And another thing...

INTRUDER ALERT!

In the middle of the night I am awakened by the sounds of muffled voices. Groggy, I listen intently.

Perhaps it is the neighbors downstairs? No, it's closer than that.

Is it the boy? No, he is at his fathers.

Did I lock the door?

Holy Shit! It is coming from inside my apartment! I snap awake and reach for the antique ice pick I have by my bed. (Don't ask, but tonight I could justify it)

My heart is beating loudly as I grip the only weapon I have and decide I could totally gut whoever I find in my fuckin' apartment.

I creep out to the living room, my heart in my throat, a mixture of fear and rage. I turn the corner, empty. Should I make some noise? Give the idiot a chance to flee before I am upon him, running him through with an 8 inch ice pick?

I am already running the conversation with the police through my head wondering how long all that shit would take before I could get back to sleep. (Hey, I have to work tomorrow.)

As I am slowly entering the kitchen, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, my heart stops ... there it is again!

I am consumed with a rush of both relief and embarrassment.

It was my stomach growling.

Let this be a lesson, Kids. Never down a can of Pepsi before bed. You could give yourself a heart attack or impale an unsuspecting loved one.