Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Save your breath.

The mood at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� has changed. So has my attitude with customers. I have heard myself saying these things and so far no one has called me on it. Sometimes I don't think they are even listening. I think our days are numbered.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

Customer: "Thank God you speak English!"
Me: "Don't get used to it."

Customer: "Please don't send me to India."
Me: "Then stop stealing software and the big giant head will stop trying to save a buck."

Customer: "I can't understand a word they say."
Me: "Give it time, you will have lots and lots of practice."

Customer: "Thank God I finally reached an American."
Me: "Sorry Sir, I am Canadian."
Customer: "Same thing." And they wonder why the big giant head does not give a shit if they complain about India, since they can't locate it on the map there is no fear of retribution.

Customer: "Three hours wait time? That's ridiculous."
Me: "Yes, but we do have really great hold music."
Customer: "Really?"
Me: "No, sorry, couldn't do it to you. But it is inspirational."
Customer: "Inspirational?"
Me: "Ya, more than one person has called back in and said, 'I was on hold for an hour and fixed it myself.'"

Customer: "I don't want to pay for support!"
Me: "Ok, thanks for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, have a nice day" --CLICK--

I think I am just tired of sugar coating it for these crayons. Tired of regurgitating the company line...the "Undisclosed Computer Software Company� is a global company and I am unable to determine where your tech support might be located." Yes I can, its in India.

What I really want to tell them is.

The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� has no intention of taking your opinions into consideration. Yes, I realize that you can't understand a word the tech is saying and he is not listening to you either. He is reading from a script and if you interrupt him he just has to start over. If you had any brains at all you would go to the self help website and read the script yourself. Save yourself some aggravation.

No, they will not give a shit if you complain. They will just say you are racist and get rid of all the 'English as a first language' agents so you are less inclined to complain about it.

Bottom line is, they pay agents in India 13,000 rupee a month (that's about 300 bucks American) to give you free tech support. They don't really need you to be satisfied, since there is not a serious contender out there as an alternative to the software they produce.

Yes, I have heard a lot of you say, "I think I will just throw out this PC and get a M.ac." Give 'er. Oh, and good luck finding software that is not produced by the Undisclosed Computer Software Company. Ya, and Lin.ux? Please! You can't manage to figure out what right click means, you are not switching to Lin.ux. I know that and the big giant head knows that, he is not worrying about the kids college fund.

Last year, our center was rated number one for customer satisfaction. The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� couldn't say enough good things about us. We were the best thing since sliced bread. They even sent us to India to train their agents there.

So, what does the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� do? Why, they change our metrix requirements, make it impossible to give good customer service. They say, "You did such a great job with 6 minute calls, now let's see you do it in 4." Oh, let's not forget they added 15 extra things that must be done within that 4 minute call. All of which, if not done are punishable. "Oh and we are going to screw with your schedules, less hours, maybe change your schedules weekly so you never know when you are working so you will have to be off work if you can't get a babysitter. By the way if you don't show up we will punish you. And we have also come up with a few hundred other menial things that we can punish you for, like eating candy at your desk." When I first joined the company, I was promised the FISH! Philosophy. And now? You will not find one fish on the production floor.

"But keep a smile on your face, go that extra mile for the customer, let them know you care. One more thing, we realize that you have been constantly cleaning up the messes that the agents in India have created, good job. As a reward, we are going to hire more Indian agents and cut your numbers in half. We really can't understand why moralle is so low. After all we let you spin our customer satisfaction wheel for your chance to win a ball point pen. Yes we are a fortune 500 company, what's your point?"

It's almost like they are trying to sabotage the center so they can move all the customer service to India. Which makes good business sense, I guess. Since they have no real concerns about losing customers.

Guess that's how the big giant head got so big.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have no idea if you'll see this comment, being posted 2 months after the fact and all. But I just had to. I was doing a search on the term 'give 'er' (just stumbled on a list of canadianisms, and this was one of them). I like your writing style and humour: your comment about inspirational hold music -- priceless!! I get the sense I'm a bit older than you, and I'm very lucky to no longer be in your predicament. I was once, and was an unfortunate inmate on the Gung Ho journey. One of our inspirational talking points was 'the Gift of the Goose', because apparently geese honk each other on for no reason other than being mindless, cheering (workaholic) fans of one another. Of course, 'Gift of Goose' meant something else entirely to those of us who were conscious and forced to sit through these inspirational gabfests. If you get a chance, check out
Some duds, but some dandies too.

stass at canada dot com