The Emancipation Emasculation Proclamation.

Ever since my psycho adorable cat, Milo, got fixed, (Like he had a choice in the matter.) he has decided that hygiene can take a back seat. He used to be sleek and shiny, now he looks like, well, something the cat dragged in.

Right after the surgery he went to lick his balls and lost his mind. WTF? He walked around growling and meowing loudly at me as if to say, "What the fuck have I ever done to you?"

"You would have started to spray the house."

"What happened to innocent until proven guilty?"

"Dude, it's in your nature. All male cats do it."

"I refuse to be painted with your stereotypical brush. I can't believe I didn't even get a hearing. Jesus! Michael Jackson got a hearing!"

"And look how well that turned out."

After realizing the hopelessness of the situation he just said, "Fuck it, I have no one to impress anymore. And if I can't lick my balls, I ain't lickin' shit!"

"No one to impress? What about me?"

"Bitch, you cut my balls off! Your on your own!"

It may have lost something in the translation.

Huh?

Hoobastank's "The Reason" and Simple Plan's "How Could This Happen To Me?"

Same song?

Hit me baby!

In keeping with the 'old chick' theme of late. I was watching Hit Me Baby, One More Time.

No, not the Brittany Spears song, the TV show. One hit wonders singing their one hits as well as a recent hit from a recent artist. They compete for online votes. Not exactly sure yet what they win, besides the obvious exposure. Caught it in the middle, so I missed a few of the performances. That may have been a blessing.

You should check it out. You will say, at least once... "Hey, I thought he/she was dead. Cool."

-Glass tiger - Don't Forget Me. Sadly, I knew all the words. Recent song -(Everything you want - Vertical Horizons) It's always hard to hear someone else sing a song you know. But they did well with it.

-Billy Vera - At This Moment. The man still has it. Smooth. Recent song - (True - didn't catch the artist and didn't recognize the song.) He crashed and burned, especially in Spanish. I thought Vera was a Spanish name but I guess not.

-Club Nouveau - Lean On Me.. Remember the song, not the artists. Missed the cover song, but caught the recent hit. Not sure what it was, sounded like a car commercial jingle done badly.

-Thelma Houston - Don't Leave Me This Way. Have to say this woman has aged gracefully, as most African American women do. She was great. The recent hit she did (Falling -Alicia Keys) sounded like it was written for her.

-Greg Kihn - The breakup song.Sorry I missed that one, but caught the recent hit they sang (Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day). It was kind of sad.

And the winner is.....? Thelma Houston!

And I guess she wins a $20,000 donation to her favorite charity.

Overall a pretty good show for those of us from the 'vintage' era.

Reprieve!

For those of you losing sleep over the impending apocalypse, rest easy.

The boys father is now 4 days late with the child support and is avoiding my calls.

Buy all the green bananas you like.

Age hits ya like a slap in the face!

Its all over for me. I might as well pack it in. I am definitely ready for the bone yard.

Got off early tonight and thought I would sit back with a coffee and a cigarette and watch the Much Music Video awards. Hey, I'm as hip as the next guy!

Up walks Ashley (Fetus) Simpson. Cute as a button and in true red carpet tradition she was asked 'who' she was wearing.

She called it vintage. From 1983.

Ya, thanks for playing.

Times they are a changing.

There may be another opportunity for change at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. Seems they are thinking of having a shitf of technical routers in the center. Not tech support but more than customer service, somewhere in the middle. And I want it so bad I can taste it.

The shift would be Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays 11pm to 12 noon AST. That's it, three days on, four days off. This shift has two things goig for it, the fact that there is 4 days off and that it would be back shift.

Meaning, it would be dead. At 11pm AST it is 7pm PST, 8pm MST, 9pm CST and 10pm EST. That means even in California people are saying, "Fuck this I ain't doing this much overtime." and going the fuck home. Only the real loser techs would be calling me. Those who couldn't talk their way out of it. So, it would be like the old days in pro, where we took 5 calls all night, and sat around playing cards. I want it.

Did I mention I wanted it?

And another thing...

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

"Hi this is Aboo-daboo from activation. This man has oem software and a volume license key."

"Ok, did you tell him that would not work?"

"No, can I bring in the customer?" What? You don't want to tell him so I have to? WTF?

"Whatever, just bring him in." I don't feel like arguing with you since I can bearly tell what the fuck you are saying.

ME:"Hey Brian, how you doing?"
CUSTOMER:"Fine and yourself?"
ME: "Not bad, Aboo-daboo said you were having problems with activation?"
CUSTOMER: "I think so, but I couldn't understand her, not sure what she was telling me."
ME: "OK, let me clear it up. You have OEM media and you are trying to install it using a volume license key."
CUSTOMER: "Yes"
ME: "These are your options. Get an OEM key from your vendor, or volume media to use with your volume keys."
CUSTOMER: "Why is that?"
ME: "Well, right now it is like you are trying to start your car......with your cat."
CUSTOMER: he is laughing hysterically."That made more sense than what she said."
ME: ME: "It's a gift. Thanks for calling, have a nice day."

I love my job.

Go peddle your crazy somewhere else.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

CUSTOMER: It doesn't say po.cket pc on it, but it is a poc.ket pc.
ME: Just because it fits in your pocket does not make it a poc.ket pc.

XP TECH: My name is Kumar from xp support...
ME: (deadpan)Congratulations.
XP TECH: (I have stumped him, he pauses) Yes. This person got through without a case number.
ME: Not suprised, half the center is without tools.(we have procedures for that, you send them through and tell them the tech will create the case, its not brain surgery)
XP TECH: Can you create a case for me?
ME: Nope, not your secretary. --CLICK--

Woman locked out of her computer, forgot her password.

ME: We don't break, bypass or work around passwords, we can only help you format and reinstall.
CUSTOMER: But I will lose all my data.
ME: Yes, that is the purpose of the password, to protect the data.
CUSTOMER: But it is my data.
ME: We have no way to verify over the phone that it is you, sitting in front of your computer.
CUSTOMER: I can get my son on the phone.
ME: Sorry.
CUSTOMER: This sucks, you suck. (nice)
ME: Look at it this way, if someone were to steal your computer and we helped them break the password. They get all your info, steal your identity, apply for credit cards, ruin your credit. Who are you going to sue? Him or us?
CUSTOMER: I would never sue anyone!
Your American aren't you? Does it look like I just fell off a turnip truck?

After giving customer the option for paid support.

CUSTOMER: Ok, but can the tech fix this.
ME: If he can't he will refund the money.
CUSTOMER: But you can't tell me if he can fix it.
ME: I am not a tech, but if he can't he will refund the money.
CUSTOMER: I can't believe they don't have techs answering the phones.
ME: We all have our jobs.
CUSTOMER: And you know nothing about the software?
ME: If I did, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
CUSTOMER: Jesus, even the cashier at the grocery store knows about the milk.
ME: Ya, but she has no idea about the cow.

After informing customer they were running pirated software and there was no support for him. I was in a mood.

CUSTOMER: I am not getting a warm, fuzzy feeling about the Undisclosed Computer Software Company�
ME: I am pretty sure they are not too crazy about you either.
CUSTOMER: I think I will just junk this pc and buy a m.ac.
ME: Fill your boots. --CLICK--

That is like saying, I am not buying cars anymore, I am going to buy ice cream instead. You still have to drive to the ice cream parlor. We are a software comany, we don't give a shit what hardware you buy, you will still need the software. And by the way, our software company actually has a stake in that hardware company, so you would be doing us a favor. We might actually get a couple bucks out of you for a change. Crayon.

And another thing...

Just have to tell you about Jennifer.

It's a quiet Saturday night at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, the CSR next to me is trying to explain to the customer that we are closed and all the XP techs have gone home. Yes, she says, we are still here, we are professional agents and we deal with servers, that sort of thing, but XP is closed.

You can hear this woman screaming. I tell the CSR, "Just hang up." So she does.

Now we have really done it. This is the sort of person who will call back, over and over. They think that if they rant and rave that somehow we can turn back the hands of time and the techs would actually be there.

From a couple of rows down I hear, "Kay's got a screamer." On the weekends it gets boring and these types of people break up the menotony. I think, cool, hope I get her next. And I do.

CUSTOMER:"I WANT TO SPEAK TO KAY!"
ME: "Excuse me?" Faking innocence.
CUSTOMER: "I WANT TO SPEAK TO KAY!"
ME: I am sorry, I don't know who Kay is. May I help you.
CUSTOMER: FINE YOU CAN GET ME KAY'S SUPERVISOR, SHE JUST HUNG UP ON ME!
ME: I can certainly get you a supervisor, but since I have no idea who Kay is I don't know who her supervisor might be.
CUSTOMER: GET ME ANY SUPERVISOR, I HAVE BEEN DENIED SERVICE!
ME: Sure, I will need your name and phone number.
CUSTOMER: I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY NAME, I HAVE A CASE AND I HAVE BEEN DENIED SERVICE! (I can't understand why, you are such a sweet and reasonable person)
ME: May I have your case number?(She uses her best snotty voice and I bring up the info.)
ME: Is this Jennifer?
CUSTOMER: YOU WILL NOT ADDRESS ME AS JENNIFER!
ME: I need to verify that this is the right case, is this Jennifer?
(This is where she loses her mind. She starts screaming so loud that she is going horse.)
CUSTOMER: YOU WILL NOT ADDRESS ME AS JENNIFER, YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS MRS. LOWENBOWSKI.
(evil grin)
ME: You are going to have to calm down and keep this professional ... (pause for effect) Jennifer.
(I can imagine that her head is spinning around and she is barfing pea soup.)
CUSTOMER: I TOLD YOUUUUUUUUU!(she is screaming and holding the note)NOT TO ADDRESS MEEEEEE AS JENNIFER, YOU WILL ADDRESS MEEEEEE AS MRS. LOWENBOWSKIIIIIIIIIII. I WANT YOU TO SAY MY NAME, SAY IT, SAY IT, WHAT IS MY NAME? SAY IT, SAY IT, SAAAAAAAAAY ITTTTTT!
ME: (Slowly...) "Jennifer?"
More screaming, but it's getting boring, so I hang up.

Makes you wonder about natural selection, don't it?

Save your breath.

The mood at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� has changed. So has my attitude with customers. I have heard myself saying these things and so far no one has called me on it. Sometimes I don't think they are even listening. I think our days are numbered.

"Thank you for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� my name is blah blah blah..."

Customer: "Thank God you speak English!"
Me: "Don't get used to it."

Customer: "Please don't send me to India."
Me: "Then stop stealing software and the big giant head will stop trying to save a buck."

Customer: "I can't understand a word they say."
Me: "Give it time, you will have lots and lots of practice."

Customer: "Thank God I finally reached an American."
Me: "Sorry Sir, I am Canadian."
Customer: "Same thing." And they wonder why the big giant head does not give a shit if they complain about India, since they can't locate it on the map there is no fear of retribution.

Customer: "Three hours wait time? That's ridiculous."
Me: "Yes, but we do have really great hold music."
Customer: "Really?"
Me: "No, sorry, couldn't do it to you. But it is inspirational."
Customer: "Inspirational?"
Me: "Ya, more than one person has called back in and said, 'I was on hold for an hour and fixed it myself.'"

Customer: "I don't want to pay for support!"
Me: "Ok, thanks for calling the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�, have a nice day" --CLICK--

I think I am just tired of sugar coating it for these crayons. Tired of regurgitating the company line...the "Undisclosed Computer Software Company� is a global company and I am unable to determine where your tech support might be located." Yes I can, its in India.

What I really want to tell them is.

The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� has no intention of taking your opinions into consideration. Yes, I realize that you can't understand a word the tech is saying and he is not listening to you either. He is reading from a script and if you interrupt him he just has to start over. If you had any brains at all you would go to the self help website and read the script yourself. Save yourself some aggravation.

No, they will not give a shit if you complain. They will just say you are racist and get rid of all the 'English as a first language' agents so you are less inclined to complain about it.

Bottom line is, they pay agents in India 13,000 rupee a month (that's about 300 bucks American) to give you free tech support. They don't really need you to be satisfied, since there is not a serious contender out there as an alternative to the software they produce.

Yes, I have heard a lot of you say, "I think I will just throw out this PC and get a M.ac." Give 'er. Oh, and good luck finding software that is not produced by the Undisclosed Computer Software Company. Ya, and Lin.ux? Please! You can't manage to figure out what right click means, you are not switching to Lin.ux. I know that and the big giant head knows that, he is not worrying about the kids college fund.

Last year, our center was rated number one for customer satisfaction. The Undisclosed Computer Software Company� couldn't say enough good things about us. We were the best thing since sliced bread. They even sent us to India to train their agents there.

So, what does the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� do? Why, they change our metrix requirements, make it impossible to give good customer service. They say, "You did such a great job with 6 minute calls, now let's see you do it in 4." Oh, let's not forget they added 15 extra things that must be done within that 4 minute call. All of which, if not done are punishable. "Oh and we are going to screw with your schedules, less hours, maybe change your schedules weekly so you never know when you are working so you will have to be off work if you can't get a babysitter. By the way if you don't show up we will punish you. And we have also come up with a few hundred other menial things that we can punish you for, like eating candy at your desk." When I first joined the company, I was promised the FISH! Philosophy. And now? You will not find one fish on the production floor.

"But keep a smile on your face, go that extra mile for the customer, let them know you care. One more thing, we realize that you have been constantly cleaning up the messes that the agents in India have created, good job. As a reward, we are going to hire more Indian agents and cut your numbers in half. We really can't understand why moralle is so low. After all we let you spin our customer satisfaction wheel for your chance to win a ball point pen. Yes we are a fortune 500 company, what's your point?"

It's almost like they are trying to sabotage the center so they can move all the customer service to India. Which makes good business sense, I guess. Since they have no real concerns about losing customers.

Guess that's how the big giant head got so big.

Houston....we have railings.

Finally got a new deck, no more heart in the throat trying to climb the stairs of death.

Again, I am no Marlin Perkins.

Those of you who remember when my cat 'Oscar' had kittens are already aware of this fact. But yesterday, my gerbils, Jay and Silent Bob, became the proud parents of three.

And another thing...

For those of you playing along at home. Another possible sign of the apocalypse.

The boys father said these words, unprompted. "Do you and your mother need anything?" and then promptly passed over the child support.

Don't buy any green bananas.

My boyfriend's back!

The Boy is back.

That little experiment did not go well. The boy was not happy there, and it showed. Although the father did nothing to make it more enjoyable, he was upset that it didn't miraculously work out.

I called him from work last night. When I asked him how it went, telling the boy he would be moving home, he said, "It was the hardest thing I ever had to do." And God help me, I felt sorry for him.

Despite the fact that, for the last 14 years, that man has been treating me like I punched him in the face yesterday, I found myself saying, "At least you tried, everything will work out." (did I just say that?) I told him that spending more quality time together, just the two of them, might turn out better than trying to live together.

I also steered him away from blaming it on the fact that the girlfriend and the boy did not get along. "You can't expect her to, out of the blue, have to deal with a 14 year old that is not hers." (You know the boy has said, at least once, "Your not my mother.") There is a lot more to it but I really hope they don't let this episode come between them.

Anyway, I hope he can keep up the quality time. Right now, they are on their way to work together, just the two of them. I think this will work out better.

Sympathy vs. Empathy.

We have signs all over the place that say, "Remember Empathy". It does not, however say, look it up in the dictionary. That said, I will explain the difference between Sympathy and Empathy.

Sympathy is an emotional affinity in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other, and its synonym is pity. Translation: I care about what happens to you and it effects me deeply.

Empathy is a feeling of concern and understanding for another's situation or feelings. Translation: I know what your going through....I just don't give a shit.

Deal with it.

Get in my belly!

Just had to post this.

On my way home from work, I picked up a donair. For those unfamiliar with the product, it is spiced beef on a pita with sweet creamy sauce. And this one is as big as my head.



MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Update

This took me 3 sittings to consume. I think I am good for at least a year.

Bat Shit!

Ever hear of someone going bat shit? I have heard of it but until tonight I had never personally witnessed such a thing. I suppose you can't really say I witnessed it, since I was the one doing it.

Me and the boy were watching a movie, when out of the corner of my eye I see a small moving shadow. At first I thought it was a fly, so I swished it. Then I saw it again. This is when I went bat shit. I looked up and saw this circling the living room.



I quickly pulled the blanket over my head, informed the boy of the intruder and promptly left him in the dust as I bravely dove into the bathroom. I then proceeded to heroically instruct the boy from a crack in the door. KILL IT!

I felt just like George Dubya.

After the boy did hand to hand with the beast for a few minutes, I thought of opening the door so the thing could escape. Much preferable to the boys plan of beating it to death with a fly swatter.

Floating. Sounds better than it is.

I am on a new shift now, the evil geniuses at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center? have shaken up the whole shift preferencing thing so much so no one knows if they are getting screwed or not. There are some crazy shifts, different start times, different days off. Crazy for the people with kids.

Speaking of which, the boy is starting to think that maybe living with the father is not such a good idea. He is here 3 or 4 times a week. And its not as though they have really made him feel welcome, they haven't let him decorate the tiny room they gave him, won't let him have cable in the room, hell, they haven't even given him a key to the house. Took him home the other night and the door was locked. This was after I had called to tell them I was bringing him home after the movies. The good news is that my sister has basically moved in with the boyfriend, so his room is available. We will see how long he can hold out.

My new shift is 5pm - 1am 'floating' days off. Sounds like fun, don't it? Not so far. Can't really plan anything too far in advance, and that includes vacations. I never know from week to week what days off I have. It's always a surprise!(one way to look at it)But I guess I can't complain, at least I have a job, for now.

I think I might apply for a TM position on the new project, but there is no way I am going frontline for less pay. They don't pay me enough now to talk to these crayons, I don't want to have to talk to sick crayons.

The evil continues.

They continue to stir up the pot. They closed down a number of cubes in the tech department. And the most evil ploy of all? They brought in Pizza!

It is an ongoing joke at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� free food is a harbinger to bad news, and hot food means certain disaster.

We are all just biting our nails waiting for the chafing dishes to appear in the lunch room.

A well oiled machine?

A lot happening at the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. I will nutshell it for you. Huge push for new hiring in the tech division. Sounds good, right? Then they tell us in Pro that they are changing our job classification to part time. They may, at some point, have to reduce our hours, so this is in preparation of that. This of course has nothing whatsoever to do with hiring a group of pro agents in India. HMMMM? But hey, we can transfer to tech, that would guarantee us full time. They save money, and fill the tech void.

That was last week.

This week, there is a new client for the Undisclosed Customer Service Center�. An 'exciting' new opportunity. Ya right! Start off on the ground floor of this new project. Oh, did I mention the pay is at ground floor too? Ten minutes later, the tech group is cutting hours. They are over-staffed 75 agents. HMMMM? But you can transfer to the new project. Coincidence? They need 200 people for the new project. Plenty of jobs to go around.

Here is where it is evil genius. You need 200 people for a new project, at base pay. Scare the shit out of the agents you have, make them think they may be losing their jobs, or at the very least, their hours. They panic and jump to the new project at reduced wages.

Then, "OH, I guess we really didn't have to reduce the workforce in tech. My bad." Hire off the street at base wage to fill the spots left by the transfers. Fill the new project, save a shitload of money. The end.

Like I said, a well oiled machine.

Over there.

So we are expecting a visit from representatives of the Undisclosed Computer Software Company� on Tuesday. They will be listening to calls and what? Doing something about the customer complaints about service in foreign countries? Not fucking likely.

Most likely it's all for show. Make it look like they give a shit, when all they really care about it that the foreign country call center costs them a fourth of what ours cost them. Never mind that customers complain they can't understand a word they say, that half of my job consists of fixing the shoddy job that they do. The cases created incorrectly, the cold transfers without cases who don't even end up in the right department.

Customer of the Undisclosed Customer Service Center� typically now speak to 4 or 5 different departments before ever reaching the one they need, when one agent and one tech are all they should ever speak to. Something tells me that that will not change anytime soon.

No matter how well we do our job, no matter how high our customer satisfaction surveys are, the bottom line will be what drives the decisions. I can see the future and it consists of all customer service being handled by our favorite foreign country.

Done, done and done!

As promised, pictures of the new paint job on the kitchen. My sister protested the blue, so I told her, "For the 5 minutes you are here everyday, you can avert your eyes."

It took me 2 days, most of that time was on trying to get the f'ing hardware off so I could remove the cupboard doors. They had been painted over so many times that you couldn't even see if there were screws in them or not.

My back is killing me, and I can no longer feel my fingers, but I think it turned out ok.







PS: Ignore the dirty dishes, I am.

New Pope

I really thought for sure this would drag out. After all Pope John Paul II changed the rules of the conclave to make it less taxing on the cardinals.

In 1996, John Paul instituted several rule changes, including one allowing the election of a new pope with a simple majority if the cardinals take more than 10 days to choose a successor.

The cardinals -- who are forbidden to leave until they elect a new pope -- used to sleep in tiny, makeshift cells set up around the Sistine Chapel. If the conclave came during the summer, there was no air conditioning to protect them from the stifling Roman heat.

"They were essentially locked into a heat trap to get them to make a decision,'' said John-Peter Pham, a former Vatican diplomat. "It's almost cruel to do that to men in their 60s and 70s.''

Since 1978, the Vatican has built new lodgings for the princes of the church.

"It's essentially a luxury hotel,'' Pham said. "Each elector has his own suite and his own thermostat. The possibility exists for a long conclave.''

Very interesting that it took less than 2 days.

And the winner is?.......................Joseph Ratzinger, 78, of Germany.
And what name will he take?....................Benedict XVI, hmmm interesting choice, Benedict XV was a moderate.

I have to say, he looks good for 78. They say he actually campaigned for the job. Which is good I suppose. Nice to have someone who actually wants the job, and he was a popular choice among the cardinals, winning on the forth ballot.

It will be interesting to see if he will be as popular and as effective as John Paul II.

Anyone have any opinions?