Things I know to be true:
- No matter what time of night or day.....Ricky Martin will make you dance.
- If you absolutely need to be somewhere...it will snow like a son of a whore. And if you buy a snow blower, you are absolutely guaranteed to have no snow worth blowing.
- Bread always lands butter side down...unless there is cheese on the other side.
- Once you hit 40, anything you say about the opposite sex will sound lecherous.
- Susan Lucci needs to stop wearing open neck dresses. (Gobble, Gobble) That ship has sailed Erica! (believe me, it is much worse in person)
- Some people just can not sing live. You know who you are, Faith Hill. Do us all a favor and lip sync for Christ's sake.
- If you want people to think that is your real hair, your beard cannot be drastically different from said hair.
- If there is a winning lottery ticket in the store...the guy in front or behind you will purchase it.
- Mustaches only work for Magnum PI and 70's porn stars. Let - it - go.
Things I have been overheard as saying:
- While admiring a particularly yummy piece of man ass (was that politically correct? No? Good, that is what I was going for.)"Ah, if only I were ten years younger... I would still be a pedophilia, but, my God, that kid is gorgeous."
- Someone suggested I 'go for it'. I replied, "Good grief! I just don't have the bone structure for that anymore."
- "How's that workin' out for ya?"
- "Look, I don't really care what your phone number is, you can make something up for all I care." I was in a mood, and hopefully not getting call coached.
- "Women love men in a different way, like you love the village idiot." Can't remember where I had heard that, but it is true.
- When I realized my son had downloaded an entire album by Wham. "You know, Mom will love you even if you are gay."
- "You know how they say that inside every fat woman is a thin one screaming to get out? I know this is true...because I ate her."
- "Did you just say, if he walks like a duck? ...Dude, if he walks like a duck, you can be reasonably sure he is mentally ill. Who the fuck walks like a duck?"
Random stupid things:
- A break-in at a local residence netted the thieves eight restricted hand guns, Police are concerned that " they may fall into the wrong hands..."
HELLO, they are already in the wrong hands, Moron!
- This is what my sister considers an appropriate Christmas tree. Yes, that is copper pipe.
- A woman was struck and killed while taking her daily walk. This is why I only walk to the car, exercise kills.
- A woman was found dead in a trunk at a local school. Police are not confirming if there was any foul play. WTF? How the hell do you think she got into the trunk?
- - Why do advertisers think I will believe their claims if all they have to back it up is a cartoon? "Hey, that cartoon clearly shows this product curing cancer. That is enough for me, by gum!"
- A murder suicide happened locally about a week ago. The police are still investigating. What the hell is there to investigate. Uh, the one with the gun is the killer.
That's all I have time for. Hope you have a great New Year. See you in 2006.
2 comments:
just like all the fires around here lately, the fire marshall inspector guy says they may never know what caused at least 2. shouldn't they be able to figure that shit out now? hellooo csi! lol
Your sister's Christmas tree kicks ass. Do you think she'll sell it to me?
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