Sunday, April 20, 2003

This was just too halarious not to post.

I recieved this in an email today.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner
in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we
said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the
rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what
are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"
my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty
here, too don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making
much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his
mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think,
Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very
interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to
step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not inlabor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at
my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent,
absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded,
knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now
running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you
pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks... Pictures of
your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

I almost choked to death, I laughed so hard.

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