They grow �em weird in the south.

I have to tell you that the few customers I have written about on this blog are most definitely the more saner ones. I have not had an actual crazy person myself yet but discussions around the �water cooler� can make you snort. I will paraphrase a few for you here.

One woman said her computer turned off and that she had read in the Enquirer that the martians could do that. You know, black out your computer. She was dead serious.

A man wanted to know why the Undisclosed Computer Software Company� was sending him popups on how to extend his peinis size. He was convinced that it was us that was doing it and he wanted to know where we got our information because he had told no one about his conserns about his small penis.

Another woman said that the Undisclosed Computer Software Company � was sending rocks through the internet. She could hear them in her cdrom drive but when she opened the drive, the evidence would mysteriously disappear. She wanted us to please stop at once.

A man from (we are assuming) the deep south was convinced that the FBI was hacking into his computer because he wrote a Roswellesk type newsletter. He said he needed to speak to �the boss� immediately to warn him because he felt that he would be targeted next.

The most halarious part of all these stories is that they all had retail versions of the software and had to be put through (for free) to tech support. Those guys do not make enough money.

Whadda ya want for nuttin�?

�Ya, I want to talk to a tech about this software, and I ain�t paying no bullshit charge either.�

�Ok, Sir, can you read to me everything it says on the installation disk?�

�For distribution with a new pc only, for product support contact the manufacturer of your computer.�

�Ok, and who is the manufacturer of your pc?�

�I built it myself.�

�So, how did you obtain that copy of the software?�

�The Buddy at the store sold me a broken hard drive and the software for 30 bucks and I sold the hard drive back to him for 3 bucks.�

�And now you are looking for free support?�

--CLICK--

I kid you not!

This is an actual call I took last night.

�Ya, I read in the Unmentionable PC Magazine� that Service pack 1 slows down your machine, and I was to call you to get a free patch for that.�

I get ready to direct him to the support article and he cuts me off.

�Here�s the thing. I don�t have service pack 1, where do I get it. I want to download it so I can then call you back to get the free patch.�

This guy needs to get a life. He wants to download a product that he believes to be defective, just to get something free. Ok, Moron. I direct him to the site for the service pack and the article that talks him through the patch process. Then I thank him for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.


---CLICK---

Little does he know, that all the free �patch� does, is uninstall the service pack. But Hey, he obviously doesn�t have anything better to do.

What ever happened to the good ol� days of illiteracy?

People need to stop reading. Print, that is. This is the computer age for Christ�s sake! And if you insist on reading things you don�t understand, stop calling me.

�Ya, I read this article in an Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� that said Service Pack 1 will slow down my computer and I want the patch.�

�The patch sir?� (Service pack 1 is a compilation of patches and hotfixes to the program. It is, in itself, a patch of sorts)

�Ya, I want it.�

�When did you install Service Pack 1?�

�A couple months ago.�

�And when did you read this article?�

I quickly bring up the article (not his, but ours) concerning this issue.

You may experience slower computer performance after you install the 811493 security update package on a computer that is running Product X Service Pack 1 (SP1), or after you upgrade to SP1 on a Product X-based computer on which the 811493 security update was previously installed. This problem may be more likely to occur if you use some features of some third-party programs, such as antivirus programs. For example, this problem may occur if your antivirus program is configured to scan all files when you open (or you run) them. This is sometimes called "real-time" scanning.

�Yesterday.�

�And you are just noticing the slow down now.�

�No, everything seems to be working fine, but Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� told me I needed the patch. Can I have it please? It says right in the article to call this number to request a patch for free.� (If they told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that? Well would you? Please.)

(Ok, if this moron insists on reading)

�Sir I would like to direct you to our support page, where you will find an article that will answer all your questions (if you weren�t such a crayon) as well as step-by-step instructions on how to solve your problem.�

�I don�t have a problem, I just want the patch. The article says you have to give it to me.�

�First of all sir, the Unmentionable �PC� Magazine� is in no way affiliated with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. What we can do is direct you to the articles at our own site to correct your problem.�

�I said there is no problem.�

�Well sir, the sole purpose of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� is to reslove problems with your Product X, if you have no problem then I can�t help you.�

�I�m not running Product X.� (and that in a nut shell is his whole problem, he downloaded a service pack for a product that he didn�t even have. Welcome to my world.)

�Well, Sir, the slowdown is only with Product X�
--CLICK-- He probably hung up to call his congressman. (ya, that�s it)

I think the first problem that this guy is having is that he is reading a magazine that should really come with a disclaimer.

---�If your mother and father were brother and sister, please do not read this magazine.---
---May contain words with more than one syllable.�---

You just can't make this shit up.

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel. How can I help you.

�Ya, I need help installing your stupid Product X software. I have been trying for hours, what kind of a stupid product is this, nothing is working. Put me through to a technician or I swear I will get rid of all this shit and buy a XYZ computer.�

�Ok, sir, lets see what we can do. Do you have the installation cd?�

�Yes.�

�Can you read to me everything it says on that cd?�

�It just says Product X.�

�Is that all?� (I am trying to determine if this crayon has support. Wether he has a retail version or OEM?)

�Yes�

�It doesn�t� say anything else?�

�Nope, just Product X, and a really long number.�

�Sir, is it written in black marker?�

�Ya.�

I wait a beat till his brain catches up to him. (ok, two beats).

--CLICK--

Happy Mother�s Day Yawl!

Mother�s day at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� started out uneventful.

It was pretty slow since all the halfwits were apparently busy dropping off the weed whackers that they bought their dear old mom�s for Mother�s Day, we pretty much sat around doing next to nothing.

Not as enjoyable as you might think. I found myself trying to chat up the few people that did call, just to alleviate the boredom.

I even had an argument with one guy who insisted that I could not possibly be in the Canada, since he did not call Canada. And, furthermore, if it was indeed true he was "madder 'en hell" for being �tricked� into calling long distance for support.

I tried to explain to him that his call was routed through Seattle, but since he was not sharp enough to change his own fonts, without coughing up $35 for tech support, it was useless to try and get him to grasp telephone routing procedures. After assuring him that if he was to incur (believe me I did not use that word) long distance charges they would be totally refunded, he replied, �Damn straight, I will. Not falling for some sneaky C�nadien.�

Okey Dokey! Yup, us sneaky C�nadiens, we control the long distance y�know. It�s all a big conspiracy. Trick the Yanks into calling us and trap �em, take their guns and sell them whale blubber.

Like we would bother to trick these crayons. It�s too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel.

�Y�all come back naw, y�heer!�

Halarious Sad, but true.

This is quite possibly the funniest site I have been to in a long time. It will be listed posthaste on my link bar.

Just a taste:

She keeps making me carry tampons around - 'Here, have these, just in case.'
'Oooooooh, why can't you carry them?'
'I've got no pockets.'
Then, of course, I forget about them. And the next time I'm meeting The Duchess of Kent or someone I pull a handkerchief out of my pocket and shower feminine hygiene products everywhere.

You must read it to believe it.

New policy at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

The management in their infinite wisdom have decided that we should warm transfer all customers. Warm transfer means that we actually call the new number, introduce the two parties and then hang up.

This is a really bad idea. Especially for OEM. If any of you have ever tried to call Dell or Compaq or any other computer manufacturer you are no doubt aware that their telephone menu systems are complete nightmares. To top it all off, I can�t work the phone worth shit.

Computers are no problem to me, but give me a phone with more than the obligatory number keys and I am a total vegetable.

After hooking three people in a row and sitting on hold for half an hour with Bestbuy I decided that I would change the policy for myself. No more warm transfers for me. It doesn�t work, anyway. The people I didn�t hang up on were people who had to call back because someone else had hooked them. So it isn�t just me.

This is a bad policy. Not only are we pissing the people off that we are hooking, but we are pissing the rest of them off because we are so tied up on hold with OEM that they can�t get through for hours.

Silence is golden.

Is it just me or does it seem that as soon as someone on Survivor thinks they have the upper hand, they are the next to be voted out?

Roger, Dena, Alex, Christy and now Heidi. They usually make a speech and say something really stupid about how they have things wrapped up during the tribal council and �BOOM� they are outta there.

You would think after 5 in a row that people would learn to keep their fucking mouth shut.

And Heidi�s speech was priceless. �I am the mastermind behind half of the plots so far.� Is she on crack? Her and Jenna must be sharing a brain.

I have to say that out of all of them Rob is the smartest. He lies to them, gets caught in that lie and still they trust him. Shades of Richard Hatch.

I think the final two will be Matt and Rob, and Matt will take it in the end.

We�ll see.

A Big ol� ray of sunshine.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, could I have your name please?�

�Dave�

�How can I help you, Dave?�

�I can�t get my fuckin computer to work.�

�Ok, Dave, as a customer service representative�.blah blah blah�(I am paraphrasing, but you get that don�t you, blah blah blah is frowned upon at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�)

A couple of questions later we determine:

A) It�s a clone - built this puppy with his own two hands.
B) He�s running software version 3.1 - obsolete, it was released in April of �92
C) He has an OEM version - supported by manufacturer, which in this case would be him.

I explain the above to him.

�The only option I have for you today would be our self help website��

�I want to talk to a person, I don�t want the fuckin� website.�

�Well Dave, the software you are running is considered obsolete and no longer supported by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. If you would like to try�.�

�Your just trying to get me to pay some fuckin� charge, its all a money grab for your guys.�

�Actually, Dave, no I couldn�t take your money because, as I said, your product is obsolete and no longer supported by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. There is no one here trained on that software.�

�Are you telling me that I paid hundreds of dollars for this software and I can�t get any support?� (ya, like he paid hundreds of dollars 10 years ago, he probably got it last week at a yard sale.)

�Well, sir if you check our website it does state that software has a lifecycle. And it clearly states that software has mainstream support for up to 5 years and online support for 8, the software you are running is over 10 years old."

�What about the hundreds of people out there that are forced to use your software only to be abandoned by you after a few years?�

�Sir, are you saying that I should still have warranty on my �57 Chevy?�

CLICK.

God, I love this job.

Time, Gentlemen, please.

It�s 12:58am at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and I am off at one. I was just about to sign off my phone when the fuckin� thing rings. Ok, I hope it is a quick one.

�Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is Evel, may I have your name please?�

�Jess, me nayme isa Madia? Mooay cumputair is no work.� At least that is what I think she said.

FUCK ME GENTLY! I have 2 minutes till quittin� time and I got fucking Charo on the line. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Now I am thinking, what possessed the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� to discontinue the Spanish Line?

�Mariea? What seems to be the problem?� She doesn�t hear me, so I have to speak much louder.

She starts rambling and I can�t understand a word she is saying. I rack my brain on how to get rid of her as quickly as possible, hoping like hell she is OEM so I can pass her off to Dell or some such place. I am trying to get a word in edgewise to determine this when I hear,

�...en it no go off�

�Mariea, are you saying your computer will not turn off?� , this sends the whole line of cubicles into fits of laughter.

�Jess�

I have to put her on mute because I am about to have an aneurism from holding my own laughter.

Gaining control of myself, �Have you tried the power button?�

�Eees no ting say power?�

�Well, no, but there is a button on the front of the computer itself that if you push it in, it will turn the computer off.�

�no, jus computer on, no off� Oh, they do not pay me enough for this shit.

�Mariea, it is the same button for off and for on.�

�I push and it go off?�

�Yes, Mariea, try it now.�

�ju want I push?�

�Yes please, Mariea.�

�It go black�

�Ok, so its off, is there anything else I can do for you Mariea?� Please say no, please say no.

�Jess� FUCK! I am banging my head on the desk now, and everyone around me is again in fits of laughter. Why did I say it? Because I have been conditioned by the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� to say it, that�s why.

�Tomorrow I push, and it come on?�

�Yes, Mariea, it will come back on when you push it again.�

�I do now, ju wait.�

She says something in Spanish that I take to indicate that she is truly amazed at the magical on/off button.

�O-J� and with that she promptly hangs up on me. No �thank you�, nothing. Its 1:15am, and I am so preconditioned that I say, to the dead air, �Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, have a nice day.�

Fun and Games at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. My name is Evel, may I have your name please?

�No, I want to be transferred to tech support right now.�

He has stumped me. But I go on with my schpeal.

�As a customer service representative, I will be working with you to see how the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� can best assist you. May I have your telephone number starting with the area code please?�

�No, I have been transferred around to different numbers all day and I am not doing it any more, I want tech support now!�

�Sir, I can�t transfer you unless�..�

�I am telling you right now, I will not give you any information, I gave it to the last three people I talked to and I am tired of it. Just put me through.�

Now what do I do?

�Well sir, if I don�t know what type of tech support you need I will be unable to transfer you to the proper group. And if I just send you to one and it turns out to be the wrong one, they will just transfer you back to me and we will have to begin again.�

Silence.

�What kind of fucking outfit are you running� over there at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I paid a lot of money for this shit and now I need support and you have to ask me a hundred questions before I can get any help.�

�Well sir, we ask these questions so that we can transfer you properly and you will receive help faster.�

He ain�t buying it. This is about 10 min into the call and I still don�t know this assholes name.

�Why can�t you just transfer me to tech support.�

I am wondering now if he thinks its just me and another guy here at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I take the information and Gerry over there talks them through their problem. This is a very large company we are talking about. There are hundreds of tech support people and not all of them here, there are many locations across the country as well as overseas and in the US.

�Well sir, first I have to determine your support options and then I transfer you to the tech support that deals with your specific problem. One group deals with X but knows nothing about Y or Z, so I need to know exactly which product you have.�

He begrudgingly gives up his phone number. Finally I can find this guy in the system. Lo and behold there is already a case number assigned to him. I have the assholes name. (I want to call him Bubba, but I resist the urge)

�Dave, can I ask if you are calling on a continuing issue?�

�As a matter of fact I am!�

For the love of God, why didn�t he just say that in the first place, I could have brought up the case and he would have been transferred in seconds. But no, this guy had to be a hard ass.

�Did they give you a case number, can I have that please?�

�No, I told you I am not repeating myself one more time.�

Ok there is more than one way to skin a cat.

�That�s fine Dave, I can search through your file for the case number if you are unwilling to read it off the paper you are holding in your hand, hold please.�

CLICK!

I let him sit on hold for 3 minutes while I laugh about him with my coworkers. When I come back on the line I talk very slowly so he will have to wait that much longer to be transferred. I go through the case and ask him questions, (to determine if it is the same issue) give him the hours of operation for the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, the self help website etc, etc. He is really steamed now.

Again, very slowly, �Before I transfer you, is there anything else I can help you with today Dave?�

�Oh for Christ�s sake would you just transfer me?�

�Ok, Dave, (extra slowly) if there is nothing else I can help you with I will be transferring you now to the next available agent in our X product group. I want to thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, and you have a good day. B-bye.�

He is cursing in the background while I transfer him. The entire call took just over 16 minutes.

I love my job.

Words of Wisdom

Men are like a fine wine.

They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

You really do get what you pay for.

Spent all day yesterday at my sisters while my car was being �fixed�. And, you guessed it, it is still not fixed.

Got it back at 8 last night and the guy says that he has to wait for a part. Big surprise! I had dropped it off at 8 in the morning, why couldn�t he have determined then that he needed a part and then he would have had all day to locate it.

Instead he waits till 5pm to look at it and of course no auto parts stores are open so now I have to give up my day off next week as well. I hate mechanics.

And the worst of it is is that I can�t complain really because I am not paying for this �work� to be done. I wish I had never taken it to my Brother-in-law�s guy, I would sooner pay through the nose to get the fuckin� thing fixed properly than get shoddy work done for free.

Last American Idol.

I am not watching AI anymore, I am sorry. But they just put Ruben & Trenyce up for elimination.

What the hell is wrong with American voters? Do they really think that just because that little marine Joshua wins this thing that he has a hope in hell of selling any records?

I am all for patriotism but come on people, he really doesn't have enough talent to pull off a singing career. This is supposed to be a talent show, and the most talented person should win. So now, thanks to some idiot americans with nothing better to do than call the stupid vote line a hundred times a minute, Trenyce, who has more talent in her little finger than Jashua has in his entire body, is out.

The good news is that I doubt that Trenyce will fall by the wayside, she is just too talented. But come on America, this is a talent show, not prom king.

Lovin' every minute at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

I am pretty sure I am starting to piss people off and they may corner me out in the parking lot and kick the crap out of me. Either that or they will soon instigate a random drug testing program at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�.

I absolutely love my job. And I tell people all the time.

THEM: �So, how�s it going so far?�

ME: �I love it, I am havin� a ball!�

THEM: �Oh, just wait till you get some guy that is screamin in your ear and calling you a bitch.�

ME: �Oh, I like them the best. The dirtier they get the sweeter I am. And if they get really dirty, I just hook them��..you know�..by accident.� {evil grin}

People give me that �are you fucking on something� look, and I just laugh my fool head off.

I guess they just have to realize where I am coming from. My last job was a nightmare every single day. I dreaded going to work. But now I am around friendly people, the pay is good and a monkey could do my job so it isn�t all that taxing. I have full (free) benefits, 10 days vacation a year and a pension plan.

I really can�t complain. And I don�t.

Tomorrow (well it�s today now) is my day off, and I will spend it at the mechanics trying to get my car fixed. Now THAT pisses me off. But that�s another story.

That Fuckin' DickHead, Sir Sandford Fleming.

We complained to the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� (Yanks)(American) that if we are supposed to be paid on the 24th that one second after midnight our pay should be in the bank. His reply:

"It's your own (Canadian) fault for inventing fucking time zones in the first place. The big boss of Undisclosed Customer Service Center� lives in California, deal with it."

Ain't that just like a Canadian, never thinking things through.

You can all rest easy.

I am happy to report that I finished my first shift at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� and no one lost a limb, nothing blew up and the company shares are still worth the paper they are printed on.

Yeah me!

Make way for the envoy!

They are actually setting us loose on the place tonight, with no backup. This is the first day of my 5-1 shift.

I will try not to bring the company down from the inside.

HAPPY EASTER!

This was just too halarious not to post.

I recieved this in an email today.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner
in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we
said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the
rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what
are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"
my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty
here, too don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making
much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his
mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think,
Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very
interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to
step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not inlabor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....
masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at
my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent,
absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded,
knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now
running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you
pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks... Pictures of
your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

I almost choked to death, I laughed so hard.

And another thing.....those are my real nails.

Welcome to Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. What the fuck do you want? How may I help you today?

Ok, yesterday I was a little freaked out. We sat with a coach and �role played� and were marked for it. Luckily I remembered that I could put her on hold if I didn�t know what to do and actually ask her. I put her on hold 3 times in one call.

After lunch the instructor sent the ones who �got� it, out on the floor. We were supposed to work the tools while the CSR did the talking. I was doing ok, she at one point was pointing frantically at the computer screen, but nothing blew up or anything.

Then the instructor, we will call him Don, (since he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt on this particular day) does the little �thumb and pinkie� motion and mouths �Did you take a call yet?�.

�WHAT!�

The CSR informs me that I have to actually talk to a customer before I leave for the day. At this point my head starts pounding. You know the feeling that your blood is trying to escape your body from any orifice it can find and apparently that would be the roots of your hair.

I get through it without totally screwing it up. Then the phone rings again.

�That was great, do one more.�

SHIT!!

Well she says that 4 more times. Finally, its time to clock out.

�You did great�. (I am still unconvinced)

I think a couple of them caught on that maybe this was my first time on the phones but thankfully they were nice about it. One man, with a deep southern accent, was giving me his information and after I apologised three times for asking him to repeat something he said, �Dant worray dawlin, yer doin faan�.

I left there with a pounding headache and a hemeroid.

I suppose I should file that last bit under �too much information�, oh well.

We get the weekend off, and one more day (Monday) of training and then they set us loose on the place.

I guess I just have to remember that the people calling up are more confused than I am and they probably aren�t calling up to confirm launch codes or anything like that. So if they get redirected to the wrong place it will not result in nuclear meltdown.

The fate of the free world is not in my hands. (Thank fuck for that, eh!) Just relax, breathe and give it my best shot.

"Thank you for calling Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, you have a good day."

On the payroll at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�

We got our schedules today. I will be working 5pm to 1am with Wednesdays and Saturdays off. All the people in our class are on the same schedules with different days off. Some of them were not happy with the ones they got, but I am fine with mine, considering we will have all of our days free if we need to get to the bank or whatnot.

Today was a nightmare, we had to �role play�. I am really great with the tools, but I absolutely suck out loud when it comes to knowing what to say and when to say it. Our instructor tells me I am doing fine, and it will all come together when I am out on the floor doing actual calls. I am not convinced.

Before the whole �role play� fiasco, we did call shadowing. Where we sit with a CSR and basically watch and listen. And if we were feeling lucky, we could use the tools while she spoke to the customer. The one I was assigned to was a complete moron. She didn�t use the tools in the way we were taught, so I was completely lost watching her.

When she didn�t know what to do (or couldn�t be bothered) she would just (in her words) make shit up. It was a complete waste of my time, she was no help whatsoever. She spent most of her time instant messaging her friends and checking her email.

Then she turns to me and says, �Do you want to do this (indicating the computer) while I talk?�

�Do what? I have no fucking idea what the hell you are doing.�

She laughs and says �Oh, I don�t do it the right way, but it mostly gets done.�

I am sure the people who call in appreciate her complete lack of competence , when they have to call back because she has directed them to the wrong techie in Butt Fuck Nowhere.

Quick or Thick?

I am sitting in my training session today, buzzing through the exercises in record time. I sit, bored, waiting for the rest of the class to catch up so we can go over the answers.

Then I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Am I done because I know this shit, or am I missing something? Could it be this easy? There are so many who are having real trouble with this stuff, maybe I am doing it so fast because I am doing it wrong.

I think I will go with the delusion that I am just a naturally gifted CSR.

SHMILY!

Inspired by a post read on aka laurie.

My son and I have a bit of a tradition going. Every so often I will write SHMILY! on something in his room, schoolbag, the fridge etc. It may take him up to a week to �stumble� across it but when he does he has to come and give me a kiss.

Then it is his turn to write it on something. One time I lifted the receiver of the phone and saw SHMILY! written on the part that goes up to your ear. The goofier the place, the better.

We have been doing it for years now and it always makes me feel better when I am feeling down.

Oh, by the way SHMILY! means,
See
How
Much
I
Love
You!

A joke we used to tell when we were kids.

Q. If you are going up the river backwards in a canoe and your wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to build an dog house?

Click and drag your mouse to reveal the answer below.

-->A. Frogs don't wear rubber boots.

If you say it right it will make you laugh so hard that snot will come out of your eyeballs. Ok, maybe that was just me.

Awe and Amaze.

All new Scratch & Sniff technology for the internet.

I guess the singing helped.

Tales from the Gulag

My new job comes with a slight headache. You have a key card you have to swipe to get in and out. (I am not even going to tell you how bad the picture is on this thing�..I wear it backwards...nuf said)

Yesterday I was trapped inside for 10 minutes while trying to swipe out at the revolving door entrance. I would swipe the card, enter the chamber and try and push the door open. When it wouldn�t budge I would step out of the chamber and swipe again. After doing this a half a dozen times (finally) someone behind me informed me that the door was automatic, that if I just remained in the chamber (for like 4 beats) the door would move automatically.

WTF? Don�t you think that would be something that they would let you know before they set you loose on the place. I guess they assume that would be something everyone would know. I worked in a basement of a guys house for 7 years and couldn�t work the thermostat. I need instruction!

Happy Birthday!

My brother is 45! Everybody sing!

We have reached the half way mark.

Well it�s half way through my training and it seems to be going well. We were tested today and I got a 97, so I guess I am at least retaining some of the masses of information they are feeding us. After the test we sat with an employee and basically watched them work all afternoon, which was interesting.

After three months off work the only thing that is a bit much to get used to is the early mornings. The good news is that once I am through with the training, I will be on 5pm to 1am shift and that shouldn�t fuck up my sleep patterns.

Also we have to decide what vacation time we want (we have 8 days we have to take between June and the end of the year) we submit our request and wait for approval. I told them that since I have been off since January, I really don�t care what days I get, so they will probably just give me whatever is left. Which is ok with me, a few days of here and there will suit me fine. Besides the request process is a bit confusing and could take numerous attempts to finalize your vacation time. After listening to him describe the process I just got a brain cramp. I will worry more about it for next year.

Tomorrow we start the second half of the training, which is (I believe) hands on with the computers. Should be interesting. Wish me luck.

Holy Mackerel!

Check this out. Wouldn't you love to work at a place like this? We were shown a video today. It was called FISH! This is the work ethic we should try to emulate.

Live Camera at Pike Place Market
(This is Seattle, Washington so depending on what time zone you are in you might just see an empty stall. But take the time to check back during business hours. This is a hoot!)

After the video, we joked, "Do we have to throw a fish everytime the phone rings or can we just answer it?"

I hope this is really what the atmosphere will be like and they are not just fuckin' with our heads.

The wonderful world of acronyms.

With the first day of training under my belt I have come to the realization that I will never speak in complete sentences again. Everything has an acronym and everyone speaks in them. It�s like listening to people speak another language. The down side is that when they talk that way it always seems like it is an inside joke and that the joke is on you. Now if I can just keep from fucking up my time keeping, I will be fine.

For some reason this disappeared, have to republish.
APRIL 1, 2003

YES, YES, YES!!!


I am now gainfully employed! The woman just called and offered me a position.


And now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!








A special thanks to:

Kimmy - Feeder of the Unemployed
Anne - Career Councillor Extraordinaire
Tracey - Exceptional Reference Giver
Bernadette - Woman�s Center Goddess
Mom - For picking up the slack
Adele - Sister and Warrior Princess (she kept the repo man away from my car)

WTF?

For some reason my fucking blog won't load.

I am seriously PO'ed!

That extra mile.

The BigBrother phoned last night from Bermuda. I thought that was so sweet. You see, ever since he became the BigBrother he would call my son on Friday nights to make plans for Saturday. We never expected for him to call while he was away getting hitched, but he did.

I hope his new wife realizes just how lucky she is.

Yet another traumatic experience.

Night before last, my f-ing front tooth took that opportunity to disintegrate. So there I am, 6pm with no front tooth, and less than a week (that�s two dentist days) before I start a brand new job. Just Gods way of saying, �Hey, asshole, don�t get too happy.� It is one of the reasons I am terrified of winning the lottery. I am convinced the second they pass me that giant check I will be struck by lightning.

But I digress. I call and leave a message for my dentist.

HELP--STOP--FRONT TOOTH--STOP--MIA--STOP--NEW JOB MONDAY--STOP

Well, that�s $150 for an emergency visit right off the fucking bat. But what can you do? I can�t show up at a new job looking like something off The Trailer Park Boys. So, now there is nothing left to do but wait and pray that he can take me.

He calls me back the next morning, he can take me at 4pm. Great! I pop an Atavan around 3. The last time I was at the dentist he gave me the rescription and told me not to come back unless I took them. (I am a bit of a coward huge baby when it comes to the dentist) I arrive at the dentist�s office pleasantly medicated and $300 later I have a perfect smile. (ok, so it is tobacco stained, but it�s not gapped toothed)

I just hope that God lets me work long enough to pay off some bills before he torches the place.


UPDATE: But things are looking up.

After my traumatic dental experience, the boy and I went to Fibber's for supper.




The boy had deep fried ice cream for desert.




And I had this, strawberry cheesecake. MMMMMMM!

Memories.

I had company last night, Mary and Doug. They visit me once a year and it always brings back great memories.

Back before my son was born we lived in Aspen (not Colorado), a very small rural community. Lots of lakes and cottages. Doug had a �camp� on the lake (men call them camps) behind our house. In a community like Aspen, everyone �visits�, that�s what you do because there is nothing much else going on. Unless of course someone is getting married and they open up the rifle range for the reception.

Anyway, we spent a lot of time at the camp. Sitting around the campfire while Ivan, my son�s godfather, played the spoons and sang. Or sitting around the woodstove drinking and telling stories while the boys cooked deer steak and boiled corn. Even when I was pregnant, I would haul my humongous ass down the dirt road to the camp and swim in the lake.

That camp was the reason I was pregnant in the first place. Once when we were sitting on the bank of the lake, throwing rocks into the lake for the dog ,Cooter, to retrieve (that dog would retrieve anything, from sun up to sun down) a boat pulled up. It was an older man from across the lake. He had his grandson with him who was about 5 years old. He was all decked our for fishing, little hip waders, fishing vest and even a hat with fish hooks on it. He was the most adorable thing you have ever seen. Later that evening around the campfire my �ex� and his brother-in-law were 10 sheets to the wind,

The ex, in tears - �I wish I had a little fella to take fishin.�

He went on and on about what he would do with a �little fella� of his own. Ball games, fishing, and camping. Well I held him off for a while, made him jump through a few hoops (�not till we have a house� that sort of thing) thinking he would give up on the idea. I wasn�t all that anxious to give up my partying days quite yet. During this time my friend had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, so, with that thought running through my head, I agreed. After all, it wouldn�t happen right away, right? It was taking my friend all this time to conceive, and maybe if we were trying, it would get the ex off my back. Perhaps he would get it out of his system.

Well I guess you see where this is going. From the minute we stopped using protection it took about a week for me to get pregnant. I had my son, and 8 months after that (long, long story short) I left the ex and never looked back. It has been just my son and I for the last 12 years. And the only good thing about the ex, is that he talked me into having him. I couldn�t imagine life without my son now. We have a ball together.

You want to take a guess on how many times my ex has taken his son fishing? Exactly once. He has never taken him to a ball game, and has only ever shown up for my sons ball game twice. (and incidentally he never got out of the car) My son has been in hockey for two years, the first year his father (and I use the term loosely) showed up for one game and one practice. This year, not one game. His girlfiend, however, has been to quite a few.(go figure)

Again, I say, thank God for the BigBrother, he really picked up the slack. I can�t imagine a �father� doing more. He shows up for the ball games, hockey games and takes him to practice. He takes him to the movies, fishing, camping and just hangs out with him on the weekends.

My son still gets very upset with his father, I know it hurts him that he never shows up for anything but I know that the BigBrother makes up for a lot of that. Maybe someday (no doubt when its too late) his father will realize just how much he missed. I try to tell him how exciting it is to see his son hit a home run or score a goal on a break-a-way, but he just doesn�t get it. Oh well, it�s his loss is absolutely our gain.

Sometimes, it's just cool to hear the word.

Last night on Judging Amy, Donna was interviewing people for her blog. How cool is that?

Perhaps someday, in the not so distant future, we will actually be able to say the word �blog� without people giving that weird "are-you-speaking-Klingon" look.

Apparently I am awesome.(who knew?)

Got a call from one of the people I used as a reference for the new job. She wanted me to know how it went. She praised me to the highest.

I started to laugh and say "so, you basically lied through your teeth?"

"You know me Evel, I would never lie for you." (holy shit! I had forgotten about the born again thing.)

"Wow, if I hadn't forgotten about that, I probably wouldn't have listed you as a reference."

I guess I didn't realize how much I helped her. You know how people thank you and say stuff like "what would I do without you?" ? You take it with a grain of salt, right? Well there is nothing like a true Christian to let you know that sometimes, just sometimes, people aren't just blowing smoke up your ass.

Just never ask them, "do I look fat in this dress?"

Very interesting....

Another email directing me to more spine chilling info on Iraq and Saddam

This guy is one sick puppy.

Twelve hours later.

This is the same stretch of road, 12 hours later.

Line up, two by two.

This almost stopped me from getting to my interview.




We had a lot of flooding, but hey, we still have a sense of humour about it.

And she's back!

Well, that went extemely well. I didn't fuck up during the interview and afterwards they let me sit with one of the guys and listen to him take calls (to make sure it was something I would enjoy doing). He was halarious.

Everyone seemed to be having a ball. It was a very relaxed atmosphere. I really hope I get this job. I will know for sure by Monday, if not sooner.

T minus 20 minutes and counting.

I leave for my interview in 5 minutes. I am really starting to get nervous. It's raining like a son of a whore outside and I just know I will arrive looking like a fucking drowned rat.

God, help me.

Time's a wastin'.

This is a handy little utility, and Atomic clock.

You tell 'em Grandma!

Got this in an email today, not sure of the origin.

"This is from an Army captain stationed in DC.
To nobody's surprise there were protestors today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia.

I got hosed twice because I come in from NoVA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse anyway...to the point-- I got off my train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom. When I was getting back on the train, there were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a guesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said,

"Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said,

"Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words."

The best things come in email.

I got this in an email the other day, I am still laughing.

"My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his
forehead. "

And another thing...

"Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them.

Personally, I thnk if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow!"

Tell me something I don't know.

This is a very useful tool, although I don't see anywhere on the site, suggestions on how to fix the problems. More than likely I am just too lazy to look. Anyway, it looks to me like the only people having real problems viewing my page are Mac users, and Win users who just won't upgrade their browser.

NOW who is the lazy one?

Any way take a look at my Public Project try it out for yourself. It's very informative....sort of.

I�m up, I�m up!

My friend, Kimmy, woke me up this morning to tell me I didn�t have to get up to drive her to work (how considerate).

So now I am up I spend a couple hours reading up on the war. It is looking like this is going to take longer than Bush expected. But it seems most people are worried about what will happen after the war is over. That will be the true test of it. As long as the US does it right I think all the nay-sayers will be silenced.

Some people I have spoken with have voiced concerns that Bush is just starting with Iraq. That he will soon move on to Iran, and Korea. I think if he is smart he will do just that. Use the success of the war to put the fear of God (figure of speech not religious) into oppressive regimes all over the world. I think it is about time that we drag the world kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Oppressed people in this world should know that there is someone out there that will stick up for them when their own leaders won�t, like (yes I will say it) a big brother.

People are saying Bush wants to rule the world. Come on people, he could only do it for 8 years, tops. At least he has the guts to do something, instead of worrying about his political career. People call him a bully, I say he is more like the kid who helps the little guy fight back. He will only have to do it a couple of times before the really bullies of this world realize that if they are going to pick on people he is going to have their backs. (to put it simplistically)

They say Iraq is second only to Syria in oil reserves. So I think that once Saddam is ousted, your going to see a much better quality of life there for all the people.

Who needs Tony Robbins?

Iraqi Soldiers Say It Was Fight or Die

A post from Blogs of War.

Finally someone asks an ativist the question everyone wants to know. This post is taken from Blogs of War.

"12:15am CST

An Iraqi exile confronts a "peace" activist. This is one of the best things I've ever heard: Listen (mp3)"

To spring or not to spring...

This is three days ago.



And this is today.

Geneva Convention

With all the recent talk about the Geneva Convention, I thought it might be informative if we all became familiar with the actual wording of it. There is also a PowerPoint presentation on it as well.

Geneva Convention: The Rules of War

Rule 1: Warring nations cannot use chemical weapons against each other.

Rule 2: The use of expanding bullets or materials calculated to cause unnecessary suffering is prohibited. An expanding bullet, upon impact, explodes within the body.

Rule 3: The discharge of projectiles (such as bullets or rockets) from balloons is prohibited. (Balloons?)

Rule 4: Prisoners of war must be humanely treated and protected from violence. Prisoners cannot be beaten or used for propaganda purposes (to try to change the way people think about something). (Saddam pretty much busted himself on that one.)

Rule 5: Prisoners of war must give their true name and rank or they will lose their prisoner of war protection.

Rule 6: Nations must follow procedures to identify the dead and wounded and to send information to their families.

Rule 7: Killing anyone who has surrendered is prohibited.

Rule 8: Zones must be set up in fighting areas to which the sick and injured can be taken for treatment.

Rule 9: Special protection from attack is granted to civilian hospitals marked with the Red Cross symbol.

Rule 10: The free passage of medical supplies is allowed.

Rule 11: Shipwrecked members of the armed forces at sea should be taken ashore to safety.

Rule 12: Any army that takes control of another country must provide food to the people in that country.

Rule 13: Attacks on civilians and undefended towns are prohibited.

Rule 14: Enemy submarines cannot sink merchant or business ships before passengers and crews have been saved.

Rule 15: A prisoner can be visited by a representative from his or her country. Prisoners have the right to talk privately without observers.

I guess we can all agree that Saddam has broken more than one of these rules.

A big shout out to Buffy

My son told me today that his BigBrother�s girlfriend, Tammy, reads this blog. I am quite upset, if that is true, that she has never commented. Either my son is a �big fat liar� or even people I know don�t even bother to comment.

Ok, I get the odd comment, but nothing like dooce does. She has to turn off the comments on each post after 2 days or she would get nothing done.

My son�s BigBrother, Chris, is heading off with Tammy to the Bahamas (or is it Bermuda? Something with a B) to get married.

My son described Tammy, upon first meeting her, as looking like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I hope she just �looks� like Buffy and doesn�t kick butt like her. With my luck Chris would say the wrong thing to her and I would be forced to wade thought the BigBrother pool once again looking for a replacement. Problem with that is, I wouldn�t find one. Chris is the best thing to happen to my son. I couldn�t have asked for a better match. He is going to make someone a very good dad.

So, Buffy, if you have to kick butt, aim high and spare the family jewels.

Don't like the weather? Just wait.

This morning it was so nice that I had my tea on the door step and listened to the birds sing. It was very nice, spring had sprung.

By noon, however, it was quite a different story. This was the view from the step.



Here in Canada, spring is aparently 3 hours long.

Wake up call for human sheilds.

I was just over at a small victory catching up on my reading. When I came accross this post entitled

Another human shield gets hit in the head with a reality brick:

This is a must read for anyone who is on the fence about the war.

Hmmm.

Ok, so its grey. I can work with this. I think.

If anyone out there sees a better eye graphic....let me know will ya. For some reason photoshop is fighting with me over the text overlay. It makes it fuzzy.

Can you smell the smoke comming out of my ears?

Mostly thinking out loud.

Well I got in contact with the person who designed this template. She of course wants to get paid for altering her original design. Well she made it sound so easy, I decided to investigate.

{Open Source Code}

Ah....what's this? femstyle.css? Looks like that is what is running this whole show.

{Search - css)

Says here I can make myself a template and change the style of the page at will by changing the style sheet. Hmmm. This is very cool. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? We'll talk later.

I am 2 hours into it and I have decided that I can learn how to do this and I will do this, myself. What I really need to know is if I can totally do my own blog template without using bloggers. Anyone? I think I can.

The only thing is, I really like the eye and lip graphic on the left. If I can only find something similar that I can tweak I will be all set. Again, anyone who see's one in their travels, let me know.

So basically I need to create an html document that is a table with two columns? First column is two rows in first row is graphic, second is links. the second column is my blogger content, with a background. Does that sound right? Hmmmm. I should open this is in front page to see how this is put together. Ok, wrong, three columns the third is empty except for the background (purple hazzy thing)

I think I can do this. Just have to remember to save old template. Just in case I totally fuck this whole thing up.

Wish me luck, or better yet, get off your ass and help me.

A change of scenery.

I am thinking it is time for a change in scenery. Namely, this blog. I have been browsing the various template sites but I am of the school of "less is more". Clearly most of these templates are not. I would like to keep it simple. Maybe even keep it the same but be able to change the color. I think I will contact the wonderful creator of this template and ask her if this is possible. I was never really crazy about purple.

Tension building.

Just got a call from the company I tested for. They have called me in for the final, face to face, interview. With any luck I will have a job by April.

Begin rant ... now.

My mother is about to drive me out of my mind. She is out of cereal and apparently that is cause for national concern. She has called 6 times already, �I thought you were coming up?�

�Ma, I will get there, keep your shirt on.�

�No rush, dear� (ya right!)

I realize she doesn�t get out much but Jesus H. Christ, give me a break and let go of the cereal obsession. If you don�t get it today you will not explode.

I love my mother, but I really don�t feel like going there every fucking day of my life. Why am I the only one she calls? She had six children, I�m sure of it, I have seen pictures.

Ok, call number 7 of the day. Before she gets a chance to harp about the f-ing cereal��Ma, I just got in the door. I had to take The Boy to the outdoor (emergency room to you Yanks out there), can you wait till tomorrow for the cereal?�

�Yes, dear, that�s fine. But I was actually calling to ask you to bring milk since I won�t have money to put out for the milk man in the morning�

This is another thing that baffles me. She makes me go up there every day but I am not allowed to bring milk, since the milkman brings it.

�Ma, you don�t need home delivery, I can pick up milk for you. This is not the North Pole, we have stores on every corner here.�

She somehow thinks that since she is living in a retirement community that she is paying for this service so she must take advantage of it.

�Ma, they deliver fish on my street, but you don�t see me out on the doorstep haggling for mackerel.�

I try to tell her that the milkman delivers all over town, not just to old people, and that the home delivered milk actually costs more. And to make matters worse, she has to get up at 5:30am to catch the milk man. She has a sign that she puts in the window but she won�t put the money outside in case it gets stolen.

�Mother of God!. I don�t think burglars will come way the hell out here on the off chance you have left $4 in a jar outside your door.� I am, of course, wasting my breath.

And the f-ing milkman never has the kind of milk she wants anyway. You can not reason with old people.

Ah...just .....eeewww.

San Francisco protesters stage a 'vomit in'

I thought evolution was supposed to weed out all the fucked up of this world. Aparently not.

A CNN Correspondent's personal blog from the front lines of war. Worth watching.

Kevin Sites Blog

First hand news from a blogger in Bagdad.


Where is Raed ?

Here are my two cents about the war with Iraq.

Celebrities should stay the hell out of it. They hold too much power over the weak-minded of this world.

Just because the guy played Moses a bazillion (that is actually a word) years ago, doesn�t mean that God thinks you all should be armed to the teeth. Or for that matter, just because he plays the president on tv, doesn't mean you should all take his advice on politics. There are some people, however, who can't make the distinction between actor and role. For this reason, celebrities should stick to make-believe and stay the hell out of politics.

Ok, so this next bit is not my 2 cents, but I couldn't have said it better myself.

You will notice, (if you aren't living under a rock) that the anti-war people don't seem to have an alternative plan. It's like they haven't really thought past the protest songs and peace marches. NO BLOOD FOR OIL? How about, NO OIL FOR PACIFISTS. I don�t think it is about oil, Iraq has had 12 years to comply with the United Nations, obviously diplomacy is NOT working. What is the point of having UN resolutions if there is no consequences to defying them? What is your solution if not war?

I think everyone is open for suggestions.


PS: In case of terrorist attacks, the US government has some duck and cover suggestions.

Bush fires the first shot.


CNN.com - White House: Military campaign has begun - Mar. 19, 2003

So far so good.

Had the test portion of the interview process today. I think I did pretty well. They wanted a typing speed of 30wpm and I got 55 so that's a relief.

Next there was a test "find these things on the internet, show how you got to them". 20 minutes to answer 10 questions and I knew 5 of the URL's off the top of my head, no search required.(so I finished in 5 min)

Finally, 45 min of simulated customer service calls (which I finished in 28 min, not sure if that is good or bad) All in all I think I did very well. Now I just have to wait.

Interview Anxiety

I hope like hell I don�t screw it up. The last interview I had was in �98 and before that it was�85, so I am not all that experienced at it.

The job in �85 was with a Japanese company and came complete with interpreter. Needless to say I didn�t get it. The one in '98 was a bit of a shoe in, that's 1 and 0, so my odds aren�t great either.

Fingers (and toes) crossed.

Woo Hoo!

Just had a phone interview with the company I want to work for. It went well. I go in for an onsite interview tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

And so the pissing contest begins.


CNN.com - Bush: Saddam has 48 hours to leave Iraq - Mar. 18, 2003

UPDATE TIME!

I haven�t posted in a while so here is the wrap up.

The bride�s f-ing dog is gone. It refused to shit anywhere but in the house. Here I was like a nut at 3am outside in the snow walking this fuckin� shit machine for an hour and it would do absolutely nothing. The second I get it back inside it shit on the floor. The second night I just let it out of the cage in the middle of the night and said �fill your boots dog, we�ll just eliminate the middle man�. After 2 days, all it did was make me want a cat. He was cute alright, but it got old really fast.

Still no job. I am really getting shack wacky. I have to say that you find out who your real friends are when you are hit with hard times. If it wasn�t for Kimmy, I don�t know what I would do. She is a pushy broad, and I love her. She calls me to take her for groceries (she doesn�t have a license) and says to me, �Do you need anything? Fuck that, (not waiting for an answer) your getting groceries too.�

I had to take my mother for a colonoscopy (don�t ask) today. Long story short, they couldn�t do it and she has to go back in a couple of weeks to try again. I wanted my sister to be there this time. You see after my mother has one of these procedures and is in recovery, she looks like she has been hit by a truck. I figured that my sister needed to see this. Slap her into reality. �Hello, your mother is 75, she has Parkinson's disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease, etc, etc. GO VISIT HER!� My sister keeps saying that when my mother goes, she gets the china and her wedding ring. Well, I informed her that if she didn�t show up for the procedure she could pound sand. After my mother is gone, I will be the one deciding who gets what and depending on my mood she just might get the china. She showed up, but she was late and since the procedure was cancelled, she missed us. It�s the thought that counts I guess.

I am really into the whole �reality tv� thing. I am truly a junkie. My current favourite is of course Survivor. But I absolutely can�t miss an episode of The Family. This show pits family members, in this case an Italian family from New York, against each other for a million dollar trust. They are set up in a mansion where, every week, two of the members are put up for elimination by the �secret board of trustees�. What these people don�t know is that this board is made up of the servants. You know, the people you don�t pay any attention to. Makes for hilarious tv.

If its reality based, I watch it. Except for Bachelor and Bachelorette, I just think that�s sad. Oh, and Married by America, that�s just stupid. I think the success of some reality based programs are opening the door to a lot of crap.

What are your favourites? And don�t lie, I know you watch them.

The cat may need therapy.

I am babysitting "the bride's" dog for a couple of days.




It took me an hour to get my cat to come in the house and she wouldn't leave the doorway. After a while I went out to check on her and couldn't find her. I looked everywhere (which was simple since there was only one room she could be in) but couldn't find her. I was having a twilight zone moment when I decided to have a cup of tea.




Do you think she might need therapy after this?

Spill your guts.

Radmila posted these questions on her site and demanded answers. Since no one messes with Radmila, here are mine.

1. What was the last song you heard?
Vivo Per Lei - Andrea Bocelli (he�s an Italian tenor, I am a sucker for an Italian accent)

2. What are the last two movies you saw.
I hate the theatre, I never go. (you can�t smoke in �em) However, I don�t wait for the video, you do the math. The last two movies I saw were Lord of the Rings Two Towers and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Gas (I agree�.holy shit!), Cigarettes and a Tim Horton's medium double double.

4. What 4 things do you need to do this weekend?
Find a job, find a job, find a job. Oh and did I mention find a job?

5. Who are the last 5 people you talked to?
My career councillor, Ann. My friend Kim, My sister Adele, her husband Donny and my son.

If anyone else wants to spill their guts, you know what to do.

Happy Anniversary to me.

Today is the first anniversary of my blog.

Everybody sing.




I really didn't think I would make it this far and at first I was worried that no one would read it. Now I look back over the year and realize that even if no one reads it, it's out there. I made the effort even if sometimes it seems as if I phoned it in.

Blogging is an experiment. It is interesting (to me) to look back and see what it was that I felt was interesting enough in my life to blog about. It will be equally interesting, I think, to see what is to come.

Now take a trip down memory lane, with my first post ever.

That's my boy!

The boy had his final hockey game tonight and (you guessed it) he got a goal. They won the game 2-1. He finished the season as top goal scorer for his team and 5th in the league. I am so proud I could bust. Incidently, his father didn't see one game this year. (asshole!)

You have to see mothers at a hockey game to appreciate it. Normally sane, well adjusted women become bloodthirsty and obnoxious. The boy was struck in the arm with a slap shot and was taken off his feet. At that point his 75 year old Catholic granny stood up and screamed,

"Blow the damn whistle Ref!" (yes, she prays to God with that mouth)

The boy was then checked hard against the boards and fell like a rag doll, it was his sainted mother's turn to stand up and scream,

"Shake it off, boy, get after that puck!" (hey, at least I didn't curse)

I don't know what I will do now that hockey season is over. It was my only social life. I don't do bars and my friends are married and boring. Well, at least there is baseball to look forward to, but after a season of checking I am not sure baseball will do it for me. Maybe I can talk the boy into football, or rugby.

Tell her you'll give her the moon.....and mean it.

This nutbar is selling property on the moon. He actually owns it, just by saying so. Read all about the Lunar Embassy

While you are there, check out the CNN coverage.

What will they think of next?

?

Are they really your friend if, when you are at your lowest, they never say,

"Is there anything you need?"?

He has it all figured out. Or does he?

Our pub owner, Aaron, seems to think that he has it all figured out. That it must be an inside job, and he has decided that it is my fiend Kimmy who has Greg. So, we need to mix it up a bit with this photo.



Here we see Greg in an establishment that my friend Kimmy, would absolutely never go, The Thistle. This should keep him guessing. There is a lot of bad blood between these two bars. Aaron used to work there and Kimmy used to be the chef. Until he bought a new pub, Fibbers, and brought Kimmy over with him. The owner of the Thistle was very upset with that and accused our pub owner of �stealing� his chef. He made it a point to make trouble for Fibber�s even before it opened.

So, I think this will throw Aaron off the track. At least for a little while.

BTW: The poster on the wall was not a set up, it was just a happy coincidence.

Have ovaries, will travel.

After yet another frustrating meeting with Miss Deadfish, I am thinking that maybe she is under the false impression that this program is being funded out of her own pocket. She is doing her best to discourage me enough so that I just give up and go away. I am missing one form from the government.

She is like a dog with a bone, she wants the blue form,

�But the yellow form says exactly the same thing.� I point out to her the information on the yellow form that she needs from the illusive blue form.

�I must have the blue form.�

�How about if I put the yellow form in my jeans pocket and run it through the washing machine. Wait, no, that wouldn�t work, that would just make it green. Would you take the green? You know, split the difference?�

Miss Deadfish is not amused. She seems pissed that her job, (working with the public) forces her to work with the actual public.

So, now I feel like a real loser. Not only do I not have a job but apparently I am a complete incompetent for not being able to secure the Holy Grail of government forms, the blue form. My phone rings and it is my friends mother. We chat as I warm up the car and after a minute she says, �You need to go to the Women�s Center�.

�Never heard of it, aren't� places like that just for battered women?� No, she says, she went there when she was trying to get her pension. She gives me directions. Can�t hurt, not like I have anywhere else to go.

So, I find this little house down by the waterfront and brace myself for a long wait and yet another round of talks with government bureaucrats. The sign on the door reads:

- - Welcome to the Women�s Center. Give the door a kick, sometimes it sticks. - -

I like the sounds of this place already. I walk in and am immediately greeted by, not one, but two women in jeans and t-shirts who smile and say in unison, �Hi, can I help you?�

�You already have, you smiled at me. But I need someone who can cut through some red tape for me.�

I am promptly escorted to see Bernadette. Bernadette is a very charming woman in her late 40�s early 50�s who immediately makes me feel at home, her office is on the top floor of the house. She directs me to a very comfortable couch at the back of the office, offers me coffee and I spill my guts like we were old friends.

It is her job, Bernadette informs me, to bitch slap the bureaucrats and pry the money out of their cold dead hands. The money, she tells me, I am entitled to and should not have to beg for. In fact she is heading out the next morning to brow beat the government so they don�t cut any more services for women. I believe that there will be more than a few politicians, come Monday morning, with Bernadette�s hand print branded on their cheeks.

She tells me that she will take care of everything, she has connections. The first thing she does is call the immediate supervisor of Miss Deadfish and solves the �blue form� controversy. She chats up the supervisor and is assured that my application will be rushed through. Then she makes me an appointment with a career councillor and calls the local college to see about seats for the upcoming course that I am interested in.

Bernadette gets this done in an hour, and that is including the time it took me to spill my guts. By the time I get home (15 minutes later) there are two messages on my machine, one from the career councillor confirming my appointment and one from Bernadette. She has heard from the college and as soon as my application is confirmed I can talk to someone about getting that seat.

Ladies, if you have a Women�s Center in your area, don�t assume it is just for battered women. Its for every woman. They know all the programs, and deal with bureaucrats everyday and know who to call and what to ask for. The only prerequisite is that you have ovaries.

Finally one good thing about my monthly visit from Aunt Flo, she introduced me to Bernadette.

Government at work.

Ok, well maybe not �work� but they are definitely filling seats, wearing down pencils, drinking a lot of that free government coffee. They just aren't doing anything for me. But I am sure they will start�.very soon�.I�m sure of it.

I have been off work now for a month. I thought maybe I would go back to school. You know, re-train for a better career? After inquiring with the proper authorities, I have discovered there are two programs available.

The first one is through Unemployment Insurance, which is no good to me since I was self employed, I wasn�t paying into it so I can�t get anything out of it. Ok, so that�s out.

The second is a program through community services. Here�s where it gets crazy. The program is designed to get people off social assistance (welfare). I inquire about this program and learn that I have to be on SA for 5 months in order to get assistance to go back to school. I think maybe someone on the other end of the phone must be slightly uninformed.

Wouldn�t it be more cost efficient to keep people from going on SA in the first place? But of course that is not how the government operates, they don�t want to be accused of actually being efficient.

So I meet with the case worker who requests reams of paperwork, SIN number, income tax returns, birth certificates, child custody orders, a pint of blood and a urine sample. I tell her that I am interested in this �other� program.

�I don�t know anything about that�, and Miss Dead Fish carries on taking down my vital statistics.

�Um, but being eligible for your program is a pre-requisite to applying for that program, shouldn�t you know about it?�

�Sorry, you will have to talk to someone from that department". (in the same building I might add)

The problem is, I can�t talk to this other person till I determine that I am eligible for this dead fish�s program. She was sooooo helpful. Am I crazy in thinking that these two departments, at least, should talk. I mean they are in the same building, they probably have the same lunch room. If one program clearly encompasses two departments, shouldn�t both departments be at least aware of the program?

There I go again, thinking logically. I clearly would not make it as a civil servant.

He cleans up nicely, doesn't he?

Celebrities Behaving Badly.

The best places to see celebrities behaving badly.

First off we have Celebrity Mole Hawaii. Nothing like a little back stabbing to bring celebs together.

Next there is I�m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Again with the back stabbing, but add a little rain, some venomous spiders, snakes and the obligatory fight over the last square of toilette paper. 15 days trapped in the Australian rain forest with a bunch of celebrities. Nobody famous enough to make the papers if they accidentally get eaten by a crocodile.

Last but not least, my personal favourite, The Surreal Life.

Who knew that amongst an ex-90210 cutie, a playboy bunny and the bitch from survivor that Cory Feldman would be the biggest drama queen. It thought that Vince Neil would go blind with all the eye rolling he did (mostly at Corey). Corey cried more than all the women put together. No man is THAT sensitive. If I didn't know better I would say he was really a girl. (hey wait a minute, I don't know any better, he is a girl)

So how did it end? With a big production number orchestrated by (who else) Corey. He decided to marry his girlfriend on the show, with all his friends and family as well as all the celebrities he could get his houseguests to rustle up. Including Hugh Hefner (courtesy of housemate Brandi).

If you missed this one, you missed a chance to see a bunch of has-been (and a couple never-been) celebs brush their teeth, eat, sleep and basically get on each others nerves for 10 days in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Now THAT�S roughing it.

It's a boy!

This little ball of fur is the new addition to my friends family. His name is Tyson.





I think he looks like Scrat, what do you think?

What were you thinking?

Fluffy might be cute, and you might love Fluffy, but Fluffy is not getting a
kidney transplant.

Random thoughts from the tape recorder.

The lane outside the church is for loading and unloading of old ladies only. If you are dropping off your wife and kids let them get their fat asses to the church from the fucking parking lot.

Taxes made easy.

I just did my mothers taxes in just under 5 minutes, that includes printing a copy and filing online.

God bless the internet.

It's really NOT take-out!

What kind of a fucked up parallel universes must you have come from to believe that this is in any way, shape or form remotely like take out pizza.



If there are people out there who really believe this is how pizza is supposed to taste, then you have no idea what pizza is really supposed to taste like. Pizza is NOT supposed to taste like ketchup on cardboard.

If you don�t believe me, come to my house. We�ll have some beers and call the pizza guy (a close personal friend of mine) and get you educated , eh?

Give me a break.

If the personal ads are to be believed, the ideal place to meet a man is the beach at night. Because aparently every last one of them enjoys long walks on the beach in the moonlight. So you should be able to go down there and just swing a cat and catch a couple dozen and drag them home.

Where in the world is Greg the Monkey?

Hit Bitch

Just an experiment.

Just for today I am going to be a 'hit bitch' and insert all those words that got me hits in the last month and see just how many hits I can get for my page in 24 hours.

Counter is at 6113.

Here we go.

Joe Millionaire
Hack Starchoice
How many times have we thought "If I just close my eyes the bitch will go away.
American Idol
Mary Kay
Popping Zits
Rick Mercer
Female blogger
Hard young girl

Ok, so this is just for my own amusement, since it is snowing here and has been for the past 3 days and I am getting a little shack wacky. So sue me.

Oh and in case anyone is interested, Greg is chillin in the hot tub with the chicks.

Cracking under pressure.

Apparently Greg (sort of like the guy in Swordfish) is being used in some international plot to take over the world (or possibly just get some real cool pirated software).

At any rate we see that Greg has been forced to write some very sophisticated code as he is being watched over by his kidnappers evil henchmen.

Greg is traveling.

It seems that Greg is traveling south, FBI has been notified.

Proof of Life

UPDATE

Ok, it seems that there has been another abduction. Apparently there was a stuffed chicken that had been snatched from the bar over the weekend. They thought the disapearances were linked until they got photo confirmation on Greg.





I will be holding Greg until March. At that time, he will be handed off to accomplice #2 for a journey to England, where we hope to have him "spotted" at various locations. I think maybe we will have it revealed at the end that one of two things happened.

A: he killed the chicken and skipped the country or

B: he got the chicken pregnant and they ran off together over seas where she fell for a crow at the Tower of London and dumped poor Greg.

What do you think? Let me know, and if you have a better senario, let me know that too.

The abduction of Greg the Monkey: Day 1







Today I abducted Greg the Monkey from a local bar of which he is the official mascot and am holding him for ransom. What ransom? I am not sure yet but I�ll figure that out.

This is your mission, should you choose to except.

I need pictures of Greg in various locations. All you Photoshop junkies out there (you know who you are) I need convincing photos of Greg around the world if possible. I will post links to a number of photos of Greg in various positions, just pick the one you like. Or if you need him in a particular position, let me know and I will provide it. I hope to have Greg for at least a month and plan to send the owner of the bar daily updates as to the condition and possible whereabouts of Greg.

This is the first note sent to the bar owner.





This should be a hoot, since he will have absolutely no idea who took him. My friend is the chef at this restaurant/bar and I have only been in a couple of times. Today we decided to abduct the monkey since the owner, Aaron has become (we think) a bit too attached to the thing.

Anyway it is all in fun and I assure you that Greg is living it up. Watching pay per view porn on satellite tv, stuffing his face with bananas, the photos are completely staged and Greg has been in no way harmed.

Good luck on your mission, you can email your submissions to evel@whoever.com

Thank you for your participation, this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

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The Boy is 12 today. Happy Birthday Buddy.

You are in Kansas, don�t look so surprised.

Just read a post by Mike Brown (aka cooties), about 7 high school students who were killed in an avalanche, a very sad thing to happen to any family.

My question is this: Why do people ski on mountains that "have" avalanches?

There must be plenty of places that have never had one, and chances are they never will. Or is there some sort of avalanche free mountain shortage. (not sure that last sentence made sense, but you get what I mean)

I suppose it is the same with tornadoes, never understood why anyone would live in a place where tornadoes were commonplace. I mean, every inch of the earth can�t be spoken for already right?

And its always the same people on the news saying, �It tain�t as bad as �96, we lost everthin� in �96 but it was a baddun� What kind of fucking whacked out drug are you taking? (can I get that in Canada?)

Every fucking year you get your house blown away in a tornado, it�s a no brainer. Move for fuck sake. What are you waiting for? That�s why they call it a 'mobile home', back your truck up to it and get the hell out of Dodge.

Don�t get me wrong, I feel bad for the families of the avalanche victims. But I can tell you, if I knew a mountain had had an avalanche, I would avoid it. DUH!

You think it can�t happen to you. However, if the house you are buying is the fifteenth structure that has sat on that foundation, shouldn�t that be a heads up to you? You are pretty much stacking the deck against yourself. Perhaps those ruby slippers are pinching a nerve.

Week 1�Unemployed

We are now at week one of unemployment and we are not impressed. (notice how after only a week I start to talk like royalty) I am starting to get shack wacky.

I have been emailing my resume and dropping it off in town. The local call center is �begging� for employees but so far they haven�t called. I know it has only been a week but I am getting antsy. I thought I would take this time to get some things done around the house but it hasn�t turned out that way. I would much rather surf the net than do housework. I mean, given a choice, what would you do? (if you said �housework�, you are a freak.)

I haven�t told my mother that I was let go yet. She is in her 70�s and everything upsets her so I told her I was on vacation. ;-) But I did tell her I was taking this time to look for another job, which she is all for because she knows what an asshole I was working for.

I don�t know if I mentioned this but three days before I was fired, I applied for a mortgage to buy the house that I am in now. One good thing about self employment, the bank doesn�t know when you are not working, so it is still going. It is looking good except for the old mortgage I had with the ex that might fuck me up. Since he is an asshole and let it laps a time or two.

Speaking of the asshole, he was just here picking up The Boy. I can�t believe that after 12 years, he still can�t have a civil conversation with me. I told him about the mortgage (you know, just making conversation) and he said something to the effect that it didn�t concern him and he could care less. I asked him when he expected he would be a grown up, and I could have a real conversation with him. He just looked at me and said, �you grow up�.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten and said, �I swear to god if you say �I know you are but what am I� I am going to scream.

I was hoping some day he would get over it, but it isn�t looking good. Thank God for his girlfriend, she is a sane person and I get along with her a lot better than I ever did him.

Bright side: Any time I think that maybe I might like to have a boyfriend full time, I just talk to him and it cures me of that insane idea.