Saturday, January 27, 2007

Do not take the Dave's name in vain.

I promised to explain about the Lord. The Lord Dave was pretty much a pain in the ass during training. He is the Uber-Geek and we all got that he was bored. He knew all that shit anyway, he had worked for the company before, but he had to go through the training like the rest of us. After a week he was stomping all over everyone's last nerve.

He even went so far as to ask to be excused from things that the rest of us were required to do. Take for instance, one of my fiends was asked to come in and answer questions about what it was like to be 'on the floor'. Since he had already worked that department before he asked if he 'had to be there'. I know he didn't mean it the way it came out, but he made it sound like it was beneath him. My friend, not knowing how to take him, was clearly offended.

So, of course I proceeded to call him God. You know, since no one is higher up than God, he must be it. Anytime anyone would say "Jesus" or "Oh my God" I would pipe up.

"Dave, you gonna let them take your name in vain, dude? If I were you I would smite them." And with a look that was dead serious, "Just out of curiosity, what exactly does smiting entail?" And I would sit there, fully expecting an answer.

Instead of saying 'Jesus Christ' I would say 'Hey Zues (and Dave's last name)'. Your getting the picture?

He really isn't as bad as it sounds, he is sort of like a male-me. I mock people a lot, and you can do that when it's funny. It also helps when your a girl. But when a guy does it, it just sounds mean.

And I had plenty of material in training, what with the kid that would pull his t-shirt up over his head and pretend he was a ninja, the guy that dressed (and talked) like a pirate every Friday and the kid that blew his first paycheck on the tackiest bling you have ever seen.

Black guys can pull off bling. This was a fat white guy who looked 12 years old. He came to work with a bicycle chain around his neck with a rhinestone superman emblem as big as your fist hanging from it. That alone gave me material for weeks.

Anyway, I digress. After we hit the floor The Lord did come up to me and say, "I am sorry I offended your friend." He was sincere. It is kinda hard to be mad at him anyway. You have to consider that he looks like a roughed up Charlie Brown with a goatee.

"Oh, she wasn't offended. She just figured you were an idiot."

Anyway, it probably would have died in training, if not for The Lord.

One night I was having a particularly bad night. It seemed I was getting every crayon, crazy as a bag of hammers customer on the planet. One after another. Finally I stood up, threw down my headset and exclaimed, "GOD HATES ME!"

From the other side of the divider in front of me, Dave pops up and with the dopiest look on his face says, "No I don't."

Too funny, it made my night.

Then I ended up in his little group doing the dispatch thing, and we have had a ball, its like having a straight man. The comedy is constant.

Once Ricky was added to the team we had someone to constantly pick on. You see, Ricky has only one facial expression, so it is fun to see if you can change it, even slightly. The Lord torments him constantly. Any time Ricky turns to ask him a question, he makes doe-eyed, kissy faces. Cracks me up!

Tonight, Ricky was trying to get help with one of his customers. He was trying to explain what the problem was, when the Lord interrupts him. He gives him this intense look and says, in a soft sweet voice, "I bet you sing like an angel."

Ricky looks at me, exasperated, "Where did that come from?"

I was in stitches, "I don't know, that was like right out of left field."

Blessed be to Dave.

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