Holy Mackerel!

Check this out. Wouldn't you love to work at a place like this? We were shown a video today. It was called FISH! This is the work ethic we should try to emulate.

Live Camera at Pike Place Market
(This is Seattle, Washington so depending on what time zone you are in you might just see an empty stall. But take the time to check back during business hours. This is a hoot!)

After the video, we joked, "Do we have to throw a fish everytime the phone rings or can we just answer it?"

I hope this is really what the atmosphere will be like and they are not just fuckin' with our heads.

The wonderful world of acronyms.

With the first day of training under my belt I have come to the realization that I will never speak in complete sentences again. Everything has an acronym and everyone speaks in them. It�s like listening to people speak another language. The down side is that when they talk that way it always seems like it is an inside joke and that the joke is on you. Now if I can just keep from fucking up my time keeping, I will be fine.

For some reason this disappeared, have to republish.
APRIL 1, 2003

YES, YES, YES!!!


I am now gainfully employed! The woman just called and offered me a position.


And now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!








A special thanks to:

Kimmy - Feeder of the Unemployed
Anne - Career Councillor Extraordinaire
Tracey - Exceptional Reference Giver
Bernadette - Woman�s Center Goddess
Mom - For picking up the slack
Adele - Sister and Warrior Princess (she kept the repo man away from my car)

WTF?

For some reason my fucking blog won't load.

I am seriously PO'ed!

That extra mile.

The BigBrother phoned last night from Bermuda. I thought that was so sweet. You see, ever since he became the BigBrother he would call my son on Friday nights to make plans for Saturday. We never expected for him to call while he was away getting hitched, but he did.

I hope his new wife realizes just how lucky she is.

Yet another traumatic experience.

Night before last, my f-ing front tooth took that opportunity to disintegrate. So there I am, 6pm with no front tooth, and less than a week (that�s two dentist days) before I start a brand new job. Just Gods way of saying, �Hey, asshole, don�t get too happy.� It is one of the reasons I am terrified of winning the lottery. I am convinced the second they pass me that giant check I will be struck by lightning.

But I digress. I call and leave a message for my dentist.

HELP--STOP--FRONT TOOTH--STOP--MIA--STOP--NEW JOB MONDAY--STOP

Well, that�s $150 for an emergency visit right off the fucking bat. But what can you do? I can�t show up at a new job looking like something off The Trailer Park Boys. So, now there is nothing left to do but wait and pray that he can take me.

He calls me back the next morning, he can take me at 4pm. Great! I pop an Atavan around 3. The last time I was at the dentist he gave me the rescription and told me not to come back unless I took them. (I am a bit of a coward huge baby when it comes to the dentist) I arrive at the dentist�s office pleasantly medicated and $300 later I have a perfect smile. (ok, so it is tobacco stained, but it�s not gapped toothed)

I just hope that God lets me work long enough to pay off some bills before he torches the place.


UPDATE: But things are looking up.

After my traumatic dental experience, the boy and I went to Fibber's for supper.




The boy had deep fried ice cream for desert.




And I had this, strawberry cheesecake. MMMMMMM!

Memories.

I had company last night, Mary and Doug. They visit me once a year and it always brings back great memories.

Back before my son was born we lived in Aspen (not Colorado), a very small rural community. Lots of lakes and cottages. Doug had a �camp� on the lake (men call them camps) behind our house. In a community like Aspen, everyone �visits�, that�s what you do because there is nothing much else going on. Unless of course someone is getting married and they open up the rifle range for the reception.

Anyway, we spent a lot of time at the camp. Sitting around the campfire while Ivan, my son�s godfather, played the spoons and sang. Or sitting around the woodstove drinking and telling stories while the boys cooked deer steak and boiled corn. Even when I was pregnant, I would haul my humongous ass down the dirt road to the camp and swim in the lake.

That camp was the reason I was pregnant in the first place. Once when we were sitting on the bank of the lake, throwing rocks into the lake for the dog ,Cooter, to retrieve (that dog would retrieve anything, from sun up to sun down) a boat pulled up. It was an older man from across the lake. He had his grandson with him who was about 5 years old. He was all decked our for fishing, little hip waders, fishing vest and even a hat with fish hooks on it. He was the most adorable thing you have ever seen. Later that evening around the campfire my �ex� and his brother-in-law were 10 sheets to the wind,

The ex, in tears - �I wish I had a little fella to take fishin.�

He went on and on about what he would do with a �little fella� of his own. Ball games, fishing, and camping. Well I held him off for a while, made him jump through a few hoops (�not till we have a house� that sort of thing) thinking he would give up on the idea. I wasn�t all that anxious to give up my partying days quite yet. During this time my friend had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, so, with that thought running through my head, I agreed. After all, it wouldn�t happen right away, right? It was taking my friend all this time to conceive, and maybe if we were trying, it would get the ex off my back. Perhaps he would get it out of his system.

Well I guess you see where this is going. From the minute we stopped using protection it took about a week for me to get pregnant. I had my son, and 8 months after that (long, long story short) I left the ex and never looked back. It has been just my son and I for the last 12 years. And the only good thing about the ex, is that he talked me into having him. I couldn�t imagine life without my son now. We have a ball together.

You want to take a guess on how many times my ex has taken his son fishing? Exactly once. He has never taken him to a ball game, and has only ever shown up for my sons ball game twice. (and incidentally he never got out of the car) My son has been in hockey for two years, the first year his father (and I use the term loosely) showed up for one game and one practice. This year, not one game. His girlfiend, however, has been to quite a few.(go figure)

Again, I say, thank God for the BigBrother, he really picked up the slack. I can�t imagine a �father� doing more. He shows up for the ball games, hockey games and takes him to practice. He takes him to the movies, fishing, camping and just hangs out with him on the weekends.

My son still gets very upset with his father, I know it hurts him that he never shows up for anything but I know that the BigBrother makes up for a lot of that. Maybe someday (no doubt when its too late) his father will realize just how much he missed. I try to tell him how exciting it is to see his son hit a home run or score a goal on a break-a-way, but he just doesn�t get it. Oh well, it�s his loss is absolutely our gain.

Sometimes, it's just cool to hear the word.

Last night on Judging Amy, Donna was interviewing people for her blog. How cool is that?

Perhaps someday, in the not so distant future, we will actually be able to say the word �blog� without people giving that weird "are-you-speaking-Klingon" look.

Apparently I am awesome.(who knew?)

Got a call from one of the people I used as a reference for the new job. She wanted me to know how it went. She praised me to the highest.

I started to laugh and say "so, you basically lied through your teeth?"

"You know me Evel, I would never lie for you." (holy shit! I had forgotten about the born again thing.)

"Wow, if I hadn't forgotten about that, I probably wouldn't have listed you as a reference."

I guess I didn't realize how much I helped her. You know how people thank you and say stuff like "what would I do without you?" ? You take it with a grain of salt, right? Well there is nothing like a true Christian to let you know that sometimes, just sometimes, people aren't just blowing smoke up your ass.

Just never ask them, "do I look fat in this dress?"

Very interesting....

Another email directing me to more spine chilling info on Iraq and Saddam

This guy is one sick puppy.

Twelve hours later.

This is the same stretch of road, 12 hours later.

Line up, two by two.

This almost stopped me from getting to my interview.




We had a lot of flooding, but hey, we still have a sense of humour about it.

And she's back!

Well, that went extemely well. I didn't fuck up during the interview and afterwards they let me sit with one of the guys and listen to him take calls (to make sure it was something I would enjoy doing). He was halarious.

Everyone seemed to be having a ball. It was a very relaxed atmosphere. I really hope I get this job. I will know for sure by Monday, if not sooner.

T minus 20 minutes and counting.

I leave for my interview in 5 minutes. I am really starting to get nervous. It's raining like a son of a whore outside and I just know I will arrive looking like a fucking drowned rat.

God, help me.

Time's a wastin'.

This is a handy little utility, and Atomic clock.

You tell 'em Grandma!

Got this in an email today, not sure of the origin.

"This is from an Army captain stationed in DC.
To nobody's surprise there were protestors today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia.

I got hosed twice because I come in from NoVA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse anyway...to the point-- I got off my train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom. When I was getting back on the train, there were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a guesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said,

"Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said,

"Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words."

The best things come in email.

I got this in an email the other day, I am still laughing.

"My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his
forehead. "

And another thing...

"Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them.

Personally, I thnk if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow!"

Tell me something I don't know.

This is a very useful tool, although I don't see anywhere on the site, suggestions on how to fix the problems. More than likely I am just too lazy to look. Anyway, it looks to me like the only people having real problems viewing my page are Mac users, and Win users who just won't upgrade their browser.

NOW who is the lazy one?

Any way take a look at my Public Project try it out for yourself. It's very informative....sort of.

I�m up, I�m up!

My friend, Kimmy, woke me up this morning to tell me I didn�t have to get up to drive her to work (how considerate).

So now I am up I spend a couple hours reading up on the war. It is looking like this is going to take longer than Bush expected. But it seems most people are worried about what will happen after the war is over. That will be the true test of it. As long as the US does it right I think all the nay-sayers will be silenced.

Some people I have spoken with have voiced concerns that Bush is just starting with Iraq. That he will soon move on to Iran, and Korea. I think if he is smart he will do just that. Use the success of the war to put the fear of God (figure of speech not religious) into oppressive regimes all over the world. I think it is about time that we drag the world kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Oppressed people in this world should know that there is someone out there that will stick up for them when their own leaders won�t, like (yes I will say it) a big brother.

People are saying Bush wants to rule the world. Come on people, he could only do it for 8 years, tops. At least he has the guts to do something, instead of worrying about his political career. People call him a bully, I say he is more like the kid who helps the little guy fight back. He will only have to do it a couple of times before the really bullies of this world realize that if they are going to pick on people he is going to have their backs. (to put it simplistically)

They say Iraq is second only to Syria in oil reserves. So I think that once Saddam is ousted, your going to see a much better quality of life there for all the people.

Who needs Tony Robbins?

Iraqi Soldiers Say It Was Fight or Die

A post from Blogs of War.

Finally someone asks an ativist the question everyone wants to know. This post is taken from Blogs of War.

"12:15am CST

An Iraqi exile confronts a "peace" activist. This is one of the best things I've ever heard: Listen (mp3)"

To spring or not to spring...

This is three days ago.



And this is today.

Geneva Convention

With all the recent talk about the Geneva Convention, I thought it might be informative if we all became familiar with the actual wording of it. There is also a PowerPoint presentation on it as well.

Geneva Convention: The Rules of War

Rule 1: Warring nations cannot use chemical weapons against each other.

Rule 2: The use of expanding bullets or materials calculated to cause unnecessary suffering is prohibited. An expanding bullet, upon impact, explodes within the body.

Rule 3: The discharge of projectiles (such as bullets or rockets) from balloons is prohibited. (Balloons?)

Rule 4: Prisoners of war must be humanely treated and protected from violence. Prisoners cannot be beaten or used for propaganda purposes (to try to change the way people think about something). (Saddam pretty much busted himself on that one.)

Rule 5: Prisoners of war must give their true name and rank or they will lose their prisoner of war protection.

Rule 6: Nations must follow procedures to identify the dead and wounded and to send information to their families.

Rule 7: Killing anyone who has surrendered is prohibited.

Rule 8: Zones must be set up in fighting areas to which the sick and injured can be taken for treatment.

Rule 9: Special protection from attack is granted to civilian hospitals marked with the Red Cross symbol.

Rule 10: The free passage of medical supplies is allowed.

Rule 11: Shipwrecked members of the armed forces at sea should be taken ashore to safety.

Rule 12: Any army that takes control of another country must provide food to the people in that country.

Rule 13: Attacks on civilians and undefended towns are prohibited.

Rule 14: Enemy submarines cannot sink merchant or business ships before passengers and crews have been saved.

Rule 15: A prisoner can be visited by a representative from his or her country. Prisoners have the right to talk privately without observers.

I guess we can all agree that Saddam has broken more than one of these rules.

A big shout out to Buffy

My son told me today that his BigBrother�s girlfriend, Tammy, reads this blog. I am quite upset, if that is true, that she has never commented. Either my son is a �big fat liar� or even people I know don�t even bother to comment.

Ok, I get the odd comment, but nothing like dooce does. She has to turn off the comments on each post after 2 days or she would get nothing done.

My son�s BigBrother, Chris, is heading off with Tammy to the Bahamas (or is it Bermuda? Something with a B) to get married.

My son described Tammy, upon first meeting her, as looking like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I hope she just �looks� like Buffy and doesn�t kick butt like her. With my luck Chris would say the wrong thing to her and I would be forced to wade thought the BigBrother pool once again looking for a replacement. Problem with that is, I wouldn�t find one. Chris is the best thing to happen to my son. I couldn�t have asked for a better match. He is going to make someone a very good dad.

So, Buffy, if you have to kick butt, aim high and spare the family jewels.

Don't like the weather? Just wait.

This morning it was so nice that I had my tea on the door step and listened to the birds sing. It was very nice, spring had sprung.

By noon, however, it was quite a different story. This was the view from the step.



Here in Canada, spring is aparently 3 hours long.

Wake up call for human sheilds.

I was just over at a small victory catching up on my reading. When I came accross this post entitled

Another human shield gets hit in the head with a reality brick:

This is a must read for anyone who is on the fence about the war.

Hmmm.

Ok, so its grey. I can work with this. I think.

If anyone out there sees a better eye graphic....let me know will ya. For some reason photoshop is fighting with me over the text overlay. It makes it fuzzy.

Can you smell the smoke comming out of my ears?

Mostly thinking out loud.

Well I got in contact with the person who designed this template. She of course wants to get paid for altering her original design. Well she made it sound so easy, I decided to investigate.

{Open Source Code}

Ah....what's this? femstyle.css? Looks like that is what is running this whole show.

{Search - css)

Says here I can make myself a template and change the style of the page at will by changing the style sheet. Hmmm. This is very cool. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? We'll talk later.

I am 2 hours into it and I have decided that I can learn how to do this and I will do this, myself. What I really need to know is if I can totally do my own blog template without using bloggers. Anyone? I think I can.

The only thing is, I really like the eye and lip graphic on the left. If I can only find something similar that I can tweak I will be all set. Again, anyone who see's one in their travels, let me know.

So basically I need to create an html document that is a table with two columns? First column is two rows in first row is graphic, second is links. the second column is my blogger content, with a background. Does that sound right? Hmmmm. I should open this is in front page to see how this is put together. Ok, wrong, three columns the third is empty except for the background (purple hazzy thing)

I think I can do this. Just have to remember to save old template. Just in case I totally fuck this whole thing up.

Wish me luck, or better yet, get off your ass and help me.

A change of scenery.

I am thinking it is time for a change in scenery. Namely, this blog. I have been browsing the various template sites but I am of the school of "less is more". Clearly most of these templates are not. I would like to keep it simple. Maybe even keep it the same but be able to change the color. I think I will contact the wonderful creator of this template and ask her if this is possible. I was never really crazy about purple.

Tension building.

Just got a call from the company I tested for. They have called me in for the final, face to face, interview. With any luck I will have a job by April.

Begin rant ... now.

My mother is about to drive me out of my mind. She is out of cereal and apparently that is cause for national concern. She has called 6 times already, �I thought you were coming up?�

�Ma, I will get there, keep your shirt on.�

�No rush, dear� (ya right!)

I realize she doesn�t get out much but Jesus H. Christ, give me a break and let go of the cereal obsession. If you don�t get it today you will not explode.

I love my mother, but I really don�t feel like going there every fucking day of my life. Why am I the only one she calls? She had six children, I�m sure of it, I have seen pictures.

Ok, call number 7 of the day. Before she gets a chance to harp about the f-ing cereal��Ma, I just got in the door. I had to take The Boy to the outdoor (emergency room to you Yanks out there), can you wait till tomorrow for the cereal?�

�Yes, dear, that�s fine. But I was actually calling to ask you to bring milk since I won�t have money to put out for the milk man in the morning�

This is another thing that baffles me. She makes me go up there every day but I am not allowed to bring milk, since the milkman brings it.

�Ma, you don�t need home delivery, I can pick up milk for you. This is not the North Pole, we have stores on every corner here.�

She somehow thinks that since she is living in a retirement community that she is paying for this service so she must take advantage of it.

�Ma, they deliver fish on my street, but you don�t see me out on the doorstep haggling for mackerel.�

I try to tell her that the milkman delivers all over town, not just to old people, and that the home delivered milk actually costs more. And to make matters worse, she has to get up at 5:30am to catch the milk man. She has a sign that she puts in the window but she won�t put the money outside in case it gets stolen.

�Mother of God!. I don�t think burglars will come way the hell out here on the off chance you have left $4 in a jar outside your door.� I am, of course, wasting my breath.

And the f-ing milkman never has the kind of milk she wants anyway. You can not reason with old people.

Ah...just .....eeewww.

San Francisco protesters stage a 'vomit in'

I thought evolution was supposed to weed out all the fucked up of this world. Aparently not.

A CNN Correspondent's personal blog from the front lines of war. Worth watching.

Kevin Sites Blog

First hand news from a blogger in Bagdad.


Where is Raed ?

Here are my two cents about the war with Iraq.

Celebrities should stay the hell out of it. They hold too much power over the weak-minded of this world.

Just because the guy played Moses a bazillion (that is actually a word) years ago, doesn�t mean that God thinks you all should be armed to the teeth. Or for that matter, just because he plays the president on tv, doesn't mean you should all take his advice on politics. There are some people, however, who can't make the distinction between actor and role. For this reason, celebrities should stick to make-believe and stay the hell out of politics.

Ok, so this next bit is not my 2 cents, but I couldn't have said it better myself.

You will notice, (if you aren't living under a rock) that the anti-war people don't seem to have an alternative plan. It's like they haven't really thought past the protest songs and peace marches. NO BLOOD FOR OIL? How about, NO OIL FOR PACIFISTS. I don�t think it is about oil, Iraq has had 12 years to comply with the United Nations, obviously diplomacy is NOT working. What is the point of having UN resolutions if there is no consequences to defying them? What is your solution if not war?

I think everyone is open for suggestions.


PS: In case of terrorist attacks, the US government has some duck and cover suggestions.

Bush fires the first shot.


CNN.com - White House: Military campaign has begun - Mar. 19, 2003

So far so good.

Had the test portion of the interview process today. I think I did pretty well. They wanted a typing speed of 30wpm and I got 55 so that's a relief.

Next there was a test "find these things on the internet, show how you got to them". 20 minutes to answer 10 questions and I knew 5 of the URL's off the top of my head, no search required.(so I finished in 5 min)

Finally, 45 min of simulated customer service calls (which I finished in 28 min, not sure if that is good or bad) All in all I think I did very well. Now I just have to wait.

Interview Anxiety

I hope like hell I don�t screw it up. The last interview I had was in �98 and before that it was�85, so I am not all that experienced at it.

The job in �85 was with a Japanese company and came complete with interpreter. Needless to say I didn�t get it. The one in '98 was a bit of a shoe in, that's 1 and 0, so my odds aren�t great either.

Fingers (and toes) crossed.

Woo Hoo!

Just had a phone interview with the company I want to work for. It went well. I go in for an onsite interview tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

And so the pissing contest begins.


CNN.com - Bush: Saddam has 48 hours to leave Iraq - Mar. 18, 2003

UPDATE TIME!

I haven�t posted in a while so here is the wrap up.

The bride�s f-ing dog is gone. It refused to shit anywhere but in the house. Here I was like a nut at 3am outside in the snow walking this fuckin� shit machine for an hour and it would do absolutely nothing. The second I get it back inside it shit on the floor. The second night I just let it out of the cage in the middle of the night and said �fill your boots dog, we�ll just eliminate the middle man�. After 2 days, all it did was make me want a cat. He was cute alright, but it got old really fast.

Still no job. I am really getting shack wacky. I have to say that you find out who your real friends are when you are hit with hard times. If it wasn�t for Kimmy, I don�t know what I would do. She is a pushy broad, and I love her. She calls me to take her for groceries (she doesn�t have a license) and says to me, �Do you need anything? Fuck that, (not waiting for an answer) your getting groceries too.�

I had to take my mother for a colonoscopy (don�t ask) today. Long story short, they couldn�t do it and she has to go back in a couple of weeks to try again. I wanted my sister to be there this time. You see after my mother has one of these procedures and is in recovery, she looks like she has been hit by a truck. I figured that my sister needed to see this. Slap her into reality. �Hello, your mother is 75, she has Parkinson's disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease, etc, etc. GO VISIT HER!� My sister keeps saying that when my mother goes, she gets the china and her wedding ring. Well, I informed her that if she didn�t show up for the procedure she could pound sand. After my mother is gone, I will be the one deciding who gets what and depending on my mood she just might get the china. She showed up, but she was late and since the procedure was cancelled, she missed us. It�s the thought that counts I guess.

I am really into the whole �reality tv� thing. I am truly a junkie. My current favourite is of course Survivor. But I absolutely can�t miss an episode of The Family. This show pits family members, in this case an Italian family from New York, against each other for a million dollar trust. They are set up in a mansion where, every week, two of the members are put up for elimination by the �secret board of trustees�. What these people don�t know is that this board is made up of the servants. You know, the people you don�t pay any attention to. Makes for hilarious tv.

If its reality based, I watch it. Except for Bachelor and Bachelorette, I just think that�s sad. Oh, and Married by America, that�s just stupid. I think the success of some reality based programs are opening the door to a lot of crap.

What are your favourites? And don�t lie, I know you watch them.

The cat may need therapy.

I am babysitting "the bride's" dog for a couple of days.




It took me an hour to get my cat to come in the house and she wouldn't leave the doorway. After a while I went out to check on her and couldn't find her. I looked everywhere (which was simple since there was only one room she could be in) but couldn't find her. I was having a twilight zone moment when I decided to have a cup of tea.




Do you think she might need therapy after this?

Spill your guts.

Radmila posted these questions on her site and demanded answers. Since no one messes with Radmila, here are mine.

1. What was the last song you heard?
Vivo Per Lei - Andrea Bocelli (he�s an Italian tenor, I am a sucker for an Italian accent)

2. What are the last two movies you saw.
I hate the theatre, I never go. (you can�t smoke in �em) However, I don�t wait for the video, you do the math. The last two movies I saw were Lord of the Rings Two Towers and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Gas (I agree�.holy shit!), Cigarettes and a Tim Horton's medium double double.

4. What 4 things do you need to do this weekend?
Find a job, find a job, find a job. Oh and did I mention find a job?

5. Who are the last 5 people you talked to?
My career councillor, Ann. My friend Kim, My sister Adele, her husband Donny and my son.

If anyone else wants to spill their guts, you know what to do.

Happy Anniversary to me.

Today is the first anniversary of my blog.

Everybody sing.




I really didn't think I would make it this far and at first I was worried that no one would read it. Now I look back over the year and realize that even if no one reads it, it's out there. I made the effort even if sometimes it seems as if I phoned it in.

Blogging is an experiment. It is interesting (to me) to look back and see what it was that I felt was interesting enough in my life to blog about. It will be equally interesting, I think, to see what is to come.

Now take a trip down memory lane, with my first post ever.

That's my boy!

The boy had his final hockey game tonight and (you guessed it) he got a goal. They won the game 2-1. He finished the season as top goal scorer for his team and 5th in the league. I am so proud I could bust. Incidently, his father didn't see one game this year. (asshole!)

You have to see mothers at a hockey game to appreciate it. Normally sane, well adjusted women become bloodthirsty and obnoxious. The boy was struck in the arm with a slap shot and was taken off his feet. At that point his 75 year old Catholic granny stood up and screamed,

"Blow the damn whistle Ref!" (yes, she prays to God with that mouth)

The boy was then checked hard against the boards and fell like a rag doll, it was his sainted mother's turn to stand up and scream,

"Shake it off, boy, get after that puck!" (hey, at least I didn't curse)

I don't know what I will do now that hockey season is over. It was my only social life. I don't do bars and my friends are married and boring. Well, at least there is baseball to look forward to, but after a season of checking I am not sure baseball will do it for me. Maybe I can talk the boy into football, or rugby.

Tell her you'll give her the moon.....and mean it.

This nutbar is selling property on the moon. He actually owns it, just by saying so. Read all about the Lunar Embassy

While you are there, check out the CNN coverage.

What will they think of next?

?

Are they really your friend if, when you are at your lowest, they never say,

"Is there anything you need?"?

He has it all figured out. Or does he?

Our pub owner, Aaron, seems to think that he has it all figured out. That it must be an inside job, and he has decided that it is my fiend Kimmy who has Greg. So, we need to mix it up a bit with this photo.



Here we see Greg in an establishment that my friend Kimmy, would absolutely never go, The Thistle. This should keep him guessing. There is a lot of bad blood between these two bars. Aaron used to work there and Kimmy used to be the chef. Until he bought a new pub, Fibbers, and brought Kimmy over with him. The owner of the Thistle was very upset with that and accused our pub owner of �stealing� his chef. He made it a point to make trouble for Fibber�s even before it opened.

So, I think this will throw Aaron off the track. At least for a little while.

BTW: The poster on the wall was not a set up, it was just a happy coincidence.

Have ovaries, will travel.

After yet another frustrating meeting with Miss Deadfish, I am thinking that maybe she is under the false impression that this program is being funded out of her own pocket. She is doing her best to discourage me enough so that I just give up and go away. I am missing one form from the government.

She is like a dog with a bone, she wants the blue form,

�But the yellow form says exactly the same thing.� I point out to her the information on the yellow form that she needs from the illusive blue form.

�I must have the blue form.�

�How about if I put the yellow form in my jeans pocket and run it through the washing machine. Wait, no, that wouldn�t work, that would just make it green. Would you take the green? You know, split the difference?�

Miss Deadfish is not amused. She seems pissed that her job, (working with the public) forces her to work with the actual public.

So, now I feel like a real loser. Not only do I not have a job but apparently I am a complete incompetent for not being able to secure the Holy Grail of government forms, the blue form. My phone rings and it is my friends mother. We chat as I warm up the car and after a minute she says, �You need to go to the Women�s Center�.

�Never heard of it, aren't� places like that just for battered women?� No, she says, she went there when she was trying to get her pension. She gives me directions. Can�t hurt, not like I have anywhere else to go.

So, I find this little house down by the waterfront and brace myself for a long wait and yet another round of talks with government bureaucrats. The sign on the door reads:

- - Welcome to the Women�s Center. Give the door a kick, sometimes it sticks. - -

I like the sounds of this place already. I walk in and am immediately greeted by, not one, but two women in jeans and t-shirts who smile and say in unison, �Hi, can I help you?�

�You already have, you smiled at me. But I need someone who can cut through some red tape for me.�

I am promptly escorted to see Bernadette. Bernadette is a very charming woman in her late 40�s early 50�s who immediately makes me feel at home, her office is on the top floor of the house. She directs me to a very comfortable couch at the back of the office, offers me coffee and I spill my guts like we were old friends.

It is her job, Bernadette informs me, to bitch slap the bureaucrats and pry the money out of their cold dead hands. The money, she tells me, I am entitled to and should not have to beg for. In fact she is heading out the next morning to brow beat the government so they don�t cut any more services for women. I believe that there will be more than a few politicians, come Monday morning, with Bernadette�s hand print branded on their cheeks.

She tells me that she will take care of everything, she has connections. The first thing she does is call the immediate supervisor of Miss Deadfish and solves the �blue form� controversy. She chats up the supervisor and is assured that my application will be rushed through. Then she makes me an appointment with a career councillor and calls the local college to see about seats for the upcoming course that I am interested in.

Bernadette gets this done in an hour, and that is including the time it took me to spill my guts. By the time I get home (15 minutes later) there are two messages on my machine, one from the career councillor confirming my appointment and one from Bernadette. She has heard from the college and as soon as my application is confirmed I can talk to someone about getting that seat.

Ladies, if you have a Women�s Center in your area, don�t assume it is just for battered women. Its for every woman. They know all the programs, and deal with bureaucrats everyday and know who to call and what to ask for. The only prerequisite is that you have ovaries.

Finally one good thing about my monthly visit from Aunt Flo, she introduced me to Bernadette.

Government at work.

Ok, well maybe not �work� but they are definitely filling seats, wearing down pencils, drinking a lot of that free government coffee. They just aren't doing anything for me. But I am sure they will start�.very soon�.I�m sure of it.

I have been off work now for a month. I thought maybe I would go back to school. You know, re-train for a better career? After inquiring with the proper authorities, I have discovered there are two programs available.

The first one is through Unemployment Insurance, which is no good to me since I was self employed, I wasn�t paying into it so I can�t get anything out of it. Ok, so that�s out.

The second is a program through community services. Here�s where it gets crazy. The program is designed to get people off social assistance (welfare). I inquire about this program and learn that I have to be on SA for 5 months in order to get assistance to go back to school. I think maybe someone on the other end of the phone must be slightly uninformed.

Wouldn�t it be more cost efficient to keep people from going on SA in the first place? But of course that is not how the government operates, they don�t want to be accused of actually being efficient.

So I meet with the case worker who requests reams of paperwork, SIN number, income tax returns, birth certificates, child custody orders, a pint of blood and a urine sample. I tell her that I am interested in this �other� program.

�I don�t know anything about that�, and Miss Dead Fish carries on taking down my vital statistics.

�Um, but being eligible for your program is a pre-requisite to applying for that program, shouldn�t you know about it?�

�Sorry, you will have to talk to someone from that department". (in the same building I might add)

The problem is, I can�t talk to this other person till I determine that I am eligible for this dead fish�s program. She was sooooo helpful. Am I crazy in thinking that these two departments, at least, should talk. I mean they are in the same building, they probably have the same lunch room. If one program clearly encompasses two departments, shouldn�t both departments be at least aware of the program?

There I go again, thinking logically. I clearly would not make it as a civil servant.

He cleans up nicely, doesn't he?

Celebrities Behaving Badly.

The best places to see celebrities behaving badly.

First off we have Celebrity Mole Hawaii. Nothing like a little back stabbing to bring celebs together.

Next there is I�m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Again with the back stabbing, but add a little rain, some venomous spiders, snakes and the obligatory fight over the last square of toilette paper. 15 days trapped in the Australian rain forest with a bunch of celebrities. Nobody famous enough to make the papers if they accidentally get eaten by a crocodile.

Last but not least, my personal favourite, The Surreal Life.

Who knew that amongst an ex-90210 cutie, a playboy bunny and the bitch from survivor that Cory Feldman would be the biggest drama queen. It thought that Vince Neil would go blind with all the eye rolling he did (mostly at Corey). Corey cried more than all the women put together. No man is THAT sensitive. If I didn't know better I would say he was really a girl. (hey wait a minute, I don't know any better, he is a girl)

So how did it end? With a big production number orchestrated by (who else) Corey. He decided to marry his girlfriend on the show, with all his friends and family as well as all the celebrities he could get his houseguests to rustle up. Including Hugh Hefner (courtesy of housemate Brandi).

If you missed this one, you missed a chance to see a bunch of has-been (and a couple never-been) celebs brush their teeth, eat, sleep and basically get on each others nerves for 10 days in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Now THAT�S roughing it.

It's a boy!

This little ball of fur is the new addition to my friends family. His name is Tyson.





I think he looks like Scrat, what do you think?

What were you thinking?

Fluffy might be cute, and you might love Fluffy, but Fluffy is not getting a
kidney transplant.

Random thoughts from the tape recorder.

The lane outside the church is for loading and unloading of old ladies only. If you are dropping off your wife and kids let them get their fat asses to the church from the fucking parking lot.

Taxes made easy.

I just did my mothers taxes in just under 5 minutes, that includes printing a copy and filing online.

God bless the internet.

It's really NOT take-out!

What kind of a fucked up parallel universes must you have come from to believe that this is in any way, shape or form remotely like take out pizza.



If there are people out there who really believe this is how pizza is supposed to taste, then you have no idea what pizza is really supposed to taste like. Pizza is NOT supposed to taste like ketchup on cardboard.

If you don�t believe me, come to my house. We�ll have some beers and call the pizza guy (a close personal friend of mine) and get you educated , eh?

Give me a break.

If the personal ads are to be believed, the ideal place to meet a man is the beach at night. Because aparently every last one of them enjoys long walks on the beach in the moonlight. So you should be able to go down there and just swing a cat and catch a couple dozen and drag them home.

Where in the world is Greg the Monkey?

Hit Bitch

Just an experiment.

Just for today I am going to be a 'hit bitch' and insert all those words that got me hits in the last month and see just how many hits I can get for my page in 24 hours.

Counter is at 6113.

Here we go.

Joe Millionaire
Hack Starchoice
How many times have we thought "If I just close my eyes the bitch will go away.
American Idol
Mary Kay
Popping Zits
Rick Mercer
Female blogger
Hard young girl

Ok, so this is just for my own amusement, since it is snowing here and has been for the past 3 days and I am getting a little shack wacky. So sue me.

Oh and in case anyone is interested, Greg is chillin in the hot tub with the chicks.

Cracking under pressure.

Apparently Greg (sort of like the guy in Swordfish) is being used in some international plot to take over the world (or possibly just get some real cool pirated software).

At any rate we see that Greg has been forced to write some very sophisticated code as he is being watched over by his kidnappers evil henchmen.

Greg is traveling.

It seems that Greg is traveling south, FBI has been notified.

Proof of Life

UPDATE

Ok, it seems that there has been another abduction. Apparently there was a stuffed chicken that had been snatched from the bar over the weekend. They thought the disapearances were linked until they got photo confirmation on Greg.





I will be holding Greg until March. At that time, he will be handed off to accomplice #2 for a journey to England, where we hope to have him "spotted" at various locations. I think maybe we will have it revealed at the end that one of two things happened.

A: he killed the chicken and skipped the country or

B: he got the chicken pregnant and they ran off together over seas where she fell for a crow at the Tower of London and dumped poor Greg.

What do you think? Let me know, and if you have a better senario, let me know that too.

The abduction of Greg the Monkey: Day 1







Today I abducted Greg the Monkey from a local bar of which he is the official mascot and am holding him for ransom. What ransom? I am not sure yet but I�ll figure that out.

This is your mission, should you choose to except.

I need pictures of Greg in various locations. All you Photoshop junkies out there (you know who you are) I need convincing photos of Greg around the world if possible. I will post links to a number of photos of Greg in various positions, just pick the one you like. Or if you need him in a particular position, let me know and I will provide it. I hope to have Greg for at least a month and plan to send the owner of the bar daily updates as to the condition and possible whereabouts of Greg.

This is the first note sent to the bar owner.





This should be a hoot, since he will have absolutely no idea who took him. My friend is the chef at this restaurant/bar and I have only been in a couple of times. Today we decided to abduct the monkey since the owner, Aaron has become (we think) a bit too attached to the thing.

Anyway it is all in fun and I assure you that Greg is living it up. Watching pay per view porn on satellite tv, stuffing his face with bananas, the photos are completely staged and Greg has been in no way harmed.

Good luck on your mission, you can email your submissions to evel@whoever.com

Thank you for your participation, this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

greg1
greg2
greg3
greg4
greg5
greg6
greg7

The Boy is 12 today. Happy Birthday Buddy.

You are in Kansas, don�t look so surprised.

Just read a post by Mike Brown (aka cooties), about 7 high school students who were killed in an avalanche, a very sad thing to happen to any family.

My question is this: Why do people ski on mountains that "have" avalanches?

There must be plenty of places that have never had one, and chances are they never will. Or is there some sort of avalanche free mountain shortage. (not sure that last sentence made sense, but you get what I mean)

I suppose it is the same with tornadoes, never understood why anyone would live in a place where tornadoes were commonplace. I mean, every inch of the earth can�t be spoken for already right?

And its always the same people on the news saying, �It tain�t as bad as �96, we lost everthin� in �96 but it was a baddun� What kind of fucking whacked out drug are you taking? (can I get that in Canada?)

Every fucking year you get your house blown away in a tornado, it�s a no brainer. Move for fuck sake. What are you waiting for? That�s why they call it a 'mobile home', back your truck up to it and get the hell out of Dodge.

Don�t get me wrong, I feel bad for the families of the avalanche victims. But I can tell you, if I knew a mountain had had an avalanche, I would avoid it. DUH!

You think it can�t happen to you. However, if the house you are buying is the fifteenth structure that has sat on that foundation, shouldn�t that be a heads up to you? You are pretty much stacking the deck against yourself. Perhaps those ruby slippers are pinching a nerve.

Week 1�Unemployed

We are now at week one of unemployment and we are not impressed. (notice how after only a week I start to talk like royalty) I am starting to get shack wacky.

I have been emailing my resume and dropping it off in town. The local call center is �begging� for employees but so far they haven�t called. I know it has only been a week but I am getting antsy. I thought I would take this time to get some things done around the house but it hasn�t turned out that way. I would much rather surf the net than do housework. I mean, given a choice, what would you do? (if you said �housework�, you are a freak.)

I haven�t told my mother that I was let go yet. She is in her 70�s and everything upsets her so I told her I was on vacation. ;-) But I did tell her I was taking this time to look for another job, which she is all for because she knows what an asshole I was working for.

I don�t know if I mentioned this but three days before I was fired, I applied for a mortgage to buy the house that I am in now. One good thing about self employment, the bank doesn�t know when you are not working, so it is still going. It is looking good except for the old mortgage I had with the ex that might fuck me up. Since he is an asshole and let it laps a time or two.

Speaking of the asshole, he was just here picking up The Boy. I can�t believe that after 12 years, he still can�t have a civil conversation with me. I told him about the mortgage (you know, just making conversation) and he said something to the effect that it didn�t concern him and he could care less. I asked him when he expected he would be a grown up, and I could have a real conversation with him. He just looked at me and said, �you grow up�.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten and said, �I swear to god if you say �I know you are but what am I� I am going to scream.

I was hoping some day he would get over it, but it isn�t looking good. Thank God for his girlfriend, she is a sane person and I get along with her a lot better than I ever did him.

Bright side: Any time I think that maybe I might like to have a boyfriend full time, I just talk to him and it cures me of that insane idea.

THE END?

Ok. I have had time to process and I would like to explain what happened on Friday.

I arrived at work shortly before 9am. All was pretty normal, not much different than any other day. The boss had me type up a few letters and fax them off, then I finished the payroll and was about to dig in to my data entry, it was about 10:30am. He came down the stairs and was looking for something so I helped him find it.

Then he sat down. Here is our conversation:

�We are going to be making some changes around here. And unfortunately, they will not include you.�

Just like that. I was stunned for a minute. �Are you kidding?�

�No�

�Just like that?�

�Ya, just like that?�

�As of when?�

�Right now�

�No notice?, Nothing?�

�What would be the point in giving notice?�

�Oh, I don�t know. Maybe I could find something else?�

�No, it has to be today, in fact you can pack up right now and go if you like.�

At this point I am still stunned, I don�t know what to do. All that is going through my head is the fact that I am self employed, which means, no unemployment insurance, no severance. I have been working for this guy for 7 years. Then I realized that I wasn�t upset. Which was strange, I was suddenly out of a job with only the pay check in my hand to my name, but I was not upset.

The truth was, I hated my job. I would go to bed on Sundays with dread about having to go to work in the morning. I really hated the thought of going back. But I suppose if this had not happened I would have suffered through a few more years, I probably would have never left on my own. But now, here it is Monday and I feel great.

I have enough work with my other clients to get me through a couple of months while I find something else. In fact I think I will take this opportunity to try something else. I have been in the same line of work since I left high school (about 18 years) and I am ready to try something different. I have updated my resume and have dropped off some in town, and am looking into going back to school.

It�s not an ending, it�s a beginning and I have to tell ya��.it feels good.

Here goes nothing.

Ok, I have just finished updating my resume and I am off tomorrow to get myself a new and better job.

Wish me luck.

I just got fired....film at 11.

This will survive!

This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen on the web.....its old, but It's one of those things that you keep when your deleting everything else off your hard drive. It's big, it might take a while to download,(for those of you who are on dial up) but it is very worth it. Click on my little friend to watch the video.

WARNING: This will make your ears bleed.

Check out some of the worst auditions for
American Idol. Truly halarious.

FINALLY!

Finally after months, game after game of being slaughtered, only twice actually tying a game, its happened.

WE WON!



And that means.....PILE ON THE GOALIE!



And don't forget to shake hands with the losers. (wow that was blood thirsty of me)



And the final score?

4-1 and The Boy got 2 of those goals. I am so proud I could spit.

Sweet Jesus!

I am freezing my ass off....it is minus 18 celcius with a windchill of minus 31.

It's not fit for humans.

What the fuck?

If even a fraction of this is true, these people should be ashamed. Not only do these people have to deal with the fact that they are homeless, but they also have to deal with corrupt employees of the very agency that is supposed to be there to help them. Read this, THE "REAL" NASHVILLE RESCUE MISSION, and thank the lord you have a warm bed.

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!

Trying to sleep but whenever I lay my head down I can't breathe. Going to take some drugs and sit at puter for a while till they kick in....please kick in soon.

Ok, I spoke too soon.

I woke up Sunday morning sick as a dog. Now it is Monday morning and I am exhausted. I just called in sick and I am going back to bed.

Pray for me.

It's all fun and games, till someone loses an eye.

I somehow escaped being sick. Don't ask me how but I think the Tylenol Flu I took at the first sign yesterday kicked ass!

Anyhow, I was well enough to go to my son's hockey game today and lets just say he gets his temper honest.

There are a sequence of events that I should show you.

First�...this is the penalty. I know its small but I was far away and if you watch number 15 closely, you will see him get a bead on a kid that had given him trouble earlier.

view penalty video

Now he is in the penalty box. What you didn�t see was him flipping out over the refs call. He threw his stick down and did a little �fuck you� dance.



And after it�s all over? The ref has a little chat with him.



Ok, he has some rage issues. That�s why he isn�t playing chess.

Oh its coming! I can feel it.

I�m starting to get sick. You know that feeling you get when your not sick right now but you don�t feel right so you know you are going to get sick. That is how I feel today. Half way through the day I started to sneeze and one nostril began that exasperating constant dripping thing. {gross}

When I feel like this I get irritable. Not to be confused with the PMS irritable, the PMS irritable is more happy go lucky (unless you are not me) I get giddy and literally bask in my bitchyness. I scream at other motorists and laugh loudly at the ridiculousness of it all.

But I digress, today I am just irritable so of course I will take this opportunity to bitch whine express my displeasure with the things that, well, displease me.

ABS BREAKS: What rocket scientist came up with this truly useless invention. He obviously did not live anywhere where breaking was a must (like anywhere there is snow). When I apply my breaks on any surface that is remotely slippery, I get this grinding clunking sound and surprise surprise I do not stop. My breaks do not lock�...but they also do not stop my car. Every time this happens (which is every time I try to stop my car) I can�t help but wonder what was going though those peoples minds. Did they just roll this piece of shit off the assembly line and upon hearing the clunking and the grinding thought �Wow, what a great invention. Nice work Bubba�. If you live in a colder climate you know that ABS breaks are for morons who don�t know how to steer out of a skid.

Short break for fit of sneezing, I am up to 6 in a row, a personal best.

PACKAGING: Hotdogs come in packs of 12, buns come in packs of 8. What�s up with that?

COLD FEET: I have them.

LUCI: The last couple nights it has been bitterly cold. When this happens my cat decides that instead of shitting outside, she will use the bathroom. Not a pleasant discovery first thing in the morning. If she would just leave it out in the open I suppose I could be a mite bit understanding about her predicament but of course she has to burry it under a towel. (Cat Shit Surfing)

NON SMOKERS: I applaud you, you are of course, a higher being than I with more self control and virtuous character. Now FUCK OFF!

OPRAH WINFREY: Ok, everyone that wants to �feel good� has already seen the show. Now FUCK OFF!

{{{HUGGY}}} CHAT PEOPLE: What the fuck is that? Is that supposed to make me feel all warm and fuzzy, when you {{{HUG}}} me three and a half seconds after you meet me? Ya, that�s sincere. You know who you are, you get your nose out of joint when I don�t {{{HUG}}} back.

SPAM: Does any of that shit actually generate revenue? Has anyone ever visited one of those sites? You did? Oh, sorry. Your mother must be so proud.

PEOPLE WHO CALL YOU AT WORK AND ASK YOU WHAT YOUR DOING: Your mother must be so proud.

PEOPLE WITH NO JOB WHO CALL YOU ON SATURDAY MORNING AT 8AM AND ASK YOU WHAT YOUR DOING: There is a village somewhere searching for its idiot.

WRITERS BLOCK: Ummm, Ummm Uhhh.

One good turn...

In retaliation As a thank you for this little nail biter, I decided to send my own suprise back to Ralph.



Ralph looks a little anxious, doesn't he?



It didn't bite.



Your Welcome!

HA! HA!

This made me laugh.



CAPTION: How many times have we just thought....."If I just close my eyes the bitch will go away."

This just in...




My son is doing the dishes.........film at 11.

Absolutely MUST see TV!
subtitled: Let the Backbiting Begin

Last night I watched Joe Millionaire. Fuckin� hilarious!

In case you haven�t heard of the show, here is the premise. Twenty girls are transported to a castle to meet a man who they are told just inherited 50 million clams, and vie for his affections. Sort of like Bachelor but with a couple of twists.

Twist one�..50 million dollars, twist two�.there is no money. Joe Millionaire is a phoney, he is a construction worker who makes $19,000 per year. The girls don�t find this little tidbit out until the end, when he springs it on them. It is going to be a bloodbath. They are already climbing over each other to get to this guy. Now, mind you, he is really cute but they are totally being snowed.

It will be very interesting to see just how the �winner� reacts to finding out instead of the castle she was promised, she will be occupying a double wide.

Big Fuckin� Deal!

It�s 2003�...so what? Frankly I think new year celebrations are a bit of a let down, so I avoid them. Another year, big fuckin� deal. All it means is that now you have to start paying for all the things you couldn�t afford to buy during Christmas on top of all your regular bills. And chances are your children or significant others are not the least bit grateful.

Perhaps my foul mood has everything something to do with my boss. The first day back to work after a week off he starts yelling at me. I think he made it a whole nine and a half minutes (a personal record) before he started in on me. This wouldn�t have bothered me so much if it had been tempered with the customary Christmas bonus that most people expect and in fact most people in our company got, except for me, oh and Richard but he hasn�t been full time for very long. (but he should have gotten anyway)

I have been working at this particular company for almost 7 years, and a guy that only started in May got a bonus but not me. And that guy wasn�t actually given his bonus, he ran across an envelope with his name on it laying on the counter amongst some other papers and he opened it and it was his bonus. The boss doesn�t even know he has it yet. You can just imagine the morale of the employees.

Now, it appears that the boss wants to have a sit down with all the employees to discuss the problems we are having in the company. I wonder if he has any inkling that �he� is in fact the root of all problems in the company.

He badgers and berates everyone, no one can do anything right. He complains that we are not taking initiative, that we need him to make any small decision but when we do make a decision on our own he berates us for making the wrong one. Its like when you take out a garbage bag from the package, no matter what end you try and open first, its always the wrong end, even if you second guess yourself and go for the end you didn�t intend to at first. You can not win with this guy. He talks to you like you are a complete and utter moron, and if by some miracle you can �prove� that the wrong decision was made by him, then the reason he made the wrong decision is because somehow you must have given him the wrong information. No one has any desire anymore to go the extra mile for the company because it gets them nowhere, so why should they bother.

He has everyone so stressed out that we are making more mistakes. I even ended up in hospital last year because of stress migraines which at first the doctors thought I had had a stroke. I was forced to take a week off. Even when he is in a good mood you can�t relax because you never know what will make him turn on you. My first day back it was three letters that made him flip. I misspoke, I said �FHP� instead of �manufacturer�, simple as that. Everyone walks on eggshells around him. It will end badly. I could go on forever but I am depressing myself.

So, how was your holiday?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

With a friend like you, you need nerves of steel.

I have been on the internet for quite a few years. I started out on BBS�s, back in the old days before the internet. (you youngin�s won�t know what that is) Anyway, it has been a while. One of my oldest online friends I met in Powwow (a chat program sort of like ICQ) is Ralph from Texas. I guess we clicked because A) he did not try and pick me up, and B) he has a goofy sense of humour like me.

One year his father was talking about wanting to come to Nova Scotia to see the changing of the leaves and when the time came he was ill and couldn't� make the trip. So, I boxed up some leaves and sent it to him. (here is where the goofy part comes in) Ralph decided to send me a picture of him and his father enjoying the leaves.

The first picture was him and his father holding up the box (pretty tame) the second was a picture of him, he had fashioned a sort of loin cloth out of the leaves. He was standing there in nothing but this leaf loincloth. Too funny! That is just the sort of goofball thing he does.

So, when he told me he was sending me a �headpiece�, I was understandably nervous. When the package arrived I checked the customs sticker and sure enough it said �headpiece�. (no help there) To make matters worse, there is an old guy at the post office that always wants me to open my packages there, so he can see what I got. You see I have a bit of a history with receiving weird parcels, I am an extreme eBay junky. I have bought some pretty far out stuff on eBay and he always gets a kick out of it, like the donkey that shits cigarettes to name but one.

So, I am standing there with this package and he is looking at me expectantly, �Ah, Joe? I would love to open this now, but the guy who sent it has a sense of humour that you might not fully appreciate.� (in truth I was a little scared myself) I am riding home with the box in the front seat hoping beyond hope that my son isn�t home so I can open it, the suspense was killing me. I finally get it home, and this is what is inside.



I laughed so hard I almost pissed my pants, mostly from the relief. You got me with that one Ralph. I will have to come up with something that says �Nova Scotia�, to send back. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face, you always do.

The mind is the first thing to go.

I ran across one of my ramblings and I am not sure if I have blogged it yet. And since I am super lazy I will not search through the archives to find out. If I am repeating myself, then I apologize to the two people who actually read this thing.

When I was small we used to spend weekends at the cottage. Locharbre Lake. I was very small so I don�t remember a lot, but I do remember getting there. We would be driving along and all of a sudden, it seemed, we would come over the top of a hill and �voila� there it was. I remember that as soon as we saw it we would all cheer, �Locharbre!�, a half dozen kids in a station wagon, loaded to the roof with fishing rods, inner tubes, and camping gear. It was a beautiful lake and one of the few left that is truly clean. My aunt still has a cottage there and I always marvel at how clear the water is. From the end of the dock you can see clear to the bottom.

We thought it was just the best place there was. We would swim and fish, my father had a boat. We would have bonfires at night where we would roast marshmallow till we were sick and barbeque during the day and there were always visitors. I am sure my father was probably drunk as a skunk but, thankfully, I never noticed. I guess I was too young, and after so many years I guess you only remember the good times. At any rate, we had a ball. Even if our late night �nature� calls were to a two seater outhouse in the back yard. I never remember being scared though.

Years later (30) I lived in a rural community for a year and I was scared shitless to walk to my car in the dark. I was sure something (a bear) would leap out at me, tearing me to shreds before I reached the door. I couldn�t really enjoy the country. I found it was too dark and too quiet at night. I guess when you are small, you don�t know what can happen so you aren�t scared of what might happen.

Merry Christmas!

Hope everyone has a great one. And I didn't forget.....Day 12.

12 Drummers Drumming

One more day!

Pipers ~ Piping

Day 10

We are getting down to it, hope everyone is done of their shopping and can relax and wait for the big day.

Ten Ice Lords Leaping

Ladle Dancers?

Ok, so there is only eight....it was the best I could do.


CROCHET DOILY 8 LADIES DANCING

Given more time I suppose I could have come up with something better, but I am so busy baking night and day. I hope to be finished for good tonight. Wish me luck.

Day 8

Ok, first apologies on the boring submission for day eight. But when I searched for maids milking I somehow got a lot porn sites. You can just let your imagination run with that one.

Anyway, here's the only tastefull one I could come up with. Happy Day 8.

Eight Maids a Milking

Welcome to day 7

Count em.....
Seven Swans a swimmin'

On the sixth day of Christmas...


Six Geese a layin'

12 days of Christmas.....sort of.

The last couple of years I have been sending goofy emails for the 12 days of Christmas. This year I guess I got bored. I will list the 5 so far.

On the first day of Christmas....
(ok....stop singing, your scaring the bird)
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 5

I guess I will post the rest as the days go by, if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free.

Is it just me?

I was at the grocery store today to pick up baking stuff. I also picked up some Christmas Crackers.




As I was going through the checkout the pre-pubescent checkout girl picked them up and squealed,

�Oh, how cute, what are they?�

�Uh, Christmas crackers?� I thought she was kidding.

�What do they do?�

Ok, she wasn�t kidding. �Two people each grab an end and when you pull it makes a cracking sound. Inside there is usually a toy, a hat and a joke of some kind.�

�How cool. What will they think of next?�

�How old are you anyway?� she didn�t hear me. One of her other equally youngish coworkers came sauntering by.

�Have you ever seen these?�

�Ya, they are Christmas crackers. I never tasted one but I heard they were good.�

I struggle not to lose my eyeballs in the back of my head. �You don�t eat them.� I again explain them to the second clerk.

�Cool, something new?�

At this point I give up on the two of them. I was hoping these kids were Amish or something but I guess this is proof yet again of just how old I am. Doesn�t anyone else know about these things or is it just me. (and the rest of the old fart population)

Christmas crackers were the best part of Christmas day when I was a kid. Everyone would get one as we sat around the table for Christmas dinner and we would help each other crack them open. The room would smell like sulphur when we were finished and we would all be wearing the stupid tissue hats, even my father.

I don�t ever remember a year that I didn�t have Christmas crackers, so how did these kids miss it? Makes you wonder what else kids today are missing out on.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Well the tree is up finally.



I went a little nuts this year, I think my trees get bigger every year. If that is the trend I think I might have to move next year to a bigger house.

Maybe this one?



I decided to add a train this year, it takes up room so under the tree doesn't look so bare. That can be depressing.

Diamonds are forever

Have you heard of this? If you haven't, there is an article in the Philadelphia Inquirer about turning your cremated loved ones remains into diamonds.

Each 1/4 karat stone would run you about four grand. If you wanted a full karat it would be around 22 grand. Aparently you can get 50-100 diamonds from one stiff.

How fucked up is that?

And another thing... do you really want to wear a ring that is made up of grandpa's rotted corps?

I got one word for ya...


EEW?