I'm up! I'm up!
Ok, I like Jesus as much as the next guy, but why the hell does he need bells? I mean come on! I don't even think they had bells back in the day and I am pretty sure if you asked him now he would say, "Ixnay ethay uckinfay ellsbay." at least until after, let's say, noon? Ok, so Jesus wouldn't use pig Latin but I don't know real Latin so it will have to do.
So, since I was so rudely awakened, I set off for coffee. The rude bell ringers are lining my street, making it difficult to maneuver. They park like idiots, I supposed putting faith in God that us heathens won't sideswipe them cuz they are parked half-ass crooked with their front end jutting into the street. I finally get out of my driveway without scraping paint and I see a bumper sticker on one of the bell ringers cars - CHRIST WILL COME AGAIN. Holy shit, I hope not.
Can you imagine if he did? Good lord, he would have to play it a lot different this time. None of this loaves and fishes crap, he would have to show some serious destructive power or he would simply be mugged in the street or locked away in the loonie bin. He really wouldn't stand a chance in this day and age. And his dad would then have to destroy the planet, cuz his kid didn't even get the chance to turn some water into wine.
In fact he probably wouldn't even have been born. Virgin birth? Joe of today would not deal with that shit as well. He would snap Mary's neck and be doing 20-life.
He would probably have to sneak Jesus in, forget the star in the east, the prophesies, none of the "I am the son of God" shit. Stay under the radar, but still get some attention. Maybe get the message out subliminally.
Hey! Maybe David Copperfield is Jesus? He does act kinda weird and he flys. If you think about it, it's genius.