I am warning you!

I am halfway through watching the Lake House and I had to stop and write this.

I swear to God that if Keanu turns out to be the guy who got hit by the bus at the first of this movie I will shoot myself in the face!

And another thing...

Luckily for me (and my face) she changed the past. Keanu lives!

CSI Miami, new drinking game.

Every time Horatio Caine strikes a pose - everybody drinks!



I will bet my left nut that you can't stay conscious for the whole show. If the boredom doesn't get you the shear volume of alcohol consumed most definitely will.

And no need to worry if you can't find a show. Miami is on Spike for 6 hours a day. I didn't know there was that many episodes but apparently there is, so drink up!

Attica! Attica!

Again I say, just because your paranoid does not mean everyone is not out to get you.

A while back I told you about the Joh.n How.ard Conspiracy. Well, the boy is in it again. But this time I am not letting it go.

To refresh your memory, the boy was 'caught' drinking underage.

I honestly thought nothing would come of it. For starters, the cop never had to get off his fat ass and chase my juvenile delinquent down. The boy was not harassing the store clerk or vandalizing property. Hell, you couldn't even smell the beer on his breath. (Believe me, I checked.) He was asked a question by a man in authority and he told the truth. (I know, I know, I have tried to talk to him) I would bet my life on the fact that there is not one cop in that precinct that didn't have a beer before he was legal.

The cop never tested him, never got him or me to sign anything. I thought they were just doing me a favor, putting a little jolt into the boy and putting the experimental drinking part of his adolescence off for a couple of years.

Ya think? Guess not. I don't hear from the cops after that. What I do get is a letter in the mail from the John Howard Society, telling me that my sons case was referred to them. What? What fucking case? He was never charged. Now they are bypassing me all together? No fucking way!

At that very moment my son was scrubbing scuff marks off the YMCA gym floor as part of his community service from the last fiasco with the JHS.

I get on the horn with the JHS director. I lost it with him. I was so enraged, I couldn't tell you what I said or when but here are the finer points:

"What the hell scam are you people trying to pull now?"

"You guys seem to be working together to justify your existence, and get slave labour for your friends in the process. Not this time mister!"

"If you want the boy this time, you are going to have to work for him. That cop is going to have to get off his fat ass and spend the day at the courthouse with me. And he better have his shit together, because I will be accompanied by a lawyer who I will pay to have his shit together."

"This will NOT be a slam dunk and I may even counter with a harassment charge since every time my son farts in that town he gets picked up."

"I will be calling you in as well, It will be interesting to know how many kids have gone through this restorative justice thing and ended up doing community service and just how many times they have had to go through it." (He had told us the first time we were there that this was a one chance thing. This will make three times for the boy.)

"I thought the cop was doing me a favor, but all he is teaching my son to do is lie to them." (Previously the same town cops coerced him into confessing to something he didn't do by threatening to fine him. He confessed and nothing came of it.)"So far he tells the actual truth and he gets community service."

"I will gladly pay a fine, after I get my day in court. The next stop will be the papers. I think people should know about this little arrangement you have with the police. Since you are publicly funded, I wonder if people are aware of how their tax dollars are spent prosecuting kids for drinking a beer, when a week before they still hadn't found the guy who beat the hell out of some old man and stole his car."

I have visions of "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" I am pumped.

Unfortunately for me, the boy won't join the program. I am all Norma Rae, and he is all don't make waves. He called the JHS and agreed to go through the program. I think he and his friend actually enjoyed the community service. It was a way to volunteer without being a nerd.

I am not dropping it though, I will be at the meeting with the cop and the JHS. I will voice my opinion 'on the record'. I will also be composing a letter to the editor. I think this is a issue that needs to be addressed. People need to know that this shit is going on. These cops are cooking their 'crimes solved' books with the help of a publicly funded organization without ever having to actually solve crimes.

These are our tax dollars at work, and I for one am sick of paying twice for a job not done.

Janis might have bigger problems.

I am really concerned with the mental state of Maggie. I had thought before that she was just quiet, but recent events make me suspect that she might be a sociopath.

Janis is still not back to work, so it was quite a surprise when the social commity put on a Prettiest Pet contest and Janis' dog was one of the pets.

Maggie entered Janis' dog in the contest...I kid you not.

I don't actually speak to Maggie anymore, I am afraid what I might say. And since I only see her at work, it might be a problem if we get into it. That being said, I still have her on messenger.

As I was talking to Janis one day, I notice Maggie coming online. I glance over and she has Janis' dog as a buddy icon. I thought that I must be mistaken, but Janis has the same picture as her buddy icon.

I Don't know what other reason she would have for putting it there except to torment Janis.(who probably still has her in messenger)

It gets better.

She told one of Janis' friends that she can't understand why Janis doesn't just go back to (the province she was originally from) so Maggie and the husband could be happy.

Janis' friend was shocked, all she could do was walk away.

So, here we are, today. I open up messenger and glance over at Maggie's nick. At first all I see is "Why is it that...".

That gets me interested so I open it up to see the rest.

Maggie's nick says "Why is it that some people just can't do what they know is best?"

I immediately changed mine to - "Are 'some people' on fucking crack?"

It didn't take her long to change it to something incautious.

If she wants to play mind games, I am all in.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't know if you will remember. A while back I spoke of a friend's husband who died, and the trouble my fiend was having.

During this time, Maggie, was alone. She had no family in the area, but she did have one really good friend, we will call her Janis.

I have to tell you a little about Janis. She is that person. The one who wouldn't say shit if she had a mouth full of it. She is thoughtful and unselfish. And not just for her close friends. I just know her from work. We don't hang out or anything, but I consider her a friend. Janis knows I don't cook, so whenever she cooks a turkey (she does this often, and I once mentioned that I rarely do) she brings me a turkey sandwich. Just because. I also mentioned one time that I missed Lime Rickey (it is one of those drinks you had as a kid but they don't sell anymore) and while she was in another province, she saw that they sold it and brought me back a bottle. These are but a few examples, but you get the idea.

Janis was very supportive, helping Maggie with the day to day stuff. She was there for her from the time they heard Maggie's man was sick, even taking off work to help Maggie deal after he died. Taking up a collection at work to help Maggie financially. Maggie was having trouble with the ex-wife and was not sure if she was going to lose her house. At one point she had to move out of it (not sure why) she had no where to go, so (of course) Janis and her husband took her in.

Janis went above and way beyond, that is just the kind of person she is.

And what do you suppose Janis got for her trouble?

Maggie paid her back by fucking her husband, that's what.

Shocked? I know I was. How do you kick a person in the teeth after they put their life on hold to help you pick up the pieces of yours?

It wasn't me!

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Tech Support Team™ my name is blah blah blah..."

"Ok, don't laugh." I love it when they say that. You can pretty much guarantee it after an intro like that.

"My daughter downloaded Lim.ewi.re."

"Oh Kay." Like I am still waiting for the punchline. What is the big deal?

"I am a federal agent."

"OK!" Mute the phone.

"You promised you wouldn't laugh."

"Sorry, couldn't help myself." He is laughing too. Until we get to the bottom of the problem he is actually calling in on.

Once he realized what she had done to his laptop, he knew he had to get rid of it. This thing gets audited regularly. In his fervor to cover his daughters tracks, he pooched the system.

Now, no one is laughing. Least of all his daughter.

Another World.

I have to say, that since moving to the dark side (tech support) I am much happier.

Being a Tech Router was a nightmare. You had to know every single product and were treated like an idiot when you didn't know that some obscure programming language was still used and every intricate detail of that language. The actual work was interesting but since it is 80% technical and your managers are 0% technical, you never got credit for the fact that you even heard of that obscure programming language. In short, you rocked on the phone, but on paper (the managers opinion) you sucked because your call time was 2 seconds off the norm.

Over on the 'other side', you have two people grading you. One grading you on customer service and an actual tenured technician grading you on the tech support aspects. Makes sense, don't it?

Just to give you a feel of how different the atmosphere is over on the 'other' side. If a customer has a good experience and wants to give you Kudos, they have an email address they can use and they often do. When someone says something nice about how you helped them, the managers send it out in an email for ALL TO SEE.

Imagine if you will, the atmosphere that sort of thing generates. Just think about it for a minute. You rock, your customers think you rock and tell your manager that you rock. Then they send out an email letting everyone know that you rock.

How fucking cool is that??? I get 2 or three emails from customers a day. Recently I got a really long email from a man I helped restore his computer, while he was miles from home in Brazil. I won't bore you with the whole thing, but just to give you an idea, I will post a couple excerpts.

...Within minutes I was connected to one of the most interesting persons I have ever had the privilege to speak with, Mrs./Ms. "Evel"...

For the novice user it was frightening to say the least, however; with the professional assurance and guidance of "Evel" the day was saved.

While everyone else was probably enjoying a happy holiday meal or a lazy day at the beach "Evel" was hard at work in a remote bastion of the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™. After completing all of "Evel's" instructions I am happy to say you have recruited another happy Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ product user, for life...

If it were in my power, I would surely promote this young lady to some sort of a management position, at the very least a pay raise. I would send as many other Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ employees to Nova Scotia to receive tutelage from this very outstanding Undisclosed Computer Software Company™ employee, as the training budget would permit of course. "Evel" is the Undisclosed Computer Software Company™...

He goes on and on, but you see the difference? On this side of the pond, you are made to feel important and valued. It is the craziest thing, because you can see where you came from (there are no walls in cubic hell) but it is a completely different world.

And the results are in.

Taken from Radmilla, I decided to take the test.

Here are the rusults of "The Director Who Films Your Life Test"

Alfred Hitchcock
Your film will be 27% romantic, 42% comedy, 53% complex plot, and a $ 43 million budget.

One of the best film directors EVER to exist. Your life must be something special if we're going to dig up Hitch to direct the film version. His films are studies of masterful technique and visual storytelling. He also has six distinct signatures he puts in each of his films, one of them being his fleeting cameo walk-by appearance. I think another one is that the leading man is always wrongly persecuted for something he didn't do, and the leading lady is usually a blonde. He made many more films than just The Birds and Psycho. PLEASE go rent, buy, or view North By Northwest or Vertigo!

Great, I end up having an affair with the director, the creepy fat guy.

Story of my life.

I am being invaded.

It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen.
But they are all over the house.
I don't think I have ever seen this many over my entire life.
I have seen more of these in the past week than I have seen mosquitoes all summer.
I have discovered that Lady Bugs freak me out.

Bob Vila, he ain't!

My landlord is a sweet man. He is the best landlord I have had in a long time. Very helpful and willing to fix anything that goes wrong. You will noticed I used 'willing' and left out the 'able'.

He came for the rent and noticed the paint peeling off the door jam. "I must get over and put a coat of paint on that. I got some pretty yellow."

I figured, sure, the house is yellow, will be fine.

I came home to this.



I think they use the same color for those yellow lines on the road. I wonder if it glows in the dark? I don't think I can wait to find out.

I hope he is not too offended when he sees I have already started to paint over it with white.



He probably should not give up his day job.

You say 'licking windows' like it's a bad thing.

Someone sent this in an email to me. I nearly pissed myself laughing.

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote liberal or occasionally shit yourself.......

You hang in there sunshine,You're fucking special.

Too fuckin' funny!

Happy Thanksgiving.

I guess not everyone loves a Mac.

And this is an actual Mac owner.

A 'life-changing sum of money'.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Department™ my name is blah blah blah..."

She starts out by telling me that No.rt.on has sent her a virus. I try to assure her that this would not be something No.rt.on would do intentionally. However, she insists that they did it so she would not win a sweepstakes that she has been trying to win for 6 years. She refers to it as a 'life-changing sum of money' over and over.(she changes her voice when she says it) They knew she was close and they wanted to stop her.(of course they did)

"The woman at No.rt.on warned me not to format my computer and Oprah told me that if I called Mic.ro.so.ft I wouldn't win the 'life-changing sum of money', but I have to get this virus off."

Did she say Oprah? What?

"I want my computer completely wiped clean and the windows reinstalled."

Cool, the woman may be looney tunes but this is the simplest call on even her planet. Nuke and Pave.

All is well until we get to the 'delete partition' part of the install.

"I am not comfortable with deleting the partition."

"If you want the hard drive completely wiped, this is what we have to do."

"I am not comfortable with deleting the partition."

I explain to her that if she wants to make sure she gets all the virus, we have to delete the partition. I explain to her that deleting the partition is not really deleting anything except the containers that the space is in. Like two bags of bananas, we are just deleting the bags, not the bananas.

"I am not comfortable with deleting the partition."

The woman is a broken record. "Well, at the beginning of this call we agreed that you wanted your computer completely wiped. If you want to start over and just repair the windows we can, but if there is was a virus before, it will still be there when we are done."

Hell, you have already defied Oprah, what the hell do you have to lose?

Once she agrees, it is pretty much a waiting game, it takes a while but the computer does pretty much all the install. So, while we wait, she decides to chat.

I won't bore you with the entire one hour conversation. Here are the key points:

- She heard about this particular sweepstakes 6 years ago on Oprah. At that time Oprah told her not to call Mic.ro.so.ft or else she would never win the 'life-changing sum of money'. Did I mention Oprah addressed her personally from the TV?

- Apparently the sweepstakes website has been trying to keep her from winning the 'life-changing sum of money', at one point they moved drug dealers into the two houses on either side of her. I kid you not.

- She invented the Roomba, she told the sweepstakes people about it years ago and they stole the idea. She got a lawyer but he wants $10,000 just to file a claim. She thinks the sweepstakes guys bought him off. They threatened that she would not win the 'life-changing sum of money' if she continued with the lawsuit.

- No.rt.on purposely sent her a virus so she would not win the 'life-changing sum of money'. They often target the sweepstakes winners and steal the money once they have won.

- Oprah will not take her calls or return her email so she has moved on to Gail. And if that doesn't work Julia Roberts was in the audience that day and told her to call her if she has any problems.

- She has purchased, over the years, all sorts of good luck charms, cristals, hats, rings, books etc. The sweepstakes website periodically make her join book clubs and such telling her if she doesn't she can't win the 'life-changing sum of money'. (yes she believes this)

In the end I feel sorry for her. I try and convince her that after 6 years it might be time to give up. Or failing that, she shouldn't pour money into something on the off chance she could win. She should only enter contests that don't require a purchase or a fee.

But she will not be swayed. She just has to win this 'life-changing sum of money', (she is in tears) for her children. (yes she has reproduced) It's her dream and she just can't give up on her dream of winning a 'life-changing sum of money'. Oprah has promised her.

I have said it a hundred times. I blame Oprah.

Apparently, so does everyone else.

Just when you had thougt you had heard it all...

Aparently everyone should go to this site and prepare themselves.

Unfortunatly, not many people are actually going to make it, but this site gives some very good advice for those of us heathens who will be left behind after the "Rapture".

Don't say you haven't been warned.

TV. She ain't what she used to be.

It used to be that actors did TV when they couldn't get a movie gig. It was a way to pay the bills till they 'made it'. Everyone's objective was to be a movie star.

Today with people going to the theaters less and less, TV has become the perfect vehicle for some former movie stars.

Gina Davis and Donald Sutherland rocked it in Commander in Chief. (Cancelled now, wonder how that went over with the old egos?)

And, of course, Donald's son Kiefer in 24.

James Woods, Shark (excellent new show on CBS).

Dennis Hopper in the E-Ring. (cancelled)

Timothy Hutton and Dana Delany in Kidnapped.

Ray Liotta in Smith.

And the big one, the West Wing, that shit was chocked full of big time stars. Again, cancelled.

I am sure they would still prefer to be movie stars. A weekly show takes a lot of time I hear, but don't you just love the fact that now they may have to actually work for a living? As opposed to 6 months on a movie that pays them millions, so they can sit on their ass for 2 years.

Nice work if you can get it.

Ask me if I care.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Technical Support Department™ my name is blah blah blah..."

I have half an hour left on my shift and I am not looking forward to my last call, I am hoping I can get the hell out of here on time.

This dude starts with 'Once upon a time...'. Fuckin great! I won't bore you with the rant, but after 25 minutes I get the following earth shattering revelations from this crayon:

M.ic.ro.sof.t has sent him a virus - Of course they have, they often send out viruses so that people will call in for the 'FREE' virus support. Bill has way too much money and he is sick of laundering it.

M.ic.ro.sof.t is hacking his computer - again, why not? After all you are a big important man with top secret information. No? Ok, you must be a bank president with pass codes to millions of dollars. Huh? No? Ok, then you must have launch codes, that must be it. No? Your kidding? What the hell makes you think anyone, let alone M.ic.ro.sof.t gives a rats ass about what you have on your computer. Get real!

M.ic.ro.sof.t is taking over the world and Bil.l Ga.te.s is the Anti-Christ - Holy shit! Get Bill on the horn, we have to warn him, the jig is up. Oh, no worries, I forgot, they are hacking this guys computer, they can erase his evidence. Whew, close one.

Turns out this guy had DELL OEM software installed on his computer, decided to install that DELL software on his Gateway/Sony Frankenstein machine and then the M.ic.ro.sof.t server says it is not genuine.

No shit, Sherlock! That is because its not!