And another thing...

Picture it. Sicily 1928...

Ok, it wasn't Sicily, it was Truro, and it was yesterday.

The big Stagette is tonight, so I had to pick up some special gifts for the bride. One of my fiends friends has been there before so Kim & I plan to meet her there. Of course, we get lost. Ok, 20 minutes behind schedule, we finally find the place. He has it advertised as a Fireworks store. It is in his garage, and we have to ring for entry.

We are greeted (almost boyishly) at the door by a 50ish man with a fake tan and a bad toupee. It was all I could do not offer it a saucer of milk.

�Jokes or fireworks, girls?�

�Jokes� we say in unison .

�Give me one sec (he is ringing up a customer) and I will show you what I have.�

We look at each other quizzically. We are standing there in an 8 x 5 room and can see everything he has on shelves to the right and behind us just by turning our heads.

We start to browse and laugh at some of the ridiculous contraptions displayed for all the see.

The first thing I pick up is a dildo. We want one completely obnoxious. This one had, what appeared to be, a purple soft plastic head with beads encircling the staff of it. I hit the �on� switch and it springs to life. HMMMM. It is alive in my hands, the head is twisting and the beads are circling as if on tracks, and its vibrating. I think we have a winner.

At this point the �man� has begun to gleefully demonstrate everything he has, pointing out the best sellers, and explaining what everything does. He reminds me of one of the Popeil Pocket fisherman guy on all those infomercials. Everything is in fast forward. He is trying to show us absolutely everything in about a minute and a half.

I miss half of it because my attention is split between purple pecker and the bad toupee. All I can hear in my head is �purple pecker eater�, over and over. By the way the vibrator is still going in my hands. I turn it off and put it on the counter, ready for purchase, and start picking out other various things. Motion lotion, flavored condoms, a little dick that when you wind it up it jumps around. The place starts to fill up with other people, and the man is showing a four foot rubber penis to my friend and we are all in stitches now.

�What in God�s name would you do with that?� It was four foot long and about as big around as your wrist.

�I know of one customer who uses that particular model.�

In my head��Ya, Mr. Ed�s sister.�

At this point my fiends friend spots the vibrator. The man is putting new batteries in it and making sure it works. �Your not buying that? I had an earlier model of that and it broke. When I sent it back to the manufacturer they sent me that one. I threw it out, it wasn�t long enough.�

Did she say that? Kim and I roar with laughter. �Well, that�s why you are here, so we can benefit from your expertise.� She directs us to another model.

It�s more realistic looking, The Ultimate Beaver, and has an appendage. (mimics a finger) The man demonstrates the 4 different settings. �We�ll take it.�

Some poor slob has just walked in with his wife, he takes one look at this scene and turns red. He does NOT want to be there. So naturally we draw him in and tease him a little.

Now the man is ringing in my purchases and says �Can I interest you in a man?�

I roll my eyes...please god tell me this man is NOT hitting on me. �Excuse me?�

From the top shelf he grabs an inflatable doll. �This one looks like Elvis.�

�I don�t think so.�

The Bride made me promise not to do anything too obnoxious. And I think making her run around all night carrying a naked Elvis, constitutes �over the top�.