Come on and take a free ride.

�� I just have to verify your support before I can put you through. Can I have your product ID?�

�I can�t get on the computer.�

�Ok, do you have your installation cd�s?�

�No, I got the computer as a gift, and I didn�t get any cd�s with it.�

�Well, I can put you through on our pay per incident line�.�

At this point she loses her mind

�Why should I have to pay? This computer was working fine yesterday.�

�Is it working now?�

�No.�

�Well, Dorothy, if I can�t verify that you have a retail copy of Product X, then I can�t put you through for free support.�

�Why not?� What does she mean �why not�? What does this chick want for nothing?

�Well I have no way of knowing how you obtained that software.�

�I told you, it was a gift. The person who gave me the computer didn�t give me any cd�s and he has left the state.�

�And you can�t get a hold of him?�

�No.� Ya right, this guy drops $2000 worth of computer equipment in your lap and you repay him by never speaking to him ever again.

�Well, Dorothy, without the installation cd�s or access to your computer I cannot verify your eligibility for support. I can send you through on our pay per incident line and if they can gain access to your computer and verify that it is retail you will be refunded the fee.�

You can hear in her voice that she is losing it. �I don�t understand why I should have to pay for anything. It was working fine yesterday. I don�t have money to throw away, I am on a fixed income. This is ridiculous. Can�t you just send me the cd�s.�

�No, Dorothy, I can�t. I have no way of knowing how you or your friend obtained the software. I just can�t send you free software.�

�But I am telling you how.� She just ain�t getting it. For all I know her �friend� had pirated software and just loaded it all on her computer before he jumped bail.

�So, what do I do now?�

�I would suggest if you don�t want to go through on the pay per incident that you go out and purchase retail copies of the software, at which time you would have installation cd�s and support here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.�

She is screaming now. �Why do you keep trying to make me pay? You keep trying to shove software down my throat. You are very mean, what is your name? You have a very bad attitude. I think you should be fired for not having a little compasion. Why do you keep telling me to pay. I don�t see why I should have to pay for software I already have on my computer. Why do you keep telling me to pay?� She gets the computer and software for free and she is griping about $35 to fix it.

�You keep asking me what I would suggest you do Dorothy, I am only stating your options here at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, I assure you I have nothing against you, I am just doing my job.�

�Your job sucks�

--CLICK--

Sometimes, I agree.

The patients are running the asylum.

We were asked to voice the number one concern of the customers phoning the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and also the number one concern we had personally.

Well number one with the customers has to bethe fact that when they buy a computer with Product X preinstalled they do not get support from the makers of Product X. They are �supposed� to get the support from the makers of their computer. I say supposed to because they don�t.

Either they set some ridiculous deadline for warranty (like 30 days) or their techs are such morons that they can�t help them. Apparently their training involves memorizing the speech �insert recovery disk�. So basically they can restore factory settings and that is the full extent of their technical training. Oh, and they know how to use the phone because they promise tech support and transfer them directly to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and we have to inform them that in order to get support from us, they have to pay.

And do they get angry with the makers of their computer, the asshole that sold them their piece of junk? NOOOOO, they think it is an Undisclosed Software Company� money grab conspiracy. Even when we get them to read what it says on their software �for support contact the manufacturer of your pc� they still call us bitches and con artists. Hey asshole, when I spend a couple of grand on something, I research it, I read the instructions. I read the licensing agreement. It is not my fault you are a moron. Go slap your mother.

The second thing they asked is what was our number one concern at our work place. My answer. Cubical/headset Nazis. There are literally hundreds of people working at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, and there are NOT hundreds of cubicles. You show up, and if a seat is free, you take it.

Seems simple enough, right? Wrong! You sit down and are accosted with sticky notes. DO NOT REMOVE HEADSET. DO NOT MOVE MONITOR. DO NOT REMOVE CHAIR. DO NOT CHANGE PHONE SETTINGS. BLAH BLAH FUCKIN� BLAH!

Look asshole, you show me the fuckin� receipt for this cubicle and its entire contents and I will gladly do whatever you say. News Flash! You are not the only person sitting here in a 24 hour period, get over yourself.

One guy last night had �his� headset go missing and you would think that a child had been abducted, this grown man completely lost his mind. There was a full out company wide search for the headset. They called in the search and rescue and the dogs were sniffing every crotch in the place. The guy went around searching every desk, slamming drawers and cursing. He sent out an mass email requesting the return an threatening legal action to the culprit. Quite the example he was setting for the rest of us, seeing as how he was a manager and all. It was all quite laughable, and of course, fodder for the blog.

They grow �em weird in the south.

I have to tell you that the few customers I have written about on this blog are most definitely the more saner ones. I have not had an actual crazy person myself yet but discussions around the �water cooler� can make you snort. I will paraphrase a few for you here.

One woman said her computer turned off and that she had read in the Enquirer that the martians could do that. You know, black out your computer. She was dead serious.

A man wanted to know why the Undisclosed Computer Software Company� was sending him popups on how to extend his peinis size. He was convinced that it was us that was doing it and he wanted to know where we got our information because he had told no one about his conserns about his small penis.

Another woman said that the Undisclosed Computer Software Company � was sending rocks through the internet. She could hear them in her cdrom drive but when she opened the drive, the evidence would mysteriously disappear. She wanted us to please stop at once.

A man from (we are assuming) the deep south was convinced that the FBI was hacking into his computer because he wrote a Roswellesk type newsletter. He said he needed to speak to �the boss� immediately to warn him because he felt that he would be targeted next.

The most halarious part of all these stories is that they all had retail versions of the software and had to be put through (for free) to tech support. Those guys do not make enough money.

Whadda ya want for nuttin�?

�Ya, I want to talk to a tech about this software, and I ain�t paying no bullshit charge either.�

�Ok, Sir, can you read to me everything it says on the installation disk?�

�For distribution with a new pc only, for product support contact the manufacturer of your computer.�

�Ok, and who is the manufacturer of your pc?�

�I built it myself.�

�So, how did you obtain that copy of the software?�

�The Buddy at the store sold me a broken hard drive and the software for 30 bucks and I sold the hard drive back to him for 3 bucks.�

�And now you are looking for free support?�

--CLICK--

I kid you not!

This is an actual call I took last night.

�Ya, I read in the Unmentionable PC Magazine� that Service pack 1 slows down your machine, and I was to call you to get a free patch for that.�

I get ready to direct him to the support article and he cuts me off.

�Here�s the thing. I don�t have service pack 1, where do I get it. I want to download it so I can then call you back to get the free patch.�

This guy needs to get a life. He wants to download a product that he believes to be defective, just to get something free. Ok, Moron. I direct him to the site for the service pack and the article that talks him through the patch process. Then I thank him for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.


---CLICK---

Little does he know, that all the free �patch� does, is uninstall the service pack. But Hey, he obviously doesn�t have anything better to do.

What ever happened to the good ol� days of illiteracy?

People need to stop reading. Print, that is. This is the computer age for Christ�s sake! And if you insist on reading things you don�t understand, stop calling me.

�Ya, I read this article in an Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� that said Service Pack 1 will slow down my computer and I want the patch.�

�The patch sir?� (Service pack 1 is a compilation of patches and hotfixes to the program. It is, in itself, a patch of sorts)

�Ya, I want it.�

�When did you install Service Pack 1?�

�A couple months ago.�

�And when did you read this article?�

I quickly bring up the article (not his, but ours) concerning this issue.

You may experience slower computer performance after you install the 811493 security update package on a computer that is running Product X Service Pack 1 (SP1), or after you upgrade to SP1 on a Product X-based computer on which the 811493 security update was previously installed. This problem may be more likely to occur if you use some features of some third-party programs, such as antivirus programs. For example, this problem may occur if your antivirus program is configured to scan all files when you open (or you run) them. This is sometimes called "real-time" scanning.

�Yesterday.�

�And you are just noticing the slow down now.�

�No, everything seems to be working fine, but Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� told me I needed the patch. Can I have it please? It says right in the article to call this number to request a patch for free.� (If they told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that? Well would you? Please.)

(Ok, if this moron insists on reading)

�Sir I would like to direct you to our support page, where you will find an article that will answer all your questions (if you weren�t such a crayon) as well as step-by-step instructions on how to solve your problem.�

�I don�t have a problem, I just want the patch. The article says you have to give it to me.�

�First of all sir, the Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� is in no way affiliated with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. What we can do is direct you to the articles at our own site to correct your problem.�

�I said there is no problem.�

�Well sir, the sole purpose of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� is to reslove problems with your Product X, if you have no problem then I can�t help you.�

�I�m not running Product X.� (and that in a nut shell is his whole problem, he downloaded a service pack for a product that he didn�t even have. Welcome to my world.)

�Well, Sir, the slowdown is only with Product X�
--CLICK-- He probably hung up to call his congressman. (ya, that�s it)

I think the first problem that this guy is having is that he is reading a magazine that should really come with a disclaimer.

---�If your mother and father were brother and sister, please do not read this magazine.---
---May contain words with more than one syllable.�---

You just can't make this shit up.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel. How can I help you.

�Ya, I need help installing your stupid Product X software. I have been trying for hours, what kind of a stupid product is this, nothing is working. Put me through to a technician or I swear I will get rid of all this shit and buy a XYZ computer.�

�Ok, sir, lets see what we can do. Do you have the installation cd?�

�Yes.�

�Can you read to me everything it says on that cd?�

�It just says Product X.�

�Is that all?� (I am trying to determine if this crayon has support. Wether he has a retail version or OEM?)

�Yes�

�It doesn�t� say anything else?�

�Nope, just Product X, and a really long number.�

�Sir, is it written in black marker?�

�Ya.�

I wait a beat till his brain catches up to him. (ok, two beats).

--CLICK--

Happy Mother�s Day Yawl!

Mother�s day at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� started out uneventful.

It was pretty slow since all the halfwits were apparently busy dropping off the weed whackers that they bought their dear old mom�s for Mother�s Day, we pretty much sat around doing next to nothing.

Not as enjoyable as you might think. I found myself trying to chat up the few people that did call, just to alleviate the boredom.

I even had an argument with one guy who insisted that I could not possibly be in the Canada, since he did not call Canada. And, furthermore, if it was indeed true he was "madder 'en hell" for being �tricked� into calling long distance for support.

I tried to explain to him that his call was routed through Seattle, but since he was not sharp enough to change his own fonts, without coughing up $35 for tech support, it was useless to try and get him to grasp telephone routing procedures. After assuring him that if he was to incur (believe me I did not use that word) long distance charges they would be totally refunded, he replied, �Damn straight, I will. Not falling for some sneaky C�nadien.�

Okey Dokey! Yup, us sneaky C�nadiens, we control the long distance y�know. It�s all a big conspiracy. Trick the Yanks into calling us and trap �em, take their guns and sell them whale blubber.

Like we would bother to trick these crayons. It�s too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel.

�Y�all come back naw, y�heer!�

Halarious Sad, but true.

This is quite possibly the funniest site I have been to in a long time. It will be listed posthaste on my link bar.

Just a taste:

She keeps making me carry tampons around - 'Here, have these, just in case.'
'Oooooooh, why can't you carry them?'
'I've got no pockets.'
Then, of course, I forget about them. And the next time I'm meeting The Duchess of Kent or someone I pull a handkerchief out of my pocket and shower feminine hygiene products everywhere.

You must read it to believe it.

New policy at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

The management in their infinite wisdom have decided that we should warm transfer all customers. Warm transfer means that we actually call the new number, introduce the two parties and then hang up.

This is a really bad idea. Especially for OEM. If any of you have ever tried to call Dell or Compaq or any other computer manufacturer you are no doubt aware that their telephone menu systems are complete nightmares. To top it all off, I can�t work the phone worth shit.

Computers are no problem to me, but give me a phone with more than the obligatory number keys and I am a total vegetable.

After hooking three people in a row and sitting on hold for half an hour with Bestbuy I decided that I would change the policy for myself. No more warm transfers for me. It doesn�t work, anyway. The people I didn�t hang up on were people who had to call back because someone else had hooked them. So it isn�t just me.

This is a bad policy. Not only are we pissing the people off that we are hooking, but we are pissing the rest of them off because we are so tied up on hold with OEM that they can�t get through for hours.

Silence is golden.

Is it just me or does it seem that as soon as someone on Survivor thinks they have the upper hand, they are the next to be voted out?

Roger, Dena, Alex, Christy and now Heidi. They usually make a speech and say something really stupid about how they have things wrapped up during the tribal council and �BOOM� they are outta there.

You would think after 5 in a row that people would learn to keep their fucking mouth shut.

And Heidi�s speech was priceless. �I am the mastermind behind half of the plots so far.� Is she on crack? Her and Jenna must be sharing a brain.

I have to say that out of all of them Rob is the smartest. He lies to them, gets caught in that lie and still they trust him. Shades of Richard Hatch.

I think the final two will be Matt and Rob, and Matt will take it in the end.

We�ll see.

A Big ol� ray of sunshine.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, could I have your name please?�

�Dave�

�How can I help you, Dave?�

�I can�t get my fuckin computer to work.�

�Ok, Dave, as a customer service representative�.blah blah blah�(I am paraphrasing, but you get that don�t you, blah blah blah is frowned upon at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�)

A couple of questions later we determine:

A) It�s a clone - built this puppy with his own two hands.
B) He�s running software version 3.1 - obsolete, it was released in April of �92
C) He has an OEM version - supported by manufacturer, which in this case would be him.

I explain the above to him.

�The only option I have for you today would be our self help website��

�I want to talk to a person, I don�t want the fuckin� website.�

�Well Dave, the software you are running is considered obsolete and no longer supported by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. If you would like to try�.�

�Your just trying to get me to pay some fuckin� charge, its all a money grab for your guys.�

�Actually, Dave, no I couldn�t take your money because, as I said, your product is obsolete and no longer supported by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. There is no one here trained on that software.�

�Are you telling me that I paid hundreds of dollars for this software and I can�t get any support?� (ya, like he paid hundreds of dollars 10 years ago, he probably got it last week at a yard sale.)

�Well, sir if you check our website it does state that software has a lifecycle. And it clearly states that software has mainstream support for up to 5 years and online support for 8, the software you are running is over 10 years old."

�What about the hundreds of people out there that are forced to use your software only to be abandoned by you after a few years?�

�Sir, are you saying that I should still have warranty on my �57 Chevy?�

CLICK.

God, I love this job.

Time, Gentlemen, please.

It�s 12:58am at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and I am off at one. I was just about to sign off my phone when the fuckin� thing rings. Ok, I hope it is a quick one.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, may I have your name please?�

�Jess, me nayme isa Madia? Mooay cumputair is no work.� At least that is what I think she said.

FUCK ME GENTLY! I have 2 minutes till quittin� time and I got fucking Charo on the line. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Now I am thinking, what possessed the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� to discontinue the Spanish Line?

�Mariea? What seems to be the problem?� She doesn�t hear me, so I have to speak much louder.

She starts rambling and I can�t understand a word she is saying. I rack my brain on how to get rid of her as quickly as possible, hoping like hell she is OEM so I can pass her off to Dell or some such place. I am trying to get a word in edgewise to determine this when I hear,

�...en it no go off�

�Mariea, are you saying your computer will not turn off?� , this sends the whole line of cubicles into fits of laughter.

�Jess�

I have to put her on mute because I am about to have an aneurism from holding my own laughter.

Gaining control of myself, �Have you tried the power button?�

�Eees no ting say power?�

�Well, no, but there is a button on the front of the computer itself that if you push it in, it will turn the computer off.�

�no, jus computer on, no off� Oh, they do not pay me enough for this shit.

�Mariea, it is the same button for off and for on.�

�I push and it go off?�

�Yes, Mariea, try it now.�

�ju want I push?�

�Yes please, Mariea.�

�It go black�

�Ok, so its off, is there anything else I can do for you Mariea?� Please say no, please say no.

�Jess� FUCK! I am banging my head on the desk now, and everyone around me is again in fits of laughter. Why did I say it? Because I have been conditioned by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� to say it, that�s why.

�Tomorrow I push, and it come on?�

�Yes, Mariea, it will come back on when you push it again.�

�I do now, ju wait.�

She says something in Spanish that I take to indicate that she is truly amazed at the magical on/off button.

�O-J� and with that she promptly hangs up on me. No �thank you�, nothing. Its 1:15am, and I am so preconditioned that I say, to the dead air, �Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, have a nice day.�

Fun and Games at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. My name is Evel, may I have your name please?

�No, I want to be transferred to tech support right now.�

He has stumped me. But I go on with my schpeal.

�As a customer service representative, I will be working with you to see how the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� can best assist you. May I have your telephone number starting with the area code please?�

�No, I have been transferred around to different numbers all day and I am not doing it any more, I want tech support now!�

�Sir, I can�t transfer you unless�..�

�I am telling you right now, I will not give you any information, I gave it to the last three people I talked to and I am tired of it. Just put me through.�

Now what do I do?

�Well sir, if I don�t know what type of tech support you need I will be unable to transfer you to the proper group. And if I just send you to one and it turns out to be the wrong one, they will just transfer you back to me and we will have to begin again.�

Silence.

�What kind of fucking outfit are you running� over there at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I paid a lot of money for this shit and now I need support and you have to ask me a hundred questions before I can get any help.�

�Well sir, we ask these questions so that we can transfer you properly and you will receive help faster.�

He ain�t buying it. This is about 10 min into the call and I still don�t know this assholes name.

�Why can�t you just transfer me to tech support.�

I am wondering now if he thinks its just me and another guy here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I take the information and Gerry over there talks them through their problem. This is a very large company we are talking about. There are hundreds of tech support people and not all of them here, there are many locations across the country as well as overseas and in the US.

�Well sir, first I have to determine your support options and then I transfer you to the tech support that deals with your specific problem. One group deals with X but knows nothing about Y or Z, so I need to know exactly which product you have.�

He begrudgingly gives up his phone number. Finally I can find this guy in the system. Lo and behold there is already a case number assigned to him. I have the assholes name. (I want to call him Bubba, but I resist the urge)

�Dave, can I ask if you are calling on a continuing issue?�

�As a matter of fact I am!�

For the love of God, why didn�t he just say that in the first place, I could have brought up the case and he would have been transferred in seconds. But no, this guy had to be a hard ass.

�Did they give you a case number, can I have that please?�

�No, I told you I am not repeating myself one more time.�

Ok there is more than one way to skin a cat.

�That�s fine Dave, I can search through your file for the case number if you are unwilling to read it off the paper you are holding in your hand, hold please.�

CLICK!

I let him sit on hold for 3 minutes while I laugh about him with my coworkers. When I come back on the line I talk very slowly so he will have to wait that much longer to be transferred. I go through the case and ask him questions, (to determine if it is the same issue) give him the hours of operation for the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, the self help website etc, etc. He is really steamed now.

Again, very slowly, �Before I transfer you, is there anything else I can help you with today Dave?�

�Oh for Christ�s sake would you just transfer me?�

�Ok, Dave, (extra slowly) if there is nothing else I can help you with I will be transferring you now to the next available agent in our X product group. I want to thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, and you have a good day. B-bye.�

He is cursing in the background while I transfer him. The entire call took just over 16 minutes.

I love my job.

Words of Wisdom

Men are like a fine wine.

They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

You really do get what you pay for.

Spent all day yesterday at my sisters while my car was being �fixed�. And, you guessed it, it is still not fixed.

Got it back at 8 last night and the guy says that he has to wait for a part. Big surprise! I had dropped it off at 8 in the morning, why couldn�t he have determined then that he needed a part and then he would have had all day to locate it.

Instead he waits till 5pm to look at it and of course no auto parts stores are open so now I have to give up my day off next week as well. I hate mechanics.

And the worst of it is is that I can�t complain really because I am not paying for this �work� to be done. I wish I had never taken it to my Brother-in-law�s guy, I would sooner pay through the nose to get the fuckin� thing fixed properly than get shoddy work done for free.