Tuesday, November 15, 2005

High tea with the Politically Incorrect Sisters.

Went to the war memorial on the 11th with my mother. If you remember, the woman is 77 and off her gourd on a good day. As luck would have it, this day is also the wedding anniversary of her sister. This means that after the service, we all meet at a local restaurant for lunch to celebrate.

Picture it. My off-her-gourd mother and her deaf sister in a crowded restaurant with 20 other relatives who have to pay attention to them whether they like it or not.

Every time I heard, "Trin! Give me your good ear." I cringed.

Let me see if I can set the scene:

First, our waiter. If he wasn't gay, he played one on TV. (If you are an old girl like me you get the joke referring to the old commercials, "I am not a doctor but I play one on TV.") Actually, I know him and he is gay. Anyway, I digress.

Ok, where was I? Oh right, the scene. I am sitting in a booth with the Sisters directly across from me. You might also remember that cousin Sonny the Geek (Like Zorba the Greek) is marrying a Chinese girl. She and Sonny are sitting two tables down and to my left. One more table down sits his sister, with her baby boy (freakin adorable) who she had with (if I remember correctly) a Jamaican guy she met out west. And like me, out of wedlock (my mother loves to say). Add the gay waiter and hilarity ensues.

Now I also have to qualify this, for those of you who may think I am about to tell you that the sisters are raging racists or homophobes. They are not. They are just of a generation that used different language in their day to day lives. They absolutely adore Sonny's fiance (frankly everyone thinks he isn't good enough for her) and they brag that baby up like it is the second coming of Christ. And they are as old as shit and, as you all know, old people don't give a shit what they say or how they say it.

There is no way, however, to clean up the language and still tell a decent story, so here goes.

"So, Trin, where did Elle meet the Negro boy?" I give her the look that says 'will you fuck off somewhere?' "What? You can't call them (she uses the N word) anymore or colored." Now I know why we usually get a private room for these functions.

Note to self: Never go out in public with these two.

Trin is nodding, "True, true." She looks at me as if she is asking something as innocent as what the time is. "What is so bad about that word? It's just a word. I never understood why people get so upset over it."

I look at her like she just fed me a spoonful of shit, and it ain't going down well. "It's not just a word, it's a derogatory term and I don't want to hear it."

"It's sort of like....if I were to call you a bitch. You might be a bitch but you don't like to be called one do you?"
This goes completely over her head. And it didn't quite hit the mark anyway but I couldn't think of a worse word.

The empty gourd pipes in, "Half the time you don't know which word to use anyway, they keep changing it. How are we supposed to keep up?"

"How about we just change the subject?"
, I say, "That would be peachy." I am now drilling daggers through Sonny. Trying to telepathically get him to come and get his mother. These two together make me want to crawl under a rock. Luckily the gay waiter shows up with our coffee.

"You know the queers are getting married now, isn't that nice for them?" Trin misses this because the empty gourd is talking into her bad ear.

I have had it, "Will you shut up! For the love of God!" She doesn't understand what might have upset me this time. "Can we just eat in silence?"

"Trin, give me your good ear!"
Holy shit, what now? "You know, Sonny's girl doesn't look Chinese. Does she look Chinese to you?"

Trin considers this, "I don't know what it is, but your right, she doesn't look Chinese. But she says she is not Chinese anyway, she is Hong Kong." She is pleased with herself that she has remembered that she was told this.

"Uh, Hong Kong is China." I say.

A lightbulb goes off above the head of the empty gourd. "I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW!" Oh Christ! I will so leave her behind to walk home if she doesn't shut the fuck up.

She proceeds to put her fingers up to the outsides of her eyes, "She doesn't have this." and stretches them out! I kid you not!

"Your right!" Trin says, as if my mother just revealed the cure for cancer. And proceeds to mimic the actions of the empty gourd. "She doesn't!" Please God, don't let Sonny's fiance look this way while these two bittys are making faces. Pleased with themselves like they figured out the meaning of life.

Thankfully the food arrives and they stuff their pie holes. As soon as my mother finishes the last bite I hustle her out of there.

I know they were not being malicious, but for some reason I want the world to believe, (at least while I am with her) that my mother is not a complete social retard.


Guess Who said...

om fuckin god...u can still make me piss my pants laughing...leave your poor mother alone child or I am telling on you! You do realize you get your sarcasism from someone in the family..think it may be momma...lmfao...

kelly said...

omfg...ahhhahaha it's still funnier to hear you say it. Oooooh too funny. you gotta hang out with them two MORE! they sound like fun girls and you could get more stories, come on you could be rich! LMAO

Trin's daughter, Nadine said...

i can just see this whole event occuring.. lol.. my eyes are watering i'm laughing so hard! lol lol lol

I have to share this with Paul!


nadine said...

Hi again.. I just read your "story" to Paul.. who heard me laughing and had to come up from the family room to see what I was laughing so hard about..

"been there" .. lol

Adam said...

"...she is Hong Kong"

Hilarious. Great story.