My dad could be sleeping next to stangers.

My mom was totally traumatized. The other day she received a letter in the mail.

"We note that your plot has not been paid for and are hoping that you will bring this account up to date."

What? Her name is on it...says so right there. It goes on to say.

"Our cemetery committee has decided that if we do not hear from you in 90 days from the date of this letter, the above noted plot will become available for sale."

Needless to say, my mother is flipping out. It does not take much for my mother to go off her gourd, and this could send her right off the deep end.

I tried to calm her. "They are not selling your plot."

"Well if I don't pay..."

"What are they going to do? Roll some strange chick up beside Dad? Who is going to buy it? Come on. It took them 20 years to send you an invoice, so their secretary isn't quite on the ball. I am thinking you will be dead long before we get the eviction notice."

Whoa! Now I get it. My mom will be 80 this year. Maybe they figure they better get the money out of her now before it's too late.

Brother Dave was on his annual visit the same day and she told him about it. He, of course, said "I'll take care of it" and proceeded to leave without the letter. Ya sure, you will take care of it.

My mother is calling every person she is related to, trying to make sure this gets paid. I told her I would take care of it, and I will. Either I will pay it or I will shame one of the others into it. What could be better for that than the threat that our mother may not be buried next to our father?

So, I take the letter with me to the outdoor mass, and corner the committee chairman. This is where it all gets laughable. I have to shake my head. Do you know how much a plot is in this cemetery? With perpetual care?

A hundred and fifty bucks. You read that right. "Are you kidding me?" He goes on to tell me that when the plot for my father was paid for they just put a hold on the one beside him for my mother. Why in hell wouldn't that person just pay for both? I mean they paid to have my mother's name inscribed on the headstone. What would happen if she never mentioned this letter to anyone? (like that would ever happen) But what if? Do we cut the stone in half and plunk it down on her new piece of real estate?

Unbelievable. First that it was not done 20 years ago, and second the fact that Dave didn't just 'take care of it' when he said he would. Right then and there. Write a check and be done with it. Because he had no intention of doing so, if he did, he would have taken the letter with him. Not surprising really. Considering she still doesn't have a new walker.

So why, you might ask would he risk our mother losing what little mind she has left? He has to know by now that our mother is wound pretty tight. I swear, that boy is half a bubble off of plumb.

It is so not a big deal. We will get it done this week.

I would be more concerned with how much perpetual care a hundred and fifty bucks really gets you?

Maybe the lawn cut? Certainly not snow removal.

Word from RBC.

The last time I called the Royal Bank of Canada, I was assured that my confirmation mail for my EEE PC was sent on the 14th. So here it is the 29th and no letter.

Again I call them. And get a fellow named, Dean.

"So, when you say mailed, it doesn't mean it actually left the building, only that the letter was prepared? Right?. Otherwise I can't imagine why I have not gotten it, unless you are sending it through pony express on a horse with three legs."

At this, Dean puts me on hold to find out what is going on. He comes back to inform me that I am correct in assuming that it wasn't actually mailed on the 14th, but rather just processed. He also informs me that it typically takes 21 business days from the time of processing to actually deliver the letter. Once I have the letter in hand (around the 12th or 13) and verify my shipping information, he assures me that it will only take 8 business days to have the EEE PC in hand.

That means, I should be playing with this thing on the 26th at the latest.

This is hovering very closely to the 10 weeks (start to finish) that I was promised.

Fingers crossed.

Second verse, same as the first...Not.

Picked up The Boy from his girlfriend's tonight.

"I saw your picture in a yearbook tonight."

"Really? Who's?"

"GF's mother."

"What year?"

"81, you were in grade nine,"

"9F or 9B?"

"Huh?"

"Did it say, 9F or 9B?"

"It was B."

"Ah...second year in grade 9. Not nearly as fun as the first." The Boy rolls his eyes.

He is probably thankful his girlfriends mother doesn't remember me from high school.

You're probably getting sick of this.

I know I am, but I just couldn't live with so much white (only its not actually white). It's actually more of a champagne color.


I decided to take the one side of the room that was paneling with actual grooves (that I did not fill) and stripe it. I have mixed the dark color on one wall with the light on the others to make a mid-tone for the stripes.

The Boy has the car and I, of course, have run out of painters tape. I will have to wait for Sonny the Geek to come by later with replenishment. Hopefully I can get this done tonight.

And I swear to God....that is it!



Now all I need is window treatments....any suggestions?

Almost there.

I decided to go ahead and paint that wall a darker color and even though these pictures don't really do it justice, it turned out nicely.


The color looks different at different times of day and from different angles, but if you are interested it is called Dapper Tan from CIL


Anyway, I still have to touch up the trim but it is mostly done. Since putting all this effort into the living room (at, I might add, the hottest time of the year) something had to suffer. And in my case it was the kitchen.


And The Boy's room.


Wondering where all that crap went from the shelves in the living room? Ya, and I have to clean all the dust off that shit before I put it back. Maybe when it isn't so fuckin' hot!


But Sammy doesn't seem to mind.

I should have an 'I told you so' dance.

Say hello to my sister. If anyone needed luck, this woman did. Crappy marriage, heart surgery, etc.

Last month she was bawling on my couch. "My life is sooooo hard."

So, what happens? Did she take my advice and 'Change it'? Yes she did. She got a line on a new job and went for it.

Okay, technically I had to send in the resume, after I dug it up from my hard drive and revised it. (Remember, she's the cute one.) Believe it or not, she is a welding inspector. I know, you would never guess by looking at her.

One day, years ago, down at the steel plant, the rumor was that if you were a woman, you would get a job. No matter what, they had to fill a quota. (Tree huggers are good for something.) Any who, TBS taught her how to weld, I found a guy that could teach her to drive a forklift and she applied.

She went from being a hair dresser to a welder, an unlikely segue, I know, but she just took right to it. She went on to take courses to become an inspector.

So, fast forward to today. She landed a job making ridiculous money in the next province. I won't say how much, but she makes in just one day what I make in two weeks.

I guess you never know what you are going to be good at, you just have to give it a shot.

Nothing to lose, everything to gain. Told ya so.

Already looking brighter.

BEFORE

AFTER



BEFORE

AFTER
All this with just one eye.


BEFORE

AFTER

Now I need some new furniture. Maybe its too bright. What do you think?

I hate to do this but...

I know what you're saying, "That looks like it hurts."

You would be putting it mildly, my friend. I am in real pain here.

This is so that when I post the pictures of the completed living room you will feel less inclined to say 'you missed a spot', now that you know what I had to endure to get 'er done.

I started getting this baby on Friday night, and it progressively got worse. This is it on Sunday afternoon as it was starting to get better, if you can believe it.

And it actually feels worse than it looks.

UPDATE: And the answer to your question is 'YES'.

It actually could get worse, and did.Had to go into the ER (we call it the out-door here) and get some antibiotics.



Caused quite a stir at 5:30 in the morning. It was slow, as you can imagine, I was the only person in there. After the first nurse saw me, I became a bit of a freak show, and heard things like, "You have got to see this one." Followed by an endless stream of nurses and orderlies.

You know you're in trouble when the doctor stops dead in his tracks and says, "Whoa!"

Now What?

I have used up all my excuses for not finishing the living room. I got off to a good start, but then ran into problems.

UnfortunatelyFortunately each obstacle was quickly overcome.

- I ran out of supplies. - My sister loaned me the money.
- I have no way to get supplies, my car is broke. - Mechanic came to the house and fixed it in the driveway
- Its too hot! It's fucking July, you know! - No its not, it rained all night and is now overcast.
- I don't have time. - I am off for the weekend.
- I am tired, I am hungry, I have a sty in my eye.(Seriously, I look like Quasimodo) - Quit whining and get your ass in gear.

I think the problem is that I set my computer up in another room. If it was sitting in a corner somewhere there would be more of an incentive to get a move on and have its home completed.

It is a double edged sword though. The place where it resides now is not ideal by any stretch of the imagination. Right now it is here, in my bedroom. The same room that I have my work computer set up. It is on a coffee table so I have to slump over to type, and I have bruises all over my left leg from whacking it as I swivel from my work computer.

For the past week or so, this has been my life.

I roll out of bed, turn on my production machine.

Turn in my chair 90 degrees and check my email on my home computer.

Play on that until work starts, then 90 degrees to the right and spend 4 hours taking tech calls.

Have lunch, turn 180 degrees for my afternoon nap.

Back up at 5. Another 4 hours shift.

9PM and I am at my home computer til about midnight, 180 degrees back to bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I leave this room for two reasons, eating and bathroom. You can imagine, it is getting on my nerves.

Its Sunday now, and all that is left is the paint. Should be done by the end of the day.

Getting closer.

Received this in the mail yesterday. It's the leather case for my new Eee PC. So I figured I should call the RBC and rattle their chain, since I haven't even received my confirmation letter telling me I am actually getting the stupid thing.

I called and they assure me that the letter was mailed on the 14th, so I should get it any day now.

This shit might actually happen.

What is really the first thing to go?

I was watching the third season of Grey's Anatomy and suddenly realized I had a burning desire to do something else.

I click over to Firefox and ...

Nothing...

I totally drew a blank. Even now I am struggling to remember what the hell I was going to do.

What if I had just discovered the cure for cancer? Or maybe just the common cold. What if I had something really earth shattering to say or suddenly had an epiphany about some company's stock I should buy? Gone, forever.

They say the mind is the first to go, well I wouldn't know, since I can't really remember. I know my eyesight is shot, I have to hold the newspaper at arms length as it is now. I buy my glasses at the drug store only because I refuse to get an eye exam. To do that I would have to admit I am going blind, and I am still cruising down that river in Egypt.

My joints are shot, partly from age but mostly from maintaining my fat chick status for the past 15 odd years. (But I am working on that one) The list goes on, but I won't bore you.

More and more, though, its my memory that I find is getting worse. Short term memory mostly. I am sure you all have had that incident, you know the one, you go to the kitchen to get something and stop dead. What was I coming in here for? Then you have to backtrack to where you thought of this errand and then you remember it. Or you are watching a TV show, the commercial comes on and for the life of you you can't remember what program you were watching? No? It's just me then.

I began this blog to preserve my long term memory. Recently I was killing some time adding tags to old posts and I have to tell ya, after only 6 years I find myself looking through the archives and not recognizing a post. Did I write that? I don't remember that happening. Oh, stories from my childhood I remember, but what happened on this day last year? The day to day shit? Lost. Unless it was earth shattering, its lost.

What was I talking about? ...

Oh ya, (thank God In scroll up) I find myself saying something absolutely hilarious to someone, to the point where they are squirting milk from their noses and by the time I get home, it is totally gone from my consciousness. Lost. I can't tell you how many times I have planned to purchase a mini tape recorder for just such occasions. But, alas, the plan to purchase that recorder also gets lost.

I guess the cold cure will just have to be discovered by someone else, someone with one of those mini recorders I'll bet.

Why does looking and feeling good have to cost so much?

I don't know how many of you eat right, or stay in shape but if you do, how do you afford it?

It is so much cheaper to be a lazy fat chick. Between eating 'right' and exercising I am going to go broke.

Prices on so-called 'healthy' foods are retarded. When I was living on coffee and cigarettes, believe it or not, I had money left over at the end of the month. Now it's the complete opposite.

Thank God I don't have to feed The Boy during all this, or I would have to take a third job.

They wonder why obesity is on the rise among lower income families?

Who can afford to be skinny and still send their kids to college?

A penny for your thoughts.

What's a penny really worth to you?

There has been talk about abolishing the penny. And, of course, much opposition.

How much of the tax payers hard earned pennies are you willing to waste to fight someone for your right to accumulate them? And as far as the Canadian Mint is concerned, the penny is the one coin that does not 'circulate'. People just don't spend them anymore. Aside from charitable

Personally, the only thing i use them for is to unplug the shop vac hose. When it stops sucking, I throw a handful of pennies down and it usually breaks up the blockage.

So, if they abolish the penny, what do I do (other than unblock the vacuum) with all those accumulated pennies?

Consider the copper content. If I were to melt down the pennies and take them to an exchange yard, what could I get for them?

Canadian pennies from 1996 and earlier – and U.S. ones from 1981 and earlier – are 98 per cent copper, veritable gold mines at today's prices. But you'd have to have quite a few to make this work.

A penny weighs 2.5 g. That means you would need 408,163 pre-1997 pennies to end up with a tonne of copper. As legal tender, this stash would be worth $4,081.63 but as a potential truckload of copper destined for China this would bring in US$7,230 just now on the LME futures market.

However, as long as they are legal tender, it is illegal to melt them.

Something to think about.

YOU ARE HERE - July, 2008

How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it).

- italktoomuch.com (NY)(#6)
- hall, booth, smith & slover, p.c. salary (Georgia) (#9)
- how to bott goobers (Toronto) (#5) I was not aware that I had this skill
- nice girls dont spit (UK) (#?) Nice girls don't swallow.
- mychickencheese (NY) (#50)
- minus 18c fucking cold (Ukraine) (#1) It's Canada, no surprise there.
- fat ugly women lewd pics (Pittsburgh) (#?) I swear to God, I am off the whole posting lewd pics thing. Scouts honor.
- DREGLOCKS (Singpore) (#8)
- beam me up, scottie no intelligent life (Las Vegas)(#6) Give it up, Scottie never answers. Trust me, I have tried.
- quote don't buy any green bananas (New York)(#?)Love this one, use it all the time.
- we're sorry, this video is no longer available. bastards (Thunder Bay, Ontario)(#1)Refresh the page, works for me.

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Hard Rock Cafe (Ocoee, Florida) {wave to Bryna}
Kleiner Perkins Caufield Byers (Redwood City, California)
Ing North America Insurance Corporation (Pasadena, Maryland)
Hanes Companies Inc (Winston Salem, North Carolina) {sup John?}
State Of Wyoming Department A&i (Cheyenne, Wyoming)
Whirlpool Corporation (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (Cambridge, Mass.)
Royal Bank Of Canada (Toronto, Ontario) {Hey, Michel}
Canadian Department Of Education (Halifax, Nova Scotia)
Google Inc (Mountain View, California)
Mercedes-benz Of N.a. Inc (Little Falls, New Jersey)
Bank Of Montreal (Toronto, Ontario)
Microsoft Corp (Redmond, Washington)
Navy Network Information Center (Arlington, Virginia)
University Of Manitoba (Winnipeg, Manitoba)
The Devereux Foundation (King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania)
Health Care Plan-choicecare (Buffalo, New York)
Norsk Hydro (Oslo, Norway)
American Panel Corp (Ocala,Florida)
Elmtree Consulting Services (Melbourne, Australia)
Hong Seh Motors (Singapore)
XKO (IOM) Limited (Isle of Man, UK){Is that you Owen?}

Can You See Your House From Here?


HINT: Ever grab a bite at The Manchu Wok? Or breakfast at Cerealious?


Well, can you see your house from here?

If you can, email me.

Quality time.

That's what I get from The Boy now.

Since moving to his father's I think I see him more.

When he was here, he was pretty much holed up in his room.

Now he comes to visit.

Visit and talk.

He might even let me meet his girlfriend.

Might.

There are no words.

Ok, maybe one....OUCH!

I don't know what I was thinking.


I am going to regret this in the morning.


Sanding, taping, priming.


And I haven't even gotten to the painting yet.


Imagine the angle you have to be in to sand those walls.


That is as many words as I can muster...even my fingers hurt.

And....its July? I think I might be brain damaged.

Water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

As part of the weight loss program, I am told I should be drinking lots of water.

I live in town, that means the tap water tastes of chlorine. So off to the drug store I go to pick up a bottle or two.

Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong. There shouldn't be a decision process behind a simple water purchase. It should have been easier than, say, purchasing juice.

I am standing in the water isle with a bewildered look on my face. Rows and rows of possibilities.

Glacial water, spring water, well water, purified water, demineralized water or distilled water, sparkling water, artesian water, carbonated spring water and then of course an unending variety of flavored water.

Did you know that, in all likelihood, water labeled “purified water” and “drinking water” indicates the water came from a municipal water supply. That unless the water is labeled spring or mineral, you might as well drink the stuff you have at home? Municipal water supply equals tap water people, and we are paying for it, through the nose.

All I want is moisture. It shouldn't be so difficult.

Go ahead, make me laugh.

Why would they reject this commercial? It is halarious.

Nuttin' but suds.

Your Place or Mine?

Really stupid premise, and it doesn't get better as you watch. The questions are moronic and it is pretty simple to win or lose.

I think they are banking on having a soap star as the host, but I really can't see it lasting that long.

Now there is a half hour out of my life that I will never get back. (I couldn't actually watch the whole thing.)

How to get your ass on TV.

Have your small child sing a Michael Jackson song.





However, if you don't have time to produce any kids, you can just be fucking crazy.



And thank God this wing nut isn't reproducing.

The more things change...

I have been buying a few things on eBay lately. I am not addicted, but I will binge on eBay every so often. For a solid month I will buy a whole bunch of shit I don't need, then go 6 months without ever buying anything.

I use PayPal to purchase items, so the sellers get their money immediately from me. Which left me perplexed as to why it was taking so long to get feedback from them. I mean, as soon as I hit 'pay' my portion of the transaction is complete. What more can I do? I received an email from one of the sellers saying they shipped the item, "Don't forget to leave positive feedback." I just had to email back saying, "You first."

Even after the email, still nothing. Then the first item I purchased arrived. I do my duty and hit 'leave feedback'.

And all is revealed...



That is just fucking greasy. They can't leave negative or neutral feedback, so we should have no fear of reprisals? Ya right! Sellers are not leaving feedback until you do, so if you leave crappy feedback about the product? They can't leave negative feedback, they just won't leave any feedback.

Sometimes I am a danger to myself.

There is absolutely nothing creepier than having something crawl across your face.

I am laying in bed, the alarm goes off. I slowly regain conciousness. What is that? Something tickling my forehead. Stray hair? I start to sit up.

HOLY FUCK IT IS CRAWLING TOWARDS MY EYE!

I freak out and instead of brushing it off, I am in a panic. All I want is for whatever it is to be dead. I can't imagine what it is, but I am sure it has more than two legs and am positive I wouldn't like it on me.

Without thinking I haul off and smack the thing. I didn't consider in doing so that I might hurt myself. I hit it with as much force as I would imagine it would take to fell a NFL linebacker.

I literally punched myself in the face. Knocking myself backwards on the bed and almost unconscious.

It was an ant, and it is most definitely dead. I believe I will have a shiner.

I am so fucking scarred for life. All day I kept imagining that I was seeing them crawling on me.

I gotta get back on my meds.

I never seem to learn.

My living room is dark and depressing. It really shouldnt be, since the living room has three good sized windows. I believe it is mostly because of the dark wood paneling.



So, since the floor in the kitchen went so well, I will be directing my attention to the living room. I have decided to paint the paneling. From what I have gathered through research on the net, it shouldn't be that difficult.



This only looks bright because of the flash.

I decided that I should (of course) paint it a light color. It can't be white, since the wood furniture in there is all a sort of pecan color. So off I went to Walmart for some paint chips. You would not believe how many shades of beige there are. I came home with about 50 and there were still more to choose from.



I finally narrowed it down to a couple and have chosen it mostly because it will transition well from the bright yellow of the kitchen. The final color...Wedding Silk.

What I really am having an issue with is this...



Not really sure what they were thinking here. And no, you can't scrape it, it is not stucco. It is almost like a plastic. Hard as the hinges of hell.

I figure with the de-glosser and the primer and the paint and accessories, it will cost me in the neighborhood of $150. Deducted from the rent, of course

I will try and get some 'in progress' pictures as well as post the finished result.

Any suggestions on window treatments?

My favorite commercial.

The most sophisticated piece of technology ...

Ok, so Bob Vila I am not.

I am having a bit of an issue with the new floor I laid in the kitchen.



I should have known it would be an issue, its not like the floor is even remotely close to being level. In fact, if you drop a marble in one side of the room, only Ben Johnson could beat it to the other side.

So, this is what is happening, the tiles are starting to shift.

It was not an issue on the other sides of the room, as I was finishing each wall, I was stapling them down at the walls edge and covering them with the quarter round molding, so they weren't going anywhere.

Unfortunately when I got to the last rows (under the cabinets)I was not able to put a staple in them, no way to get the stapler under the toe kicks.



I went out and bought a couple more packages of the floor tile, thinking I would have to tear up the last two rows and do them over. Then my sister says to me, "Just heat them with a hair dryer and it loosens the glue." (I think she is channeling Bob Vila)

Ok, I am going to give that a try. But that still does not help with them shifting over time. I will have to try and figure out how to keep them in place until the glue sets.



As you can see, I found that the hair dryer was not hot enough, it was taking forever. It took me 5 minutes to do one with the hair dryer and 10 to do all the rest with the iron.

And yes, that is duct tape. Red Green would be proud.