Friday, January 5, 2007

To Whom It May Concern:


Dear Wendy's:

If you are going to jump all over me the second I pull up to the speaker, then back the fuckin' menu up a couple feet so I can figure out what I want. And tell that retard you have working the other end, that when I say 'give me a sec' I do not mean that literally.

Kisses,

Evel

Dear Steven Segal:

If the girl on the floor has a bullet hole between her eyes. You can skip the whole 'checking of the pulse' part of the program.

Oh and if you are in the middle of suburbia and the cop chick you are with gets shot. You take her to the fucking hospital, Moron. You don't throw her on the fucking table, jam a bottle of tequila down her throat and dig out the bullet with a kitchen knife.

Who raised you?

Evel



Dear Evel's Long Term Memory:

I know you are fickle, but do you think you could kick in for the important stuff? Like to remind her why she never buys apple juice? You have no problem reminding her that she likes apple juice. You couldn't take that tiny extra step and remind her also that it tears the fucking guts out of her and she will be gorging on Tums for a week and the acid reflux will drive her insane?

Yours Respectfully,

Evel

Dear SUV Asshole in front of me in the Tim Horton's Drive-thru:

People use the drive-thru because they don't have time to go in and sit down for a coffee.

If you need to order 16 sandwiches and 14 coffee and have all your muffins heated up with butter, then get the fuck off your fat ass and go in and order. I have to get to fuckin' work.

Amen,

Evel



Dear Large Grocery Chain:

If you are going to have an 'express' lane, please do not put a cashier in charge that has less than 10 minutes of experience.

'Express' should not mean 'as fast as this particular shithead can go'.

And put someone in there with some balls. She can see that this person ahead of me has more than 10 items, but she says nothing. So, not only is she ringing his shit through at a snails pace, she is allowing him to break the rules of the express lane.

Just once, I want to see the cashier push a button that trips an alarm, complete with sirens and flashing lights. Goes on the loud speaker and says,

"Attention Shoppers!

Due to the inexplicable selfishness of this illiterate, mathematically challenged prick..."
she looks at him, "No offense but we do have this huge lighted sign that says 10 items or less and I don't see a white cane or a fucking guide dog." Back to her announcement,

"As I was saying, Thanks to the misplaced superiority complex of this dick wad, there will be a delay in the normal speedy service you receive in this lane. You can thank Mr. 25 Items here for his overblown sense of self-importance, he clearly believes his time is more precious than anyone else's. You can furthermore thank this useless piece of shit for wasting the next 10 minutes of your life with his asshole-ness.

Thank you for shopping at Large Grocery Chain."


A girl can dream.

Evel

2 comments:

Vancouver mermaid/Montreal photographer said...

You kill me. LOL. You seriously kill me. I am on the floor laughing. I am linking you right now!

Radmila said...

AMEN, on the Timmy's drive thru.