Things I know to be true:
- No matter what time of night or day.....Ricky Martin will make you dance.
- If you absolutely need to be somewhere...it will snow like a son of a whore. And if you buy a snow blower, you are absolutely guaranteed to have no snow worth blowing.
- Bread always lands butter side down...unless there is cheese on the other side.
- Once you hit 40, anything you say about the opposite sex will sound lecherous.
- Susan Lucci needs to stop wearing open neck dresses. (Gobble, Gobble) That ship has sailed Erica! (believe me, it is much worse in person)
- Some people just can not sing live. You know who you are, Faith Hill. Do us all a favor and lip sync for Christ's sake.
- If you want people to think that is your real hair, your beard cannot be drastically different from said hair.
- If there is a winning lottery ticket in the store...the guy in front or behind you will purchase it.
- Mustaches only work for Magnum PI and 70's porn stars. Let - it - go.
Things I have been overheard as saying:
- While admiring a particularly yummy piece of man ass (was that politically correct? No? Good, that is what I was going for.)"Ah, if only I were ten years younger... I would still be a pedophilia, but, my God, that kid is gorgeous."
- Someone suggested I 'go for it'. I replied, "Good grief! I just don't have the bone structure for that anymore."
- "How's that workin' out for ya?"
- "Look, I don't really care what your phone number is, you can make something up for all I care." I was in a mood, and hopefully not getting call coached.
- "Women love men in a different way, like you love the village idiot." Can't remember where I had heard that, but it is true.
- When I realized my son had downloaded an entire album by Wham. "You know, Mom will love you even if you are gay."
- "You know how they say that inside every fat woman is a thin one screaming to get out? I know this is true...because I ate her."
- "Did you just say, if he walks like a duck? ...Dude, if he walks like a duck, you can be reasonably sure he is mentally ill. Who the fuck walks like a duck?"
Random stupid things:
- A break-in at a local residence netted the thieves eight restricted hand guns, Police are concerned that " they may fall into the wrong hands..."
HELLO, they are already in the wrong hands, Moron!
- This is what my sister considers an appropriate Christmas tree. Yes, that is copper pipe.
- A woman was struck and killed while taking her daily walk. This is why I only walk to the car, exercise kills.
- A woman was found dead in a trunk at a local school. Police are not confirming if there was any foul play. WTF? How the hell do you think she got into the trunk?
- - Why do advertisers think I will believe their claims if all they have to back it up is a cartoon? "Hey, that cartoon clearly shows this product curing cancer. That is enough for me, by gum!"
- A murder suicide happened locally about a week ago. The police are still investigating. What the hell is there to investigate. Uh, the one with the gun is the killer.
That's all I have time for. Hope you have a great New Year. See you in 2006.