And another thing...

Go peddle your crazy somewhere else.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

CUSTOMER: It doesn't say po.cket pc on it, but it is a poc.ket pc.
ME: Just because it fits in your pocket does not make it a poc.ket pc.

XP TECH: My name is Kumar from xp support...
ME: (deadpan)Congratulations.
XP TECH: (I have stumped him, he pauses) Yes. This person got through without a case number.
ME: Not suprised, half the center is without tools.(we have procedures for that, you send them through and tell them the tech will create the case, its not brain surgery)
XP TECH: Can you create a case for me?
ME: Nope, not your secretary. --CLICK--

Woman locked out of her computer, forgot her password.

ME: We don't break, bypass or work around passwords, we can only help you format and reinstall.
CUSTOMER: But I will lose all my data.
ME: Yes, that is the purpose of the password, to protect the data.
CUSTOMER: But it is my data.
ME: We have no way to verify over the phone that it is you, sitting in front of your computer.
CUSTOMER: I can get my son on the phone.
ME: Sorry.
CUSTOMER: This sucks, you suck. (nice)
ME: Look at it this way, if someone were to steal your computer and we helped them break the password. They get all your info, steal your identity, apply for credit cards, ruin your credit. Who are you going to sue? Him or us?
CUSTOMER: I would never sue anyone!
Your American aren't you? Does it look like I just fell off a turnip truck?

After giving customer the option for paid support.

CUSTOMER: Ok, but can the tech fix this.
ME: If he can't he will refund the money.
CUSTOMER: But you can't tell me if he can fix it.
ME: I am not a tech, but if he can't he will refund the money.
CUSTOMER: I can't believe they don't have techs answering the phones.
ME: We all have our jobs.
CUSTOMER: And you know nothing about the software?
ME: If I did, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
CUSTOMER: Jesus, even the cashier at the grocery store knows about the milk.
ME: Ya, but she has no idea about the cow.

After informing customer they were running pirated software and there was no support for him. I was in a mood.

CUSTOMER: I am not getting a warm, fuzzy feeling about the Undisclosed Computer Software Company�
ME: I am pretty sure they are not too crazy about you either.
CUSTOMER: I think I will just junk this pc and buy a m.ac.
ME: Fill your boots. --CLICK--

That is like saying, I am not buying cars anymore, I am going to buy ice cream instead. You still have to drive to the ice cream parlor. We are a software comany, we don't give a shit what hardware you buy, you will still need the software. And by the way, our software company actually has a stake in that hardware company, so you would be doing us a favor. We might actually get a couple bucks out of you for a change. Crayon.

And another thing...

Just have to tell you about Jennifer.

It's a quiet Saturday night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, the CSR next to me is trying to explain to the customer that we are closed and all the XP techs have gone home. Yes, she says, we are still here, we are professional agents and we deal with servers, that sort of thing, but XP is closed.

You can hear this woman screaming. I tell the CSR, "Just hang up." So she does.

Now we have really done it. This is the sort of person who will call back, over and over. They think that if they rant and rave that somehow we can turn back the hands of time and the techs would actually be there.

From a couple of rows down I hear, "Kay's got a screamer." On the weekends it gets boring and these types of people break up the menotony. I think, cool, hope I get her next. And I do.

CUSTOMER:"I WANT TO SPEAK TO KAY!"
ME: "Excuse me?" Faking innocence.
CUSTOMER: "I WANT TO SPEAK TO KAY!"
ME: I am sorry, I don't know who Kay is. May I help you.
CUSTOMER: FINE YOU CAN GET ME KAY'S SUPERVISOR, SHE JUST HUNG UP ON ME!
ME: I can certainly get you a supervisor, but since I have no idea who Kay is I don't know who her supervisor might be.
CUSTOMER: GET ME ANY SUPERVISOR, I HAVE BEEN DENIED SERVICE!
ME: Sure, I will need your name and phone number.
CUSTOMER: I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY NAME, I HAVE A CASE AND I HAVE BEEN DENIED SERVICE! (I can't understand why, you are such a sweet and reasonable person)
ME: May I have your case number?(She uses her best snotty voice and I bring up the info.)
ME: Is this Jennifer?
CUSTOMER: YOU WILL NOT ADDRESS ME AS JENNIFER!
ME: I need to verify that this is the right case, is this Jennifer?
(This is where she loses her mind. She starts screaming so loud that she is going horse.)
CUSTOMER: YOU WILL NOT ADDRESS ME AS JENNIFER, YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS MRS. LOWENBOWSKI.
(evil grin)
ME: You are going to have to calm down and keep this professional ... (pause for effect) Jennifer.
(I can imagine that her head is spinning around and she is barfing pea soup.)
CUSTOMER: I TOLD YOUUUUUUUUU!(she is screaming and holding the note)NOT TO ADDRESS MEEEEEE AS JENNIFER, YOU WILL ADDRESS MEEEEEE AS MRS. LOWENBOWSKIIIIIIIIIII. I WANT YOU TO SAY MY NAME, SAY IT, SAY IT, WHAT IS MY NAME? SAY IT, SAY IT, SAAAAAAAAAY ITTTTTT!
ME: (Slowly...) "Jennifer?"
More screaming, but it's getting boring, so I hang up.

Makes you wonder about natural selection, don't it?