first ones were pretty flimsy and they blinked. Day and night. These ones are a step up. They stay on solid and only at night.

picture these spinning


Do I every look dorky cool driving around with them.


And another thing...

Stolen directly from aka.cooties, this link will get your juices flowing. It's payback time. I encourage everyone to take advantage of their services. They being FriedSpam. They have a wonderful welcome which is, and I quote:

"So you've just received a junk email encouraging you to visit a website for some irresistible pornography or to consolidate your debts! Well, it's time to oblige the people who fill your mailbox with spam. Let FriedSPAM visit their sites for you -- about a million times! After all, you are only doing what the spammers are asking you to do. Just enter the URLs of the websites that the spammers want you to visit, and hit START. After that, FriedSPAM will do the visiting for you, as many times as you want. Let FriedSPAM visit while you sleep! That's what the spammers want, isn't it? After all, why else would they stuff your mailbox with such tempting invitations?"

Visit them often.

All quiet on the western front.

Sundays are pretty damn slow at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and usually I sign up for �go home early�.

Here�s how it works, you put your name on a list and if they feel that the call volume is low, they get a call from on high that they can send some people home. Now the people on the list are not sent home first come first served. There are two shifts, 10-6 and 11-7. No matter where on the list the 10-6�s are they go first. This month I am unfortunately on 11-7, so guess what, I didn�t get home early.

Call volume on Sundays are, as I said, very low. I think I took about 20 calls all day, where on a normal shift it would be between 50 and 60. And unfortunately the people who call on a Sunday are (how to put it delicately?) dumb as posts. It�s mindnumbingly dull to sit with nothing to do for 10 or 15 minutes, add to that a call from some crayon who can�t even tell you what version of Window�s he is running on his system. How do you not know this? I decided to make a list today (since I was pretty much twiddling my thumbs all fucking day) of just what some people DO NOT know.

The Undisclosed Customer Service Center� Presents�..

DUH...I DON�t KNOW�and other such lame answers.

Q:What version of windows are you running? (you see it every fucking time you start your computer.)
A: I don�t know. I think its version 8.

Q:May I have your phone number?
A:Just a sec�..(long silence) Mom, whats the phone number?

Q:What time zone are you in Bubba?
A:It�s five o�clock.(how do you NOT know what time zone you are in?)

Q:Do you have a �My Computer� icon on your desktop?
A:Your computer? (Yes idiot, reach through the phone and click on my computer)

Q:May I ask who the manufacturer of your computer is?
A:Intel?

Q:Can I get you to �right� click on that? (two buttons on the mouse, jeez)
A:Should I use a marker?

Q:How did you obtain this software?
A:I downloaded it from the internet.

Q:Is that written in black marker?
A:Ya, and I smudged the product key, can you give me another. (NO, YOU FUCKING CRAYON! I CAN NOT GIVE YOU ANOTHER!)

Q:Do you want to add an email address to this case?
A:Ya, 123 West Fifty third street, apartment 3a�..
ME:No sir, an email address.
CRAYON: Oh, no I�m not comfortable giving my email address out. (Oh, you can tell me which window to climb through so I can blow your fucking brains out while you sleep, but you won�t part with the email address?)

Q:Is your number lock key on?
A:What�s that?

Q:Ok, sir, can you right click on my computer?
A:No I�m calling you from a phone booth.

Then I answer the phone and immediately get a baby screaming in my ear. And this guy procedes to get upset with me because I can�t hear what he is saying.

PLEASE PEOPLE! PUT THE FUCKING SCREAMING KID DOWN BEFORE YOU CALL!

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� you have a nice day.

New Addition

There is a new addition to my brother's family.

Everyone, meet Wally.



Look at that face, ya gotta love him.

Car insurance? Not really.

It used to be that you got car insurance for just that, insurance. Insurance against theft or damage.

But today it is a whole other kettle of fish. Nowadays you get insurance because it�s the law and if you want to be �legal� you have to pay. And pay you do, every year you pay more and more. No one ever (if they are smart) makes a claim on their insurance. Sure, the insurance company will pay but eventually you end up paying through the nose with skyrocketed premiums. It is cheaper to pay for the damage to your car than put in a claim. And they say insurance companies aren�t corrupt. (who the fuck are �they� anyway)

Home owners insurance isn�t any better, make more than one claim on your policy and they can (and do) cut you off. Oh, and good luck finding another insurance carrier, once you are dropped by one you are pretty much blackballed.

Finally the politicians are starting to make some waves. The Premiers are meeting this month to discuss putting a cap on insurance premiums. The New Brunswick premier went so far as to say that if they couldn't get the insurance companies to agree to be regulated that they ought to think about starting their own province run insurance plan.

It makes sense, if you are going to have a law that says we have to have car insurance then the government should, at the very least, be regulating the industry.

No need to fear the reaper.

You all will be relieved to know that I do not have to kill myself.

Ok, I will explain. Thursday night I asked my son to tape the Amazing Race for me. I left for work, secure in the knowledge that my 12 year old was, like any other pre-teen, completely competent when it comes to electronics. I returned home and retrieved the tape from the machine, and since I couldn�t watch it till the morning I went to bed.

I wake up about noonish and insert the tape in the vcr. That�s when my blood ran cold. It was completely blank. I had two options, quit my job or kill myself. Luckily I decided to sleep on it, and promptly forgot about it. That was until tonight. I was surfing through the channels on the old satellite dish and stumbled upon Outdoor Life Network. The planets must have been aligned just right, because I usually have that channel blocked out (usually sports of some kind�.YUCK!) but tonight I hit the wrong button and there it was the Amazing Race. What luck on my night off!

So, I guess I can live to blog another day.

This looks like fun.

The website fulifier


"The Fulifier fulifies a site, which means turning it around three thousand times uglier than it was before, making it look something like all the sites around 1998 made by lame ten year old script kiddie who wanted to prove they knew some HTML, liked colors, and knew how to use gif-animations from some clipart archive.

It puts in loads of colors, fonts and other ugly annoying elements. Even a complete idiot can use it. Just type in the address below.

If you were wondering, "Ful" is a Swedish word meaning "Ugly"

Since there's lots of random in it, you can hit reload while watching a page and the fulifier is randomizing another style to use."

Give it a try on your site.

Deep philosophical debate.

If you were to steal a car, would you expect the dealership to honor the warranty?

Try to post that question to a crayon that is stealing software.

My claim to fame....sort of.

Finally, something I am truly good at. And the best part is I beat the ass off Laurie.


How much of a pottymouth are you?

Blast from the past.

My brother found some old negatives from way, way, way back. This is a picture of me, I would say I might be 11 or 12 in this photo. What is really bugging me, is that I have no idea who the other kid is.

There�s one born every minute.

Everyone can relate to the irate customer who, upon hearing he has to pay $35 for tech support, loses his mind. However, there is a flip side to this phenomenon. The Undisclosed Customer Service Center� proudly presents...

"What People Will PAY $35 For"

How to create a shortcut on the desktop

Renaming a folder

Unlocking their toolbar

Changing fonts on their desktop (I had one guy who, somehow, enlarged fonts by 200% and couldn�t get it changed back)

How to use screensavers

Attaching a file to email

How to get into windows from a black screen (c:\windows\)

Changing wallpaper

Saving a .doc file as a .txt file

Clearing the history in their browser

Changing screen resolution

Installing software�..any software. (they won�t even try)

Saving pictures off the internet (Ah, right click and save as. They still want to talk to tech, �it can�t be that easy�. Oh but it is.)

Finding a file on their own computer (a woman had a picture of her son, somewhere on the hd and needed help finding it)

Someone was getting the error during boot up �non system disk error�. I could NOT get him to eject the disk from the A drive. He wanted to speak to a �trained� professional.

One guy had retail software (free support) but he didn�t want the free support. He wanted to talk to a �real� tech. I guess he figured that the free support consisted of some guy with a blindfold and a dart board.

With all these people, I tried (and failed) to get them to go to our no charge self help page. They would have none of it. Some people really do have more money than brains.

They grow 'em thick south of our border.

I spent 10 minutes last night trying to convince some nut bar not to delete files from the operating system directory.

She didn�t have a problem with her computer, she just wanted to free up some disk space and since the computers operating system was taking up a lot of space, she figured she would start there. Then she thought that since there were so many programs in that directory that some of them must be viruses.

I won�t even post the actual conversation I had with this crayon, but she has an antivirus program and she wasn�t having any problem with her computer and she wanted to pay to speak to someone in tech support. She had me speechless at one point. I had no idea why she was calling me.

Finally I said, �Donna, if it ain�t broke, don�t fix it.�

NO CHAWGE! -- click--

Then I get this guy who was actually having a serious problem.

�As a customer service representative, Arthur, I will be working with you to see how the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� can best assist you. May I have your phone number starting with the area code please?�

�Why?�

�We just use the phone number to distinguish you from the thousands of other Arthurs who call us.�

�I�m not sure I want to give you my number.�

�Well, Arthur, if I don�t get your information, I can�t send you through to tech. I can assure you we do not give your number to anyone, nor will we call you for any reason after your issue is resolved.�

Silence

�What is your concern about giving me the number?�

�Privacy.�

�I don�t understand. If you give me your name, wouldn�t I be able to just look up the number in the phone book?�

�Not if I don�t give you my name.�

�Well if you refuse to give me any information, I can�t help you. However, I have call display, so I already know your name.�

--Click-- (we don�t, but I thought I would say so just to freak him out and it worked)

No worries, he will have to call back. He has to activate that software within 30 days or it will stop working and then he will have to give his info, Maybe he is in the witness protection program. That�s a scary thought, some prosecutor is pinning his hopes on this crayon.

How Cool is this!

I have been taken out of context.

Come on and take a free ride.

�� I just have to verify your support before I can put you through. Can I have your product ID?�

�I can�t get on the computer.�

�Ok, do you have your installation cd�s?�

�No, I got the computer as a gift, and I didn�t get any cd�s with it.�

�Well, I can put you through on our pay per incident line�.�

At this point she loses her mind

�Why should I have to pay? This computer was working fine yesterday.�

�Is it working now?�

�No.�

�Well, Dorothy, if I can�t verify that you have a retail copy of Product X, then I can�t put you through for free support.�

�Why not?� What does she mean �why not�? What does this chick want for nothing?

�Well I have no way of knowing how you obtained that software.�

�I told you, it was a gift. The person who gave me the computer didn�t give me any cd�s and he has left the state.�

�And you can�t get a hold of him?�

�No.� Ya right, this guy drops $2000 worth of computer equipment in your lap and you repay him by never speaking to him ever again.

�Well, Dorothy, without the installation cd�s or access to your computer I cannot verify your eligibility for support. I can send you through on our pay per incident line and if they can gain access to your computer and verify that it is retail you will be refunded the fee.�

You can hear in her voice that she is losing it. �I don�t understand why I should have to pay for anything. It was working fine yesterday. I don�t have money to throw away, I am on a fixed income. This is ridiculous. Can�t you just send me the cd�s.�

�No, Dorothy, I can�t. I have no way of knowing how you or your friend obtained the software. I just can�t send you free software.�

�But I am telling you how.� She just ain�t getting it. For all I know her �friend� had pirated software and just loaded it all on her computer before he jumped bail.

�So, what do I do now?�

�I would suggest if you don�t want to go through on the pay per incident that you go out and purchase retail copies of the software, at which time you would have installation cd�s and support here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.�

She is screaming now. �Why do you keep trying to make me pay? You keep trying to shove software down my throat. You are very mean, what is your name? You have a very bad attitude. I think you should be fired for not having a little compasion. Why do you keep telling me to pay. I don�t see why I should have to pay for software I already have on my computer. Why do you keep telling me to pay?� She gets the computer and software for free and she is griping about $35 to fix it.

�You keep asking me what I would suggest you do Dorothy, I am only stating your options here at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, I assure you I have nothing against you, I am just doing my job.�

�Your job sucks�

--CLICK--

Sometimes, I agree.

The patients are running the asylum.

We were asked to voice the number one concern of the customers phoning the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and also the number one concern we had personally.

Well number one with the customers has to bethe fact that when they buy a computer with Product X preinstalled they do not get support from the makers of Product X. They are �supposed� to get the support from the makers of their computer. I say supposed to because they don�t.

Either they set some ridiculous deadline for warranty (like 30 days) or their techs are such morons that they can�t help them. Apparently their training involves memorizing the speech �insert recovery disk�. So basically they can restore factory settings and that is the full extent of their technical training. Oh, and they know how to use the phone because they promise tech support and transfer them directly to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and we have to inform them that in order to get support from us, they have to pay.

And do they get angry with the makers of their computer, the asshole that sold them their piece of junk? NOOOOO, they think it is an Undisclosed Software Company� money grab conspiracy. Even when we get them to read what it says on their software �for support contact the manufacturer of your pc� they still call us bitches and con artists. Hey asshole, when I spend a couple of grand on something, I research it, I read the instructions. I read the licensing agreement. It is not my fault you are a moron. Go slap your mother.

The second thing they asked is what was our number one concern at our work place. My answer. Cubical/headset Nazis. There are literally hundreds of people working at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, and there are NOT hundreds of cubicles. You show up, and if a seat is free, you take it.

Seems simple enough, right? Wrong! You sit down and are accosted with sticky notes. DO NOT REMOVE HEADSET. DO NOT MOVE MONITOR. DO NOT REMOVE CHAIR. DO NOT CHANGE PHONE SETTINGS. BLAH BLAH FUCKIN� BLAH!

Look asshole, you show me the fuckin� receipt for this cubicle and its entire contents and I will gladly do whatever you say. News Flash! You are not the only person sitting here in a 24 hour period, get over yourself.

One guy last night had �his� headset go missing and you would think that a child had been abducted, this grown man completely lost his mind. There was a full out company wide search for the headset. They called in the search and rescue and the dogs were sniffing every crotch in the place. The guy went around searching every desk, slamming drawers and cursing. He sent out an mass email requesting the return an threatening legal action to the culprit. Quite the example he was setting for the rest of us, seeing as how he was a manager and all. It was all quite laughable, and of course, fodder for the blog.

They grow �em weird in the south.

I have to tell you that the few customers I have written about on this blog are most definitely the more saner ones. I have not had an actual crazy person myself yet but discussions around the �water cooler� can make you snort. I will paraphrase a few for you here.

One woman said her computer turned off and that she had read in the Enquirer that the martians could do that. You know, black out your computer. She was dead serious.

A man wanted to know why the Undisclosed Computer Software Company� was sending him popups on how to extend his peinis size. He was convinced that it was us that was doing it and he wanted to know where we got our information because he had told no one about his conserns about his small penis.

Another woman said that the Undisclosed Computer Software Company � was sending rocks through the internet. She could hear them in her cdrom drive but when she opened the drive, the evidence would mysteriously disappear. She wanted us to please stop at once.

A man from (we are assuming) the deep south was convinced that the FBI was hacking into his computer because he wrote a Roswellesk type newsletter. He said he needed to speak to �the boss� immediately to warn him because he felt that he would be targeted next.

The most halarious part of all these stories is that they all had retail versions of the software and had to be put through (for free) to tech support. Those guys do not make enough money.

Whadda ya want for nuttin�?

�Ya, I want to talk to a tech about this software, and I ain�t paying no bullshit charge either.�

�Ok, Sir, can you read to me everything it says on the installation disk?�

�For distribution with a new pc only, for product support contact the manufacturer of your computer.�

�Ok, and who is the manufacturer of your pc?�

�I built it myself.�

�So, how did you obtain that copy of the software?�

�The Buddy at the store sold me a broken hard drive and the software for 30 bucks and I sold the hard drive back to him for 3 bucks.�

�And now you are looking for free support?�

--CLICK--

I kid you not!

This is an actual call I took last night.

�Ya, I read in the Unmentionable PC Magazine� that Service pack 1 slows down your machine, and I was to call you to get a free patch for that.�

I get ready to direct him to the support article and he cuts me off.

�Here�s the thing. I don�t have service pack 1, where do I get it. I want to download it so I can then call you back to get the free patch.�

This guy needs to get a life. He wants to download a product that he believes to be defective, just to get something free. Ok, Moron. I direct him to the site for the service pack and the article that talks him through the patch process. Then I thank him for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.


---CLICK---

Little does he know, that all the free �patch� does, is uninstall the service pack. But Hey, he obviously doesn�t have anything better to do.

What ever happened to the good ol� days of illiteracy?

People need to stop reading. Print, that is. This is the computer age for Christ�s sake! And if you insist on reading things you don�t understand, stop calling me.

�Ya, I read this article in an Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� that said Service Pack 1 will slow down my computer and I want the patch.�

�The patch sir?� (Service pack 1 is a compilation of patches and hotfixes to the program. It is, in itself, a patch of sorts)

�Ya, I want it.�

�When did you install Service Pack 1?�

�A couple months ago.�

�And when did you read this article?�

I quickly bring up the article (not his, but ours) concerning this issue.

You may experience slower computer performance after you install the 811493 security update package on a computer that is running Product X Service Pack 1 (SP1), or after you upgrade to SP1 on a Product X-based computer on which the 811493 security update was previously installed. This problem may be more likely to occur if you use some features of some third-party programs, such as antivirus programs. For example, this problem may occur if your antivirus program is configured to scan all files when you open (or you run) them. This is sometimes called "real-time" scanning.

�Yesterday.�

�And you are just noticing the slow down now.�

�No, everything seems to be working fine, but Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� told me I needed the patch. Can I have it please? It says right in the article to call this number to request a patch for free.� (If they told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that? Well would you? Please.)

(Ok, if this moron insists on reading)

�Sir I would like to direct you to our support page, where you will find an article that will answer all your questions (if you weren�t such a crayon) as well as step-by-step instructions on how to solve your problem.�

�I don�t have a problem, I just want the patch. The article says you have to give it to me.�

�First of all sir, the Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� is in no way affiliated with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. What we can do is direct you to the articles at our own site to correct your problem.�

�I said there is no problem.�

�Well sir, the sole purpose of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� is to reslove problems with your Product X, if you have no problem then I can�t help you.�

�I�m not running Product X.� (and that in a nut shell is his whole problem, he downloaded a service pack for a product that he didn�t even have. Welcome to my world.)

�Well, Sir, the slowdown is only with Product X�
--CLICK-- He probably hung up to call his congressman. (ya, that�s it)

I think the first problem that this guy is having is that he is reading a magazine that should really come with a disclaimer.

---�If your mother and father were brother and sister, please do not read this magazine.---
---May contain words with more than one syllable.�---

You just can't make this shit up.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel. How can I help you.

�Ya, I need help installing your stupid Product X software. I have been trying for hours, what kind of a stupid product is this, nothing is working. Put me through to a technician or I swear I will get rid of all this shit and buy a XYZ computer.�

�Ok, sir, lets see what we can do. Do you have the installation cd?�

�Yes.�

�Can you read to me everything it says on that cd?�

�It just says Product X.�

�Is that all?� (I am trying to determine if this crayon has support. Wether he has a retail version or OEM?)

�Yes�

�It doesn�t� say anything else?�

�Nope, just Product X, and a really long number.�

�Sir, is it written in black marker?�

�Ya.�

I wait a beat till his brain catches up to him. (ok, two beats).

--CLICK--

Happy Mother�s Day Yawl!

Mother�s day at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� started out uneventful.

It was pretty slow since all the halfwits were apparently busy dropping off the weed whackers that they bought their dear old mom�s for Mother�s Day, we pretty much sat around doing next to nothing.

Not as enjoyable as you might think. I found myself trying to chat up the few people that did call, just to alleviate the boredom.

I even had an argument with one guy who insisted that I could not possibly be in the Canada, since he did not call Canada. And, furthermore, if it was indeed true he was "madder 'en hell" for being �tricked� into calling long distance for support.

I tried to explain to him that his call was routed through Seattle, but since he was not sharp enough to change his own fonts, without coughing up $35 for tech support, it was useless to try and get him to grasp telephone routing procedures. After assuring him that if he was to incur (believe me I did not use that word) long distance charges they would be totally refunded, he replied, �Damn straight, I will. Not falling for some sneaky C�nadien.�

Okey Dokey! Yup, us sneaky C�nadiens, we control the long distance y�know. It�s all a big conspiracy. Trick the Yanks into calling us and trap �em, take their guns and sell them whale blubber.

Like we would bother to trick these crayons. It�s too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel.

�Y�all come back naw, y�heer!�

Halarious Sad, but true.

This is quite possibly the funniest site I have been to in a long time. It will be listed posthaste on my link bar.

Just a taste:

She keeps making me carry tampons around - 'Here, have these, just in case.'
'Oooooooh, why can't you carry them?'
'I've got no pockets.'
Then, of course, I forget about them. And the next time I'm meeting The Duchess of Kent or someone I pull a handkerchief out of my pocket and shower feminine hygiene products everywhere.

You must read it to believe it.

New policy at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

The management in their infinite wisdom have decided that we should warm transfer all customers. Warm transfer means that we actually call the new number, introduce the two parties and then hang up.

This is a really bad idea. Especially for OEM. If any of you have ever tried to call Dell or Compaq or any other computer manufacturer you are no doubt aware that their telephone menu systems are complete nightmares. To top it all off, I can�t work the phone worth shit.

Computers are no problem to me, but give me a phone with more than the obligatory number keys and I am a total vegetable.

After hooking three people in a row and sitting on hold for half an hour with Bestbuy I decided that I would change the policy for myself. No more warm transfers for me. It doesn�t work, anyway. The people I didn�t hang up on were people who had to call back because someone else had hooked them. So it isn�t just me.

This is a bad policy. Not only are we pissing the people off that we are hooking, but we are pissing the rest of them off because we are so tied up on hold with OEM that they can�t get through for hours.

Silence is golden.

Is it just me or does it seem that as soon as someone on Survivor thinks they have the upper hand, they are the next to be voted out?

Roger, Dena, Alex, Christy and now Heidi. They usually make a speech and say something really stupid about how they have things wrapped up during the tribal council and �BOOM� they are outta there.

You would think after 5 in a row that people would learn to keep their fucking mouth shut.

And Heidi�s speech was priceless. �I am the mastermind behind half of the plots so far.� Is she on crack? Her and Jenna must be sharing a brain.

I have to say that out of all of them Rob is the smartest. He lies to them, gets caught in that lie and still they trust him. Shades of Richard Hatch.

I think the final two will be Matt and Rob, and Matt will take it in the end.

We�ll see.

A Big ol� ray of sunshine.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, could I have your name please?�

�Dave�

�How can I help you, Dave?�

�I can�t get my fuckin computer to work.�

�Ok, Dave, as a customer service representative�.blah blah blah�(I am paraphrasing, but you get that don�t you, blah blah blah is frowned upon at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�)

A couple of questions later we determine:

A) It�s a clone - built this puppy with his own two hands.
B) He�s running software version 3.1 - obsolete, it was released in April of �92
C) He has an OEM version - supported by manufacturer, which in this case would be him.

I explain the above to him.

�The only option I have for you today would be our self help website��

�I want to talk to a person, I don�t want the fuckin� website.�

�Well Dave, the software you are running is considered obsolete and no longer supported by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. If you would like to try�.�

�Your just trying to get me to pay some fuckin� charge, its all a money grab for your guys.�

�Actually, Dave, no I couldn�t take your money because, as I said, your product is obsolete and no longer supported by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. There is no one here trained on that software.�

�Are you telling me that I paid hundreds of dollars for this software and I can�t get any support?� (ya, like he paid hundreds of dollars 10 years ago, he probably got it last week at a yard sale.)

�Well, sir if you check our website it does state that software has a lifecycle. And it clearly states that software has mainstream support for up to 5 years and online support for 8, the software you are running is over 10 years old."

�What about the hundreds of people out there that are forced to use your software only to be abandoned by you after a few years?�

�Sir, are you saying that I should still have warranty on my �57 Chevy?�

CLICK.

God, I love this job.

Time, Gentlemen, please.

It�s 12:58am at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and I am off at one. I was just about to sign off my phone when the fuckin� thing rings. Ok, I hope it is a quick one.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, may I have your name please?�

�Jess, me nayme isa Madia? Mooay cumputair is no work.� At least that is what I think she said.

FUCK ME GENTLY! I have 2 minutes till quittin� time and I got fucking Charo on the line. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Now I am thinking, what possessed the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� to discontinue the Spanish Line?

�Mariea? What seems to be the problem?� She doesn�t hear me, so I have to speak much louder.

She starts rambling and I can�t understand a word she is saying. I rack my brain on how to get rid of her as quickly as possible, hoping like hell she is OEM so I can pass her off to Dell or some such place. I am trying to get a word in edgewise to determine this when I hear,

�...en it no go off�

�Mariea, are you saying your computer will not turn off?� , this sends the whole line of cubicles into fits of laughter.

�Jess�

I have to put her on mute because I am about to have an aneurism from holding my own laughter.

Gaining control of myself, �Have you tried the power button?�

�Eees no ting say power?�

�Well, no, but there is a button on the front of the computer itself that if you push it in, it will turn the computer off.�

�no, jus computer on, no off� Oh, they do not pay me enough for this shit.

�Mariea, it is the same button for off and for on.�

�I push and it go off?�

�Yes, Mariea, try it now.�

�ju want I push?�

�Yes please, Mariea.�

�It go black�

�Ok, so its off, is there anything else I can do for you Mariea?� Please say no, please say no.

�Jess� FUCK! I am banging my head on the desk now, and everyone around me is again in fits of laughter. Why did I say it? Because I have been conditioned by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� to say it, that�s why.

�Tomorrow I push, and it come on?�

�Yes, Mariea, it will come back on when you push it again.�

�I do now, ju wait.�

She says something in Spanish that I take to indicate that she is truly amazed at the magical on/off button.

�O-J� and with that she promptly hangs up on me. No �thank you�, nothing. Its 1:15am, and I am so preconditioned that I say, to the dead air, �Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, have a nice day.�

Fun and Games at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. My name is Evel, may I have your name please?

�No, I want to be transferred to tech support right now.�

He has stumped me. But I go on with my schpeal.

�As a customer service representative, I will be working with you to see how the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� can best assist you. May I have your telephone number starting with the area code please?�

�No, I have been transferred around to different numbers all day and I am not doing it any more, I want tech support now!�

�Sir, I can�t transfer you unless�..�

�I am telling you right now, I will not give you any information, I gave it to the last three people I talked to and I am tired of it. Just put me through.�

Now what do I do?

�Well sir, if I don�t know what type of tech support you need I will be unable to transfer you to the proper group. And if I just send you to one and it turns out to be the wrong one, they will just transfer you back to me and we will have to begin again.�

Silence.

�What kind of fucking outfit are you running� over there at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I paid a lot of money for this shit and now I need support and you have to ask me a hundred questions before I can get any help.�

�Well sir, we ask these questions so that we can transfer you properly and you will receive help faster.�

He ain�t buying it. This is about 10 min into the call and I still don�t know this assholes name.

�Why can�t you just transfer me to tech support.�

I am wondering now if he thinks its just me and another guy here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I take the information and Gerry over there talks them through their problem. This is a very large company we are talking about. There are hundreds of tech support people and not all of them here, there are many locations across the country as well as overseas and in the US.

�Well sir, first I have to determine your support options and then I transfer you to the tech support that deals with your specific problem. One group deals with X but knows nothing about Y or Z, so I need to know exactly which product you have.�

He begrudgingly gives up his phone number. Finally I can find this guy in the system. Lo and behold there is already a case number assigned to him. I have the assholes name. (I want to call him Bubba, but I resist the urge)

�Dave, can I ask if you are calling on a continuing issue?�

�As a matter of fact I am!�

For the love of God, why didn�t he just say that in the first place, I could have brought up the case and he would have been transferred in seconds. But no, this guy had to be a hard ass.

�Did they give you a case number, can I have that please?�

�No, I told you I am not repeating myself one more time.�

Ok there is more than one way to skin a cat.

�That�s fine Dave, I can search through your file for the case number if you are unwilling to read it off the paper you are holding in your hand, hold please.�

CLICK!

I let him sit on hold for 3 minutes while I laugh about him with my coworkers. When I come back on the line I talk very slowly so he will have to wait that much longer to be transferred. I go through the case and ask him questions, (to determine if it is the same issue) give him the hours of operation for the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, the self help website etc, etc. He is really steamed now.

Again, very slowly, �Before I transfer you, is there anything else I can help you with today Dave?�

�Oh for Christ�s sake would you just transfer me?�

�Ok, Dave, (extra slowly) if there is nothing else I can help you with I will be transferring you now to the next available agent in our X product group. I want to thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, and you have a good day. B-bye.�

He is cursing in the background while I transfer him. The entire call took just over 16 minutes.

I love my job.

Words of Wisdom

Men are like a fine wine.

They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

You really do get what you pay for.

Spent all day yesterday at my sisters while my car was being �fixed�. And, you guessed it, it is still not fixed.

Got it back at 8 last night and the guy says that he has to wait for a part. Big surprise! I had dropped it off at 8 in the morning, why couldn�t he have determined then that he needed a part and then he would have had all day to locate it.

Instead he waits till 5pm to look at it and of course no auto parts stores are open so now I have to give up my day off next week as well. I hate mechanics.

And the worst of it is is that I can�t complain really because I am not paying for this �work� to be done. I wish I had never taken it to my Brother-in-law�s guy, I would sooner pay through the nose to get the fuckin� thing fixed properly than get shoddy work done for free.

Last American Idol.

I am not watching AI anymore, I am sorry. But they just put Ruben & Trenyce up for elimination.

What the hell is wrong with American voters? Do they really think that just because that little marine Joshua wins this thing that he has a hope in hell of selling any records?

I am all for patriotism but come on people, he really doesn't have enough talent to pull off a singing career. This is supposed to be a talent show, and the most talented person should win. So now, thanks to some idiot americans with nothing better to do than call the stupid vote line a hundred times a minute, Trenyce, who has more talent in her little finger than Jashua has in his entire body, is out.

The good news is that I doubt that Trenyce will fall by the wayside, she is just too talented. But come on America, this is a talent show, not prom king.

Lovin' every minute at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

I am pretty sure I am starting to piss people off and they may corner me out in the parking lot and kick the crap out of me. Either that or they will soon instigate a random drug testing program at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

I absolutely love my job. And I tell people all the time.

THEM: �So, how�s it going so far?�

ME: �I love it, I am havin� a ball!�

THEM: �Oh, just wait till you get some guy that is screamin in your ear and calling you a bitch.�

ME: �Oh, I like them the best. The dirtier they get the sweeter I am. And if they get really dirty, I just hook them��..you know�..by accident.� {evil grin}

People give me that �are you fucking on something� look, and I just laugh my fool head off.

I guess they just have to realize where I am coming from. My last job was a nightmare every single day. I dreaded going to work. But now I am around friendly people, the pay is good and a monkey could do my job so it isn�t all that taxing. I have full (free) benefits, 10 days vacation a year and a pension plan.

I really can�t complain. And I don�t.

Tomorrow (well it�s today now) is my day off, and I will spend it at the mechanics trying to get my car fixed. Now THAT pisses me off. But that�s another story.

That Fuckin' DickHead, Sir Sandford Fleming.

We complained to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� (Yanks)(American) that if we are supposed to be paid on the 24th that one second after midnight our pay should be in the bank. His reply:

"It's your own (Canadian) fault for inventing fucking time zones in the first place. The big boss of Undisclosed Customer Service Center� lives in California, deal with it."

Ain't that just like a Canadian, never thinking things through.

You can all rest easy.

I am happy to report that I finished my first shift at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and no one lost a limb, nothing blew up and the company shares are still worth the paper they are printed on.

Yeah me!

Make way for the envoy!

They are actually setting us loose on the place tonight, with no backup. This is the first day of my 5-1 shift.

I will try not to bring the company down from the inside.

HAPPY EASTER!

This was just too halarious not to post.

I recieved this in an email today.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner
in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we
said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the
rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what
are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"
my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty
here, too don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making
much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his
mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think,
Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very
interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to
step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not inlabor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....
masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at
my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent,
absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded,
knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now
running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you
pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks... Pictures of
your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

I almost choked to death, I laughed so hard.

And another thing.....those are my real nails.

Welcome to Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. What the fuck do you want? How may I help you today?

Ok, yesterday I was a little freaked out. We sat with a coach and �role played� and were marked for it. Luckily I remembered that I could put her on hold if I didn�t know what to do and actually ask her. I put her on hold 3 times in one call.

After lunch the instructor sent the ones who �got� it, out on the floor. We were supposed to work the tools while the CSR did the talking. I was doing ok, she at one point was pointing frantically at the computer screen, but nothing blew up or anything.

Then the instructor, we will call him Don, (since he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt on this particular day) does the little �thumb and pinkie� motion and mouths �Did you take a call yet?�.

�WHAT!�

The CSR informs me that I have to actually talk to a customer before I leave for the day. At this point my head starts pounding. You know the feeling that your blood is trying to escape your body from any orifice it can find and apparently that would be the roots of your hair.

I get through it without totally screwing it up. Then the phone rings again.

�That was great, do one more.�

SHIT!!

Well she says that 4 more times. Finally, its time to clock out.

�You did great�. (I am still unconvinced)

I think a couple of them caught on that maybe this was my first time on the phones but thankfully they were nice about it. One man, with a deep southern accent, was giving me his information and after I apologised three times for asking him to repeat something he said, �Dant worray dawlin, yer doin faan�.

I left there with a pounding headache and a hemeroid.

I suppose I should file that last bit under �too much information�, oh well.

We get the weekend off, and one more day (Monday) of training and then they set us loose on the place.

I guess I just have to remember that the people calling up are more confused than I am and they probably aren�t calling up to confirm launch codes or anything like that. So if they get redirected to the wrong place it will not result in nuclear meltdown.

The fate of the free world is not in my hands. (Thank fuck for that, eh!) Just relax, breathe and give it my best shot.

"Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a good day."

On the payroll at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

We got our schedules today. I will be working 5pm to 1am with Wednesdays and Saturdays off. All the people in our class are on the same schedules with different days off. Some of them were not happy with the ones they got, but I am fine with mine, considering we will have all of our days free if we need to get to the bank or whatnot.

Today was a nightmare, we had to �role play�. I am really great with the tools, but I absolutely suck out loud when it comes to knowing what to say and when to say it. Our instructor tells me I am doing fine, and it will all come together when I am out on the floor doing actual calls. I am not convinced.

Before the whole �role play� fiasco, we did call shadowing. Where we sit with a CSR and basically watch and listen. And if we were feeling lucky, we could use the tools while she spoke to the customer. The one I was assigned to was a complete moron. She didn�t use the tools in the way we were taught, so I was completely lost watching her.

When she didn�t know what to do (or couldn�t be bothered) she would just (in her words) make shit up. It was a complete waste of my time, she was no help whatsoever. She spent most of her time instant messaging her friends and checking her email.

Then she turns to me and says, �Do you want to do this (indicating the computer) while I talk?�

�Do what? I have no fucking idea what the hell you are doing.�

She laughs and says �Oh, I don�t do it the right way, but it mostly gets done.�

I am sure the people who call in appreciate her complete lack of competence , when they have to call back because she has directed them to the wrong techie in Butt Fuck Nowhere.

Quick or Thick?

I am sitting in my training session today, buzzing through the exercises in record time. I sit, bored, waiting for the rest of the class to catch up so we can go over the answers.

Then I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Am I done because I know this shit, or am I missing something? Could it be this easy? There are so many who are having real trouble with this stuff, maybe I am doing it so fast because I am doing it wrong.

I think I will go with the delusion that I am just a naturally gifted CSR.

SHMILY!

Inspired by a post read on aka laurie.

My son and I have a bit of a tradition going. Every so often I will write SHMILY! on something in his room, schoolbag, the fridge etc. It may take him up to a week to �stumble� across it but when he does he has to come and give me a kiss.

Then it is his turn to write it on something. One time I lifted the receiver of the phone and saw SHMILY! written on the part that goes up to your ear. The goofier the place, the better.

We have been doing it for years now and it always makes me feel better when I am feeling down.

Oh, by the way SHMILY! means,
See
How
Much
I
Love
You!

A joke we used to tell when we were kids.

Q. If you are going up the river backwards in a canoe and your wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to build an dog house?

Click and drag your mouse to reveal the answer below.

-->A. Frogs don't wear rubber boots.

If you say it right it will make you laugh so hard that snot will come out of your eyeballs. Ok, maybe that was just me.

Awe and Amaze.

All new Scratch & Sniff technology for the internet.

I guess the singing helped.

Tales from the Gulag

My new job comes with a slight headache. You have a key card you have to swipe to get in and out. (I am not even going to tell you how bad the picture is on this thing�..I wear it backwards...nuf said)

Yesterday I was trapped inside for 10 minutes while trying to swipe out at the revolving door entrance. I would swipe the card, enter the chamber and try and push the door open. When it wouldn�t budge I would step out of the chamber and swipe again. After doing this a half a dozen times (finally) someone behind me informed me that the door was automatic, that if I just remained in the chamber (for like 4 beats) the door would move automatically.

WTF? Don�t you think that would be something that they would let you know before they set you loose on the place. I guess they assume that would be something everyone would know. I worked in a basement of a guys house for 7 years and couldn�t work the thermostat. I need instruction!

Happy Birthday!

My brother is 45! Everybody sing!

We have reached the half way mark.

Well it�s half way through my training and it seems to be going well. We were tested today and I got a 97, so I guess I am at least retaining some of the masses of information they are feeding us. After the test we sat with an employee and basically watched them work all afternoon, which was interesting.

After three months off work the only thing that is a bit much to get used to is the early mornings. The good news is that once I am through with the training, I will be on 5pm to 1am shift and that shouldn�t fuck up my sleep patterns.

Also we have to decide what vacation time we want (we have 8 days we have to take between June and the end of the year) we submit our request and wait for approval. I told them that since I have been off since January, I really don�t care what days I get, so they will probably just give me whatever is left. Which is ok with me, a few days of here and there will suit me fine. Besides the request process is a bit confusing and could take numerous attempts to finalize your vacation time. After listening to him describe the process I just got a brain cramp. I will worry more about it for next year.

Tomorrow we start the second half of the training, which is (I believe) hands on with the computers. Should be interesting. Wish me luck.

Holy Mackerel!

Check this out. Wouldn't you love to work at a place like this? We were shown a video today. It was called FISH! This is the work ethic we should try to emulate.

Live Camera at Pike Place Market
(This is Seattle, Washington so depending on what time zone you are in you might just see an empty stall. But take the time to check back during business hours. This is a hoot!)

After the video, we joked, "Do we have to throw a fish everytime the phone rings or can we just answer it?"

I hope this is really what the atmosphere will be like and they are not just fuckin' with our heads.

The wonderful world of acronyms.

With the first day of training under my belt I have come to the realization that I will never speak in complete sentences again. Everything has an acronym and everyone speaks in them. It�s like listening to people speak another language. The down side is that when they talk that way it always seems like it is an inside joke and that the joke is on you. Now if I can just keep from fucking up my time keeping, I will be fine.

For some reason this disappeared, have to republish.
APRIL 1, 2003

YES, YES, YES!!!


I am now gainfully employed! The woman just called and offered me a position.


And now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!








A special thanks to:

Kimmy - Feeder of the Unemployed
Anne - Career Councillor Extraordinaire
Tracey - Exceptional Reference Giver
Bernadette - Woman�s Center Goddess
Mom - For picking up the slack
Adele - Sister and Warrior Princess (she kept the repo man away from my car)

WTF?

For some reason my fucking blog won't load.

I am seriously PO'ed!

That extra mile.

The BigBrother phoned last night from Bermuda. I thought that was so sweet. You see, ever since he became the BigBrother he would call my son on Friday nights to make plans for Saturday. We never expected for him to call while he was away getting hitched, but he did.

I hope his new wife realizes just how lucky she is.

Yet another traumatic experience.

Night before last, my f-ing front tooth took that opportunity to disintegrate. So there I am, 6pm with no front tooth, and less than a week (that�s two dentist days) before I start a brand new job. Just Gods way of saying, �Hey, asshole, don�t get too happy.� It is one of the reasons I am terrified of winning the lottery. I am convinced the second they pass me that giant check I will be struck by lightning.

But I digress. I call and leave a message for my dentist.

HELP--STOP--FRONT TOOTH--STOP--MIA--STOP--NEW JOB MONDAY--STOP

Well, that�s $150 for an emergency visit right off the fucking bat. But what can you do? I can�t show up at a new job looking like something off The Trailer Park Boys. So, now there is nothing left to do but wait and pray that he can take me.

He calls me back the next morning, he can take me at 4pm. Great! I pop an Atavan around 3. The last time I was at the dentist he gave me the rescription and told me not to come back unless I took them. (I am a bit of a coward huge baby when it comes to the dentist) I arrive at the dentist�s office pleasantly medicated and $300 later I have a perfect smile. (ok, so it is tobacco stained, but it�s not gapped toothed)

I just hope that God lets me work long enough to pay off some bills before he torches the place.


UPDATE: But things are looking up.

After my traumatic dental experience, the boy and I went to Fibber's for supper.




The boy had deep fried ice cream for desert.




And I had this, strawberry cheesecake. MMMMMMM!

Memories.

I had company last night, Mary and Doug. They visit me once a year and it always brings back great memories.

Back before my son was born we lived in Aspen (not Colorado), a very small rural community. Lots of lakes and cottages. Doug had a �camp� on the lake (men call them camps) behind our house. In a community like Aspen, everyone �visits�, that�s what you do because there is nothing much else going on. Unless of course someone is getting married and they open up the rifle range for the reception.

Anyway, we spent a lot of time at the camp. Sitting around the campfire while Ivan, my son�s godfather, played the spoons and sang. Or sitting around the woodstove drinking and telling stories while the boys cooked deer steak and boiled corn. Even when I was pregnant, I would haul my humongous ass down the dirt road to the camp and swim in the lake.

That camp was the reason I was pregnant in the first place. Once when we were sitting on the bank of the lake, throwing rocks into the lake for the dog ,Cooter, to retrieve (that dog would retrieve anything, from sun up to sun down) a boat pulled up. It was an older man from across the lake. He had his grandson with him who was about 5 years old. He was all decked our for fishing, little hip waders, fishing vest and even a hat with fish hooks on it. He was the most adorable thing you have ever seen. Later that evening around the campfire my �ex� and his brother-in-law were 10 sheets to the wind,

The ex, in tears - �I wish I had a little fella to take fishin.�

He went on and on about what he would do with a �little fella� of his own. Ball games, fishing, and camping. Well I held him off for a while, made him jump through a few hoops (�not till we have a house� that sort of thing) thinking he would give up on the idea. I wasn�t all that anxious to give up my partying days quite yet. During this time my friend had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, so, with that thought running through my head, I agreed. After all, it wouldn�t happen right away, right? It was taking my friend all this time to conceive, and maybe if we were trying, it would get the ex off my back. Perhaps he would get it out of his system.

Well I guess you see where this is going. From the minute we stopped using protection it took about a week for me to get pregnant. I had my son, and 8 months after that (long, long story short) I left the ex and never looked back. It has been just my son and I for the last 12 years. And the only good thing about the ex, is that he talked me into having him. I couldn�t imagine life without my son now. We have a ball together.

You want to take a guess on how many times my ex has taken his son fishing? Exactly once. He has never taken him to a ball game, and has only ever shown up for my sons ball game twice. (and incidentally he never got out of the car) My son has been in hockey for two years, the first year his father (and I use the term loosely) showed up for one game and one practice. This year, not one game. His girlfiend, however, has been to quite a few.(go figure)

Again, I say, thank God for the BigBrother, he really picked up the slack. I can�t imagine a �father� doing more. He shows up for the ball games, hockey games and takes him to practice. He takes him to the movies, fishing, camping and just hangs out with him on the weekends.

My son still gets very upset with his father, I know it hurts him that he never shows up for anything but I know that the BigBrother makes up for a lot of that. Maybe someday (no doubt when its too late) his father will realize just how much he missed. I try to tell him how exciting it is to see his son hit a home run or score a goal on a break-a-way, but he just doesn�t get it. Oh well, it�s his loss is absolutely our gain.

Sometimes, it's just cool to hear the word.

Last night on Judging Amy, Donna was interviewing people for her blog. How cool is that?

Perhaps someday, in the not so distant future, we will actually be able to say the word �blog� without people giving that weird "are-you-speaking-Klingon" look.

Apparently I am awesome.(who knew?)

Got a call from one of the people I used as a reference for the new job. She wanted me to know how it went. She praised me to the highest.

I started to laugh and say "so, you basically lied through your teeth?"

"You know me Evel, I would never lie for you." (holy shit! I had forgotten about the born again thing.)

"Wow, if I hadn't forgotten about that, I probably wouldn't have listed you as a reference."

I guess I didn't realize how much I helped her. You know how people thank you and say stuff like "what would I do without you?" ? You take it with a grain of salt, right? Well there is nothing like a true Christian to let you know that sometimes, just sometimes, people aren't just blowing smoke up your ass.

Just never ask them, "do I look fat in this dress?"

Very interesting....

Another email directing me to more spine chilling info on Iraq and Saddam

This guy is one sick puppy.

Twelve hours later.

This is the same stretch of road, 12 hours later.