BullShit!

I have a very big pet peeve at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. Its the bathrooms. With all the 12 year olds they are hiring lately the place looks like Saturday night at the Liquor Dome.

You go in there and inevitably there is one stall where there is piss all over the seat. This is from the 'hoverer', you know the one. The freak who is so afraid to park her ass that she squats and hovers over the seat. How ironic that the only person spreading germs is the person who is afraid of getting them. They even put those paper seat cover dispensers in there, not for the assholes who are afraid of germs, but for the rest of us. If the moron uses the seat cover then she won't piss all over the seat like a 5 year old.

I however am not a moron. I know that this is an irrational fear. And now I have proof. Just finished watching Penn & Teller - Bullshit!, I love that show. It was all about safety and they had a segment about toilette seats. How dirty are they?

Dr. Edward Hodgkis "Urine has no bacteria, no viruses, it is a sterile solution. You get smelly and wet when you touch urine, but you don't get sick."

Bacteria like warm wet places. Toilette seats don't stay wet or warm for very long so they are actually a very inhospitable environment for bacteria. Scientifically it has been proven that your face and hands are dirtier than your ass.

So stop breaking your back trying to position yourself two feet off the toilette seat and pay more attention to the door handle on your way out.

Yes Meme Mamme!

As ordered by Radmilla (and frankly I am scared to refuse.)

A meme

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want and I will answer it. Then, I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

I'M UP! I'M UP!

I work 5pm -1am. I am rarely asleep before 5am, I just can't do it.

This morning at 8am the landlord thought it would be a good idea to start fixing the roof! I got up three times thinking someone was banging on the door. It happens. The way my apartment is laid out, I can never hear the door from my room.

So three times I bolt out of bed and run to the door, tripping over the cat, almost getting knocked unconscious by the coffee table, only to look out the window and see feet on scaffolding. Lord Love a Duck! To his credit, this is the first nice day in a week. Monday it snowed. You heard me, snowed. And it has been raining since.

By eleven I gave up and got out of bed. The good news is, its my day off. Bad news? I still have book work to do, a years worth. I will be at it all day and night.

Somewhere in my schedule today I have to fit in: Moving a couch and chair (twice), having a cell phone set up, dropping off money to one place and cigarettes to another. Cleaning the house in preparation of new couch and chair. Dishes, YUCK! All with the steady bang of roofers.

I just came back in from talking to them. More good news, they are going to take care of my little pigeon problem while they are up there. God love them. Probably not out of the goodness of their hearts. I happened to look over at his truck and it is already covered in pigeon shit.

It was funny when it was happening to me, but now its personal. The man is on a mission.

Thrift store behavioral psychology

Went to Louey's with my sister and the boy today. Louey's is a thrift store consisting of huge 5x6 ft bins piled high with clothes. I dread going there, I just look hopelessly at the huge piles and sigh. It is just too overwhelming.

I shop one way.
Walk into the store.
Spy a color I like and move in on item.
If I like it I choose the size and walk out.
There is no trying on or debate in my shopping, I am in and out in 5 minutes.

My sister is a professional thrift store customer. Usually I pick through things and eventually she will lift something up and say, "What about this?" and of course I like it. That is the beauty of going with a professional, you don't really have to look, she finds it all. All you have to do is mill about and look busy. I am hopeless at it, since I have absolutely no upper body strength. After about an hour my back starts to protest and I lean against one of the bins and wait, hoping it will be over soon. The boy is of the same mind, he is starting to get annoying.

After two hours she starts to slow down and says, �I guess that�s it.� The boy brightens, he thinks that means we are leaving. Foolish child, that just means we will be working our way back towards the front of the store. This process will take another half hour. He is trying to speed things up by holding things up and saying, �What about this?�

I lean down and whisper in the boys ear, �Boy, that�s not how it is done. Watch this. If you want her to leave you do this.� I straighten and take two steps backwards, facing her with my arms akimbo. Without looking at me she turns to the register and lays her purchases down. She does not even realize what has happened.

Once you are in tune with the behavioral psychology of the professional thrift store customer, they are like Pavlov�s dog, you just ring the bell.

Ten things I know about the Yanks.

1. Every four years they decide who they hate the most and make him president.

2. American�s think everyone wants to live there, when in fact people immigrate there when they can�t get into a Canada.

3. Their money is very ugly.

4. Many of them will live their entire lives in locations that get wiped out by some natural disaster every single year. Some people can not take a hint.

5. By the 1980�s, everyone else in the free world was using the metric system, the US is pretty much the only hold out. Well except for Lyberia and Myanmar, but who the hell knows where that is? I guess they are just waiting to see if it really does catch on.

6. They keep all their old people in Florida, their cowboys in Texas and the fake people they put in California.

7. They only drink Starbuck�s coffee and they eat a lot of meat products that come on sticks.

8. They will shoot you if you ask for directions.

9. Ok, so it�s 8 things, but I bet I can name more states than any one of them can name provinces.

10. So there!

Stand up and be counted!

Great idea stolen from Natalie. I know there are people out there who read this but never comment. I won't embarrass anyone by singling them out (Bev) but just this once, click on the comments and say �Hey!�

I don�t expect you to comment, I don�t want your email address, you don�t have to list your URL, just a friendly �Howdy Neighbour� is all I�m looking for.

Come on, I know you are there, I can hear you breathing. Stop lurking and wave for fuck sake!

Don�t make me stop this car!

Aunt Flo is dead, dead, dead!

For those of you following along. I got the Depo-provera shot on March 12, the doctor told me it could take up to a year but I would eventually have no monthly visit from Aunt Flo. Well, I am officially long past her regular visit.

FLO IS A NO SHOW! Not a sign or a word form her, zippo, ziltch, nadda!

And no, I will not miss that obnoxious, lowlife, miscreant, shithead, skite, wretch, pig-sucking quiff. I am glad she is dead, and I hope she rots in hell.

Ahhhh! I feel much better.

So? How was your day?

Welcome to Canyon Country.

Walked into the post office today and it was decorated up with white and red ribbons, in fact just about every building on the street is done up this way.

Am I missing something? Aparently so. I asked the girl from the smoke shop across the street, she jokes and says its July first (Canada Day), I had to think about that for a second. But no she says, its George Canyon Day.

WTF? Aparently I am in Canyon Country.

Anyone who watches Nashville Star on the USA network will know that George Canyon has made the top 4. Why is this such a big deal here? Well he is a hometown boy, everyone knows someone who knows George, or Fred I should say.( his real name).

He has been here all day, going from town to town all over Pictou County doing personal appearances and filming for the tv show. They are aparently doing segments for all 4 finalists going home for the day. Every store front, every sign on every corner says stuff like, WELCOME HOME GEORGE! and GO GEORGE GO! someone told me the sign on the highway that says Welcome to Pictou County also says YOU ARE NOW ENTERING CANYON COUNTRY!

It is a huge deal here. If the signs are still up tomorrow I will take some pictures. It has to be seen to believed. Or you could just tune in on Saturday and see it. (and vote for George of course)

I might do that myself, see the town on TV, that might be fun. I hope they had the good sense to keep the crazies at home so we aren't embarassed.

We shall see.

PS: I have added a couple of tunes for your listening enjoyment. It's over there on the left.

UPDATE

Pictures as promised:

China calling.

This call came in Sunday night, at about 10:30 Atlantic Standard Time.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, my name is blah blah blah...."

"Yes, I was supposed to get a callback on my case, and I never got it."

I get the case number and bring it up. "It says you are scheduled for a callback on Monday, April 19 at 8:30am."

"Ya, It's after 6 and I never got it." He is flipping.

"Yes but this is Sunday, you are scheduled for Monday."

"It is Monday where I am." Maybe I am missing something. Just because you say it, doesn't make it so. This guy is getting very upset with me.

"No, this is the 18th."

"Ya, and I never got my callback."

"Sir you are scheduled for Monday the 19th, this is Sunday the 18th." Maybe I am missing something. "Where are you calling from?"

"Arizona. AND I AM TELLING YOU IT IS PAST 6, MONDAY NIGHT!"

"Well Sir I am on Atlantic Standard time, and it is Sunday, April 18th 10:30 PM. In order for it to be Monday where you are, you would have to be calling from China."

Wait for it...........................< CLICK >

I know Arizona is on its "own" time, but you can't just pick a day.

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho...

I am heading off to work in a couple minutes, and the boy is going with his father. I love working on the weekends, it is so dead. We just sit around and socialize.

Tomorrow Kimmy is coming over to clean my house. You heard me. She is going to clean my house.

There is no law that says you have to clean your own house. And anyone who thinks it is disgraceful that I would have someone else do it for me, are just jealous.

I love you Kimmy!

Twenty Three Things.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. What does it say? ble." The events of the year 1812 in Russia were a perfect
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? my tea
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? That 70's Show.
4. WITHOUT LOOKING, can you guess what the time is? 12:15pm
5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 12:46pm
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Cars driving down the street, the cat's bell, the ticking of the keyboard.
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? I went outside to check the weather this morning. Was warm and very windy.
8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at? Checked suprnova to see if I needed to start another download, I am addicted to it.
9. What are you wearing? PJ's and a robe, no socks, my feet are freezing.
10. Did you dream last night? Yes, but as soon as I read the question, I forgot the dream.
11. When did you last laugh? Last night, most of the shit at work cracks me up.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? A sign that says "you are here, now get out", a one dollar bill (the paper kind), cork board with a bunch of crap on it, pictures mostly of my son, a mothers day project made by my son in '97.
13. Seen anything weird lately? A girl with green dreglocks, ok thats just gross, but I got nothing else.
14. What do you think of this quiz? Different.
15. What is the last film you saw? Gothika, loved it.
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?Laptop, no idea why but top of the line.
17. Can you tell something about you that no one knows? Naw...I am pretty much an open book.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I would eliminate God from the equation
19. Do you like to dance? I have absolutely no rythem.
20. George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years? Finally doing something.
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Michaela.
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Did call him, Mason.
23. Would you ever consider living abroad? Nope. That would require getting on one of those flying death traps.

Please God....make it stop!

I just forced myself to watch The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour and I gotta say, it was painful. I never actually watched Jessica Simpson sing before so I wasn't sure she was being serious. She reminds me of the Sweeny Sisters from SNL.

I am not sure what they were thinking, but Sonny and Cher, they ain't. The best thing about it was Mr. T.

I pity the fool who had to take the blame for this crap. It has to be seen to be believed.

Peeeheeew....Christmas!

I was told today I smell like Christmas.

Ray: Evel, you always smell like Christmas.
ME: What the hell does that mean? ( I am such a princess, so gracious)
Ray: I don't know, you just always smell like Christmas.
ME: Is that good?
Ray: Ya.
ME: Unless of course your Dad's a drunk and your Christmas smells like barf and eggnog.

Didn't really clarify what smelling like Christmas meant. All I do know is that he was definately NOT coming on to me.

So, what does that mean?

Anyone have a theory?

Dream Job and Nightmare Accomodations

Two beautiful days at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center?, last night I took two calls. Count em....two. I love my job. We sat around all night and played cards.

Since I went pro, Monday nights are really the only night that I actually have to do anything. Tuesdays are broken up with a team meeting, by Wednesday its pretty much leveling off. Then I am off on Thurs and Friday and Saturday and Sunday, as you could imagine, are pretty dead.

Did I mention, I love my job?

Yesterday I also went to see my mother. It was a good thing that my sister was with me, because my brother moved her without telling me. We had agreed that my mother may need to go to a home, if she didn't snap out of her wig-out, but we also agreed that she would have her choice of home. She has a couple places in mind where a lot of her friends live, it was just a waiting game to see when one became available.

Well, I guess on Wednesday, my brother took my mother to "look" at a place and left her there. WTF? It was like a bad movie. He just left her there. When I walked into this place I was stunned. My mother went from a seniors apartment, living room, kitchen, bedroom and bath, to a dorm room with a bathroom. I can't imagine she took one look at the place and said, "I love it, can I stay?" It is depressing. She only knows one person in the whole place. And the kicker? She has been put back on full lithium and appears to be snapping out of the whole wiggy thing.

So, why the big rush? No clue, I can't imagine her being happy there.

So, before I left I told her. If you find that you absolutely hate it here, I will yank you out. I can always get a bigger place and move her in with me. I will not let my mother waste away in a place she is not happy.

She might be a pain in the ass sometimes, but she is my mother.

It's Heart Attack and Take a Stroke month.

Just waiting for a movie to burn to cd, so I thought I would tidy up, sit back down to the computer and ...

HOLY FUCKING FLYING JESUS!

A SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You would think I was bringing down a rhino, I hit it that hard. There is absolutely no identifying that body.

One sec till I take care of this little heart attack thing.

"Charge to 300..................CLEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Spring is finally here. Jesus, I hate the warm weather. Warm weather means icky crawling things and freak-me-the-fuck-out flying things. I don't know which is worse. Either one turns me into fucking spaz.

Seeing me from a distance you would think I was having some sort of seizure. Hearing me without visual, you would be hard pressed not to call the police, because you would swear I was being brutally murdered.

Now I am fucked for the entire night. Every time my hair tickles the back of my neck I will take a stroke. Every time my pant leg moves I will imagine tarantulas crawling up my leg and jump out of my skin. I see anything I even think might be moving, I will smash it to smithereens and ask questions later. Hair scrunchies beware!

Did I mention I am not all that fond of spiders?

"Warped logic" or "How to torture the boy" working titles

Not exactly sure how I came up with this brilliant idea but the boy wants a new skateboard for Easter. Of course, he wants the $100 skateboard.

"That's all I want, Mom, no candy just the skateboard."

"Holy shit! No, it's Easter, not Christmas."

Then I go out and spend $100 on candy, stupid little dollar store toys, a basket and that crap you put in it. You know that fake grass that you are vacuuming up for months afterwards or the cats will choke to death on, since they don't have the sense to not eat it.

What the hell is up with that? I bought so much stuff it won't all fit in the basket. Why didn't I just buy the fuckin' skateboard? No earthly idea. I didn't even get eggs for Christ's sake.

Although it may be my subconsious way of sticking it to the boy for not cleaning the yard like I asked him. Or taking out the garbage, hell, he never does anything I ask him to do. So why the hell should I shell out my hard earned money for a skateboard.

I think that might be it, the subconcious thing I mean. As I am trying to transfer all this crap from the bag to the basket, I notice something odd at the bottom of the bag. A purchase I don't remember making.

Work gloves, size small.

Americans, ya gotta love em.

I found this site today, this guy has found us out. We will have to do something about that.

You would be suprised at the things that have been said to me when people find out I live in Nova Scotia, Canada.

"Oh, a guy I worked with was from Canada, Bob MacDonald. Do you know him?" Oh ya, Office Bob, he's dead.

"Wow, it must be really cold there?" Oh no, wait till July, that's our coldest month. Most yanks think the temperature drops 30 degrees the second you cross the border.

"You guys all live in igloo's don't ya?" Of course we do, have you ever tried to drive a nail into a frozen tree?

"Ya right. No one lives in Nova Scotia." Your right, I just made that up. Same guy says to me, "So, do you have, like, shopping malls and stuff?" Of course not, we hunt for food and use the skins for clothes.

"Wow, yawl shur dernt sawn Kinadi'in." What are you talking aboot, eh?

"Is it still dark up there this time of year?" Are you on crack? No, we just started our 6 month of daylight. JEEZ!

MY EYES! MY EYES!

There is a casual dress code at Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. It is very much laid back but you are supposed to use your common sense. One of the D&D guys from my row was wearing a short sleeved shirt the other day and a TM told him it was too tight. He tells me this last night. I saw the shirt, I don�t get it.

�Are you kidding me? He must have been yankin� your chain.� But no, he was not. He told him it was not professional attire. This really got to me. Let me tell you why.

There are some women at Undisclosed Customer Service Center� that clearly do not adhere to the policy. The common sense policy that says: do not show your thighs, cleavage or belly. I think they even added in bare shoulders in there somewhere. Pretty simple, right? Wrong.

You might not think this is such a big deal, and it might not be, except for the fat chicks. (Don�t get all up in arms ala-Em over this, I am a fat chick) I don�t feel like looking at some rail thin teeny bopper in a mini skirt with a belly ring and her boobs hanging out, so can you imagine having to look at that same outfit on a fat chick.

Point in fact. Girl the other day, completely round from all directions, I can�t guess weight, but she was about 3 feet all the way around and she was in hip huggers with a belly shirt. Please people, have a little consideration. I am all for healthy body image, but that is just wrong. Especially for the work place. Or worse, having to see a half dozen girls bent over with their thongs hanging out the back of their jeans and their tits spilling out. What the hell is this, Club Med? A little professionalism please.

The men are just as bad. Muscle bound guys in t-shirts so tight you think it is cutting off the circulation. Wearing jeans they had to pole vault to get into. Ok, picture this on a 350 lb man, with boobs. And since the t-shirt is so tight it rides up, revealing his big fat hairy stomach. Or rail thin guys, (who play for the home team) with belly shirts and their thongs hanging out the back of their jeans.

The problem is, the men. They want to see the rail thin bimbo in the belly shirt, so they can�t say anything about the fat chick in the belly shirt. That would be discrimination. Holy shit!

If it is a policy, then enforce it. Don�t take your frustration out on some nerd with a tightish sweater.

There are a lot of turnip trucks in the US. And they do not strap those morons on.

Without saying what company I actually work for, I will tell you who we DON"T work for, but people insist on contacting us. Moreover they become irate when we can't help them.

C.O.r.el
A.d.ob.e
N.et.s.ca.pe
R.ed.H.at
Li.nu.x
A.pp.l.e
L.in.xu.s
P.al.m
I.SP's
Any company represented with a website. Any company.
Cell phones
VCR's
Satalite dishes
Microwaves
Absolutely anything internet related. The list goes on and on.

Also, they believe we are everything computerized.

If people don't know the number for a company, they call us. What am I? Directory assistance?
They can't think of a website, they discribe it, do I know which one they are talking about? NO ASSHOLE, I DO NOT!

"You do realize that you did not call Mo.to.rol.la?"

"Can't you help me?" NO YOU MORON!

The day off from hell!

Got a call this morning from the boy's principal. He is suspended from school. What fun.

The Boy has not been bringing his materials to school and when required to remain for an after school detention he skipped the detention and left the building without permission.

And to top it all off, he lied right in the face of the principal. Told him I was not at home, that I went in early for work to do overtime. Needless to say he called my work and then my home. I don't know what has gotten into the boy, but he is stomping all over my last nerve. So, he is suspended for a day. They sent work home for him to do while he is off.

Right after the principal hung up, I get another call from the dentist. "Time for The Boy's yearly exam."

"Ya got anything more painful than a cleaning? You can sign him up for that too."

"That kind of a day, huh?"

"You don't know the half of it."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks, your a peach."

The boy's father came over and he is just useless. I tore a strip off him. He is such an asshole, I can't even tell you. He said nothing to the boy. I don't think he ever grew up himself. Two seconds into the conversation, he made it about me, then about him.

I finally had to tell him to get the fuck out, "You are useless. Get out of my house." Then I had to appologize to the boy, mostly for making that son of a bitch his father. I am in a mood, I should stop now.