Soothing this savage beast.

I need to stop thinking about this job interview. I need some soothing music. Dig out the Andrea Bocelli, Josh Groban et al. I will share some of it here. I tell you, those Italians know how to turn a phrase.

I am a complete sucker for an Italian accent. No matter what they say, it sounds beautiful. They could be telling you to eat shit, and it sounds so good you actually consider it. And the Spaniards are no hacks either.

Of my love you are so sure
So sure you can take it with you
Cupped in the hands that you raise to your face
As you still think of me.
And if you need to, you can show it to the world.
              From Sogno(Dream)

Or this one:

All you'll know for sure
is the more she makes you suffer
the more you find you love her.
              From Nel Cuore Lei

Or this one:

Forget about me
And let me go on alone with my solitude
Go away, go on and tell me goodbye
And I will resign myself to go on without your love
And I will never understand what happened
If there's nothing I can do, go away.
              From Alejate - that button you have been avoiding
              over there on the left, my current favorite.

There is something about hearing it in another language (not necessarily Italian) that makes my toes curl. I need soothing music, since the boys father just visited me. I know what you are thinking, that we got in a huge fight and I need to calm down. It was quite the opposite, which is more disturbing. He was civil. He showed up and the boy was not here. We "chatted" (yes, I said chatted) and he turned to leave and said, "Want a coffee?", I said sure. Then the boy came home and they drove off. I figured that was the end of it.

No, they came back with coffee. He and the boy sat at my kitchen table and we chatted for about an hour. Very civilized, even jovial. This makes me uneasy.

We have been apart for 13 years, yet he usually acts like I punched him in the head yesterday. He rarely has a civil word for me. But every once in a while he throws this at me, no idea what is up. Last week he dropped off the child support early, without being asked for it. I refer to these episodes as the signs of the apocalypse.


As promised a list of songs I am soothing myself with:

Sogno(Dream) - Andrea Bocelli
Broken Vow - Josh Groban
Con Te Partiro - Bocelli
Vivire - Bocelli (with Gerardina Trovato)
Nel Cuore Lei - Bocelli (with Eros Ramazzotti)
Alejate - Groban
Stary Stary Night - Groban

Although these are soothing, you also need the visual (it all helps with the mood). Bocelli and Groban.



Eros Ramazzotti is not too fuckin' hard to look at either.



Ok, I will stop now. I am calm.

Sign from God.

Got this in an email today.



Think it's a sign? It could mean, I got it or I should be looking elsewhere. Then again, it could just mean I have to beef up the anti-spam filters.

Tick, Tick, Tick, BOOM!

This process of getting a new TM for pro in place could move very quickly.

The new pro class starts training on Monday. I have heard that they would want the new TM in place by the time that class hits the floor. Training is 7 days. SEVEN DAYS! That's it!

That could limit the people who actually get interviews. They just woundn't have time to interview everyone, and I believe that 13 have applied.

I could be stressing for nothing.

Time well wasted.

Stolen from Iced Water. Yet another pointless list of questions, Enjoy!

There are TWO rules when answering these questions:
1) Only ONE answer to each. Of course its tough - thats the point!
2) Each blog/blogger may only be used ONCE (gonna break this one....can't be helped.)

What blogger inspired you to FINALLY start a blog?
Brian from Life in New York City, although he doesn't blog anymore. But he does have a cool photoblog.

What blog do you visit the most often everday?
My 2 Second Shelf Life

What blogger do you think you have the most in common with?
That would be Natalie, I think we have a lot of the same attitudes.

Which blog can you be sure will make you pee a little you laugh so hard?
Radmilla's. Her mother cracks me up.

Which blogger leaves you the best/funniest comments?
Comments? That would have to be Boz.

Which blog do you wish more people would read?
Uh, mine? Is this a trick question?

Which blog do you learn the most from?
Learn? We are supposed to be learning? HMMMMM?

What blog is your newest addition?
Constant Digression

Who has been on your blogroll the longest?
That would be Brian.

Whose blogroll would you LOVE find yourself on?

Time out!

Ok, guess I am halfway through this little list and I find my attention to it wanning. There are always questions on these lists that you either have no answer for or you are just not interested in answering. Not that they are stupid questions but I rarely find myself wishing I was someone else, or could do this or that like someone else, or "OOO I wish someone liked me enough to link me", not happening. So, some of these will be answered and some not. Deal with it.

Whose bloglinker list were you the happiest to find yourself on?
The very first one, can't remember who it was but the first time you are linked it is a little thrilling. Oh and Iced Water. ;-)

If you could write like any blogger, who would it be?

What blogger are you the happiest you've "met?"
Never met any face to face.

Which blog do you recommend the most? Radmilla, did I mention her mother cracks me up?

Who is the next person you'll add to your bloglinker list?
Indiscretions.

Who is the blogger you hope to meet in "real" life?

Which blogger do you admire?
That would have to be Darling Nikki 6 kids and still has a full head of hair.

Who would you trust with your blog while you were away?
Trust no one!

Which blog has your favorite design?
That would be Emily at I don't think.

How many blogs are on your blogroll(s)
This is embarassing....252.

I had a dream.

Last night I had the craziest dream. I dream in color by the way, I am told that is not all that common.

Anyway, the dream. In my dream I was in a theater, but the theater was marked off in stalls, not cubes, stalls, but I was at work. Each stall had a shower and a toilet, every time I tried to take a shower or use the toilet the phone would ring and some asshole would walk into my stall to tell me what a crappy day he was having. It was endless.

I finally cracked and beat the 'caller' to death with my plunger. Propped the body up against the stall door and took a piss then a shower. My team manager (who was Richard Gere, nice) called me into his stall to discuss what we should do with the body. I said, "Who cares." and he stuck his tongue down my throat.

All in all, a pretty damn good dream. Any armchair psychologists want to wrap your brain around that one? Feel free.

All I can say is, I woke up refreshed.

Ok, this time I really mean it.

I said I wasn't going to fuck with the resume, but I totally forgot about doing the company website at my last job.

So here I sit, at 3am, fighting with Word (I am sorry but I hate that fucking product) so I can add a couple lines without fucking the whole thing up.

Did I mention I hate the shit out of Word. I much prefer, Publisher. Which is still a MS product so I may not be shot for it in the parking lot.

Ok, really done now.

Stick a fork in me.

I screwed around with my resume for 2 days, as of this moment I am done. I refuse to fuck with it any longer. Thanks so much Shelley for your help. Nice to have an expert on board.

Although I doubt it's going to make a bit of difference. Judging from some of the people that got TM's in this god forsaken place, there is no predicting what the power's that be are looking for. A couple of them (as far as I can tell) got TM cuz they were pretty.

If that is the case, I am totally screwed. I am officially this second putting it out of my mind. The stupid thing is set in stone as far as I am concerned.

If they don't like it this time, I give up.

I am not feeling the love.

I have been sitting in front of this computer all day. Obsessing over this stupid resume. Is there too much bullshit in it? Is there not enough bullshit? What is just the right amount of bullshit? If there are any resume guru's out there, I would love to get some feedback. But you are probably all asleep. Damn.

I need my TM and he is still not back. I also want to know who else is applying. I need to stop fucking with this stupid resume. It is making my eyes cross. Why can't I just tell them I could do the job with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back and be done with it.

I am too long in the tooth for all this bullshit. Not to mention the asskissing, I just don't have the bone structure for it anymore.

TOP SECRET!

(Originally July 2, 2004)

This post will have to be draft for now, since I am not supposed to know this or let anyone else know I know it. Which for me is excruciatingly painful.

It's a long post so brace yourselves.

Last night my TM, G, is over talking to a bunch of us and we are discussing phone stats. Everyone is always worried about their stats. I just looked at him and said,

"You know they are bullshit right? They set the stats, and it seems like they do everything they can to make sure you can't hit them." For instance, they don't want you to use hold too much, but then they want you to warm transfer customers, which if you have ever tried to contact DELL, is a long drawn out process.

"Why are you all sweating those stats, you are never going to hit them, your just stressing yourself out needlessly." Like the pay for performance bullshit they shoveled out to us. Hit these customer satisfaction metrics 3 months in a row and we get a bonus. "If we get paid, I will eat Jackie's hat."

Jackie, "Hey! I like this hat!"

"Oh please, your hat is in no danger of being eaten."

He leans over and signs me off my phone. "Come with me." Great.

"What?"

"It's nothing bad."

We go into the huddle room, "You didn't hear this from me." I love it when they say that. "No one is supposed to know this, but they are going to hire another TM for pro and Senior lead reps, you need to apply."

"I tried that before, and I didn't even get a letter of rejection."

"Did you go for resume feedback?"

"No, another thing I think is bullshit." If you are familiar at all with the new corporate earth, you know that all they are looking for now in resumes now is how much you can bullshit, well I am not good at bullshit. In my day, you couldn't just say you could do something, you had to back it up. Not so today, you lie like a rug and if you get the job, bullshit your way past the stuff you don't know. It's bullshit.

We talked about the last hire of TM's and I told him I got a hold of a couple of resumes from the ones who got the job, because a couple of them were really bothering me, and sure enough one guy flat out lied about places he had worked and his qualifications. "What is the use? It's not what you know, its how much you are willing to lie about what you know."

"Send me your resume and I will get H (another TM) to help beef your resume up." apparently H, took a bunch of 'bullshit on your resume' courses.

"I feel like you are at the point where if you don't move on, you are going to move out, and I don't' want to see that happen. You are at the same point I was when I applied for TM. I know the feeling and I want to help you. I don't want to see you quit."

We are leaving the huddle room, "I am going to poke myself in the eye and come out saying "Ok, just don't hit me again!" sound like fun?"

"You wouldn't dare!" If I thought I could keep a straight face I would.

So, my TM thinks I would make a good TM. You know what? That is better than any phone stats. So whether I get TM or SLR, the pay is better and the bullshit is less. Well maybe not less, but I would be the one dishing it out instead of taking it.

UPDATE

They finally posted the position. The posting is open from July 6-8.

WTF? I am off the 6th and 7th. How the hell am I going to get my resume all bullshitted up in two days. My TM, G, doesn't come back from his little vacation till tomorrow.

I swear they look at my schedule and work around it and not in a good way. Every time they have a pizza day, or a natcho day, its always on my day off. I am starting to get a complex.

I will let you know how this round of bullshit resume submitting goes.

It is what you think!

My last call of a gruelling Monday in the PPA. I was really having a bad one. I was so pissed at the support professionals, that at the end of it I was just saying, "Whatever, just transfer them to me and I will take care of it." I was just so tired of arguing with them about doing their own job. And there was only a 10% chance that they could work the phone enough to actually perform the transfer so it worked out for me. Anyway, this is the last call I took last night.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center? my name is blah blah blah..."

"I am getting something really weird, there is this little box in the middle of my screen that says ACTIVE WINDOW and inside that it says WINDOWS TEXT. No matter what settings I change its still there, and I don't want it there."

I wasn't catching on right away with what he was saying, "You mean on your desktop you have this box, is it an error message? Have you tried just X'ing it out?"

He is speaking to me in a tone of voice that would suggest that he is trying to solve a crime, sort of Sherlock Holmes'ish. Wish I could describe it better, but he was dead fucking serious.

"No, that's the thing, it isn't really on my desktop, but it shows a picture of my desktop in the background."

NO FUCKING WAY. "Can you read to me everything else that surrounds that little box?" I turn to my co-workers with a look on my face that says, you are not going to believe this one.

"Yes, its very strange, and its freaking me out. There is an ok and a cancel button, and in one box it says Windows Theme, then there is ..."

"Hold it Mark, are you in the Display Properties?"



"YES! That is where I found this, and no matter what I change it always has that little box in the center that says ACTIVE WINDOW and Window Text. It is really freaking me out."

I put my head down on my desk. This can't be happening to me. First I have to explain this to a person who A: believes that this is something that is not right with his computer, and B: thought it was worth investigating and calling me.

How do I do this without making this person feel like a complete idiot. "Ok, Mark, I see where you are now." OK poor choice of words.

"You can see my screen?!"

"No, I mean I realize what it is you are looking at. The display properties window is where you can customize the look of your computer. The screen you are describing is where you would change the themes, if you notice, where it says Windows XP(Modified) you can change the different themes, but inside that box you will see Active Windows and window text. That is a sample of how the fonts will show in the Active window and how the fonts will appear inside that window. It is just a sample so you can see how it will look before you apply it. It does not mean that there will be a window superimposed on your desktop that looks like that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure."

"OK, so if I hit apply this box is not going to appear on my desktop? I am getting this straight from the horses mouth? Cuz this is really freaking me out."

"I swear to God, Mark, it is just there to show you how with each theme the active window and windows text might appear different, depending on the settings."

I swear sometimes I am on Candid Camera. Of course they couldn't do it on Candid camera, cuz this shit really does happen.

Stickin' to my guns.

Been trying to deal with 'the boy' a little differently. In the last few months he has been absolutely impossible to live with. I 'get' that he doesn't want to do housework, but does he have to go out of his way to make it worse? All he does is put his hand out for money, and bitch if I don't have any to give him. Meanwhile, the dishes are piled up in the sink and the garbage has not been taken out.

So I sat him down. I told him that I would no longer finance his activities unless he started to participate in this life with me. I told him that I love him, but the last couple months I haven't liked him very much. I work 10 hour days, and all I ever get out of it is coffee and cigarettes. I refuse to continue this way.

That means, no movies, no internet, no skateboards, no allowance till he starts pitching in. So far I have gotten nothing from him, but soon, he will become bored. I think maybe he is under the impression that I cannot control what he does when I am gone. But I have a padlock on my bedroom door, once I lock it, there is no way for him to access the internet till I come home.

I know what you are thinking, I will probably cave. But not this time, life is too short to be fuckin' around with it. I am not going to be miserable, if I can help it.

Did you miss your independence day?

On Sunday, the Fourth of July, millions of U.S. citizens will fire up the barbeque and shoot off fireworks in celebration of the Declaration of Independence, a now-sacred document that declares the independence of what were then 13 united colonies from England.
But the Continental Congress voted for the Declaration of Independence on the second of July in 1776. No one signed it until August 2, and the last signatures didn't come until the end of November.

Pauline Maier, a professor of U.S. history and authority on the American Revolution, said that "in 1777, Congress didn't think of recalling the event until it was too late to celebrate the second, and the fourth became standard."

Read the full story here.
Link stolen from constant digression.

I may have some fun with this information at work.

I can't stand it!

My TM takes me into the huddle room last night. "You didn't hear this from me, but...This can't go any further than this room, because no one is supposed to know this, but..."

The fact that I have information that no one else knows and I can't spill my guts about it is killing me!

But I will keep my mouth shut about it, because it could turn out to be very good for me. I have written it all up in a draft that I will publish at a later date. Hopefully the outcome will be beneficial.

Damn!

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

I am woman...hear me roar!

I spent the day looking for a part for my BBQ. The knob had seazed. You know what? You can find every single part of a BBQ except the fuckin' knob.

Finally ran into a friends husband at the Canadian Tire and he said, "Have you tried soaking it in WD30?"

Why the hell didn't any of the other 40 men I spoke to today suggest that? Long story short, after soaking the fucker for 3 hours and another hour of brute force I finally got it back together and working.

Basically I beat it into submission. And just finished eating steak and baked potatoes. MMMM

Did ya vote?

They are complaining this morning that there was only 60% voter turn out nationally for this election. Gee I wonder why?



Have you ever seen anything so ridiculous? Fourteen different parties? For the love of God! Marxist-Lennist???? WTF?

I do not feel one bit guilty for not voting. It was the stupidest ballot on the planet.

Messed Up Department.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is ...blah blah blah.

"Yay yus, my inna neyat has sars." Lord, give me strength.

"What exactly is happening."

"Nuttin is workin, I think I got sars. Kin ya hep me?" You need medical attention, not technical support.

"Ok, but you have to describe exactly what is happening." I may be confusing him with all these words with more than one syllable.

"Nuttin, its just messed up." I am losing patience, and raising my voice.

"Ok, Cleetus,I need to know exactly what error message you are getting if any, you have to describe to me exactly what is happening on your screen, 'its just messed up' is not enough to go on! We do not have a department for 'messed up' here at the Undisclosed Customer Software Company�"

"I see, I giss I will cawl beck." WTF? Is he waiting for us to develop a department for brain dead rednecks?

Maybe we should.

Best way to get your call times up? Argue with an asshole.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Blah Blah Blah, may I have your name please?"

"No." Very funny.

"Can I have your name please?"

"I said no and I mean no, what do you need that for?" Ok, I am too tired and cranky to deal with attitude.

"I don't need it, but you are not getting any farther than me without providing some information." Period.

This asshole decides to go on and on about his problem. He downloaded some "crap" off the internet and now he is having problems. I ask him what program he downloaded, he tells me (not a MS product).

"Ok, not sure why you are calling me."

"Ah...a little thing called wi.ndo.ws?"

"Did your wi.ndo.ws work before you did this?"

"Ya."

"Ok, still not understanding why you are calling me."

"Oh, that's a great attitude."

"Excuse me? You copped an attitude with me at the beginning of this call, now if you want to provide me with some info I can see if we can help you."

He goes off in another direction, he asks where I am located. When I tell him, Canada, he says. "Man we shouldn't have stopped at the border we should have kept on invading."

"Ya, well I think your forefathers got the hint when we burned down the white house that that might be a bad idea." This is the point where my co-workers look at me like I am nuts.

"Oh ya, well at least we stole hockey from you."

I am bored so I go with it."Good luck finding an actual Americans playing on those teams. They don't have much luck when it comes to the Olympics where they have to have actual Americans. Canadians still kick butt."

I try and get him back on track. "Why don't we get some info about your product and try and get your issue resolved? Can I have your product key?"

"Why do you need that?"

"Humor me." He gives me the key and surprise surprise, its pirated. I try and explain it to him, "So, you understand why I can't offer you assistance on that software."

"Why not?" He is not getting it.

"Because it is STOLEN." Had to dumb it down for him.

"Ok, so what if I wanted to go back to 98?"

"It is out of warranty, so it would cost you 35 bucks for support."

"What? I paid a lot of money for this and it is out of warranty? That is crap."

"And its old, software has a life span, it can't be warrantied forever."

"But I still own it, like my car, its 10 years old but I still drive it."

"I'm sure you paid a lot of money for that too, I would think you would be more upset that the warranty ran out on that." I am tired, and this guy is boring me.

"So, you are saying you won't help me."

"Not with the stolen software, go out and purchase your own, and call us back, we can help then."

"Maybe I will just go out and buy a M.ac"

"Totally up to you, but good luck finding software that isn't MS." I am done with this guy.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Computer Software Company�, you have a nice day."

Conversation with SUV Guy.

Hey SUV Guy, I have really enjoyed following you through the rain for the past 20 minutes. It is really not distracting at all that you slow down and speed up every few minutes, usually coinciding with my attempts to pass.

No,really, I don't need you to go any particular speed. You pick one, change your mind, whatever. I will just stay right here, behind you.

And no, I don't care that you don't use your turn signal, it's really none of my business where you go. And it is totally ok that you changed your mind three times. It has just been a happy coincidence that we seem to be going in the same direction.

Speed limits, stop signs, turn signals even those pesky yellow lines down the center of the road? Merely suggestions. You do whatever you like, I am sure when they wrote the rules of the road they meant to say, "that goes for everyone except SUV Guy".

I am just enjoying the view of your back bumper, and fantasizing about blowing your fucking brains out at the next light.

You have a nice day.

2 years, 3 months and 13 days.

And only 505 posts. What a slacker I am.

I was just catching up with Emily's blog and I realized that I missed my blogs second anniversary. It was on March 10th, and I totally forgot. Time flies when you are having fun?

I didn't even post on that day. I was in the middle of getting a tattoo and the depo shot, so I can say I was traumatized at the time, right? Ya sure.

Oh well, Happy Belated Anniversary, Blog!

The many moods of Evel.

      

    


I am easily addicted.

Time well wasted.

Just thought I would show you the buddy icon I made, thanks to link from Radmilla.



Oh, and Happy Father's Day to all who deserve it, that includes mothers.

Lord, give me strength.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�...blah blah blah.

The woman on the other end, Maria, is very upset. She can't get on the internet. She is with Ne.tz.er.o, when she tries to get on the internet it tells her she has to have AOhelL. Throughout her long and boring story she does not mention one MS product. When I try and find out what MS product she is using she is notforthcomingg. Perhaps I can get her to walk through the process and see if she is using MSIE.

"Ok, what do you click on to get on the internet."

"Ne.tz.er.o." Ok, that didn't work.

"But once you get online do you use MSIE to surf?"

"No. It's Ne.tz.er.o."

"Ok, Maria, but this is MS. If I can't determine you are having a problem with a MS product, I can't help you. Let's go through the steps and see if you are. Click on the icon you use to connect to the internet."

"I can't touch the computer, I am on the phone."

"That's fine, it won't connect but I need you to do it."

"NO! I can't touch it, I am on the phone."

"Maria, it won't connect to the internet but I need you to open that program or we can't go any further."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, you are making me feel like an idiot!" Your kidding right? "I CAN'T TOUCH THE COMPUUUUUUUUTERRRRRR, I AM ON THE PHOOOOOOONNNNNE!" She is not kidding. She is bawling. This woman makes dirt seem intelligent.

After swearing to her that nothing catastrophic was going to happen if she clicked on that icon, she finally agreed. I had an evil grin on my face, if it was the last thing I did, I was going to get her through to a technician here. A couple weeks in this Q and I have a mean streak a mile long. I wish I could be a fly in the cubiclel of the tech that gets her. I just know I am going to hell.

Everything bad is my fault. The father gets credit for everything else.

The boy has been talking about a school trip to PEI for a week now. I really wanted everything to go as he planned. I even sat on my last 20 bucks in case his father didn't come through. Well yesterday, the principal calls me, the boy has not passed in his permission slip, he has been carrying it around for a week. JEEZ! That gets straightened out. The bus left at 7am this morning, they have to catch the ferry at 8am. You may now direct your eyes to the time stamp.

6:51AM - I am in a dream and I hear a siren. It's getting closer, I wake up just as the boy is crashing through my door. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH" He is running in spot. "MOM!!!! YOU DIDN'T WAKE ME UP, IT'S 8 O'CLOCK!!!! I MISSED THE BUS!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?"

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! You had the alarm, you did not wake you up."
He has now thrown himself down on the floor beside my bed, he is still screaming. Of course this is my fault.

I am awake now, it is NOT 8 it is 6:52am. I pick up the phone and call the school. The bus has not left. I grab the boy and throw clothes at him, "GET DRESSED" I throw his carefully chosen lunch into his bag and a pair of shorts in after it, and throw all into the car. I feed him Lysterine pocket packs all the way there, for the monster breath. We pull up in front of the school at 6:55am. It's like a drive-by shooting, I barely stop and he is out the door.

I am woman, hear me roar!

I can do the time, man!

Today is my day off, I was anticipating spending most of it in bed. But Public Works had other ideas. At 8:15am, right outside my bedroom window, a nice young man on a huge backhoe with a hackhammer on the front bucket commenced his work day.

I found myself wondering what the penalty really is in Canada for mass murder. What if I just killed one and winged the other four? What if I called in a bomb threat? No, that wouldn't work, then there would be sirens and most likely they would want to evacuate me.

I have not had a decent nights sleep in months, between the landlord roofing the house and then scraping the house in anticipation of painting it and the construction going on on this street, there has been three solid months of early rising.

I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON! That is why I work nights.

To add insult to injury, the boy desides he is not going to go to school today. Ya think? I don't!

I have just told him that if he doesn't get his ass out of this house in 5 minutes, I will clear his room of anything even remotely entertaining.....and burn it!

He needs to get the hell out of my face today! I still haven't filled in the hole in the backyard.

Frivolous purchases from eBay.

Faceplates for my cell phone. Got them for a buck fifty each. Mmmm...Beer!

I'm glad you asked...

Long walks on the beach - why do people put that shit in every single personal ad? If this were a true statement then, at any given moment, you should be able to go to the beach and meet a shitload of people. Doesn't sound very romantic to me.

Anything else I can help you with? Rhetorical question. Fuck off, I am going to transfer you.

On the virus line there are three phone options. Press one if you would like a fax sent to you on sasser. Press two if you would like to speak to a technician. Press three if you would like a fax sent to you on protecting your pc. Otherwise (I apologize to the rednecks for the three syllable word, I think this is what throws them) stay on the line and a customer service agent will be with you shortly. WHAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM? You sit on hold waiting for me to get to you only to tell me you want to speak to a technician. OPTION 2 YOU F'ING CRAYON!

Public shows of affection. Cute in small doses, but please do not lick your boyfriends face in my presence or I shall bitch slap you. It's just gross, not to mention unsanitary.

Mi.cro.so.ft is a software company. You DO NOT have a Mi.cro.so.ft computer, we did not send you a computer, your Mi.cro.so.ft IS NOT broke. Wi.nd.ows and Of.fice are two completely different programs you cannot update one with the other. When you are trying to connect to the internet and the error message says username and password incorrect, use your head and call your ISP. Mi.cro.so.ft is NOT the internet. Before calling me and ripping a strip off me about your software being defective, please make sure it is actually Mi.cro.so.ft software, I will smite you.

We DO NOT make viruses, nor do we send them to you. (trust me, I checked) Do not get up in my face when we can't solve your issue in one call. It was you who chose to ignore the warnings and to not protect your pc, the call is free.

Those stickers that proclaim the name of the dealership where you purchased your car. WTF? I paid thousands of dollars for the privilege of advertising your business? I don't fucking think so, off it comes.

Comment, for fuck sake!

A man hits a woman once, its his fault. If she chooses to stay with the asshole, any time he hits her after that, its all her. We are not living in some backwater country, get with the fucking program.

If you do not like your life, stop whining and change it. I am sick of hearing about it.

Old guys with face piercings. If you are over 40, clean cut and presentable, a unobtrusive eyebrow ring is sexy. However if you look as though you have been rode hard and put up wet, a nose ring is not going to enhance your appearance in any way shape or form.

Monster Trucks = dick extension
Large Dogs = dick extension
Flashy cars = dick extension

Your not fooling anyone with that comb over.

Beer guts are NOT attractive.

Belly shirts should have a weight restriction as well as a sex restriction. If you haven't seen your shoes in a while, chances are belly shirts are not for you.

Circus Animals - just because they haven't figured out that they can kill your stupid ass, does not mean they enjoy performing.

People who blame fast food for their obesity. No one is cramming that big mac down your pie hole but you.

Now that that is off my chest....I feel much better.

...to be continued.

Wanted: One coffee guy. Reliable. Car optional.

I am going back to work tonight after a couple days off and I am not looking forward to it. You see, my coffee guy has gone to day shift.

And he is a hard act to follow. By the end of our run, he was going automatically and if I forgot to tell him I wanted coffee, he would get it anyway barring the occasional brain fart.

Now I have to interview for a new coffee guy. There is one in the building, Howie, who goes around and takes orders but he doesn't have me as a regular stop and I have gotten so spoiled with my old coffee guy that I sometimes forget to hunt him down. There is another guy, Teffer, who will go for you but it is a bit of a production number every single time.

"So, Teffer, you going for coffee?"
"Would love to, but I have no car." I know you have no car, you talk about the fact daily.
"You can take my car." Just like the last 15 times you went to get me coffee.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Sure, I'll go then." There is two minutes I will never get back.

What I really need is a person that "gets" that I want coffee every night, he need not ask me, he just needs to deliver.

Idiots need not apply.

And another thing...

The boy broke his skateboard. Between payweeks. I told him he would have to wait till next week for a new deck. He whined. I told him if his father coughed up a week of child support in advance I could swing it. The father did, and I bought a deck.

Bolt is stripped on trucks, boy flips out. I tell boy that I getting the same crap as before I bought the deck, what is my motivation for buying a deck in the future? At least before I was $50 richer.

Who do you suppose gets credit for the buying of the skateboard?

I need my head examined.

Bone Tired!

Haven't posted in a while, not because nothing is going on, just tired.

The 10 hour shifts are getting to me. Not only are they long, but they are filled with morons. I spent a better part of my shift with my head on my desk, groaning. How do these people find me?

"I have the sasser worm."
"What sort of thing is happening?"
"My computer is slow."
"Ok....not the worm. Are you sure that is all that is happening?"
"Yes, and Dell told me it was the virus and you would help me for free."

I told him no that he didn't have the virus and since he was OEM there would be a fee.
He was indignant, "DELL TOLD ME..."

"Look, Dave, I have no control over what Dell told you and I am sorry you have been misinformed, but those are your options." Take it or leave it.

Another guy calls in and he is pissed that he has to pay. "No wonder you guys are getting sued all the time, what a racket. I have half a mind to just junk this computer and go another way."

"Well there is always M.ac.in.to.sh, Brad. But I am afraid, you will still have to deal with our software."

"I need to pay more attention to the law suites against you. What other alternative do I have but you guys?"
"There's always Lin.ux." Good luck with that.

"What version of wi.nd.ows are you running?"
"Of.fice 2001"
"Is it of.fice or wi.nd.ows you are having the trouble with?"
"Oh, hee hee, sorry, it's Wi.nd.ows Of.fi.ce version 6."
GIVE ME STRENGTH!

Small world, and getting smaller.

Last night was a bitch, literally. I was getting all the dregs of society. All the knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, banjo playing, absolute lowest common denominator of this god-forsaken planet.

My co-workers were keeping a wide birth, the look on my face said, "Would someone please jab me in the eye with an ice pick." At one point I was literally banging my head on the desk.

I was trying to give this guy a product key and he was repeating every single letter back to me, and then after every set of five he was repeating that back to me, and when the key was done he was repeating the whole thing back to me. He did this twice, once when he was actually typing it in and again when he was writing it down for "future reference". Holy fuck, why would he have to write it down, after making me commit it to memory?

The other half of my calls were from [ SP ENTITLE ]. You know we used to bitch about having to call this Q, that all the agents were assholes, now I understand why. I will never call them that again.

So I am at the end of my proverbial rope when [ SP ENTITLE ] comes up on my phone.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is Evel, may I have your name please?"

"Yes this is mm from blah blah." Hmmmmm wonder if it is the same mm? If it is she will recognize my name and ask me.

"You said your name was Evel?" It is her."Hi, mm. Yes, it is who you think it is."

Mm is a regular reader of this and another site I post on. We met when she recognized references to Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and thought maybe we worked in the same building. Upon further examination we figured out, she is an SP in the US where I regularly send our customers. Have seen her name on many cases. How's that for small world?

So, last night, she needs to redirect (legitimately, I might add) a customer and out of all the CSR's she gets me. That just made my night and I actually put the ice pick away.

And the world just keeps getting smaller and smaller.

Don't mess with the Internal MS Biache!

Ninety precent of the calls I get in this new Queue are from supposed support professionals. Whenever I see [ SP ENTITLE ] come up on my phone, I groan inwardly.

A little background about the procedures here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� If a customer calls in and our tools are down, ie unable to create a case for them, we tell them that we are sending them through without a case and the SP will create one for them. We never turn them back if our tools aren�t working, its just not done. We have all been trained for this scenario. When I say all, I mean every single person in this place. Mind you, it doesn�t happen often but it happens. So I get this asshole.

�Ya, I have a customer here with no case number.�

�And?� I can act superior because they think they are talking to someone who is three doors down from Bill�s office.

�And? ... they don�t have a case number, I can�t work with them.�

�Why?�

�Because they don�t have a case number. I will transfer him over for a case.�

�No.� This asshole is not passing the buck to me.

�What do you mean, no?�

�Just what I said, You make a case and work with him till his issue is resolved.� At this point he asks for my employee id. Oh, you think you can strong arm me? Not fuckin' likely. I give it to him slowly, phonetically, loudly, like he may be simple.

�Do you want mine?� Mr. Snotty says.

�Nope, I had it the second the phone rang." I repeat it to him.

�How did he get through without a case?� Yours is not to wonder why, asshole.

�Look, there are no magic numbers for these people to get directly to you. If he got through it was because he was entitled to. If he doesn�t have a case then it was because our tools were down. You do know tools-down procedures, right? If your phone rings and there is a customer on the line, you are the last person that he needs to speak to. If he doesn�t have a case, you make him one. You do not send him backwards unless he was routed incorrectly, if you can help him, it is your job to do so.�

�My manager says I am not allowed to create cases.� Bullshit! They just don�t know how to create a case, they act like it is beneath them. These assholes are like rocket scientist who can�t get the time to stop blinking on the VCR.

�Your manager lied to you. If you would like, I can have my manager call your manager and refresh him on the tools-down procedures. Perhaps he can have you retrained.�

< - CLICK - >

Adios, asshole. Do not fuck with me�..I know how this place works.

Ready to slit my wrists!

I took a call tonight that was so long and drawn out I couldn't post it word for word.

A woman called and wanted it "all off my computer" she just kept saying that over and over. It took me a while to figure out what the fuck she meant, since she didn't know either. I love it when they call us before their brain catches up to their mouth.

She bought a computer at a flea market, it was really old and didn't work very well. Wasn't sure what the hell she was telling me that for but her son bought her a new one. Well it was doing the same thing, it was asking her to accept the end user license agreeement and she didn't think that was right. She kept saying it wasn't legal.

"Mamme, you don't have to agree to anything. Noone is forcing you."

"But if I don't agree the software won't install."

"Exactly, I can give you the money back line and you can take it back."

"But I have to have windows on my computer."

"Exactly, so say yes to the end user license agreement."

"But I don't want to." This went back and forth for about 10 minutes.

She finally agrees, and we move on. Then she gets really wacky. She tells me that the Undisclosed Computer Software Company� is downloading stuff to her computer and she wants it off. Internet explorer was telling her there was a newer version, did she want to install. And she deffinately did not want to.

"So, uh, just say no?"

"Can I do that?" YES YOU FUCKING CRAYON! NOW GET OFF MY PHONE! But I was not so lucky. She was determined to have a problem that we must be responsible for. FUCK ME!

"The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� downloaded all this junk onto my computer and I want it off!" Ten minutes later I am still trying to figure out what the hell she is talking about, when she says, "All the stuff that was on my old computer is on this one, I want it off!"

Long, long, long, fucking agonizingly long story short. She believed that her old computer that she had taken to the dump was being accessed by us, and that we were moving all the stuff from that computer onto her new computer. I KID YOU NOT! And I can not get this turnip off my phone, I even consider asking her if she is off her meds. Finally her son gets on the phone and I explain to him that we can not access a computer that is in a dump, that would be magic and we don't do magic.

"So, you ain't gonna help us?"

AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

<- CLICK ->

Frankly, My Dear...

I got through my first ten hours with the mouth breathers and I didn't kill anyone. Not that I didn't desire with my whole being to possess the ability to blow someone to smithereens by mere power of suggestion.

I had forgotten how miserable the general public can be. As I said before I am in what is called internal. What that means is I get all the people who call all the numbers associated with Undisclosed Customer Service Center� (and there are many). There are numbers for professionals, there are numbers for broadband users, there are numbers to call if you have a virus, etc.

Pretty simple, you call the right number you get the right department. But of course if your knuckles are swollen from dragging on the ground you may hit the wrong option on the phone. That is where I come in. I get all the turnips who can�t seem to work the phone.

I understand if you can�t work a simple touch tone phone, you probably can�t grasp the concept of paying for support, or that maybe you are not the only one in the free world who has the virus, so yes, there may be a wait for support.

I lost it with one guy, he was bitching about paying for support on a version of software that was two versions behind the current one. �I�m a customer and this is not good customer service.�

You were a customer, you haven't bought anything in 5 years. �Well when you consider the cost of training a technician, paying him a salary, not to mention the trainer, then paying their salary as a tech as well as customer service agents to field the calls, and all the other managerial staff that it takes to run a center, add phone charges and internet usage and on and on, your $35 really doesn�t cover it, and if you never buy new software? Then what?� We should keep technicians on staff for old software on the off chance that this asshole calls in?

After dealing with these people for hours on end I got this lady that just tickled me pink. I was starting to get a little punchy.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, may I have your name please.�

�Vivian Leigh�, I was silent for a beat, but couldn�t control a giggle.

�No way� I said.

She giggled, �Afraid so.�

�Well fiddle-dee-dee, Vivian, how can I help you today.� That put us both in hysterics. She was quite upset that she had been dealing with the virus for a week and B.es.t B.uy told her it would cost her $100 to have them get rid of it. I told her that was ridiculous. She couldn�t believe that I was going to help her for free. She thought there might be a catch.

�As God is my witness, its totally free.� This set us both off, we were in tears, as I got ready to transfer her she said, �Thanks, I needed that.�

�So did I.�

Breakfast Cereal Guy.

There is a guy at work, I call him Breakfast Cereal Guy. I don't know why I gave him that name, I just took one look at him and thought he looked like Breakfast. I do that a lot, give people nicknames. Anyway, BCG is adorable. He's small, got buns-0-steel, cutest hair (those highlights that look painted on) and a soul patch. He is quite literally cute as a button.

So BCG walks by one night and I let out this slurping sound. Quite lecherous, and someone says, "You think he is cute?" and procedes to try and tell me about him.

"WHOA! HOLD UP SISTER!" I stick my fingers in my ears, "LA LA LA!" I don't want to know about him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to know he can even speak. BCG is eye candy. As long as he stays eye candy, he is perfect. I enjoy looking at him, that's it. Why would I want to ruin a perfectly good scene with information?

She looks at me like I have two heads. What is so hard to understand? It's like watching a scene of the ocean crashing on the shore. Pretty, relaxing, but you don't have to know how to swim or even like swimming. There are sharks and most likely pollution, but I don't have to know about it, right? It is a pleasant scene, period.

I don't want to know his name, or where he lives, or who he dates. I would never date him, pretty boys don't do it for me. But I enjoy the scenery. I think puppies are cute too, but they piss on the floor and whine all night. I just know that if I spoke to BCG he would say something, therefore shattering the illusion of perfection.

No matter how cute he is, there is someone out there who has to put up with his farting and burping.

Official Internal MS Biache!

It's official, I have taken the PPA shift. The deal maker was that they wanted me to start right away. All I could think about was that Monday was a holiday and I would be working 10 hours for double time and a half. Sweet!

So I start Sunday with a day off, then 10 hours of holiday time on Monday followed by two days off in a row. I think I can handle that.

And with any luck my raise will kick in on this next pay.

Six of one...

Now they are offering shifts in what's called a PPA Q. It's sort of a mix of CC and Pro. So you have the hope of getting at least one person who doesn't say, "Ya....mu computar is broke." Someone who knows what right click is and is most likely NOT married to their sister.

I have officially volunteered for these two shifts:
Sunday - Thurs: 5pm-1am (8 hour shifts) This one is more like the one I am already on, with different days off. No problem.

or

Mon, Thur, Fri, Sat 2pm - 12 am (10 hour shifts) This one appeals to me because I would have 3 days off, but it is 10 hours a day. I might be able to swing it but it means I will have to get up earlier. UGH!

The big question is, can I handle the guaranteed flow of rednecks? This is the reason I went pro to begin with. When they approached me, I was at the point where if one more person said �Ma ma.cri.sof, it broke", I was going to slice my own throat.

And you know what the sad thing is? Stupid people have no idea they are stupid.

"Ya, I is gittin thet ther� error, dang thang it broke...kin ya hep' me?" (apologies to the non-inbred of the south, but 99% of the time they sound like Jeff Foxworthy.)

"Oh! The error message, of course." FUCK ME GENTLY! "I'll transfer you over to Gerry, he takes care of the error message."

How do these people maintain? I mean, they must have jobs. Otherwise how are they affording a computer and internet service? I am amazed some of these crayons can make it across the street without becoming an oil slick. They probably think that big ole hand is waving them through. How much could they possibly make at the college being guinea pigs for some half assed research project? Or donating sperm or selling their blood. They aren't bright enough to be criminals.

How can you, in this day and age support yourself and your family when you call me and try and write "click" on your screen with a magic marker? I am surprised half these people remember to breathe.

If you see them on the street mumbling to themselves get real close and you can hear them say �in, out, in, out�.

Pleased to meet ya, now spread 'em.

So, I am meeting my doctor for the first time today. If you remember when I went for the shot I didn't actually lay eyes on her, the nurse gave me the needle.

Well today I meet her. Nice way to meet someone, "Hi, I'm doctor Qwasnick, now spread 'em." What? Your not gonna buy me dinner first?

Kind of concerned about the name, considering if you take out the 'sni' she becomes Dr. Qwack. She probably didn't think that one through when she married Mr. Qwack and decided to change her name. With a name like that, I hope she has a sense of humour.

Meanwhile back at the farm.....

Ok, that went well, she was very nice. And thorough. During the exam she reaches up between my legs and passes me this.



I like this chick.

Good News - Bad News.

Had a wonderful night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. The good news is I did not get layed off.

We (in pro) were informed that 16-19 of us would be moved back to CC. That's just fucking great. Welcome back to redneckville. FUCK ME! Aparently we, as a group, had too much tenure for layoffs. So what they did was lay off more over in CC and are going to move us over there. It's not looking good for me. I have been there just over a year, so I am pretty low down the totem pole.

However, there is hope. They are asking for volunteers. Now, once the 9-5ers realize that most of the people who will be moved are on 5-1 and that they will have to fill that shift they may volunteer just so they can keep their shifts.

Here's hoping.

Grab your umbrella!

The shit hit the fan tonight at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. 96 people in CC got canned. Along with 5 team managers. They are calling it a temporary lay-off but it did not go well.

Half of those 96 people were on duty tonight and just up and left. So that meant that all the agents in ProCC had to take those calls. It was a huge mess. Why in the name of God they told them at the beginning of their shift is beyond me. Although I know it would have been dirty for them to wait till the end of their shift, it wasn't like they were shown the door today, they gave them two weeks notice.

They also gave them the option to be moved to another site, which a couple of the TM's chose, or to take the layoff. There were a lot of tears and angry faces.

More of the same for tomorrow I suppose.

Now they tell us in ProCC that we will not be effected by these layoffs, but we are not convinced. More and more jobs are being moved to India, eventually everything will end up there. They may have to change the name from "Customer Service" to "Piss Off the Americans" cuz the American's hate to hear that they are going to India for their tech support.

Those techs might know their stuff, but it often loses something in the translation.

And another thing...

Suppose I should tell you my good news. I got my performance appraisal tonight and scored 4.0 out of possible 5, not bad. The PA's determine the amount of your raise, higher is definately better.

What the hell were we thinking?

I have been sitting here for the last couple of my days off, cataloguing my record collection. Is it just me or did most of the bands from the 80's look really, really gay? I mean some of these guys make the Queer Eye guys look like lumberjacks. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay but consider this.



All the girls wanted them and all the boys wanted to be them.

I mean the girls can look back and say, "You see? That proves the theory that all the good ones are married or gay." But the guys? Holy shit, they gotta be dealing with some homophobe issues. Damn, explains a lot, don't it?

Happy Belated Single Mother's Day!

The boy brought his science fair project home. I was reading the writeup and this was on the last page.



How do you stay mad at that?

Prepare the boy for stasis!

Ever been so broke you don't know what to do? If I could just put the boy in stasis for a couple of weeks I could catch up. But as soon as I get the money he has spent it. Before even. I got a shitload of cash comming on the 20th, but chances are I will have to borrow before that, so when it finaly comes around it won't be such a shitload.

By George! I've got it! I will just need to sleep till then.

Single Mother's Day.

What did I get for mother's day, you might ask. A big fat goose egg.

Let me tell you about Single Mother's Day. You are pretty much screwed.

When the boy was small, my sister used to give me Mother's Day cards from him. When he started school till about 5th grade he made one in school. Up to that point it was pretty much out of his hands.

Now he is 13. Old enough you say to hit his father up for some cash for his dear old mom? Fat chance.

You know what I got for Mother's Day? Rudely awakened, that's what! He came into my room and parked himself in front of my computer and blared Survivor till I cracked!

He didn't even say Happy Mother's day till he heard someone else say it to me. Tell me, at what point can I expect to get a little recognition from this ingrate? When he is forty, maybe?

I tell you one thing, if I so much as hear the word Father's Day comming from his lips, I will burry him in the back yard.

And I mean it this time.

Happy Single Mother's Day!

THE BOY GENIUS!

The boy enters the science fair.


At his school


He sets up display.



A few demonstrations.



Patiently awaits the judges decision. That blur is him hearing his name read.


Take the money and run.


THE BOY WINS 3rd PLACE!


He gets the brains from my side of the family.

It don't take much.

Got a new phone yesterday. Very cool.



Having so much fun, and haven't even made a call yet.
It really doesn't take much to make me happy.

Show me the money.

All hell is breaking lose at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� we are trying to get a handle on this new virus and I have to say that it is going much better than Blaster. They have more frontline CSR's doing the troubleshooting, which cuts down on customer hold times. I really don't think this one will last as long.

I was on a call last night and a TM signed me off my phone and said when I was done of that call to come to a meeting. Five minutes later I walk into the meeting and sit down just as she is saying, "Any questions?" Well ya! I just got there.

Then they wheel the Big Cheese from Head Office, "I know this team can do this, any questions?" HELLO! Did no one notice me just walking in? Everone stands and they hand me a sheet of paper with step-by-steps on troubleshooting the virus. That's just fucking great.

This is why I don't tell people that I know computers. I am a CSR because I don't want to be a Tech. My average call time is 4-6 minutes, Techs can be on a call for hours. I can barely stand these crayons for the 4-6 min I have to, I do not want to deal with them longer than that.

And techs start out at a dollar more an hour. Are they going to pay me a dollar more? No they are not, so fuck off. I ain't doing it!

Blaster from the past.

Once again people. We at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� DO NOT make viruses, nor do we send them to you.

We do however help you take care of them, for free I might add. And since we are doing it for free everyone in the fucking free world is calling us. So expect a wait time. It will be 4-5 hours, so suck it up princess cuz if you bitch at me I will hang up on you. I do not need your attitude. If you have not been hit with this virus yet, please, for the love of God, go and do your critical updates.

"Updates? We don't need no stinkin' updates!" Yes you do. moron, if you had done them yesterday we would not be having this lame ass conversation. So do it.

For more info on the virus go here. And don't call me, I am in a shitty mood. George Canyon lost to that little pencil necked, leather jacket wearing, spiked haired, Nick Carter wannabe. I know country and he ain't country.

Don't get me started.

And another thing...

If you are pirating software, do not, I repeat, do not copp and attitude with me when I tell you I can't help you.

READ MY LIPS! You are stealing the fucking software from us, we will not help you fix it! USE YOUR HEAD, CRAYON!

BullShit!

I have a very big pet peeve at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. Its the bathrooms. With all the 12 year olds they are hiring lately the place looks like Saturday night at the Liquor Dome.

You go in there and inevitably there is one stall where there is piss all over the seat. This is from the 'hoverer', you know the one. The freak who is so afraid to park her ass that she squats and hovers over the seat. How ironic that the only person spreading germs is the person who is afraid of getting them. They even put those paper seat cover dispensers in there, not for the assholes who are afraid of germs, but for the rest of us. If the moron uses the seat cover then she won't piss all over the seat like a 5 year old.

I however am not a moron. I know that this is an irrational fear. And now I have proof. Just finished watching Penn & Teller - Bullshit!, I love that show. It was all about safety and they had a segment about toilette seats. How dirty are they?

Dr. Edward Hodgkis "Urine has no bacteria, no viruses, it is a sterile solution. You get smelly and wet when you touch urine, but you don't get sick."

Bacteria like warm wet places. Toilette seats don't stay wet or warm for very long so they are actually a very inhospitable environment for bacteria. Scientifically it has been proven that your face and hands are dirtier than your ass.

So stop breaking your back trying to position yourself two feet off the toilette seat and pay more attention to the door handle on your way out.

Yes Meme Mamme!

As ordered by Radmilla (and frankly I am scared to refuse.)

A meme

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want and I will answer it. Then, I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

I'M UP! I'M UP!

I work 5pm -1am. I am rarely asleep before 5am, I just can't do it.

This morning at 8am the landlord thought it would be a good idea to start fixing the roof! I got up three times thinking someone was banging on the door. It happens. The way my apartment is laid out, I can never hear the door from my room.

So three times I bolt out of bed and run to the door, tripping over the cat, almost getting knocked unconscious by the coffee table, only to look out the window and see feet on scaffolding. Lord Love a Duck! To his credit, this is the first nice day in a week. Monday it snowed. You heard me, snowed. And it has been raining since.

By eleven I gave up and got out of bed. The good news is, its my day off. Bad news? I still have book work to do, a years worth. I will be at it all day and night.

Somewhere in my schedule today I have to fit in: Moving a couch and chair (twice), having a cell phone set up, dropping off money to one place and cigarettes to another. Cleaning the house in preparation of new couch and chair. Dishes, YUCK! All with the steady bang of roofers.

I just came back in from talking to them. More good news, they are going to take care of my little pigeon problem while they are up there. God love them. Probably not out of the goodness of their hearts. I happened to look over at his truck and it is already covered in pigeon shit.

It was funny when it was happening to me, but now its personal. The man is on a mission.

Thrift store behavioral psychology

Went to Louey's with my sister and the boy today. Louey's is a thrift store consisting of huge 5x6 ft bins piled high with clothes. I dread going there, I just look hopelessly at the huge piles and sigh. It is just too overwhelming.

I shop one way.
Walk into the store.
Spy a color I like and move in on item.
If I like it I choose the size and walk out.
There is no trying on or debate in my shopping, I am in and out in 5 minutes.

My sister is a professional thrift store customer. Usually I pick through things and eventually she will lift something up and say, "What about this?" and of course I like it. That is the beauty of going with a professional, you don't really have to look, she finds it all. All you have to do is mill about and look busy. I am hopeless at it, since I have absolutely no upper body strength. After about an hour my back starts to protest and I lean against one of the bins and wait, hoping it will be over soon. The boy is of the same mind, he is starting to get annoying.

After two hours she starts to slow down and says, �I guess that�s it.� The boy brightens, he thinks that means we are leaving. Foolish child, that just means we will be working our way back towards the front of the store. This process will take another half hour. He is trying to speed things up by holding things up and saying, �What about this?�

I lean down and whisper in the boys ear, �Boy, that�s not how it is done. Watch this. If you want her to leave you do this.� I straighten and take two steps backwards, facing her with my arms akimbo. Without looking at me she turns to the register and lays her purchases down. She does not even realize what has happened.

Once you are in tune with the behavioral psychology of the professional thrift store customer, they are like Pavlov�s dog, you just ring the bell.

Ten things I know about the Yanks.

1. Every four years they decide who they hate the most and make him president.

2. American�s think everyone wants to live there, when in fact people immigrate there when they can�t get into a Canada.

3. Their money is very ugly.

4. Many of them will live their entire lives in locations that get wiped out by some natural disaster every single year. Some people can not take a hint.

5. By the 1980�s, everyone else in the free world was using the metric system, the US is pretty much the only hold out. Well except for Lyberia and Myanmar, but who the hell knows where that is? I guess they are just waiting to see if it really does catch on.

6. They keep all their old people in Florida, their cowboys in Texas and the fake people they put in California.

7. They only drink Starbuck�s coffee and they eat a lot of meat products that come on sticks.

8. They will shoot you if you ask for directions.

9. Ok, so it�s 8 things, but I bet I can name more states than any one of them can name provinces.

10. So there!

Stand up and be counted!

Great idea stolen from Natalie. I know there are people out there who read this but never comment. I won't embarrass anyone by singling them out (Bev) but just this once, click on the comments and say �Hey!�

I don�t expect you to comment, I don�t want your email address, you don�t have to list your URL, just a friendly �Howdy Neighbour� is all I�m looking for.

Come on, I know you are there, I can hear you breathing. Stop lurking and wave for fuck sake!

Don�t make me stop this car!

Aunt Flo is dead, dead, dead!

For those of you following along. I got the Depo-provera shot on March 12, the doctor told me it could take up to a year but I would eventually have no monthly visit from Aunt Flo. Well, I am officially long past her regular visit.

FLO IS A NO SHOW! Not a sign or a word form her, zippo, ziltch, nadda!

And no, I will not miss that obnoxious, lowlife, miscreant, shithead, skite, wretch, pig-sucking quiff. I am glad she is dead, and I hope she rots in hell.

Ahhhh! I feel much better.

So? How was your day?

Welcome to Canyon Country.

Walked into the post office today and it was decorated up with white and red ribbons, in fact just about every building on the street is done up this way.

Am I missing something? Aparently so. I asked the girl from the smoke shop across the street, she jokes and says its July first (Canada Day), I had to think about that for a second. But no she says, its George Canyon Day.

WTF? Aparently I am in Canyon Country.

Anyone who watches Nashville Star on the USA network will know that George Canyon has made the top 4. Why is this such a big deal here? Well he is a hometown boy, everyone knows someone who knows George, or Fred I should say.( his real name).

He has been here all day, going from town to town all over Pictou County doing personal appearances and filming for the tv show. They are aparently doing segments for all 4 finalists going home for the day. Every store front, every sign on every corner says stuff like, WELCOME HOME GEORGE! and GO GEORGE GO! someone told me the sign on the highway that says Welcome to Pictou County also says YOU ARE NOW ENTERING CANYON COUNTRY!

It is a huge deal here. If the signs are still up tomorrow I will take some pictures. It has to be seen to believed. Or you could just tune in on Saturday and see it. (and vote for George of course)

I might do that myself, see the town on TV, that might be fun. I hope they had the good sense to keep the crazies at home so we aren't embarassed.

We shall see.

PS: I have added a couple of tunes for your listening enjoyment. It's over there on the left.

UPDATE

Pictures as promised:

China calling.

This call came in Sunday night, at about 10:30 Atlantic Standard Time.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is blah blah blah...."

"Yes, I was supposed to get a callback on my case, and I never got it."

I get the case number and bring it up. "It says you are scheduled for a callback on Monday, April 19 at 8:30am."

"Ya, It's after 6 and I never got it." He is flipping.

"Yes but this is Sunday, you are scheduled for Monday."

"It is Monday where I am." Maybe I am missing something. Just because you say it, doesn't make it so. This guy is getting very upset with me.

"No, this is the 18th."

"Ya, and I never got my callback."

"Sir you are scheduled for Monday the 19th, this is Sunday the 18th." Maybe I am missing something. "Where are you calling from?"

"Arizona. AND I AM TELLING YOU IT IS PAST 6, MONDAY NIGHT!"

"Well Sir I am on Atlantic Standard time, and it is Sunday, April 18th 10:30 PM. In order for it to be Monday where you are, you would have to be calling from China."

Wait for it...........................< CLICK >

I know Arizona is on its "own" time, but you can't just pick a day.

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho...

I am heading off to work in a couple minutes, and the boy is going with his father. I love working on the weekends, it is so dead. We just sit around and socialize.

Tomorrow Kimmy is coming over to clean my house. You heard me. She is going to clean my house.

There is no law that says you have to clean your own house. And anyone who thinks it is disgraceful that I would have someone else do it for me, are just jealous.

I love you Kimmy!

Twenty Three Things.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. What does it say? ble." The events of the year 1812 in Russia were a perfect
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? my tea
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? That 70's Show.
4. WITHOUT LOOKING, can you guess what the time is? 12:15pm
5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 12:46pm
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Cars driving down the street, the cat's bell, the ticking of the keyboard.
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? I went outside to check the weather this morning. Was warm and very windy.
8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at? Checked suprnova to see if I needed to start another download, I am addicted to it.
9. What are you wearing? PJ's and a robe, no socks, my feet are freezing.
10. Did you dream last night? Yes, but as soon as I read the question, I forgot the dream.
11. When did you last laugh? Last night, most of the shit at work cracks me up.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? A sign that says "you are here, now get out", a one dollar bill (the paper kind), cork board with a bunch of crap on it, pictures mostly of my son, a mothers day project made by my son in '97.
13. Seen anything weird lately? A girl with green dreglocks, ok thats just gross, but I got nothing else.
14. What do you think of this quiz? Different.
15. What is the last film you saw? Gothika, loved it.
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?Laptop, no idea why but top of the line.
17. Can you tell something about you that no one knows? Naw...I am pretty much an open book.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I would eliminate God from the equation
19. Do you like to dance? I have absolutely no rythem.
20. George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years? Finally doing something.
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Michaela.
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Did call him, Mason.
23. Would you ever consider living abroad? Nope. That would require getting on one of those flying death traps.

Please God....make it stop!

I just forced myself to watch The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour and I gotta say, it was painful. I never actually watched Jessica Simpson sing before so I wasn't sure she was being serious. She reminds me of the Sweeny Sisters from SNL.

I am not sure what they were thinking, but Sonny and Cher, they ain't. The best thing about it was Mr. T.

I pity the fool who had to take the blame for this crap. It has to be seen to be believed.

Peeeheeew....Christmas!

I was told today I smell like Christmas.

Ray: Evel, you always smell like Christmas.
ME: What the hell does that mean? ( I am such a princess, so gracious)
Ray: I don't know, you just always smell like Christmas.
ME: Is that good?
Ray: Ya.
ME: Unless of course your Dad's a drunk and your Christmas smells like barf and eggnog.

Didn't really clarify what smelling like Christmas meant. All I do know is that he was definately NOT coming on to me.

So, what does that mean?

Anyone have a theory?

Dream Job and Nightmare Accomodations

Two beautiful days at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center?, last night I took two calls. Count em....two. I love my job. We sat around all night and played cards.

Since I went pro, Monday nights are really the only night that I actually have to do anything. Tuesdays are broken up with a team meeting, by Wednesday its pretty much leveling off. Then I am off on Thurs and Friday and Saturday and Sunday, as you could imagine, are pretty dead.

Did I mention, I love my job?

Yesterday I also went to see my mother. It was a good thing that my sister was with me, because my brother moved her without telling me. We had agreed that my mother may need to go to a home, if she didn't snap out of her wig-out, but we also agreed that she would have her choice of home. She has a couple places in mind where a lot of her friends live, it was just a waiting game to see when one became available.

Well, I guess on Wednesday, my brother took my mother to "look" at a place and left her there. WTF? It was like a bad movie. He just left her there. When I walked into this place I was stunned. My mother went from a seniors apartment, living room, kitchen, bedroom and bath, to a dorm room with a bathroom. I can't imagine she took one look at the place and said, "I love it, can I stay?" It is depressing. She only knows one person in the whole place. And the kicker? She has been put back on full lithium and appears to be snapping out of the whole wiggy thing.

So, why the big rush? No clue, I can't imagine her being happy there.

So, before I left I told her. If you find that you absolutely hate it here, I will yank you out. I can always get a bigger place and move her in with me. I will not let my mother waste away in a place she is not happy.

She might be a pain in the ass sometimes, but she is my mother.

It's Heart Attack and Take a Stroke month.

Just waiting for a movie to burn to cd, so I thought I would tidy up, sit back down to the computer and ...

HOLY FUCKING FLYING JESUS!

A SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You would think I was bringing down a rhino, I hit it that hard. There is absolutely no identifying that body.

One sec till I take care of this little heart attack thing.

"Charge to 300..................CLEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Spring is finally here. Jesus, I hate the warm weather. Warm weather means icky crawling things and freak-me-the-fuck-out flying things. I don't know which is worse. Either one turns me into fucking spaz.

Seeing me from a distance you would think I was having some sort of seizure. Hearing me without visual, you would be hard pressed not to call the police, because you would swear I was being brutally murdered.

Now I am fucked for the entire night. Every time my hair tickles the back of my neck I will take a stroke. Every time my pant leg moves I will imagine tarantulas crawling up my leg and jump out of my skin. I see anything I even think might be moving, I will smash it to smithereens and ask questions later. Hair scrunchies beware!

Did I mention I am not all that fond of spiders?

"Warped logic" or "How to torture the boy" working titles

Not exactly sure how I came up with this brilliant idea but the boy wants a new skateboard for Easter. Of course, he wants the $100 skateboard.

"That's all I want, Mom, no candy just the skateboard."

"Holy shit! No, it's Easter, not Christmas."

Then I go out and spend $100 on candy, stupid little dollar store toys, a basket and that crap you put in it. You know that fake grass that you are vacuuming up for months afterwards or the cats will choke to death on, since they don't have the sense to not eat it.

What the hell is up with that? I bought so much stuff it won't all fit in the basket. Why didn't I just buy the fuckin' skateboard? No earthly idea. I didn't even get eggs for Christ's sake.

Although it may be my subconsious way of sticking it to the boy for not cleaning the yard like I asked him. Or taking out the garbage, hell, he never does anything I ask him to do. So why the hell should I shell out my hard earned money for a skateboard.

I think that might be it, the subconcious thing I mean. As I am trying to transfer all this crap from the bag to the basket, I notice something odd at the bottom of the bag. A purchase I don't remember making.

Work gloves, size small.

Americans, ya gotta love em.

I found this site today, this guy has found us out. We will have to do something about that.

You would be suprised at the things that have been said to me when people find out I live in Nova Scotia, Canada.

"Oh, a guy I worked with was from Canada, Bob MacDonald. Do you know him?" Oh ya, Office Bob, he's dead.

"Wow, it must be really cold there?" Oh no, wait till July, that's our coldest month. Most yanks think the temperature drops 30 degrees the second you cross the border.

"You guys all live in igloo's don't ya?" Of course we do, have you ever tried to drive a nail into a frozen tree?

"Ya right. No one lives in Nova Scotia." Your right, I just made that up. Same guy says to me, "So, do you have, like, shopping malls and stuff?" Of course not, we hunt for food and use the skins for clothes.

"Wow, yawl shur dernt sawn Kinadi'in." What are you talking aboot, eh?

"Is it still dark up there this time of year?" Are you on crack? No, we just started our 6 month of daylight. JEEZ!

MY EYES! MY EYES!

There is a casual dress code at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. It is very much laid back but you are supposed to use your common sense. One of the D&D guys from my row was wearing a short sleeved shirt the other day and a TM told him it was too tight. He tells me this last night. I saw the shirt, I don�t get it.

�Are you kidding me? He must have been yankin� your chain.� But no, he was not. He told him it was not professional attire. This really got to me. Let me tell you why.

There are some women at Undisclosed Customer Service Center� that clearly do not adhere to the policy. The common sense policy that says: do not show your thighs, cleavage or belly. I think they even added in bare shoulders in there somewhere. Pretty simple, right? Wrong.

You might not think this is such a big deal, and it might not be, except for the fat chicks. (Don�t get all up in arms ala-Em over this, I am a fat chick) I don�t feel like looking at some rail thin teeny bopper in a mini skirt with a belly ring and her boobs hanging out, so can you imagine having to look at that same outfit on a fat chick.

Point in fact. Girl the other day, completely round from all directions, I can�t guess weight, but she was about 3 feet all the way around and she was in hip huggers with a belly shirt. Please people, have a little consideration. I am all for healthy body image, but that is just wrong. Especially for the work place. Or worse, having to see a half dozen girls bent over with their thongs hanging out the back of their jeans and their tits spilling out. What the hell is this, Club Med? A little professionalism please.

The men are just as bad. Muscle bound guys in t-shirts so tight you think it is cutting off the circulation. Wearing jeans they had to pole vault to get into. Ok, picture this on a 350 lb man, with boobs. And since the t-shirt is so tight it rides up, revealing his big fat hairy stomach. Or rail thin guys, (who play for the home team) with belly shirts and their thongs hanging out the back of their jeans.

The problem is, the men. They want to see the rail thin bimbo in the belly shirt, so they can�t say anything about the fat chick in the belly shirt. That would be discrimination. Holy shit!

If it is a policy, then enforce it. Don�t take your frustration out on some nerd with a tightish sweater.

There are a lot of turnip trucks in the US. And they do not strap those morons on.

Without saying what company I actually work for, I will tell you who we DON"T work for, but people insist on contacting us. Moreover they become irate when we can't help them.

C.O.r.el
A.d.ob.e
N.et.s.ca.pe
R.ed.H.at
Li.nu.x
A.pp.l.e
L.in.xu.s
P.al.m
I.SP's
Any company represented with a website. Any company.
Cell phones
VCR's
Satalite dishes
Microwaves
Absolutely anything internet related. The list goes on and on.

Also, they believe we are everything computerized.

If people don't know the number for a company, they call us. What am I? Directory assistance?
They can't think of a website, they discribe it, do I know which one they are talking about? NO ASSHOLE, I DO NOT!

"You do realize that you did not call Mo.to.rol.la?"

"Can't you help me?" NO YOU MORON!

The day off from hell!

Got a call this morning from the boy's principal. He is suspended from school. What fun.

The Boy has not been bringing his materials to school and when required to remain for an after school detention he skipped the detention and left the building without permission.

And to top it all off, he lied right in the face of the principal. Told him I was not at home, that I went in early for work to do overtime. Needless to say he called my work and then my home. I don't know what has gotten into the boy, but he is stomping all over my last nerve. So, he is suspended for a day. They sent work home for him to do while he is off.

Right after the principal hung up, I get another call from the dentist. "Time for The Boy's yearly exam."

"Ya got anything more painful than a cleaning? You can sign him up for that too."

"That kind of a day, huh?"

"You don't know the half of it."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks, your a peach."

The boy's father came over and he is just useless. I tore a strip off him. He is such an asshole, I can't even tell you. He said nothing to the boy. I don't think he ever grew up himself. Two seconds into the conversation, he made it about me, then about him.

I finally had to tell him to get the fuck out, "You are useless. Get out of my house." Then I had to appologize to the boy, mostly for making that son of a bitch his father. I am in a mood, I should stop now.