Are you kidding me?

I have two days left before I terminate my employment with the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ and my manager picks tonight to put me on employment review for my attendance. I kid you not.

He is reading the form letter to me. "This letter is just to inform you that we are concerned about your attendance..."

I give him my best whinny voice, "But I promise I will do better." And just as fast, switch it off, "Oh wait....no I won't."

Gives ya a warm and fuzzy feeling, don't it?

I think I might call in sick on Friday.

ROAR!

Add 'Appliance Repair' to the resume.

This fuckin' thing decided that it would stop draining in the middle of laundry the other day. After two days of sitting in the corner, half full of water, you can imagine how pretty it smelled. The Boy was already tormenting me on my backup plan to have his clothes laundered.

I cannot ignore the smell any longer so I start to bail it out. As you well know, manual labour and I have a strained relationship (no pun intended) so after a minute or so I just say, "Fuck this, I am going to fix this mo'fo!"

Sounds impressive until you realize I have no idea how to fix it. But when has that ever stopped me? I gather what tools I think I might need for the job. All I could come up with is a screw driver and a flashlight. I had no idea what I was doing.

So I crack the thing open and turn it on. You know, so I can see what is not working. Brilliant, except I don't even know what I am looking at. I am on all fours, feeling very plumber'ish, I think I might have even had some butt-crack action going on. At this point I decide to turn the dial to 'drain'. An action that immediately activates this little doohickey.


Excuse the picture...it was dark in there.

I shine the flashlight at it, not really knowing what I am looking for but I see there is something in there, something dark. Again, not knowing what is supposed to be in there, I foolishly decided to check it out. So I unplug the machine and crack that puppy open.

Guess what? That doohickey is what contains the rubber plug that allows the water to drain. Ya, a flood of three day old water. As I am trying to quickly decide whether to jam the thing back on or just let it drain and hope that I can control the flood with the contents of the nearby laundry basket, this comes flying out at me.

Nice, eh? Like something out of a horror movie. This picture truly does not do this thing justice. It was slimy and smelly and I swear to God it moved!

Decision made. I get as far away from the creature and work on stemming the flow of water into the rest of the apartment. The water finally stops without too much damage. I sneak up on the creature, scoop him up and fire him in the toilette.

Convinced he was the reason for the drainage problem, I reassemble the washer.

The moment of truth. I fire it up, and IT DRAINS!

I have Mad Skills!

The end is nigh.

Well I am creeping up on my last day at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™. While I will miss working for Bill, I will not miss the bullshit that is cubic hell.

Seems like this week people are just trying to make me go postal? And not even people that usually irritate me. People who I usually get along with famously are taking this opportunity to get on the absolute worst side of me.

When call volume is low, they take us off the phones so we don't fuck up the service level. You see the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ does not get paid for 100% service level, its more like 75, but if we go over we don't get paid more. On the occasions when we are above 75% and there are no calls coming in, they have to take us off the phones to force the service level down. They can't send us home for fear that call volume will spike and there is no one there to take calls so the came up with this program that barfs out useless, politically correct customer handling training. Stuff like proper breathing and stretching, positive attitude...blah, blah.

In our department we deal with a lot of students and summer is our down time so you can imagine we have been in more than out of these knowledge sessions. We are long past having any left to actually do, so when they tell us to go into this mode they pretty much know that we have no courses left to do and that we will just be sitting there doing nothing.

Don't get me wrong, we love that shit. Sit around and get paid for doing nothing, but after a while it gets boring.

Back to the 'going postal' thing. Most of us are going into this knowledge session when one of the managers comes up to me and says, in his best Nelson Muntz voice, "You are banned from knowledge sessions." I was half expecting him to point and say, "Nah Ha!" It was a totally juvenile moment.

"Why would you give a shit if I take a call or not? Does it effect you in any way?" He thought he was being funny, but he was just stomping all over my last nerve.

Now these last few days, they are not letting anyone go home early and no long lunches. What this means is we all sit on the phones and do nothing. They couldn't even put us in the knowledge thing because the server was not responding. So we sit. And sit.....with nothing to do.

I doubt I will last through my last shift.

Separation of church and state.

I think I might start another blog just for the work-at-home gig. You know, something I might actually be able to show my employer.

This blog pretty much chronicled my whole stint at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ although I had to take great pains to make sure upper management did not get wind of it.

I often though it would have been a better idea to separate the work shit from the personal stuff. But by the time I thought of it, it was way too much work to separate it.

So, I am thinking I will start the new blog with my first day of training. Put out some info on how it really is to work from home. Keep it clean, for the employer and then tell you how I really feel here.

This also might be a good opportunity to try one of the other free blog hosting outfits.

So, my questions for you:

What should I name this new blog?

Any suggestions on the blog host? Who do you use and how do you like it?

Knock it off, or I will knock it down!

The odd, well timed, inspirational, bring awareness to a problem video is all well and good.

Just keep it off my FunWall please.

I open my Facebook and prepare to smile. What embarrassing pictures did Potsie post from his weekend at the Moose & Squirrel? Who's having a birthday, gotta post some silly animated birthday card. How many old farts from high school can I track down today. HA, someone sent me a friendship turd. This is a happy place, right?

Holy Shit! 16 dead kid videos on my FunWall? WTF? When I see those videos I get enraged, I want to hunt down the asshole who hurt those children and have them sand blasted or skinned alive. Right after I find the asshole who posted this on my FunWall and punch them in the throat!

It's called a FunWall people. Not a 'depress the shit out of everyone you know wall', the name was a little wordy so they went with FUN! Ya, you cringed at the 'dead kid' reference. "Not very sensitive or PC of you Evel." But that is exactly what I mean. I sound insensitive because they have desensitized me.

It seems there are some people who do nothing but sit and watch 'dead kid' videos and post them on everyone else's wall. How fucking depressing is that?

I am not saying don't try and bring awareness to child abuse or drunk driving but there is a time and a place for everything. I am trying to cram a little fuckin' joy into my otherwise shitty life, "You're bringing me down, Man!"

Keep that shit off my FunWall......
or I swear to God I will tear that mo'fo' down!

Drugs! Get your piping hot, free drugs here!

The reason I had gone to the doctor in the first place was to stock up on my blood pressure/cholesterol meds. With only one week left at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™, I had to act pretty quickly. Not an easy task to get to see a doctor within a week, but I did it.

Since it would be 3 months before my benefits would kick in at the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™, I would have to pay full price for my meds while in training. Not acceptable since the meds are $27 per month with coverage and $116 per month without. That's a fucking car payment!

So I tell her my story, hoping she will write me a prescription for 90 pills instead of 30 when she comes out with, "So, you are looking for some samples?"

"Uh, okay."

She leaves and comes back with this:



Holy shit! Ten weeks of meds. That's $290 worth if you're counting.

"Will that do?"

Fuck ya....got any Vicodin back there? Being as how you're offering.

Note to self...

Never go see your doctor to have your blood pressure checked after running around doing errands in lunchtime traffic, drinking coffee and eating an entire bag of jelly beans.

And don't try and talk your way out of it.....She has an automated machine, 159 over 96.

The woman is very droll, "It is higher if you talk."

"Ok, I will shut up now." It didn't help. I failed the test

Just for that I get blood tests, pelvic exam and a mammogram next time. (Looking forward to having my tit pop liked a zit when the hydraulics malfunction.)

The bitch is not playin'.

Just a matter of time.

Half a second after I hit SEND on the resignation letter, the Big Giant Head sends for me. "He wants to see you."

"Wow, that was fast. Has he read the email?"

"Don't think so , he has been standing over there the whole time." He indicates the rows of empty cubes.

As I approach him, my sister intercepts. She is carrying something. "Here's a pen for your new desk!"

"Hello? I haven't even told him yet."

The Big Giant Head raises and eyebrow, "Why am I always the last to know?"

"I don't know, read your email."

He tries to recover, "I actually knew this yesterday."

"Really? Cuz I only found out this morning."

"Maybe it was earlier today." He has his finger on the pulse.

Then he goes into his schpeil:

BGH: He spreads his arms wide, "How could you give all this up?"
ME: "You're kidding me, right?"

BGH: "But you are giving up all this tenure with ..."
ME: "Tenure isn't doing me any good." It really is the least beneficial in the grand scheme of things. Except that I know where all the bodies are buried.

BGH: "But its a smaller company..."
ME: "It's a Maritime company. It has been around since Jesus was a carpenter and it will be around long after I am gone."

BGH: "But you will be taking a pay cut."
ME: "Forty cents. And the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ awards raises by skillset. They train me for something new, I get a raise. If they did that here, I would be making more money than you."

BGH: "But..."
ME: "Look, I have been trained and worked in every department in this joint. The way it stands here now, there are people who are trained for one job (customer service) who are, and will always be, making more money than me. The only thing I have not done is the ISP support, and if I am going to do that, I might as well be doing it in my bunny slippers."

BGH: "I see, well if you decide you can't stay for the full two weeks, let me know and there will be no negative repercussions."
ME: "Aside from the fact The Boy would starve? Thanks anyway, I will be here."

I GOT IT!

This just in. I got the job! She called me at an ungodly hour but I managed to sound chipper.

Film at Eleven.

Who can wait for eleven?

Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!

Maybe I can win the lottery?
(Written, but not posted, on 8/25/07)

The most wondrous thing happened to me Thursday night. I will probably not post this until after I find out if I got the job at the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™, just in case the wrong people read this. (this may or may not make sense later)

So my cousin Potsie and I get early release from work and decide to get a bite to eat on the way home.

It is important to note that Potsie is gay. Not just gay, openly gay. In fact he will throw you in front of a bus just to chat up the cute driver as they bag and tag you. He really doesn't care what team you play for, he figures he can recruit you.

But I digress. We stop at a local pizza joint and I notice my old boss' van out front. "Oh great, just what I need." We didn't exactly part on good terms.

As we walk through the door of the crowded pizzeria, the boss is walking out. He nods at me, "Hello." Very civil. I nod back and mumble a hello. Then he notices Potsie, "Well hello, Potsie!"

Potsie and I stop dead in our tracks, and as the boss walks out the door we say, in unison, "How do you know Boss?" He grins.

"AH HA! I KNEW IT!" Even in the busy pizza joint people stopped and stared. I was bursting with joy, I could hardly contain myself. I could not wait to get out of that place so I could pump Potsie for more information.

Later as Potsie chatted up the boss in the gay chat room, the boss was pretty much shitting a brick. You see, as he was informing Potsie that he was 'very discrete', Potsie dropped the bomb that I was, in fact, his cousin.

Holy shit. I need to buy a lottery ticket. My luck has certainly changed. I can't wait to call him and ask him for a reference.

And another thing...
(Added Today)

Still no word about the job....no news is good news I guess.

Who says that? That is just bullshit. No news is not good news, it fuckin' sucks.

Luciano Pavarotti | 1935-2007

‘The world weeps for Luciano Pavarotti’



He was an odd egg, but the man had mad skills.



Every time you saw him in interviews you just knew this man lived life.


(Not bad for a Canadian kid, eh?)

He seemed like he was having a ball.



He lived large.

2007: A Backpack Odyssey?

I just figured out how to send messages from my cell phone to contacts on my messenger.

I know, we have had the technology for a while now, but I did not. Just call me HAL. This technology would have come in handy when I had to fly solo on a mission to pick out a backpack for The Boy.

"You know I have only the most enthusiasm and confidence in this mission, Dave."

The Boy sends me on this mission and sets me up for failure.

I have to first set the stage.

I am waiting for a call from Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ about the job so I forward my home phone to my cell so I don't miss the call. This means that I cannot call home. With me so far?

Ok, so The Boy's mission? Get him a backpack. If any of you have a teenager, you know it is not that simple. You can't get a lame one, or a gay one, etc, etc, etc. So I grill The Boy for particulars.

"I want a Swiss backpack." Pretty specific. "Black, blue, anything but red."
Since he is so specific, it does not really register what he has said. I have the brand name in my head and I am off to Staples.

As soon as I locate the 'Swiss' backpacks the gravity of the situation hits me.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question."

I am staring at this thing in disbelief. I can't believe he has done this to me.
My blood runs cold as I stare at the Swiss backpacks. Swiss, as in Swiss Army Knife.

STAPLES ONLY CARRIES THEM IN RED!

"There's been a failure in the pod bay doors. Lucky you weren't killed."

The woman is trying to break me!

The recruiter from the Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ called me today. I got excited because I heard that people were getting calls offering them the position.

"Is it good news?"

"Well, it's not good news yet."

The woman is killing me. Aparently they were unable to get in touch with one of my references (the old boss)and they need another.

Jesus H Christ! I gave her three more and I know that she talked to two of them before I left for work.

Now we wait............again.

Maybe not an Academy Award winner butt...

Just sittin' around with the boy watching movies. He likes blood and gore ones, Chainsaw Massacre, Grind House, that sort of thing. He also likes action movies so we downloaded Universal Soldier, circa 1992. A classic.

This is what I love about Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.


The gratuitous butt shot!

TB: "Not much of an actor is he?"

ME: "Uh, what? Sorry, did he talk in this one?"

This is definately a movie I can get 'behind'.

Summer vacation is over. Thank Fuck!

Sometimes the boy will ask a question I know the answer to, but don't. Does that make sense?

Mostly he will ask me questions that he knows I don't have the answer to and could never know.

"Why is the sun yellow?"

Ok, I could probably find out the answer to that, but I am busy catching up on live feed updates for Big Brother and I don't give a fuck why the sun is yellow. He does this, I realize, just to get on my last fucking nerve. I can not wait until school starts.

He sees that I am reading something, so he starts.

"What is Labour day?"

"It's a holiday for workers."

"But why do schools have it off?"

"Teachers work."

"But why..." I know he really doesn't give a flying fart about any of this, he is just trying to bug me. I should have called the little bastard Butt Why, he says it enough.

"Why are you wondering about this? You have Google, don't you?"

So, here it is. Everything you ever wanted to know about Labour Day.

Have a good one.

I am woman, hear me roar.

Men go crazy buying every screwdriver known to man and every drill bit. He has dozens of drawers and tool boxes and half the shit he doesn't even know he has. And the other half he doesn't remember what it does.

All a woman needs is a good rock and a butter knife. Possibly a bread knife if something has to be sawed, but when does that ever happen?

Today I am fixing the molding in front of my shower. It literally disintegrated. I did need some sealant, but the knife pried the old stuff out and the rock nailed the new stuff in.

Oh and I did need that bread knife for the miter joints.

ROAR!

The suspense is killing me.

As I was coming into work last night 'Toby' stopped me. "The Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ called me about you today."

"Really? That's great, what did you say?"

"Lied through my teeth."

"Cool, thanks."

Must be a good sign that they called one of my references, don't ya think? Now I just have to worry about the other one. Unfortunately since I only ever worked for one other company in the last 10 years, they wanted to talk to my old boss. Long story short, he fired me.

I can't say right now but despite how we ended things, I believe he will give me a good reference.

Now we wait.

Stick it to 'em!

I just had to stop yesterday and take a picture of the local Subway sign.



Don't worry, the sign facing McDonald's does not say this. You do not want to get the clown riled.

Bump? Possibly, but definately not grind.

You know you are old when you start identifying where you are based on what used to be there 10 years ago.

"I'm just passing where the Pink Panther used to be."

or

"Take a right at the old Canadian Tire building."

I don't know why, but I am feeling my age more now. Thirty wasn't such a big deal, neither was 40 really. But that might all just be because I wasn't really around a lot of people younger than me before I started at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™.

The last few weekends I have been invited out drinking. In my mind I think for a second, 'hey, it might be fun.' Then I really give it some thought, reality hits me and I realize that I am really not interested. The thought of watching a bunch of 20-somethings bump and grind, drinking themselves stupid makes my skin crawl. I would sooner gouge my eyes out with a melon baller.

I am, however, of the age where I could totally get behind a house party. maybe not an 'entire' house party, but what we call in the Maritimes a kitchen party. The difference? I guess a house party implies enough people to fill your house. Whereas a 'kitchen' party is much more intimate. Let me look that up in Wikipedia...Looks like there is nothing on the web, that is curious.

Ok, for those not from around here, a kitchen party is the traditional Atlantic Canadian social gathering. It usually involves someone playing a musical instrument. Definitely guitar and sometimes fiddles, harmonicas or spoons if you are lucky. These types of gatherings are always a blast. There is no bumping and definately no grinding. Unless you count Uncle Bob who has about as much rhythm as a bag of hammers.

I miss the days of the kitchen party. There were no plans, people just showed up (usually at the same kitchen every weekend) and you would sit around, drink and shoot the shit. There was food, so no one got too shit faced. You can still find them, I suppose, if you look hard enough but they are few and far between.

I think I will have to try and look a little harder since I am definately long past my bumping and grinding expiry date.

Job Update.

Had my interview along with every other person on the planet.

It went well, I think. They say we will know early next week who got it.

Oh, the stress of it all.

Interesting.

He can't 'subject' himself or his family to me. And yet he still comes here to read all about it.


Yes, Dave....I can see you.

YOU ARE HERE - 08-26-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- another word for the same thing (Ontario) (#?) Uh, synonym?
- videos of chicks losing there clothes in fights (Tunkhannock,Pennsylvania) (#3) Classic.
- fuckin crap employers (England) (#5) OH, OH....I know this one!
- slang for boring (Virginia) (#5) I will tell you what boring is....looking for a slang word for boring on the internet.
- gangsta funk blogspot (France) (#4) [Giggle]

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?
Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Botswanna High Commission (London)
Dadavidson & Co (Great Falls, Montana)
Hungarian News Agency (Budapest)
Mi Group (Ontario)
University Of British Columbia (Vancouver)
Embarq Corporation (Apopka, Florida)

Can You See Your House From Here?


HINT: Ever visit the National Széchényi Library or admire the statue of György Dózsa?
Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.

Answers to previous weeks.
06-03-07 - Isle of man
06-10-07 - Kingston, Jamaica
06-17-07 - Ljubljana, slovenia
06-24-07 - Hard Rock Cafe Miami, Florida
06-30-07 - Washington DC (Thayer Capital)
07-08-07 - Knox Basketball - Melbourn AU
07-15-07 - Google Inc (Mountain View, California)
07-22-07 - U.s. Patent And Trademark Office -Woodbridge, Virginia
07-29-07 - Dynetics Inc - Huntsville, Alabama
08-12-07 - California State Polytechnic University (Pomona)
08-19-07 - Indiana University (Bloomington)

PRIDE.

Got into a debate the other night about the Mayor of one of our towns refusing to fly the Gay Pride flag on the town hall during pride week.

Potsie and I were sitting outside smoking with 'Don'. "It's just a stupid flag. What's the big deal?" The mayor didn't think it was appropriate to fly it on the town hall building, frankly neither do I.

Don pipes up, "What if they said that during the Million Man March, told them they couldn't fly their flag." I don't even think they had a flag.

ME: "Are you seriously comparing the Million Man March with Potsie's desire to 'take one for the team'?" Potsie is busting a gut.

DON: "Well it's their community...legal rights..."

ME: "Oh please! Have you been to a gay pride parade, nothing says 'legal joint tax return' like a big harry guy in bondage garb.

The only thing that makes Potsie here any different from any other human on the planet is his sexual preference. WTF? Why does he get a flag?

Look, I really don't give a shit who you love, live with, fuck, whatever. But where does it end, do we have to fly the foot fetish flag? Or the wife swapper flag. What? All they have to do is organize a parade and they can plaster the government buildings with flags?"

Don is just shaking his head. Potsie is in stitches.

ME: "Where is my Heterosexual, Fat Chick, Missionary Position Flag? That's what I want to know! How come I don't get a fuckin' parade?"

POTSIE: "We had a meeting but the Mayor vetoed it."

ME: "Thank God for that, my buttless chaps are in the shop."

I can't win the lottery, but maybe...?

I applied for a job with the local Undisclosed Internet Service Provider™ to do tech support from home.

Unfortunately, everyone else at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center™ had the same idea and there are only 15 openings. What would be really cool is if they hired everyone that applied. We could all do a stampede out the door at the same time. Trampling the Big Giant Head on the way out. (A girl can dream)

I would kill for this job. The mere fact that I could smoke at my desk again would convince me to take a cut in pay. Not to mention the whole 'bunny slipper' aspect of the job.

They supply you with a dedicated phone line, high speed internet, computer, phone, the works. Some reports say desk and chair, but that is not confirmed. Factor in that as an employee, you would get a deal on your internet, cable and phone service and that alone justifies the cut in pay. Their base salary is only 40 cents less than I am making now.

The cutoff for applications was on Wednesday and people were already getting callbacks yesterday. I, of course, was not one of them but there is still hope.

Fingers and toes crossed.

Update!

I had a 25 minute phone interview at noon today. The interviewer said he was impressed with my resume and how I handled myself on the phone.

There is a catch, however. He wants my last employers name as a reference. That would be the one that fired me. You would think this would be an upsetting turn of events. But alas, the planets have aligned themselves for Evel and this particular turn could not come at a better time. (All will be revealed in a later post)

Anyway, I have a face-to-face next Wednesday with another person who will grill me on the technical.

Just a little nervous.

Things that make you go...hmmmm.

I spend a lot of time in front of this computer, and every time I think I have seen it all, I realize I never will. I have been on here a long time and I like to consider myself jaded but there is always something that makes me say WTF? Maybe it is because people are so bombarded with information 24/7 that everything is becoming boring. We are desensitized by the onslaught.

I was watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels the other night and they were in Vegas. What the hell is going on with Carrot Top? He's like Chucky....all cute at the beginning and now he is horror movie scary.

He was so fun to watch, all goofy hair, gangly arms and legs. Now he is just a freak show, you can't take your eyes off him. I kept waiting for his arms to pop or somethibng. Reminds me of those body builder chicks who's faces get all distorted. [Shiver]

I came across this the other night while searching for movies, R. Kelly - Trapped In The Closet Chapters 13-22???? Are you kidding me? Would someone just pull the trigger on this idiot already?

Scuse me while I kiss the sky ground.

I am not sure my nerves will survive teaching two new drivers to drive.

Took my friend Kimmy driving today. This is the third or forth time she has had a learners permit. She never quite makes it to the actual road test. She is 41 and has never had a license. I think The Boy is doing a lot better, only because when you are 16 you have no fear.

She is not comfortable driving in town yet, so we go mostly through the country, occasionally on some dirt roads. I am trying very hard to stay positive, telling her she is doing fine, trying not to freak her out. You know, so she doesn't wrap us around a tree.

"Do you think I am too close to the side of the road?"

"Uh, well, I shouldn't be able to pick flowers out of the ditch. So ya, you're a bit close."

Took me a minute to get my sea legs back, I was never so happy to get behind the wheel.

YOU ARE HERE - 08-19-07
How people found this site. And the ranking. (if I can locate it)

- fuck buddy poughkeepsie (New York) (#4)
- black thing that gets bigger in peripheral vision (Georgia) (#5)
- another meaning for shit (Virginia) (#3)
- gung ho! gift of goose (Texas) (#6)

HERE FROM WORK or SCHOOL?

Shouldn't you be working or studying?

Indiana University (Bloomington)
University Of Miami (Florida)
Watson Wyatt & Company (DC)
Hall Booth Smith & Slover Pc (Atlanta)

Can You See Your House From Here?




HINT: Ever hang out at Uncle Fester's House of Blooze?
Or catch a Hoosiers game?
Well, can you see your house from here? If you can, email me.